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......how about having a dedicated Funnies section. And by Funnies I don't mean VMX specific funnies but funnies in general.
I come a cross a few from time to time. Sometimes I post in General but I don't want to overload the system or post to an inappropriate scetion.
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/th_uss_montana.jpg) (http://s96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/?action=view¤t=uss_montana.flv)
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Like this?
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
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Maybe a dedicated thread for funnies boys?
A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a Twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her Twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the Twinkie out for a bite.
?Careful.. you will get hair on your Twinkie," the barber playfully warns.
"Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm getting boobs, too."
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----- Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4 am by the telephone.
'Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground.. It is istimated the the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.!!!'
PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!'
Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from... Brutain?...'
PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!'
Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia?'
PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten unches long and eight unches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blacks!!'
Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. With small writing on each one.........
'MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM'
Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy
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Oh Dear ;D
<embed width="448" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" src="http://i96.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/wife_s_school.flv">
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Next time your having a bad day consider this.
Imagine if you if were a siamese twin. Your brother attached to your shoulder is gay, you're not. He has a date coming over tonight. You only have one arse!! :o :o
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Please keep us posted of the outcome . Thats one fine piece of R+D by the sounds . ;D ;D
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HOW TO SPEAK NEW ZEALANDER, FOR BIST EFICT, RID THESE OUT ALOUD!
Should help translating bill and Dj
Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Little crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Chully Bun - Esky
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
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The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student,however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting Oh my God.
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(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/th_DefectiveTreadmill.jpg) (http://s96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/?action=view¤t=DefectiveTreadmill.flv)
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(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/th_dumbwebcamgirl.jpg) (http://s96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/?action=view¤t=dumbwebcamgirl.flv)
Do not try this at home ;D
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10 out of 10 for that one . :D
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HA!! but how did she explain it to Dad when he hauled the wardrobe of her?
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Some of this is corny and predictable. The last will have your eyes tearing for both reasons. ;) :D ;D.
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/th_cielas.jpg) (http://s96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/?action=view¤t=cielas.flv)
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The Tiny Pianist
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT0001611.gif)
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT0001922.gif)
It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT0002233.gif)
The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT0002544.gif)
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This says it all:
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric...
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EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 (and VMXers of any age):
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
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(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/icon_lol.gif) Yeah Wombat, ya got me. I didn't see that coming.(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/icon_lol.gif)
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Some really classic lines in that last one. I hope I can remember them when an opportunity arises.
I think these two were Gold!
Your heart is only good for so many beats..........Want to live longer? Take a nap.
If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. :D ;D :D ;D
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Short and sweet - an Irish joke, just for a change ;D.
Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said; 'Paddy, will you draw your
bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'
'Why?' Paddy asked.
'Because,' said Mick, 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'
'Silly buggers,' Paddy said, 'the laugh's on them. I wasn't even home yesterday.' ;D
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73 scamming rides on a mates green xr75 ... 81 seen me playing with a Z1100mk11 and angry is shorter than me and chrissie didnt wear knikkers to her concerts :o
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The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.
Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?
We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks.
It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush.
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Wombat, ya just hamming it up now and telling porkies ;D.
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TOP TIPS:
DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the garbage bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and mail it to yourself via the Postal Service. You will never see it again.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs/Resumes into the garbage.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try mailing $50 to yourself.
BLIND PEOPLE: At least give yourself a chance of seeing something by not wearing those heavy dark glasses all the time.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
DEPRESSED PEOPLE: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on anti- depressants, etc.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
SHOES: They will last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE MEN: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside a woman's fashion shop with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
McDONALD'S: Should make 'green' coloured take-away bags so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit and you can use the saved energy to vacuum the house afterwards.
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Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be forked if he needed glasses".
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(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/th_IRISHDUITEST.jpg) (http://s96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/?action=view¤t=IRISHDUITEST.flv)
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A precious little girl walks into a Pet Shop and asks:
"Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The Shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so he's on her level and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit - or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes and rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk..."
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The Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'Not this time!'
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A man owned a small farm. The Department of Labour and Industry claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.
He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
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WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS ;D
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT000011.jpg)
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT000022.jpg)
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT000033.jpg)
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT000044.jpg)
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT000055.jpg)
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Beans happen:
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love.
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home.
So I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously..
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfw4uGwKEiY&feature=related
...for the Black Adder fans ;D.
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Tool Descriptions
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly- stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh *..'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. Most often the tool used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
15/16 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel debris.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.
FLAT-HEAD SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Often used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Adelaide Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
POCKET KNIFE: Used to slice through the contents within cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as car seats, vinyl, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.
MICROMETER...A precision tool made for measuring objects in increments of one thousand of an inch. In emergency situations it can double as a 'C' clamp.
CRESCENT WRENCH: Adjustable wrench used in place of proper tool.
Generally rounds off bolts slower than pliers, but with same effect. Also used as hammering device, usually on concrete followed by loud cursing.
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An oldie but so sooo true Firko ;D
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A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the Most
embarrassing moment in listener's lives. (Yeah, yeah, if you believe that I've got a nice new bridge I can sell you ;D) The final four were:
4th Place (deserves better IMHO)
"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons.
I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.'
After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity andwalked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."
3rd Place
"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'.
My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in myfamily has planned any surprise parties."
(That's a true story. I know, I rang it in ;D).
2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got
up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out
across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax
supersize.'
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' , and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.'
And the winner is . . ...
1st Place.
This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology
lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in
semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you
correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in
sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some
statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why
doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst
out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised
exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and
without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was
heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally
straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet
because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and
not in the back of your throat'.
Yeah, that deserves 1st place, it put me ROFL holding my sides.
;D ;D ;D ;D
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Sofa King We Todd Did
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dz3whuYYxG0&feature=related
-
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the footpath.
Noticing this, a Policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 notes falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?'
You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.
So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
Each time some guy sticks his willy through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop.
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
-
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)
Thats why Scrooge McDuck never had duckings isn't Micky ;D.
-
HOW MANY F's
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
see below
try again there is 6.
yep, there is 6, your brain can't process the word of.
If you counted 6 first then you should not be on this website u r a genuis ;D
I guess I'm a Genius...well not really, I read it backwards and all the 'F' s stood out. Here's a bit of trivia...
Apparently we are so 'programmed' to scanning a page from left to right that we easily skip over things; such as the 'F's. We tend to look for lost items (tiny screws/circlips) on the ground in a similar manner.
The theory is that our eyes skim over these things from left to right, but if you scan from right to left you'll notice your eyes stop when they pick something out of place.
It works for me...
-
I loved that last post - I don't often laugh out loud when reading!
-
(http://www.boners.com/content/805658.1.jpg)
-
Grab the pig!! seen the price of pork lately!!!!
-
No we used to poor petrol over the tyres and road too. Adds that touch of glamour to the run of the mill burn out. :D Cheers Tim Best one I remember was a bloke on a Z900 doing a burnout with flames on a steel building frame girder!! 4 stories up!!!!!!! with his girlfriend on back................ :o
-
And didn't your feet get bloody hot! Don't try it in an old bath tub, the poxy old crap were made out of cast iron and those little cast leg things hook up in pot holes then the whole shebang shatters like glass .............. not that I know from dumb teenage experience ;)
-
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN 'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
-
WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG? TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
-
WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG? TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/icon_lol.gif)
To compensate, well we did invent motorcycles and MX ;D
-
KEVIN RUDD was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. RUDD if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
1 little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would
be a 'tragedy.'
No,' said RUDD' that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'
'I'm afraid not,' explained MR. RUDD' that's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. RUDD searched the
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mrs. RUDD was struck
by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed RUDD. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a forking accident
either!'
-
KEVIN RUDD was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. RUDD if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
1 little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would
be a 'tragedy.'
No,' said RUDD' that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'
'I'm afraid not,' explained MR. RUDD' that's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. RUDD searched the
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mrs. RUDD was struck
by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a
tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed RUDD. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a forking accident
either!'
Gee, the honeymoon must be over. ::) :(
-
Gee, the honeymoon must be over.
Never was one as far as I was concerned. ;D Never voted for the sorry saying piss ant little lip licker. :P
-
Which one??????????????????????????? covers a bloody lot of the pollies. Lowest paid workers today get another $21.66 a week in their pay from October. Today also the head bureaucrats get a pay rise of $1427.70 a week start now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The pollies will have one (with back pay of course ) in the near future and it wont be no pissy $21.66.
-
Two bored casino workers were waiting at the crap table. A very attractive
blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll
of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I
play topless.' With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice, and
yelled, 'Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!'
As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and
squealed 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers...
and then picked up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'
Moral of the story:
1. Not all Southerners are stupid.
2. Not all blondes are dumb.
3. But all men... are men. ::) ;) ;D
-
A bloke was on his way down to the pub for a couple of cold beers after a big day at work.
As he was walking to the pub, he took a detour along the train tracks where he seen this sweet young naked woman tied to the railway tracks. He quickly run over to her, untied her and they then proceeded to make mad passionate love.
After he was finished, off he went to the pub to have his beer.
He couldnt hold back his excitements and started telling his best mate the story, walking down to the pub, found the good looking chick, made passionate love blah blah.
His mate just couldnt believe it and said thats awesome, did she give you a blo job, to which he replied, "nah couldnt find her head" ::)
-
A bloke was on his way down to the pub for a couple of cold beers after a big day at work.
As he was walking to the pub, he took a detour along the train tracks where he seen this sweet young naked woman tied to the railway tracks. He quickly run over to her, untied her and they then proceeded to make mad passionate love.
After he was finished, off he went to the pub to have his beer.
He couldnt hold back his excitements and started telling his best mate the story, walking down to the pub, found the good looking chick, made passionate love blah blah.
His mate just couldnt believe it and said thats awesome, did she give you a blo job, to which he replied, "nah couldnt find her head" ::)
HA!! If my boy ever asks me to explain 'black humour', I'll show him this joke.
-
I gave my wife one of those T shirts .It tasted awful............. :-[
-
So THATS why my girl wont say yes?
She doesnt Wash or Iron ;D
Seems a a petty reason to knock back an obligatory Tee shirt if ya ask me .
-
Wrong colour t-shirt...all kitchen appliances are white.
-
Wrong colour t-shirt...all kitchen appliances are white.
:D :D :D
-
Two Gang prospects get pulled over by a hiway cop
Cop walks up to the drivers window reaches in Bitch slaps the prospect and says " boy you better have your licence ready when i come back ".
Cop then walks round to the passenger window reaches in and slaps the passenger .
2nd prospect says "what the fork was that for '
Cop replys "Boy im just making your wish come true" Prospect looks puzzled ???
Cop says "i know as soon as im gone your gonna say i wish that forker had tried that with me " ;D
-
This blokes riding his bike and has a really bad accident
They go through all his personal belongings to try and identify him and ring his wife to come up to the hospital
Up she comes and runs into the triage nurse screaming 'wheres the doctor, wheres the doctor,my husband, hes been in a terrible accident
Out comes the doctor and says' we have good news and bad news but you best come along with me,
The doctor takes the wife to the emergency dept and says' your husband is behind this curtain,but be prepared for a shock,
He pulls back the curtain and heres two eyeballs, yes thats right 2 eyeballs laying on a pillow, the wife goes oh my god is that my husband, the doctor goes yes.
The wife says to the doctor, so whats the good news, the doctor says your husband is still alive
The wife then says whats the bad news
The doctor says "hes blind" ;D
-
Adam comes home from pissed , climbs into bed kisses the missus and goes to sleep. He wakes to find an old bloke in a white robe in front of him .
"get out of my house' he says to the bloke. The bloke replys "its not your house im St peter youv'e died and are in heaven "
What says Adam ' I cant be dead im to young to die send me back "
Not that easy says St Peter , you can go back but not in your previous form. You can go back as a Dog or a Hen, Adam thinks about it decides a dogs to much like hard work , so he will go back as a Hen.
St pete says very well and in a flash Adams in a farm yard pecking corn . This aint to bad thinks Adam , nice set of feathers plenty of corn its all good exept for this sore guts.
Along comes a Rooster "you must be the new hen " he says "st peter said you were coming, how are you settling in "
Good says Adam "exept for this sore guts .
Your Egg bound says the Rooster you need to lay a coulpe of eggs
Adam squeezes for all hes worth and sure enough out pops an egg , Another good shove and another egg .
Adams busy laying a third egg when he hears his wife screaming
For fecks sake wake up Adam your shitting all over the bed :-[
-
:D good one bill, you can just picture that one :D
-
I'm wondering if Bill has changed the name of the lead character...hey, we've all been really drunk!! ;)
-
why do Arabs have oil and the Irish potatoes ?
The Irish had first choice :)
-
whats the difference between a magicians wand and a Coppers baton ?
The Magicians wand is for cunning stunts :)
-
Whats the difference between a bucket of shit and a polititician ?
The Bucket :)
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whats the difference between a magicians wand and a Coppers baton ?
The Magicians wand is for cunning stunts :)
Bill , thats a cracker , I am trying to remember it , but keep getting it wrong . What the hell .
-
Why do Blondes drive convertibles ?
More leg room :)
-
Whats the difference between a Blonde and the Panama canal
Ones a busy ditch :)
-
Eddie Mcguire ask the bloke on millionaire the $32,000 question
Spell clitoris ?
The bloke thinks for a while then says
"this is stupid i had it on the tip of my tongue this morning" :)
-
Polititians are like nappies , they should be changed often and for the same reason :)
-
Definition of bravery , coming home late, pissed, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaping the wife on the arse and saying
"your next fatty" :)
-
Before going to Europe on business a man drove his rolls royce to a new york city bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5000.00.
the loan officer, taken aback requested collateral.
Heres the keys to my rolls royce the man says . the loan officer promptly had the car driven to the banks underground carpark for safe keeping, and gave the man $5000.00
Two weeks later the man returned to the bank to settle the loan.
That will be $5000.00 for the principal and $15.40 in interest said the loan officer.
The man paid collected his keys and started to walk away .
Wait sir said the loan officer while you were away i did a credit check on you and found out that you are a Billionaire . why in the world would you need to borrow $5000.00 ?
The man smileed and said where else could i park my car in Manhatten for two weeks and pay only $15.40 /? :)
-
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your girlfriend?
A: About 20 kilos...
-
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard
from a distant corner..
'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'
;D
-
Allison , I imagined your legs to look a bit different ;D
-
steven found it on a carby website hunt
What interesting tattoos would we find on a 'radiator' web hunt? ::) :-\
Tatts are a very personal thing - but a carby?! :o ???
-
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim.
Two Molson Canadian beers please'.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John.
'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?
And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
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(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)
I think you forgot to mention 'clouded judgement' and rampant ego.
-
To be topical ;D
Just arrived in Sydney and after getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,
'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!'
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets
his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal
until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
...
...
...
...
...
Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'
-
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
-
An Aussie, Kiwi & South African are sitting around having a few shots of whisky.
They have a skull down out of the shot glasses and all of a sudden, the South African pulls out a pistol, throws his glass in the air and shoots it to smithereens then yells out, in South Africa, we have so many diamonds to pay for the glasses we dont have to drink from the same one twice.
They have another skull down out of the shot glasses and all of a sudden, the Kiwi pulls out a pistol, throws his glass in the air and shoots it to smithereens then yells out, in EnZud we have so many sheep to sell to pay for the glasses we dont have to drink from the same one twice.
They have another skull down out of the shot glasses and all of a sudden, the Aussie pulls out a pistol, throws his glass in the air and shoots the Kiwi and the South African dead then yells out, in Australia, we have so many Kiwis and South Africans we dont have to drink with the same one twice. :D
-
the seven Dwarfs got to the Vatican,& because they're ARE the seven Dwarfs they're immediatly ushered in to see the Pope
Grumpy leads the group
Grumpy my son ,"how can i help you"
Grumpy asked,"your excellency,are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
the pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,thinks for a moment & answers,"no grumpy,there are no dwarf nuns in Rome"
in the backgroung a few of the dwarfs start giggling
Grumpy turns around & glares, silencing them
Grumpy turns back,"your Worship,are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
the Pope puzzled now,again thinks for a moment & answers,"no Grumpy,there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe"
this time all of the dwarfs burst out laughing
once again Grumpy turns around & silences them with a angry glare
Mr Pope,"are there ANY dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world"
the Pope really confused by these questions says,'i'm sorry my son there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world"
the other dwarfs collapse in a heap,rolling & laughing,pounding the floor,tears rolling down their cheeks,as they begin chanting
Grumpy screwed a penquin"
"Grumpy screwed a penquin"
-
'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
Not wanting to go to Iraq?!! I'd say he had no balls at all ;D ::) ;D.
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/BearWarningPosted.jpg)
-
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with The devil...
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of Fun down here.
You a drinking man?'
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And You don't have to worry about getting a hangover, Because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We Get the finest cigars from all over the world, and Smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, You're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you Want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, Whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, You're dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't Mean...?'
Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help Yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke A doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the Drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool Place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No...'
Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough...'
-
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked him straight in the eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes widened in horror and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw us both in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.' ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
There's some mystical connection between Harleys and stupidity :o ::) ;D.
Something that makes this just sooo believable ;D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsSTwuOKRKI&feature=related
-
Plenty of truth in those eleven gems!!
-
Politicallt incorrect but funny,
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ea0b05d406
-
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. 'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.' You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!
She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere.
On him, the walls, etc.
'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'
-
Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?'
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
'Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a sma ll world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going?'
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'
-
The wrong answer:
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed..
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
fork ....
-
Things you always wanted to know about life but were too disinterested to ask ??? ::) :P :D ;D
1/ If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
2/If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it! Now if I could find away to harness this power to a VMXer.....hmmmm)
3/ The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
4/ A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
5/ A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
6/ Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
7/ The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the. ..?!)
8/ The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (Yeah, but how far can a flea jump a VMXer)
9/ The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
10/ Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
11/ Butterflies taste with their feet.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
12/ The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......next time I can't get a rusted boly to move I'll know what to try next ::))
13/Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(yeah team!!! ;))
14/Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing - are BMW's elephants? ;D)
15/ A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
16/ An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that.)
17/ Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
18/Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
19/ Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone ! (and God love that pig!)
-
7/ The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the. ..?!)
Hmmm; these may be true, I don't know - but I don't believe this one!
-
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47.. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYp_Xi4AtAQ
-
I think he told her the joke about humping the sister or something ;D
-
Wally's Wedding Night
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.
Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it.....
Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,
'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: ......'You mean I was here already?'
The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Senior moments have advantages. ;D
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYp_Xi4AtAQ
Yep, there's some great stuff on You Tube; but you'll notice the head was devoured AFTER the rooting - not before.
A hickey gone wrong?
-
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No t*ts
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_Farmers3Daughters.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view¤t=Farmers3Daughters.flv) :) ;) :D ;D
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A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis,
something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her,
'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies:
'Because I really miss mine'.
;D :D ;) ;D
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/pdf.gif)
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image01515151515151515.jpg)
-
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a coffee shop one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows. The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.' The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.' The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.' And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!' The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.' ;D
-
Think your a good rider???????????????
Well you aint this good
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=fjGfv2AeUss
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image0055555555.jpg)
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image01717171717171717.jpg)
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There is currently a scam going around a few Bunnings stores.
Here's how it works:
Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car
as you're packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your
windscreen with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts; it is impossible not to look. When you thank them and
offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another
Bunnings; you agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start
having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat
and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had
my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,20th,
three times on Sunday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. PLEASE
BEWARE!!!
-
Sounds like a dream i had. I woke up ship wrecked..... broken mast and sea men everywhere !
Er, which Bunnings ????
-
There's a Bunnings 100 metres from where I work.
I'm hanging out for payday so's I can buy a bag full of wallets! ;)
-
Sumtink put put a smile on ya dial ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_animals.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view¤t=animals.flv)
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Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
-
Enough of the jokes, what about a "feel good story" It's amazing how an elephant can remember things.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant. ;D
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_911.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view¤t=911.flv)
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John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. This took an awful lot of time, so John got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the sound of the bells.
John's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all morning. Curious, John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing, but Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up to a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud, he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded Brewster the No Bell Prize but also The Pullet Surprise.
-
A blonde pushes her Maico into the bike shop. She tells the mechanic, "It won't start."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it starts and is idling smoothly.
She says, "Well?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"
-
WOMAN'S DIARY
28 July 2007 Saturday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we
made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 28 July
Australia lost the cricket.
Gutted.
Got a root though.
-
True Tale - a Brisvagas Cabbie's tale
One rainy night in Spring Hill, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
" Milton Road ", answered the woman.
"OK", he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"
"Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat,smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" :o ::) ;D
-
True Tale - a Brisvagas Cabbie's tale
One rainy night in Spring Hill, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
" Milton Road ", answered the woman.
"OK", he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"
"Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat,smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" :o ::) ;D
Our girls are nice - she'd have to be a Tourist.
-
husband and wife on 10th annversary wife strips for husband and says "what were you thinking when i first stripped for you 10 years ago"
husband replied "i was thinking i wanted to fork your brains out and suck your tits dry"
wife replies "what are you thinking now"
husband says "looks like i did a pretty good job"
-
husband and wife on 10th annversary wife strips for husband and says "what were you thinking when i first stripped for you 10 years ago"
husband replied "i was thinking i wanted to fork your brains out and suck your tits dry"
wife replies "what are you thinking now"
husband says "looks like i did a pretty good job"
Champagne comedy - top shelf there Caps! (in a totally sexist blokey sort of way).
-
haha i thought that one would knock a bell
-
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the forking pots!"
-
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
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(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)Yeah, I can identify with that ;D
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SOMETHING HERE TO UPSET EVERYONE...
Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'
Wife say's to husband, 'Doctor says I have the tits and a*s of an 18 year old'
Husband says 'What about your 40 year old c*nt?'
Wife says ' We didn’t mention you'!
My ex wife asked what reincarnation is.
I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'Your not f*cking listening'!
Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f*ck's off.
Today an Abo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.
Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.
A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today.
Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the Mosque.
A female Al-Queda terrorist was found dead today in her bathroom.
Police believe she got her anthrax mixed up with her tampax and blew up the wrong c*nt.
Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says
'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
Young woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me an epidural.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f*cker'.
He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ar*e but you said,
'F*ck off it'll be too painful',
Now who's laughing'?
-
Wombie, that is the most disgusting collection of politically incorrect jokes I have ever seen.....
.....but funny ;D. ;D ;D ;D ::) :P
Here's another.
A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage,
"Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage answers, "Yes."
The robber promptly shoots him in the head.
He then asks the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"
The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did." ;D ;D ;D
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Wombie, that is the most disgusting collection of politically incorrect jokes I have ever seen.....
Yeah, I nearly deleted the racial ones but I didn't wish to discriminate...
-
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
**Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
**'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? .**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*
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Skinny Dipping.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years and
had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he
fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple
and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or even make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast. . . ;D
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There's an effort to elect an unknown random person as President... and it's someone we know! Watch this online video about the surprising new nominee:
http://www.tsgnet.com/pres.php?id=46832&altf=Nbhpp&altl=
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There's an effort to elect an unknown random person as President... and it's someone we know! Watch this online video about the surprising new nominee:
http://www.tsgnet.com/pres.php?id=46832&altf=Nbhpp&altl=
What's he manifesto? No child shall be without a VMX! All towns shall have a VMX friendly MX track! Big End and Piston Kits for CR500's are to be considered essential to the National Interest and all National Resources shall be mobilised to ensure their ongoing supply! All VMX resto costs and all VMX racing costs are to be 100% tax write offs. It shall be obligatory for all VMX race organisers to provide free beer and BBQ at the end of each race meeting ;D.
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Help me with the dishes.
-
Woman whispering .....
Fine:
This is the word they use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade.
Nothing:
This means something, and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you’re welcome.
Thanks A Lot:
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you “Nothing".
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A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
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A man and his wife were celebrating together for 50 years. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.
'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.'
'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today.'
Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad.. I just flew in from Sydney between cases and didn't have time to shop for you.'
'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.'
Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me overseas and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.'
After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'
The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?'
'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too.' ;D
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I tried a Viagra....
....... it got caught in my throat and I have had a stiff neck all day!! :D ;D
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I can't locate that thread where we posted odd pictures and graphics so here's where I'll put it...
I took this photo of a spectator at the Gold Coast dirt track event two weeks ago:
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Wombat,
Hope there was no Bin laden fans at the event. ;) ;D
Can't really imagine there would be.
The silly photos and graphics page you are after is in General Discussion on page 2.
cheers
Alison
hey check out the amount of posts on OZVMX forum,,(main page at the bottom ) someone is going to be number 444444 ........cool,wonder if they will win a stubbie holder from VMX mag ;D
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This is enough to make you think twice about fishing!
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the
day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that shit?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped
fishing
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A suicide bomber bursts through the doors of a pet shop and screams " you all got 30 seconds to get out!" little tortoise at rear of the shop screams back " YOU C**T"
-
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.
"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.
She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."
The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.
"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."
"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.
"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"
"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.
He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.
"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."
"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"
He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.
"What do you want for some water?"
"You have to have sex with me."
Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.
"Do me here," she told him.
He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"
The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.
"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."
"Then lay back and close your eyes again."
This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.
"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."
"Eyes closed," he says.
Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.
"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.
So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.
One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
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This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!" she said.
"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."
"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."
"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"
"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"
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A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
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I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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Dishwasher and sandwich maker sale!
Crazy prices! Everything must go!
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Anyone got a light..
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Wombat,that would have to be the bestest worstest sexist pic I have ever seen :o
you'd even have a bike polisher in that lot ;) ;D
Alison
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Ever been this drunk?
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Little 4 year old Johnie is playing with his testicles in the bath and asks
"Mum are these my brains in here"
Mum replies "Not yet Son" :D
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should fix it. But somehow I always had something else to take care of first - the ute, the car, the bikes. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Should be fine to ride VMX though ::) 8) ;D.
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a teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students,"Human beings are the only animals that stutter",she says
a little girls raises her hand,"i had a kitty-cat who stuttered" she volunteered,
the teacher,knowing how precious some of these stories could become,asked the girl to describe the incident,
Well,she began ,I was in the backyard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start & before we knew it,he jumped over the fence into our yard,
"that must have been scary,"said the teacher,
"It sure was",said the little girl,my kitty raised his back,went Fffff Fffff Ffffff,and before he could say fork,the Rottweiler ate him!!
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(http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c274/pokeit1st/mummy.jpg)
Mummy Works at Bunnings and sells shovels
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A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"The woman did not hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.It will bring about world peace and harmony."The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.
"The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic,likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
www.vmxshotz.com
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"The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic,likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."
I don't get it. I know 100's of guys who meet the specs, starting with me ;) ;D.
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sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."
I don't get it. I know 100's of guys who meet the specs, starting with me ;) ;D.
[/quote]
Quote from: vmx247 on November 18, 2008, 04:13:40 PM
Love thy neighbor. Cool
I do, but she won't love me back
SOMETHING JUST DON"T ADD UP MX250 ;)
[/quote]
You're preplexed!!!! Well that makes two of us ;) :). I think they call it 'women's logic' ::);D.
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Yep, I expect to see that sort of thing whenever I watch these blokes.
Who here would've tried this 'free style' stuff if it was happenin' back in the day... I don't think I would. :o ::)
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The truth of failure can be written in words too. Take for instance, when you lean over to peer at what wisdom is written on the toilet floor and it states, "if you can read this you have just shit on your ankles and undies...."
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A guy is driving around the back of some woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden. The guy goes into the garden and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Labrador replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar - he never did any of that stuff." ;) ;D
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 01P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,
Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 09 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'
This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!
If you agree, send it to all your friends who would enjoy this!!!!!
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In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.
Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth. But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring. According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota , some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language. "Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon. "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist." The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."
The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska . "Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.
;D ;) :D :) ;D
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A duck walks into a Hotel, waddles up to the Bar and jumps onto the bar stool.
"Good morning, I'm a duck. Do you have any bread?" he says to the Barman.
Barman looks at the duck and says, "No Mate, this is a Pub. I don't have any bread".
Duck looks disappointed, hops off the stool and waddles back out.
Two minutes later the duck re-enters the Bar, hops onto the barstool and looks at the Barman.
"Hi, I'm a duck. Do you have any bread?"
The Barman stares at the duck...
"Mate, I've told you once already. This is a pub. I don't have any bread. Now piss off!"
Duck looks glum. He hops off the stool and heads back out the doors.
After two minutes the duck waddles in again, up to the bar with the same question.
"I'm a Duck. Can I have some bread?"
"Mate, I've had a gutful!" says the Barman.
"I've told you I don't have any bread. If you ask me one more time I'll nail ya f#ckin' beak to the bar - now PISS OFF!!"
Duck ponders this; looks disappointed.
He hops off the stool and leaves the Hotel.
A few seconds later he returns and he's up on the barstool eye to eye with the Barman.
"Hi, I'm a duck. Do you have any nails?" he asks the Barman.
"NO, it's a Pub! I don't have any f#ckin' nails!" says the visibly shaking Barman.
"Cool; do you have any bread?"
-
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers
The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:
Red.......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange................Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes
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Two line love poems to add sparkle to your black eyes.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other --
That is until I met your poofta brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm so good at telling forking lies!
My love, you honestly take my breath away.
What shit have you stepped in to smell that way?
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to bloody hell."
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
*
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NPL* Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
(*Narellan Pub Laboratories, a non government full independant and opinionated public spirited charity sponored by Jim Beam and others ;) ;D.)
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Or a Virgin :D :D
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/ATT018031111.jpg)
Just in case you weren't feeling "too" old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who started university this year across the nation were born in 1989.
Star Wars is older than them.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
They have always had an answering machine
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They have always had CD's, never records.
Ray Martin has been on Channel 9 their entire life.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even was.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading. ;D ;) ;D
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Yep loved the larger type/font 8) ;D
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Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work
leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't
driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the
car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom
with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the
neighbours' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I
confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an
affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his
Job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly
depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the
ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
-------------------------------
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on
the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter.
--------------------------------------------
I don't get it but someone seems to think that its a good joke. It seems a perfectly good answer if you ask me.
;D
-
a bloke fronted up to the bar in the local pub ,pulled out of his pocket a 6" high piano ,then a pet rat. he said to the bar manager "if this rat can play the piano will you give me a free beer? "sure" said the bar man with a disbelieving smerk. so the rat sets to and starts into rachmaninof with amazing talent. the bar man gave him his beer. .he finished his beer and pulled a frog from another pocket and said "if this frog can sing ok will you shout me drinks for the rest of the day? "ok" he said, with that the frog bursts into song with a voice that would rival pavorotti!... every one is astounded!... a fellow in an amani suit comes over and offers him $1000 for the frog "no thanks" he says, the offer keeps going up till it gets to $500000, the bloke gives in and says "ok".the amani man pays up in 1/2 an hour and goes off with the frog. the bar man said "you"re nuts... you could have made millions with that frog" the bloke said.. "not really the rat is a ventriloquist"
-
A bloke enters a building site and approaches the Foreman saying, "Mate, I'm here about the handyman job you posted on the fence".
Foreman looks pleased, points at the Brickies and says, "Bewdy, we need a handyman real bad so you can start straight away - the Brickies are out of mortar, go throw a batch into the mixer".
New fella says, "I'm not real good with a shovel...".
Foreman says, "No worries, go help the Painter undercoat those new doors".
New fella says, "Painting! Mate, I'm not real flash with a paint brush either...".
Foreman has a good look at this bloke, thinks a bit and says, "Bugger, how's about you grab that hammer and knock down that old stud wall".
New fella laughing says, "Yeah I dunno... I'm not too co-ordinated when it comes to swingin' a hammer...".
The Foreman looks at the new fella, draws a big breath and says:
"Mate, ya can't operate a shovel, ya can't hold a paint brush and a hammer gives ya problems?!".
"What the f*ck makes you a handyman?".
New fella pointing says," I'm real handy - I live over there in that house on the corner".
-
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose, where they
managed to bag six of the mighty beasts.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take
only four of the moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we also shot six, and the pilot
let us take them all. He had the exact same plane as yours!"
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded on to the plane.
Once airborne, however, the little plane couldn't handle the heavy load,
and it went down into a snow covered valley.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last
year.
-
Those with failing eye sight might like to use the following chart to check their eyes.....
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/eyes.jpg)
How ya go? ;D
-
A bloke goes to the doctor with a large strawberry stuck in his arse ! :o
Quack says "i will give you some cream for that !"
-
true bravery is arriving at home at 2am after a boys night out, being assualted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask "are you cleaning, or are you getting ready to fly somewhere?
-
Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense
of humour with the following
'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...'
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean...'
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbour's goat.
-
Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle,she was attracted to him,& during her questions about his life,she asked him how he had sex,
"Tarzan not know sex",he repiled,Jane explained to him what sex was!,
Tarzan repied,"oh......Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree",
horrified, Jane said,"Tarzan,you have it all wrong,but i will show you how to do it properly"
she took off her clothing,& lay down on the ground,"Here " she said,pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here"
tarzan removed his loincloth,showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her,& kicked her in the crotch!,
Jane rolled about in agony for what seemed an eternity,
Eventually she managed to gasp for air,& screamed,"What did you do that for"
Tarzan replied
"just checking for squirrel"
-
I like it Mick ;D.
Have I put this up before? Ah, it worth a revisit anyway ;) ;D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_unnamed-1.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view¤t=unnamed-1.flv)
-
It's been confirmed that actress Dawn French has contracted the Ebola flesh-eating disease. Doctors have given her 27 years to live... ;)
-
I was in Bunnings the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess
I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top
and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Most old guys like me are helpful like that. ;D.
-
thats funny ;D
-
;) :D ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/apple.jpg)
;) :D ;D
-
Wonder if they play that song by the ANGELS ,,,,,,,,,,,,, "am I ever gonna see your face again....no way.......g.. f...... ,f....off.
;) :D
-
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked
'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
-
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
'I'm 96' said the old man.
'I don't want an erection,
I just want it sticking out far enough
so I don't piss on my slippers !'
Keep Smiling :)
Jackiemac
-
;D ;D ;D :D :D :D ;) ;) ;)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/ATT626093.jpg)
-
a Real Old wrikly lady in a nursing home sticks her hand up in the air and says," if anyone here can guess what ive got in my hand, Ill give you sex"
An old bloke with dementia pipes up and says" I think its a caravan to which she replies" Thats close enough :)
-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rob Langlands sent me this this morning. Of course I totally disagree. :o
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When
they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school
every morning
... Uphill... barefoot.
BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
There was no way in hell I was going to lay
A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
And how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of
today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you
Don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we
wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and
Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write
Somebody a letter, with a pen!
...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put
it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and
shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and
the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy
signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be
your school,
Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you
Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your
chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!
With games
Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little
square! You
Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no
multiple levels or
Screens, it was just one screen
Forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting
Harder and harder and
Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what
was
On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had
to get off
Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and
there was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to
wait ALL WEEK
For cartoons, you spoiled
Little rat-bastards!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
Today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
-
small town, the boss cop says to his constable "we're getting to many drunks in town too early in the day,go down the pub and pull them into line." the constable sees this drunk outside the pub and says "it's 1 oclock and your drunk" and gives him a belt over the head with his baton.the drunk says f@#$!k i'm glad you didn"t come an hour ago!
-
Johnny gets ready for work, wife is making breakfast and says , "are you okay Johnny? You look crook?"
"Im fine he says" , and sets off to work.
Upon entering work , a colleague asks if he is feeling well as he looked like shit.
"I feel fine" he said and made his way to the coffee machine wear he bumps into another co-worker.
"Gees Johnny, you look terrible, you should go to the doctors looking like that!"
"Thats the thing" ( said Johnny), "you're the third person thats said that, i might go see a doctor just in case. I do feel quite good though. i will go see the boss and ask for the day off to see the quack".
Johnny goes up to the office to see the boss, to which the boss says " wow Johnny, sit down. You look like shit! You should be at the doctors looking like that"
"Thats the thing, i feel good but everyone says i look like shit".
So off to the doctors.
"Come in Johnny, gee you look like shit"
"Thats what everyone is saying. I look like shit, but i feel quite good!"
Doc pulls out his medical book for a diagnosis.
"Looks bad, feels bad..no"
"Looks good ,feels good...no"
"Looks bad,feels good..aha!"
The doc reads the the diagnosis.
" I dont know how to tell you this Johnny, but you're a C**T!!"
-
A dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,
Stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,
One from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...
Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to the ground and killed 'em with my beer hends'
Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'
Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
-
what's the matter with you blokes dont you get my joke?
-
ross maybe you'd better stay true to maico girl!
-
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'an inch of dust!!'
And then the fight started ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive ... so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had
left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the T bone steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started ... ..
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a carton of Carlton Draught for $39.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started ... .
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her bum look big. I told her
not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started ... ..
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started ... ..
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started ... .
----------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started ... .
--------------------------------------------------------------------
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always
something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep
the driveway.'
and then the fight started ...
-
Sorry Wally, I've read it a couple of times and I just don't get it. Bear in mind it's been 30 + degrees today with 80-90% humidity in Brissy, so I may be fried.
-
hey mainline as red skelton used to say "boy the're bad when you've got to explain them!"...ok.... its 1 oclock & you're drunk, so he hits him on the head ONCE. the drunk said @#$% thank f***k you didn't come here an hour ago! [if he copped one on the head at 1 oclock what would have happened at 12?..... i was reading Allen Pease's joke book without much reaction till i came across that one and i nearly fell out of bed laughing. maybe i'm a bit warped! cheers wally...... mx 250&co must have fun making up after all those fights start!
-
thanks wally ::) i must have been in the sun too long ;D
-
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.
-
chuckle chuckle
-
You may already know this – I didn`t!!!!!!!!
THIS IS IMPORTANT..............................
What is the difference between http and https on website address's?
FIRST MANY PEOPLE ARE UNAWARE OF
**The main difference between http:// and
https:// is It's all about keeping you secure**
HTTP stands for HyperText Transport Protocol,
which is just a fancy way of saying it's a protocol
(a language, in a manner of speaking) for data to
be passed back and forth between web servers and
clients. The important thing is the letter 'S' which
makes the difference between HTTP and HTTPS.
The S (big surprise) stands for "Secure".
If you visit a website or webpage, and look at the
address in the web browser, it will likely begin with
the following: http://.
This means that the website is talking to your browser
using the regular 'unsecure' language. In other words,
it is possible for someone to "eavesdrop" on your
computer's conversation with the website. If you fill
out a form on the website, someone might see the
information you send to that site. This is why you
never -ever- enter your credit card number in an
http website!
But if the web address begins with https://, that
basically means your computer is talking to the
website in a secure code that no one can eavesdrop on.
You understand why this is so important, right?
If a website ever asks you to enter your credit card
information, you should automatically look to see
if the web address begins with https://.
If it doesn't, there's no way you're going to enter
sensitive information like a credit card number.
-
I was halfway through the above post wondering when the joke punchline was going to pop up ???
I then realised it was a serious public service announcement ::) and good advice too.
-
I can't wait until Mothers Day. I have to share:
A Mother's Love ...... This is so beautiful!
A little boy says to his mother, "Mummy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
And his mother replied, "Don't even go there!
From what I can remember about that F**king party, you're lucky you don't bark!"
-
a platoon of soldiers were marching north of Fallujah when they came apon a Iraqi terrorist badly injured & unconcious
on the opposite side of the road they found an Australian soldier in a simlilar but not as serious state
the soldier was concious,an as 1st aid was being given to both men,the platoon sargent ask the injured Australian what had happened
I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here,& coming south was this heavily armed insurgent,we saw each other & we both took cover in the ditches alonside the road
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable lowlife scum who got what he deserved!
He yelled back that Kevin Rudd was a bureaucratic good for nothing,leftwing labour dickhead who knows buggerall about running the country
So i said Osama Bin ladin dresses & acts like a frigid mean spirited lesbian
he retailiated by yelling,'oh yeah,well so does Julia Gilliard!
so there we were,in the middle of the road,laughing,shaking hands
when a forking truck hit us!
-
A bat joke:
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to p!ss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large gum tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I f*cking didn't."
-
On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress:
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us?
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr gurrr king!"
-
Okay ... so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Woolworths Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Woolworths, how can I help you?'
Customer: 'I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Woolworths Employee: 'What you want on the cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that, 'We will miss you'.
;D
-
Why spelling is sooo important
(http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c274/pokeit1st/spelling.jpg)
-
Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?
Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER!!
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry... what was the question?
-
:D :D :D
So totally true right down to the letter F :D :D :D
-
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
The Aussie doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Huh!, that's nothing. We can take an arsehole out of Queensland, put him in Canberra and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours.
-
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.
'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.
'Love dress? But you're naked!'
'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'
The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
-
STORY AS TOLD BY A RAH RAH (that's a Rugby Union devotee for our foreign friends and out of Staters)
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.
She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .
'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the GPS Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '
" Arrgghhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!
She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?'
'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
-
:D Good one Wombie ;D
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/316e6b.jpg)
Judge Judy to prostitute "So when did you realize you were raped?"
Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.' ::) ::) ;)
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Got this one sent to me today, has the same name as a certain forum member, need to watch it to the end ::)
http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/
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Got this one sent to me today, has the same name as a certain forum member, need to watch it to the end ::)
http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/
Yeah, that's the Freaky we all know and love, I just didn't know he was an attorney ;D.
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Hah your one sick puppy freaky .
-
'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does
stop your biscuit going soft.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
*Husband Store*
*A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is
a description of how the store operates:*
*You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!*
*So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:*
*Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs*
*She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
reads:*
*Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.*
*'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'*
*So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:*
*Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.*
*'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.*
*She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:*
*Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.*
*'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
*Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:*
*Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.*
*She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:*
*Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.*
*PLEASE NOTE:*
*To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street.*
*The first floor has wives that love sex.*
*The second floor has wives that love sex and like beer.*
*The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.*
-
Hey....... :o ............ WHATS IN THE BASEMENT :D ;D :D ???
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Sounds about right Jackie ;D
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Motherhood, a natural caring bond between mother and offspring.........
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image001-2.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image002-1.jpg)
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image005.jpg)
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image009.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image011.jpg)
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image012-1.jpg)
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A bloke goes to the Doctor with a problem.He drops his pants and said to the doc -my dick has gone yellow .the doctor has a look and is puzzled.i think we need to do some blood tests ,come back in a week ,the fella comes back but the doc has no answer .Spends the next week reading all books ,the internet .the bloke comes back still no answer ,so the doc asks the usuall questions ie what do you do for a job ,work enviroment etc .still no idea so doc asks about hobbies, to which the bloke replies i dont have much in the way of hobbies.the doctor said you must do some thing to relax and the bloke said welll i do like to watch pornos and eat twisties
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A bloke goes to the Doctor with a problem.He drops his pants and said to the doc -my dick has gone yellow .the doctor has a look and is puzzled.i think we need to do some blood tests ,come back in a week ,the fella comes back but the doc has no answer .Spends the next week reading all books ,the internet .the bloke comes back still no answer ,so the doc asks the usuall questions ie what do you do for a job ,work enviroment etc .still no idea so doc asks about hobbies, to which the bloke replies i dont have much in the way of hobbies.the doctor said you must do some thing to relax and the bloke said welll i do like to watch pornos and eat twisties
Thanks so much for this!! You've saved me a trip to the Doctor!
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thread bear
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Is this what they do at those kamp kevlar places ?????
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Whats the odd one out
a. A Toaster
b. A Washing Machine
c. A Refridgerator
d. A Woman
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Answer: I has to be the Toaster, its the only one that doesnt drip after its screwed. (hope thats allowed) :o
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
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There are only two ways to understand women.
and no man knows either of them.
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D yep 22 years of madness :D :D :D :D
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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
;D
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Disclaimer; these are jokes ;). No personal, city or suburb slur intended. You could probably delete the particular suburbs names and insert any suburb in any city in the world - sad but true - a comment on modern life????!!!!!
A Blacktown girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Blacktown girl,
"Ten?" says the Centrelink worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan
and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Blacktown girl, "Its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!' or
'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the Blacktown girl... "I just use their surnames"
A Fairfield girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll
take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
Q. Two Redfern girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
Q. What do you call a 30 year old Mt Druitt girl?
A. Granny.
Q. Why did the Redfern girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
Q. What do you call a Bankstown girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What's the first question during an Wentworthville quiz night?
A. What you looking at?
Q. What does a Mt Druitt girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. Two Cabramatta kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.
Q. What's the difference between a boy and a Mt Druitt girl?
A. A Mt Druitt girl has a higher sperm count.
Q. What's the most confusing day in Blacktown ?
A. Fathers day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Blacktown ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...
". . .. I would have gotten out today."
As they say, ya get less for murder. ;D
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http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view¤t=vrai-motard.flv
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_vrai-motard.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view¤t=vrai-motard.flv)
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_HowaRealManTakesoffhisUnderwear1.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view¤t=HowaRealManTakesoffhisUnderwear1.flv)
http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view¤t=HowaRealManTakesoffhisUnderwear1.flv
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Different way to take the bull by the horns :D
VALENTINES DAY FRIDAY - SPOIL YOURSELVES ROTTEN
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Different way to take the bull by the horns :D
VALENTINES DAY FRIDAY - SPOIL YOURSELVES ROTTEN
Or the horn by the bull ;) ::) :o :P
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VALENTINES DAY FRIDAY - SPOIL YOURSELVES ROTTEN
[/quote]
Friday the 13th, Friday, scare yourselves rotten. Make up on Valentines Day Saturday....if you're lucky. But remember lads, brownie points only last until the next time you screw up.... ::)
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Different way to take the bull by the horns :D
VALENTINES DAY FRIDAY - SPOIL YOURSELVES ROTTEN
I am a Taurus ;D
That explains a hell of a lot,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'm a Leo ;) :D :D ;D
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I don't have 'star sign'; There was some loophole when I was born and I simply don't have one.
True story!
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This is only funny if you are old enough to remember bil and ben the flower pot men
bill said to ben blib blubbloob and ben said if you love me you would swallow that
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Got this classic today, gotta make you laugh ;D
> Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy
> > looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to
> > you,
> > that you're from Ireland ..'
> >
> > The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
> >
> > The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
> >
> > The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
> >
> > The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
> >
> > 'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?
> >
> > The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary
> > Street
> > in the old central part of town.'
> >
> > The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
> > And to what school would you have been going'?
> >
> > The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
> >
> > The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what
> > year did you graduate'?
> >
> > The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
> >
> > The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
> > hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can
> > you
> > believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
> >
> > About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
> >
> > Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,
> > 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
> >
> > Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
> >
> > 'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'
> >
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfPjWQQDu3c
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And how good am I ,,,,,,,,Valentines day is SATURDAY :-[
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Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably out riding with his mates.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
;) :) :D ;D
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Job at the FBI:
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home..'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them...
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Right person for the Job then :D :D :D
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Their was a little old lady who lived behind the golf course, she was sick and tired of the golfers hitting their golf balls into her garden and while they where there they would have a leak in her garden, so one day she sat behind the bush with some secateurs and to every golfer who pulled there thingy out to have a pee she "said twenty dollars or ill cut it off," this went on for a couple of days ,she had made a nice sum of money so in two garbage bags she set off to town to bank the money, then a copper stop her and told her there was a hole in one of the bags and that she had twenty dollar notes falling out. Thank you for telling me with a smile on her face. but the copper couldnt leave it at that and had to ask, where she had got all the money from. well she said " i live behind the golf course and these men kept peeing on my garden everytime their ball went missing." So i sat behind the bush and told them twenty dollars or i will cut it off,,,, The copper started laughing thinking she was a smart women, then he ask whats in the other bag and she said in a small voice "their the ones that didnt pay." :o
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THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A bloke calls his mate, a Cowboy, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
Cowboy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a Dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the Dwarf shows up and the Cowboy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the he picks up the Dwarf and the little fella gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
Old mate is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
"What??!!" says the Cowboy.
Totally mad at this point, he grabs the Dwarf under the arms and rams his head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrathe that... can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
-
Women are Evil...
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third shop, everything had just been reduced when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life, he will require round- the- clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married
and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation
drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion,
they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink,
the single girl leered and said, Last Friday at the end of the work day I
went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other
people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice,
black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad
passionate love on his desk right then and there!
The engaged woman giggled and said, That's pretty much my story! When my
fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only made love all night, but he also wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, I did a lot of planning. I
made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he
grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for
dinner?'
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Keep up the great jokes people i enjoy catching up every couple of days for a laugh even the missus gets a laugh and my kids luv the vids thanks .
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Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
:o ::)
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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
'Can I help you Sir?'
'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.
The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'
'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....
'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence... :D ;D
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Guy says to his wife:
"What would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife Replies:
"I'd take half and leave you!"
Guy says:
"Excellent! I had 3 & a sup….. won 10 bucks, here's 5, now fork off"
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.........
How could anyone stoop so low? :P ;D
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Make you cry and laugh :'( :D
FUNNY,SAD AND TRUE
Important Information on the Stimulus Payment
This year, you the Australian taxpayer will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment from the Rudd Government.
This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers.
"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.
"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. Only a smidgen.
"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A. Shut up."
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or New Zealand (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And none of it will help the economy. So we need to keep that money here.
You can keep the money here by spending it at
Garage sales
Go to a football game
Prostitutes,
Beer & wine
Tattoos
Since these are the only businesses still here.
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Gee that's depressing....
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/stuffit.jpg)
...and on a friday arvo ::) :P :-[
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Come on mx250, you gotta see the funny side of the Aussie political humor ;) ;D.
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JOKES FOR BRAVE MEN:
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy. ;)
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Doctor's Funeral
A Cardiologist dies and is given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stands behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the flowered heart opens and the casket is gently rolled inside.
The heart then closes and the Cardiologist is sealed in the beautiful heart forever.
Seeing the procedure, one of the mourners bursts into laughter. When all eyes stare at him, he explains, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see, I'm a Gynaecologist."
-
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychologhy class.
The teacher started her class by saying "everyone who thinks there stupid" stand up.
After a while Little Johny stood up.
The teacher said "do you think you are stupid little Johnie".?
No mama but ,I hate to see you standing there by yourself. ;D
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Irish Coffee:
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
-
The following is a true story, only the facts have been changed:
I was out jogging one day and I picked up a tennis ball from the side of the road. It through me a bit off balance with it in my hand, so I tried it under my arm, t shirt, headband etc but not much better. I finally stuffed it down the front of my jocks where it was comfortable. As I was coming up the driveway, my elderly lady neighbor was watering her garden, so I stopped to say hello. She immediately noticed the bulge in my shorts and asked what's that? That's my tennis ball, I replied. Oh you poor dear, she said with a concerned look on her face, that must be painful, I had tennis elbow once!
Cheers,
K
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The following is a true story, only the facts have been changed:
;) ;D
-
A bloke comes home after a big day at work with a duck under his arm and walks into the Kitchen
He says " this is the pig Ive been rootin"
His missus turns to him and says "thats not pig, thats a duck"
He says" I was talking to the duck" ::)
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(http://i159.photobucket.com/albums/t137/gzbrown/IrishYoga.jpg)
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Aplane crashes on a deserted island,with only two survivors.A man and a woman who was Elle Macphearson.
Bugger they said ,but we should be rescued in acouple of days a week at the most. a week goes by then a month then two months.Elle and the bloke looked at each other and said well looks like we could be here for longer than we think,we are both healthy humans with normal urges and well they where at it like rabbits straight awy on the beach.The bloke says to Elle that was great ,fantastic but could you do me a favour Elle raises toup on her elbow and said well as long as it is not disgusting or wierd.No not at all but when you get dressed in the morning could you put on my spare clothes and act like abloke and you dont know me tomorrow .Elle thought about it ,said yes not a problem.
the next morning Elle is walking down the beach when the bloke walked up next to her and said guess who i f**ked last night.
-
After 21 pages of jokes I'm losing track of what's been posted; I don't think this has appeared:
SOMETHING HERE TO UPSET EVERYONE
Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying, your still my sister'!
Wife say's to husband, 'Doctor says I have the tits and a*s of an 18 year old'
Husband says 'What about your 40 year old c*nt?'
Wife says ' We didn’t mention you'!
My ex wife asked what reincarnation is.
I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'Your not f*cking listening'!
Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f*ck's off.
Today an Abo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.
Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen...
A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to
panic as they have managed to push it inside the Mosque.
A female Al-Queda terrorist was found dead today in her bathroom.
Police believe she got her anthrax mixed up with her tampax and blew up the wrong c*nt.
Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says
'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
Young woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me an epidural.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f*cker'.
He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ar*e but you said,
'F*ck off it'll be too painful',
Now who's laughing'?
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You've reached new heights of political incorrectness Womby.
..............but funny ;D.
-
Now if we want to get real bad ..........why dosnt a women guts fall out of her c**t? because of the vacum in her head
-
Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?
A: It was pissed off
Q: What's worse than silicon tits?
A: A cardboard box
-
Why do gays prefer ribbed condoms? For better traction in the mud
-
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................
"Try doing it with the engine running."
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Good one Sue , I like it
-
(http://)A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/roll-1.gif) ;D.
That wouldn't be me; I'm not that old ;).
-
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl,
'Will you marry me?" The girl said, 'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and
farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
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(http://)• A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle. After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally found his own bike. He sat on his motorcycle in a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, and again on and off. He started his engine and pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. "I doubt it," said the man, "You see, tonight I am the designated decoy... I haven't had a drink all day!"
Cheers Sue ;D
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i just read 'the horth withperer' and can't stop the tears.......... "I laughed so much i pith myself it run all down my leg"!
-
Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before
leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..
Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
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Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek...
The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead!
The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again. ;) :D ;D
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You dirty rotten underhand bowling cheap shots in the dark Ockers ;) ;D ;D
But at least the Blonde Swiss Girl didnt dislike the idea of the kiwi having a go, she must've been keen... ;) ;D
The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek...
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I don't think that I've ever been so amused and so horrified at the same time.
(http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f128/annaandnathan/mutual-touching.jpg)
-
??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???
-
What do you never say in a gay bar?could someone push my stool in.
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First time solo skydiver jumps from the plane. He enjoys the view then decides to pull the chute. The chute wont open so he starts to panic, pulling the cord frantically.
He then remembers the back up chute and pulls that cord and again nothing happens.
He starts to really panic, thinking what can i do.
Just then he spies a guy flying upwards towards him.
In a panicked voice he yells "do you know anything about parachutes?"
The guy says "no.... do you know anything about gas stoves???"
-
I don't think that I've ever been so amused and so horrified at the same time.
I have to agree with you on this one - that is beyond weird!
Now there's someone who needs a motorcycle in his life... ??? :-\
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Now there's someone who needs a motorcycle in his life... ??? :-\ [/color]
I'd rather not have his *type* contaminating our gene pool.
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Hmmm without knowing Nathan personally , I was a bit scared to put up remarks about his website . Its great to see we have VMX girl site now, but I wasnt aware of the VMX gay site. Lets suck and see :D
-
Hmmm without knowing Nathan personally , I was a bit scared to put up remarks about his website . Its great to see we have VMX girl site now, but I wasnt aware of the VMX gay site. Lets suck and see :D
Hmmmmm Nathan, does your family & friends know what your getting upto on the computer, the ALT/TAB key must be working overtime
You hang out at some really weird websites :-\
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'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' ;D
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$500 an HOUR=
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No ..
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law
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Hmmm without knowing Nathan personally , I was a bit scared to put up remarks about his website . Its great to see we have VMX girl site now, but I wasnt aware of the VMX gay site. Lets suck and see :D
Hmmmmm Nathan, does your family & friends know what your getting upto on the computer, the ALT/TAB key must be working overtime
You hang out at some really weird websites :-\
Found it on another forum, actually Rossco.
And the guy that posted it up on that forum was asked all of the same questions...
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:D :D :D :D You knew they were gonna be coming
-
A survey showed what men liked most about oral sex 20% liked the sensation, 10% liked the warmth and an overwhealming 70% enjoyed the silence..........................................................................
-
lol :o
-
What children wrote about the sea....
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have
sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy
age 8)
My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily
Burniston age 5)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be
better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my
big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
15
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky
age 7
On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot
up her fanny (Julie age 7)
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/mail.jpg) :D
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_Arab_Technology_Meets_German_Engine.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view¤t=Arab_Technology_Meets_German_Engine.flv)
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After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' He continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' :o :o :o
;D
-
Bruce and Murray are 2 Kiwi beggars. They beg in different areas of Bondi.
Bruce begs just as long as Murray but only collects $2 to $3 everyday.
Murray however brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Bruce says to Murray 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?' :-[
Murray says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Bruce's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'. :'(
Murray says 'No wonder you only get $2 - $3!'
Bruce says... 'So what does your sign say'? :-\
Murray shows Bruce his sign....
It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to New Zealand'. ;)
-
Just on the off chance there's someone on the Forum who hasn't heard this one:
A young Indian Brave approaches his Mum and asks the origin of their tribal names.
"Rippling Stream, can you explain these to me"?
She looked him in the eye and said, "It's all based on tribal custom..."; something he should discuss with his Dad.
So he walks about the camp looking for his Dad.
He passes his older brother and asks him the same question.
"Rising Sun, do you know how we get our names"?
The brother looked at him for a while, thought about it... then suggested his Dad should explain tribal custom.
At that moment the young Braves father came into view.
He waved at his Dad and ran over to find an answer.
"Prowling Bear, please share with me the reason for our names - how are they chosen"?
The Father looked at his boy and nodded...
"Son, it is our custom for the Father to name his child immediately after the birth".
"It is the Fathers duty to take his newborn child from the Teepee for the very first time, hold him close and choose a name based on the first thing the Father sees upon stepping outside".
"But tell me Two Dogs F*cking, why do you ask"?
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....the only person who hasn't heard that is currently appearing in reply #334.... ::)
-
opps
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/ATT626093.jpg)
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cheers gd ;D
-
a truckie walks into a outback roadside diner with a full grown emu behind him,the waitress asks them for their orders,the truckie says i'll have hamburger,chips & a coke,turns to the emu,whats yours,i'll have the same thanks!,a short time later the waitress returns with their order,that will be $9.40,the truckie reaches in his pocket & hands her the correct amount,the next day the truckie & the emu come again,the truckie says a hamburger,chips,& a coke,the emu says i'll have the same!,again the truckie reaches into his pocket for the exact amount,this becomes routine for a few days,till one day the waitress says the usual?,no it's friday night,so i'll have a steak,baked potato,& a salad says the truckie,same says the emu,shortly the waitress brings the order,that will be $32,75,once again the truckie pulls the eact amount from his pocket,lays it on the table,the waitress cannot hold her curiosity back any longer,excuse me mate,but how do you manage to have the exact amount in your pocket everytime,well love says the truckie,i was cleaning out the back shed one day & found an old lamp,when i rubbed it a genie appeared & offered me 2 wishes,my 1st wish was if i ever had to pay for anything,i just had to reach in my pocket & the correct amount would always be there!,thats brilliant said the waitress,most people would asked to be a millionaire,this way you always have money & be rich for as long as you want,thats correct says the truckie,wether it's a gallon of milk,or a rolls royce,the exact money is always there,well whats with the bloody emu asked the waitress,the truckie sighs,pauses,& answers,my second wish was for a tall chick with long legs,a big arse,& who always agrees with everything i say
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money...
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits. ;)
Men are like that, you know.
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. ;D
-
HAVING MUM OVER FOR DINNER:
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's 'roommate',
Jennifer was. Brian's Mum had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
________________________________________
Dear Mum ,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian ___________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
___________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer,
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum ___________________________________
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!
-
'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
we don't even have a dog--Jack, 7 years
-
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non -living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
-
Hey DJ,
Did you run those by Karen before posting???
With that kind of insight you could have your own Talk Show - Ask Dr DJ??
I can almost hear the audience cheering from here…
VMX42
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Hell ya Jeff, otherwise I would have to learn to cook again ;) ;D
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $2000 Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks/planes/motorbikes/sport. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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ta gd
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WICO
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME!
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants only.
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
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Whew !...and in the Blue Corner.... :D
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Whew !...and in the Blue Corner.... :D
I believe this is the only topic where opposites can dual safety in gest ;) :-X ;D
alison
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Reckon ? Someone will throw a big tanty and mince off into the sunset, I reckon.... :D :D :D
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(http://)(http://i710.photobucket.com/albums/ww107/xxena5/nuts1.jpg)
mx250 after i had read your joke i found this very amusing.
Sue
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a woman arrives home,finds husband stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter
what are you doing?
,hunting flies he replies
oh,killing any, she asks
yep he replied,3 males,& 2 females!
intrigued,she asked,how can you tell them apart?
easy he responded,3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.___
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Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mixed their sperm together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby was born, they rushed to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other.
'All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves the superiority of gay love!'
The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!' :D
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;D Yeah, I'll pay that one.
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
;) ;D
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who is your real friend?
try this quick experiment
put your missus ,& your dog in the boot of your car for about an hour
when you open the boot,which one is really happy to see you ;D
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:D
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Why Men Prefer Dogs To Women
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
Dogs don't cry.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
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All, oh so true Ian. ;D ;D ;D ;D
And dogs don't care if your car is a 20m year old shit box ute............
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/Picture070.jpg)
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Oh dear!!!!!!!! ::) :o ::)
Achmed, the Arab, came to Great Britain from the Middle East, and
he was here only a few months when he became very ill. He went to
doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: 'Take dees bocket, go into
de Odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head
down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'
Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket,
peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific!
What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said ... "You were homesick." ;D
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I've got two dogs
I can kick them and they don't kick me back :D :D :D :D :D ;) ;) ;)
Alison
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Yes and when you are tired of them you can use a lead injection ( cant do this with kids)
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One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
;D x 10.
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forkin oath ;D ;D ;D classic
-
I like the alternative punch-line, which is:
"I don't think I'm having sex tonight, either".
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SAD NEWS ARRIVED TODAY WITH THE CANCELLATION OF CD6 AND QUEENSLAND CLASSIC NATIONALS
ITS WAS REPORTED ON OZVMX HOME PAGE
APRIL FOOLS ;) ;D
Alison
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Two Arabs had just arrived in Australia and made a pact to meet up in a years time to see which one had become more "Australian" in that time. On meeting up at the pub, Bob (Achmed), says to Phil (Ichmel), I think I've got this one in the bag mate. I love meat pies, footy, Holdens and even vegemite sandwiches, beat that. Phil looks at Bob and says, piss off towel head!
Cheers,
K
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IRISH LOVER
Paddy and Colleen were making
passionate love in Paddy's mini-van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on
the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this
unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a
flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van
and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices
that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she
goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and
asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Colleen, a little
embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the
kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims,
"I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst
case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen"...
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<embed width="448" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" src="http://i323.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/9283.flv">
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So a cop pulls over a biker for going 100 mph.
Cop, "You better be a good excuse or you're going to jail"
Biker "Sorry sir, but my wife ran off with a cop yesterday and I thought it was you trying to return her "
-
Why Condoms come in boxes of 3, 6, & 12:
A man walks into a Chemist shop with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.'
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, '
Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies,
'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'
Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers,
'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...'
-
Things were different when I was a nipper - we didn't have this sort of variety with the Lego pieces... :P
-
Check this piece of art:
-
The old bloke and the Nursing Home:
An old bloke enters a Nursing Home on the advice of his son.
He's getting on in years and it's for the best he has someone around to look after him.
After two days his son drops in for a visit to see how Dad's handling the place - does he like it and whaddya think?
Dad says, "Not too sure this place is for me... I have me doubts. Yesty I was lyin' in bed while the Nurse was givin' me a tub.
Fair dinkum, I got a hard on! So the Nurse looks surprised - but then she straddles me in the bed and grinds me like coffee!"
"As she climbs orf she says, Ya can't let one of those go to waste!"
"Sensational Dad; ya gotta be happy with that?!"
"Yep, yep, yep. I was pleased... but today I was shufflin' up the corridor and I fell over. Then quick as a flash the Male Nurse shot up behind me, dropped me daks and shoved his old fella up me bum!! UP ME BUM!!"
"Eventually he climbs out and says, Ya gotta take these opportunities when they come around!"
"Well Dad, ya gotta take the good with the bad - I saw that Nurse and she's a hottie. Don't be too hasty on wanting to leave."
"Yeah... yeah I know what you're sayin... but I only get an erection once or twice a year - and I fall over at least three times a day!" ;) :D
-
Wise Jewish Man
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had
been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there
he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for
an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I
pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all
our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love
their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a forkin' brick wall."
Keep Smiling :) :) :)
Jackie Mac
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:D :D Very piquant.
I only have one prayer;
Lord, protect us from zealots, all zealots.
Lord, protect us from religious zealots, political zealots, motorcycling zealots, politically correct zealots,
Lord, protect us from zealots, all types of zealots. ;)
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Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Pauly.'**
**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Pauly.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
Brief Pause.
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**
**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Pauly?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'*
**No, I think you have the wrong number........*
-
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
'That must've been scary', said the teacher '
It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.. And before he could say ' fork' , the Rottweiler ate him!
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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The Missouri Sheriff:
A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff's Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.
The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge! Show him your Badge!" :D ;D
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The crusty old biker:
A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/Thebestevertatoo.jpg)
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/mail.jpg)
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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers,'You see it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own............ so does she.
-
Journey of one Man
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction less.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious, that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now... and I'm looking for a girl with big tits.
-
I'm not the only one that does'nt understand the wife.
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Last Night i just missed out on a threesome !
i was short by 2 Sheila's
-
Yeah Hoony, I know what it's like ! I have sex almost every night.....almost on Monday , almost on Tuesday .....................
Roger
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(http://i300.photobucket.com/albums/nn38/mainline_bucket/piglet.jpg)
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A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Brisbane immigration offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in Australia with your wife and five children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on Cheveron Island with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be like the Aussies with Australian clothes instead of manjams, and an Acubra instead of this turban.
And I want to have white skin like the Aussies.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a tired old flanalette shirt and a sweat stained Acubra. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to f*** all!!!!' And she disappeared!
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
-
it was once said that a black man would become president of the united states,"when pigs flew"
lo & behold, a 100 days into the obarma presidency
swine flu ::)
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Never lie to your mother!!
Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates.'
About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?'
'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.
So he sat down and wrote...
DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PETER
Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read
DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM xxx
Lesson of the day,
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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Riders brief from across the waters ;) ;D
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bread money
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hmmmm
-
hmmmmm 2
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hmmm 3
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Global economy cutbacks have taken place at telstra....
(http://i287.photobucket.com/albums/ll133/mxmaniac05/cardboardoffice.jpg)
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Tough times ahead
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned Australia that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Australia 's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Telstra customer service reps, dole office workers and Queensland doctors.
It's getting ugly, folks!
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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"I'm not dwunk offisher, but I will be if you want me to be". ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_da_duvam_ili_vucem.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view¤t=da_duvam_ili_vucem.flv)
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I know, I tried to ring the swine flu hotline but all I could get was crackling ::)
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Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts
of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of
pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets worse........
next year......
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong? :o
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???The pigs are not getting away with this,
2009 is the year of the Ox ;D ;D ;D ;D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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Wish Wish!!
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A pie n’ sauce, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A pie n’ sauce, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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A family is driving behind a garbage truck ,when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
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What a way to finish a Friday. Very funny!!!
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick
Willy up from school and go home.
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Ear Infection
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.
The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear."
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it."
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.
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Eye test!
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>> A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
>> although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
>> party with his old buddies .
>>
>> So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
>> 'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
>> 'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
> The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
>>
>> She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
>> kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,
>> Japan , India ,etc.
>> The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
>> think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
>> know...they have frozen glasses...'
>> He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
>> him by saying,
>> 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
>>
>> She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
>> getting chills just holding it.
>> The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
>> Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
>> won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
>> You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took
>> out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
>> blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
>> 'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know....there's swearing,
>> dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your
>> Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are
Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?' ;D
>> .........and, they lived happily ever after. ;D
>> Now, isn't that a sweet story? ;D
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Good one!
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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Irish maths test*
> >
> > Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
> > little
> > maths test.
> > Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
> > represent the number 9."
> > "Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dats easy." And proceeds to draw three
> > trees.
> >
> >
> > "What's this?" the boss asks.
> > "Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
> >
> >
> > "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
> > rules, but this time the number is 99."
> > Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
> > has
> > just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "Ere ye go."
> >
> >
> > The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
> > represent 99?"
> > "Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
> > plus
> > dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
> >
> >
> > The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
> > Paddy,
> > so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent
> > the
> > number 100."
> > Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
> > and
> > makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One
> > hundred."
> >
> >
> > The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
> > represents a hundred!"
> > Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and
> > whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
> > So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
> > tree
> > and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!" ;D ;D ;D
> >
> >
> > Paddy is the new supervisor.
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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a man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force
the seargent doing the interview says,"your qualifications all look good
but there is a attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted"
then sliding a pistol across the desk ,he says,"take this pistol, go out & shoot 6 illegal immigrants,
6 drug dealers,6 muslim extremists,& a rabbit"
"why the rabbit"?
"great attitude" says the seargent,"when can you start"
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(http://i582.photobucket.com/albums/ss270/ted84photos/th_cameltoe.jpg) (http://s582.photobucket.com/albums/ss270/ted84photos/?action=view¤t=cameltoe.flv)
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Good EBAY AD (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/200SX-S13-TRAMP-DRIFT-RACE-TRACK-DAY-JAP-TURBO-PROJECT_W0QQitemZ110389739098QQcmdZViewItemQQptZAutomobiles_UK?hash=item110389739098&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=72%3A1683%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A1%7C240%3A1318%7C301%3A1%7C293%3A1%7C294%3A50) ;D
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An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.
On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"
Not all Seniors Are Senile ;D
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'
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A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up and down & nipples sticking out in the cold. His colleagues have kicked his f!@#ng head in!
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The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, th e Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/roll-1.gif)
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:D :D :D :D ;D :D :D
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The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, th e Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Being half Irish and Blonde, DJ better stay away from the kitchen.
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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for ?
Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.' ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I have DECIDED that this is My favourite OZ VMX FORUM SECTION :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D endless laughter, and "no bad hair day" forum user's
Ditto :D ;D :D ;D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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New Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn
BBQ RULES
It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
8 THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
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Franks new tee ;D ;D ;D
keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange................ Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue.
It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!' ;D ;D ;D ;D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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Two gay guys living together in a house
The hous catches fire and the to guys run to escape the flames.
The question is.
Which gay guy escapes the fore first? Is it the one who takes it or the one who gives it?
Correct, its the one who takes it cos he's always got his shit packed and is ready to go.
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What do you never say in a gay bar?..................................could someone push my stool in
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Testicle Therapy
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
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Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A. Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q. What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A. They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q. Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A. Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
Q. Why'd the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A. She kept throwing out all the W's.
Q. How do blond brain cells die?
A. Alone.
Q. Five blondes are facing execution, a rocket scientist, a historian, a bimbo, and a mathematician. They are each hit with one bullet but, only one bleeds, which one?
A. The bimbo, you have to be real to bleed.
Q. How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A. Wave
Q. What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A. They both have black roots.
Q. What does a blonde owl say?
A. What, what?
Q. Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A. They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q. What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A. A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A. They both drip when they're forked.
Q. How would a blond punctuate the following?. "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Q. Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A. It swells at night.
Q. A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A. The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q. How do you get 4 Gay blokes on a chair.
A. Turn it upside down
Q. How do you know when its bedtime at Michael Jacksons House
A. When the little hand touches the big hand
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Geez ..........there is some sick jokes out there ;) :D ;D :D
cheers
Thank f,,,, I'm not a blond or a redhead ;D
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How can you tell if your sister has slept with an elephant?
When she sits on a bar stool and slides down. ??? ;D :D ;D :D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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WHAT DO YOU CALL4 BLONDES IN A ROW? A WIND TUNNEL
WHAT DO BLONDES USE FOR PROTECTION DURING SEX ? A CAR
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a blonde walks into a bar
theres a guy sitting there watching the news on the big screen
it's breaking news!,theres a "jumper"
$5 says he jumps,said the guy to the blonde
$10 says he dosen't ,said the blonde
the guy jumps!!
bugger says the blonde
guys says nah,can't take your money,saw it on ealier news break!
blonde says,so did i!!,but i didn't think he'd jump twice!!
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Geez ..........there is some sick jokes out there ;) :D ;D :D
cheers
Thank f,,,, I'm not a blond or a redhead ;D
I second that ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Keep Smling :)
Jackie Mac
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_vid-o_drole_new.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view¤t=vid-o_drole_new.flv)
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Q: What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
A: Roberto.
Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"
"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"
"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."
Q: What has an old lady got between her breasts that a young one doesn't?
A: Her belly button.
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For real or photoshopped? ;D
I think the woman in front thinks it's a 'Minties' moment.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/13162745.jpg)
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Abloke walks into a bar and orders a beer and sculls it down ,then orders another and down again. the barman notices this and says whats up? the bloke says i ahve just had my first headjob~. the barman says here a scotch is better than a beer.the bloke says good ,will tthat get the taste out?
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AN asian woman goes into her local NAB branch & begins exchanging her money
after the transaction is complete,she asks the teller,"Why it change?,yesterday i get two hunat dolla
for my money,today i only get one hunat eighty?
the teller looks over his glasses,& says very slowly,"fluctuations"
the asian women narrows her eyes & says,"fluck you aussies too!!"
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Thanks MX250 ,that was a nice/different change ;D
Things companies do for kicks :o
cheers
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Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?
Mum said . YOU should say "no" - they only want to look at your knickers
Susie said I know they do "that's why I hide them in my bag"!!
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Welcome to parenthood!!!! ;) ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_WHYWASTEATANTRUMIFNOONECANSEEYOU.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view¤t=WHYWASTEATANTRUMIFNOONECANSEEYOU.flv)
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(http://[url=http://[URL=http://s146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/?action-view¤t=Australian_tourist_promo__2.flv][IMG]http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/th_Australian_tourist_promo__2.jpg)](http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/th_Australian_tourist_promo__2.jpg) (http://s146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/?action=view¤t=Australian_tourist_promo__2.flv)[/url][/img]
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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstratedthat if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, ;D ;D ;D
Than to drink water and be full of shit. :D ;D :D
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service! ;)
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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Lawrence Livermore Laborities have made a startling discovery ,a new element,"Governmentium"
the new element governmentium (Gv)has one neutron,25 assistant neutrons,88 deputy assistant neutrons,& 198 deputy assistant neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312
these 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,which are surrounded by lepton- like particles called peons
since governmentium has no electrons,it is inert,however,it can be detected
since it impedes every reaction in which it comes into contact.
a tiny amount of governmentium can cause a reaction that normally would take less than a few seconds,but will take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
governmentium has a normal half life of 2-6 years,it does not decay,but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a proportion of the assistant neutrons & deputy neutrons exchange places.
in fact,Governmentiums mass will actually over time increase,since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons,forming isodopes.
this characteristic of moron promotions leads some scientists to believe that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
this hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass,but not hyporthetical is the location of governmentium,deposits found in every state capital,& a mother lode in Canberra
when catalyzed with money,governmentium becomes administratium,an element that radiates just as much energy as governmentium since it has half as many peons,but twice as many morons.
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How the heck did you add a new topic/heading to the funnies/jokes section ???
subject, new discovery, the heaviest element known to science
I seriously have to give up red wine 8)
cheers
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ooops ???(easy burbon,not merlo)
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http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing.aspx?id=223309871
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Good laugh, by the way dont type in worlds biggest zit on youtube like the seller suggests :D
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A man walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar, turns to the astonished patrons....
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth & I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval....
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, & placed his manhood and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth. The crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer...
'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.........
'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!' ;D
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Mate of mine wanted to train as a Dentist but he was too short so he trained as a Gynocoligist ;D
The up side is he can change light bulbs in his hallway through the letter box :)
-
Bloke kills a Dear brings it home and cooks it , kids ask dad whats this ? dad gives a clue "its what Mum calls me sometimes "
Kid Crys ! "dont eat it its a forking arsehole "
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
-
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell them.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of the ute.
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The lesbians next door to me, gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me, when I said I wanna watch.
-
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the
instructor declare "it is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can each of you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tony reached over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered "Self-raising, isn't it?"
Thus began Tony's life of celibacy. ;D
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Reasons to Allow Drinking at Work
Try these out on your boss ;) ;D
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even
be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten
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DUMB BLONDE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEP7uti0PDw)
-
There are seven types of sex........
The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... 'F... You.'
The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And . Last ... But not least ....
The 7th kind of sex is called .... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.
PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
I have enough problems of my own !!! ;D
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AUSTRALIA'S MEDICARE
A couple in their seventies went to a s*x therapist's office in Melbourne. The doctor asked, 'What can I do for you?' The old man said, 'Will you watch us have s*x?' The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said, 'There's nothing wrong with the way you have s*x,' and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have s*x with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, 'Just exactly what are you trying to find out?'
The old man said, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $170. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Is Australia great or what?' ;) ;D
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Being made almost entirely of plastic, Micheal Jackson's will states that his body is to be melted down into a play-station so as some child can still play with him......
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Being made almost entirely of plastic, Micheal Jackson's will states that his body is to be melted down into a play-station so as some child can still play with him......
Gee Ross, you are as fast off the line as a 414 ;D
.....and Wikipedia :P.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Jackson
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Yes Graeme. It's the quick and the............er dead. :-\
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McDonalds have released a commemorative burger – The McJackson
A 50 yr old piece of aged albino meat between two 8 yr old buns……..
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(http://i300.photobucket.com/albums/nn38/mainline_bucket/doglook.jpg)
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the latest on michael jackson he did not die from a heart attack- food poisoning was the cause. something to do with chewing on 12 yr old nuts!
-
He has to stay at the morge until next Thursday.
Wait for it.........
That's plastic recycling day! ;D :o
-
Racing Victoria will ask all jockey's to wear black armband's tomorrow in memory of michael jackson;as he rode more 3 yr olds than all of them put together :D
-
When Farrah Fawcett arrived in heaven god granted her 1 wish.She wished for all the children to be safe.SO GOD killed Michael jackson ;)
-
Graeme you missed rodeo sex- giving it to your missus doggie style,then telling her ,her sister was better and trying to hang on!
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Apparantly they have crossed michael Jacksons DNA with Arnold Shwartzenegers and made a Michael wasanigger
-
When the ambos arrived Michael Jackson was blowing Bubbles ,
the Monkey is in a stable condition
-
Michael Jackson didn't die of a heart attack :o
He had a stroke in the childrens ward
-
We need jokes like this to keep things in proportion. The media is in a frenzy - they are competing to come up with superlatives. May he rest in peace but Whacko Jacko sums it up.
-
Got the first Jacko text at 9.30am ;D
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ebay's gonna make another killin ::)
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Michael jackson on his death bed requested that his ashes be packaged into a box of rice bubbles; so he can have the feeling of going through a 10 year old's ars one more time! :D :D
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle...
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . ... .
Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
;D ;D :D ;D
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/nswrl.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/nswrl2.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/nswrl3.jpg) :( >:( :-[ :-\ :'(
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A whale's revenge on the Japs????
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_Kayak.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view¤t=Kayak.flv)
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This is a pissa ;) ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_VotedBestBeerCommercialoftheYear.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view¤t=VotedBestBeerCommercialoftheYear.flv)
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I dare you to pull this practical joke on ya wife.....
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_DareIfUCanDoThisToYourWife-1.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view¤t=DareIfUCanDoThisToYourWife-1.flv)
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRZw-UOIGyI&feature=player_embedded ;D
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IJBbtkBMMs
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Summer Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTRE
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, July 31st 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM
Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
:D ;D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D ;D :D ;D ;D :D ;D
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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jackiemac-----
Class 14---------- no survivor's
but hey who's judge 'n ;D ;) :D
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/beatdeadhorse.gif)Must be a 'girl thing', ::) :P ;) ;D
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/beatdeadhorse.gif)Must be a 'girl thing', ::) :P ;) ;D
Now that MX250 is a waste of good meat----put the cow in the freezer---go country ;D
-
Talk about the bleating obvious. You would wonder why some people would waste the time and paper ::) ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/goodwife.jpg)
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Y0I91rubg
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmuqq729DPM&feature=related
-
Jackie, above course is not required as i am married and it is part of her job description ie wife -washing,ironing,food entertainment.
-
I am going to watch my wedding video later in reverse.
I love the part where she takes her ring off, walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and forks off.
-
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
:D ;D :D
THERE'S MORE.............
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET................
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
the end :D :D
-
Zen Teachings
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.
13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
-
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ... I'm married to his freakin' widow."
-
Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked. :o ::) ;D
-
Middle aged women shouldn't.............
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_VideoClips-MiddleAgedWomenShouldSta.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view¤t=VideoClips-MiddleAgedWomenShouldSta.flv)
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Condom Factory burns down in Australia!
Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
“Kevin, it’s the health Minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!!! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Sydney has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week!”
PM: “sh*t!!! - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!!”
Health Minister: “We're going to have to ship some in from....Britain?”
PM: “No chance!! The Poms will have a field day on this one!!”
Health Minister: “What about South Africa ?”
PM: “I'll call SA - tell them we need ten million condoms; ten inches long and eight inches thick!! That way they'll continue to respect the wallabies!”
Three days later a delighted Kevin rushes out to open the boxes.
He finds ten million condoms, 10 inches long, 8 inches thick, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one...
MADE IN South Africa
- SIZE: Small
-
Do you think this would make the mother-in-law less likely or more likely to visit? ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_motherinlawwelcome.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view¤t=motherinlawwelcome.flv)
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An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a
beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika
our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one
twice," he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull
mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't
need to drink out the same glass either," he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,throws
His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and
the Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so
many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_TrojanAd.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view¤t=TrojanAd.flv)
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/gview.png)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/gview2.png)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/gview3.png)
What were you thinking? ;D
-
Today's lesson
Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the
school playground and go into the woods.Curious,
he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could
hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was
at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then
he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny,
this is such an interesting story, lets save the
rest of it for supper time..I want to see the
look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked
little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started
his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I
went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a
big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill
used to do when Daddy was away on the oil
rigs...'
Mummy fainted!
Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt! :D :D :D ;D ;D ;D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
-
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
-
Dave and his buddies were discussing an upcoming week end away of VMX racing and camping.
Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
calling, Dave headed home, frustrated.
The following day when Dave's buddies arrived at the track to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Dave... He was already sitting at the
campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, bike unpacked and ready to race, and
a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Last night when I left our meeting, I
went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.
Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
'Surprise'."
"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me
to the bed and you can do whatever you want!'
"Sooooo, HERE I AM!!" ;D
-
This may or may not have been done yet and I don't want to look through 30 odd pages to find out so here we go.
It is a one word answere.
Q - What is - more evil than the devil
- holier than God
- the rich have it
- the poor want it
- and if you eat it you will die?
Someone has surely heard it.
-
Correction.
The Poor have it &
The Rich want it
Lucky I showed the Leader of the Opposition.
-
whats the answer Curly3 ??????????????????
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
-
I'll leave it out there a bit longer just to keep everyone in suspenders.
-
Just love this - saw it on Facebook
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end
-
The local hairdresser broke her leg the other day. She can only cut hair on crutches now.
Cheers,
K
-
I remember that fairlytale Rossco , I lived that one for many years (minus the golf)
-
I remember that fairlytale Rossco , I lived that one for many years (minus the golf)
Like all good fairy tales, it comes to an end :'( :D
-
www.brainsweb.co.uk/uploads/the-wrong-bike.wmv
-
The answer Curly3 is NOTHING
and wouldn't it be
The rich want FOR it? As they want for nothing
-
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now.... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. ???
"Now. Tell him you have a headache." ::)
;D :D ;D ;D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
-
Good one Viper666.
-
Good one Jackie ;D ;D ;D ;D.
Why dogs are more desirable than children............
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/dogcouch.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/kidspaint.jpg)
.....you can always shot the dog ;) ;D.
(I hope that was acrylic paint ::))
-
All very funny unless your name is Ainsley Harriott :-[.
(A real life Irish blooper I'm lead to believe ::))
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/fork.jpg)
-
3 women, an Aussie a Kiwi and an Aboriginal give birth at the same time in hospital and the midwives forget to put name tags on each of the newborns amidst all the confusion.
The doctors come in and tell the women who are devasted but must make a descision who takes what baby home. They give the Aussie first choice and as she ponders over the babies she look to the little aboriginal baby and says I'll take home this beautiful little aboriginal baby,.
The doctors are confused and say but you have a choice of two white babies, why would you pick the beautiful little aboriginal baby, to which she replies, no way am I gonna risk raising a Kiwi :o :D
-
Whats GAY stands for?
Got Aids Yet
-
This is so bad, it's GOOD...... read on.
Bloody hell. Aborigines in Darwin have pooled all their $900 stimulus payments from Kevin Rudd, formed a corporate and are buying up heaps of land in Thailand. Apparantly they're all going to move there and become Thai-coons!
Cheers,
K
-
Q- What does AIDS stand For?
A- Anally Injected Death Sentence.
-
How does a homosexual fake an orgasm?
He spits on his mates back.
-
What was Michael Jackson's favourite TV show.
Cum on Kids.
Sick, I know.
-
michael jackson actaully died from a hairball.....he got it from blowin bubbles............................................new mcdonalds burger,tribute to michael jackson the mc jacko 50 year old meat between 10 year old buns................he also had an album called bad,the only reason he called it bad was he couldnt spell pathetic.
-
Doctors Never Laugh
...the Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Jerry said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his
feet and regain his composure.
'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Jerry replied. ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
I wonder if there are any Jerry's amongst us?
-
Not so fun but rather 'feel good' ;) :).
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/th_SWA.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/?action=view¤t=SWA.flv)
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A Tale of Two Brains...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-iK8KmqNsg
-
Love the Doctors never laugh joke MX250 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D keep them coming :D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
-
> > At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger
>
> > congregation that will pay him more.
> >
> > There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because
>
> > he is so popular.
> > Ian Follings, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago,
> > stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a
> > new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
> > their children!'
> > The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
> > Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If
> > the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
> > establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of
> > his children!'
> > More sighs and loud applause.
> > Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar
> > stays, I will give him sex.'
> > There is total silence.
> > The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy
>
> > lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'
> > Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
> > forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
>
> > while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
> > and he said, 'fork him'. :D ;D :D ;D :D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
-
A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.
'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my
ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'
The manager says,'Ok, there's a ...303 Rifle behind the seat. Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove
him.'
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from
the bull-bar. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
'What's the problem?' raged the Manager.
'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
-
Who is your real friend?
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002111.jpg)
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/th_GETOUTOFMYCAR-1.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/?action=view¤t=GETOUTOFMYCAR-1.flv)
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/th_TatooRemover.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/?action=view¤t=TatooRemover.flv)
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/catdog.jpg)
-
note the 1900 telephone number. ;D ka..ching!!!
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_TrojanAd.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view¤t=TrojanAd.flv)
-
THREE THINGS A KIWI WILL TELL YA!
I tried out for the "All Blacks".
My mother was a Maori Princess.
No, I was only helping it through the fence.
-
?
?
The love story of Ralph and Edna...
?
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.? Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.? One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.? Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.?
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.? She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.? When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.? The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.? I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.? I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
?
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.? How soon can I go home?' :D ;D :D ;D :D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
-
A young boy comes down for breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks
If he has done his chores.
'Not yet,' said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he
Does his chores.
Well, he's a little ticked off, so when he
Feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.
When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his
Mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
'How come I don't get any eggs and
Bacon, and why don't I have any milk in
My cereal?' he asks.
'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a
Chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a
Week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't
Get any bacon for a week either. I saw you
Kick the cow so for a week you aren't
Getting any milk.'
Just then, his father comes down for
Breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across
The kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a
Smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or
Should I?'
Keeo Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
-
Here's a "TASTY" RG500.... ;D
http://cgi.ebay.com.au/LUCKY-STRIKE-RG500-1985_W0QQitemZ260466961188QQcmdZViewItemQQptZAU_Motorcycles?hash=item3ca50a6b24&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14
-
Does that mean it's already been digested once ?
-
It's a dogs life, woof ;) :D ;D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_GravityBackScratcher2.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view¤t=GravityBackScratcher2.flv)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_gooddog.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view¤t=gooddog.flv)
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(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1WaO1OGuwzI/SpYjZJ5E9kI/AAAAAAAALVY/NHoHBTxiME8/s1600/spacer.gif)
-
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent..... ....... ....... 12 Calories
Without her consent..... ......... ...... 387 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands....... ....... ...... 8 Calories
With one hand........ ......... ......... 22 Calories
With your teeth....... ......... ........ 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection.... ....... ....... ... 6 Calories
Without an erection.... ......... ....... 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris.... ....... . 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot...... ........ 192 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary.. ......... ......... ....... . 112 Calories
69 lying down........ ......... ......... . 178 Calories
69 standing up.......... ......... ...... 312 Calories
Wheelbarrow. ........ ........ ......... 386 Calories
Doggy Style....... ......... ........ .... 400 Calories
Italian chandelier.. ........ ......... . 972 Calories
ORGASM
Real........ ........ ........ ......... 112 Calories
Fake........ ......... ......... ........ 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging..... ........ ..... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately. ......... ....... 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately. .....816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years old......... ......... ...... 36 Calories
30-39 years....... ........ ....... .... 80 Calories
40-49 years....... ......... ......... ... 124 Calories
50-59 years....... ......... ......... .... 972 Calories
60-69 years....... ......... ......... .... 2916 Calories
70 and over........ ....... ......... .. Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly...... ......... ......... ......... 32 Calories
In a hurry....... ......... ......... .... 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
-
Apple does it again..
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast
implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have
always complained about men staring at their breasts and not
listening to them.
-
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood
Pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably,
The husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
-
Apple does it again..
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast
implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have
always complained about men staring at their breasts and not
listening to them.
an old one-but now I realize why some men are half deaf ;) ;D
-
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered...transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father...
Fellas... just the men here... you know how we squeeze the car between the kerb and the stationary truck in front - without touching either?
You know how we sit (frustrated) behind the woman in front who won't move forward despite having a good half metre either side between truck and kerb?
Well, that's one of the differences between the two sexes. Or three sexes if we include the South African runner...
Anyway, my point is that we men are fully aware a watermelon won't fit through the garden hose... so we don't even try it.
Women on the other hand... ::)
-
Yes Wombat, its a crazy world we score the watermelon and you score the world of dirt bikes ;) ::) ;D I know who got the best deal ;D
cheers
-
ok while we're on this subject ;)
a notable gynecologist stated
The best engine in the world is the vagina
It can be started with one finger
It's self lubricating
It takes any size piston
And it changes it's oil every 4 weeks
It's only a pity that the EPU is so f***ing tempermental
-
ok while we're on this subject ;)
a notable gynecologist stated
The best engine in the world is the vagina
It can be started with one finger
It's self lubricating
It takes any size piston
And it changes it's oil every 4 weeks
It's only a pity that the EPU is so f***ing tempermental
some models should have never been made ;) :D
cheers
-
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot..
-
Want an argument do ya?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y
-
http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f128/annaandnathan/15f3cl2.jpg
-
Want an argument do ya?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y
it's a fair cop!!
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image001-1.jpg) ;D
-
;D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D
-
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a Draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man.
'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied To the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all Night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, Sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'
'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender.
'Was she pretty?'
'Dunno...Never found the head!'
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
-
You're a sick puppy Jackie ::) ;D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002.jpg)
-
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if; they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: In dark sunglasses he darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: Repeated his June 15th condom trick with a new twist; he added Depends and a personal lubricant to everyone’s carts.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image003.jpg) ;) ;D
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image004.jpg)
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image005.jpg)
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image006.jpg) ;D
-
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”
-
an eskimos holidaying in new zealand, his car brakes down so the kiwi looks under the bonnet and say" bro ya blown a seal" the eskimo says so what mate you f@#k sheep
-
How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Cut a hole in the Ice and put peas around it.
When he comes up for a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
You should be on the stage Graeme?
-
You blokes want a joke I went to the dentist on friday I'm sitting in his chair with that this is gunner hurt feeling :'( he has a look say's something about root canal and $2500 lucky I was sitting down anyways how much to pull it out then he said I'll have to take two out $340 so okay I count the cash in the wallet I've got $360 on me and I'm in pain go ahead. He digs in takes a hour and half streaches my mouth that much that he splits my lip in the corner digs around has great difficulty in pulling the basteds out cuts them in half to have a better go at it. He gets there in the end then has to go back and stich the big hole he's made & says I should charge you $708 bucks for the time it took :o ::) :-\ jimson
-
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only Bultaco rider in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and flirting...
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said:
'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'
-
http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/?action=view¤t=cinderblocks.jpg
Oh dear, someone is having a bad day.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/cinderblocks.jpg)
-
reminds me of truckie's 2way radio conversation on the Nullabor. ;D
cheers
-
reminds me of truckie's 2way radio conversation on the Nullabor. ;D
cheers
The content or the choice of words? :o
-
reminds me of truckie's 2way radio conversation on the Nullabor. ;D
cheers
The content or the choice of words? :o
both kinda 8) they where discussing the gas/air styles of the driver seats in trucks. :-\....Well it is a long drive and these things are important ;D
cheers
-
When they miniaturize it it will be a great innovation for your pacemaker.
http://vodpod.com/watch/1257043-lewrockwell-com-blog
-
I have felt that way in the past!
Mike
-
Has a certain VMX flavour ::)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image007.jpg)
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There were probably many, many times over the last year or so
when I MAY have disturbed you, troubled you,
pestered you, irritated you, bugged you, or got
on your nerves with posts here that I think are funny.
Some think this is inappropriate for a VMX orientated forum :P.
So today I just wanted to tell you.........
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002-1.jpg)
Tough Titties, Cupcake!
There are NO changes planned!
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image009.jpg)
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You should be on the stage Graeme.
The first one out of town.
You're on fire.
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I just noticed that he started this thread.
Say no more.
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I just noticed that he started this thread.
Say no more.
MX250's just trying to get the holshot on DJ's thread pages ;) ;D
Bring it on MX250 8)
http://ozvmx.com/community/index.php?topic=971.0
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I just noticed that he started this thread.
Say no more.
MX250's just trying to get the holshot on DJ's thread pages ;) ;D
Bring it on MX250 8)
http://ozvmx.com/community/index.php?topic=971.0
Holeshot :o. DJ has pulled the holeshot and bolted :-[. This is more like the Paris to Dakar ;D.
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.....especially for Hornet and Allison ;) :D ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image008.jpg)
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He's in for the long haul.
This is survivor funnies.
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.....especially for Hornet and Allison ;) :D ;D
Any more of the above cleaning pics and there will be extra pages of abuse and your Paris to Dakar win will be locked up. ;) :D ;D ..(geez ya lucky its a joke page) ;) :D
did I just bite :-X
Isn't it time MX250 to walk your Husky Montessa ;D
cheers
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I hate Cats, but I'd adopt that "TOM".
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(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/jerry.gif)
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an 70 year old cowboy sat down & ordered a cup of coffee at his local starbucks
as he sat sipping his coffee a young woman sat down next to him.
she turned to the cowboy & asked " are you a real cowboy?"
he replied," well, i've spent my whole life breaking colts,working cattle,going to redeos,fixing fences,pulling calves,baling hay,doctoring calves,cleaning my barn,fixing flats ,working on tractors,and feeding my dogs,so i guess i'm a cowboy"
she said,'i'm a lesbian!,i spend all day thinking about naked women,as soon as i get up in the morning i think about naked women,when i shower i think about naked women,when i watch tv i think about naked women,It seems everything makes me think about naked women"
the two sat sipping in silence
a little while later,a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,"are you a real cowboy"
He replied,"i always thought i was!,but today i just found out,i'm a lesbian!!
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:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;
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John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers
(hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept
records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an
efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning
he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he
saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement,
old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the
judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded
him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet
by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they
weren't paying attention.
;D
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Thats brilliant ;D :D, keep them coming:D ;D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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3 aboriginals are sitting at the local shops in Meekatharra
The first bloke says to his mate “Hey Jeffry wat land ya gonna buy with your money from da government?”
Jeffrey says “ I’m gonna buy Arnom land, dat’s good land up der bloke”
Then Jeffry says to Lewis “ Hey Lewis, what land you gonna buy?”
Lewis says “ I’m gonna buy Gibson land…. Nice place round dere Eh?
Then Lewis says to Neville “Ai! Neville wat land you gonna buy there bloke?”
Neville replys “ I’m gonna buy LIQUOR LAND” :D ;D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive
woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and
said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
Decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for
a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to
return this to the woman.
It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account... But, not even for a woman as beautiful as
you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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good on jackiemc....:D :D :D :D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Teach her to be a greedy woman :D
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This may be a repost, but:
When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me,
"YOU'RE NEXT".
They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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This is a true story, it happened to me at CD5 ;) :D,
I checked into my hotel and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such.
I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Amber, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... Well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'
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And people wonder why Classic Dirt has to move to a new location each year… ???
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AND... did you'r invite turn up ;D
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AND... did you'r invite turn up ;D
Yeah, both of them ;) ;D
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In his life a man has three dolls,
His daughter, the ever so sweet, cute, Baby Doll,
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/ATT3.gif)
The one he lust after and dreams of, Barbie Doll,
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/ATT4.gif)
And then of course is his wife,
Panadol
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/ATT5.gif)
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apparently there is only 2 ways to understand Sheila's
No bloke knows either of them.....
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Beware of older men - they only get wiser! ;)
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?
'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young I had a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.' :-* ;D
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Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. "On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them."
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here, try these on.."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'
Mike did and said, "'I can't get into your panties.'"
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
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This is an Incredible story!
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same f*****g elephant.
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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard" replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. ;D
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The very best of the very politically INcorrect, Rodney Rude.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/whistling.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/whistling.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/whistling.gif)
Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they fork off and its a really nice day.
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A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
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My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big forking big red mark on her forehead.
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I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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Zebu, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's forking hilarious....
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I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton.
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Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend......'You're so forking lucky...Mine's still alive...'
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'fork off, you won't bring it back.'
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2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
‘Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My wife's an epileptic'
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A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you c*nt!'
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/611.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/611.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/611.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/611.gif)
Nominate ya favourite ;D.
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I'm with the clouds :D see you later ;D
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Nagging so & so's no offence intended ladies
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get
a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have
you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the> stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided
to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
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People this is a fantastic thread.
I reckon its fabo that all the posters on here take the time to put up funnies.
Unfortunately very few readers of the post leave feedback.
Up until today I'd viewed this topic twice,each time I felt guilty for not leaving comments.
Thanks everyone who'd posted on here for relieving us of everyday lifes blues.
Had so many laughs with all the posts, don't stop now please guys.
And............... people leave feedback!
Thankyou to all the posters who deliver the funnies.
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Husk 72...This has never been a place comment too much----- just read and laugh, ;D
I reckon that's whats good about it, :-*
or it could/would get ugly with political/sexual disagreements ;) 8)
laughter is the best medicine ENJOY ;D
cheers
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Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said he was still there.
;) ;D
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Dont know if this ones been on but...
A large woman comes home and says to her husband "I want $15,000" he says " what for"?
"I want a breast enlargement operation and it cost $15,000"
"You dont need to have an operation just rub toilet paper between your breasts"
"Do you think that will work?
"Well it did for your arse!"
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(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/allmine.jpg)
Little wonder I feel manipulated all the time :D.
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No Joke -Just in case you think you are having a hard time.
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/wetbunker.jpg)
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Love Making Tips For Seniors
1. Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice...
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And
make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one;
I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes And you're barefoot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of
your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need
to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use
the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?
Isn't it reassuring to know that you ain't old yet ;) ;D.
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Bundy rum true fish story # 4
finally got around to go fishing the other day,but after a while i ran out of bait!
then i spotted a king brown with a frog in it's mouth,and frogs are good bait for bass
knowing the snake couldn't bite me with a frog in it's mouth,i grabbed the snake behind it's head
and got the frog & put it in the bait bucket
dilemma now was to release the snake without getting bit
grabbed the bundy rum & poured some down it's throat
it's eyes rolled back,& it went limp,i released it onto the bank without incident,
& carried on fishing with the frog as bait
a little later i felt a nudge at my foot
it was the same snake, now with 2 frogs in it's mouth
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The deaf book-keeper
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/rotflmaoHORSE.gif)
I always say "never trust a lawyer ;D.
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The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way....Who's your Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms. (I can't vouch for this ::) MX)
Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am
unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but
I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at
360 East Bolton Avenue
where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do
remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my
stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW
service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.
7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....
well, I don't have clue.
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom.
9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and
watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56
Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.
10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can't be sure which one made you fart.
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Lots of wit, wisdom and humour here ;) :D.
The 35 Rules of Life
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
1 4. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
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Little Johnny was in Sunday School, and little Suzy was asleep at her desk.
The teacher asks "Suzi, who created the Universe?" Johnny pokes Suzy with a pencil and Suzy shouts "God Almighty!!"
In about an hour, same scenario, Suzy resting peacefully, the teacher says "Suzy, who is our Lord and Saviour?" Johnny pokes Suzy again and Suzy yells "Jesus Christ!!!"
Later, Suzy's asleep again, the Teacher asks "Suzy, what did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd child?" Johnny pokes Suzy again and she yells "If you stick that f#@$ing thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your a$$!!!!"
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/pic10487.jpg)
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Brush up on your English lads... ;D
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
Meaning: A woman rejected in love can be very angry and dangerous.
Hell (noun): (according to various religions) a place of suffering where bad people go after death.
Hath (verb): [old English] has.
Fury (noun): violent anger; (Fury) in Greek mythology a female spirit of punishment |
Scorn (verb): to reject contemptuously
Origin: This saying is based on lines from The Mourning Bride by William Congreve (1670-1729):
-
My best mate ran off with my missus.
Gee I miss him.
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Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
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Speaking of Christmas, as it's almost that time, it has been brought to my attention by a good friend of mine that some of his new employees are being very difficult to buy for.
I mean it's common sense for us to get the lads a bottle of scotch or a ham for xmas, so just 'cáuse they're from some place in the desert, they shouldn't turn up their noses-should they??
Merry Christmas to all.
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Speaking of Christmas, as it's almost that time, it has been brought to my attention by a good friend of mine that some of his new employees are being very difficult to buy for.
I mean it's common sense for us to get the lads a bottle of scotch or a ham for xmas, so just 'cáuse they're from some place in the desert, they shouldn't turn up their noses-should they??
Merry Christmas to all.
Well Camel steaks can be tasty,get em one of those ;D
after all only real man smoke CAMEL
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Good doggie.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a big dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 350 men walking in a single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this, Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men."Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, .................... "Get in line."
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Germans...........
.........strange what excites them.
http://www.gamaniak.com/video-3029-fulda-pneus-orgasmiques.html
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and they weren't even knobblies ...
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and they weren't even knobblies ...
I suppose if they were you would have gotten even more excited ;D.
Nothing quite getting your full money's worth out of purchase is there ;D.
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One for the Girls -----Something to look forward too, HOT FLUSH'S ;D
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/hotflush.gif)
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/eltigre.jpg)
(Posted for humour value only ;), not moral judgement intended nor implied ::)) ;D.
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The difference between Santa and Tiger Woods, is that Santa stops at three Hos.
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a bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand & orders a shandy
all the kiwis sitting around the bar look up expecting to see another ozzie vistor
the bartender says,"you aint from around here are ya?"
the bloke replies,"no,i'm from Canada"
the bartender says,"Canada!,do you do in Canada?"
the guy says,"i'm a taxidermist"
the bartenders says,"tixidermist!,what the hick is a tixidermist?,do you drive a tixi?"
"no" says the Canadian,"a taxidermist dosen't drive a taxi,he mounts animals!"
the bartender grins & yells out!
"he's ok boys,he's one of us!!"
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/snowman.jpg)
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I went for a ride on the beach today and the bike just stalled. Kept trying to start for about an hour, push start also, but failed. When i got home the air filter was wet with a tad of water in the air box. What now? Do i have to change oil? spark plug? wouild there be huge damage? It is a 2002 YZ426.
::) Not a bike too buy in the future ::) some mothers do have em :-\ ;D
I posted this up cause it reminds me of people who buy a 60k toyota and take it down the beach for its first run and swim ;D
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image0088888888.jpg)
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Life is all about asses.
You're either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Or behaving like one.
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CHEWING GUM!
An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?' The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!' Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE, HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HOLIDAY
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEM EROTIC AND KINKY? EROTIC YOU USE THE FEATHER AND KINKY YOU USE THE WHOLE CHOOK
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It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "Tiger Woods. Can I go now?"
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While watching TV and having the greatest laugh Cheesy with an American commenting on Auzzie Formula Ford's on the east coast,and during a crash he referred to the driver saying he would have sore "DINGO BERRY'S" in the morning. Cheesy
I know small things amuse small minds,but hearing it from an American was whacky Grin
cheers
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Yep heard that too, OK I will have to admit I know not what a "Dingo Berry" is......
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Yep heard that too, OK I will have to admit I know not what a "Dingo Berry" is......
We thought the same... ::) American's have a odd picture of Aussie wild dog testicles ... ;D
We've heard of a Dingos Breakfast ...good scratch,pee and a look around... ;D
cheers
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........yanks usually say " dingle berry's".....nuts,'nads ;D ;D ;D
Roger
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........yanks usually say " dingle berry's".....nuts,'nads ;D ;D ;D
Roger
Thanks Yumastepside-That clears that up...been in the bush too long here ;D
cheers
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002-3.jpg)
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when is an elf not an elf?.....................................................when hes got his head up a fairies dress a gobblin
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oops hes a gobblin
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why do they name cyclones after women?..................................when they first arrive there all wet and wild and when they leave they take the house and car
-
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart :D
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How true.
-
If I had a rooster,and you had a donkey,and your donkey ate my rooster,what would we have?
Two feet of my cock in your ass!
My first funny,hope it ain't being posted on here before.
Happy New Year to ya's all!!
Cheers,Mark.
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(http://i566.photobucket.com/albums/ss106/pirie593/snoopyall.jpg)
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The difference between knowledge & wisdom.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing not to use one in a fruit salad.
Cheers,
K
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Hope i am not repeating this one
A mate of mine went over to India to watch the Cricket when Australia was on tour.
While he was there he thought he might try to hook up with some of the local talent.
He latched on to a very attractive young lady with one of those red dots on her forehead.
Being a very brain dead bugga he decided to find out what was under the red dot and scratched it off.
Surprise surprise he won a new Ford ;D
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Just don't offer them any chicken. They might think you are racist. ???
I'm no racist either, I hate everyone equally.
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STAY FOCUSED FOR 2010
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/stayfocused.jpg)
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2010 REMEMBER YOUR MUM AND TEAM WORK ;D
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/teamwork.jpg)
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2010 REMEMBER YOUR MUM AND TEAM WORK ;D
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/teamwork.jpg)
That looks like a Dad playing Piggy Back with the kids to keep them entertained while Mum is off getting her nails done ;) ;D.
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Daffy Duck, away on a dirty weekend, calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.
The receptionist replies, “Shall I put it on your bill, Sir?”
Daffy responds...
“Don't be thucking thupid, I'd thufficate!!!!” ;D
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CATHOLIC COFFEE
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
slim,
tall,
38D breast,
24" waist,
34" hips.
When she walks into a room people say,
"Oh My God." ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image.jpg) ;D 8) ;D 8) ;D
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FEMALE
> COMPASSION
>
> A man was sitting on a blanket at the
> beach. He had no arms and no legs.
> Three women were walking past
> and felt sorry for the poor man.
>
> The first woman said 'Have you ever had
> a hug?'
> The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked
> on.
>
> The
> second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
> The man said, 'No,' so she
> gave him a kiss and walked on.
>
> The third woman came to him and said,
> 'Have you ever been forked?'
> The man broke into a big smile and said,
> 'No.'
> She said, 'You will be when the tide comes
> in.'
>
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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The Boss was about to start the morning briefing to his management staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, The Boss decided to pose a question to all assembled staff.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
The Production Manager chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
The Foreman said it was 50-50%.
The Floor Supervisor responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, The Boss turned to one of the Workers who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Worker responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Boss was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, management would have me doing it for them."
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Two not so bright guys were sitting on a park bench when one complained how bored he was and how he wished there was something to do. With that the other guy jumped up and ran off to the shops. 10 minutes later he was back with a packet of tampons. The first guy just looked in dismay. " Man this will be great" said the first guy. "I've seen it on telly, with these you can go scuba diving, horse riding, to the gym, play tennis"........
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During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found
that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied
''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had
to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''.
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Thought this was worth sharing
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After almost a year of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, red-bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after almost a year out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some heavy drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild rugged sex, too,'
'Hey! that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for almost a year! I'll definitely be there ... By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.
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Sent to me by a demented swinger ;) ;D
A WOMAN'S POEM:Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a vmx complex,
and loves to send me racing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
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Hey Allison, your pray been answered: what about mine? ;D
-
Mines been answered Graeme, because I don't give a shit.
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00433.jpg) ;D
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A Cow's Tail
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that' :D
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Dogs are smarter than cats ;D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/yammydog.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/galleryimage-0000001572.jpg)
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Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for
a day, teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks..
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky...
Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile
when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird..
Now the world is Weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2010 :
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002-4.jpg) ;D
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002-3.jpg)
I ordered a dvd titled "my favorite 18 holes -by Tiger Woods" thinking it was a golf video! Buyer beware. :-[
;D ;D
-
Choose the colour of your seat wisely.....
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image001-2.jpg) ;D
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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old Lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
QUICKLY, GO AND GET YOUR MOTHER......
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/74649_freebigscreentv.jpg)
::) With friends like this who needs brothers :P ;D
-
Histories ten best uses of the F word...
10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer,
1877
6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the
head!" - JFK,1963
And ... drum roll
The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word ...
"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002-3.jpg)
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, & after checking the paperwork, the clerk admits that there is an error.
"However", the clerk explains, "it will be 24 hours before it can be rectified."
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven & they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven."
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
Tiger: "Sorry mate, you're a day late."
Oh Dear ::) ;D
-
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried forward, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!’
'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
So how did it go? said the old Jewish man.
"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
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[move] ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D [move][move]
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Good one Graeme :)
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DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge.. Show him your BADGE !"
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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ah that's what we are missing in life a badge and a tie :D ;D :D
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[move] ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D [move][move]
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Good one Graeme :)
Yeah, I liked that one; the double entendre. ;) :)
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Awoman went into a petstore to buy her husband a present for his birthday
after looking around she found all the pets were very expensive
she told the assistant she wanted to buy a pet for her husband,but did not want to pay a fortune!
'Well' said the assistant,'I have a very large bullfrog"
'They say it's been trained to give blowjobs'
'BLOW JOBS' the woman replied!
'it hasn't been proven,but we've sold 30 of them this month!
the woman thought,'what a great gag gift'
and what if it's true!
no more blow jobs for her
She bought the frog.
when she explained froggies talent to her husband
he was extremely sceptical,and laughed it off!
the woman went to bed happy,thinking i may never have to
preform this less than rivetting act again,
in the middle of the night she was awakened by the sound of pots & pans flying everwhere,
making hellish banging & crashing sounds
she ran downstairs to the kitchen,where she found her husband & the frog reading cooking books,
"what are you 2 doing at this hour",she asked
the husband replied
'if i can teach this frog to cook.............your'e gone!!"
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Hey Mick, how you going Mate? I am hungry, thirsty and my sack is nearly full again. I don’t suppose by any chance your frog has any bourbon loving sisters?
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geezas mick too much info ;D ;D,travelling ok :P
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geezas mick too much info ;D ;D,travelling ok :P
Geezas Mick, you haven’t been scared enough yet, If that’s all it takes to give you a bad mental picture. Any how back to business, where have you hidden that forking frog Mick?
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Terror alerts
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get The Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly And Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs".
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
Meanwhile...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Sheet, I hope Austrulia will come end rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll Be Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled".
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and
gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both
and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes
both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes
both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The
government requires you to take harmonica lessons
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that
you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to
your listed company.The annual report says the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike,
organise a riot, and block the roads, because
you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but
you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade
your country.You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of
Democracy....
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few
beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive
-
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.
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Kathy Freeman walks into an exclusive golf club in americas deep south.as she walks in the doorman sheepishly says i am sorry but maybe youi are at the wrong club .you should go down the road to another club where they admit people like you its only a 10 min walk .kathy turns around and says do know who i am yes he said well maybe it will take 3minutes then
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A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rudd fans.
Not really knowing what a Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for the infamous, Little Billy, in the front row.
The teacher asked Little Billy why he has decided to be different.
'Because I'm not a Rudd fan.'
The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Rudd fan?'
'Because I'm a Liberal.'
The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.
Billy proudly answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
With a big smile, Billy replied, 'That would make me a Rudd fan.'
;D
(No correspondence will be entered into - I'm a Rudd fan ;) - this is humour ;)).
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Confucius say,
"If you are in a book store and cannot find
The book for which you search, you are obviously
in the.....
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/Image.jpg)
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Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work.
Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night?
Husband 2: Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to walk home for an hour – and when we got home, there was no electricity, so I had to light forking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
;D ;D ;D
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A teacher in Detroit,Michigan kindergarten class asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.
Little Tyrone stood up and said...
"UP AGAINST THE WALL MOTHER F@#KER!"
I guess there aren't too many farms in Detroit
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Being a non-golfer we can have some more fun at Tigger's expense ;D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/TWvia.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/TWmv.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/TWdh.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/snoop.jpg)
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
;D
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This is an interesting way of looking at things . . .
It's a slow day in a little east Norfolk town. it's dull, and the streets are deserted. Times are hard, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist is driving through town.
He stops at the pub and hotel and lays two £50 notes on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the £100 and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The tom rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100, says that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is conducting business today . . .
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Sounds like they've all been watching that soapie ' Wall Street ' on TV ;D ;D
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Are you sure thats only the british goverment? ;)
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Year 7 Economics, economics 102 - the Multiplier effect.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multiplier_%28economics%29
But funny anyway ;D I'll save and see if my daughter can work it into one of her Economic essays ;) - put the cat amongst the pigeons :D.
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No one you know I hope :D :P
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image-1.jpg)
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Voted Best Joke in Ireland
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." (http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/dfk6xy.gif)
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:D sometimes men just get it all wrong :D
happy green day for yesterday for today mx250
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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome '
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy forked a penguin!'
'Grumpy forked a penguin!'
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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:D sometimes men just get it all wrong :D
happy green day for yesterday for today mx250
Did I tell you one of my forebearers was one Patrick Murphy exported at Her Majesty's pleasure. The charge? Insurrection ;D.
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:D sometimes men just get it all wrong :D
happy green day for yesterday for today mx250
Did I tell you one of my forebearers was one Patrick Murphy exported at Her Majesty's pleasure. The charge? Insurrection ;D.
Love ya work, Green Boy ;) ;D :-*
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Did I tell you one of my forebearers was one Patrick Murphy exported at Her Majesty's pleasure. The charge? Insurrection
I don't want to divert this to something it isn't mx250, but if your ancestor was transported at Her Majesty's pleasure, that can only have been between 1837 & (effectively) 1857, unless he was sent to WA, which had more Irish 'guests' up to 1868.
I was delighted to find that one of my possible rellies (same spelling of a difficult name) was caught trying to escape from Albany (then King George's Sound) in a laundry basket . . .
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Paddy arrived in 1848 ;).
I also have a Pommy Bastard as a forebearer :-[ who arrived in 1828 at His Majesty's pleasure. He and his brother were exported by the good Sheriff of Nottingham 8) for sheep stealing. 'Sheep' can be singular or plural. I don't think it was a 'mob of sheep' ('they' probably would have hang them for that ::)) but it got them 14 years and "don't darken our doorway again". He left wet, miserable, dark, dunk and dingy NE England as a destitute starving 'with no hope' farm hand for the sunny climes of New South Wales ;). 20 years later he had 2000 acres 4000 sheep and a good Irish girl 20 years his junior as a bride. Died aged 67 racing his son home from the pub at night on horseback. Silly old smart arse took a shortcut under a tree (cutting the course) and forgot to duck :P.
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Hmmm . . . . racing home from the pub? Now there's a concept I don't understand. Sure he wasn't Irish as well?
I was delighted to find that one of my possible rellies (same spelling of a difficult name) was caught trying to escape from Albany (then King George's Sound) in a laundry basket . . .
I've just thought - perhaps the attempt failed because he wanted to come clean. (Boom-boom!)
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Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
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Karma for a greenie
The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for
getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was
Climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth
Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of
splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the
nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the
splinters.
The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the
examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours
before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so
long??!?!?!'
'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Parks And
Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation
and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth Timber from a
'recreational area' . . .
I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'
-
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"Please send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "Please send me you mother". ;D
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Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush ."
:-* ;D
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Things that are hard to say when drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning. ::) ;D
-
You forgot the one about- "no thanks I have to get up and race toomorrow"/lol :D
-
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed wasnicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scenewith Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for aids, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Nicholas.
"PS. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home.
-
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks..
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..
"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"
-
Q - Why are there no Muslims on Star Treck?
A - Because it's set in the future.
The two things I hate most in the world are Racial Prejudice and Arabs.
-
Here do you find this shit Greame???
-
Sorry ladies in advance.
How many animals can you stuff into a ladies pair of jeans?
Two calves
One beaver
One ass
One pussy
Countless hares
The occasional cock
and a dead fish no bastard can find.
-
Very good Brad, can I use it?
-
Knock yourself out!
-
Q - Why are there no Muslims on Star Treck?
A - Because it's set in the future.
The two things I hate most in the world are Racial Prejudice and Arabs.
Why are there no Kiwis on Star Treck?
Because they do any work in the future either
-
What's the difference between a fanny and a coffin?
You cum in one and go in the other BUT you've got to be stiff to get into both!
-
A Tasmanian woman writes into a newspaper column and asks, I'm 31 and still a virgin, does that mean my Dad & Brother are gay?
-
Didn't take long......
Why did carl Williams buy a treadmill?
Because exercise bikes were doing his head in! ::)
-
eBay Help Required.
Yesterday I bid on a beaut ''Cowboy Outfit" and now there's only 2hrs 9mins before I get the whole Queensland Govt.!!
-
two fat lesbians sitting talking about their weight problems lesbian one says well you are what you eat lesbian two replies so now you think im a fat c@#t ;D
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eBay Help Required.
Yesterday I bid on a beaut ''Cowboy Outfit" and now there's only 2hrs 9mins before I get the whole Queensland Govt.!!
Gee, I bet that it would cost a small fortune to buy the whole of the Queenland Govt ::).
Most of the 'white shoe brigade' only buy one polly at a time ;D.
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Queensland....beautiful oneday,Japanese the next ;D
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Queensland....beautiful oneday,Japanese the next ;D
You're behind the times there Monaro......
These days it's
Queensland....beautiful one day, Chinese the next :D.
Bless their little commie Land Banking hearts, getting ready for the next Cultural Revolution or fall from political grace. ;D.
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Two nuns were sitting in the dark, one says "wears the candle", the other replies " yes, doesn't it".
K
-
Keeping with big K theme, why are nuns always in pairs? one nun makes sure the other nun doesn't get nun
-
Queensland....beautiful oneday,Japanese the next ;D
You're behind the times there Monaro......
These days it's
Queensland....beautiful one day, Chinese the next :D.
Bless their little commie Land Banking hearts, getting ready for the next Cultural Revolution or fall from political grace. ;D.
Sorry mx250....yeah i was thinking in the past,then again it is a vintage forum ;) my excuse anyway!
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Q - Name the worst Rugby League side in history.
A - Melbourne Storm, 5 years and no competition points.
This will be huge, a lot of other clubs will be shitting themselves.
-
Q - Name the worst Rugby League side in history.
A - Melbourne Storm, 5 years and no competition points.
This will be huge, a lot of other clubs will be shitting themselves.
That's not funny Curly ::)
;) ;D
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Graeme, a good mate is a Rugby League Historian and all this has been a strong rumour for a long time. And the kick in the tail is that News LTD are heavily involved in this club.
Hang on to your seats.
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Graeme, a good mate is a Rugby League Historian and all this has been a strong rumour for a long time. And the kick in the tail is that News LTD are heavily involved in this club.
Hang on to your seats.
If I was a wrong doer I would be worried about News ltd - their director was talking police and fraud. Losing competion point might look pretty tame compared to having Big Budda as your bunk buddy at Pentridge (or where ever) for a year or two.
-
No one would be happy to share a cell with Ben Dover.
-
No one would be happy to share a cell with Ben Dover.
Or his hlaf brother Phil Mc racken
-
My kids want to go and see How to tame your dragon at the movies, but isn't that a marriage counselling show?
Cheers,
K
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So what has 26 legs but can't climb a ladder.
-
So what has 26 legs but can't climb a ladder.
13 Paraplegics or the Melbourne storm ?
-
So what has 26 legs but can't climb a ladder.
13 4ft tall Honda riders ;D
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A Letter To Jessie James:
You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.
She has a body to die for, and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."
You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away.
You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!
How can you live with yourself!
I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are.
Thanks for taking the heat off of me.
Let’s do lunch.
~Tiger
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q:why are clouds like women a:because eventually they both f#%k off and it turns out to be a nice day
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sick of people knocking on my door asking for donations,just had a woman from the sperm bank,boy did i give her a mouthfull ;D
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just had some muslims move in nextdoor with 3 children they asked if id like to have a water fight,im just waiting for the kettle to boil
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whats difference between the Storm,& a toothpick?
toothpicks got points both ends,storms got none ;D
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you been watching sunrise matcho mick
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Escaped Convict
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.'
To which his wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!'
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:D :D :D
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Image-2.gif)
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food
and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the
aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people,
if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his
trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't
hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise
your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'
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Understanding Engineers - Take one
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.' He said, 'Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'
The graduate with a performing arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.' He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.' The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/roll-1.gif)Not bad, not bad at all - for a Pommie Barstad ;D
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Not just a Pommie Barstad, but one from a long line of barstads who were engineers and who has inherited the full range of bespoke Engineers Tools. To whit:
1) A Hammer
2) A Very Big Hammer
What more does one need?
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And what was the first thing you were taught "If you first don't succeed, get a bigger hammer" ;D
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A wife asked her husband: 'What's my best feature, pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
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That's not humour, or even humor: it's irony . . .
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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian". He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fu#kin' widow."
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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Speaking of engineers, I recently had a discussion with one of our graduate engineers over the design of a new sewage treatment plant. I explained why a certain piece of equipment had proved unsuitable and why it should not be used again.
With no experience of treatment plants or the equipment concerned he boldly stated that "I don't think there will be a problem with that"
At that moment a TM Bill-ism sprang to mind so I said "Your half right, you don't think"
THANK YOU BILL ;)
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Did it go across well or is he still thinking about it? :D
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No he got all bitter and twisted about it and made a complaint.
My boss couldn't stop laughing when he "told me off" so no none is taking it seriously, least of all me.
The senior engineers who are designing the upgrades are, for the first time ever, running everything past the operators and we are reccomending changes which so far they are following.
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The senior engineers who are designing the upgrades are, for the first time ever, running everything past the operators and we are reccomending changes which so far they are following.
Helps to get a bit of "buy-in". Better still is to let the operators walk away with the impression it was their idea.
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A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No ! no ! mate, Where's your dust bin?".
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista.........!"
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Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail ?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)
18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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The Ballerina
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!
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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'
'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood
because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.
'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.'
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Given the following scenario posed to three different police forces. (see results)
Question:
How can you tell the difference between a Australian, New Zealand, and an American Police Officer?
Pose the following question:
"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with
a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are
carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family."
What do you do?
NEW ZEALAND POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or Maori?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
Is he an undercover Sunday Star times reporter looking for a news breaker?
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
Warn and Charter him as he approaches.
AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (Sounds of reloading) BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Yay for politically correct New Zealand !!!!!
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A Greek man and an Italian man were talking one day discussing who had the
superior culture. Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."
The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "Aha! But we invented
sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced
it to women."
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SEX WITH AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100," she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400."
"No," she says.
So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdo's from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."
AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS , IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US NOW !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Funnily enough, I reckon that last one works heaps better the way I first heard it: When its about a Kiwi... ;D
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Go Billy.
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iv'e found a cheap yet effective way to stop the ethnic minority from robbing my house while im at work :)
I just hung a sign on my gate , it says
JOB CENTRE
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Last month a world survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was ::
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a HUGE failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what shortage meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
8. In New Zealand they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
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An Obituary printed in the London Times -
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
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TM BILL'S on fire.
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I was at my bank today. There was just one lady in front of me, an older Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a getting irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dollar fo yen.. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!''
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President Obama and his chief of staff were sitting in a coffe shop when a passer by stopped and asked what they were doing. The cheif of staff replies, "we're finalising the detaills of the next war where we plan to kill 1 million muslims and just to make it look fair, 1 blonde with big tits". The passer by whined, "not a blonde with big tits," to which Obama looked at his COS and said " I told you no-one would give a shit about the muslims!"
K
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Kia Ora you fullahs (and gidday dingos)
Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England . At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Kiwis buy just one
ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn cuz," answers one of the Kiwis
They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Kiwis cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at
all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Aussie.
"Watch and learn cuz," answers a Kiwi ....
When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby. The train
departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the Kiwis leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please." :-*
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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman : I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
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For those surfing the web whilst at work; something to contemplate ;D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/birdshitassholechart.jpg)
I suppose that the corollary is that the further down the organisation you are the more shit you have to deal with ;D.
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I thought of the Lead Dog and the rest of the Huskies-that was the original version of that joke.
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WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS ;D
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill (about Clement Attlee)
Her "you're drunk". Sir Winston "That is true madam, but tomorrow I'll be sober and still will be ugly"
(Sir Winston on being disapproved of for drinking;)
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Graeme: be nice if it were true . . .
The last insult you cite is an abbreviated version of a (sadly) apocryphal exchange. But it might have happened:-
Bessie Braddock: "Winston, you are drunk, and what's more, you are disgustingly drunk."
Churchill: "Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."
For those with no knowledge of Elizabeth Margaret Braddock (1899 - 1970) the comment was apposite: she was the much-loved MP for Liverpool Exchange, elected in 1945 and serving until 1969, but by God, she was ugly . . .
Some say the exchange was with Nancy Astor (the first woman MP). You decide -
(http://www.bbc.co.uk/liverpool/content/images/2006/12/20/bessie_braddock_home2_203x152.jpg) (http://www.lastingtribute.co.uk/image/Nancy_Astor_2775938.jpg)
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Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys.
All are on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
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The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He felt that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need ... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye'd him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of f***ing headache.! ' ;D
-
A bloke walked into a tailors shop for a bargain in a nice new tailor made suit . A week later he tried the suit on and was not real happy 'cause the left sleeve of the jacket was 3 inches too long and the right leg was too long by the same amount. When he complained about this the tailor explained that as he obviously could not afford an expensive suit he could just keep his arm up across his back to make the sleeve appear shorter and to walk with his left knee bent and a fair way back for the same reason. He left the tailors shop with a disgruntled look on his face, and as he walked down the street a couple of blokes were walking towards him, one whispered to the other "have a look at this poor bastard", the other bloke said "yeah look at the way he walks all twisted up like that" the first bloke said "geez yair but he must have a terrific tailor!"
-
One day, the wife came home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" I asked.
"Well," she replied, "my boss and I played the lottery and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."
A week later, she came home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did you get that coat?" I asked.
She said, "My boss and I played the lottery and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."
Another week later, the wife came home driving a flaming red Ferrari!
You guessed it: Her share of the lottery winnings....
Last night, the wife asked me to run her a nice, warm bath while she got undressed.
When she entered the bathroom, she found that there was barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug.
"What's this?" she asked.
"Well," I replied, "we don't want to get your lottery ticket wet, do we?!"
-
for Stewie
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/image001225.jpg)
-
;D Hmmmm, fact or fiction. That story is like the WLA stories - I heard that many versions it ain't funny. The fact that it made it into a newspaper as 'fact', well............ ::) ;D
-
Rudd, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.
Finally Rudd gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Rudd
got to call Australia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call.
-
Hot & Cold Sex
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. ' After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in June and the second time is in December.'
-
A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had
been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'
Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
ANZ:
'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . .... The part about her
being dead?'
ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)
ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'
Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'
ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
ANZ:
'That might help.'
Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049..'
ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member:
'Well, what the F**K do you do with dead people on your planet?
-
'Well, what the F**K do you do with dead people on your planet?
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/laughing6-hehe.gif) Thanks. The sad thing is it;s probably all true ::). Thanks again. ;D
-
Best one that ive heard in a while is...
Tax dept send an auditor to the local hospital for the annual check(should that be the other way 'round?)
The auditor asks the CEO what the hospital did with all the off-cut bandage thinking it would go to waste.
The CEO answered that they actually sent it back to the supplier who would then send them an extra box with the next oreder free of charge.
A bit annoyed at this the auditor then asked what they did with all the waste plaster they had over and the CEO smiled and said that this too was sent back to the supplier who did much the same and sent the odd freebie back as thanks.
So being a right smart arse the auditor said ''I 'spose you keep all the off-cut foreskins from circumcisions for later as well-do you?''
The CEO sees where this is going so he replys" no we box them all up and send them to the tax office and once a year they send us a full prick!"
-
A old irish farmer lost his dog and was inconsolable. His wife said 'why dont you put an add in the paper?' Two weeks later he is still very distressed as theres no sign off the dog and his wife said what did you put in the add? he answered "here boy"
-
My friend has messaged me to say he won't be making any humorous or irreverent observations on the unfortunate passing of Adriana Xenides. He feels it would be _n_ppr_pr__t_ .
-
My friend has messaged me to say he won't be making any humorous or irreverent observations on the unfortunate passing of Adriana Xenides. He feels it would be _n_ppr_pr__t_ .
"I'd like to buy a vowel" :D
-
Perhaps she should have bought a 'bowel' insead of a 'vowel' ;D
-
Perhaps she should have bought a 'bowel' insead of a 'vowel' ;D
Kipo you beat me while i was typing.....going to say the same thing ;D
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Perhaps she should have bought a 'bowel' insead of a 'vowel' ;D
Oh dear ::).
(I'm glad you said it and not me ;) ;D).
-
Warning. If you are concerned about political correctness, DO NOT read the following story. By the way, it's a true story, only the facts have been changed.
The city of Darwin was in the midst of a terrible mouse plague when out of nowhere a man came along and insisted he could rid the town of them for the princely sum of $1 million dollars. The council held out for a while but it got too much and they called the guy in. He pulled out a hand carved flute, made of Boa Boa tree wood and proceeded to cut a tune. Low & behold out came all the mice, rats & rodents and they followed the "pied piper" out of the city until he directed them over the edge of a very deep crevise to their death. The mayor was very thankful & was happy to write the the cheque as promised. The one & only question he had for the piper was "can you play a didgereedoo?"
K
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A window cleaner working on an office block lent too far and fell from the 5th floor. As he went past the 3rd floor he thought to himself 'well so far so good' He hit the ground and an onlooker raced up to him and said 'gees mate what happened' The response was "I dont know mate I just got here!"
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"she says. A little girl raises her hand."I had a kitty cat that stuttered." The teacher knowing how precious some of these stories could become , asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well she began,'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard! 'That must have been scary,' said the teacher. 'It sure was' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Fffffft! Ffffff! Fffffft," but before she could say "fork!" the Rottweiler ate her! The teacher had to leave the room.
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On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffered to
Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen
over.
As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that
someone had "pissed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY
SUCKS".
Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense
spared" and to report within two weeks.
Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ...."our
investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good
news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".
Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......we spent $5 million dollars on the
investigation and have come to a successful result.
Well says Kev what's the bad news ?
The head of ASIO says "the DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne Swann's".
Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.
Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"
The ASIO chief replies..."the hand writing is Julia Gillards".
-
The other day my wife came and sat next to me on the couch and asked "whats on tv".
"Dust" I replied. Thats when the fight started.......
-
I got a bike for my wife the other day.
It was a good trade!
-
Not sure if this has already been put up, but I got a good laugh out of it ;D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
A jackeroo named Bluey was droving his herd in a remote paddock in the Kimberley region of Western Australia when suddenly a brand-new BMW M6 advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young bloke in a Zegna suit, shirt & tie, Gucci shoes and RayBan sunglasses leaned out the window and asked the jackeroo, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd will you give me a calf?"
Bluey looks at the half back flanker, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 satellite phone, connects to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area to produce an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the jackeroo and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves"
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bluey.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as he stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then Bluey says to the young bloke, "Hey mate, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The half back flanker thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a senator in Kevin Rudd's Labour Government", says Bluey.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Bluey. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
Now give me back my forking dog."
-
Funny :D ,but sad cause its true. :'(
They changed the name of our road out here and now when they need to find it on there GPS ,they can't, because there is another road named the same 2 km away ::) which is actually a disused road :-\ ::)
-
It's cold, you're blue, so.........
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_animals.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view¤t=animals.flv)
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Another one, for the same reason........
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_Farmers3Daughters.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view¤t=Farmers3Daughters.flv)
-
On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffered to
Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen
over.
As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that
someone had "pissed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY
SUCKS".
Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense
spared" and to report within two weeks. DEA JA VOU
Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ...."our
investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good
news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".
Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......we spent $5 million dollars on the
investigation and have come to a successful result.
Well says Kev what's the bad news ?
The head of ASIO says "the DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne Swann's".
Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.
Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"
The ASIO chief replies..."the hand writing is Julia Gillards".
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deaja vou for the above
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I suppose this is funny, sadly though, it's true. The other day a client came into the shop with his young son, who commented that I had Chad Reeds number 22 on my bike. My reply was, yes that's because I'm Chad's brother. The young fella looked at me and said, no way can you be Chads brother. When I asked why, he came back with, Chad's not bald! Not bad for a 7 year old.
Cheers,
K
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From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.20am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster
Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.
(http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e2013484ec3fb8970c-pi)
This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
Thanks Shan.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"
Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
Regards, David.
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster
yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
Attached poster as requested.
Regards, David. | (http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e20133f1c58cf3970b-pi) |
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
Regards, David.
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
Regards, David. | (http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e20133f1c58f1e970b-pi) |
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
(http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e2013484ec46dd970c-pi)
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster
yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww
Dear Shannon,
I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
Regards, David. | (http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e20133f1c59291970b-pi) |
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww
Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww
I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
Regards, David.
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Please just use the photo I gave you.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
(http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e2013484ec4b1c970c-pi)
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
(http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e2013484ec4bbd970c-pi)
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
(http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e2013484ec4cd7970c-pi)
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww
Fine. That will have to do.
Iceland go bankrupt, then manage to set their island on fire. Insurance scam written all over it.
-
That is funny, love it.
K
-
What’s the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....
Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**te. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything.
I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**te team we should easily have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.
The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning, "its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.
FIFA have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.
What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has a cap for his.
Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?"
To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this frigging mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."
-
Have you heard that there are now two man made things that can be seen from space?
The Great Wall of China and the hole in the England defence.
Illusionist David Blaine is heartbroken that the record he got for doing nothing in a box for 42 days has just been beaten by Wayne Rooney.
I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the laughing stock.
What’s the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.
What does the Englishman do when England wins the World Cup? He switches off the Play Station.
What’s the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.
What’s the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.
I’ve just won two tickets to see the England team. Do you want to come with me? We’ll catch the bus to Gatwick Airport on Thursday and watch them come home.
-
what did one kiwi say to the other with one leg shorter than the other ?
not even bro
-
Yeah, thanks for the football jokes: there were a couple there I'd not heard before. So what were you expecting after the first two matches against the footballing titans of the USA and Algeria? A win over a good team?
So, remind me, how did Australia do playing proper football instead of that pansy footie stuff? Did they cover themselves in glory against Germany?
Seriously, though, what about the Netherlands? Nine goals scored and only four scored against them. And isn't it illegal to knock Brazil out of the World Cup before the semi-finals?
We didn't go to the pub when the England-Germany match was on - I suspected what was coming and find it unsettling to watch men cry; we copped a bit of culture at an independent art gallery, then to the Victoria and Albert Museum and finally Tate Britain. (PM me if you want some help with the concepts 'culture' or 'art gallery').
Got to the pub later though, for pints & pizza and saw England sneak up from behind to take the One Day International Series three nil. (This was cricket, by-the-way, another sport we invented). Can't remember who we beat, but it'll come to me in a bit.
This isn't really a joke, is it? Sorry. I'll try harder.
-
Little Timmy was sitting in class with the teacher going around the classroom asking what your fathers do for a living. Little Sally says my dads a fireman, little Josh says my dads a copper, little Mikey says my dads a milkman.
When it gets to little Timmys turn he says " My dads takes all his clothes off for men, men pay him to strip down naked and dance around the room with nothing on at all, he then does something he calls sexual acts with men for money.
Little Timmys teacher is gobsmacked, she asks all the other kids to leave the room, leaving only her and little Timmy in the room together. "Does your father really do all those things you said earlier, about sleeping with men for money and taking there clothes off"
Little Timmy says " No, he actually plays Football for the NSW state of origin team but I was too embarrassed to say" ::)
Homo nuts
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Bills down the pub having a couple of beers bragging to Brad about how hes sleeping with both the new Swedish twins who had just moved into town without them knowing
Brad said that is so cool but isnt hard to tell them apart.
Not at all says Bill, Inga has the type of body you could only deam about, 36=24=36 figure, blond hair, the whole package, Trevor has a big cock :o
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Got to the pub later though, for pints & pizza
What was that about culture?
-
A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young Sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya's!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
-
nice one Monaro, complete with good old Aussie Slang.
sheila, ringer,
-
speaking of ringers and shiela's,
a mate of mine John lost his job and all he could get was as a station hand on a remote outback cattle station.
upon arrival, the boss told him how there weren't any shiela's out there and him not being a married man had no wife or daughters so to speak but then went on to offer the services of the camel he kept in the barn and went on to say how most of the blokes use it from time to time,
well as you could imagine, John was quite shocked and wondered just what he'd gotten himself into.
first day on the job he didn't quite kow what to make of his fellow workmates as he quietly thought to himself they're a bunch of camel forkers :o
so after a few months, he decided he'd had enough and approached the boss about seeing the camel.
the boss took him to the barn and sure enough, upon opening the doors there she was, a beautifull lovely camel just chewin on a bit of hay.
John walks around behind the camel and says,
"she's a bit tall ain't she",
and with that, the boss pats her on the head and she kneels down,
so John now sweating proffusely, thinks to himself,
"well, it's now or never"
so with that, he drops his dacks and gets stuck into the camel ;)
{scene missing}
and after about 15 minutes {he's a bit of a stayer old John},
he finishes his business, stands up and looks at the boss and says,
"well, that wasn't as bad as i thought it'd be",
and with that, the boss took off his hat and said,
"well you shocked the shit out of me, most blokes just ride her to town!" :)
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MyGrandpar died peacefully in his sleep.
The other 4 people in the car died screaming. :)
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[quote author=Pommie Barstad link=topic=2771.msg138931#msg138931 date=12781961 (This was cricket, by-the-way, another sport we invented).
This isn't really a joke, is it? Sorry. I'll try harder.
[/quote] Cricket ? a sport? now THATS a joke greatest cheats game ever invented. Had to be invented by pommies! cheers pancho.
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Clearly, there'd be nothing for my countrymen, friends or colleagues to drink here . . .
(http://talshiar.dk/fun/20040701/reciept.jpg)
Dunno about you blokes though . . .
But if you're unsure on which side your bread is buttered, Meekatharra's the place . . .
-
Got to the pub later though, for pints & pizza
What was that about culture?
Yes, sorry Tim, this is multiculture:- beers from a local craft brewery and a very nice German Wiessbier; pizza from next door to the pub (excellent idea!) from an Italian tradition (though the French claim to have invented it) combining such exotics as olives, anchovies, vegetable oil (cf. olives) plum tomatoes and cheese from buffaloes, speedily produced by an Eastern European kitchen crew. We encountered the cultures of half the known world in a sup and a snack . . .
-
For when a hammer would be far too butch and a wrench too over-the-top - for when you need to give it just a little tweak . . .
(http://www.lolpix.com/_pics/Funny_Pictures_674/Funny_Pictures_6743.jpg)
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Clearly, there'd be nothing for my countrymen, friends or colleagues to drink here . . .
(http://talshiar.dk/fun/20040701/reciept.jpg)
Dunno about you blokes though . . .
But if you're unsure on which side your bread is buttered, Meekatharra's the place . . .
I think that's country boy talk for Brown's Ale or sim ;D.
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Stole this off another site :P
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the
Talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for
The birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage
It?"
The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,
"Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?"
The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil.... This one's black."
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Get ready for todays 'dad' joke: A turtle , a buzzard a rabbit were drinkin' mates who used to by a lotto ticket every week without winning a cent. Eventually they cracked the big one winning a huge fortune . So they discussed what the always wanted to do if they had money. Rabbit said well i'm going to the nursery and get all I need to plant and grow the best and biggest carrots ever! Buzzard says "I'm going to get a new place built where our shack is and have a rest." Turtle says, "I'm going to get some grog ordered in and get stuck into it!... So rabbit hunts up all the carrot specialists for the best advice and orders all the best gear to be sent to there new abode. So he heads of home and finds that this great mansion is in place of the old joint. On knocking at the door he is confronted by this impressive butler looking down his nose who says to him "yes my man can I assist you?" Rabbit says 'where's buzzard?'........... If you mean Mr Buz-aard my man he is resting, says the butler...... 'Well where's turtle?' Butler replies Mr Tur-Tell is relaxing in the bar. Hmm... rabbit says... 'Well you tell Mr Tur-Tell and Mr Buzz-aard, that Mr Ra-bitt is here with the shit......Cheers pancho
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English man ,Scotsman and Irishman talking about closing time at the pub. English man says come closing time we all drink up and go home. Scotsman says , we all fight to see who has the last drink on the bar. Irishman says , thats nothing at our pubs you only have to pay for your first drink then you get free drinks all night ,then come closing they take you upstairs and you get laid.
The other two are stunned and ask, has this happened to you paddy?
Paddy says no, but it happened to my sister!
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Pick on Frankston.....
Q - Whats the first question at a trivia night in Frankston?
A - "What are you lookin' at C%#T?"
Q - What does a Frankston girl use for protection when she has sex?
A - A bus shelter.
Q - How do you tell the difference between boys and girls in Frankston?
A _ The girls have a higher sperm count!
Q - Two Frankston guys in a car without any music - who is driving?
A - The policeman.
Q - Whats the most confusing day in Frankston?
A - Fathers Day!
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paddy tells mick,"i'm thinking of buying a labrador"
"fook off" say's mick,"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
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That one I like Mick can I use it? cheers.pancho
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I went to the doctors the other day.
I found out my new doctor is a young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was a bit embarrassed but she said " don't worry, I'm a professional and I've seen it all before."
"Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
I said " I think my penis tastes funny"
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(http://i41.tinypic.com/242svnt.jpg)
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First woman (proudly): "My husband's an angel!"
Second woman: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." ;D
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An old friend told me about a fellow he knew that had the word "Wog" tattooed in big letters on his donga, which he claimed on regular occasions changed to "Wollongong"! Cheers
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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
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Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.
He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground..
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect.
Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
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Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....
This is for the Christmas period only!
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When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
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Statistically.... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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A history teacher asks a class full of kids - 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
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A joke from the entrenched UK NHS. You may just need to look up 'Proctology'
The improved National Health Service
The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.
The Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ********* in London.
-
Got your iPad? Love your Kindle? Well tough, new technology's on the way that will make them all redundant:-
Introducing the new Bio-Optical Organised Knowledge device, trade-named - B-O.O.K.
B-O.O.K. is a revolutionary break-through in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.
Here's how it works:
B-O.O.K. is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable) called P-a.G.E.s (Pre-arranged Guided Evaluation), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The P-a.G.E.s are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (O.P.T.) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, B-O.O.K.s with more information simply use more P-a.G.E.s. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
B-O.O.K. may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.
B-O.O.K. never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "Bookmark" accessory allows you to open B-O.O.K. to the exact place you left it in a previous session - even if the B-O.O.K. has been closed. Bookmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single Bookmark can be used in B-O.O.K.s by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous B-O.O.K. markers can be used in a single B-O.O.K. if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the B-O.O.K.. You can also make personal notes next to B-O.O.K. text entries with optional tools, such as Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (P.E.N.C.I.L.S.).
Portable, durable and affordable, B-O.O.K. is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. B-O.O.K.'s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
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I think we'll have to rename you Old Pommy Bastard ;D
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Cecil had been sent home to pass in the comfort of his home, there being nothing more that could be done to cure his ailment. Being in severe pain, he was hooked up to a morphine drip with a constant dose trickling through. While drifting in and out of consciousness, his senses became aware of something. It immediately made him feel a little happier, a little stronger. Good memories flowed. Pondering the source of his content, he realised that it was a smell. The smell of his favourite cookies being baked.
He then realised that his wife must be baking him a treat. He cast his mind back over his 60 years of marriage to his wife Martha. There were some good times, and many of those other times. He then realised that this must be Martha’s last attempt to put things right and say sorry in his darkest time, and send him on his last journey in peace.
Filled with a little more strength Cecil tears the drip from his arm. Almost immediately the pain increases no longer being kept in check by the morphine. As he attempts to sit up, he painfully falls to the cold, hard floor of his room. He then drags himself across the floor to the top of the stairs and carefully starts t make his way down. After just the first step, he slips and tumbles all the way to the bottom. Thankfully, he passes out.
A short time later, he is again awoken by the scent of the baking. He painfully makes his way into the kitchen he sees his Martha busy baking and a rack on the bench piled up with his favourite choc chip cookies.
He drags himself across to the bench and lacking the strength to speak to Martha he uses the very last of his strength to stand and reaches out to take a cookie.
Martha turns around to see him reaching out and swats him on the hand with her spatula, saying “Pi55 off, they’re for the wake.”
-
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/married-life.jpg)
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Are you having a go at all us married men? ;D
-
;D
-
That sounds like my wife :-[ jimson ;D
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That sounds like my wife :-[ jimson ;D
It sounds like all our wives ;D,
They have a secret school somewhere where 'they' teach these tricks; 'Ten new ways of how to make your man to feel guilty without even trying' etc.
Then they have The Sisterhood, a secret society of support, aiding and abetting.
So give up now, go quietly; retreat to your garage and do something that creates dust and noise - two naturally occurring phenomenons that wives find repulsive. If your defense of your sanctum is failing get a buff wheel. The noise is not so great but the greasy lint dust lingering in the air is 100% successful in repulsing and reviling. (http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/smiley79.gif)
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They have a secret school somewhere where 'they' teach these tricks; 'Ten new ways of how to make your man to feel guilty without even trying' etc.
some of the secrets of Women School are revealed in Love, Sex & Tractors (http://www.amazon.com/Love-Sex-Tractors-Roger-Welsch/dp/0760308683/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279454428&sr=8-1) by Roger Welch. Strongly recommended.
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(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/tiger.jpg)
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What has 9 arms and sucks?
Def Leppard
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I think we'll have to rename you Old Pommy Bastard
Possibly, possibly.
In my mind, I'm 27, but my body thinks I'm 47. What the calendar says, however, is utterly ridiculous.
Now, aren't you like that mx250?
Aren't we all like that?
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image-4.gif)
WHY MEN ARE RARELY DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image2.gif)
It's probably been 'done' before but I just had to use the little self portraits ;D.
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Two for the Little Ladies, Cooks & Sheilas out there . . .
(http://i36.tinypic.com/t9w303.jpg)
(http://www.lolpix.com/_pics/Funny_Pictures_488/Funny_Pictures_4886.jpg)
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I did think about changing these to "Bultaco owners" or "Abbott supporters", but...
How do you know when you're staying
in a Redneck hotel ?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, "Go ahead."
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ?
It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a
Redneck murder . ..
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There's no dental records
Who invented the toothbrush ?
A Redneck.
(If it had been invented by anyone else,
it would have been called a teethbrush.)
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . .
and the driver replies "Bout wut ?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? . .
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
A new Redneck law was just recently passed .
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck governor's
mansion burned down ?
"Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them."
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My whole family is into riding motorbikes ;D
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/asians.jpg)
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There's gotta be a market for sidecars over there.
-
There's gotta be a market for sidecars over there.
:D :D :D :D
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This is an oldie but a goodie.
A long time ago a feller was riding his bonnie out on a country road. He stops for a bloke hitching a ride and says 'hop on'. Hitch hiker says 'stuff that its bloody freezin!'. Feller says 'don't worry about that' just take your jacket off and put it on backwards, I'l button it up and that stops the wind blowing through you. Off they go and the feller settles in to riding with the extra weight on the back and starts to take a few adventurous lines around these fast bends and next thing he drops it. The feller is out to it and the hitcher is rolling round moaning. A car comes along and this big bloke jumps out to help. The bonnie rider comes to on hearing this horrible scream and turns round from checking his bike and says 'is that bloke alright?' The big samaritan says 'he was moaning and groaning a bit but when I screwed his head 'round the right way he made a hell of a fuss and stopped moving!
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a biker goes to his doctor with hearing problems.
"can you describe the symptoms to me?",asked the doctor
"Yes,Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard & Marge is a tall skinny chick with blue hair"
i lost a pub quiz the other night by 1 point
the question was where do woman mostly have curly hair?
Apparently,it's Africa!
you can say a lot of bad things about paedophiles,but at least they drive slowly past schools!
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a airplane is about to crash, a woman jumps up, rips off her clothes and says "if i gonna die i wanna die feeling like a woman,is there any men on this plane that can help me feel like that?" a guy stands up,takes off his shirt and says "here, iron this."
well he's gonna die anyway ;D
a very brave man posted the above on facebook-lucky he lives overseas :o ;D
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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started
swearing.'
The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we
go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me,
ok?'
'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
breakfast.
'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?'
'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f@#king Coco Pops'
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HOW TO SPEAK NEW ZEALANDER, FOR BIST EFICT, RID THESE OUT ALOUD!
Should help translating bill and Dj
Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Little crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Chully Bun - Esky
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
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Little Johnny during a sex ed class.
Miss, my dad has 2 penis's.
Don't be silly Johnny, that's impossible.
No it's true miss, he's got a little one he wee's out of and a real big one he cleans mummy's teeth with.
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Here's a tip if you ever suffer bouts of dementia ;) ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/HowaReal1.jpg)
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That's a good plan MX250-so you don't forget what to call her when you wake up, still if I woke up next to Jane, I'd probably have forgotten my own name :D :D she's a good looker.
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The Thought for Today ;) ;D;
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/highbeam.jpg)
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Where do you get this shit from MX?
I think the knob on the right is the thermostat control-no wait-is it the one on her right-damn, I'll have to try both-again....
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Are you looking for a job change EML ;D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/yoga.jpg)
I keep protesting my innocents - I don't find it, it finds me ;).
Son, brother, cousins, work mates they email me the 'shit' 8).
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I like this one
http://s199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/?action=view¤t=RR.mp4
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I like this one
http://s199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/?action=view¤t=RR.mp4
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/ATT7777777.gif) Love the punch line ;D.
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A farmer in his ute, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked. I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard." ;D
-
I heard on the radio that today a midget fortune teller escaped from goal. The person of interest is described as a 'small medium at large'. pancho.
-
I heard on the radio that today a midget fortune teller escaped from goal. The person of interest is described as a 'small medium at large'. pancho.
LOL.....love it ;D
-
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again..'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like Eric, the little prick.
-
I NO COME WOK TODAY!'
Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.
-
Did you hear about the Dyslexic insomniac athiest?
He lays in bed, awake all night, wondering if there really is a dog.
-
Did you hear about the Dyslexic insomniac athiest?
He lays in bed, awake all night, wondering if there really is a dog.
I think he sold his soul to Santa ;D ;D ;D
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMBYvKFdeiE&feature=player_embedded
-
Its a quiet night........
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_A277F1AFF62F4D6698DF56E64D8B6763stuartPC.jpg)
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_CFB024ED394E4676810D2EDA57EDC5FFstuartPC.jpg)
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_10393ED78C8441B88EC834E56C79BA8CstuartPC.jpg)
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_5AF698AEE19A49DCBAAF4435C82492E7stuartPC.jpg)
-
One for Nathan S ;) ;D
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill.
The barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a polititian came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/ATT7777777.gif)
-
In Ireland. A cop sees a car swerving all over the road, gives chase and pulls paddy over. Cop says, "what's going on here paddy, you're swervin' all over the road!" Paddy says, Its those damn pine trees, they keep on coming from the sides of the road and I've just missed them by a whisker!. You've been into the Guinness again paddy, get rid of that air freshener thing hangin' from your mirror there! cheers pancho
-
There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life!!!!!!!!
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions....
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81szj1vpEu8
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRXJf-ANy2A&feature=related
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAONkS06LFU&feature=channel :D :D
What a nutter!
-
It's Hard, Getting Old...
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry
Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we
couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine
medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too
-
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price.
His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."
-
Courtesy of ARCH on the rgv forum
A husband and wife are just leaving a small roadside cafe mid journey. They've been married 40 odd years and thus the honeymoon period could be considered to be over.
"Have you got everything? says wife.
"Yes dear" getting into car.
"are you sure, you know what you're like."
"yes, I'm sure." starts car and pulls away.
As he's driving onto a stretch of dualcarrigeway the old fella realises he's left his hat behind. 'Bugger' he thinks in dread 'well, here goes'
"I may have forgotten my hat" he says tentatively.
Suffice to say Herself goes off on one "I said to you ...." etc, etc, etc [you get the picture]
After driving 20miles to the next turning, then missing the turning off to the cafe 'cos Herself is STILL banging on, then another 15miles to the next one to be able to turn back, they finally arrive back at the cafe. "..... I don't know how I put up with it....." etc, etc, etc.
As he's trudging across the carpark, wifes voice still ringing in his ears, come the words ........
"And while you're in there you can pick up my handbag"
-
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
-
Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one
ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn bro," answers one of the Maori's
They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy
a ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Maori.
"Watch and learn bro ," answers a Aussie .
When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby. The train
departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."
-
:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D Love it :)
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
-
Did you know that:
In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of
the sheep first.
-
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be forked!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room.
;D
-
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the
Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from
his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....
‘I'll do the f****** dishes’!!!
-
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....thats a goodie slawesy :D
-
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment. He proudly went
down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she
started up a conversation with him.
As they talked her robe slipped open. It was obvious that she had nothing
else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my
apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature ?'
Flustered and embarrassed he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded and hurt she asked, 'My ears ? Look at these breasts, they are a
full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and
solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How
can you think that the best part of my body is my ears ?'
Clearing his throat he stammered, 'Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming.......that was me !'
-
UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected on this subject.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years..'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as
a public service.
___
D
-
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKYS. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
-
How many motorcyclists does it take to change a light bulb?
???
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” …
another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light
bulb” is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs
15 People to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and their own light bulbs
7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL’s
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
13 to say “do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs”
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W. isn’t
the brightest bulb.
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.
-
How many motorcyclists does it take to change a light bulb?
???
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” …
another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light
bulb” is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty
5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs
15 People to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and their own light bulbs
7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL’s
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
13 to say “do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs”
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W. isn’t
the brightest bulb.
4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.
Sorry Lozza,
I am not sure I understand…? Can you supply more detail? :D
-
Careful vmx42 this thread has moved off topic I have to envoke the.......
(http://thorgolucky.com/images/Banstick_Hyah.jpg)
-
A women walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
-
Good one ! ;)
-
I liked the UCLA study Mick. cheers pancho
-
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and
I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
.
-
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potatoe pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f#cking will power'
Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry, you'll lose it eventually '
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'
I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.
Snow hell! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be lucky with a face like that!'
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them...............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
-
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait '
I said ' don't worry, you'll lose it eventually '
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/roll-1.gif) Thanks Bill 8)
-
I bought one of those 3D televisions the other day.
Man do they make things look like they are coming out of the screen at you.
I fell asleep last night watching a doco about Aborigines and when I woke up my wallet was gone.
-
Nice...... :D
-
2 work mates talking first bloke says I dont know whats wrong with me lately I was trying to order lunch earlier and do you think I could say what I meant to say, the words just wouldn't come out right and in the end I just said give me a pie. second bloke says I know exactly what you mean at dinner last night I meant to say to the wife( can you pass me the salt) but insted I said ( you f#cked up my life you bitch)
-
Did you know:
That in 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom by using a sheep's bladder.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first!
-
Q - What is the difference between Erotic & Perverted.
A - Erotic is when you use a feather & Perverted is when you use the whole chook.
-
Q - What is the difference between Erotic & Perverted.
A - Erotic is when you use a feather & Perverted is when you use the whole chook.
;D
Gee, I was told erotic when you used a younger woman, perverted was when you used an older woman. 8)
(Women readers can invert gender ;) :D)
-
For your deep and meaningful consideration
Are you a Labor, a Liberal, or a National Voter?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,
praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Smith & Wesson 6 shot revolver gun, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK AND READ CAREFULLY THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Labor Voter’s Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?
Does the hand-gun have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 000?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have community clean -up day. Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!
...............................................................................
Liberal's Answer:
BANG!
..........................................................................
National's Amswer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'We’re those the Winchester Copper Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!’
-
I had sex with a girl that stutters.
It was great,i managed to finish before she could say no!
-
My girfriend doesn't like my new aftershave,called 'Chloroform.'
Apparently it makes her feel sleepy and gives her a sore arse..... :P
-
They're looking for 2 Muslim bashers in the Bankstown area.
I applied but aparently it's not a job.
-
A pakistani has been shot with a starting pistol at the commonwealth games :o
Police say the attack was definetly race related :)
-
Got caught sniffing my mates sisters undies yesterday.
Wouldn't have been so bad but she was wearing them at the time.
He went nuts!
Made the rest of her funeral awkward.
-
Brad that's sick
-
Thanks ;D
-
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,but
there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Julia Gillard.
That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
The Kiwi said, 'Take the dog for a walk!'
-
Got caught sniffing my mates sisters undies yesterday.
Wouldn't have been so bad but she was wearing them at the time.
He went nuts!
Made the rest of her funeral awkward.
You are definately one sick puppy Brad ::)
A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica .
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,' explained the man.
'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'
We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?'
She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'
And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after!
Keep Smiling :)
-
Saw this sign on the wall of a railway underpass a few years ago ( NEWZEALAND SUCS) about a week later when passing the same spot noticed another sign under it (AUSTRALIA NIL)
-
Reported to be true--
Perth Uni. The lecturer says, right now, todays exam is very important for you people Please give your best. Mr. 20yr old smart-arse at the back says to the amusement of the whole class , Miss I am sexually exhausted from last night can I do this tomorrow? Lecturer in come-back of the year says
'No I suggest you do the paper with your other hand!'
cheers pancho.
-
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said, ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with Senior Citizens
-
The Love Dress
A woman drops in to see her newly married daughter one afternoon and finds her laying back on the lounge completely naked.
Shocked, she asks what's going on.
Her daughter tells her whenever her husband works late she awaits him in her love dress and they make mad passionate love for hours.
Thanking her for the idea the woman heads home and prepares herself for the arrival of her husband.
Upon arrival the husband finds his wife reclined and naked on the lounge.
Shocked he asks whats going on.
She replies I am wearing my love dress .
to which he replies
well it needs ironing
-
I went upto a fat chick down the pub , i said "do you have a pen " "yes " she replys :)
So i said you better get back in it before the farmer notices your gone :)
-
I just saw a boat load of Kiwis sinking. They were in real trouble, so I alerted the authorities.
I hope the emergency services found them, or I've just wasted a f$%king stamp!
-
:D :D
-
They are getting better :D :D :D :D
-
Bloke goes into a shoe shop and buys a pair of tortoise-skin shoes.
Took him half hour to get out of the shop
Irish bloke goes for a job on a building site.
Boss asks "Can you brew tea?" he says "Yes"
Boss says "Can you drive a stacker truck?" he says "How bigs the forkin teapot?!"
Irish bloke goes for a job, boss says "Whats yer name?"
He says "Paddy Mulligan!", the boss says "How do you spell that?"
Paddy says "Stick the job up yer arse!"
I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in
Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.
I have a pakistani who lives next door to me,
He said the other day to me "I'm a better man than you"
I said "I never said you forking wasn't, but what makes you think your a better man than me?"
He said "I don't have a forking Paki, living next door to me"
-
A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little
angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his
rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently
declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom,"
he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father
-
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,
-
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at
the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided
to take a nap.
The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out.
Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle,
anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good
morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?"
"Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely."
"But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected.
"That's true; but you have all the equipment."
THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
By Tom P
-
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
-
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that
his cajones (testicles) ached almost all the time. As he was always
complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that
he go to the doctor see what he could be done to relieve the problem.
The midget took his advice and went to the doctor told him what
the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants he would have a
look.
The midget dropped his pants the doctor put him up onto the examining
table, and started to examine him.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget
to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for hernia.
"Aha!"
mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked
the midget to cough again.
"Ahhha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip,snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip,
snip, snip,
snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was
afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not
hurt.
The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants see if they still
ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around
the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
"Gee, what did you do Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots
-
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They
loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could
spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained,
"and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the
barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on
their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from
an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed
at on our ski holiday up North."
Yes, I do."
Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and have sex with her?"
Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I
have to admit that I did."
And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your
name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid
I did. Why do you ask?"
No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!
-
little johnny asked his mum one day what a puusy and bich was .mum thinking bugger how do i explain this one.so she said you know how we call the cat kitty ,pussy is just another way of saying it.well what about bitch johnny says ,no woorries mum said you know our dog spot? well amale dog is called a dog and a female dog a bitch.phew says mum i got out of that one one.little johnny wasnt real sure about mums answer so off to dad.well john dad says i think the time has come to explain a few things to you.come out to the garage and all will be explained.dad gets a copy of pent -black label with the full legs wide open centrefold.as he grabs amarker pen and circles the the fun bits he said that is a pussy within the circle,every nthing outside the circle is a bitch :D
-
Heres a frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries
-
worlds two greatest lies-yes i love youand know i wont come in your mouth
sorry thursday night late shopping and a couple of bourbons ;D
-
A husband has a real bad habit of farting all the time, daytime, night time, all the time. The wife, growing sick of all the farting says to him, "for God's sake dear, you fart that much, one day you are going to fart your guts out, you need to see someone about this". Hubby laughs, tells her not to be silly, it can't possible happen.
One Sunday morning the wife is up early stuffing a turkey for Sunday lunch, while hubby is upstairs, soundly sleeping in, with a chorus of constant farting every few minutes. The wife see's the dish of guts and turkey insides and has a great idea to scare the husband, and finally get him to seek help for his problem. She get's the dish of guts and gizzard and quietly sneaks into the bedroom, carefully pulls his undies back and tips the turkey guts into the back of his pants. "This will teach him" she said to herself as she quietly snuck out back to the kitchen and continues to prepare for the day's lunch.
A little while later, the wife hears a blood curdling scream from upstairs. She can hardly stop herself from rolling around on the floor in a fit of laughter. Finally, she contains her composure, and notices everything is quiet upstairs.
Just then, the husband, white as ghost, carefully makes his way down the stairs to the kitchen. The wife, barely holding it together again says, "what's the matter dear". He turns to her and says " you know how you said that one day I would end up in trouble if I kept up the constant farting? Well, you were right, this morning I let out a big one and it woke me up, and I found a mess in my undies, I farted my guts out". He continues " but don't worry dear, with the grace of God, these two fingers, and the jar of Vasoline in the bathroom, I got them all back in".
-
Billy, your killing me, but don't forget we have mixed company.
-
A guy with a shoe fetish gets on a long haul flight and happens to be sitting beside an attractive woman- wearing nice shoes.
After a while it gets too much for him and he asks;"Can I smell your shoes?"
The woman replies; "You most certainly can NOT".
The guy replies with;"It must be your cu.t" then"
-
2 mates a Hyena and a Monkey are talking and the Monkey says I'm braver than you are, and the Hyena replys no I'm braver than you, and the Monkey says no I'm braver than you, then before the Hyena can answer a Lion jumps out from behind a tree grabs the Hyena and starts to tear it to bits, after a few minutes it spits the half dead Hyena out and walks away. The Monkey comes down from the tree where he was hidding and stood over his mate. The hyena then says I thought you said you were brave, why didn't you come down and help me, the Monkey replyed the way you were laughing I thought you were getting on top.
-
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said, 'I've not eaten for two days'.
I told him, 'I wish I had your f#cking will power'.
A woman buys a wall mirror from K-Mart, manager says, 'Would you like a screw for that mirror ?'
She said, 'No, but I'd suck your penis for a lawn mower'.
Top Tip: If you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you
that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open,
it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex ...........
Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today ....
Apparently the instruction 'Finish off on her face ' didn't mean What I thought it did.
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, 'Sorry about the wait.'
I said, 'Don't worry fatty , you're bound to lose it ... eventually.'
A Nuffie is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, his Nuffie buddy meets him & says,
'If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?'
The first Nuffie replys, 'If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there, you can have both of them.'
The Second Nuffie says, 'Four.'
One of life's great mysteries:
How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch butt, IN THE DARK ....
but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT
Snow ... eh!
The TV weather woman said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself,
'Fat chance with a face like that!'
I have a new chat up line that works every time ....
It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner ...
AND I always end up in bed with them:
Here's how it goes, 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion?
Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you ?'
Years ago it was suggested, 'That an apple a day kept the doctor away.'
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.
-
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex fanatic?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
-
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and said, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, doesn't go fast, doesn't handle, doesn't stop, doesn't give VMX riders the horn, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and read the results.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'
-
Thats nasty comparing women to HD..now a Honda would be getter cause we are more the same..fast ,hot blooded, can turn red faster and sleak lookin ;D
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
-
What do you do if the wife is covered in blood running round the back yard screaming?
....
...
..
.
Take a breath careful aim and fire again!
-
Just confided in my girlfriend about my premature ejaculation problems.
She was really good about it and took it on the chin :P
-
I met a girl at the park.
Sparks flew between us instantly,she fell at my feet and i had sex with her.
I thought to myself 'these taser guns are really worth the money!' ;D
-
Two mates having a drink.
One says 'if i went to your house while you were at work,got a blowie off your wife, sucked her nipples,had sex with her and she got pregnant....would that make us related?'
Mate replies......'dunno about related but it would definitely make us even.' :D
-
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_(hahahahahaha....)_______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
-
=============================================
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"
-
>
> A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to
> have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he
> didn't live far and would just walk home.
>
> On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store
> and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed
> store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling
> outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases
> home.
>
> While he was scratching his head he was
> approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can
> you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
>
> The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my
> farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry
> this lot.'
>
>
> The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the
> can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken
> under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
> 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded
> to walk the old girl home.
>
> On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and
> go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
>
> The little old lady looked him over cautiously
> then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I
> know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,
> pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
>
> The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying
> a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world
> could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
>
> The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover
> him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
> chickens
>
>
>
-
So a Father Shark and a Son Shark are swimming around and they see a cruise ship sinking so they swim over to have a look.
Sure enough the boat is sinking , there are people thrashing about in the water.
"Dad, can we go and eat them?" says the Son Shark
"Not yet son, swim around the people with just the tips of your fins showing". So they do that.
"Can we eat them now,Dad?" says the Son
"Not yet my boy, now swim around them with ALL your fins showing". So they do that
"Now Dad, Can we eat them now?" "yes boy eat them now" says the Dad. So they tuck in.
As they are swimming away the Son Shark asks his Dad why they had to circle the people twice before they ate them.
"Thats easy son" says the Dad... "They taste better without the sh*t inside!"
-
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do 'bout it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then, some asshole shows up and drinks the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
-
A woman's dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it and saves its life.
'Are you a vet' asked the woman.
'Vet?' said the German 'Im f…ing soaked!'
-
Young Arab asks his father:
- What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?
- It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !
- And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?
- It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !
- And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?
- These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !
- Tell me, papa....
- Yes, my son ?
- ... Why are we living in Bankstown and still wearing all this shit ?
-
Why men do not get cellulite?
Because it just looks like shit. 8)
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_Retard.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view¤t=Retard.mp4)
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOrjcLJ2IE0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_N0w2rORwSc&feature=related
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIrvpn3k9A4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MytfhzcSF-Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHCxdlZ7G18&feature=channel
-
joel monahan has a new contract - with canterbury ,the bulldogs.they have asked for a drug test ,to which the answer was thats fine the sample is in the lab
-
I found a young homeless girl hidden out by the bins last night.
She was dirty and didn't smell too good,but underneath the grime i could see she was pretty and
had a good body.
I brought her inside and gave her a bath.
As i was towelling off her naked body i became aroused and one thing led to another.
Before i knew it i was making passionate love to her.
I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was alive :P
-
My gran just walked in on me having a toss.
She was so surprised she had a stroke.
I couldn't believe how soft her hands were.....
-
God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking,drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven...
The man says he'll try...
God visits the man a week later to see how he's getting on..
"Not bad" says the man. "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite
& I caught sight of her long slender legs,I pulled up her skirt,pulled her knickers to one side and gave it to her hard and fast from behind".
"They don't like that in heaven" replies God...
The man says "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"
-
Good Mums let you lick the beaters,great Mums turn the mixer off first !!
-
A blonde was on holiday and driving thru Darwin ..
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank when he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimey banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........." SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"
-
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in
a small club in Sydney western suburbs.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes
when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do
with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full
potential as people.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general... and all in the name of humour!'
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You
stay out of this mate! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!'
-
To Be 6 Again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f*** retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.
-
I went to a really beautiful female Doctor for my annual check-up.
She told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked "why"?
She said,"because I am trying to examine you".
-
I went to a beautiful female doctor too. I was all nervous and fidgeting and said I was a bit uncomfortable about telling my problem to a female doctor. She said ''just relax, I am a professional and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Now tell me your problem.''
I said , ''I think my di#k tastes funny''.
-
Did she bulk- bill you?
or did you only get the mastur-rebate ?
-
Kids know far too much these days.
Today in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls immitating
the doggy position.
I bent down & told her,"You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that.
She replied,"I don't think so,he's doing her up the arse"
-
The hard way to get a beer....
http://www.break.com/index/amazing-beer-bottle-dominoes.html
-
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems..
'Dactor, it's me ahrse I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look..
'Incredible', he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'
'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....
Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.
'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'
-
You're an eedyet! :D :D :D
-
T-Shirt I saw the other day.
I wish my lawn was an Emo'
So it would cut itself.
-
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Arkansas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked
At the three of them and said, "So ya'all want to be cops, huh?" The
blondes all nodded in the affirmative.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be
a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
Things such as distinguishing features and oddities, like scars and so Forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any
distinguishing features about this man?"
The blond immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first
blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of
Course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde
sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....", He flashed the photo
in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The
detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at
some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a
puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he
wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his
Picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only
One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
-
http://craphound.com/images/or2dv.jpg
-
http://craphound.com/images/or2dv.jpg
That would be a 'no' I take it ;D.
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/914.jpg)
-
A black baby was given a pair of wings by God. He asks "God does this
> mean that I am an angel?
> God laughs 'of course not you silly prick. You’re a fly!
>
> Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do I always
> get a hard on when I look at myself?"
> Wife says "Coz your cock thinks you’re a c%^t too"
>
>
> Why is there only one pall bearer at a Ragheads funeral?
> Because there’s only one handle on a wheelie bin!
>
>
> Talk about forking Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I recently came back
> from a tour of duty in Afghanistan ..
> Having not seen my wife for months I was looking forward to a night of
> hot passionate sex.
> Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel around her head
> so I shot her!
>
>
> Two blokes talking. Do you look at your wife's face when you make love?
> I did once and saw the anger in her face.
> Why anger?
> Because she was watching from the forking window.
>
>
> > Scientists found that many women develop " Hoover 's Disease" after a
> year of marriage.
> They make a continuous forking whining noise and don't suck anymore.
>
>
> Just watched "antiques road show".
> This old lady placed a used tampon on the table and said "There you go
> you clever bastard tell me what period that’s from"
>
>
-
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f?? kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
-
Ahhhh,all good stuff.
Scientists have recently discovered that the average weight for womens breasts is 1.5kgs.
They're yet to discover the average weight of a c#&t.
So, could you please pop on the scales and call me!
Chilean miner making love to his wife for the first time since released from under the ground....
"can we switch the lights off?"
"Of course,honey"
"can I have you from behind?"
"anything you want my brave boy."
"Ok,can I call you Pedro?"
A teacher asked her class to use the word handsome in a sentence
A blonde sticks her hand up and replies....
"When I'm sucking dick and my jaw gets sore,I use my handsome time."
-
Two more....
I had my first night with my new Thai bride...
We got into foreplay,and I was sucking her off,when I thought, "Hang on a f#@king minute !
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.
By the end you'll wish you had a f%#king club,and a spade!
-
Got a Chev badge on your Holden?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkeMvvm5sGA
-
Got a Chev badge on your Holden?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkeMvvm5sGA
My daughter was asking me about Chevy badgers on Holdens the other day: I don't think I'll refer her to this vid to further her education ::) ;D.
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/816.jpg)
That didn't end well did it? ;D
-
My closet gay friend drowned while he was on holiday in Egypt and no one can find him.
I think hes in denial.
;D ;D ;D ;D
-
A summary of the Battle of the Sexes ::).
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/1242.jpg)
-
Choose your number plate carefully ;) ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/818.jpg)
(Truth or PaintShop ::))
-
A good citizen
Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western Aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan.
He was standing on a jetty in Sydney Harbour.
He got so excited he lost his footing and fell in and could not swim.
Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.
By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.
I'm beginning to think, I've wasted a forking stamp!
-
Redundant sign ::).
(Not photoshopped; Britain today ;) :))
Ah, Australia, one day hot and humid, the next day perfect ;D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/_50364049_010803427-1.jpg)
-
Ken and Edna
Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Ken would say,
' Edna , I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied, 'I know Ken , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, ' Edna , I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't
charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'
Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know..................
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
-
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known.
Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3.. There are two theories to arguing with a woman .. . Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. ?The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10.. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/locoalvolante2.jpg)Thanks Firko, there's some classics there ;D.
How about;
"First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it."
or
"Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. "
Maybe we should do the VMX equivalents. ;) :D
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/1159.jpg)
-
Baywatch vid
http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=eYb3aQjWp78
-
That's a ripper classic Mainline. The boys have done well.
-
Baywatch vid
http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=eYb3aQjWp78
Fantastic,,execellent- send some this way :P 8)
cheers A
and some extreme fittness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFWf60ln8II&feature=player_embedded
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT000033.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT000077.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT000088.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT000099.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT0001010.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT0001111.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT0001212.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/4.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/3.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/2.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/merryXmas.jpg)
-
Baywatch vid
http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=eYb3aQjWp78
Just watched the interview with film editor on Sunrise..explosion on youtube with 25,000 hits . 8)
-
'Chinglish', now there’s a new word for you.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/talking_point/8220166.stm
-
A Blonde goes to Big W to buy a xmas tree.
The guy on the checkout asks if she's gonna put it up herself.
She replies "No, its going in the loungeroom you sick ****"!
-
Just heard the lifegaurd at the local pool was dismissed.
All he did was point out the no bombing sign the arabs
-
Man, I'm exhausted! Just spent all day painting the rocks in my front yard white.
I hope it was worth the effort - I really hope the Kiwi across the road challenges me to a snowball fight this Christmas.
-
Heard a good one the other day.
You should have been there...
This ones alright too.
Hubby comes home to see the wife watching the telly. She's watching a cooking show.
He laughs and says to her, ''why are you watching that for? You don't know how to cook!"
She turns to him and says " well you can talk. You're always watching porn".....
-
Hubby comes home to see the wife watching the telly. She's watching a cooking show.
He laughs and says to her, ''why are you watching that for? You don't know how to cook!"
She turns to him and says " well you can talk. You're always watching porn".....
:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;
Obiviously he couldn't dance ;D
-
What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Afghanistan?
A map!
-
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/kiwispeak.jpg)
-
While we are on the subject of kiwi's 8)
New Zealands most GOOGLE searched word is 'SHEEP' :o
Dont laugh cause Australia is second ! ;D ;D
-
While we are on the subject of kiwi's 8)
New Zealands most GOOGLE searched word is 'SHEEP' :o
Dont laugh cause Australia is second ! ;D ;D
lots of NZer's looking for a date
-
Brad's speaking from experience....worked for him ;)
-
Man goes for a walk in the New Zealand country side, sees a farmer behind a barn with one of his ewes. The man says thats a really nice sheep do you shear it? The farmer replies " NO I KEEP HER ALL FOR MYSELF "
-
2010 version
(http://i1199.photobucket.com/albums/aa474/090bvb/et.jpg)
-
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
-
The English lady dropped her purse of the edge of the railway platform onto the track.
She asked a railway porter to get it for her,
He answered "sorry Madam thats below my station."
cheers pancho
-
A young boy standing on the railway station platform said to his Mother... If big cows have little cows and big sheep have little sheep then why don't big trains have little trains?
I don't know why.. said his Mother, but you could ask the Station Master.
so the young boy went up to the Station Master and said... excuse me Sir... If big cows have little cows and big sheep have little sheep then why don't big trains have little trains?
Ah.. said the Station Master, that is because the big trains always pull out on time :D
-
Message for Agent Ponting :
Mission accomplished !
Return to England asap....
-
I think he might be a Double Agent.
I think Seigfried from "Chaos" got to him while Max and the Chief were busy!
-
Simple animation to explain complex principles:-
These are great mechanical principles...shows the greatness of the human mind
1: Aircraft Radial Engine
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_24A4D358AADB467EB18870B4E80CBC8BstuartPC.gif)
2: Oval Regulation
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_63591CA4275846AF84099BBA17FA8F81stuartPC.gif)
3: Sewing Machines
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_EEDCD9515D3F489982E59665DE8BDE5DstuartPC.gif)
4: Malta Cross movement - second hand movement used to control the clock
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_96CECEBA0E654F5C90091B3E0C4FAE38stuartPC.gif)
5: Auto Change file mechanism
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_1338191669C2449D84D508E595ABB293stuartPC.gif)
6: Auto Constant Velocity Universal Joint
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_DE5B6973EC954615B560858083D1B804stuartPC.gif)
7: Gun Ammunition loading system
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_7CBCC25471A5440688ED97957B561F66stuartPC.gif)
8: Rotary Engine - an internal combustion engine, the heat rather than the piston movement into rotary movement
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_28123817648842C2B12FDE64DBF60FACstuartPC.gif)
9: Inline Engine - it's cylinders lined up side by side
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_6F0DD48EBC9A43F2B30DC0B10CA70D29stuartPC.gif)
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_894BB77C12DE45B59062FDA8D95E84DAstuartPC.jpg)
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That sounds like most of the cars we work on now days- take one basic 4 cycle engine, hook up to a computor(management system) and it turns into a c#*t (Vagina) of a thing!!!
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Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2,000 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged British banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said: "We're shocked; we never knew we had a Library!!"
______________
63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack; a bunk bed collapsed.
Police are attributing the blame to AL IKEA.
______________
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
______________
Speaking of which, I've heard that Apple have scrapped plans for a new children's iPod after realising that iTouchKids is not a good product name.
______________
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sports shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me: "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back: " Manchester United."
______________
My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre. He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Grandad."
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
The child replied, "Grandad."
The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"
The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "Red wine and women with nice tits and long legs"
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Politically incorrect?
I walked past an abo sitting on the ground this arvo, & he said, "Any change
mate"?
I said no, you're still black.
_____________________________ ______________________________ _
I've just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop.
I only asked for a bomber jacket.
Touchy bastards.
_____________________________ ______________________________
I'm going to KFC for the Julia Gillard Meal deal tonight
2 small breasts, 2 large thighs, & a big red box.
_____________________________ ______________________________
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.
All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up, some of us have a home to go
to".
_____________________________ ______________________________
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 blokes then
dropped the mike on his foot & said "fork me".
What happened next will haunt me forever..
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
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I'm going to KFC for the Julia Gillard Meal deal tonight
2 small breasts, 2 large thighs, & a big red box.
you forgot to mention that the "big red box" has a Colonels face on it ;)
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Hey CG, I like the new avatar. I watched for ages and she never gets tired. Must be a fitness freak......... :D
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A wealthy family took their frail, elderly grandmother to a famous and expensive nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses luxuriously bathed her- fed her a tasty breakfast cooked by a famous chef, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.
The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Grandma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied.
"Except they won't let me fart."
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Not really a joke but a bit of a laugh:
Forget air marshals and pleading pursers subduing wayward airline passengers – when it comes to air rage you need a genuine macho man. I feigned death in Business Class and left air-rage resolution in the cheap seats to the big guy who needs his beauty sleep.
Heh! Business Class. No queues all the way to Frankfurt. Some legroom. Maybe even a bit of broken sleep if I drink enough port.
A few years ago Lufthansa Business Class was not a patch on the flat-bed facilities you get today, but at least it was a break from the cramped incessantly-broken nightmare in the back of the plane. Well, as it turns out, not a total break.
It’s two in the morning. I have, let us be truthful, not drunk water with dinner. Or, for some time, before. The wine was excellent. I am restful. A doze is in order. I am reluctantly awoken when the cabin chime rings with exaggerated urgency at two in the morning. Through the groggy cloud of partial consciousness, I’m waiting for what must surely be the captain’s announcement of imminent death and order to don life-jackets and/or oxygen masks. It doesn’t come.
It’s far worse.
Instead a tense voice delivers a crisp Teutonic announcement:
“Ladies und Chentelmen, ze Kapitan. If zere are anny military or police personnel on board, please make yourselves known to ze kabin crew immediately!”
I sink further into my costly seat. The commander has my attention, though I feign death in the darkened cabin. If there’s any calamity unfolding in the back of the aircraft, frankly it’s their problem. I wish no part of it. I can hear a bit of commotion in the rear of the plane, but my stillness is an award-winning approximation of a death in the family.
Another announcement comes over the PA telling us that unless someone with military or police expertise is available, we will have to land at the next available airport. At this stage we’re over Niger or Algeria or Chad or God-knows where. But it’s not anywhere you’d plan to spend the rest of the night. This is serious.
I am resolute. Heroically, I remain corpse-like. Two minutes pass and now a third hysterical dispatch from the flight deck ratchets up the tension on board as we slice through the dark African sky:
“Ladies und chentelmen, PLEASE! Anny military or police personnel please identify yourself to ze crew.”
Across the aisle the most spectacularly-built and tanned young man with a crew cut and tight-fitting white T-shirt slowly gets up and stretches his expensive steroid-fuelled muscles. He actually ripples and bulges like an advertisement for testosterone. He’s pissed off rather than scared – his costly Business Class slumber has been disturbed. He’s like Rambo, only meaner and bigger. Probably better spoken too. He’s so wide he has to shuffle sideways down the aisle.
He storms purposefully and crab-like down to the rear of the aircraft and soon after there’s the sound of breaking glass, exclamations, screams and what I suspect is collapsing bone and tearing flesh. Then silence.
I attempt to drain more blood from my face and press further into my seat. What calamity could have befallen our hero? Will I be next? Are we doomed? There is some more confused commotion and then the young Hercules strides triumphantly back to his seat, slumps disgruntled into it and falls asleep. His knuckles are bleeding.
The cabin chime rings again. It’s the captain.
“Ladies und Chentlemen,” he says professionally, “If zere are any medical personnel on board, please make yourselves known to ze kabin crew.”
I’m asleep in seconds.
And the sucker in steerage who got all aggro with the cabin staff is arrested as the aircraft door opens safe on the ground in Frankfurt. Business Class – it’s the business.
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Hey CG, I like the new avatar. I watched for ages and she never gets tired. Must be a fitness freak......... :D
She's a hypnotist . I was certainly hypnotised!
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Don't you mean hypo-tits, they're a bit saggy already
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Don't you mean hypo-tits, they're a bit saggy already
What are you on about? Saggy ! As if you could afford to be that fussy. They would look great on my face! Oh yeah. :P
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What are you on about? Saggy ! As if you could afford to be that fussy. They would look great on my face! Oh yeah. :P
[/quote]
I believe they would be called jowls then Brad.
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What are you on about? Saggy ! As if you could afford to be that fussy. They would look great on my face! Oh yeah. :P
I believe they would be called jowls then Brad.
[/quote]
:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :'( ;D :D :D ;D :'( :D ;D :D :D :'( :D ;D :D ;D :D :'( :
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While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the Melbourne, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
'Stupid Australian docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
-
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found ‘absolutely **** all’. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
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Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Sydney University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8 ) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
You have been warned ;) :D ;D
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/pic18467.jpg)
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Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
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A policeman in Adelaide pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.
He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".
The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.
On it was written:
"This man suffers from chronic asthma.
Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".
The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"
The man produced another letter.
This one said:
”This man is a hemophiliac.
Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".
So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".
The man produces a third letter from his pocket.
It read:
"This man plays cricket for Australia; please don't take the piss out of him"
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~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
There's an old school motocrosser off of this forum who rode his 'pushy' home after having his and then played raquetball that night..... :P
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This was sent to the usual suspects but I liked it that much I thought I'd share it with a wider audience!
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Ø If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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3 blokes where walking down the road when the see a sheep stuck head 1st in a fence,the australian says i wish that was elle macphearson,the pommie says i wish that was kate moss,the kiwi says i wish it was dark
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From a dirt bike add circa 77
SPEED KILLS ! ride a Yamaha
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Love this one...
A man was driving around the backwoods in USA somewhere when he saw a sign on a fence which said talking dog for sale. Intrigued he stopped to inquire. " You have a talking dog for sale?" "Yes, he's out the back." was the reply. Sure enough out the back was a golden labrador retriever. "Can you talk?" "Yep." was the reply. "So what's your story then?" "Well I learnt I could talk at a fairly young age and got a job with the CIA. I actually became their number 1 spy, travelling the world, sitting in with the Germans, Russians, etc as no-one ever suspected a dog of evesdropping. The travelling started to ge me down so I got a job at the airport. Not only could I sniff the drugs, but could listen in as well. Made some really good busts back then. After that I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm retired."
Impressed the man asked the dogs owner how much? "Ten dollars." "Ten dollars, that dog is amazing, why so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit!"
Cheers,
K
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BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.
NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000 CAR,SEVEN VINTAGE DIRT BIKES, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS! ;D
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Due to the popularity of facebook and the inevitable over crowding, they are moving all ethnic members to a new site and calling it junglebook ;D
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I've heard that 1 before but it's flawed, only works if you were born last century. If you take whole birthyear & this years age it equals 2011 though & will do all this century ::)
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My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"
I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake." ...............
.......... Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT111.jpg)
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image0011.jpg) ;D
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I was walking down the road when I noticed my Arab neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony, shaking a carpet. I yelled to him, "What's wrong Abdul? Won't it start?"
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Took a dyslexic woman home last night, told her what to do - she ended up cooking my sock!
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.
Just Fostered a Muslim kid.
All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.
Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke.
All I said was, "Golly, you're tall."
They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the beanstalk',in Birmingham .
Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, and Luton : because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
Muslim terrorists have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.
Years ago it was suggested that, 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away.'
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
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There was a bloke walking down the road swearing and spitting going #$@& I'm lucky to be alive! the coppers grabbed him and said mate you can't go around carrying on like that whats going on ? the bloke goes you see officer its like this i was walking down the lane over there and this giant of a man comes up and hold a gun to my head and says suck this or i will blow your head off , shit @#!& i'm lucky to be alive!!!!!!!!
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The Old Flame
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to
enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older
and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really
have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few
inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she
was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to fork off.
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Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely, Juliet
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT44447.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT44446.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/25b58658449afc404baa2eb217bed3fe.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT44438.jpg)
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Thanks for those last couple TM and Graham, just what I needed at the end of a tough week.
Cheers.
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(http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n289/bdavies_02/image005.jpg)
(http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n289/bdavies_02/image002.jpg)
(http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n289/bdavies_02/image001.jpg)
(http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n289/bdavies_02/image006.jpg)
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(http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs745.ash1/163715_10150130805141412_665511411_7792313_7844221_n.jpg)
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Islamic exremists have gone on a rampage in the Bankstown area of Sydney killing all non Muslim residents.
Police expect the death toll to reach 5.
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Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at just three Ho's.
Sincerely, Tiger Woods
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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – all he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary!!
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:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D :'( :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :'( :D ;D :D ;D :D
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Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – all he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary!!
Brad you should have your own prime time show!!
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A tight dress is like a barbed wire fence.
It protects the premises with out restricting the view.
Marriage is like getting into a hot bath tub. After a while it aint so hot.
I was walking down the road when I saw my Arab neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him " What's wrong Abdul? Won't it start?
Sex is the price women pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men pay for sex!
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Sex is the price women pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men pay for sex!
;) ;D
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Englishman Scottsman and an Irishman were discussing closing time in their respective pubs.
Englishman says" at closing time we all drink up and go home"
Scottsman says " at closing time we put a beer on the bar and we all fight to see who drinks it"
Irishman says" Your pubs are shyte, in an Irish pub you pay for the first drink then you get shouted drinks all night long then
at closing time they take you up stairs and you get laid."
The Englishman say,s " what a load of tripe paddy, has this ever happened to you?"
The Irishman replies " no but it happened to my sister"
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http://attitude.adforum.com/top5/2010/01/27/aides-graffiti-tbwaparis/
;D
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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
Don't mind this one either....
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
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Brad, where do you get this shit!!! :D :D :D
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My Wifes Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
My Diary:
Parts from the U.S. still haven't turned up yet, and I cant get the bloody Husky to start, can't figure out why , got a root though .
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Brad, where do you get this shit!!! :D :D :D
Other forum members mainly :D
-
Good one Fat, I think we can all relate to that.
We are so misunderstood.
-
Brad, where do you get this shit!!! :D :D :D
Other forum members mainly :D
Exhumed from the crypt, more like.... ;)....and a few old favourites from the mcnews.com giggle file...
Keep 'em coming, son... ;D
-
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed
-
That's worse than watching Fox Sport. The only game foxes play is the hunt -and they always seem to lose, outnumbered I believe.
-
THIS IS SO SCARY THAT THEY ARE HERE AND THEY EXIST!!!!”
Even in Australia
IDIOT SIGHTINGS.
I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but
they could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me
back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady,
you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich, Qld.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local
council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING
sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
I went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
I asked the
person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our
car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door.
As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that
it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply,
'I know. I already got that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...
-
*Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch *
> *standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of **airliners,
> military jets and the space shuttle, **all traveling **at maximum
> velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of
> collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
> windshields.***
>
> British engineers heard about the gun and were eager*
> * to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
> **Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the
> British engineers. **When the gun was fired, the engineers stood
> shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the
> shatterproof ** shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through
> the control *console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and
> *embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow **shot
> from a bow.
>
> The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results
> *of the experiment, along with the designs of the
> *windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
>
> NASA responded with a one-line memo --*
> **
> **
> **
> **
> *"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)
-
Ah, talking about Significant Others and Idiots ::), if you do a resto pit bike for your Significant Other you might like to try this idea....
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/img_0051.jpg) ;D
-
IDIOT SIGHTING:
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...
Welcome GEORGE
-
I asked for half a dozen chicken nuggets at a takeaway shop the other day,
The guy told me they only have six or twelve..............
-
Lucky you didn't ask for a "bakers dozen", probably would have said that they were fried, not baked :D :D
-
TEDDY YOU ARE THE IDIOT!!! ;D PEOPLE WHO KNOW OF YOU
HAVE CONFIRMED THIS AND YES YOU AREN'T THE FELLA THAT
I SPOKE WITH AT CD7 WHO THEN OWNED YOUR 9K :D KX HE
WAS A DECENT FELLA UNLIKE YOURSELF :'(
YAMAHA YZ465 9K :D :D :D
KAWASAKI KX500 9K :D :D :D
-
HE WAS A DECENT FELLA UNLIKE YOURSELF :'(
Hey #29 has a fan!!! ;D
-
That # 29 guy gets all the fan ( male )
So are you coming to Buladelah or not Georgy....Don`t be shy.
Hell i`ll even let you ride my KX
-
Lucky you didn't ask for a "bakers dozen", probably would have said that they were fried, not baked :D :D
That would stuff them completely! :D :D :D :D
-
A retired man went into Centrelink in Frankston and saw an advertisement for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist’s examination. The annual salary is $85,000, and you'll have to go to Mount Isa, Queensland."
"Good grief, is that where the job is?"
"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2xnWYx8YK8&feature=player_embedded
-
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning
on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......
'F**k off' . she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
-
That's a beauty Mick :D
-
Do a China search on the forum and you come up with titles like...
Demise of manufacturing in Aus
Chiness Motocross Bikes
Looking for a job
Chinese Shocks
and Global Crisis .....but one things for sure, thay are sold on this from us !!!
They have just gone live in China ;D
Geez I love Australia ;D 8) No other bugger could come up with something like this!! Enjoy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-MucVWo-Pw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdOeS_bJzE0&feature=related
-
More Idiot stuff.
Question in the application for a disability support pension. This form is standard for EVERYONE.
Are you under 21 and are you applying for a disability support pension? [tick one box]
Yes
No
This is a real question and these people run this country. :o
-
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me get up? I'm starving."
-
Whats the difference between your wife and a battery????????????????
The battery has a positive side
-
Today, just like every other morning, I walked into the kitchen to get my breakfast and I found my wfe passed out on the floor not breathing.
I immediately went into a panic and for a while I couldn't think of what to do next.
Then I remembered.
Macca's do breakfast until 10.30.
-
With 75 pages I'm sure it's been said but...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About 30kg...
-
What's the most fattening food on the planet?? Wedding cake....
-
My wife has started using a new contraceptive at 50 years of age.
Flanalette pyjamas.
-
With 75 pages I'm sure it's been said but...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About 30kg...
yes ,but now its 45kg ;D ;D
cheers A
-
>> RAY THE POOFTA !!!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> He goes into the doctor's office and
>> has some tests run.
>>
>>
>>
>> The doctor comes back and says, '
>> Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'
>>
>>
>>
>> Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what
>> can I do?
>>
>>
>>
>> Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of
>> cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno
>> peppers,
>>
>>
>>
>> 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box
>> of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice..'
>>
>>
>>
>> Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure
>> me, Doc?'
>>
>>
>>
>> Doc says, No, but it should leave you
>> with a better understanding of what your arse is for.
>>
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/jerry.gif) Ya got me :D. I wasn't expecting that punch line Mick - I was thinking it was going to be another wife joke ;D.
-
So very Politically Incorrect and bigoted - but bloody true - and funny. Good for a smirk on Thursday morning.................. ;D
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even"A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out..
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots (You gotta love them!!) have raised their threat level from
"Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."They don't have any other
levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the
British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide.." The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and
"The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of
the final escalation level.
-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
-
whats the difference between your wife and a terrorist
at least you can negotiate with a terrorist
-
In the new aids ward the nurses have been told to order and feed them only pizza.
When asked if it was best for them the reply was "no, but it's what fits under the door!"
-
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
Harold Schlumberg is such a person.
“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages into piss”
Harold should be an inspiration to all of us. :D ;D
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
-
Bloke in a night club sees a big fat girl at the bar, he walks up to her and asks;
"Have you got a pen?"
She looks up and smiled and says;
"Yes"
"Well" he says; "you'd better fork off back to it then before the farmer finds you're missing".
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
-
Thought this was worth sharing. From another forum member :)
PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS
TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES
BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO
-
this is an ad i saw in local paper yesterday ( fair dinkum ??? )
house cleaning - i come to you ::)
-
Remembering the Harley threads from a ew months ago, I choose to believe that this guy was OK...
(http://chivethethrottle.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/burning-racer-0.jpg?w=920&h=461)
-
That got the attention of all the other guys Nathan.
-
Gives a whole new meaning to a Shit Hot Harley - it normally means they are 50% shit and 50% hot.
That Harley is just plain HOT ;D
-
DAZ n BAZ.... Queenslanders will appreciate this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2brDNo23ic&feature=youtube_gdata_player (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2brDNo23ic&feature=youtube_gdata_player)
-
That got the attention of all the other guys Nathan.
Number 53 still has his race face on ;)
-
Brings new meaning to firing up on the start line :o
-
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on
the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in
Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side
on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection" said the man.
"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
-
(http://i677.photobucket.com/albums/vv132/mc125mick/cid_E7233922D0C1426A8033FF23D02F34D7pc.jpg?t=1297771436)
-
Sadly a young Arab kid from Lebkemba tried to set himself on fire the other day using 1/2 lite of petrol.
The local community have rallied together and are asking for donations to help his family.
So far we've managed to raise 205 litres.
-
A Pom on holidays at Ularu sneaks over to take a leak with Morton behind the Coolabah tree.
Pom can’t help spying Morton’s Jewelery. “ Oh my lord! If only I had one like that” Pom exclaims.
Morton says “ Hey,,,,, no prob bro,, just hang a brick from it for a week bro”
Morton runs into Pom a week latter, and says “Hey,,,,, bro,,,, ,, how you go with that brick bro?????"
Pom replies, "Ooooh owe Ooh,,,,,, I am half way there,,,,, Its turned black".
-
An Indian guy walks into Franklins.
Excuse me miss I have found a name for your no name toilet paper.
it should be called John Wayne cos it dont take no sh!t from no indians
-
For people who like words!
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again
invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam paper.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men
and Vulvoline when personal lubrication is required (you know what I mean)
-
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Australia
they decided to send it to Julia Gillard.
Gillard was so amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
She thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it
through Canberra and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.
-
BUM DRILLER (http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y46/EvilAzz/bumdriller.jpg)
-
I have to ask the obviuos question Lozza.
What were you looking for when you stumbled across that?
-
Was just send in the 'this weeks shit off the net' file
-
Geez and we are spending money on curing aids ::) :-\
cheers A
-
A Book Recommendation
A man goes into his local bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book that’s out … for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one … I'll take a copy."
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/test/public-gay-test.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/test/128933044710369640.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/test/128871078823670012.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/test/gay-test-gay-test-hot-chick-tiffany-toth-demotivational-poster-1259703084.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/test/80696460.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/test/80664434.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/test/gay-test-demotivational-poster-1211361148.jpg)
-
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at
the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do
not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that! I really don't think you should make him mad. 'Rubbish,' replied
the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew
the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about
200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, ' If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his
shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
-
'' FATHER OF THE YEAR "
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "
He replied, " No. I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints. " ;D
-
A man woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof, so he looked in the Yellow Pages amd sure enough, there was an ad for "Bear Removers"...
He called the number, and the bear remover said he'd be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do ?" the homeowner asked.
"I'm going to put this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage on the back of the van."
He handed the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for ?" asked the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the f**king dog !" :D
-
6 Degrees of Blonde
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
moment
and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung
up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in
the
mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second
blonde
says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the
compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.
-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9
unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
dog,
then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find
all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
-
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
-
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/clapping-1.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/laughing6-hehe.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/clapping-1.gif)
-
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.'That sure is a nice fire
truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.'
Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think
you could go faster.
The little girl replied thoughtful, 'You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.'
-
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced.....
True story: an obnoxious American was in a queue at Heathrow, when he finally made it to the head of the queue he started berating the ground hostess, finishing with: "this must be the arsehole of the world". The hostess smiled sweetly and replied: "and we're just passing through are we sir?"".
-
DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
-
Stan S.........................................that is GOLD
-
Church Ladies With typewriters . . .
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell ' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.
-
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?'
she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK,
you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
-
Call Centre Conversations
| Customer: | 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?' |
| Operator: | 'Where did you get that number from, sir?' |
| Customer: | 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre.' |
| Operator: | 'Errrrrm, they are our opening hours, sir.' |
| ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- |
| Samsung Electronics |
| Caller: | 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?' |
| Operator: | 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.' |
| Caller: | 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?' |
| Operator: | 'Ah. I think it means the telephone point on the wall.' |
| ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- |
| RAC Motoring Services |
| Caller: | 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?' |
| Operator: | 'Doesn't the product name give you a clue?' |
| ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- |
| Caller: | (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): |
| 'If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?' |
| ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- |
| Directory Enquiries |
| Caller: | 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please.' |
| Operator: | 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?' |
| Caller: | 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.' |
| ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- |
| Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. |
| Operator: | 'Woven? Are you sure?' |
| Caller: | 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland.' |
| ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- |
| On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: |
| 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.. |
| ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- |
| Computer Helplines |
| Tech_Support: | 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.' |
| Customer: | 'OK.' |
| Tech Support: | 'Did you get a pop-up menu?' |
| Customer: | 'No.' |
| Tech Support: | 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?' |
| Customer: | 'No.' |
| Tech Support: | 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?' |
| Customer: | 'Sure.. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''. |
| ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- |
| Tech Support: | 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?' |
| Customer: | 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?' |
| ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- |
| Caller: | 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?' |
| (Don't laugh too hard - how many of us have fleetingly thought of that in desperation? |
| ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- |
| There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he sued the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'. |
| Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): |
| Operator: | 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' |
| Caller: | 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.' |
| Operator: | 'What sort of trouble??' |
| Caller: | 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' |
| Operator: | 'Went away?' |
| Caller: | 'They disappeared.' |
| Operator: | 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?' |
| Caller: | 'Nothing.' |
| Operator: | 'Nothing??' |
| Caller: | 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' |
| Operator: | 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??' |
| Caller: | 'How do I tell?' |
| Operator: | 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??' |
| Caller: | 'What's a sea-prompt?' |
| Operator: | 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?' |
| Caller: | 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.' |
| Operator: | 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??' |
| Caller: | 'What's a monitor?' |
| Operator: | 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??' |
| Caller: | 'I don't know.' |
| Operator: | 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??' |
| Caller: | 'Yes, I think so.' |
| Operator: | 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. |
| Caller: | 'Yes, it is.' |
| Operator: | 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??' |
| Caller: | 'No.' |
| Operator: | 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable...' |
| Caller: | 'Okay, here it is.' |
| Operator: | 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' |
| Caller: | 'I can't reach.' |
| Operator: | 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??' |
| Caller: | 'No.' |
| Operator: | 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??' |
| Caller: | 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.' |
| Operator: | 'Dark??' |
| Caller: | 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.' |
| Operator: | 'Well, turn on the office light then.' |
| Caller: | 'I can't.' |
| Operator: | 'No? Why not??' |
| Caller: | 'Because there's a power failure.' |
| Operator: | 'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??' |
| Caller: | 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.' |
| Operator: | 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from..' |
| Caller: | 'Really? Is it that bad?' |
| Operator: | 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' |
| Caller: | 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??' |
| Operator: | 'Tell them you're too fecking stupid to own a computer!!!!!' |
-
Just figured out what to do with the stuff that clogs up the exhaust on 2/strokes.
Put it in a bucket and give it to the tax man.
Apparently they need all the carbon they can get.
-
(http://i753.photobucket.com/albums/xx172/mike52_photo/securedownload.jpg)
-
Not sure if this has been on yet or not.
Mate Match
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the
funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) ‘Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
Brian: ' Sarah.'
DJ: 'Is Sarah at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?
Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for
couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh..' .’
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
You listen to this.' [3 minutes of commercials follow.]
DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah:'12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Well...'
DJ: ‘Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?’
Sarah: 'Up the arse....’
They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions!
-
A couple living in a small Midlands village take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.
After her husband had gone off to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to darts, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"
The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"
"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy privates.
After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before."
"I know," he replied, "but the darts team hadn't!"
-
three men where on a train-an american cowboy,a muslem and an american indian.the cowboy was just sitting back in his seat with his hat over his eyes,when the muslem stated -when we arrived we where few but now we are many,what do you infidels think of that!the indian said once we where many but now are few.the cowboy is ignoring the conversation when the muslem said what about you we are many now he again stated ,well said the cowboy thats because we havnt started on cowboys and muslems
-
Seen around the KKK kompound at CD7 ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Mail17171717.jpg)
-
IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's own ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a Tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
3. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
-
A Kiwi walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."
The guy replies, "Im not forking talking to you."
-
How did your wife take it :D
You aren't a Kiwi but I bet you wish you were. With all those hot sheep running around naked mmmmm. Humans are alright, but you can't beat the real thing. Bill?:D
Hey, you know what's funny? Watching Jackie Mac doing the starts yesterday :D :D
I just realised what was funnier. A guy on an RM250 T flipping it at the start of practise. He was about your build.....
-
I saw that..... ;D...what a homo.... ;D
-
I saw that..... ;D...what a homo.... ;D
You can talk. There seems to be a lot of man love going on with your signature there...homo :-*
-
;D ;D ;D
-
Hey, you know what's funny? Watching Jackie Mac doing the starts yesterday :D :D
Hey I resemble that remark :D ;D
-
Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.
'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'
Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike.She said, 'Here, you try on mine !
Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'
Karen said, 'Exactly.
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'
-
Hey, you know what's funny? Watching Jackie Mac doing the starts yesterday :D :D
Are you talking about when she was standing there calmly listening to her ipod and tapping her foot, while everyone in the pits was yelling at her to take the elastic strap down from across the main straight ;D
-
Hey, you know what's funny? Watching Jackie Mac doing the starts yesterday :D :D
Are you talking about when she was standing there calmly listening to her ipod and tapping her foot, while everyone in the pits was yelling at her to take the elastic strap down from across the main straight ;D
For one yeah. And when she unhooked the rubber band and it made her run and she started tripping for another. Then she did it again...and again... :D
-
In my defence gentleman, that was no rubber band, it was a bloody bungie cord :D ;D
-
And she wasnt even pissed..... ;D...."the Jackie walk".....I wonder if it will catch on? ;D
-
> A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about
> to jump off a bridge so they stop.
> The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
> doing?"
> "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
> While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
> opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
> Kiss?"
> So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
> After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
> have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
>
> Why are you committing suicide?"
> "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
>
>
>
>
>
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/roll-1.gif)
Didn't see that coming :D.
-
I recently opened a cafe in Japan, business started off a bit shaky, but customers are starting to drift in.
-
You cleaned that one up a bit Mick.
-
;D
-
Arthur is 81 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement
16 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it" he tells his wife "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.
Once I've hit the ball I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes.
As they sit down, she makes a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother
with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 93 years old. He can't help."
"He may be a ninety three" says the wife "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember."
-
:D Gold !! :D
-
That's a peach.
-
And she wasnt even pissed..... ;D...."the Jackie walk".....I wonder if it will catch on? ;D
Perhaps Joan could work it into her routine :D
-
I just realised what was funnier. A guy on an RM250 T flipping it at the start of practise. He was about your build.....
Nothing like launching into a back flip on the main straight for the crowd!! Nearly made it!!! NOT.
-
My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone and jewelry to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house".
Well, she didn't exactlly put it like that.
Actually she said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ssXJtzFOjA&feature=player_embedded
Alan, Alan Alan ;D
-
Slawesy ... they have a 5 speed gearbox ; ;D
Jackie ... I must admit you put on a good show ;)
-
Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."
-
I said: "Send me a 25 years old escort for the night !"…
(http://i991.photobucket.com/albums/af39/gf079/image001.jpg)
-
Subject: husband down
>
> On the Public Address system:
> 'Cleanup in aisle 25, we have a husband down.'
>
> Husband Down
> A husband and wife are shopping when the husband
> picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
> 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
> 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
> 'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the
> wife, and so they carry on shopping.
> A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a
> $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
> What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
> 'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,'
> replies the wife.
> Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and
> it's half the price.'
> He never knew what hit him.
>
>
>
>
-
Muslim TV
6.00: G-Had TV.
Morning prayers.
8.30: Talitubbies.
Talitubbies say "Eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.
9.00: Shouts of Praise.
More prayers.
10.00: The Apprentice.
Ten young Muslims complete a variety of tasks each week - one of them will be recruited by prominent Islamist leader Muqtada al-Sadr into a top position in the Mahdi Army.
11.00: Jihad's Army.
The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.
12.30: Panoramadan.
The programme reports on America's attempts to take over the world.
13.30: Xena.
Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.
14.00: Only Fools and Camels.
Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.
14.30: Green Peter.
The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.
15.00: Madrasah Challenge.
Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.'
15.30: I Love 629.
A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00: Question Time.
Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.
16.30: Countdown.
Can the American prisoners defuse the bomb in their cell before the timer runs down?
17.00: Koranation Street.
Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30: Middle-East Enders.
The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behaviour.
18.00: Holiday.
The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30: Top of the Prophets.
Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?
19.00: Who wants to be a Muhajadin?
Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions. Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00: FILM: Shariah's Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30: Big Brother.
Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?
22.00: Imam Ted.
Sitcom about three imams who live on a tiny island in the Persian Gulf. This week, Imam Dhuga'il accidentally burns down the mosque, while Imam Jakh is stoned to death for drinking alcohol.
22.30: Shahs in their Eyes.
More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.
23.30: They think it's Allah over.
Quiz culminating in the 'Don't feel the Mullah' round.
Midnight: When Imams Attack.
Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.
00:.30: The West Bank Show.
Arts programme looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.
01.30: Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
02.00: A book at bedtime.
The Koran. Again.
-
:D Ripper ! :D
-
Something there for everyone really :D
-
You forgot a few... ;D
I.E.D Crime scene instigators
Some Martyrs do 'ave em
Fatwa Towers
Top Gear (also a car show where the three presenters try to find drivable "bombs" for less than $1000)
-
;D ;D ;D
-
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!"Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says 'you no nissan main dealer?
-
Groan......took a while but I got there ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
To be topical and completely insensitive and politically incorrect (who me ::))......
Do you know why the Japanese tsunami did so much damage and went so far inland?
It's because water always picks up speed running down slopes.
-
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.
The publican says, "I can't let you in without a Thai. "
-
URGENT! BREAKING NEWS FROM LIBYA........
??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ????. ? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ??
??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ????. ? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ??
??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ????. ? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ??
??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ????. ? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ??
????. ? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ??
I’ll let you know if I hear anything else…
-
There's an annual contest at Texas A&M University - calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was: "Political Correctness"
The winner wrote:
"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of crap by the clean end. "
I concur.
-
POLITE WAY of CALLING SOMEONE A BASTARD
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting
his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said,"You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them...
-
Saudi couple, Ahmed and Leyla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their
Mullah for counselling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men,
and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your
permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance
separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK
within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allah Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle
of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a
porno video?"
"You may indeed.. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing!"
-
A man applying for a job at a Mildura Lemon Orchard seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
He replied: "I've been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a Yamaha SC500, a Maico Spyder, a Beta video player and took up both Telstra floats. Then I voted for Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard. How am I doing so far?"
He got the job!
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/file002.jpg)
-
Another thread talks about VMX and our ages. I quess some of the common acronyms will need a bit of a tweek.
SENIORS TEXTING CODE And NET SPEAK
ATD-At The Doctors.
BFF-Best Friend Fell.
BTW-Bring the Wheelchair.
BYOT-Bring Your Own Teeth.
FWIW-Forgot Where I Was.
GGPBL-Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low.
GHA-Got Heartburn Again.
IMHO-Is My Hearing-Aid On
LMDO-Laughing My Dentures Out.
OMMR-On My Massage Recliner.
OMSG-Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLACGU-Rolling On Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up.
TTYL-Talk To You Louder
Ed
-
OK, while seniors are the target--
A septegenarian [thats a gent in his seventies to u lot], came home from golf and complained 'its to anoying going to golf because I can no longer see where the ball went'.
Wifey says ' take my brother next time he can watch where it goes.'
'But he's 98, still then he HAS got sharp eyes'.
Back at the course golf addict belts the ball a beauty & says to brother in law
'did you see where it went'
Answer comes 'yes' '
'where is it'
'I forget'.
-
oi senor puncho,reply 1182 :P
-
Subject: The Golfer
He left home around 8:30 to play golf with his friends. On the way out the door, he answered his wife's "What time will you be home?" question with "Probably around 1:30 - I'll have lunch at the club."
1:30 came and went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00 PM he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.
We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home.
His wife looked him right in the eye and said "Don't bullshit me -- you played 36 holes, didn't you?"
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/Vids/th_WineOpener2.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/Vids/?action=view¤t=WineOpener2.mp4)
-
Thank for that one, mx250. Reminds me of the old one:
"What do you call a girl who can suck a tennis ball down a garden hose?"
" . . . Darling."
-
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment. He proudly went
down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she
started up a conversation with him.
As they talked her robe slipped open. It was obvious that she had nothing
else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my
apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature ?'
Flustered and embarrassed he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded and hurt she asked, 'My ears ? Look at these breasts, they are a
full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and
solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How
can you think that the best part of my body is my ears ?'
Clearing his throat he stammered, 'Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming.......that was me !'
-
Hmmmmmmmmmm,
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Mail3333.jpg)
-
Q. What's the worst thing about oral sex?
A. The view.
-
Q. What's the worst thing about oral sex?
A. The view.
Personally i dont find the view of the top of a womans head that bad ;)
-
Q. What's the worst thing about oral sex?
A. The view.
Personally i dont find the view of the top of a womans head that bad ;)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/behindsofa.gif) Talk about soooo politically incorrect ::)..........
.....but sooooo funny.(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/laughing6-hehe.gif)
You're a bracer man than I am Gunda Dinh ;).
-
Actually if you can convince her to wear one of those floating drinks holders on her head you can rest your beer and the view is then very acceptable ;)
PC was invented by some delusional fool who convinced themselves you can pick up a Turd by the nice end ???
-
perfect woman 3`tall with a flat head -somewhere to put your stubbie,then turns into a 6pack and a kilo of prawns at midnight
-
A long read, but amusing:
http://www.27bslash6.com/function4sports.html
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/25b58658449afc404baa2eb217bed3fe.jpg)
-
Another 'oldie but a goodie.'
Koshie goes to the Olympic trials, mike in hand and walks up to this fellow and says
"are you a pole vaulter?
he answers.... wait for it...
" No I'm German, but how do you know my name?"
cheers pancho.
-
Really ? I heard that happened at a vmx sidecar nats... :D
-
Q - Why are pubic hars curly?
A - So they don't poke you in the eye.
-
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they
struck up a conversation...
The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you
here?' The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a pisser. I p!ss on everything...
the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last
night when I p!ssed in the middle of my owner's bed.'
The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'. 'Gonna cut my
nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab.
'They reckon it'll calm me down".
The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, 'Why are you
here?'
The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the Hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up
the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big
hole in my owner's couch.'
'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired. 'Looks
like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said.
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you
here?'
'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.
I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of
the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help
myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away'.
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So,
nuts off for you too, huh?'
The black Lab said... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'
_____
-
Been trying to remember a song i was taught as a kid , its sung to the tune of magic moments :)
can somone fill in the missing lines versus ???
I'll never forget the smell of the sweat,
From under her armpits
the smell of her crotch was to forking much
????????????????????????????????????
It wasn't the grass that tickled her arse,
But my little finger.
???????????????????????????????
Magic moments, when our two hearts are sharing,
Magic moments, filled with love.
I'll never forget the faggot I met,
On Waterloo station,
He gave me a chew, I'll do it for you,
Oh what a sensation.
Remember the night I fell in the shite,
With me brand new suit on.
The one that I got for selling the lot,
Of me Embassy coupons.
Chorus
Just for a laugh I went down the park,
And pissed on the flowers,
You sat on a rock and played with me cock,
For hours and hours.
Magic moments when our two hearts are sharing,
Magic moments filled with love
We went to the sea I knew it would be,
A time of emotion,
We laid on the sand my prick in your hand,
I pissed in the ocean.
We went for a ride, side by side,
We developed a wobble,
We fell on the grass I played with your arse,
You gave me a gobble
Chorus
-
:o :-[
-
http://elrellano.com/videos_online/4624/circo-roncalli.html
-
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks..
The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.
Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up
He wakes the senior and then hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
You know you're going to send this one on . . . . .don't muck around with seniors!!!!
-
Phone rings..............woman answers................ ......pervert breaths, " Have you got a bald tight banana?"
Woman replies" Yes. He's on the couch. Who shall I say is calling?"
-
A wife says to her husband your always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what the f--k do you expect, your in a wheel chair.
My girlfriend threw me out because she caught me measuring the size of my penis !! How petty is that.
Anyway it turns out it just reaches the back of her sisters throat.
-
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
-
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D
-
My wife tried to be a bit sexy last night by shoving a lollipop up her fanny !! I told her to watch what she was doing because she would need it to see the kids across the road in the morning.
-
Stop it :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D
-
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper
for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired."
-
(http://i1199.photobucket.com/albums/aa474/090bvb/easter.jpg)
-
Read the description some ideas here for selling bikes.
http://cgi.ebay.com.au/MITSUBISHI-EXPRESS-L300-VAN-MOTOR-ENGINE-GEARBOX-4G64-/120715202939?pt=AU_Cars&hash=item1c1b2fd17b
-
what's the difference between a low sperm count and Osama bin Laden?
one is dead in dads bag--and the other is dead in Baghdad!!!!
-
Elton John has been asked to sing at Osama funeral but instead of "Candle in the wind"
But the words have been changed to "sandles in the Bin"
-
Too good, too fast EML :D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/jerry.gif)
-
R.I.P. Osama Bin Laden, world hide & seek champion 2001 - 2011.
-
Queensland opposition leader speaks up for Wayne Bennett
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYJ-Rz8BGNM&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYJ-Rz8BGNM&feature=player_embedded)
-
yep, that sums up Qld. love it!
not only we have bindi's in the grass, but we get blighted to boot ;D if only Hitler wore a dress, they would be sisters
Cheers Worms
-
Queensland opposition leader speaks up for Wayne Bennett
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYJ-Rz8BGNM&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYJ-Rz8BGNM&feature=player_embedded)
Bloody funny Firko!!!
-
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"
Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away..
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling
-
After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps on his willy,
so he goes to the doctors.
“That’s serious” says the doctor. “You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport , President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London , where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace , waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.
-
Top Four Adult Jokes of 2010
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby
and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart
is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lies down for bed,
the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here
naked as jaybirds fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
-
THE SENSITIVITY OF SENIORS..
>
> This letter was sent to the LionsBay School Principal's office in West
> Geelong after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
>
> An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize
> and was writing to say thank you.
>
> This story is a credit to all humankind.
>
> Dear Lions Bay School ,
>
> God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior
> Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Geelong Home for
> the Aged.
>
> All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you
> for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
>
> My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never
> let me listen to it.
>
> She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted
> to keep it safe.
>
> The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen
> pieces.
>
> It was awful and she was in tears.
>
> She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could
> tell her to fork off.
>
> Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
>
> God bless you all.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Edna
>
-
The winner made me laugh out loud in the shop with customers around. ;D
-
Statistics show that one in twenty people live next to a convicted paedophile.
Not me, I live next door to two hot twelve year olds...
-
Have a go :) i got her 614 metres :)
http://www.slapapollie.com/game/1/Gillard
-
Ha Ha 686m :D
-
615m but then I nearly threw the mouse out of the showroom :o :o :o
-
693m, all that surfing during work hours really pays off ;D
-
I love this . Big Deck!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nz82fjXqFQ4 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nz82fjXqFQ4)
-
Have a go :) i got her 614 metres :)
http://www.slapapollie.com/game/1/Gillard
Only 400 and couldn,t lay a hand on Kevin , woe is me.
-
Brad. Look up the one on cork soakers-even better. But that one is a beauty too.
-
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and they won't function. ::) :P
-
Irish Sawmill Accident
Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.
One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."
Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
-
My wife's birthday was coming up and she kept talking about iPhones, iPads, iPod she even mention an i30 at one stage which I think is a car.
So I took the hint and bought her a lovely iRon.
-
I had my first night with my new Thai bride. We got into some foreplay and I was sucking her off when I thought,........."Hang on a fu-kin minute....."
-
I had my first night with my new Thai bride. We got into some foreplay and I was sucking her off when I thought,........."Hang on a fu-kin minute....."
She was Vietnamese?
-
Went for a routine check up yesterday. All was fine until he stuck his index finger up my a*** .
Do you think I should change dentists?
-
A guy goes out with his mates on Fri arvo for a few drinks.
He rings his wife to tell her he'll be a bit late and she tell's him not to be too late because she's cooking a special dinner.
At 1am he tells his mates that he's in the shit and most come up with the usal excuses when one mate say's, just do what I do, sneak in, go sown on your missus and keep licking until the moaning stops.
I'll do it he say's.
He sneaks in the back door and goes up stairs, sides into bed and starts going for it.
30 min later the moaning stops.
He's thirsty by this stage and goes down stairs for a drink, he finds the light on in the kitchen and his wife sitting there.
She say's,
Oh, you're home, be quiet when you go upstairs because Mum's staying over and she's sleeping in our room, :P ;D :P
-
Why is it great to make love to a woman in her forties?
Because they.....
Don't yell
Don't tell
Don't swell
and are gratefull as all hell
-
Don't forget KT, a lot of us are over 50, a woman in her 40's sounds bloody good to me.
-
Don't forget KT, a lot of us are over 50, a woman in her 40's sounds bloody good to me.
I am 53 so I know what you mean.... Wait a minute my wife is in her forties!!!! Oh Dear (calling) can you give me a moment please..
-
http://www.wimp.com/animatoranimation/
Shouldn't the Joke Thread be a sticky or in it's own section?
-
A young bloke I worked with once said to me about the previous subject-
Quote: When I was 20 I was not interested in looking at any female over 19.
At thirty five any under 35 was worth a look.
Now that I'm 60 the field is excellent!
cheers pancho.
-
A young Bull & an old Bull standing on a hill.
Young Bull says, look at all those Cow's down there, let's run down & shag one of them.
Off you go says the old Bull, I'm going to walk down & shag them all.
-
A young Bull & an old Bull standing on a hill.
Young Bull says, look at all those Cow's down there, let's run down & shag one of them.
Off you go says the old Bull, I'm going to walk down & shag them all.
There's a life lesson for everyone in that joke ;)
-
A young bloke I worked with once said to me about the previous subject-
Quote: When I was 20 I was not interested in looking at any female over 19.
At thirty five any under 35 was worth a look.
Now that I'm 60 the field is excellent!
cheers pancho.
I'm 50 now and recently scored a 25 year old, half my age! - why that hasn't happened since I was 20.
-
Does your wife know about that?
-
The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling a nother bar stool up close to me and sitting down.
She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.. .
'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 16, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the School Finals in front of a crowd of about 15000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it... I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and.......... '
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a w isp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!
She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Arse : Have you ever felt such a perfect c**t?'
'I certainly have' I answered . . . . ... 'I missed the kick.'
-
Hey Guys, I got a joke about being schizophrenic ...
-
Hey Guys, I got a joke about being schizophrenic ...
Well? We're waiting ...
-
That's great.
Now... Got any that are funny?
-
Did you here the one about the prostitute in a pepper colony.
Business was dropping off.
Boom Boom.
I meant L L Lepper.
-
Did you here the one about the prostitute in a pepper colony.
Business was dropping off.
Boom Boom.
That joke is nothing to sneeze at! Was it perhaps meant to read 'leper' rather than 'pepper'? :D
-
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hairand impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him"You a gonna try again."
-
why did the leper leave the party? because he was sick of people dipping jatz in his back
-
what do you call a leper in a hot bathy? soup
-
Viagra are changing to maroon tablets as blue ones have been soft for 5yrs and need to harden up.
-
Viagra are changing to maroon tablets as blue ones have been soft for 5yrs and need to harden up.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/clapping-1.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/emot-laugh.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/clapping-1.gif)
-
The latest toy has hit the shops-- a talking Muslim doll.
Nobody knows what the hell it says, because no one has the balls to pull the cord.
-
(An Oldie but a Goldie - time for a rerun :D.)
HARLEY DAVIDSON FACES STIFF COMPETITION FROM JOHNSON MARINE
HARLEY DAVIDSON FACES STIFF COMPETITION FROM JOHNSON MARINE WHO INTRODUCES A NEW LINE OF MOTORCYCLES
At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson.
Peter Long, Johnson brands marketing manager said, "We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark falling short in their OEM equipment when targeting motorcycle buyers." Long added, "We at Johnson are convinced that our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish".
The new line of bikes, marketed under the name Big Johnson Motorcycles, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. "Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after, what they really need".
At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agreed. "When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson," said one Harley owner." But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson."
Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. "We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson," said Long, "But image is very important to people. If they don't have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one."
Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. "I just don't see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson," he said. "And I can't imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this - You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both." "Given the choice," said Long, "I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson."
Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $15,000 on a Harley Davidson. As one wife put it, "it's disappointing after the build up and expectation, it is just not a quality ride". But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 5 out 5 thought that would be money well spent. As one wife enthusiastically said, "I would use my own savings to get my husband a Big Johnson".
One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, "There is no way I will let Bruce drop 15 grand on another one of those Harleys, but 15 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that's something we could both enjoy, and it's something he really needs."
Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being established, said her motto is simple. "I service what we sell."
-
In the same vein as above :D.
This stuff just finds me, honest ;D.
"Ride to pretend, pretend to ride" - classic :D.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4ZfaDjxDBs&feature=youtu.be
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/cantaffordadocgotoairport.jpg) ;D
-
I've had this one before.
-----
-----
Subject: The diner & the redhead........ Just Forward It !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her...
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. .. ...
Wait for it ... .....
It's coming ...... ....
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She said .... ....:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
-
IRISH SAUSAGE
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel?
I can't even remember in which pub I lost the bloody sausage.
-
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff...all of it."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that ?" she asked.
"Well,I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other dickhead using my stuff."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another dickhead ?"
-
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff...all of it."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that ?" she asked.
"Well,I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other dickhead using my stuff."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another dickhead ?"
Just read that to my wife - she cracked up - I don't know why :-[.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/ATT7777777.gif)
- I don't know why :-[.
-
We don't think you're a Dickhead Mick.
Well, not all the time.
-
yeah,good on ya slidey ;D, :P
-
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on
a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen
brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who
will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't
make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave
it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks
what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is
in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his
hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of
course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few
intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'
AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
-
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the f..k did your hair?"
-
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is a verbal command.
-
The Grim Reaper came for me last night. I had to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner I had handy.
Talk about Dyson with death. ;D
-
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant
For some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
That, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she
Has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular
Basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the
Pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the
Pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container
Back and reads out loud from the container ........
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM......."
-
The resteraunt in Spain.
A customer is ordering his meal and he sees this fellow ravishingly tucking into a meal. He is so impressed by that fellows enjoyment of the meal he asks the waiter could he have the same and what is it.
Waiter explains 'sir the dish is balls of the bull that was killed in the magnificent bullfight today, it will be exactly 1 month before the dish is again available. If sir would like I can book you in as you are the first to request the next available.'
He's there on time and the waiter presents the dish.
The customer says 'waiter these items are not anywhere near as large as that other fellow had!!
The waiter replies 'Sir sometimes the bull he wins'
-
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddl...es, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150
-
What is the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath tub?
One has a soul full of hope and the other....
-
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... .......but she did. :D
-
.....recently seen on it's way to CD8..........I wonder who............ ;D
Obviously a Husky rider :D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/wife-vs-motorcycles-1.jpg)
-
Fanny Green
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father' he confessed 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.
'Soon thereafter another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time the priest questioned 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood' the sinner replied..
'Very well' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply
'No Father I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
-
Are you a frequent masturbater and need a "handle" for your personal love machine, well look no further than these suggestion ...
Pamela Handerson
Handgelina Jolie
Lindsay Lohand
Handy Moore
Jennifer Handison
Gwyneth Palmtrow
Palma Hayek
Handy McBride
Barbara Streishand
Handra Bullock
Or if you happen to be gay you could go for
Jimi Handrix
Ohando Bloom
Morehand Freeman
Hands Solo
Indy Handa Jones
Barack Opalma
Handy Whorehole
Keifer Sufferhand
-
A man and his wife are standing outside the Gorilla cage at the zoo, when the guy notices that
the Gorilla can't take his eyes off his wife.
So the guy says... Hey I think he likes you, undo your top button. So she does.
The Gorilla runs to the front of the cage and presses up against the bars.
So the guy says... Lift you skirt up a bit, show him some leg. So she does.
The Gorilla goes mad, and starts to fondle himself.
Being a quick thinker, the guy opens the door and throws his wife into the cage.
What the hell are you doing, she cries.
Now, tell HIM you've got a fu...en headache.
-
My idiot neighbor knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, I mean WTF man??
Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
I think I was fobbed off by a blind girl today, I asked her out on a date but she told me she was seeing someone..
-
A mate of mine has just started his own business in Afghanistan
He's making land mines that look like a prayer book
It's doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof.
-
Prayer MAT, in fact... ;)
-
How do you make your hanky dance?
Give it a little Boogy.
-
The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the manwas still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I havea very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you
taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
-
My mates sister is a dyke, she went to one of those 48hr lesbo orgies at the weekend.
She was rushed into hospital with a suspected crack overdose
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image0011-1.jpg)
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal..
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"
-
my wife is pissed off with me again ,swapped her tampons for a party popper .no sense of humour!
-
Two of the interesting (and deluded) elderly characters seen milling about expectantly at CD8. It seems they were a little confused about an event titled Classic Dirt with a slogan "same old same old" ;D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Mail3333.jpg) (http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Mail17171717.jpg)
-
A. Did you know that the word "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"?
B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal
immigrants" and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Go home you f*&#%ing free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking assholes and take those other f*^#@ing hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat-shaging, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?
How weird is that???
-
C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal
immigrants" .........
How weird is that???
That's really spooky ....
-
The word 'Haynes' could be replaced with 'Clymer' if so desired?
Dedicated to all of us who have ever used a Haynes Manual!
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "b*****" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
-
i couldn't find that f**$ing thing that peels the carrots and potatoes so i went and asked the kids if they had seen it
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
=
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apparently she left me last saturday !!!! ;D
-
Heard on the wireless this morning that they are going to 'grow' mince in a test tube so they don't have to kill cows to make hamburgers.....
To which my wife says " they'll be growing cocks next---so thay can make chicken burgers"
I nearly choked on my porridge...
-
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
The best one ?
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
-
latest techkno,the "I Perve" phone,
http://ourlighterside.com/stuff/new-x-phone/ATT000441.gif
-
latest techkno,the "I Perve" phone,
http://ourlighterside.com/stuff/new-x-phone/ATT000441.gif
That's the one I've been waiting for ;D.
-
you can 'skite' with one of those.
-
My wife said 'what are you going to do today',
I said 'Nothing'. .
She replied "You did that yesterday'
I answered 'I wasn't finished'
cheers pancho.
-
RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a
Bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in Wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that
classic Patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
up To two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I Work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I
slowly But surely stretch it , until it's about 6 feet wide."
And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot Asshole?" he asked
You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
-
he: Darling, i will make you the happiest women in the world.
she: I'll miss you...
-
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners.
The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women
how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary
assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will
make delivery that much easier." Just make several stops and stay on a soft
surface like grass or a path.
She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember you're in this
together It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes, answered the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag
while we walk??
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
-
The Thought for Today.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00440.jpg)
-
A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7gCoqAoqA4
-
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o ;D
-
Irish Furniture Dealer.
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he travels to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak English. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business.
-
Irish Furniture Dealer.
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he travels to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak English. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/ATT7777777.gif)
(This is the lady in question ;) ;D)
-
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he
kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and
discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his
parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?'
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up .
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock
that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Especially for the Grumpy Old Opinionated Men ;D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/Vids/th_ABeatlesSongforourtime-1.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/Vids/?action=view¤t=ABeatlesSongforourtime-1.mp4)
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Stuck in a Traffic Jam
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra ...
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the car window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'
'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Wayne Swan and Bob Brown.
They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'
'Most people are giving about Five Litres.' ;D
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/Thebestevertatoo-1.jpg)
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WTF .... it's bad enough having an ex girlfriends name tatooed on yourself, but what is that shite???
-
..... but what is that shite???
That's what the other monkey is saying ;) :D
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image008-1.jpg) ;D
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Classic Towing for White Knights (http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/classictowing.jpg)
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Royalties Alison.
What a crack up.
-
Shaunesy wanders into a cemetery.
He sees a head stone.
'Here lays John O'Malley.
A Lawyer and a good man'.
He says, 'How about that, the've buried three in the one grave.'
Deep down lawyers are allright.
-
What was Amy Winehouse's biggest hit?
Her last one
What song will Elton John will sing at Amy Winehouse's funeral?
A soulful 'Candle under the spoon'
McDonald's have a new Amy Winehouse meal deal.
No burger No chips just lots of coke and ice
-
a Hypnotist on stage infront of a crowd of 200 people garunteed them his skill was so grand he could hypnotize them all at once.
much to the disbelief of the crowd, he proceeded to pull a watch from his hip pocket that dangled from a lovely gold chain,
he swung the watch back and forth in a steady calming rythm and repeated the words,
"you are getting sleeepy"
"you will do exactly as i say"
"you are getting sleeepy"
"you will do exactly as i say"
"you are getting sleeepy"
"you will do exactly as i say"
after a few moments the whole of the crowd were swaying to the same rythm of the watch in a hypnotic trance when all of a sudden!
the lovely gold chain broke!
and the Hypnotist yelled,
OH SHIT!
;D
needless to say he had one hell of a mess to clean up :D
-
A couple at the local dance, dancing 'in the old fashioned way' snuggled up cheek to cheek.
She says, 'I want to go out to the car.'
They leave the hall foyer and are walking inthe pitch black of night towards the car and he produces a torch to light the way.
She says, 'where did you get the torch'
He answered 'it was in my pocket'
'She says lets go back inside.'
cheers
-
Is that from personal experience there Pancho?
-
ONLY IN Qld :D --- GO THE RAT 8)
It is enough to make any bread-lover's stomach churn.
While unpacking the groceries with a friend on Sunday, a Townsville woman noticed a suspicious-looking hole in a loaf of Helga's bread she had bought.
"I said to my friend, this bread's got a hole in it, it looks like a rat's eaten into it," the woman, who asked not to be identified, said.
The rat had done more than chew through the packaging; when she lifted the bag out she found the rat alive and nestled inside the loaf.
"The thought of a live rat in my loaf of bread and so close to me was pretty gruesome," she said.
"I didn't want to vomit, I just wanted to throw it away, I got all squeamish."
The woman said she took the bread, and rat, back to the local Coles supermarket where she had bought it but was not satisfied with the management's response.
"They said 'that's not our house bread so we wouldn't be responsible for that'," she said.
"They didn't apologise, they didn't say they were sorry about it, all the manager said was that he didn't know how to handle the situation."
She said she was not seeking compensation and had declined the manager's offer of a store credit.
A Coles spokesman said the incident was "obviously concerning" and an internal investigation was underway, but it appeared the contamination occurred during transit.
"It is certainly unfortunate but we are confident it is an isolated incident."
The woman also reported the incident to the Townsville City Council, which investigated the complaint but found the supermarket met all the relevant health requirements.
A spokesman for Goodman Fielder, which owns Helga's, said he was confident the rat did not enter the package at the company's bakery.
"It obviously didn't happen during the baking, slicing or packing process," he said. :D No shit sherlock :D
"If it has happened, it must have happened at some point in the supply chain and we have no control over that."
Blame the truck driver ;) ;D
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2011-08-04/live-rat-found-in-bread/2824624
-
http://www.imdb.com/video/wab/vi2435187481
-
an couple sitting on the lounge (the woman is knitting) , the man with the remote (as usual) flicking between the porn and fishing chanels , after a while the woman looks at the man and say's you might as well leave it on the porn chanel you already know how to fish ..... !!!!!!!! ;D
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A prostitute, who was also a Cricket fan, had a tattoo of Brett Lee and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs. She says to one of her customers, a regular, "If you can guess who they are, you get a free shag". He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!”
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00010-1.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00013-2.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00016.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00019.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00025.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00028.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00034.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00040.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00046.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00049.gif)
I hope none are too close to the truth ;D. Have a great day :)
-
CHEWING GUM!
An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia .
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile. 'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?
-
Couple walking home after a night out , girls gets caught short and says im nipping behind this hedge for a piss. While shes gone ole mate feels a bit horny and reaches under the hedge for a quick grope. To his supprise he feels somthing dangling down , so says darling have you changed sex ? no she replies iv'e changed my mind , im having a shit ;D
-
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
-
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT000289.gif)
-
Did you hear about the canibal wedding ?
They toasted the bride and groom!
cheers pancho
-
Parent of the Year Award goes to....
Sets good example by always wearing a helmet, covers his brakes through an intersection, gives a lift to his neighbours willingly and always has eye protection for his children ;D.(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/159480.jpg)
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British police concluded at their debriefing after the riots that next time they will add persil to the water cannons as its garanteed to stop coloureds running ;D
-
Thanks TM ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :P
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/Vids/th_DICKHEAD.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/Vids/?action=view¤t=DICKHEAD.mp4) ;) :D
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Don’t fart in Harrods.
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
-
That sounds like some of the motos that come up on here Fat Toy, I fart when I see 'em and shit myself at the price :D :D :D
-
can someone help me with that white car in the photo.
urm.. what am I seeing/failing to see?
-
Luke click on the pic its a video and its the background your looking at :)
-
I have seen wankers do this a number of times and even see a guy 'step in ' to the rotating car and get knocked over but to see the car run the driver over is shit funny-I love it and reckon it should happen to them all.
We've all done skids and had a bit of fun but it's not worth the risk of spinning off into a crowd just to show off.
If everyone thinks you are a dickhead-don't prove them correct no matter the cost I say :D :D
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Ahh.. indeed. clicking on the video showed a most interesting outcome.
ta!
-
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.
Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit-but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
-
I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving
As you know some people have brushes with the authorities on their way home.
Well I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner
and a few drinks, and having had far too much vino, and knowing full well I was
over the limit, I did something I have never done before. I took a bus home.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.
-
Three little ducks go into a Bar......
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.
'My name is Puddles.'
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/Vids/th_DICKHEAD.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/Vids/?action=view¤t=DICKHEAD.mp4) ;) :D
ideal canditate for a darwins award :D :D
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Never question a drunk.
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A) 1 litre of fat reduced milk
B) Dozen fresh eggs
C) 250ml bottle of orange juice
D) A head of lettuce
E) 500 gm jar of coffee
F) 250 gm pack of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me
watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct, but how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.
-
A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant sea shell on her inner thigh.
Her friend asks her why she would get a tattoo in that location.
She responds , 'It's really cool. If you put your left ear up against it, you can smell the ocean'
-
Blondie goes to the mechanic to pick up her car after leaving it with a problem.
She says 'is it finished already,' what was wrong?
He says 'just sh** in the air cleaner'
She says...............'briliant, how often do I need to do that?'
cheers.
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Aren't you a blonde Pancho?
Good joke though.
-
No slides mine's Sterling Silver.
You riding at the coming up Penrith day at Nepean?
cheers
-
Not a joke but will help to get this thread to over a 100 pages.
BOSOZOKU CONVENTION (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQptfdSCdhs&feature=related)
Look for the very tidy Hakosuka(orignial Skyline) @3.16
CAMBER (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H11E0zwI7QA&NR=1)
CAMBER FAIL (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY1hXAoOnLg&feature=related)
-
Not a joke but will help to get this thread to over a 100 pages.
BOSOZOKU CONVENTION (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQptfdSCdhs&feature=related)
Look for the very tidy Hakosuka(orignial Skyline) @3.16
CAMBER (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H11E0zwI7QA&NR=1)
CAMBER FAIL (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY1hXAoOnLg&feature=related)
come to Japan, it is total bling,
(http://i245.photobucket.com/albums/gg71/marcFX_photo/toukun007-img600x450-1218983449lkb4.jpg)
spotted one of those many crazy japaneez bikes @ 3 seconds :o Boy childs gonna love this flick ..thanks Lozza
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Hey Lozza,
It is pretty obvious that they don't use speed-humps in Japan.
Just great stuff - crazy, but strangely wonderful in a weird Japanese way. I was looking out for Marc [with a C] and the Suzuki swingarm of the gods.
;D ;D ;D
VMX42
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That's just so funny...you've gotta love a car with a coffee table mounted to the front bumper ;D. Those cars are ridiculous but are they any more silly than those LA Mexican low riders? It's another great example of young people expressing themselves through their cars so as long as they love it, I do too!
-
No speed humps in jp. The bosozoku cars are much hilarious in real life
-
To each his own, I can't work out the attraction, but I think the same about our B&S utes.
I have to admit it is funny, I'm gunna put a pipe like one of those on my bike ;D ;D ;D
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I think the down force from some of those boot wings would make a bloody good air brake !!
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Here's acouple:
An elderly lady was facing court on a charge of shoplifting a can of peaches. The judge, wanting to set an example, asked how many peaches was in the can? She replied 8, so the judge sentenced her to 8 years in jail, one for each peach. A voice came from the gallery and it was her husband, " she also took a packet of peas your honor".
Q. What does the ALP & McDonalds have in common?
A. They are both run by red headed clowns.
And finally it seems the ALP's performance may well be improving. Recent events show that at least one member is actually capable of organising a root in a brothel.
K
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I read today,that metro trains are exceeding punctuality targets...What:Are they arriving and leaving five minutes ahead of time ?
-
This is an early photo of me with my first baby sitter...........
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image1.gif)
Good looking kid wasn't I? Smart too ;D.
-
A penguin is driving around town when all of a sudden his car begins to spluter and die out. He drives into the nearest service station and tells the mechanic there about the hassles he's having. The machanic gives his car a quick once over, and says to him "This should take about half an hour - come back and pick it up then".
Penguins being the frigid creatures they are, he decided to grab himself an ice cream while he is waiting. He buys the biggest, creamiest vanilla ice cream money can buy, and lacking an opposable thumb, pushes his face into it to eat it. Ice cream goes everywhere - all over the floor, all over the counter, all over his face. He takes a quick look at his watch and realises he's late, so forgoing the clean up, he races back to the mechanic.
When he gets there, the mechanic looks him up and down, and says "Well, it's not pretty, but it looks like you've blown a seal."
To which the penguin replies "Nah mate, it's just ice cream."
-
Two MXers go out on a riding week.
Bloke #1 is having a shower with a bucket of water.
bloke #2 takes a polaroid pic of him standing there bolloky.
#1 says 'give me that', cut the pic straight across the waistline to post the bottom half to his shiela, then says "I'll post the top half to my granny. Of course he puts the wrong pic in each envelope.
Granny gets the bottom half and checks it out with a squint then exclaims
"Lordy with those big jowels, big nose and bushie beard he's beginin' to look just like poor old pappy"
cheers
-
(http://advocatodiabolo.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/the_allblack_choker1.jpg)
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Last week, she checked into the caravan park in Bundaberg Queensland in a cabin and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... You get the picture. She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" .. . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips , everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby. Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
-
BLOKE TROLLS DATING SITE (http://forum.breakbeat.co.uk/tm.aspx?m=1972451271&mpage=1)
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That is gold. :D :D :D :D
K
-
At the exspence of offending someone....that's the best I've seen in a long while too...
-
Multi tasking ::) :P
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/i-fixed-it-electric-toothbrush.jpg)
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At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
-
BLOKE TROLLS DATING SITE (http://forum.breakbeat.co.uk/tm.aspx?m=1972451271&mpage=1)
Ah, that explains a lot about you, Lozza: "Drum and Bass Arena".
-
Gotta mooove with the times, need some glow sticks?
-
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser
and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife,
and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along
the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and
puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream.
It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and
it's half the price.'
-
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy efficient
kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the
work had been completed a year ago and he still hadn't been paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him
just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves
in a year,,, Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.. There was only silence at the
other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot...
-
The Irish Millionaire
The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
“Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
-
I've had 2 glasses of wine so cop these dad jokes, they're old
The looney looks over the fence and sees some dude shoveling horse sh-- [poo]into a wheel barrow and so says why are you doing that?
Wheel barrow man says'I'm taking it home to put on my strawberries.
Loonie man says 'You should come in here , we get cream on ours.
#2
Loonies mate at midnight says 'We're gettin out of here, I've got a torch'
'I'll stand on top of the wall and shine it down to the ground, and you can slide down the beam,
Loonie #1 says "Oh yeah, I Know you, you'll wait till I'm half way down and then turn turn the torch OFF!
#Sorry can't remember # 3
cheers pancho.
-
A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal (Sydney
> > Airport) and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him. He
> > thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous - she must be an air hostess.
> > I
> > wonder which airline she
> > works for. "
> >
> > "I still call Australia home," he says to her.
> >
> > She pulled away from him and gave an ice-cold glare. "Obviously not
> > with Qantas," he thought.
> >
> > Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta
> > Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows.."
> >
> > She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
> > himself, "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."
> >
> > A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned
> > towards her again and said, "Something special in the air."
> >
> > She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself,
> > while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.
> >
> > He thought, "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said, "Smooth
> > as silk."
> >
> > The woman turned on him and said, "What the f*ck do you want?"
> >
> > The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Jetstar !!"
-
IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR
Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown."
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me....... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The little white Irishman says:
"Turner Brown?!... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around'!"
-
a black broncos fan is in a bar and fairly pissed,she turns to the bloke sitting next to her and says if you can name the broncos players who are. tattood on the inside of my thighs you can have your way with me. the bloke said yep i have a go.she then spreads here legs ,the fella says i dont know who those 2 are but the one in the middle with the big lips is sam thaiday
-
Robin, that's politically incorrect, you can't ;Dsay that sort of thing about a Bronco's fan.
-
Kate Middleton pulled the Queen aside and asked her, "What's the secret to a long and happy marriage ?"
The Queen replied, "Wear a seat belt, and don't piss me off !"
-
Teacher:
Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have
brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king. ;D
-
I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says"Hello!"
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
-
SARCASM AT ITS BEST
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these
cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.
"The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother
and says, -
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is
pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been
with a man! Have you Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a Virgin!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.
About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something
wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time
anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and some wise
men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this
time!!!!"
-
God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill...."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to
reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said....
*
*
"What's a headache?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
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-
every one remember bill and ben thr flower pot men?
bill said to ben blub blub bleb bleb and ben said if you loved me you would swallow that
-
Walking up the road one night in the dark and saw this drunk dude staggering around under the street light.I asked 'you right mate" he says "I lost my wallet and I can't find it," I sez "you sure you dropped it here mate" the answer came "no it was about a hundred yards up that way, but there's more light here."
-
.........facetiously intended for Julia Gillard and Bob forking Bob Brown ;D.
Louis CK - Single People
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x81M3g3zjXc&feature=related
-
How to get to Heaven from Scotland ...
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday
School class to see if they understood the
Concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
Car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
Money to the church, would that get me
Into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
The garden and kept everything tidy, would
That get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
Gave sweeties to all the children, and
Loved my husband, would that get me
Into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted,
"Yuv got tae be fookin' dead"
Kinda brings a wee tear tae your eye...
-
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million quid would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million pounds, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future member of parliament
-
My uncle passed away peacefully in his sleep the other night
unlike the passengers in his car who all died screaming
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Untitledattachment00035.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Untitledattachment00038.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Untitledattachment00041.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Untitledattachment00044.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Untitledattachment00047.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Untitledattachment00050.jpg)
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Untitledattachment00053.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Untitledattachment00056.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Untitledattachment00059.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Untitledattachment00062.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Untitledattachment00065.jpg)
And voted number one by VMX racers everywhere........
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Untitledattachment00068.jpg)
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How fishing should be
http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=x3Bf0WhvsNk&vq=medium
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(http://www.e-dirt.co.za/site/uploads/5453/302504_2065158064719_1117770019_31782811_290953962_n.jpg)
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Now THAT was awesome!
-
Good one Tim!!
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/301285_273711745983410_100000337611900_895277_1001062286_n.jpg)
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
-
It wasn't me!
-
A man & woman are having pasionate sex on the back seat of the car when a policeman knocks on window.
The woman winds down the window and gives the cop a massive gobful of abuse, calling him everything under the sun and the copper arrests the bloke.
For having an offensive person on his weapon.
-
Dear Employees:
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Julia Gillard is our Prime Minister and that
Our taxes, government fees and living costs will increase in a BIG way because of their spending spree and the Super Profits and Carbon taxes.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now
due to the dismal state of the retail economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me
since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did.
I walked through our parking lots and found sixty GILLARD, LABOR and GREENS bumper stickers on our
employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.
They voted for change.....I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
-
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes
-
;D
-
After a long night of making love, the guy
notices a photo of another man, on the woman's
nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his
ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,
hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'
she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...
-
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
-
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
-
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
-
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.
-
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
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hey zane let me guess was it your birthday and you got a new book of jokes , awsome man ;D ;D ;D
-
No Geoff no birthday just posted from a couple of emails.
Will give you a ring re talk I had with Pat.
Zane
-
Little pick me up for grumpy friday ;D
http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/latest/10649730/man-jailed-after-trying-to-turn-faeces-into-gold/
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Little pick me up for grumpy friday ;D
http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/latest/10649730/man-jailed-after-trying-to-turn-faeces-into-gold/
"A man from Northern Ireland has been jailed.........." Now that's hard to believe. There's probably a joke in there some where ::)
"Moran’s barrister mentioned that his client was a man of ‘considerable intellectual ability’ but that he had problems battling drug abuse."Now that's hard to believe. ::)
-
Interesting that he only did 3000quids damage-it that was in Oz it would have been 300.000 dollars or $3.0m more likely-not that we exagerate at all.
-
A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C. In three generations, there will be no surviving Greens.
.....I love it when a plan comes together so simply.
-
I heard today that "the only good Leb is a cucumber".
That wouldn't be right would it?
cheers
-
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/caution.gif) ;D
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/walmart/ATT00012.jpg)
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/walmart/ATT00014.jpg)
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MX250 i see you have discoverd shopping at wallmart, is that quad cooper in the green and gold sripe sox?
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That fat scrubber is the perfect example of the saying.
Ten kilo's of shit in a five kilo bag.
You're sick. ;)
-
Massage with happy ending: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVxJijzrfJQ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVxJijzrfJQ)
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MX250 i see you have discoverd shopping at wallmart, is that quad cooper in the green and gold sripe sox?
Nah!! They found me (via email) I'm just sharing with a smart arse add on ;D.
If these pixies are true, and not the result of a fertile/warped imagination and PhotoShop :), I can see why the Americans hold to their 'right to bear arms' so close and dear ;D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/walmart/ATT00024.jpg)
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http://vimeo.com/user4110239/bob-film
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Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit in there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes
five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed. Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
-
http://imgur.com/6icZ3
-
A Male Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny long-legged full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
The End
Ah;and then I woke up.
-
An Aussie guy went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.
FAIL
-
Wheres Montys jokes gone ???
-
Yeah-it was a beauty.......???
-
http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f249/mortophoto/motorcyclediary.jpg
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Aint that just the truth Mick.
I don't know if I'd hang around my bikes for too long if she was sitting on my lounge.
I must be a SNAG.
-
An Aussie guy went out duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his Doctor, "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the Hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the Hunter replied. "Is your sister a Plastic Surgeon?"
"Not exactly" answered the Doctor. "She's a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.”
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The Barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America; and de odder in Australia; and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The Barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more. Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ........ Ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice! and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,
"Oh no," he says, ”Bejesus, everyone is fine Tis me, .............. I've Quit Drinking!”
-
No.8s was better Macho , do you remeber it?
-
COWBOY WHISPERER
Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Indian: "Yep."
Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down
often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."
-
Lubricant
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand,!!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the
doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet,!'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty
lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on,
we aint got done yet,!'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had
yourself another boy,!'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that
happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to
use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, it's a f?? kin' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
-
Paddys pacing nervously up and down the hospital corridor while his wife is in the delivery room giving birth :)
The Doctor comes out of the room and says "Paddy your the proud parent of 6 healthy baby boys "
Bejezzus says paddy , Six you say six jezzus ;D Paddy pats his crotch and says to the doctor " thats why i call it me chimney stack doc " ;)
The doctor looks paddy in the eye and says " Well you might want to get it swept paddy cos their all black " ;D
-
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2.. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..
Now, 88 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.
3.. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of
the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide
However,
In that same year, 1923,
the winner of the worlds most important road race,
the Isle of Man T.T.,
was
Stanley Woods.
What became of him?
He won 10 T.T. races between 1923 and 1939,
He lived on the Isle of Man and rode motorcycles all his life. He lapped the island circuit at 82 mph in 1957 (The Golden Jubilee) aged 54
He was a wealthy man when he died aged 90.
The Moral:
Stuff work. Ride motorbikes.
-
The local hairdresser broke her leg. She can only cut hair on crutches now.
K
-
Did you hear about the three Germans in an English pub?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f309fSTWYo4
-
A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian
coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to
her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge
says, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some Really bad
news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news". "Well," says
the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad
news?" The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft
in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead." The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has
a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up
there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs
attached to her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he hands
the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs
in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind
and all that. Now, what's the really good news?" "Well", the Sarge says,
"me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 O'clock and we're
gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!... you fancy comin' with
us?"
-
A guy wanks into a bar. Barman says: "sorry we don't serve your typo here".
-
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,
"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy,"
I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
-
Presidential Visit
The special aeroplane taking the US president and a group of VIP Australians for a sight seeing tour, suddenly developed engine problems and appeared likely to crash. They soon realized that there were not enough parachutes for all the passengers.
The US president quickly stood up and stated, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I cannot die at this time."
He took the first parachute and left the aircraft.
The PM then announced, "I am Prime Minister Julia Gillard and as I am the smartest woman in Australian history, Australia's people wouldn't want me to die."
She grabbed the parachute next to her and jumped out of the aircraft.
Another VIP passenger declared, "I am Bob Brown leader of the Australian Greens. The nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me."
He then snatched up the nearest parachute and jumped.
After a number of other VIP's had hurriedly left the plane, there were only two passengers left, ex-PM John Howard and a 10-year-old schoolgirl.
John Howard said, "I have lived a full life and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Howard. There's a parachute left for you. Australia’s smartest woman took my schoolbag!”
If only.
-
On a recent trip to the United States, Julia Gillard, addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians. She spoke for almost an hour on her plans for a CarbonTrading Tax for Australia At the conclusion of her speech, the crowd presented her with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. A very chuffed Julia then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.. A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Julia Gillard They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** that it can no longer fly.
-
I only wish that the odds were this good ;D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/pic01213.jpg)
-
.....for the draftsman or engineers amongst us (http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/now.jpg) ;D.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image001-3.jpg)
-
;D :D ;D
-
A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman"and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do yuppy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $250?"
The man agreed and told her that the pink paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the girl came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $250 and handed it to her, along with a $50 tip.
"Thank you," the girl said. "And by the way, that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari" ;D
-
You might identify with this :D, I know I do :P although I never had anywhere near this prob with my son it pisses me when I see stupidly loose jean over the arse and the colourful boxer short purposely tugged out. Gee with such a desperate need to be different and to be noticed they should engage a psychologist ::).
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/pic18990.jpg)
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(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image-1.jpg) ;D
-
:D stick mums got fat too ;D ;) being a stick girl and fat is not politically right- let alone cool ;)
-
(http://chzparentingfails.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/crazy-parenting-fails-and-this-vinyl-sticker-proves-it.jpg)
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(http://chzparentingfails.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/crazy-parenting-fails-and-this-vinyl-sticker-proves-it.jpg)
Gotta hate those family stickers on the back of 4WDs. Dear God, who cares!!! :D
I know this woman who has got to be at least 160 kilos, who never smiles and is a complete pain in the butt… and yet the sticker on the back of her car shows her as a young, thin, vital woman, smiling with a laptop. Mustn't have a mirror at home... ;)
-
Best one of them i seen was on a Young guys car.
It had a Guy and a Lady figure.
the text underneath each one said " me " " your mum"
-
Best one of them i seen was on a Young guys car.
It had a Guy and a Lady figure.
the text underneath each one said " me " " your mum"
;D ;D ;D
-
Saw on the rear window 'Die tailgating scum!'
As a counter I'm gonna have a reversed decal on my windscreen saying 'Move over traffic clot!'
-
A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian
coast. He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to
her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge
says, "Mate, we have some news for you. Unfortunately some Really bad
news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news". "Well," says
the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad
news?" The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft
in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was
dead." The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has
a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
what the good news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up
there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs
attached to her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he hands
the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs
in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind
and all that. Now, what's the really good news?" "Well", the Sarge says,
"me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 O'clock and we're
gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!... you fancy comin' with
us?"
Laughing so much I'me crying Toolie , the missus aint real impressed tho. ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
A bloke was seen walking down the main street of Penrith dragging a cabbage on the end of a lead.
When curiosity got the better of me I asked 'why are you dragging that cabbage along like that?'
He answered 'cabbage?, I thought it was a collie!'
cheers.
-
Irish Maths Test
A Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00001-2.jpg)
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain ya Aussie git? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00002-1.jpg)
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00003-1.jpg)
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
The Irishman is now head of Qantas ;D
-
HILARIOUS!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCdmiZyyGjQ
-
Psychiatrist & Proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".
The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".
This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts" - no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
"Loons and Moons" - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".
Everyone loved it.
-
This is alarming!
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners
of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,
yes, 100% of all these men :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
That proved it !
No further testing was considered necessary.
-
Oh shit-that's bad news at this time of year......
-
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend,
"That's us in 10 years. "He said, "That's a mirror, dip-shit"!
-
-
-
lost for words Mick??
-
Yeah Mick, you're a man of few words but that's ridiculess. ;D
-
a man on his harley was riding along the californian beach front ,when in a booming voice god spoke thus-because thu out your life you have been faithfull to me in all ways i shall grant you one wish.the biker replies build a bridge to hawai so i can rideover whenever i want.god replied you wish is materialistic.think of the enormous challenge sinking piers to the bottom of the ocean,all of the steel and concrete.i can do it but is hard to justify your desire for wordly things..the biker then thinks for a while.ok a gift for all mankind then.god thinks ah thats better.the bloke says i wish thai and all other men could understand women,i want to know how she feels ,whats she thinking,why the silent ques,hy when they say yes,the really mean not on your life are going riding,why they whinge and complain for no reason,and finally how do i make a woman really happy?.god replied two or four lanes?
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1HqiUeKpyg&feature=related
This worth a look if you have a spare 10 minutes - IOM traffic cop.
-
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."
The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive!
She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out, "Watch that wall!"
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon..."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
-
Not sure whether this one is here but it's a goodie...
A son asked his mother the following question:
' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? '
The mother looks at her son and replies:
' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
-
Today I bought a new vacuum cleaner [cheapy woolies] for $19.99
After assembly as usual I checked the instructions.
No 1 Do not leave unattended near children or ELDERLY PEOPLE WHAT THE ****! Should I take it back?
No Bulls****.! that s true.
Cheers pancho.
-
Just send your kids outside before using Wally. ;D
-
A salesman goes onto a new housing area and walks up to a smart looking new house and rings the door bell. Lady opens the door. The salesman throws a bucket of horse shit on the carpet. He says “lady if my vacuum cleaner doesn’t pick up every speck of that I’ll get down on my hands and knees and eat it! Lady replies “do you want sauce with that, the power hasn’t been connected yet”
Go easy on me it's the first joke I;ve ever posted!
-
http://au.news.yahoo.com/world/a/-/world/12319913/car-runs-on-coke-and-mentos
-
?? Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
?? Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
?? Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
?? Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
?? Law of the Alibi -
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
?? Variation Law -
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
?? Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
?? Law of Close Encounters -
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
?? Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
??? Law of Biomechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
??? Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena -
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are also the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
??? The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
??? Murphy's Law of Lockers -
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
??? Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
??? Law of Logical Argument -
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
??? Brown's Law of Physical Appearance -
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
??? Oliver's Law of Public Speaking -
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
??? Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy -
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
??? Doctors' Law -
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
-
Julia goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and she asks him his name.
“Stanley,” responds the little boy.
“And what is your question, Stanley?”
“I have 4 questions:
First, why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn’t vote for it?
Second, why are you Prime minister when the Liberal Party got more votes?
Third, weren’t you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian?”
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Julia informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Julia says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right: question time. Who has a question?”
Another little boy puts up his hand. Julia points him out and asks him his name.
“Steve,” he responds.
“And what is your question, Steve?”
“Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did you bring in a carbon tax when Australians didn’t vote for it?
Second, why are you Prime minister when Tony Abbott got more votes?
Third, weren’t you a communist at university?
Fourth, why are you so worried about gay-marriage when you are obviously a lesbian?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the f*ck happened to Stanley?”
-
Get this...
A surgeon just succesfully replaced a mans left ear with a graft of an ear from a pig!
It was re-shaped to resemble the natural ear, the surgeon said it was very good but the patient said that there was a bit of crackling.
cheers!
-
Get this...
A surgeon just succesfully replaced a mans left ear with a graft of an ear from a pig!
It was re-shaped to resemble the natural ear, the surgeon said it was very good but the patient said that there was a bit of crackling.
cheers!
:D glad it wasn't a Mouse's ear or it would of been pretty Squeeky ;D.............bom bom
-
Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, cVoluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realise she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,
'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky..
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
....................................o0o.....................................
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"
-------------
(o o)
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night..
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
-------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. Prison Service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said, “in his professional opinion it was a death trap!”
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
-
All Class as usual Bill, but were your fingers trembling when you spelled Voluptuous ???? ;D
-
A bloke pinched a calender!
-
HE GOT 12 MONTHS
cheers pancho.
-
A young Jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know..
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,
'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer or Union Delegate as the case may be.
-
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot
In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't
Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
Troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,
Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she
Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the fork away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking."
-
little mustafa starts school in australia and decides he wants to be like other kids so he australianises his name -my name is now Bruce .when he went home he declared he was now to be known as bruce.his mother went wild and beat hiimthen his father came homeand said your are mustafa the arab ,boy says no i am now bruce so the father then beat him.next dat at school his mate asked him how he got beaten up.bugger me australian for 8hrs and 2 f$#king arabs bashed me
-
(they walk among us)
STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM...AND HOW HE DID IT
Personally, I would have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and
four apples and three oranges in t'other, what would you have?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
-
The Marriage:
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away..
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey !
-
Ethical Dilemma
The doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. ...
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard
-
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
-
On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest
Caliber you trust to protect yourself?
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22
Short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in
My pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the
Wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". For those of you who may be
Unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend
Or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is
Someone to go get help.
I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta ..
Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must
Have been near one of her cubs.
Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today.
Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape
By just walking at a brisk pace.
That's one of the best pistols in my arsenal!
-
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland"
-
IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR
Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says,
'What's wrong with you, little fellow?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3
pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman says:
'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!
-
Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.
CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?
Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
-
How tough are Australians?
The scene is set - a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky.
Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.
Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...
Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends'
Hansie from Seth Efrika (who typically can't stand to be bettered) said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'
Colin, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
-
Investing in NZ ;D
Just imagine....If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Air New Zealand one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in the AA one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Canterbury Finance one year ago,you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00..
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the Kiwi Saver-Keg.
A recent study found that the average Kiwi walks about 900 miles a year.. Another study found that Kiwi’s drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year
That means that, on average, Kiwi’s get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be a Kiwi!!
-
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
Her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast.
I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
Time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend...
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
Money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down,
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
Goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his Girlfriend to call,
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
Asks what happened.
She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
-
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's
hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who
keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue
to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"
-
A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a car crash.A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!
So she throws a tampon in his face and says " There you go you miserable prick, I will pay you back monthly "
And the moral of the story is ....Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there are ALWAYS f...ing strings attached!
-
I asked my mate when is it legal to have sex with girls?
He said it`s legal once they have leave school.
Apparently 3:30 isn`t what he meant.........
-
I asked my mate when is it legal to have sex with girls?
He said it`s legal once they have leave school.
Apparently 3:30 isn`t what he meant.........
:D ;D :D
-
" . . . once they have leave school"?
Hope they got some better learning than what you did, mate; otherwise, they might not be able to read the clock!
-
where wood we b without you skool teachars
-
" . . . once they have leave school"?
Hope they got some better learning than what you did, mate; otherwise, they might not be able to read the clock!
FFS
-
Just goes to show what a diverse range of people we get on here ::)
-
A pair of conjoined twins, joined at the hip, walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two VBs thanks."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday, lads ?"
"Off to the States next month," says John, "we go to the States every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, the States !" says the bartender, "wonderful country...the climate, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that American crap !" say John, "Pies, peas, and VBs, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the Yanks : they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Aussies."
"So why keep going to the States ?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive"... :D
-
I used to race cars.Then bikes:But they beat me every time.Even kids on scooters would beat me.p
-
Italian Cruise Ships
*************************************************
The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds us of a comment made by Churchill in the 1950s . . .
After his retirement he took a cruise in the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner.
Some Italian journalists asked why an ex WWII British Prime Minister would chose an Italian ship.
“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill.
“First, the cuisine is unsurpassed."
"Second, the service is superb."
"And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first.”
-
> >> Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European
> leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC
> controllers; sitting together in the same compartment, travelling
> through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and
> very attractive female Irish foreign minister.
>
> >>
>
> >> The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is
> the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel,
> Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks,
> everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.
>
> >>
>
> >> Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have
> groped the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
>
> >>
>
> >> The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have
> tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled Merkel and she
> slapped his cheek.
>
> >>
>
> >> Sarkozy thinks: Why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped
> the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and
> she slapped me... the English bastard.
>
> >>
>
> >> And Cameron thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack
> that little French shit again.
>
-
Training Tips for this Race Season from the Good Chinese Doctor... Dr Wi Li Fast
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it...Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain......good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well...I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets for the race season.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to power slide in sideways—Beer in one hand—Burger in the other—body thoroughly used up—knees totally worn out—and screaming, "WOO-HOO, what a ride!"
AND...
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
-
HELLO, OPERATOR!
ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!
Actual call center conversations!
--------------------------------------------
Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
--------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from
the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
---------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
---------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
---------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please.'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
---------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven , Scotland -
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.'
---------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
---------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: ; 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
---------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
---------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
--------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time.
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without cause."
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!)
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing?'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach it.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'
-
# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks
# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks
# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain
# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."
# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.
# The captain says he is not guilty of manslaughter. He has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.
# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises. Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.
# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.
# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.
-
A realy ugly person heard that what was ever was wrong with you was caused by some physical ailment.So he went to a chinese doctor."Ah take off all your clothes", the doctor said.And the patient did."Ah bend over",said the doctor.And the patient did.The doctoctor looked and said,"you have zackery disease".The patient said in suprise,"Why doctor what is zackery disease??The doctor said,"Your face zackery the same as your bum.
-
Holy Prostitutes
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in KENTUCKY when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye..
It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive...
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell ..
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.... ..'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
-
Hey Micks is that you as one of the bicycle twins in that add for juice?
-
QUOTE OF THE MONTH
"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer."
— Abraham Lincoln
~~~~~~~~
Quote of the week
"this is worse than a divorce...I've lost half my net worth and I still have my wife"
~~~~~~
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn it!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' said the cop. 'Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no, no', said the old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners.
Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, and say, 'O ..K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' '
'Well, that seems only fair,' said the cop, laughing. 'OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well, you know', said the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwins are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool.
This years nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a 'farm-type truck.' Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns 'wrapped in the drive shaft.'
Nominee No. 3:[ Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was 'one of the best and brightest' (ed note:????) members of the 200-man association.
Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff’s investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. 'It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony,' Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, PoolE's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge . After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. 'Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead,' stated Wallis. 'I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened,' said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck??? (Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)
~~~~~
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Objet : Childbirth at 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
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cleansing of that gene pool Bill ;D
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cleansing of that gene pool Bill ;D
Just the shallow end Rosco....
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Sounds pretty logical to me !!
Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a
Table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
On a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
Gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... No offence meant, but me and me mate were
Wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ..... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Er ... Mmm ....... Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
Pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
Have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ......... Built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
To assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
Quite probably married? And with a family?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
With your wife on a regular basis?
Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
About your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker
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Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat..
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously and sure enough out popped a genie.
This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned
Into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk". Husband says "that’s not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great. She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya ..They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement......it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . .
"What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut it up and go to sleep!"
A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, " Newcastle "
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!"
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist,a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she'd stood him up.
A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"
The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out. They said they were delicious!
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!
Teacher asks Billy; "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks for one, how many will you have left?" Billy; "Five"
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
----oOo----
Patrick says"Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .."
"Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
----oOo----
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
----oOo----
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was
standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours
later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....
----oOo----
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local
pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought,
"I can get one cheaper off the web."
----oOo----
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
----oOo----
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
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Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking sad."That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife makes him a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
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A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's
temper and threatening manner.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every time my husband comes home drunk, he
threatens to slap me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass
of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and
swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking
fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time
my husband came home drunk, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does fork All, ......it's keeping your
mouth shut that does the trick....
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Blow Job Survey
7,000 men surveyed were asked:
Why they like blow jobs?
• 1 percent liked the warmth.
• 3 percent liked the sensation.
• 5 percent liked the eroticism.
• 91 percent just liked the peace and quiet.
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Confucius did NOT say....
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tyred, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
As one door closes another one slams in your face
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Where theres a will theres a relative
Finally, Confucius DID say...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
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Confucious did say
man who wanks in biscuit tin is forkin crackers
man who have hands in pocket, feel cocky all day
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confucous say," woman who fly upside down..surley have crack up.
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The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
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Confucius might have said.
Woman who spring on innerspring this spring have offspring next spring.
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advice given to kate middleton -dont piss off the queen and always where a seat belt
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was feeling a bit depressed thinking about the economy,the state of the world.so i rang lifeline and was put thru to a pakistani call centre ,when i said i was feeling a bit suicidle they asked if i could drive a truck
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Subject: Fwd: FW: Catholic heart attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The
paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in
the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was
seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms,
and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you
have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health
insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied,
"No money in the bank." Do you have a relative who could help you with the
payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster
sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied,
"Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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what do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? well hung
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some people are like slinkies,inoffensive,pretty well useless but still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stars
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(http://pics.kuvaton.com/kuvei/arajarvi_pokerface.gif)
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Two women in heaven;;;;;;;;;;
SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.
WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA:
I froze to death.
WANDA:
How horrible!
SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA:
So, what happened?
WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere, that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
shed.Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the sheets that cover the bikes. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.
SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive. :D
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Grammer:
The difference between knowing your shit
and knowing you're shit.
-
And spelink? Bein able to rite 'Grammar'?
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Isn't it "Being able to write to Gram ma" ?
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A Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat.
To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former, All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Graham was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
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CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST...
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
Antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want each of you to keep your
Eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my
Family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back
And forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch,
Watch the watch..."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed
Back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs
Of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke;
It slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
Into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre - and Claude
Was never invited back...
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As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
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Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
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Very good Fat.
Has anyone recently heard from or spoken to Graeme ( MX250 ) who started this thread?
A good fella.
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1000 men were polled as to what they most liked about oral sex.
The unanimous consensus of opinion was,
The peace and quiet!
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Bananas
A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman:
Do you have any bananas?
No,I don't. ( says the barman)
Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey)
No,I have not got any bananas!!!
Do you have any bananas?
If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!!
Do you have any nails?
No,I don't.
Do you have any bananas?
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Just got back from a holiday in Thailand, and came very close to shagging a ladyman.
Looked like a woman,
Spoke like a woman,
Walked like a woman and
Kissed like a woman.
It was only when she was driving me back to her place and reverse parked into a narrow parking space with no problem, I thought...
Wait a f***cking minute...
-
Has anyone recently heard from or spoken to Graeme ( MX250 ) who started this thread?
A good fella.
+1
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only 2 ways to understand women
no bloke has ever worked out either of them................................. ::)
-
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders deeply for a minute then says,
'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be about quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it predicts a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo sh1t. It mean someone stole tent'
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Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other asks ,you know how to drive this thing...............
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Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other asks ,you know how to drive this thing...............
Thanks a lot, Tim!
Beer just shot out my nose........... ::)
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At a recent funeral I saw two blokes walking around carrying a coffin.
Half an hour later I saw them wandering around again.
Looks like they lost the plot.
The other night my missus was counting out some fifty cent coins along with some 20c and 5c pieces, she suddenly started balling her eyes out.
Looks like she's going through the change.
Thank you Mr. Dangerfield.
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It's Christmas morning and as the little boy comes down the stairway, he sees his Dad in his nightshirt arranging presents under the tree. "Hi Dad! Who's getting the bagpipes?"
Quasimodo is sitting in the kitchen when his mother comes in, carrying a wok. He says, "I love Chinese food!". Quasimodo's mother says, "No, I'm going to use this to iron your shirts!"
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out
"Doctor, I have a memory problem!" The doctor says, "When did it start?" "When did what start?"
I just bought a new toilet brush. I still prefer paper, though
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" The vet says, "Well, let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up while examining his eyes. Finally he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really, really heavy."
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. 10% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
The doctor tells his patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is we're going to name a disease after you."
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink
I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain
A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg is getting better!"
A homeless guy came up to me, "I haven't eaten all day". I said, "Good, then you won't get cramps if you go swimming."
The man was very frantic, you have to get over here, my house is on fire!" The Fire Chief said, "Calm down, how do we get to your house?" The man said, "Don't you have those big red trucks anymore?"
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't f**k with Mummy when she's been on the piss."
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Young Irish girl talking to her mother, says her hands are cold, so her mother tells her to put them between her legs to warm them up which she does.
Next night she is with her boyfriend and he says my hands are cold, so she says put them between my legs to warm them which he does , then he says my penis is cold! Anyway the next morning the girl is talking to her mother and asks her if she had heard of a penis, the mother says yes dear why? The girl says they sure make mess when they thaw out.
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A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.
He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ly4m-o9wUIg&feature=youtu.be
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The other night, my mate picked up this super-hot chick. I saw him today, and asked how it all went.
He told me that he went home with her, and ended up having sex with the chick and her twin.
I was impressed, but wanted to know how he could tell them apart.
He told me that her brother has a moustache.
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Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Mechanics. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'.
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WINDOWS versus FORD
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): 1) For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.......twice a day. 2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6) The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light. I love the next one!!! 7) The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9) Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10) You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
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Suicide or Murder? You Be The Judge!
A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to
jump off a bridge,......... so they stopped and parked their Harley s.
Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity either, so he asked her... "Well, before you jump, why don't
you give me a kiss?"
So she does...And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.
After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had!
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl........".
The authorities think she may have been pushed ???
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We Aussie blokes are so good to women!!!
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.
Being the nice fellow I am, I thought:
"Bugger it, I'll treat her!"
So we walked past it again.
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Two businessmen in the centre of Sydney were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready,
With only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other,
"I bet any minute now some pensioner
Is going to walk by,
Put their face to the window,
And ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth
When, sure enough,
A curious old woman walked to the window,
Had a peek,
And in a soft voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,
Must be doing well...
Only two left."
;D
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Some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely & without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
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6 Lessons with great morals
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob from next door’ she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand, but after changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin. clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'First, I want three more wishes, and for the first of those wishes, I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy;
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of the shit is your friend; and
(3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut.
THUS ENDS THE FIVE-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
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A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog
was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several
seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man
and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws
on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'
The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'
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oldie,but a goodie :P
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_Q-fWZpkgs&feature=related
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Son said to Dad “I'm Gay” Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you” .… other son said “Yep, me too Dad”. Dad said Fu*k me doesn't any of my kids like screwin' sheilas? The Daughter said “Yeah, I do Dad”
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “ If any of you are Paedophiles you can fu*k off down to Hell” 9 of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you”
In the Pub the other day I said to my mates “what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath” ? They all shrugged their shoulders and passed. I said ….. “Throw your washing in”. We were all having a bloody good laugh …. Nek Minit, this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “ I don’t find that very funny, my brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fit's” I said “ Geeeeez, sorry mate, did he drown ? ” No the big bastard says......... “ he choked on a sock “
The wife said to me last night …….. “If you turn the bedside lamp off, I'll take it up the arse for you……….. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you. He is in Prison.
The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you” I said “Yeah the bloody plug hole is blocked again”
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement. That's when I thought “F**kin hang about !!!!”
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm, bless him. I said ….. “ Hiya Charlie …… Where are you off to” he said “I'm off to change a light bulb” Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. I said” That's gonna be a bit awkward isn’t it?”
“Not really” He said.” I’ve still got the receipt …….you insensitive bastard”
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Aptitude Test
A TRUE STORY..........
Jennifer, a manager at a local Aldi store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked,
'What is the fastest thing you know of?
'The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.
''Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed. 'She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,'she said.
Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhoea.
''EXCUSE ME!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit myself.
'Wally is now working at a Aldi near you!
-
The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
"Very good, Mary" said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny
"I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing. Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say, “It is dog shit. Want to' buy a toothbrush?".
"I used the Tony Abbott approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
-
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir.
I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you,
there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
.......................................................................................
The power of Management
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
-
A guy walks into a Brothel, looks for the best looking, sexiest worker there.
She ask's how would you like it!
The guy replies just like the wife does it
She ask's how's that?
He say's for free.
-
The power of Management
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
This story is true except it was Robert Maxwell.
-
Here are some customer reviews from Amazon's website featuring VEET's Men Hair Removal Gel.......... I'm astounded that people can laugh about such self-inflicted pain!
P
Customer Reviews
Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml
435 Reviews
5 star:
(323)
4 star:
(59)
3 star:
(21)
2 star:
(8)
1 star:
(24)
Average Customer Review
4.5 out of 5 stars (435 customer reviews)
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The most helpful critical review
20,350 of 20,476 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't...
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Published 4 months ago by Andrew
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2,565 of 2,605 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION
I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.
Probably...
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Published 1 month ago by The Cantankerous Tiger
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20,350 of 20,476 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS, 24 Jan 2012
By
Andrew - See all my reviews
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.
(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)
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2,565 of 2,605 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION, 17 April 2012
By
The Cantankerous Tiger - See all my reviews
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.
Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I'm going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.
However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it's only because I wanted children.
All in all an effective and reasonably priced product - 3 Stars.
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1,153 of 1,176 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Increased Sports Performance Bonus, 24 April 2012
By
Tagnutt Mandeville - See all my reviews
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
As a highly competitive amateur athlete, I have long been aware of the benefits of a highly polished scrotum pole and hair-free saddle-bags, especially when going for the `longer look' as displayed by Linford in his famous lunchbox.
Previously I had used the old-school method of a cutthroat razor, but as you can imagine, this was a tricky and delicate operation, and to make matters worse, it was difficult to get into a comfortable position in the chair at my local Barbers. Anyway, I am quite hairy down there and my snippet valve looks like Brian May's plughole so eventually the Barber said he could no longer perform the task for me. He also said that looking up my whizzer every Saturday at 11:30 put him off his lunch, as he usually has toad-in-the-hole followed by chocolate-coated donuts as a Saturday treat.
He did not want to leave me in the lurch and said that he had read some excellent reviews on Amazon about Veet for men and suggested I give it try.
Like many other reviewers, I made the mistake of not reading the bumph properly; I used the whole tube and completely coated my cock eggs, barse and nipsy with the stuff. Anyway, I lost track of time, and it was the foul stench of dissolving clinkers and melting hair that brought me to my senses. As I looked at my watch through the putrid fog that had formed around me, I could see that it had been applied for exactly 5 minutes 59 seconds. This presented me with a problem, as when the searing pain began, I was outside my flat, sat in the communal gardens, in a deck chair precisely 100 meters and 3 flights of stairs away from my bathroom. It was as if I had lowered my under-carriage through a volcano and into Hades, whereupon Beelzebub, annoyed by the uninvited intrusion, jabbed me in the rectum with his fork.
I took off from the deckchair like Usain Bolt out of the TV adverts. Within 12 seconds, the bathroom was filled with steamy fetid barse broth, and I had the clock weights, biffin's-bridge and Sherriff's badge under ice-cold running water at the tap end of the bath. This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my arse barnacles had all but disappeared.
When I looked at my watch again, I realised how quickly I had made it up the stairs and the idea dawned on me that I had discovered a 100% legal sports performance enhancer. Now when I compete in a competition I dab a small amount around my Samantha Janus and taint exactly 6 minutes before the race is due to start. If I am doing the hurdles, I change the ratio and put more on my barse to make me jump higher. This proved to be particularly effective a couple of weeks ago, as after crossing the hurdles finish line, I accidentally won the high jump and steeple chase too, looking for the water jump to wash the stuff off.
Now I can hear you all thinking that none of this is particularly extraordinary, especially given the reviews that you have already read. However, when I tell you that I am 45 years old, 5' 4" tall and weigh 15 stone, and I used to do the shot-put that should put things into context. As this is an Olympic year I think Tagnutt and Mandeville or whatever their names are, should be redesigned with hairless nether-regions and the British squad should use my technique and be sponsored by Veet, although I don't recommend it for the beach volley ball team.
5 Stars from me.
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1,555 of 1,589 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Not for nose hair, 14 April 2012
By
Matt Guy - See all my reviews
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Although I understood the part about 'intimate use' I could not find anything about this not being for nose or ear hair. I get fed up with constantly cutting myself whilst trying to cut my ear and nose hair with a pair of Kitchen Scissors, so I decided that this product would work for me. I rubbed it up into my nostrils and around the outside of my ears. Very soon the burn started and trust me it really makes your eyes water. Probably more that if it was on your knob or bollocks like the other reviewer did. If your eyes do water, make sure the product is not on your hands when you go to wipe your eyes as this porodcut also removes eyelashes and eyebrows and makes youe eyes water even more. I look like I have been put on a sunbed for too long and people keep asking me why I am crying. Still, a good product which does what it says.
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122 of 124 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Shiny sack saved my life, 8 May 2012
By
Nick R "njrobinson2003" - See all my reviews
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Picture the scene: a badly sunburnt, blistered and shaved Boris Johnson carries two red Space Hoppers accross the surface of Mars. This is an accurrate description of the current state of my genital region 3 weeks after a liberal application of this product. Seriously, my once proud Biggles looks more like the lone equine survivor of a fire at a donkey sanctuary.
On the positive side i can report the following unexpected benefits:
- My pain threshold has almost trebled
- I can now pass urine in 3 positions: standing, sitting and curled in a ball weeping.
- using a shammy leather and some wax I was able to polish up my ballbag enough to act as a signal for passing ships, saving me from certain starvation one time when i was stuck on a desert island.
It is due only to point 3 that this product gets 5 stars.
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561 of 574 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Good results at first interrogation, 25 April 2012
By
Mr. H. A. Outhwaite - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Excellent product. Most prisoners confessed within five minutes of the first application. Can recommend.
Yours,
Ali Muhabarakah,
Secret Police, Damascus
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63 of 64 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Smoothly does it., 5 May 2012
By
G. Leasley (UK) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
After ignoring all the reviews about this item, I purchased this to do a bit of hedge trimming in my downstairs areas.
Taking great care to clean and rinse all areas before use I liberally creamed my tackle with a double helping of veet ,as it was a time where the bushes were remarkably thick and in desperate need of some attention. However seeing as I was covered, and still had a hand full, I proceeded to cover the back passage also.
Can you imaging my surprise when I found out I had forgotten to time the process and relied in counting to 6 minutes as I had forgotten my watch.
Being of sound mind and body, it took me over 3 minutes to discover that 6 minutes is 360 seconds, so after doing the math I started counting.
I don't claim to be a clever person but can you imaging my surprise when after counting to 200 i felt a burning desire to rip off my plums and place them in liquid nitrogen. imaging the surprise as i was told never to leave a job half don't, that I carried on counting to 360.
Around the 300 mark, I think I blacked out with the pain.
While is a state of un-imaginable pain, i discovered that my back side was on fire, and proceeded to cry out in pain.
Finally i reached 360, and ran to my chest freezer to dunk my lower half in the cold and hopefully regain some feeling in that area.
Taking care not to boil the frozen peas, i cleaned my gentleman's sausage and plums to remove the now boiling substance from them and my back passage.
Can you imaging the sight i found when I could not feel my middle section as pain had now turned to numbness, and what was pink skin, was now a beautiful shade of scarlet.
least to say, i was hairless and looking good. Thanks veet, your amazing. 5*, cant wait for next month to do it all again.
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299 of 307 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Sweet Baby Jesus deliver me from this torment, 30 April 2012
By
Lee - See all my reviews
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Possessing as I do a genital cluster that bears an uncanny resemblance (and indeed aroma) to Chewbacca's armpit, I decided to purchase this product. Upon applying the creme to my tassel and conkers, I was taken aback by a sudden and disturbing gasping noise, followed by a sound that I can only describe as the horrific howlings from Satan's own Hell Hound, Cerberus. As I whirled around to view the source of the noise, I perchanced to glance in the bathroom mirror, and, seeing my own mouth stretched agape in a terrible rictus of agony, I deduced the sound was coming from me.
My eyes widening with mounting horror, I surveyed the damage occurring to my sausage and beans with no small sense of panic. My pubes were actually bubbling and fizzing, in much the same way they might if one of James Cameron's Aliens had just sprayed their acid blood upon them. There were no swear words strong enough to adequately describe the agony, and in my delirium I began making them up. I don't recall exactly what I screamed, but I'm fairly sure the entirely-new expletive "funting" was employed.
With as much haste as I could muster I hobbled into the shower and applied cooling water to the conflagration in my crotch, which only served to spread the napalm to my perineum. I am not a church-going man but as I felt the flaming horror trickle across that tender inch of no-man's land, I confess that I prayed aloud to Jesus and his host of angels that the advancing agony would not stray into my buttonhole. However, my prayers went unheeded, and as I felt the liquid inferno sizzle its way into my most private of eyes, I lost consciousness, but not before grabbing the shower curtain and collapsing, in a disturbing echo of that famous scene from Hitchcock's "Psycho". Although believe me, being hacked to death by Norman Bates in a dress would have been a walk in the park compared to the searing agony I endured that fateful day.
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371 of 382 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Spiced nuts, 3 May 2012
By
mikethebign - See all my reviews
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Sergeant slaughter and his two lovely daughters
Do get the occasional trim.
New bird on the stage, nearly half my age
My purchase a bit of a whim
The instruction book did not get a look
I thought I knew how to use Veet
Whipped out my tower, whilst stood in the shower
Spreading it liberally all over my meat
I flipped off the cap, lifted up the old chap
Pushing the limits i'm sure
I wanted to groom in the valley of doom
Now my starfish is bleeding and raw
I tried to keep calm washing off the napalm
Leaving me all of a fluster
You could boil a small lake or cook a big steak
With the heat from my genital cluster.
Less grass on the wicked, but all's still not cricket
It does add an inch or two
A full week past, how long will it last?
Still unable to sit, stand or poo.
You may well cry but tears will dry,
Leaving balls as smooth as jam jars,
My slong looks huge, still no sign of pubes
So i'm happy to award it 5 stars
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502 of 520 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars In the words of the B9 Robot from Lost in space "Danger Will Robinson Danger!", 14 April 2012
By
Ramdizzle "Ramsay" (UK) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
Well like 90% of the reviews on the page. I would say we have all suffered from making the terrible mistake of vandalizing ones self in ways which we shouldn't.
If you are keen player in the arts of "BDSM" or "Sadomasochism", be my guest, this product will certainly bring you pleasure. However if you are a run of the mill bloke trying to remove some unwanted hair from some unwanted places, this product will make you cry.
I obviously wanted to sport the longer look, which let not beat around the bush (no pun intended) makes any man feel better about themselves (well it does me anyways). I'm also a fairly hairy individual, so this product is certainly useful as it's near to impossible to shave my own back.
However when applied to the genital region, the first couple of minutes you stand there looking at it, trying to sniff the air to see if you can smell that horrible burning hair smell (which i couldn't). You then realise after a few more moment's that your smile has changed into a very neutral position. I don't really read instructions in life. I treat them as if they were that EULA thing when you install software or start an Xbox game, and you just click next.
Anyhow, all I can say is that I would not need a flame on a stick going through a dark tunnel or cave. I could simply wack my bollocks out. Yes you guessed it bright red and pretty painful. But I do look hung. Anyhow would I do it again, maybe in a few months. My skins pretty resilient, so it's not to sensitive, but I guess if you are a ginger or generally have light fair sensitive skin you may find out the hard way and wake up one morning with a extremely high voice and notice you have no more testicles and being officially classed as a eunuch.
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-
Sister Catherine and Sister Helen are travelling through Europe in their car...
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield...
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen...
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine...
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen...
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine... She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fork off the windshield!"..
-
Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When It was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boastful voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fekin' towel!'
-
Older Love Making
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages in Canberra . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner, and much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.. Despite their ages, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course, and with age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in his/her own thoughts.
Claude was thinking, If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.
Maude was thinking, If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.
-
A Male Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said, " NO "
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and humped skinny
long-legged girls with big t*ts and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to
naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky, beer and never heard
bitching and never paid child support or divorce settlement and kept his house and had
guns and ate egg and chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated
on and all his friends and family thought he was a cool bugger and he had tons of
money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and pissed outside when he wanted.
The End.
-
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned
to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me
anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
-
I knew it was true what I say about the legal fraternity
_____________________________________________
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
Has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job
In the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would
Not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know
What you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
Puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
Briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
-
;)
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
-
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"..... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick up the bloody thing.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk; suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
-
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do
not know each other.
-
Oldie but goodie:
(http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u194/TooFastTim/post-5107-0-14257900-1339439832.jpg)
-
On a beautiful summer 's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.
At the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronouncewhere we are, very, very, very slowly?'
The girl leaned over and said, ' Burrr . gurrr . king '
-
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."
It Worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and haves sex with his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:
.
.
.
.
.
.
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
His funeral service will be held on Friday.
-
Why I Owe My Mother .....
**************************************
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with
me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful
parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING ..
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!
But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all time favorite!!
My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"
-
A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to
turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not
listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music,
especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened
the door.
The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so
fork off and wait for a camel!!"
-
How dare you call that poor cab black TM-you should be ashamed of yourself !!
-
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D you know Vaughn i hadnt even thought of that ;D how long till the bastards want us to start calling them coloured or perhaps Native London cabs ::) they can kiss my bottle and glass the bastards :-*
-
Tools explained-
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Crikey!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS (Nut Stuffers): Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH (Gas Axe): Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for
igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER (Screwhead Stuffers): Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
NAIL BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. Also converts an extracted nail into an eyeball- removing missile.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
-
A professor was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
"So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Hamad replied,
"Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
-
http://www.asphaltandrubber.com/racing/isle-of-nan-tt-closer-to-the-hedge/
-
I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official
race, I just stand in the city center & shout "Allah is a c#*t" & then
off we go....
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
Britain so that they can see their own doctor.?
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for
two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the
wife look like she's moving during sex.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it
would be just like winning the lotto!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror,
we had six matching balls
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "British national party school of
diving" said they had no idea why his
snorkel and flippers did not open
-
From: Ron Spencer
Date: 23/06/2012 4:58:48 PM
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:,
Subject: Fw: New Ford Truck !
-----
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nothing like a Ford Truck.
New Truck built by a company the Government didn't bail out.
I bought a new 'Ford F-250 Super Chief Tri-Flex Fuel Truck'
and it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the
radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was
voice activated..
"Nelson" the technician said to the radio.
the radio replied: "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie" he continued and; 'On The Road Again'
came from the speakers.
Then he said: "Ray Charles" and in an instant
'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
every time I'd say: "Beethoven"
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
"Tony Bennett" I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some stupid woman ran a red light
and nearly rammed my new truck,
but I swerved in time to avoid her.
I yelled: "Stupid Bitch"..........
Immediately the radio responded with:
"Ladies and gentlemen, an address from
The Prime Minister of Australia"
Damn I love this truck....
.
__________ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 7242 (20120622) __________
The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus.
http://www.eset.com
-
'Guy goes into a bar in Canberra where there's a robot bartender!
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about V8 racing, Carlton draft, the Broncos and the Canberra Raiders.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"SO, you people still happy with Julia Gillard???"
-
Took the wife to a disco last weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: breakdancing, moonwalking,
back flips, the works.
My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."
I said, "Looks like he's still f****ng celebrating."
-
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
Halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home.
'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing..
They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!'
His Dad says.
'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him
in the course.'
So.... His father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?'
His father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father.
'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year,
His father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,'
The boy says,
'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,
'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers,
'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
-
Subject: FW: forgotten art of capital letters
From a teacher:
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
-
??wot d u meen
-
But my uncle doesn't have a horse?
-
Subject: FW: forgotten art of capital letters
From a teacher:
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
A old stationhand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ....
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.
He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.
As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"
The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wonderingwhat this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."
"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog."
-
When I was a boy, my mum would send me down to the corner shop with $2 and I'd come back with about 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and 6 eggs.
You can't do that today.
Too many f*#kin security cameras.
-
The difference between Grandmas and Grandpas
A 5 year old grandaughter is usually taken to school each day by Grandpa, however Grandpa had a cold so the trip was done with Granma.
That night she told her parents that the trip with granny was very different.
What made it different? asked the parents.
Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind ba**ard, dickhead, Asian pr*ck, or w*nker anywhere on the way to school!
-
[
While creating wives, the Lord promised men that
good and obedient wives would be found in all
corners of the world.
And then He made the earth round.
-
A strange new trend is starting to happen at the office.
People are putting names on food in the company fridge.
Today i had a nice tuna and salad sandwich named Kevin
-
Bar Etiquette
I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me. After a few minutes, I said to him." Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the fock you ask me dat?... Is coz I look Chinee"?
No, I said. "It's because you're drinking my beer, you slant eyed little cocksucker!"
-
Not really a joke but a bloody good laugh. From another website:
I'm sure I've shared this experience her before but I had a similar experience at Millers Point in CT. Fortunately it was not my car I went diving with a buddy and we used his Nissan d/cab. He had left his sunroof open and a packet of oranges on the front seat. Whilst we were diving the baboons squeezed through the sunroof and started scoffing the fruit. That was until they spotted the plastic snake suspended from his rear view mirror. They shat the the entire cab apart and in their desperate struggle to escape they smeared their shit all over the interior of the bakkie. There were paw marks of baboon shit smeared over every window and the windscreen, in the air vents and of course in the seat material. The roof lining was torn and it was a mess but they managed to escape!! I suppose it was pay back from when we were kids.As youngsters we'd take a brown paper bag with some fruit in it and eat it in front of the baboons. In the bottom of the bag was plastic snake We'd then discard the bag near the baboon and then wait for one of them (they are VERY curious) to open the bag. The reaction was pants wetting funny. Some would scream and run, others would "drop dead". They are brilliant actors and they would feint or at least fake it by falling on their backs, not even twitching a muscle. Then slowly they would open an eye, then two and turn their heads slowly before taking off and shouting and barking from a safe distance.
My brother was living in Scarborough, also a a favourite hangout for baboons. He had a guava tree and that fruit is irresistible to baboons. They even chanced his two German Shepard dogs to raid the tree. One day he heard the dogs going crazy and as he ran outside he saw a baboon taking off down the drive way. Never one to miss an opportunity my boet picked up half a brick and hurled it at the baboon who very skilfully ducked and my brother watched the brick travel (in slow motion) before smashing through the back window of his then new Golf VR6
Glossary: Boet - brother. Bakkie - Ute. CT - Cape Town
-
Tequila
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
-
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams
“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
“Too bloody late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork”
Royals
When she married Charlie Boy ,Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought
new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day
went on.
That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to
their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please
remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but
it would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody
tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla
exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I
told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God,
darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in
the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"
-
Police raid in Mt. Druitt …..
Following a raid in Mt. Druitt, Police have confirmed seizure of the following:
· an arms cache of 20 semi auto rifles; 250,000 rounds of ammunition; 2 anti-tank guns & 400 grenades;
· 2 tonnes of heroin;
· $50 million in forged bank notes;
· 100 gold ingots;
· a number of stolen vehicles, including a Ferrari & a Lamborghini; &
· 5 working Filipino prostitutes
Police said the find was located in a housing commission house behind the public library in Mt. Druitt.
Local residents were stunned.
A residents’ spokesperson said: “We’re shocked. We never knew we had a fugging library.”
-
> *Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)
English - Chinese**
> That's not right! Sum Ting Wong**
>
> Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding* *
>
> See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao* *
>
> Stupid Man Dum Fuk* *
>
> Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni*
> *Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan**
>
> I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni* *
>
> I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat* *
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim**
>
> I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching* *
>
> This is a tow away zone! No Pah King***
> **
> *Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao*
> *Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo**
>
> He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka* *
>
> Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu* *
>
> Great Fa Kin Su Pa* *
>
-
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner..... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
-
SO, A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR …
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a Cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and Got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook.
But I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."
-
Admiral Nelson 2012 version
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. 'What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it, full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water. It’s an environment protection initiative."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, Sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Anti-discrimination requirements, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled....."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats.
And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt; haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety again! Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: “”As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case. kiss me, Hardy."
-
How fffffffffing funny but oh so ffffffffing true is that.
A sign of the times, small business in 2012, good luck.
You forgot to add a Carbon Tax.
-
Ten inches
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
-
Amazing Titanic fact!
Irish divers have discovered that after 100 years the Titanic swimming pool is STILL full of water!
-
Com'on Pancho-how could it be-you see the angle that it tipped over at-all the water would have poured out.
Those bloody Irish just make shit up to get in the record books and figure that no-one will go and check!!
-
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health fund."
-
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He buys a small piece of land near to Mt. Isa. A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'
The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.'
'What do you mean mate?' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs.'
'Yes they are, man at immigration tell me' replied the Chinese man, 'He say to become true Australian, I learn to chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit'!!
-
(http://i427.photobucket.com/albums/pp359/vintage_addict/Share/The_Police_Dog.jpg)
-
A musicians toast ;D
"MAY YOUR ORGAN NEVER QUIT HALFWAY THROUGH YOU FAVOURITE PIECE"
Cheers pancho
-
There is no way the Greeks will be able to control their economy and meet the terms of the bailout by the EEC and the IMF. They can't even enforce the 'No Smoking' regulations!
A Greek law has banned smoking in eateries since 7/1/09.
Look how many cigarettes are in the ashtray on the right in this photo taken at an Athens central city restaurant!...
(http://i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n546/nobby25/image001.jpg)
Look in the ashtray...
The ashtray!
Jeez... You're worse than the Greeks
-
Ash tray?
What F ing ash tray.
-
Something to cheer you up on those rainy days from my mate Cam:-
Watch your wedding video backwards
The night starts with you getting laid, then you have a great time, good food and drink, you sober up without a hangover..then you'll love the end bit where you take off the ring, go back down the aisle and f#ck off with your mates...
Cheered me up...
-
The Old Sailor & the Working Girl
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.
-
I stayed up all night just to watch the sunset.
Then it dawned on me.
-
The wife left a note on the fridge.........
"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........
fork knows what she was on about!!
-
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners.
It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but WILL detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London ."
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(http://a2.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/599754_10151121692816264_1637551313_n.jpg)
-
Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.
Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price
of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community
holds a dance in the church basement.
Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear
his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Luiggi , I do wear red panties tonight,
But how do you know?'
Luiggi answers,
'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.
How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers,
'Yes, Luiggi , I do,
But how do you know that?'
He replies,
'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes.. ..
How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face
turns red...
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
'Yes Luiggi , I wear no panties tonight...'
Luiggi gasps,
'Thanka God ....
I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Armani leather shoes....................!'.
-
I'm having to send this to you from the casualty ward by iPhone.
Apparently the Dyson Ball vaccum isn't what I thought it was!!
-
classic ;D
thanks so much for the funnies guys, Worms
-
Talk about getting ripped off, I was watching Fox news the other night, not one story about foxes! False advertising.
K
-
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger
congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to
leave.
Sam Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up
and proclaims, ... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a
new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Bob Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,
'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his
salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the
Preacher stays, . I will give him sex!'
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs.
Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding
his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,... 'Screw him!'
-
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! the light goes off.'
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. 'Ethel,' he says, 'George is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?'
'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!
-
I'm about to take part in the Great Lakemba Run. It's not an official race - I just stand in the city centre and shout, "Allah is a bastard", and then off we go....
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Oz just so that they can see their own doctor.
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently, " A meal for two with a hairy view", is not the way to call No 69.
I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror we had six matching balls!
A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The instructors at Picton said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
-
> THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
>
> Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
> husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
> telling me its not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
>
>
>
> 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
> paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
>
>
>
> Willing to try anything, I asked. 'How long will this take?'
>
>
>
> They will grow larger over a period of years' my husband replies.
>
>
>
> I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
> breasts every day will make my breasts grow larger over the years?
>
>
>
> Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?
>
>
>
> He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
> again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
> straw.
>
>
>
>
>
>
-
The human body has 7 trillion nerves.
My wife manages to get on every f-----g one of them!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In August 2012 the UK Government will start shipping retards abroad so the country looks tidy for the Olympics.
My eyes watered at the thought of losing you.
Be strong. Take crayons :-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knock knock.
Who's there?
"Doorbell repair man"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"
Susie says, "We need a computer"
Wendy says, "We need a car"
Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss, my sister came home with her new Paki boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb, so I drew a cock on it
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant.
It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames Barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch , it turns out that she love Alan, my best mate......
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "Don't enter that church, you daft c**t !!!"
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
Husband replies, "Our bloody wedding video"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper. Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life is like a penis.
Soft and hanging freely.
It's women that make it hard
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was getting chatted up by a bird last night.
She said, "Have you got a nickname?"
"Yes" I said, "They call me Sledge"
"OH... Is that because you a sleek and fast?" she giggled
"No...... It's because I get pulled by dogs!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"
"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"
That spider never knew what f******g hit it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England ..
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said, "I think the romance in this relationship is dead"
I wish she wouldn't talk to me while I'm having a wank.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes here sleepy and her bum sore.
-
Cool Person Test:
Were you cool when you were younger?
This test is based on how cool you were years ago.
What crowd you ran with, what car you drove, who you dated, etc.
It's pretty accurate.
You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.
To see if you've changed, Click on Cool Person Test below
http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm
-
That "cool test" is crap - didn't even ask if I was a sidecar passenger-had already made up it's mind. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
-
Mickhead.
-
GOT ME
-
The Irish gentleman fronts the bar and gets 3 Guiness and sits down and drinks them 1 after the other.
After a week or so the barman suggests if he orders them one at a time they would be fresher.
Irish says-----Me two brothers have gone overseas and every evening we have a drink together so we're still doin' it.
After a few months he only gets two drinks and drinks them at the same old time.
The barman is concerned for him and asks has there been a tragic loss?
Irish says No No nothing like that, it's just that oive given up drinkin'.
-
A bloke has his ear removed for something or other and the plastic surgeon grafts a new ear made from a pigs ear.
The surgeon, quite pleased with the job says to the patient- "How's that? it looks good and now you'll hear everything",
The bloke says-
"THERE'S CRACKLING!
-
A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, '’I want to have sex with one of the women inside.
I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.”
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course the Madam said, 'No'.
The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber -
THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told
him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked,
'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home,
my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.
She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'
-
1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.
7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'
11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home..'
Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '
'Is it common, doc?'
'Well, it's not unusual.'
12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
-
Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world.
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent
-
Just ask an Aussie gt96, they know all of the answers to all of the above-it's called Income Tax!!!
-
I'm just intrigued by the jokes Billiam left out - is it because they were too politically incorrect for Bill?
-
True story-.
I have a weekly chore that involves clearing the community notice board weekly at the local shops.
As usual I perused the notices this morning as I walked past and saw this gem.
ELECTRIC RECLINER FOR SALE, ALSO IRISH CONCERTINA WITH CASE.
MUST CALL BETWEEN 4.30 & 5.30.
THATS ALL! NO ' PHONE NUMBER!
-
Husband texts to wife on her cell, " Hi, what are you doing Darling? "
Wife : I'm dying..
Husband jumps with joy but types " Sweet Heart, how can I live without you? "
Wife : " You idiot..! I'm dying my hair..!
Husband muttered : " Bloody English Language..! "
_________________________________________________________
An angry wife to her husband on phone : " Where the hell are you ? "
Husband : Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally
fell In love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said, " Baby, it'll be yours one day? "
Wife ( with a smile & blushing ) : Yeah, I remember that my love..!
Husband : I am in the pub just next to that shop.
Wife slapped phone.
_________________________________________________________
An airline introduced a special package for businessmen.
Buy Your Ticket Get Your Wife's Ticket Free.
After great success ; the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply," Which Trip? "
_________________________________________________________
Husband was seriously ill
Doc to wife : Give him a healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in a good mood, don't discuss your problems, no TV, don't demand new clothes & gold jewels.
Do this for one year and he will be OK.
On the way home..
Husband : What did the doc say..?
Wife : No chance for you to survive.
_________________________________________________________
What is an intelligent wife..?
'' An Intelligent wife is one who makes sure she spends so much that her husband can't afford another woman. "
_________________________________________________________
Woman buys a new SIM Card and puts it In her phone and decides to surprise her husband who Is seated on the couch In the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number : " Hello Darling.. "
The husband responds in a low tone : " Let me call you back. "
Later the husband called back the number, " OK honey, the dumb lady is in the kitchen.. "
_________________________________________________________
A Wife treats Hubby By Taking Him To A Lap Dance Club For His Birthday...
At the Club : Doorman says : " Hi Jim how are you..? "
Wife asks : " How does he knows you? "
Jim says : " I play football with him. "
Inside :
Barman says : " The usual Jim? "
Jim quickly says to Wife, " Before you say anything, he's on the darts team in my local. "
Next :A lap dancer says : " Hi Jim..! Do you crave Special again..? "
The wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps into a taxi.
Driver says, " Hey Jimmy Boy, You picked up an ugly one this time..! "
Jim's funeral is on Sunday _
________________________________________________________
Cool message by a wife : "Dear mother-in-law, don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement. "
_________________________________________________________
A kid was beaten by his mom.
Dad came and asked, " What happened son..? "
Kid said, "I can't adjust with your wife any more, I want my own. "
_________________________________________________________
In an African Safari, a lion suddenly bounced on the man’s wife.
Wife : " Shoot him! Shoot him..! "
Husband : " Yes...Yes... I'm changing the battery of my camera. "
_________________________________________________________
-
Whats the difference between a pig and a woman?
Pigs dont get drunk and act like women ;D
-
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators
during previous Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw
her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak
from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially
my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some
deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we
can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't
like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife
of the IOC president is kissing the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like
they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is
that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...
Oh my God, what have I just said?"
-
An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish caporyarmulke.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. so he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
-
Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...
Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?
Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a
problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"
Stevie: "Pick a night."
-
I see the Romanians have taken Gold Silver and Bronze..............
and copper and lead, and any other metal they can get their thieving hands
on!!
-----------------------------------
The sailing results are in. GB took the gold, USA took the silver, Somalia
took a middle aged couple from Weymouth.
-----------------------------------------------------
I see the Aussies aren't doing very well in the Olympics, but then if they
could run they wouldn't have been Australians in the first place.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"
After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:
"Chinese," I replied
--------------------------------------------------------
Of course Team GB ladies won the rowing... it's the same basic movement as
ironing
---------------------------------------------------------
Surely tonight's mens 100m final will be like any other Sunday night in
London. The sound of a gunshot, and a load of black guys running like f...!
-
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas
>> present for his new girlfriend*.
>>
>> They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in
>> Scotland.
>>
>> Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful
>> consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the
>> right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
>>
>> Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair
>> of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
>> knickers for herself at the same time.
>>
>> Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two
>> items - the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
>>
>> Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the
>> following letter.
>>
>> /
>> //Dear Maggie,
>>
>> I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when
>> we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would
>> have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones
>> (which are easier to remove).
>>
>> These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
>> showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I
>> hardly noticed any marks.
>>
>> I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
>> though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they
>> rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't
>> needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
>>
>> I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
>> many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
>>
>> When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
>> they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
>>
>> Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
>> year.
>>
>> I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
>>
>> All my love,
>>
>> Chris
>>
>> P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
>> with a little bit of fur showing
-
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into
> his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
> He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to
> the chemist.
>
> "Could you taste this for me, please?"
>
> The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth,
> swills the liquid around and swallows it. It tasted unpleasant.
>
> "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
>
> "No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.
>
> "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to
> come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
>
-
IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG...
Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, two Liberals, one member of parliment and a Pakistani taxi driver.
For the last time:
The dog is NOT for sale!!!
-
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D!ckhead and Sh!t for Brains.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
-
Your Duck is Dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
-
That duck must have been on a benfit-I pay heaps more than that for a Cat Scan.
-
The exchange rate to the pound has dropped a fair bit this week :(
For some reason the pound got stronger almost overnight ???
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_7ED21E8EB8134FC88609C769B5DC8571pc1_zps70ea662f.jpg)
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SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.
No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
FIVE RULES TO RE MEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.
-
My Maori mate got his kid a trampoline off the internet 8) "i said Ebay or trade me ?" he said " neither, Google maps "
-
Ritchie McCaw goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit down. "What's up guys?" he asks.
"Well Ritchie, to be honest we're having all sorts of trouble getting motivated for this game against Australia . We know it's important but we've just beaten Argentina and South Africa in consecutive weeks and, let's be honest, it's only the Aussies this week. They're crap and we simply can't be bothered".
Ritchie looks at them and says "Okay guys, I hear what you're saying. The way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat these Aussies by myself. Why don't you fellas go down to the pub, have a few jars and maybe catch it on telly. I really think I can do this by myself"
The rest of the team reckon it’ll work and they agree. So Ritchie goes out to play the Wallabies by himself while the rest of the ABs go off for a few pots. After a couple, they begin to wonder how the game is going, so they get the barman to put the telly on.
A huge cheer goes up as the screen reads (after 10 minutes): "New Zealand 7, (McCaw, converted try) -- Australia 0”
Dammit, he's actually beating Australia all by himself. Surely he can't do it, can he?
Anyway, a few more beers later, the telly goes off and the game is temporarily forgotten until someone suddenly remembers, "Heck, It must be full time now, let's see how Ritchie got on". They get the telly put back on and look on eagerly.
There on the screen is the result: Full-time from Eden Park,: New Zealand 7, (McCaw, 1 converted try); Australia 7, (Sharpe, 1 try, Cooper 1 conversion.)
They can't believe it! It's a draw. Ritchie v Australia and he single-handedly managed a draw against the Aussie Wallabies
Delighted, they rush back to Eden Park to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, slumped over with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down guys," he mumbles disconsolately. "I'm so sorry, but I've really let you down."
"Don't be an idiot skipper; you got a draw against Australia, all alone, all by yourself. And they only scored a single try, right at the death, after 79 minutes!”
"No, no, I have" says Ritchie. "I've let you down. I hope you can forgive me. Twenty minutes from full time, I got sent off!"
-
The Business Deal
A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge £50.00 for them.
The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.
He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.
The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him £60.00 each.
The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for £75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras and why don't you want the matching knickers at £3 a pair or the lot for £50?"
The Chinese guy answers: "I cut thebras in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for £200.00 each and I don't think you'd wear the knickers."
...and this is why the Chinese are becoming better than us!
Business is Business!
-
News flash , just in !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
News just in....makes you think!!!
A British Navy Destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards Brighton . "The captain gets on the loud haler and shouts
"Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"
One of the Muslims stands up and shouts,
"We are invading England !"
The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loud haler and says
"Just the four of you?"
The Muslim stands up again and shouts,
"No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
-
Thanks for sharing the laughs Bill.
Tough crowd in here. You don't get much feedback.
-
A wise man once told me the four solutions to all of life's problems
1 put you foot down further
2 use a bigger hammer
3 pull the trigger
4 pull the trigger again
-
Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
in the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says, 'don’t start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
-
A grade 3 teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition and decides to ask the kids what they had for breakfsat.
To add a spelling component she asks the kids to spell their answers.
Sally goes first as always and says she had an egg, E-G-G. V good says the teach.
Timmy is next and says he had toast, T-O-A-S-T. Excellent says the teach
Lil Jonny is last, just because, and says he got bugger all for breakfast. B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L
Teacher is shocked as normal but carries on.
Next leason was geography and she asks some fairly simple questions.
Sally answers that the capital of England is London.
Peter tells her the coast of California is the Pacific.
Jonnys turn arrives and she asks where the Pakistani border is.
Jonny thinks on this for a fair while then answers-
The Pakistani border is in bed with my mum--and that's why I got buggerall for breakfast!!
-
TM bill wins this page!
-
A lesson in irony...
The Food Bank Program, administered by Welfare Canada, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food vouchers ever!
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the Canada Parks and Natural Resources, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on hand-outs and will not learn to take care of themselves.
This ends today's lesson!
-
Traditional Maori Ceremony:
Wiremu had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Wiremu's 18th birthday came around, he and his friend Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Wiremu went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in August, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in December, you idiot.............."
* * *
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The Cardiologist and Mechanic :
---------------------------------------------------------
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the car.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running."
-
Scrabble...
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful .
P N E S I
People who wrote SPINE became doctors... The rest are all my friends...
-
I just got sacked from my job with the Lifeline crisis centre.
A guy called Mohammed phoned and said, "My girlfriend left me so I'm
lying on the railway track at Sydney Central waiting for the train to
come".
I swear, all I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line".
-
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
A young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out, and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes, he informs the couple, you can get married in Heaven.
Great! said the couple, “ But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?
Jesus Christ! says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
What's wrong? asked the frightened couple.
OH, COME ON! St. Peter shouted, “ It took me three months to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer? ”
-
SEE Language does matter – we need to say what we mean
You bet Facebook is a dangerous place!
I've made a big, big mistake on my Facebook page.
In hindsight I should have posted, "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford Escort XR3i sedan"
Rather than "I've just forked a 14 year-old Escort."
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her Mums.
-
You and I should meet, I was just about to post the Irish eqivalent to this one!
Traditional Maori Ceremony:
Wiremu had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Wiremu's 18th birthday came around, he and his friend Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Wiremu went to see his grandmother
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in August, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in December, you idiot.............."
* * *
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(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/photo.jpg)
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EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
A young guy from Whakatane moves to Auckland and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Whakatane ..'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'
The kid says, 'One.'
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, '$101,237.65.'
The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Ramco. When he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Kia.'
The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
-
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the Bistro area of the clubhouse.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_4B902FBC379145EB8AEBF0F61B69F86Fpc1.jpg)
She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”
The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”
She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,
“Well then, be sure to wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger.”
-
I really enjoy your jokes Bill :D :D :D and even more now that you are adding pictures :-*
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I really enjoy your jokes Bill :D :D :D and even more now that you are adding pictures :-*
+1 ;)
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I really enjoy your jokes Bill :D :D :D and even more now that you are adding pictures :-*
+1 ;)
+2 :D :D :D
-
There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.'' The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.'' The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.'' The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?'' The contractor replies, ''You see, I have four blondes laying turf across the street.''
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/imagesCACOP1JS.jpg)
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Best definition
There's an annual contest at the Griffith University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was 'political correctness'. The winning student wrote:
'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.'
-
Best definition
There's an annual contest at the Griffith University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was 'political correctness'. The winning student wrote:
'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.'
;D ;D ;D
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(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/Dateroot.jpg)
A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Oysters. Lobster. Champagne . The whole nine yards
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a root tonight."
I said, "Would you care for dessert?
-
ONLY FOUR TICKETS REMAINING
If anybody wants them, I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) show.
Robbie will be flying into Sydney to stage an event at the Lakemba Mosque next weekend.
He is going to try to jump over 10,000 Muslims using a Caterpillar D-9.
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/Cata.jpg)
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(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_BA4728D2D05644788D54C16359AD9214pc1.jpg)
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(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/florist.jpg)
Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,
"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".
The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"
"A fu ck ", Paddy replies.
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(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/hc1.jpg)
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious...
Here she is –- in the middle of dealing with this Libyan mess -- now this has happened
to her!
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/hc2.jpg)
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"You bastard! How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now,
you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this ! I've just found out
I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault !............Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper:
“Who’s speaking?”
-
At a bar ...
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says:
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/Barroot.jpg)
"Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds:
"No kidding, I'm in banking too! Who are you with?"
-
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The
Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here
as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do
so.'
>
> Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
years. You can speak two words.'
>
> Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
>
> 'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better
bed.'
>
> After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the
Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
>
> 'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her
that the food would be better in the future.
>
> On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called
Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'
>
> 'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
>
>>
>
>'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done fluck all but moan
since you've been here.'
-
Nun in a convent says to the mother superior
"whats for dinner "
MS says
"carrots"
Nuns smiles and says " thankyou lord "
MS says "Grated carrots "
Nun screws up her face and says fluck you lord "
Two nuns in a bath
Sister julia says to sister violet
"wheres the soap "
Sister Violet replies
" Does doesn't it "
-
;
Subject: FW: 5 Minute Management Course - BRILLIANT Management Course:
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour Before
she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves The woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily And went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life...'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after Lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull S *# t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who s*#* s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s*# t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep s*# t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
-
Building Permit
Just applied for a building permit for a new house.
It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with nine turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.
It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it bright purple with pink trim.
The City Council told me to fork off.
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday.
-
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslim extremists, shouting anti-Australian slogans, with a half-burned Australian Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me. Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in the car. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "S**t... That could have been me!" So today; bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
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Father O'rielly had served his church for 40 years and wanted to go home to the old country for a holiday . A new young priest was sent to relive him for 3 weeks . On his first confessional a sinner asked for forgivness , What was your sin asked the young priest . Sodomy stated the sinner . dumb founded the young priest couldn't think what to tell the sinner to do for his pennance so he slid out of the confessional to ask a alter boy . " What does father O'rielly give for Sodomy " he asked , " A can of coke and a mars bar " was the answer .
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Two flies crawling around on a pile of cow shit. "See our stock have dropped another twelve points today Yippee!"
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the wife that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new face. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I ever possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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----- Original Message -----
From: Dave & Sunita
To: Dave & Sunita
Sent: Tuesday, October 30, 2012 7:39 PM
Subject: FW: Jokes that are equal opportunity offensive
Kia kaha, Dave
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
From: PeterCRSSL
Subject: Fwd: Jokes that are equal opportunity offensive
Date: Thu, 25 Oct 2012 08:39:43 -0400 (EDT)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time .." -
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....
-
true.
I've had a nasty virus the last two weeks.
I think I'd better not buy any green bananas.
pancho.
-
To old irish dears are having a drink in the local Wallacia pub.
One says 'I can tell you're Irish dear, where did you come from?
Dublin dear came the answer.
Really lovey what street?
Dublin road luv.
That's amazing , What school did you go to?
Mary Magdalene.
SO DiD I !
Dont tell me your kindy teacher was Miss o"Donnell!
Over at the bar the barman says to the bar made "I'm afraid its going to be a long night,
The murphy twins are pissed again!
-
“Hurt me” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well” I replied……… “You’ve got fat ankles, a fat arse, and no dress sense.”
-
Julia Gillard met with the Queen in England. She asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”
“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Julia frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send David Cameron in here, would you?”
David Cameron walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”
The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen
Julia went back home to Australia and asked Wayne Swan, her Deputy Prime Minister the same question. “Wayne, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” said Wayne. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men’s room and recognized Tony Abbott’s shoes in the next stall.
Wayne asked, “Tony, can you answer this for me? Your mother and Father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Tony yelled back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”
Wayne smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Julia.
“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Tony Abbott”
Julia got up, stomped over to Swan, and angrily yelled into his face, “No, you idiot! It’s the English Prime Minister, David Cameron!”
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The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
”Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
The first is that I iron better than you.
”Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
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Don't find many Heroes like this one!!!!
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On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .
So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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Exhaustipated
Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.
Exhaustipated: Too tired to give a shit.
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I dialled a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
**************************************************
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
**************************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
************************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
* Stress is when wife is pregnant,
* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
* Panic is when both are pregnant.
**************************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."
**************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
**************************************************
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied
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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Claude was never invited back
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The Dot .
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_FBEBCE9168484C8398DBB87A9DBD23F8pc1.jpg)
FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in London has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a corner shop,
a petrol station, a curry house, a taxi cab, or an old peoples home in the UK .
If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with BT technical advice.
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My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......
My girlfriend says that a small penis wont affect our relationship. Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!
My wife gave me a list to go to the supermarket with, however a few items I
couldn't find so I discreetly approached the young girl on the check-out.
"Excuse me, love," I whispered, "This is a little awkward, but I was wondering
where you keep your tampons?"
"In my handbag," she replied.
My wife suggested we play 'Doctors and Nurses' last night. I was hoping
for something sexier than just being left to wait around for six forking hours.
I was In a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me , squeezed my arse and said " give me your phone number sexy " I said " have you got a pen? " she smiled and said " yes " I said " well fork off back to it , before the farmer notices you're missing ".
Chatting to my mate on the phone today, he says to me "Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “forking wait a minute…”
Got cut off driving to work this morning by a car with a bumper sticker on it saying ' Veterinarians Drive Like Animals ' .
Funny that , I would have put money on him being a gynaecologist...
So the Paralympics has just begun and already Six paralympic athletes
have tested positive for WD40
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
Tim
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Two old High School friends run in to each other in the Queen Street Mall one day, and decide to go have a drink and catch up.
They go to a bar, order a couple of drinks and start talking..
"What do you do for a living?" says the first.
"I'm a Gynocologist." says the second. "What about you?"
"I'm a Dentist." says the first.
To which the second guy replies "I don't know how you do it! I just couldn't handle having my fingers in other peoples mouths all day!"
;D
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stop tellin jokes and get out in the shed
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it's even worse than that....
I'm still at work and telling jokes....
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He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted…
"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the f**ing car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CZAVf1SY-4&feature=related
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Warning may put you off your lunch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8vKXz746oM&feature=related
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXI8G2MBOpQ&feature=related
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May need a login for this one but it is very cleverly done
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weN9QSHBqs0&NR=1&feature=fvwp&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DC8vKXz746oM%26feature%3Drelated&ytsession=8rfI0Em3OB46E3aNkqaSgFB_2yqUj77Ufr-MGaxN2qKokwmdiDYZonwlRuPVgwzQDXi9hSaLbBVZdCfYeNx350VF1GvrfJ7GBLIwa3HJvNj0OYCGLyGeMI4cbygLXYh6hNlDtS71x6hgbAN79zvUQCsbCbpHwsm0Sjp5XQ5wjaynL53t4x2f94FoyvRSrSB_URsxiTieA127LYvZLLatUIxOwET2s1kGBa-jqZODORxstZzkjZlzO7QTAO1Sb-tTJW1q-3NIES5LoB68RWJdkq5Lijc7zHHL8sCLH1yKmQAkkF1OaKwcj88NK_PPyt4uIehZ6eKJCE6IjgISVj5KKUpUJ_Unv_VkaVzVQwgkctD2ZigjtMoCrLDvskXBg4lRLivZnSnFIQiDT5FWu3aBs-qABcLTd_iE5i8cy_8ji6nYGWA0pvgt4VTsnuTrthDZn3ZsVU3DlW4muHz9EePP7IPgiAgux1rUOzKCTHwpEwHxGIg2F_dPHq-oJCZoE0APa8JgNDQSdvwYK6BiGSrnBPaLxD5MpNzw_jQrXmADoNLmN4jqXl_nta3sXTx-Wtfgzfe35cycrAWhzQDoE2pb1py-rDZ8sSbnXY-4ZJsMETuu59Zi1JEqw-H9SehcHEyR24-NEIyrnY_rWCt6ufajDSbAitTISlmpd1kAqZmWnnnQYiV9hldpWsNxHaBbdBnr (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weN9QSHBqs0&NR=1&feature=fvwp&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DC8vKXz746oM%26feature%3Drelated&ytsession=8rfI0Em3OB46E3aNkqaSgFB_2yqUj77Ufr-MGaxN2qKokwmdiDYZonwlRuPVgwzQDXi9hSaLbBVZdCfYeNx350VF1GvrfJ7GBLIwa3HJvNj0OYCGLyGeMI4cbygLXYh6hNlDtS71x6hgbAN79zvUQCsbCbpHwsm0Sjp5XQ5wjaynL53t4x2f94FoyvRSrSB_URsxiTieA127LYvZLLatUIxOwET2s1kGBa-jqZODORxstZzkjZlzO7QTAO1Sb-tTJW1q-3NIES5LoB68RWJdkq5Lijc7zHHL8sCLH1yKmQAkkF1OaKwcj88NK_PPyt4uIehZ6eKJCE6IjgISVj5KKUpUJ_Unv_VkaVzVQwgkctD2ZigjtMoCrLDvskXBg4lRLivZnSnFIQiDT5FWu3aBs-qABcLTd_iE5i8cy_8ji6nYGWA0pvgt4VTsnuTrthDZn3ZsVU3DlW4muHz9EePP7IPgiAgux1rUOzKCTHwpEwHxGIg2F_dPHq-oJCZoE0APa8JgNDQSdvwYK6BiGSrnBPaLxD5MpNzw_jQrXmADoNLmN4jqXl_nta3sXTx-Wtfgzfe35cycrAWhzQDoE2pb1py-rDZ8sSbnXY-4ZJsMETuu59Zi1JEqw-H9SehcHEyR24-NEIyrnY_rWCt6ufajDSbAitTISlmpd1kAqZmWnnnQYiV9hldpWsNxHaBbdBnr)
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A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.
"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be today."
Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to the guy's delight, sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me. The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.
The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that His Holiness is tapping his pencil, thinking.
After a little while of pencil tapping, the Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"
"Anything Your Holiness.. What is it?"
"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"
The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."
The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it says:
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_4129E83F482343F68BCD34BDC1CDFCFDpc1.jpg)
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;D you are on fire bill
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; ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Works a bit quiet
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I strolled into the boss's office the other day, and presented him with a pear.
He said,"Thanks, what's this for ?"
I said, "The missus suggested I grow one, and go and ask you for a pay rise." ;)
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BINGO!!
You are dead right there TooFast
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One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
No, not at all," says the chemist.
Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
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Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
-
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
The Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
The Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realise you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
Pennance
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Let us pray......................
Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humour out of life,
And pass it on to other folk
-
(http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u194/TooFastTim/Irishsunbather.jpg)
-
The happy couple arrive home from thier honeymoon and the brides mother asks her daughter what it was like. The daughter replied that it was terrible, he kept knocking me off and knocking me off. Her mother then said the man is a beast, what did you do? Oh I just kept climbing back on again.
-
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
-----------------------------------------------------------
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did
...she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.
Locals were shouting "paedophile!"and other names at me,
just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops...
although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
-----------------------------------------------------------
The cost of living has now become so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can't afford batteries!
---------------------------------------------------
A man calls 111 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife says to her husband
"You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
And he says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated
but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife has been missing a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to the OP shop to get all her clothes back.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented
iPod after realizing that "i-Touch Kids" is not a good product name.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
towards the floods in Pakistan ..
I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway..
--------------------------------------------------------------
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VbX22w9qws&feature=player_embedded
Would you buy a car from this guy ::)
-
(http://i1112.photobucket.com/albums/k495/firko2/12-11-25-F-Minus.jpg)
-
A FINE EXAMPLE OF SOCIALIZED MEDICINE
Dear Sir:
The results from the lab work confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancer.
It was lipstick.
We apologize for the amputation.
-
The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town
church in Ireland..
One day he was walking down the High Street and he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'
'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub.'
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'
The landlord nodded and said,
'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'
-
I don't claim to know too much about lifesaving.
(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a393/gmcloa/Misc/lifesavers.jpg)
But if anyone is going to bring this guy back to life, my money is on the girl on the right.
-
I don't claim to know too much about lifesaving.
(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a393/gmcloa/Misc/lifesavers.jpg)
But if anyone is going to bring this guy back to life, my money is on the girl on the right.
::) ;D ;D ;D That one even cracked up the missus!
-
Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
-
The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty SHEDS Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua ?”
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped. “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.”
She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay..
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
“Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously,” she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
-
After reading these for years - i thought it was about time to contribute ...
A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away.
The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband, the pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
New Zealanders who emigrate to Australia raise the IQ of both countries
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
New Words for 2012
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks
-
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, Inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and
haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it
for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to
send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the
telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister
telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it
home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and
then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the
bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her
sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to
send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here
to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'
You'll love this..........
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll
read it very slowly.... 'Com-for-da-bul.'
-
VEET reviews
2,172 of 2,208 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Increased Sports Performance Bonus, 24 April 2012
By
Tagnutt Mandeville - See all my reviews
This review is from: Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care)
As a highly competitive amateur athlete, I have long been aware of the benefits of a highly polished scrotum pole and hair-free saddle-bags, especially when going for the `longer look' as displayed by Linford in his famous lunchbox.
Previously I had used the old-school method of a cutthroat razor, but as you can imagine, this was a tricky and delicate operation, and to make matters worse, it was difficult to get into a comfortable position in the chair at my local Barbers. Anyway, I am quite hairy down there and my snippet valve looks like Brian May's plughole so eventually the Barber said he could no longer perform the task for me. He also said that looking up my whizzer every Saturday at 11:30 put him off his lunch, as he usually has toad-in-the-hole followed by chocolate-coated donuts as a Saturday treat.
He did not want to leave me in the lurch and said that he had read some excellent reviews on Amazon about Veet for men and suggested I give it try.
Like many other reviewers, I made the mistake of not reading the bumph properly; I used the whole tube and completely coated my cock eggs, barse and nipsy with the stuff. Anyway, I lost track of time, and it was the foul stench of dissolving clinkers and melting hair that brought me to my senses. As I looked at my watch through the putrid fog that had formed around me, I could see that it had been applied for exactly 5 minutes 59 seconds. This presented me with a problem, as when the searing pain began, I was outside my flat, sat in the communal gardens, in a deck chair precisely 100 meters and 3 flights of stairs away from my bathroom. It was as if I had lowered my under-carriage through a volcano and into Hades, whereupon Beelzebub, annoyed by the uninvited intrusion, jabbed me in the rectum with his fork.
I took off from the deckchair like Usain Bolt out of the TV adverts. Within 12 seconds, the bathroom was filled with steamy fetid barse broth, and I had the clock weights, biffin's-bridge and Sherriff's badge under ice-cold running water at the tap end of the bath. This did not please the missus, as she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my arse barnacles had all but disappeared.
When I looked at my watch again, I realised how quickly I had made it up the stairs and the idea dawned on me that I had discovered a 100% legal sports performance enhancer. Now when I compete in a competition I dab a small amount around my Samantha Janus and taint exactly 6 minutes before the race is due to start. If I am doing the hurdles, I change the ratio and put more on my barse to make me jump higher. This proved to be particularly effective a couple of weeks ago, as after crossing the hurdles finish line, I accidentally won the high jump and steeple chase too, looking for the water jump to wash the stuff off.
Now I can hear you all thinking that none of this is particularly extraordinary, especially given the reviews that you have already read. However, when I tell you that I am 45 years old, 5' 4" tall and weigh 15 stone, and I used to do the shot-put that should put things into context. As this is an Olympic year I think Tagnutt and Mandeville or whatever their names are, should be redesigned with hairless nether-regions and the British squad should use my technique and be sponsored by Veet, although I don't recommend it for the beach volley ball team.
5 Stars from me.
See many more at :
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK
-
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult –
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "fork the Japs."
"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"
Little Akio said quietly, "The Australian people, when Gillard was elected, August 2010."
-
THESE LINES ARE FROM THE BOOK 'FIFTY SHADES OF GREY'
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.
Finally, I drifted off to sleep.
Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.
Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........
.
.
.
.
F....ng mosquito!
-
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up next to a fat bird who was snoring and farting.
At least I got home OK!!
The wife's back on the warpath again she was up for making a home movie last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault.
I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.
I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do
Then I remembered maccas serve breakfast until 11.30.
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit" The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.
-
A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost.
She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more
and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'
The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'
'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is
probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'
The man below responded, 'You must be in Management.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'
'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault.
-
love it.p
-
An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and
asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why
I am in such good shape.
I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it.
How old was your Dad when he died?
'Who said my Dad died?' The doctor was amazed.
'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive? How old is he?'
He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.
'In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach
for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.
He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that.
How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandad is dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asked,
'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?' '
No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'
At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'
>
>
>
>
>
>
'Who said he wanted to?'
-
A Yorkshire treat
A Yorkshireman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...
"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Wonderful!"
Being the 'Kind Hearted Yorkshireman', he thought,
"What the heck, I'll treat her!"
... So they walked past it again...
-
A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: " I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill."No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."
The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them. "What are they?" he says.
"Viagra," says the dentist.
"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."
-
Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'
Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.
I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_60408415F33B4B258D27429AA89CD413pc1.jpg)
Should work with grandkids also.
-
South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa. While on holiday in
Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.
As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black
dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
"What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.
"forkin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed,
"We'd never get away with that at home!
-
Happy Bloody christmas
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_ECE49AD950AD4EA2972CE0B4DF58EA42pc1.jpg)
-
The cardinalii and the prelates were on a plane which was about to come
> into
> land. Instead of the usual message to fit seat belts, there shone a
> message
> especially for the (quite literally) holy buggers... "Please return your
> choirboys to the upright position before landing."
-
Genius
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ujwod-vqyqA
-
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000." ;
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
-
Here are the real tools you always wanted ;D ;D ;D
(http://i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n546/nobby25/aa.jpg)
(http://i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n546/nobby25/bb.jpg)
(http://i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n546/nobby25/cc.jpg)
(http://i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n546/nobby25/dd.jpg)
-
Mark me down for a set of the Bono Safety glasses .Classic Nobby ;D ;D ;D
-
The Italian Nursing Home
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather (Abuelo) in a nursing home.
All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.
'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'
'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents.
Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old.
He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'
'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'
'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!'
'And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me The forking" Mexican!
-
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
'How's the new wife?', asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Don't ever underestimate old guys.
-
Here are the real tools you always wanted ;D ;D ;D
(http://i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n546/nobby25/cc.jpg)
(http://i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n546/nobby25/dd.jpg)
Correct me if I am mistaken, maybe so, BUT, the model for the moron lamp bears - to my four eyes- an uncannily more than passing resemblance to a well known local exhaust pipe manufacturing icon. A little younger looking and not quite so mutton chopish BUT.......::)
-
A heart warming tale.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
-
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
-
You're naughty Mick.
-
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any
experience shoeing horses.
He said no, but he had once told a donkey to fork off
-
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys
and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees
you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you
asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
-
Three 3rd Graders: An Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book. And then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called, 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true?
"No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen."
-
A little humour----ala NY style.......
The teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on Brooklyn Tony.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then Brooklyn Tony says, 'I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which
one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Brooklyn Tony replied, 'The correct answer is ' the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
Brooklyn Tony ON MATH
Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father.
The teacher asked ' How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'' replies TONY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me ' How much is 3x2?''
'What's the forking difference ?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH
Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?'
TONY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful.'
Little TONY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go
to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word
urinate in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence
twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!'
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just forking beautiful!' '
Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER
Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Brooklyn Tony replied, 'You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Brooklyn Tony answered, 'No, he minded his own forking business
-
Another great day!
Been to the gym, then had a nice shower.
I've just picked up a bottle of home brew from one of the neighbours for this afternoon.
I've got a few joints rolled up for the X Box tournament with the lads.
After that I'll muck around online with some porn and gambling sites.
Then to finish off the perfect day, it's a nice blow job before I go to bed.
fork I love prison!
-
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in .....
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_D4F1ECCB0E564563AAA0B0D49A0E644Apc1_zps48114df5.jpg)
I asked the trainer standing next to me , "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there ?"
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_92CAB03647A947DF8A9F3A296AE225DEpc1_zps8174dcaf.jpg)
The trainer looked me over and said : "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby .."
-
far out Bill, you've aged!
-
Another great day!
Been to the gym, then had a nice shower.
I've just picked up a bottle of home brew from one of the neighbours for this afternoon.
I've got a few joints rolled up for the X Box tournament with the lads.
After that I'll muck around online with some porn and gambling sites.
Then to finish off the perfect day, it's a nice blow job before I go to bed.
fork I love prison!
-
...bloody Alzheimers... ;D
-
Gynaecologist Assistant...
A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. " "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $95,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Brisbane "
" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man. She answered: "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."
-
Kid's on the back seat causes accidents.
Accidents on the back seat causes kid's.
-
A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter..
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_3E35C2176D04471A95BAA5CF076800D7pc1_zps4fb97bab.jpg)
She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..
At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way
the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"
"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50."
-
>> Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
>>
>>
>> Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
>> the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. He sees the
> postman
>> once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace
> and
>> quiet.
>>
>>
>> After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
>> door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
>>
>> 'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
>> Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about
>> 5:00...'
>>
>> 'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
>> local
>> folks Thank you.'
>>
>> As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
>>
>>
>> 'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink
> with
>> the best of 'em'.
>>
>>
>> Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
>> 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
>>
>>
>> 'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
>> I'll be there. Thanks again.'
>>
>>
>> 'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
>>
>>
>> 'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've
> been
>> all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what
> should
>> I wear?'
>>
>>
>> 'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.
>>
-
I went to that Christmas party the other night down here in Tassie ;D :D ;D
Cheers
Fatboy
-
first or second cousin FB - makes a difference :D
-
The 75yr old is at the Doctor, asks the doc 'I think my wife is going deaf but she won't go to doctors', is there an easy way to check her hearing at home?'
Yes , the doc says, stand back forty feet and in a normal voice ask '" Honey whats for dinner?
Then try again every 10 ft closer till you get a response".
So off home he goes at 40ft away says 'Honey what's for dinner?'
and moves a bit closer each time
He gets ten feet away and she answers FOR F^&* SAKE FOR THE TENTH TIME IT'S CHICKEN!
-
JUST IMAGINE..
If you had bought $1,000.00 of Qantas shares one year ago, you would
have $49.00 today!
If you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33.00
today!
If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today!
BUT.... if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then returned the aluminum cans for recycling....
YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED $214.00!!!
BASED ON THE ABOVE, THE BEST CURRENT INVESTMENT PLAN IS TO
DRINK HEAVILY AND RECYCLE!
AND DID YOU KNOW...
A recent study found that the average Aussie walks 900 MILES A YEAR!!!
Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 GALLONS OF
ALCOHOL A YEAR!!!
THAT MEANS THAT, ON AVERAGE, AUSSIES GET ..... 41 MILES TO THE GALLON.
MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE DOESN'T IT?
-
The nipples of young Miss Hong Kong,
When excited are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.
-
The tool of a fellow called Randall
Shot sparks like a fine Roman candle.
His glorious stand
Produced colours quite grand,
But the girls found him too hot to handle.
The very same man from Khartoum,
Lured an innocent girl to her doom.
He not only fuc ked her,
He buggered and sucked her
And left her to pay for the room.
-
There once was a maiden from Thrace
Whose corsets grew too tight to lace.
Her mother said, 'Nelly,
There's things in your belly
That never got in through your face.
-
You're a poet and didn't know it bud!
-
There once was a maid from Yorkshire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, 'It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you push it a few inches higher?'
-
There was once a man in China
Who thought he was a good rock climber
He slipped on a rock
And knocked off his cock
And now he has a vagina
-
A copper from Old Clapham Junction,
Whose organ had long ceased to function,
Deceived his dear wife
For the rest of her life
With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
-
A forward young man with a fiddle
Asked a young fan, 'Do you diddle?'
She replied, 'Yes, I do,
But prefer it with two -
It's twice as much fun in the middle.'
-
A lady who thought sex a treat
Thought a gang-bang would make life complete.
Fifteen men and a dog
All went the whole hog,
And she left a snail trail down the street.
-
A young man with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He spanked her behind
And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.
-
My friend Billy had a ten foot willy
He showed it to the girl next door
She thought it was a snake
and hit it with a rake
and now its only six foot four!
-
A caddy called Tommy the Tough
Had an heiress way out in the rough.
He said, 'Let's not fu ck,
Let's you and me suck.'
And he buried his head in her muff.
-
An unusual woman called Creek
Had taught her vagina to speak.
It was frequently liable
To quote from the Bible,
But when fu cking - not even a squeak!
-
there was some blokes with a sidecar
whoops.......sorry wrong thread :D
-
there was some blokes with a sidecar
whoops.......sorry wrong thread :D
there once was some blokes with a sidecar, who fought like some tarts in a gay bar ;D
-
There was some blokes with a sidecar
Who fought like some tarts in a gay bar
When asked to produce
And not be a goose
.......
-
There was some blokes with a sidecar
Who fought like some tarts in a gay bar
When asked to produce
And not be a goose
.......
All they could do was talk war ???
-
There was some blokes with a sidecar
Who fought like some tarts in a gay bar
When asked to produce
And not be a goose
.......
In the end they all went too far.
-
There was a young lady from Devizes
whose breasts were of different sizes
one was small
hardly anything at all
the other was large and one prizes
-
There was some blokes with a sidecar
Who fought like some tarts in a gay bar
When asked to produce
And not be a goose
.......
In the end they all went too far.
WINNER
-
There once was a man from Nantuckett
Who dick was so long he could suck it!
He said with a grin... as he licked the cum from his chin...
If my ear was a C%^nt I could Fu&*k it..
-
comón you guys.... the language.....you can't call sidecar riders gay tarts!!! FFS
Yes I understand we have become the butt of all your jokes so it must be time to sell the Wasp.
There once was an old chap with Wasp
Who rode 'til his very last gasp
His passenger swung
'cause has was very well hung
But alas they realised ....all was Lost
-
There once was an old chap with Wasp
Who rode 'til his very last gasp
His passenger swung
'cause has was very well hung
But alas they realised ....all was Lost
;D ;D ;D
-
A Half-Drunk Bloke goes into a Pub, and the Barmaid asks what he wants.
"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between
your tits" he says.
"You dirty bastard!" shouts the Barmaid, "get out before I get my
husband."
The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of
your arse and lick it all off."
She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.
"One more chance," says the Barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your
pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
The Barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to
fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.
"What's up love?" he asks.
"There's a bloke in the Bar who wants to put his head between my tits
and lick the sweat off", she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and
lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with
Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches
the TV back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of
Guinness..."
-
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/photo-1_zps33d90b44.jpg)
-
there was some blokes with a sidecar
whoops.......sorry wrong thread :D
there once was some blokes with a sidecar, who fought like some tarts in a gay bar ;D
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D ;)
-
Diary of an Alice Springs Summer (by a Pom)
August 31st
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Alice Springs!! Now
this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy
evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the
verandah It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
September 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see
the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.
September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and
rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to
this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting
used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed
3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to
respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to
the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery. I
told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat
shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.
October 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant ****in blow dryer!! And it's hot as
hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman charged
$200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.
October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $300,000 house
and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
November 4th:
It's 38 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today. It cost
$500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but the bloody humidity makes the
house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid ****in
place.
November 8th:
If another wise arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
****in throttle him. ****in heat! By the time I get to work the car's
radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soakin ****in wet, and I smell
like baked cat!!
November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ****in arse was on fire. I
lost
2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my ****in
arse. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.
November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a ****in recording. Hot and sunny. Hot
and sunny. Hot and ****in sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2
damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn ****in place? Water rationing will be
next, so my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the
****in
pool. Even the palms can't live in this ****in heat.
November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 41 today. Now the air-conditioner's
gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you
today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail my arse
out of jail for assulting the stupid ****er. **** Alice Springs! What
kind
of a sick demented ****in idiot would want to live here?
December 1st:
WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? You are ****in kiddin
-
(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/421953_323677411016025_1096633257_n_zps92ce09f0.jpg)
-
One should not take the English language for granted.
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the
celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of
last century.
" Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good
condition?"
"Sticks?" Paddy said.
-
TM Bill, that was the best yet, still crying!
-
Me too.p
-
4 old guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom.
The three others talked about their kids.
The first guy said, my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas.
The second guy said, Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift!.
The third man said well that's terrific! My son studied in the best university and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!
The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what all the congratulations are for. One of the three guys said, were talking about the pride we feel for the success of our sons
What about your son? They asked the 4th guy.
The fourth man replied,: my son is gay and makes his living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said that's a shame what a disappointment.
The fourth man replied, Nah, I'm not ashamed he is my son and I love him and he hasn’t done to badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.
-
Gt thats gold ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Jan. 28th, 2013
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM ..
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Bunnings Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ...
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT !
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
.................................................................................................
From Guys in the Witness Protection Program
-
After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror ... remembering her intimate times with Bill Clinton.
Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help: "Lord, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.
And just like that, her ears fell off.
-
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
-
Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.
His new wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.
“Tim Darling now that we are married I think it's time you gave up golf. Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs." Tim looked horrified.
She said, “Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.” Tim replied.
“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before!"
“I haven't!” He replied.
-
A blonde goes to Frank's pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says:
'SEX FROGS'
Only $20 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to Frank behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'
As Frank packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper that says, 'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store. Frank says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'
Frank. . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:
LISTEN TO ME!!
I'm only going to show you how to do this
ONE MORE TIME!!!
-
Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top, I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi' and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it
on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well I have,' I corrected her. 'You see when I was 17 I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it
up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now' she purred. 'OK' I replied. Again she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping
past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point,
but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, she pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton and she was wet !
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c#nt?'
'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
-
Registration on the first day back at school in Birmingham UK
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here."
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here."
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."
"Ali Son al Len" - Silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al Len" - Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
The teacher repeated the call.
A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced
Alison Allen.
-
This outfits a joke
http://vintagextrememotorcycles.com.au/make/yamaha-motorcycles
Piss poor joke >:( Read the full story here
Reply 42 on page 3 sums it up
http://ozvmx.com/community/index.php?topic=26190.0
-
Vacation
Every year Susan goes on holiday with her flat mate.
(http://i427.photobucket.com/albums/pp359/vintage_addict/Share/flatmate.jpg)
-
His wife says-
GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU ONLY WANT SEX WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK ! ! !
He says,
Thats bullsh*7 Sometimes I want Pizza.
-
Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
>
> Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
> ears and I think both his legs are broken.'
> Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
>
> Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
> Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
> Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
> Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
>
> More heavy breathing and another minute later.
>
> Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
> This goes on for another few minutes until....
> Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
>
> Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat.... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
> dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'
>
-
The postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his
usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that
both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the home owner,
coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the
recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a
party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had
it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since
4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the
neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we
started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you
play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out
one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels'
showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who
it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun,
I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.
-
A look back at 2012...
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs
-----------------------
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40
------------------------
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.................
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon
-------------------
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!
-------------------------
2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They're both in hospital... one's in a korma...
the other's got a dodgy tikka!
----------------------
The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!
----------------------------
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on
-------------------------------
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth
-
You gotta hand it to that Lance Armstrong , when i was doing drugs i couldn't even find my bloody bike
-
(http://i1112.photobucket.com/albums/k495/firko2/ATT0000999_zpsda70d576.jpg)
-
not funny Firko, it's happened--says me on the computer--AHHH. Technology aye, where would we be without it.
-
not funny Firko, it's happened--says me on the computer--AHHH. Technology aye, where would we be without it.
Out side or in the shed doing the shit we should be doing ;D
-
"Jesus loves you".
A nice gesture in church...but not something you want to hear in a Mexican prison.
-
Can you spare just $5.00 ?
Ranjitu is a 9yr old boy living in
Zambia .
He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to
School along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.
If you send us just $5.00, we will send you the video- its hilarious.
* I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.
All he says is, "Good morning, you ugly prick."
The parrot isn't yours is it?
*In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.
The question I got wrong was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently, it's Africa .
*My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the
two of us on Valentine's Night.
Problem was she isn't interested in Snooker & Darts.
*A mate of mine has just told me he's bonking his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell
them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."
-
Fat-Toy this is a classic . quote
" Can you spare just $5.00 ?
Ranjitu is a 9yr old boy living in
Zambia .
He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to
School along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.
If you send us just $5.00, we will send you the video- its hilarious."
I know Im not supposed to think this was funny but I almost wet myself laughing .
-
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
-
A man was in court for murdering his wife.
among the crowded courtroom sat his neighbuor.
During the proceedings the prosecution started the gruesom explanation of how the murder was commited.
"The husband struck his wife to the head with a large spanner"
"Rotten Bastard" the neighbour yelled.
"He then stabbed her several times in the chest with a screwdriver"
"Lousy Prick" the neighbour yells.
The judge turns to the neighbour and waarns him that he will be expelled from the court if he makes one more comment.
The neighbour replies "I am sorry your honour but I have been to his house several times to borrow tools to fix my motorcycle and he told me that he didn't have any"
-
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was
snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “F*ck it, soldier on!”
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel
.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
-
(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a393/gmcloa/Misc/Colliwobbelles_zpscc67bda4.jpg)
-
:D :D :D
-
sorry Geoff - I take offence to that. Graham can you please blacklist him forever - what were you thinking of - for gawds sake man. The boys are on the way around
:D
-
(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a393/gmcloa/Misc/Colliwobbelles_zpscc67bda4.jpg)
:D :D :D ;D
-
(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a393/gmcloa/Misc/Colliwobbelles_zpscc67bda4.jpg)
The word collingwood needs to be substituted with 'AFL'...
-
sorry Geoff - I take offence to that. Graham can you please blacklist him forever - what were you thinking of - for gawds sake man. The boys are on the way around
:D
(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a393/gmcloa/Misc/Gassit-1B_zps305a8a8f.jpg)
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I heard that most people hit overdrive when they hit 40, I think my drive must be over!
pancho.
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Last night my damn next-doors dog kept barking.
So stuff him, I went and got the dog an chained it up in my yard.
NOW HE CAN PUT UP WITH THE NEXT DOORS BLOODY DOG!
cheers
-
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
'1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
-
To good TM! ;D ;D ;D
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PAIN TRANSFER!
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the baby's Father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than
the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The
husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch
-
WELCOME TO THE 21TH CENTURY!!! How Clever and TRUE.
*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tyres ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless
*Children ~ Mannerless
*Politicans - Gutless
Everything is becoming LESS
but still our hopes are - Endless.
In fact I am - Speechless
-
Geoff.............................................................................wanker!
:-*
-
Jeez Rossco, you been hibernating mate?
You go fishing on here and it takes a while to get a bite some days.
Lets see what this brings ;D :D
CONDOM HISTORY.....
Interesting piece of history!
In 1802, the Kiwis invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.
In 1822, the Aussies somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine
out of the sheep first.
-
Love Is ... Very touching!!!
My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.............
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip.. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you x."
I replied........"I am having a shit. What should I do?"
-
Love Is ... Very touching!!!
My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.............
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip.. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you x."
I replied........"I am having a shit. What should I do?"
GOLD ;D ;D
-
At the end of the tax year, the Australian Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the ATO agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Australian Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
-
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagiano ?
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months’ vacation and five very good leads.'
-
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
-
The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre.
He could not remove the pigeons from the city.
All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.
One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city'
'But, you must promise not to ask me any questions'
'Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question'
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.
The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.
All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column.
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons.
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a cheque for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.
The mayor asked:
'Do you have a blue Muslim ??
-
Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the first bloke to wake up legless on Valentines Day, after shooting a load into his girlfriends face whilst imagining she was someone else?
He wants to get bail so he can go to CD When is it? ;D
-
Chili
This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do"?
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead".
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too".
-
Cowboy ties his horse up at the front of the bar, walks around the back, lifts the horse's tail, wipes his fingers down its bum then wipes the finger across his lips.
A bloke walks up to him & says "What did ya do that for?"
Cowboys says "Chapped lips"
The other bloke says with a curious tone "Does that fix em?"
Cowboys says "Nah, but it stops me licking the bastards"
666
-
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her.......... It was the
silence of the
limbs.
Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes,
who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.
White man arrested for murder.
Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
Surely Oscar Pistorious cant be the first man to wake up legless on
Valentine's Day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone
else!
I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.
What do you call a room full of dead people?
An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name..
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
A young woman is dead, the life of up-and-coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious,
is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's
prosthetic... I mean pathetic.
I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over
tonight.
And the Oscar goes to...
Prison.
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"Pardon the interruption, kind sir, and I’m most awfully sorry to bother you, but would you mind terribly if I asked you - in the gentlest and friendliest terms, mind you - whether you might consent to considering yourself under arrest?”
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Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple really, says the seller, 'Whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' (true story)
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and does it, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom and does the same thing right there on the dinner table.
After that, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the dishes!!'
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(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_4F729FB0FD8849DD9B1D55F5BA1AEED6pc1_zps7f343e82.jpg)
I want one! Trouble is that the ones it applies to probably can't read it anyway >:(
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Im with you :) i went to a great deal of personal trouble and expense to procure these signs , but then i realised that the average genius we deal with cannot read or write ::)
I have considered the repeating DVD option , but the Bastards will probably thieve the screen ::)
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/Signage002_zpsd935f16d.jpg)
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/Signage003_zps0adc0058.jpg)
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(http://i640.photobucket.com/albums/uu123/canam370/IMG_1048_zpsad4d887b.jpg)
Doesn't seem to help.
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Whilst Oscar missed out on a Valentines Day blow job, he can look forward to anal sex every night for the next 20 years
he had fairly good aim for a bloke that prefers to use blades
Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Never surprise
Oscar Pistorius
I don't understand why he didn't just leg it after shooting her.
if he represents himself in court, does that make him a paralegal?
He'd have to anyway - no way he could foot the bill.
the gun's safety catch was disabled
Magistrate grants Pistorius bail, no decision on where to put ankle monitor.
Oscar Pistorius wanted to change the colour of his bathroom door , but his girlfriend was dead against it .
Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins have signed on for a new movie about Oscar Pistorious breaking out of prison.
It'll be called The Sawn-shank Redemption.
Oscar Pistorius has complained about insensitivity to Reevas death by 'gutless' internet warriors making jokes.
He's obviously lost his funny bone now too..
(copied for performance forums)
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Now .... about those 72 virgins.....
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah..
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since
I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I
Never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know
What to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72
Virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them
Before they could experience the pleasure of sex.. So 'you're' here to
Service 'them'. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually
Ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard
Can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied................."Who mentioned women?"
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THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his Face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
-
In a Tottenham church on Sunday morning a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
... The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know Sir-- It ain't 'til next Thursday."
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The world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. as he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. 'Just released – new LP "Wasps of the world and the sounds that they make" – available now’.
Unable to resist the temptation, he goes into the shop and says: “I am the world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window.”
“Certainly sir”, says the man behind the counter. If you'd like to step in the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you.”
The world expert on wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces: “I am the world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognise none of those.”
“I'm sorry sir”, says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth I can let you have another ten minutes.”
The world expert on and the sounds that they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. “I don’t understand it”, he says, “I am the world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I still can't recognise any of those.”
“I really am terribly sorry”, says the young assistant, “I've just realised I was playing the bee side.”
-
A couple of weeks ago in church I noticed that when the women in front of me stood up, she had her dress tucked in between the cheeks of her bum so I just reached forward and pulled it out. Next thing I know she turns around and slapped my face.
Last sunday at church the same thing happened her dress was tucked in and the woman beside me reached over and pulled it out. Well me knowing that she didn't like it out, I just tucked it back in again.
My case is scheduled for hearing on the 24th of next month.
Zane
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Bloke picks up a lady Jockey at a pub and takes her home and the nxt day she invites him to the races with the promise of a couple of "tips"
she comes out on the horse and rubs her tits and he looks at the guide "two abreast" and puts his cash on and it comes home!
The next race she pats her thigh and he sees "legs eleven" on the card and puts his cash on that and home it comes...
in the last race she comes out scratching her muff and he doesnt bet, a bit confused..
after the race she says "did you get on that last one?? " Itchy Mickey" at 20:1???"
"Bugger!!" he says "I though you were telling me the c**** was scratched"!!!
-
JOHN! too rude! but bloody funny
The world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street. as he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. 'Just released – new LP "Wasps of the world and the sounds that they make" – available now’.
Unable to resist the temptation, he goes into the shop and says: “I am the world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window.”
“Certainly sir”, says the man behind the counter. If you'd like to step in the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you.”
The world expert on wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces: “I am the world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognise none of those.”
“I'm sorry sir”, says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth I can let you have another ten minutes.”
The world expert on and the sounds that they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. “I don’t understand it”, he says, “I am the world expert on wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I still can't recognise any of those.”
“I really am terribly sorry”, says the young assistant, “I've just realised I was playing the bee side.”
-
Two older women were having lunch together, And discussing the
> merits of cosmetic surgery.
> >
> >
> >The first woman said, "I need to be
> honest with you, I'm getting a boob-job."
>
> >
>
> >The second woman responded, "Really? I'm thinking of having my arse-
> hole bleached!"
>
> >
>
> >"Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your
> husband as a blonde!"
>
> >
-
RABBITS
The Australian C.S.I.R.O.. have announced that live rabbits
will no longer be used in their scientific experiments.
Muslims will now be used instead........... A top scientist has
stated that the advantage of using Muslims is they breed just as fast
as rabbits, but you don't get fond of them.
-
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied "He had a heart attack while we were making love last Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, due to our advancing age, we realised the best time to do it was when the church bells would ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, just in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive today if that f**cking icecream truck hadn't come along..."
-
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied "He had a heart attack while we were making love last Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, due to our advancing age, we realised the best time to do it was when the church bells would ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, just in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd still be alive today if that f**cking icecream truck hadn't come along..."
LOL! ;D Got my day going.
-
The Monoploy game makers, who were going to make a Perth W.A version of their game, have had to quit their efforts as it was shown there wasn't going to be enough money in the bank for players to be able to afford to buy houses and all the hotels had all been taken by FiFo workers.
-
WARNING BOUND TO BE SOMTHING HERE TO OFFEND THE DOG BOTHERERS ON HERE < SO DONT forkING READ IT
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_3E12295E99DC4323986784F27302E25Dbillbrye_zps09b29fe3.png) (http://s40.photobucket.com/user/tmbill/media/cid_3E12295E99DC4323986784F27302E25Dbillbrye_zps09b29fe3.png.html)
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Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.
-
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly
realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life
for me!
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
I'm retired. Go around me.
Some Senior Thoughts
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1.. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2.. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3.. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6.. If all is not lost, where is it?
7.. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8.. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9.. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in
the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to
play chess?
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter; I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE..........
-
What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the bollocks?
Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the bollocks.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the bollocks."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
-
Well, that answers that then.
Always wondered that myself, but had never drunk enough beer to contemplate it....or, more likely, was too wrapped up in some bench race where I was in front...... when I fouled a plug......
-
What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the bollocks?
Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the bollocks.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the bollocks."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
:D :D :D ;D
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Smart Arse answer 2 Dumb questions
SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Tesco's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, he?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"
SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
"Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
-
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I afraid I don't have a husband" she replied "O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either.
Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film.The lead man was black."
"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that’s really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy
"Oh, I`m sorry,"
The midwife repeats, "that’s really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted Eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved.
"I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
The midwife Fainted......
-
"G'day mate, Fosters Helpline. What's the problem dude?"
"I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her tits by a hornet, and now her vagina has completely closed
up"
"Bummer dude"
"Good advice, bye"
-
In 1978 the great australian dream was 20,000 Kiwi's swimming home with a Vietnamese under each arm.
In 2013 the great australian dream is 250,000 Kiwi's swimming home with an Arab under one arm and a Shrilankan under the other.
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In 1978 the great australian dream was 20,000 Kiwi's swimming home with a Vietnamese under each arm.
In 2013 the great australian dream is 250,000 Kiwi's swimming home with an Arab under one arm and a Shrilankan under the other.
Then who would you have to thrash in the Rugby League???? :D :D
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Someone asked me,
Now that you're retired, "do you have another job?"
I replied, “Yes I am my wife's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, they said
"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she
wants my forking advice, she'll ask me for it."
-
I just heard back from Tech Support (the Mrs)...
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
I’m sorry to say once you have upgraded to wife 1.0 you cannot reset to last configuration and it seems that you have tried to fix the problem yourself by acquiring further upgrades and by so doing have exacerbated the original problem which could have been annulled easily enough prior to registration.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them
Wife 1.0 mistakes files – no access was built into the program to delete this folder however if you download the mini break 5.star with spa and masseuse options this program often overrides the mistakes folder and no further action will resurface on the folders contents by Wife 1.0.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge are viruses and once they integrate into Wife 1.0 they are very hard to fix however Romance 24/7 and Attention 1.0.1 will disinfect Wife 1.0 and program will run without too many glitches. You can prevent the launching of these viruses by installing the previous programs prior to infection but as in your case it seems that’s already too late.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Unfortunately these programs are necessary for Wife 1.0 to function correctly and if you don’t update regularly FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005 will crash.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Through personal experience I’ve found that Quality time together (upgraded regularly) works well for this problem or Young hunky Chauffer 25 will keep Wife 1.0 from attaching to your Saab93 hard drive by diverting Wife 1.0 output to other ports.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
The MotherInLaw pop-up can be disabled by installing GrandChildren 2.5 thus overwhelming the MotherInLaw pop-up’s response activation codes and disabling communication interface.
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Install Mistress 2005 at your own peril!!
Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.
I hope this advice was helpful to you.
Technical support
-
A mates missus told him to get some of those pills that help men get an erection
He went to the chemist and when he returned he handed her a bottle of diet pills
The doctor said hes expected to live but will never walk straight or ride a bike again
-
Victor is sitting on his usual train to London and across from him is a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Vic replies and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll Make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Victor, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Victor rushes over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Victor replies, "You’re kidding—you mean it can whistle, too?”
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A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist!' The priest fainted!
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Pay Rise
(http://i427.photobucket.com/albums/pp359/vintage_addict/Share/pay_rise.jpg) (http://s427.photobucket.com/user/vintage_addict/media/Share/pay_rise.jpg.html)
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck."Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?"says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"
-
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.
'What happened, Grandpa?' asked by his concerned children.
'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. I took it out and started to pee, but when I looked at it I didn't think it was mine, so I put it back!'
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Low Battery ( The caller of the year)
A Young man saved his girlfriend's phone number on
his mobile as "LOW BATTERY".
Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife
takes the phone and plugs it to the charger.
Give that man a medal!
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Trust
There comes a time when a woman just has to have faith in her husband.
For example...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket,
she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling, your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say, 'hello'?"
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Hospital Bill
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Income Tax Statement...
Hello, is this Miss Singleton? -
Yes, it is me.
Miss Singleton, this is John Smith, your tax accountant. I must inform you that your tax
statement was rejected by the IRS...They say that your salary and your possessions are
incompatible...Your salary as a secretary is too low for you to be able to afford a luxury
apartment, a new Mercedes-Benz, expensive clothing, jewelry, vacations in Europe, etc.
- Oh, and what can I do about it?
Well, let's do the following: Send me a recent copy of your principal source of income,
and I'll see what I can do with it at the IRS.
- Very well Mr. Smith. I'm making a photocopy of it now, and I will fax it to you shortly.
(http://i427.photobucket.com/albums/pp359/vintage_addict/Share/income_source.jpg) (http://s427.photobucket.com/user/vintage_addict/media/Share/income_source.jpg.html)
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D love it
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A recent article in the Essex ‘Express & Star’ reported that a woman has
Sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there
Recently, he had lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied,
“The man was actually admitted in Ophthalmology....
.....all we did was correct his eyesight...”
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An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'
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(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_CDDDCB0986A04C0A8E785BF563C23E85pc1_zps12507375.jpg) (http://s40.photobucket.com/user/tmbill/media/cid_CDDDCB0986A04C0A8E785BF563C23E85pc1_zps12507375.jpg.html)
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The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened ?" "What happened ? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying thatI was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found ? My wife, yes my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!" "Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story.Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened." Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation ... Rachel didn't receive your Email."
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New iron woman competition
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_7FD267281B794849B711089E96857CECpc1_zps78d82fbb.jpg) (http://s40.photobucket.com/user/tmbill/media/cid_7FD267281B794849B711089E96857CECpc1_zps78d82fbb.jpg.html)
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DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER:
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.
Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.
Man: So where's your forkin' Ferrari?
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(http://i1199.photobucket.com/albums/aa474/090bvb/photo_zps5bd53ca6.jpg) (http://s1199.photobucket.com/user/090bvb/media/photo_zps5bd53ca6.jpg.html)
(http://i1199.photobucket.com/albums/aa474/090bvb/photo_zps07e3abcf.jpg) (http://s1199.photobucket.com/user/090bvb/media/photo_zps07e3abcf.jpg.html)
(http://i1199.photobucket.com/albums/aa474/090bvb/photo_zpsf703f295.jpg) (http://s1199.photobucket.com/user/090bvb/media/photo_zpsf703f295.jpg.html)(http://i1199.photobucket.com/albums/aa474/090bvb/photo_zps3dc3971b.jpg) (http://s1199.photobucket.com/user/090bvb/media/photo_zps3dc3971b.jpg.html)
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We were all brought up thinking that the heart you see signifying
Valentine's Day is similar to the human heart organ. That cannot be
further from the truth, as human hearts are oblong and have a bunch
of nasty looking arteries and ventricles coming out of them.
The photo below shows clearly the true origin of the Valentine heart.
v
v
v
v
v
v
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_70A5DC6EEAD24CCCB2670FF0A6FB1D6Dpc1_zps47e8d4d5.jpg) (http://s40.photobucket.com/user/tmbill/media/cid_70A5DC6EEAD24CCCB2670FF0A6FB1D6Dpc1_zps47e8d4d5.jpg.html)
I hope you learned something today.
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CONFUCIUS SAYS
Confucius Say. It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you
Confucius Say. A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise
Confucius Say. It is better to lose a lover than love a loser
Confucius Say. A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts
Confucius Say. Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest
Confucius Say. Viagra is like Disneyland ... a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride
Confucius Say. It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want
Confucius Say. A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it
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Confucious say:
Girl who sleeps outside syn-agog bound to wake up with heavy Dew on top!
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Boy goes on holiday in fiji, texts his mate in NZ, the weather here is like your mum, 36 and forking hot. his mate texts back, in NZ its like your sister, 16 and wet as!
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I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!
-
I saw a car with a bumper sticker saying : " I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal".
Suddenly I realized how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.
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And you thought you were having a bad day ;)
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/cid_03327D47C1A449E09B65D4B75409E30Bpc1_zpsd1a2ef4d.jpg) (http://s40.photobucket.com/user/tmbill/media/cid_03327D47C1A449E09B65D4B75409E30Bpc1_zpsd1a2ef4d.jpg.html)
Even for a Squirell thats gotta hurt :o
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and you all thought they kept their nuts in a tree :D :D
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(http://i1112.photobucket.com/albums/k495/firko2/blood_zpsf7783bd5.jpg) (http://s1112.photobucket.com/user/firko2/media/blood_zpsf7783bd5.jpg.html)
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
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A mother and her 6-year-old son were flying Air New Zealand from Auckland to Sydney.
SON: If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
MOTHER: Why don’t you ask the flight attendant that?
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant.
SON: If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Did your mother tell you to ask me that?
SON: Yes.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Well, then, please tell your mother that AIR NEW ZEALAND does not have baby planes because Air New Zealand always pulls out on time!
SON: What does that mean?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Why don’t you ask your mother that?
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If you like cats this is hilarious, if you don't it's still funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKffm2uI4dk
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MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
Concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
Attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
Told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
Until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
Told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
Hug her mother, saying,
'Oh mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward
He stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Vicar, I'll tell you, that was a
Damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The Vicar said,
'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
Thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The Vicar said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
Appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
Large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.
'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Hervey Bay .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
All and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
Man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Boat club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His mates at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.’ So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
A group of Victorians were travelling by tour bus through Hervey Bay.
As they stopped at the Dairy C0-OP, a young guide led them through
The process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in Victoria with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
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Went to bed last night with a blind chick I picked up.
She was stroking me gentle when she gasped and exclaimed that I had the biggest hairest cock she'd ever felt.....
I just laughed and said....."oh...you're pulling my leg!"
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I was coming home from the pub Karaoke the other night when I saw this bloke staggering 'round a light post obviously looking for something.
Can I help you mate? what have you lost?
My wallet mate he spluttered,
Well I can't see it here, are you sure you dropped it right here mate?, he answers no cobber it was back there a bit.
?? I said to him, well why are you looking here?
There's more light here mate.
cheers
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If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . . here are some of his gems:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
And the all-time favourite -
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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(http://i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n546/nobby25/b_zps874b0e6d.jpg) (http://s1139.photobucket.com/user/nobby25/media/b_zps874b0e6d.jpg.html)
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Divorce Letter !!
husband wife and divorce letter
Dear Husband:
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.
P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life!!! >>> Your EX-Wife <<<
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES :
1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2 TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
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(http://i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n546/nobby25/579535_411570485530922_1616339690_n_zps2a32d61c.jpg) (http://s1139.photobucket.com/user/nobby25/media/579535_411570485530922_1616339690_n_zps2a32d61c.jpg.html)
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Is that chest protector FIM approved???
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The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet. ???
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?" >:
...
A little voice came out of the box.....
"I heard you the first F****** time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
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A useful sign; could be used on a wide range of machines!
(http://i427.photobucket.com/albums/pp359/vintage_addict/Share/equipment_sign.jpg) (http://s427.photobucket.com/user/vintage_addict/media/Share/equipment_sign.jpg.html)
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A useful sign; could be used on a wide range of machines!
(http://i427.photobucket.com/albums/pp359/vintage_addict/Share/equipment_sign.jpg) (http://s427.photobucket.com/user/vintage_addict/media/Share/equipment_sign.jpg.html)
:D :Dwhere can I get the sticker from ;D good one
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Could think of several uses!
1/ Next to all RT1 kick starters.
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A bloke in the city set up a table on the footparth with brown paper bags containing "FACTS" as per the sign he had on the front edge of the table.
People hurrying off to work just gave a curious passing glance and didn't stop.
A passing Magistrate was bemused by the sign, and he as was always interested in 'just the facts' decided to pay up the $10 to satisfy his curiosity.
He payed up,
Opened up the paper bag to see a big turd inside!
He exclaimed...SHIT!!
The sales man said....
That's a fact sir
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At dawn the telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Bob ? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob , that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob ."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Bob , he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Bob ."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Bob .."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Bob . She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
Zane
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watch the vids,gold :P
http://www.bohemian.com/BohoBlog/archives/2013/07/12/ktvu-reports-asiana-pilots-named-sum-ting-wong-ho-lee-fuk
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watch the vids,gold :P
http://www.bohemian.com/BohoBlog/archives/2013/07/12/ktvu-reports-asiana-pilots-named-sum-ting-wong-ho-lee-fuk
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Gold, priceless gold... ;D :D
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was even on my local radio stations 5 pm news,but for obvious reasons',they stated,they didn't read out the 1st pilots name :D,classic,makes you wonder!!,apparently the US radio station checked 1st with Aviation authority,those names were confirmed ;D,(somebody else likes a good joke too),a pisser, :P
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And the newsreader's name SUM DUM HO ;)
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An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
"But a man is sitting on the well!"
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTYVjlgSrg0
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The first part of this is true!
Probably contains too much information but here goes any way.
The other day I developed a rash on my back side, so I adjourned to the bathroom and got a lanolin based nappy wipe thingo and applied it to the appropriate spot.
BUT I grabbed the wrong container wich contained ISO anti bacterial wipes!!!!! After a few loud carefully chosen words I started to laugh, 'cos I tremembered an old joke.
It goes like this,
A bloke pulled up with his horse and cart to get a hamburger from the old greek cafe, he got his 'burger but his horse jibbed and wouldn't move.
The old Greek came out with a hot potato and said 'lift the horses tail, put the hot 'tater on his bum and he'll go'!
So they did that and the horse took off , ..... the bloke said
get another one 'cos I'll have to catch the so & so.
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YEP Waaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to much information ;D
Once you mentally visualise something you can not un-visualise it :o
:-X
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(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/driving_zpsa250f9c2.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/driving_zpsa250f9c2.jpg.html)
(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/marriage_zpsb1307b17.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/marriage_zpsb1307b17.jpg.html)
(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/marbles_zps9da314aa.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/marbles_zps9da314aa.jpg.html)
(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/teenager_zpsa22481a7.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/teenager_zpsa22481a7.jpg.html)
(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/ciggarettes_zps961f4cac.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/ciggarettes_zps961f4cac.jpg.html)
(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/tragedies_zps41751b1a.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/tragedies_zps41751b1a.jpg.html)
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A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.
The Kiwi whisks three biscuits into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.
The Kiwi says to the Australian, "You see how clever we are ? You'll never beat that !!"
The Australian says to the Kiwi, "Watch this - an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi."
He says to the baker, "Give me a biscuit - I can show you a magic trick !!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker, “Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too.
Then he says again, "Give me one more biscuit."
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Australian eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick ?"
The Australian says, "Look in the Kiwi’s pocket !!"
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/282825_4466760247064_1305506785_n.jpg)
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/282825_4466760247064_1305506785_n.jpg)
;D
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(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/535746_666728306688999_145459571_n_zpsc46241be.jpg) (http://s40.photobucket.com/user/tmbill/media/535746_666728306688999_145459571_n_zpsc46241be.jpg.html)
P E T A people enjoying tasty animals :)
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First Time Sex
It is clean and funny.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
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WARNING,WARNING,WARNING; Never buy a family pack of condoms.....They have holes in them and you will soon have a family.p
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Tonsils vs. Circumcision
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on trolleys next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid.
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to
sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year.
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http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/2011-Great-Wall-V200-/111135825339?pt=AU_Cars&hash=item19e0361dbb
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http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/2011-Great-Wall-V200-/111135825339?pt=AU_Cars&hash=item19e0361dbb
Now that's funny
"IF YOU HAVE ANY SMART ARSE COMMENTS DON'T BOTHER BECAUSE I HAVE HAD THEM ALL BEFORE"
I wonder why .. ;D
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just a little bit sad :o
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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.
On the other hand, if you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite bench tops."
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http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/2011-Great-Wall-V200-/111135825339?pt=AU_Cars&hash=item19e0361dbb
Speechless I think this pic says it all
(http://i.ebayimg.com/00/s/MTYwMFgxMTk1/z/FSIAAMXQBlJR~anz/$(KGrHqEOKpIFH,GoeEO4BR+,nzH+0Q~~60_57.JPG)
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I wonder if they make a similar body kit to fit my Grand Cherokee? Simply gorgeous.
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Granite benchtops.. beautiful!!
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The plastic "turbo" badge rounds of that package nicely. Bargain at $25k. ;D ;D ;D ;D
PS I see the owner is from Cowra which explains a lot makes me sooo glad I moved away from there..........
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Male Logic - Critical Thinking At Its Best!
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400. correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
-
http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/2011-Great-Wall-V200-/111135825339?pt=AU_Cars&hash=item19e0361dbb
Must be towed a fair bit as its got tow points back and front or he's expecting it to .
-
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
-
Men are Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
-
(http://imageshack.us/a/img843/1238/rwby.jpg)
-
I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out
"Can I see your ticket please ?" "Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a shit."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn !"
My girlfriend says that a small penis won’t affect our relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all !
My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he got fired for stealing.
At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.
-
If Julia Gillard, Tony Abbot and Kevin Rudd fell out of a plane at the same time at 10,000 feet which one would hit the ground first?
Who cares!!
-
about 95 percent correct! Rudd would watch it happen and Gillard would wonder what happened!
-
There was this fancy dress party you see and everyone had to dress up as to represent a feeling or an emotion.
Sooooo.. a bloke turns up with no gear on except for a bowl of desert supported on his MANHOOD!
The hostess is flabbergastered and while she is calling the bouncer she says'What emotion does that outfit represent ..wait for it ...
"Im f****ing discustard"
-
His mate turned up also with his apendage in a piece of hollowed out fruit. Apparently he had "come in despair"
-
:o ;D
-
This poor bugger was just out for a trail ride. Doesn't look like but NZ maybe TM Bill can confirm if he knows the attacker?
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6jgjk3DsN7c
-
Very Funnny, I do wonder if it is fictional. He had some balls to take it on, I would have taken off...
-
> Sorry that password has expired - you must register a new one.
>
> Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?
>
> No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.
>
> Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?
>
> Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
>
> Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
>
> No, you must get a new one.
>
> I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
>
> Sorry, you must get a new one.
>
> OK, roses.
>
> Sorry you must use more letters.
>
> OK, pretty roses
>
> No good, you must use at least one numerical character.
>
> OK, 1 pretty rose
>
> Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.
>
> OK, 1prettyrose
>
> Sorry, you must use additional characters.
>
> OK, 1f#*kingprettyrose
>
> Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.
>
> OK, 1F#*KINGprettyrose
>
> Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
>
> OK, 1F#*kingprettyrose
>
> Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.
>
> OK, 1F#*kingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightf#*kingnow
>
> Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used.
-
Pay Back
Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn’t make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in………..”
-
No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: "Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand."
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
-
Nearly a forking month without a joke on here WTF ::)
This is all to serious :'(
New South Africa
>
> A Canadian man decides he's had more than enough ice and snow, and he's
> going to migrate to a warmer climate. So he packs his possessions into his
> car, straps his skis to the roof, and decides to drive until someone asks
> him what his skis are. He figures that if people don't know what skis are,
> then there's little chance of it being as cold and miserable as Canada.
>
> So off he goes. He drives and drives... He drives the whole way through
> the
> States, right down through South America, and no-one asks him what his
> skis
> are. So he puts his car on a ship, and sails up to Asia. He drives right
> through Asia, Europe, and then down through Africa, but still no-one asks
> him what his skis are.
>
> Eventually he arrives at a petrol station outside Pietersburg, and the
> attendant asks him "Hey, Baas, what is that on your roof?" At long last -
> his quest is over, so in the next week he buys a house from a nice family
> who are emigrating to Australia. He writes home to his family, gives them
> his new address and tells them to sell everything and come and join him in
> Pietersburg.
>
> Unfortunately, with the SA postal system being what it is, it takes
> several
> months for the letter to arrive in Canada, but as soon as the family get
> it,
> they sell up everything and catch the first plane over to SA. However,
> when
> they arrive at the address given in the letter, the house is deserted.
> Everything which wasn't nailed down, (and quite a few things that were)
> have
> been stolen, and a family of squatters has taken up residence in the front
> garden.
>
> While the family are standing round looking lost and confused, they notice
> one of the neighbours enjoying a braai round the pool.
> They call the neighbour over (they can't walk up to him because of the
> electric fencing and the two Rottweilers) and ask him if he knows what has
> become of the Canadian who used to live next door.
> "Ag well, you see," says the neighbour, "he lived there for about a month,
> and then one day, he packed some stuff into his car and just drove off,
> and
> we haven't seen him since.
> And the strangest thing is, when he drove off, he had a black man strapped
> to the roof of his car."
>
-
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and couldn't play anymore.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge....
....looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with.
There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy!"
"My balls are itchy!"
-
Better than a spud gun ?
Dare you to watch this without sniggering... :o
http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=24113d89dfd8
-
Shit that's funny ;D un nowww ze zampain bottle , but it protects ze hands so vell.
Is it for real or a set up :-\ that lump on his bonce looks real enough ;D
-
Ahhh, that woulda stung! And the next candidate for a Darwin award is? :o
-
shame he didnt have the slo-mo camera pointed at his silly head
-
The last shot of him sitting against the brick wall is reminiscint of any one of a dozen of us just before first race on a Sunday at Heaven....haha
-
A qoute in the paper today with regards to Tony Abbott and the RFS?
"Tony is an extremely fit guy and pulls his weight out there; in fact he often pulls more than his own weight.
oh dear
-
Maybe he should delegate the fire fight instead of delegating the running of the country.
Where are all the security? did they swap guns for fire hoses??
cheers
-
Better than a spud gun ?
Dare you to watch this without sniggering... :o
http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=24113d89dfd8
Finally stopped laughing ;D ;D ;D
This is an extreamly safe slingshot!
-
A Rabbi Hears Confession
A Priest in a small town was called away for an emergency on a Sunday ,afternoon while he was about to hear confessions. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist him he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The Rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say or do.
The Priest told him to come over and he'd stay with him for a little bit to show him what to do.
The Rabbi dutifully came over. The Rabbi and the Priest were in the confessional working out the details.
A few minutes later, a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
The woman said, “I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary’s, put five dollars in the donation box, go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box, go and sin no more."
The Rabbi told the Priest that he thought he understood the procedure, so the Priest left.
A few minutes later another woman entered and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars!"
-
How do you disappoint a kiwi ?
Tell them the Canning Stock Route isn't an annual event...
-
This is not so funny as it is reality ::)
Subject: Teaching Maths in Britain
1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the
felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offense. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20
profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state
for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securities debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry.
However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths 2017
? ?????? ???? ????? ????? ?? ????? ?? ??? 100 ?????. ???? ?????
> ??????? 80 ??
> ?????. ?? ?? ????? ???= 20
-
that is so true it is scary, time to load up on 44- 440 ammo....keep my food stash safe!( from gypsies)
-
TM Bill! you have too much time on your hands! get back out in the 'bike shed!
-
Captain Smithers
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer
was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and
tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring
colonel said,
"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really
the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO,
who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and
pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less
than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the
regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions
behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver
Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched
the history of..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the
CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the
witch doctor to get forked."
-
Lost in Arkansas
Bob, a young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.
Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his questions.
Bob asked Farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Dick replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”
“I can’t print that,” said Bob the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?”
Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.”
Again Bob knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Dick, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”
Farmer Dick hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once".
-
;D ;D ;DTimes two!
-
(http://imageshack.us/a/img12/4830/j779.jpg)
-
(http://imageshack.us/a/img12/4830/j779.jpg)
LOL Gold :)
-
The English gentleman goes duck hunting.
He takes aim and pings this duck on the wing but it crashes over the fence into this wiley old scots property.
He's climbing through the fence and old Mc Grumpy say's get out!
Shooter says I' getting my duck!
Mc Grumpy says Thats mine now.
Shooter says LISTEN HERE I'm the best legal brain in the country, give me my duck or i'll have you in court till you're broke!
Hrumph lets settle this the old way, three kicks each and I get the first 3.
Shooter agrees on acount the old weed can't do much damage (he thinks).
The old fart gives No 1 in the nuts, while he's on the ground gives him to more with his gnarley old boot.
Legal eagle says hang on a minute while I get my breath.
Ol' McGrumpy says arr forget it you win you can have the duck.
-
(http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e204/tmbill/535746_666728306688999_145459571_n_zpsc46241be.jpg) (http://s40.photobucket.com/user/tmbill/media/535746_666728306688999_145459571_n_zpsc46241be.jpg.html)
-
someone sent me that 'DuckHunting' joke as a video a while back. Wasn't very good quality but i was rolling on the floor after watching it. The guy that tells it is just 'soooo' good. Remember the interviewer too from years gone by. Get on youtube, it'll be there. Cheers.
-
http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/zdzRA2uJ5Zw/mqdefault.jpg
not sure if this'll work but says [Buddy Hackett--Duck Story]
-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdzRA2uJ5Zw
-
second one works!!
-
http://www.gumtree.com.au/s-ad/wooloowin/bicycles/childrens-balance-bike-y-bike-for-kids/1031118798
-
Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs,
Find me the finest bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an
apartment in Monte Carlo, a mansion on the beach , a jet to travel throughout Europe ,
and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response
from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries
to continue with the lesson . . . .
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I thought I wanted to be a nurse. But, fork that. I want to be Johnny's bitch."
-
After shagging Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things you all need to know. Firstly, she really is as sexy as hell - secondly the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards with no sense of humour!!
Said to my mate today "Why you looking so happy?" He said " The missus had one of those procedures done at hospital today that would put a smile on the face of any bloke." I said " What, a breast enlargement?" He replied " No - a post mortem!"
Took the missus to a disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, backflips, moonwalking, the works. The missus said" That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down." I replied " Looks like he is still celebrating"
Now on sale at IKEA - lesbian beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but, after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him!
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69.
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick." Murphy asks "’Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."
After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
-
One for all the salesmen in the World
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying A vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove
all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
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The Wooden Ball
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied,
"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
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An elderly man in Queensland owned a large property. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘We're not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.’
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may walk slowly, but they can still think fast.
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Crows
Another Government study provides outstanding results .. .
CSIRO Officials admitted that they found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Noonamah and Palmerston, in Northern Territory, where there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
The Territory Government approved and the CSIRO contracted a bird pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
(Didn't know there was a difference!)
The Territory Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.
After 18 months of research and $27 million spent, the Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in the deaths.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say “Cah”, but he could not say “Truck”.
I just wanted to make sure that you knew your tax money was being well spent . . .
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With Xmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home.
Sure enough on the way home there were police roadside checking drivers, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before, to this day I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
But SERIOUSLY PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE :)
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onya Bill ;) would luv to catch up and get a few cleansing Ales in us, then it will be my turn to grab a taxi ;D cheers mate
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdzRA2uJ5Zw
See it was worth repeating!
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Thats funny ;D ;D ;D
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Subject: Life Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God said that it was good..
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did? And God again said that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
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China-Fake Viagra, fake iPads, fake perfume ,fake trainers, fake handbags, fake watches, fake DVDs...
But their recent moon landing was real right?
=========================================
How come the Starship Enterprise can travel to far off distant galaxies and everyone they meet has a good command of the English language.
And I can't even go down the end of my road..
==================================
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
Buy her a snowblower.
=================================
Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife.
Missed her bean.
====================
Settled down to watch Obama at the Mandela gig with my deaf wife the other day.
Apparently, Space Shuttle Atlantis is due to have a baby next buffalo.
===============================
I saw a prostitute dressed in a sexy Santa outfit when I was in London.
She was a Soho hoe.
==========================
If Santa's helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-fV2EfSa8c
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Norman and Barry got married in California.
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Norman's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Norman's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school,
he asks his mom if Norman and Barry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?' She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Norman and Barry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Norman came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'
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The fattest Knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He aquired his size from too much pi.
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The fattest Knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He aquired his size from too much pi.
and his mate Sir Lunchalot
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The fattest Knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He aquired his size from too much pi.
and his mate Sir Lunchalot
Boom boom ;D
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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only 2 ways to understand sheila's................................................no man has ever found either one
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She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
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She was only a woodcutter's daughter, but she gave them all circular sores....
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The fattest Knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He aquired his size from too much pi.
and his mate Sir Lunchalot
Boom boom ;D
Don't they both live in Canberra....might send them some airplane glue for a wedding present :D
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The fattest Knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He aquired his size from too much pi.
and his mate Sir Lunchalot
Boom boom ;D
Don't they both live in Canberra....might send them some airplane glue for a wedding present :D
was that airoplane glue in a vasoline jar :o
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Two silk worms had a race. they ended up in a tie.
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A WOMAN WALKS INTO AN ACCOUNTANT'S OFFICE AND TELLS HIM THAT SHE NEEDS TO FILE HER TAX RETURN.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks," What is your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let us try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I ' m a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
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Census taker kings cross. What do you do for a job hhe says I'm a poof you can't put that down OK what the lady next door put she's a pro OK put me down as an aspro.
O
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Census taker kings cross. What do you do for a job hhe says I'm a poof you can't put that down OK what the lady next door put she's a pro OK put me down as an as pro.
O
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
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Never post pissed.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WoM2bHfr48
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WoM2bHfr48
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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And you thought Queen Elizabeth was a puppet we could poke fun at....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZCsfyaOGdw
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http://www.youtube.com/embed/dUr1NxJDC94?rel=0
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and?
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(http://i677.photobucket.com/albums/vv132/mc125mick/cid_7FEE167D29BB4FB894372206BD6EC663DennisPC_zpsc8614009.jpg~original)
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Hahahahahahahaha ;D
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Census taker kings cross. What do you do for a job hhe says I'm a poof you can't put that down OK what the lady next door put she's a pro OK put me down as an as pro.
O
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Check modified post. (boy they're bad when you gotta eplain' 'em!)
cheers pancho
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made perfect sense to me i got it 1st time Wal, :P
& no,i wasn't pissed 8)
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http://27bslash6.com/f26a.html
Just love this blokes style
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http://27bslash6.com/f26a.html
Just love this blokes style
Thats Gold ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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laughed at first,then saw the damage.OUCH.Not a well looking man.I'd like to see the unsafe version. Better than a spud gun ?
Dare you to watch this without sniggering... :o
http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=24113d89dfd8
Finally stopped laughing ;D ;D ;D
This is an extreamly safe slingshot!
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A guy walks into a bar & orders a scotch & cola. The barman places & apple in front of him & says before you say anything just take a bite. The guy bites the apple and says wow, this tastes just like cola but where's the scotch? The barman says turn it round & sure enough it taste's just like scotch. A second guy comes in & orders a gin & tonic, he gives a confused look at the apple placed in front of him. The barman says just take a bite. He bites the apple & says ok, this is the tonic but where's the gin? Turn it round says the barman. Unreal, this tastes just like gin, this is my new favorite way of getting drunk says the 2nd guy. A third guy comes to the bar & before he can say anything the first two look at him & say before you ask, this guy has an apple that tastes like anything you want, believe it, it's true, just ask. The third guy thinks for a moment & says ok then, how about an apple that tastes like pussy? The barman reaches over & places & nice big fat apple on the bar. The guy takes a big bite & blurts out, yuk, this tastes like shit! The barman gives a wry smile as he calmly says, turn it round.........
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(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/Forestsign_zps8ef19a74.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/Forestsign_zps8ef19a74.jpg.html)
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(http://i1258.photobucket.com/albums/ii534/yamaico/4mKzs_zps90061971.jpg) (http://s1258.photobucket.com/user/yamaico/media/4mKzs_zps90061971.jpg.html)
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No matter how good you are or how famous one is still required to push
(http://i155.photobucket.com/albums/s297/Lozza85_2007/1743644_657637234275383_1685875957_n_zpsc75e3e4c.jpg) (http://s155.photobucket.com/user/Lozza85_2007/media/1743644_657637234275383_1685875957_n_zpsc75e3e4c.jpg.html)
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(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/Forestsign_zps8ef19a74.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/Forestsign_zps8ef19a74.jpg.html)
Love it! TV ; ;D
D
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(http://i1112.photobucket.com/albums/k495/firko2/rhonda_zps38e901c8.jpg) (http://s1112.photobucket.com/user/firko2/media/rhonda_zps38e901c8.jpg.html)
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(http://i1112.photobucket.com/albums/k495/firko2/rhonda_zps38e901c8.jpg) (http://s1112.photobucket.com/user/firko2/media/rhonda_zps38e901c8.jpg.html)
Tasteless and funny Firko like most good jokes
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(http://i1112.photobucket.com/albums/k495/firko2/rhonda_zps38e901c8.jpg) (http://s1112.photobucket.com/user/firko2/media/rhonda_zps38e901c8.jpg.html)
Gold Gold Gold....
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(http://i1112.photobucket.com/albums/k495/firko2/rhonda_zps38e901c8.jpg) (http://s1112.photobucket.com/user/firko2/media/rhonda_zps38e901c8.jpg.html)
Gold Gold Gold....
SCHWEEEET, Rhonda is back on the prowl....hope she comes to central Vic 8)
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(http://i1112.photobucket.com/albums/k495/firko2/beiber1_zpseab573ad.jpg) (http://s1112.photobucket.com/user/firko2/media/beiber1_zpseab573ad.jpg.html)
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I see Shapelle has released a new perfume
its called...
Con- Viction ...for the woman who has lost her appeal ;D
-
and another (apologies if this is already up....)
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
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(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a393/gmcloa/Misc%202/corby_zpsd84d7972.jpg) (http://s15.photobucket.com/user/gmcloa/media/Misc%202/corby_zpsd84d7972.jpg.html)
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Hahahahaha ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'?
The woman looks at him blankly
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto
'Winning the hearts of the world'?
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
'Going beyond expectations'?
The woman looks at him sternly and says
'What the fork do you want?'
'Aha!' he says, "Qantas
-
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sits in the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.
After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks.
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.
"Nah, ye can gae ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts
spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.
The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."
-
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.' Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let’s save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy takes his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'
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Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if
she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't
have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in
front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband
had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and
watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass
didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he
came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts,
leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in
the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday,
while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do
you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her
nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in
the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the
husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said,
"but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you
worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I
know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
-
-
*Power Outage*
We had an outage at our place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV,
DVD,
IPad and new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I
discovered that my IPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was
raining so I couldnt go riding.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that
this
also needs power, so I talked to my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a real nice person.
-
That's gold asasin ;D ;D ;D
-
-
*Power Outage*
We had an outage at our place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV,
DVD,
IPad and new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I
discovered that my IPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was THATS A CLASSIC! Even my wife thinks so!
raining so I couldnt go riding.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that
this
also needs power, so I talked to my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a real nice person.
-
THATS A CLASSIC! My wife even thought so!
-
That’s not a joke, last Wed we had a storm blow over and lightning took out the power for 8 hrs.
The new novelty of having a conversation with the missus started to wear thin after an hour ;D
Despite several hours of knowing the power was off I can’t believe how many times I tried to turn light switches on when entering rooms. :o
-
it was my mums birthday the other day
so I bought her a dildo and a Michael Buble CD
if she doesn't like the CD, she can go f..k herself
-
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen gain.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
-
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.
-
Thought for the day...
" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
-
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit Bill.
When I arrived I couldn’t help but notice he had a tin of ‘nugget’ open and was busy
covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "Bill, is your hearing aid still playing up”?
“No its fine” he said “Why do you ask”?
I said “Then why don’t ya learn to forkin listen? The bloke on the television said to
turn your clock back! ya stupid old goat”. . . . .
-
Hahahahahaha....keep em comin asasin. I get a laugh every day!
-
http://www.boredpanda.com/funny-chinese-translation-fails/
poor duck ;D
-
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little
ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to
a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:
"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices
the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and
one to the cat's testicles.
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you
how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and
at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says: 'You're
probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'
-
THE
BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation, then crawled into bed, only to find her husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.' In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!'Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
Keep smiling -- it makes people wonder what you are up to!
-
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from
> getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
-
CLASSIC...... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from
> getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
;D
-
To make things fair, why can’t subscribers to internet broadband and new mobile phone connections in India be diverted to a help desk in Scotland?
-
A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop. The Aussie whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn’t notice. The Aussie says to the Kiwi: "You’ll never beat that!" The Kiwi says to the Aussie: "Watch and learn!" He says to the baker: "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the biscuit which the Kiwi promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit." The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Kiwi eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick?" The Kiwi says: "Look in the Australian’s pocket!
-
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D 8)
-
AN AMISH WOMAN AND HER DAUGHTER WERE RIDING IN AN OLD BUGGY ONE COLD
>> BLUSTERY DAY.
>>
>> The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
>>
>> The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat
>> will warm them up.'
>>
>> The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
>>
>> The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
>> 'My hands are freezing cold.'
>>
>> THE GIRL REPLIED, 'PUT THEM BETWEEN MY LEGS. THE WARMTH OF MY BODY
>> WILL WARM THEM UP.'
>>
>> He did and warmed his hands.
>>
>> The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
>> daughter. He said,
>>
>> 'MY NOSE IS COLD.'
>>
>> The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body
>> will warm it up'.
>>
>> He did and warmed his nose.
>>
>> The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and
>> he said,
>>
>> 'My penis is frozen solid.'
>>
>> The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her
>> mother again,
>>
>> and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
>>
>> Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'
>>
>> The daughter replies: 'They make one hell of a mess when they
>> defrost, don't they?!
>>
-
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some luke warm water over it."
Wife texts back:
"Computer completely buggered now."
-
Clive Palmer
-
Was at a music festival a while back,
A copper and his dog come up to me,
The cop says "this dog tells me you're on drugs"
I say, "I'm on drugs?" You're the one who reckons his dog talks"......
-
" NEWS FLASH" " NEWS FLASH" They found the wings They found the wings but Mr & Mrs wing have no idea where the funkn plane is.
-
Clever..........
Subject: You can bank on it
A few years ago in a small town robbers entered a bank and one of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.”
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their world view.
One woman lay on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying, " Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape.
Please behave accordingly."
This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.
While running from the bank the young robber (who had a college degree) said to the older robber (who barely finished elementary school):
"Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole."
The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news to be told how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.
After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops."
The accountant said: "Wait, before we do that let's add the $800,000 to the robbery of that we took to ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.
The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed in of $3 million. The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking?
Maybe it’s better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.
Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank.
Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.
-
All Oscar Pretorius wanted was a new toilet door but his girl friend was dead against it.
-
very good Asasin....on both counts :D :D :D :D
-
A good looking man walked into an agent's office
in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway,
he had the right credentials. The agent asked,
"What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesb ian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order
to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to
change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name
is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my
name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for
years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a
name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change
your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together,"
the guy said and he left the agent's office.
>>
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...
>>
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name
like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about
what you said I decided you were right. I had to change myname. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I
signed with another agent. I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a
token of my appreciation.
>>
Thank you for your advice.
>>
Sincerely,
>>
Dick van Dyke
-
Never Lie to a Woman
A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey, I have
been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several
of his Friends
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for
me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you
please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and
fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by
the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good
wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but
otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many
fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few
Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas
like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ...."
Never Lie To A Woman...!!!
-
Got 8 minutes to spare ?
Who's on First.....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg
It still funny ;D
-
google "rinse the blood of my toga" wayne and shuster... hilarious
-
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
-
http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/One-Teaspoon-purple-navy-one-piece-bathers-M-10-BNWOT-/131156850347?pt=AU_Womens_Clothing_2&hash=item1e898eb6ab
go parra ;D
ps theres a couple of yammys on there as well the mx250 looks good maker a good yz replica
-
Doctor doctor I keep making love to the biscuit barrel! What's wrong with me???!!! Your f**king crackers..........
-
During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"
"No," the woman replied,
"I'm just a really, really shitty golfer".
-
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ...
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
-
Dr. Smith's Prescriptions
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Paterson about enlarging her breasts Dr. Paterson advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely b00bs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Paterson’s?
'Yes I am... How did you know?'
He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "
-
Little Johnny says…
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what they need at home.
Joey says, "A computer."
The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."
Jenny says, "A new lawn mower."
The teacher again replies, "That would also be very useful."
Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house we don't need anything!"
The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When Abbott was elected, I clearly remember my dad saying; well, that's the last fricking thing we needed!”
-
Spare a thought for the guy who told his wife that he was
going on a business trip to China on Malaysian
flight MH 370, and now can't leave his girlfriend's flat...
-
a south African policeman said that Oscar pistorious might get the electric chair..... if you as
k me he is dangerous enough on a pair of stilts, nevermind giving him a mobility scooter !
-
ANOTHER OF MY FREE COMMUNITY SERVICES..
HOW TO SAVE Qantas
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted
them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-
looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even
serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales
and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And,
of course, every businessman in this country would
start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't
need a salary , thus saving even more money.
I suspect tips would be so good that we could
charge the women for working the plane and have
them kick back 20% of the tips, including
lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a
screeching halt, and the airline industry would see
record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation -- a golden opportunity
to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Qantas think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
-
How bloody true is this!!
Husband's Message (by cellphone):
Honey, a car hit me while I was out of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays
The blow to my head has been very strong, fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Paula?
-
oldy but a goody.... apologies if its already here!
A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some w****r out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
-
Drunk Driver True story from Australia
Drunk Driving....THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland .
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".
-
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop [Garda]. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda’s expense. !
Garda says, “License and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Garda says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Garda says, “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Garda says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Garda says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the living s?*t out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”
-
ripper joke.... but the cops in Ireland arnt Scottish! ;D
-
We had a Scottish cop in Cessnock a few years ago so there might be one over there as well. ;)
-
I doubt it.... ;) Cessnock would be paradise.... ;D
-
There was a story a few years ago that some Saffie living in the UK gets pulled over by the plod for speeding. "Fair cop" he reckons and takes it on the chin. The Saffie got the shits with the UK and moves to EnZud and, for second time in his life gets pulled over for speeding. Same copper had also moved toEnZud. They had a good laugh about that.
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2010/dec/08/speeding-driver-new-zealand-policeman (http://www.theguardian.com/world/2010/dec/08/speeding-driver-new-zealand-policeman)
-
There was a story a few years ago that some Saffie living in the UK gets pulled over by the plod for speeding. "Fair cop" he reckons and takes it on the chin. The Saffie got the shits with the UK and moves to EnZud and, for second time in his life gets pulled over for speeding. Same copper had also moved toEnZud. They had a good laugh about that.
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2010/dec/08/speeding-driver-new-zealand-policeman (http://www.theguardian.com/world/2010/dec/08/speeding-driver-new-zealand-policeman)
Classic.....surely that qualifies as "harassment"
-
MOBIL (my Old Brother In Law) is a K1 W1 and was hooning home and got nabbed... handed over his kiwi ticket and told mr plod "he was here on business for a month" (he's been here since 86)
three months later, more blue flashing lights in the mirror, hands over his kiwi ticket.. " here on business for a month mate", mr Plod replies, "you were here on business 3 months ago... spill it sunshine!!" same Plod!!
cost him a fortune, had to go and get a vic ticket etc etc.. ;D :D
classic
-
(https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/l/t1.0-9/10255843_840323169315845_4253966545953659838_n.jpg)
-
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation
to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some very bad news...
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an
emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below
us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the
odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on
the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our
VISA and MasterCard bills yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther,
did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimated earnings
check to the IRS this quarter?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"
-
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe,"Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"
Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks."
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
Ready for this.......
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter. "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."
-
Manny rang Abe to see how he was... "hows business Abe?? Manny enquired?? "terrible" says Abe, "we had a huuge flood, the insurance company will have to pay out $200+ thousand dollars!!"
a long silence ensued....
Manny says "Abe, tell me...how do you start a flood??"
-
That reminded me of this one
Nick walks into the cafe and spots his mate Franco sitting in the corner, he strolls over and says " Fraonco I am so sorry to hear about the fruit shop burning down"
Franco looks at him with a stern look on his face " tomorrow, tomorrow"
-
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe,"Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"
Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks."
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
Ready for this.......
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter. "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."
That's a ripper!
-
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like
winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror,
we had six matching balls!
A politician has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving
said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
God, I love my new taser!
Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just
a small white area. I've called him Bradford.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham
then delete it. It's spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds
every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
-
Another English word to ponder……….
Subject: What does "Service" mean?
Confused? I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:
Inland Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telecom 'Service'
Sky TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City Council 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is NOT what I thought
'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking.
One of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
You are now as enlightened as I am.
-
:D :D :D :D :D :D ;D :o
-
Subject: 8 thoughts to ponder....
Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 6
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. They can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
- - - and as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long
-
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
>
> Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than four foot tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
>
> "Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Boxing Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of ...."
>
> Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fork off."
-
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot US President Ronald Reagan in 1981.
Hinckley was utterly and absolutely obsessed with the movie actress Jodie Foster, and in his tortured mind loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well-known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation that Hinckley may soon be released into society as having been rehabilitated.
Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley.
We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady...
To : John Hinckley
From : Mrs Nancy Reagan.
Dear Mr Hinckley,
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know we bear you no grudge against you for shooting our Ronnie. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.
We are confident that you will soon make a full recovery, and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.
Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan.
PS : While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
-
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
-
Me and two of my old mates recently went for a check up to see how we were performing mentally given our age.
It was a pretty casual affair and we were all allowed to do our interview together so- it went like this
O.k Bill what is 3 time 3?
Bill answers 276!
O.K!.
Jack. what is 3 times 3? Jack thinks, says Tuesday!
Hmm. Ok pancho What is 3 Times 3?
Naturally I blurted out my answer 9!
Ah good, Now how did you work that out?
Simple, I just took 276 from Tuesday!.
-
Son: "Dad, we're learning about prisms at school. They're fascinating."
Dad: "That's good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you're bound to end up in one."
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor 'phones and says
"Paddy, you realise you've got sugar diabetes."
Paddy says, "Nice one, when do I fight him?"
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all kicked off!
Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That's easy" he said "Popeye knocked hell out of them!!"
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
-
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had
the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW--SCHOOL
CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something
about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give FarmerJohn a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go.I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer
John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
-
Ann Summers has announced it's going to start selling a lager-flavoured gel that is 5.3% alcohol, for women to rub on their fannies, in a bid to encourage men to perform oral sex.
Campaigners have condemned the move, because of fears that it will lead to 24-hour minge drinking.
-
Hit the fecking nail on the head
http://www.youtube.com/embed/HPyl2tOaKxM
-
Six retired mates were playing poker in the condo clubhouse
when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand,
clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing,
but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks,
"So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares:
"Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
-
;D Thinking ahead!
-
A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REPEATS'
***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
(I LOVE IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ageing:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)
---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why
I look this way.
I've travelled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about ageing
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces..
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too....
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well,
maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter,
--- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)
*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord,
keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . ..... . stick around awhile .. . . it will!
-
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ....women like that are hard to find."
-
Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said, nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Great from beginning to end".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong king size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand ... Mum waited for a week. Nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing... A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with a shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air New Zealand .
It said, 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'
-
Why do shopping trolleys have handles?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs, of cause!
-
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, none of whom were smart enough to get out of jury duty.
-
GREAT WISDOM FROM AVIATION TRAINING MANUALS…
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
-Infantry Journal-
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual –
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General Douglas MacArthur –
'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-
'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal –
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual –
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
- Infantry Journal-
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil, for I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter --
and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-
'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!” the last two will be echoes.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up... the pilot dies.
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:
'Did you feel that? What's that noise? and 'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-
'Airspeed, Altitude and Brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person
on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) –
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual –
JOKE:
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
-
A woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said
"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"
-
A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running
around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..
The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "Because I'm the f-----ing goal keeper !!!
-
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you
ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,
silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled
approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled
up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a
crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and
excited, ......
"Check the garage."
-
A young blonde girl, in her late teens and wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
....."Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi."
-
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Melbourne to Sydney. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
-
Saw a sign that made me piss my pants today
"toilet closed"
-
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new
BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a
Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window
and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in
your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing
flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his lap top and connected it to a cell
phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database
and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.
He sent an e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.
Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer
then turns to the Shepherd and says, You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his
car.
Then the Shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business
is, will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.
"That’s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up
here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know shit about my business.
Now give me back my forking dog."
-
Clever Jury...
In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied:
"Yes, we did look, But your client didn't."
-
My Road Rage Is Gone
>>
>> I no longer have problems with road rage.
>>
>> You may not have known I had issues with road rage.
>>
>>
>> However, since I picked up my new bike,
>>
>> people no longer seem to annoy me any more.
>>
>> Maybe I have mellowed.
(http://i907.photobucket.com/albums/ac276/zane255/mynewbike_zps6aafacd2.jpeg) (http://s907.photobucket.com/user/zane255/media/mynewbike_zps6aafacd2.jpeg.html)
-
https://commonstruggle.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/sinisterlink.pdf (https://commonstruggle.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/sinisterlink.pdf)
-
To Be 8 again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
-
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
-
An annoying rash?
-
Forget bickering about rules, news just in about a shocking Air Show Disaster
AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS
Casualties have not been counted yet
This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.
Amazing photo below shows great detail.
The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.
It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-WFSsMFJohT4/T8BHnM7q-hI/AAAAAAAADK0/r7_X7pO_Gqo/s1600/air+balloon.jpg)
No one was killed, but it probably scared the crap out of them.
-
LOL .. you funny man Geoff ;D ;D
Although you run the risk of someone here telling you to get back in the shed and finish their chamber or frame or something ;)
-
nice Bathurst Monaro for GMC on fleabay, comes with a spare car for "body Parts" "some rust..." needs a lot of welding I suspect ;D would keep him off the keyboard 8)
-
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D 8) 8)
Shit happens uh .
The Stig
-
saw this on evilbay, got a giggle.. bloke advertising a vc commodore, had a couple nasty sharp smacks in the front like it had hit some poles...
"believe it or not this was straight until i moved it today.
discovered the brakes had gone from sitting, went forward into the post on the shed panicked threw it in reverse,
panicked then threw it in drive again and hit the post again, bugger me dead a few seconds later a straight original car is not so straight"
poor bastard......
-
Hear the one about the buch of bickering knobs on ozvmx ;D
-
A classic from King Billy Coke Bottle.
Billy and Morton were having a few drinks in a pub when Morton asked the barman for directions to the shit house, out along the veranda and the second door on the right.
About half hour later Morton still hadn't returned and they started to worry if he had got lost so Billy went looking and found Morton in the toilet crying. Whats wrong he was asked and replied this bastard of a toilet wont let me stand up every time I try it grabs me by the nuts and pulls me back down. Billy replied you bloody idiot your sitting on a mop bucket.
-
alert alert turn back the boats!! new boat approaching on the east coast....brazil soccer team onboard ;D
-
Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,
"I w.a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."
The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e...n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t.o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e
t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I
w..i..l...l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how
he was almost married.
"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I
w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d
I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h...a..t w..h..e..n w..e
a...r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d
d...o t..h..a..t f..o...r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h...e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.
" W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y,
t...h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l...o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e
w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s N..u..t..s"
-
This is Not a Joke ... But Just Funny
http://youtu.be/Qbp59NhOPQk
.
-
man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me.
I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out.
But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too.
He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow.
How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.
He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."
-
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?'
she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK,
you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
-
had to post this again ;D
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings
are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she
volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!
'That must've been scary', said the teacher. '
It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say ' fu * k' , the Rottweiler
ate him!
-
"Weird Al" Yankovic has certainly stood the test of time, must be 30 odd years now since he parodied Jackson and he still has it.
For the wordsmiths
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gv0H-vPoDc
The Aluminati will control your minds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-0TEJMJOhk
-
The REAL meaning of the Haynes instruction Manual
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, little number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.
HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Engineering Terms
* A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.
* EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
* CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.
* MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hitech.
* CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
* PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch
* TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
* THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.
* ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
* RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!
* LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.
* YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.
* LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken
-
probably on here somewhere......
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'
Customer says , 'Female.'
Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?
Customer says , 'White.'
Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up!'
-
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 7 year old says "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, shit Mum, I s'pose I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK!! - He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,:-
"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
I don't know, Mum" he blubbers,"but it won't be flucking Coco Pops."
-
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice, “Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!”
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts, “No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord.”
A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. “No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord.”
Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage, OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!”
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…
“A jazz chord to say I ruv you...”
-
" I was leaving an unsavoury late nite venue which had a series of chrome posts sticking out of the floor when a husky voice says "your not leaving without me big boy...." so out the door with a new friend and she says " slip up to my place and we will talk about the first thing that pops up" so grab a cab and 10 mins later we are in the door of her unit.." make me a nice drink and put on some music " she purred " ill get changed"... looking good! so 10 minutes later she appears in a negligee (hooeee!!) and says "give me 9 inches and make me bleed :o"..
I did it 3 times and smacked her in the nose then left.....
-
"Weird Al" Yankovic has certainly stood the test of time, must be 30 odd years now since he parodied Jackson and he still has it.
For the wordsmiths
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gv0H-vPoDc
The Aluminati will control your minds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-0TEJMJOhk
You're a visionary Geoff.....Weird Al's new album has hit #1 on the charts....
-
"Weird Al" Yankovic has certainly stood the test of time, must be 30 odd years now since he parodied Jackson and he still has it.
For the wordsmiths
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gv0H-vPoDc
The Aluminati will control your minds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-0TEJMJOhkHave a look at this Firko. ;D
You're a visionary Geoff.....Weird Al's new album has hit #1 on the charts....
-
I love this!! ;D
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year
old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of
the night.
The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), LAWRENCE was
charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public
intoxication.
LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
home from a drinking session, he decided to stop.
"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there
was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone
around..." he stated.
LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior
Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable
TAYLOR,
'I walked up to LAWRENCE - and he's just banging away at this
pumpkin...'
Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she
approached LAWRENCE...
"I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"
"LAWRENCE froze.
He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me
straight in the eye and said,
'A pumpkin? Shit - is it midnight already?"
The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.
-
That's funny about the pumpkin.....she ended up a vegetable I believe ;-)
-
C'mon 80-85 husky Put it on facebook!
-
Help yourself Pancho im not on face book (and never will be ) insidious device it is.
-
My wife got the sexiest ass on earth.
Me ;D
-
he haw he haw..he halways says that ;D
-
Help yourself Pancho im not on face book (and never will be ) insidious device it is.
I'm with you 100%
-
this just in....
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.” :o
-
Hahahahaha...now that is funny ;D
-
Two mates were talking about how to pick up chicks. First bloke tells the other that when he goes to the pool the next day he should put a couple of spuds down inside his speedo's to attract them. Later on the next day they meet up for a beer and the second bloke says, that was a stupid idea with the potatoes, every time I tried to talk to a girl they took off. His mate then told him maybe next time he should put them down the front.
Zane
-
How to replace a powerband, maybe it should be in the tech section ;D
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-jX9mJfbps&app=desktop
-
(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/1902721_10152252753379561_961696901_n_zps241d5b0a.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/1902721_10152252753379561_961696901_n_zps241d5b0a.jpg.html)
(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/1609665_10152218978724561_243782137_n_zps7e729c69.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/1609665_10152218978724561_243782137_n_zps7e729c69.jpg.html)
(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/1016215_10152142574219561_2135992461_n_zps1bade64d.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/1016215_10152142574219561_2135992461_n_zps1bade64d.jpg.html)
(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/1379637_10152266072559561_1716701878_n_zpsfd712a70.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/1379637_10152266072559561_1716701878_n_zpsfd712a70.jpg.html)
(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/10247416_10152367257969561_212021617440604090_n_zpse02d8b7c.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/10247416_10152367257969561_212021617440604090_n_zpse02d8b7c.jpg.html)
-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=nQT31Noq1eE
-
Sorry gents, I don't have anything funny to say right now.
Does anyone out there know how Graham ( MX250 ) is going?
He started this topic off many moons ago but sadly lost interest in the forum a few years ago.
-
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.
Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
-
http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=22984504&server=vimeo.com&show_title=0&show_byline=0&show_portrait=0&color=00adef&fullscreen=1&autoplay=1&loop=0
-
Ok Mick, will meet you today at Captain Jack's for the Early Bird Special !!......... ;D ;)
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(http://i1069.photobucket.com/albums/u473/walter883/cid_E75471B0A85944DAB482287D4B51800CRonPC_zpsf26b955e.jpg) (http://s1069.photobucket.com/user/walter883/media/cid_E75471B0A85944DAB482287D4B51800CRonPC_zpsf26b955e.jpg.html)
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Little Johnny sitting in class minding his own business and the teacher comes out with the I give you a word and I want you to put it in a sentence.
She singles out little Mary first off and gives her the word Beautiful. Little Mary says " that's easy Miss, my mum and dad went out for tea the other night and my mum looked beautiful" The teacher says well done Mary
Next she picks out little Sally and gives her the word Gorgeous. Little Sally says " that's easy Miss, my mum and dad went out for tea the other night also and my mum looked Gorgeous " The teacher says well done Sally but little closely resembles Mary's sentence.
She then reluctantly picks little Johnny and gives him the word, "Urinate" ::) Little Johnny says after giving it a bit of thought "that's a real easy one Miss. Johnny looks her in the eye and says, my dad says urinate, but if ya had bigger boobs, you'd be a ten" :D
-
The Pharmacist's Monday Morning
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the Chemist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone".
"I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the Chemist and
demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said,
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize
that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had
to break a window to get my keys."
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when
I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me
to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the
time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the
phone was still ringing.
When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on
it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally
got back to answer it".
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer......
And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
-
God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, ---
"Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
---- "Look, Michael.
Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ----
"What is it?"
"It's a planet,"
--- replied God,
--- and I've put life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test
'Balance.'"
"Balance?"
--- inquired Michael, ----
"I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries. ---
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, ---
"What's that one?"
"That's Canowindra, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine.
The people from Canowindra are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, ---
"But what about balance, God?
You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled and said, ---
"I have created Canberra
Wait and see the idiots I've put there."!!!!!!!...............
-
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I ga ve you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over - so now we're going to SeaWorld
-
I love this one...
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!" They say together
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of dem, Paddy?"
"Of course” say Paddy, “what's the use of fookin' one?"
-
A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment..."You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
-
"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Australia.
I think it should be the goal of every Australian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs.
Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.
We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy" and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs."
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret" with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge," its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called " Morehammered ."
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others."
Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.
And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is either past your bedtime, or it's midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed!!!!
-
That's gold TBM
-
it makes me wonder why... oops ive got to be tolerant ;D
-
Heard the one about the truckie been on the road for three weeks???
Anyhow he pulls in at Kalgoorlie and wanders down to the red light district
and says to the Madam "for $500 Luv, I want your ugliest hooker and a burnt chop"
Madam says
"For $500 you can have a three course meal and any of the young and nubile hookers on the premises"
Truckie says "
that Ok but I am not horny just homesick!!!"
-
Heard the one about the truckie been on the road for three weeks???
Anyhow he pulls in at Kalgoorlie and wanders down to the red light district
and says to the Madam "for $500 Luv, I want your ugliest hooker and a burnt chop"
Madam says
"For $500 you can have a three course meal and any of the young and nubile hookers on the premises"
Truckie says "
that Ok but I am not horny just homesick!!!"
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
That's awesome ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
-
Gun Shop...
When I was ready to pay for my bullets and gun powder, the cashier at the gun store said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us Seniors a little clearer
I still don't think I looked that bad.
-
Some advice for the for the younger man ;D
Hot Crazy Matrix - A Man's Guide to Women
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU
-
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”
The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He’s a very busy man.”
“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”
She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.
“$180,000, if you please,” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?”
The old lady coyly replied, “I make bets.” Surprised, the president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“What?!” cried the man, “you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?” He could hardly hold back from laughing.
“Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.”
The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. “You’ve got yourself a bet!” and shook her hand.
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,” said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, “$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.” He then said, “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” The old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.”
-
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What on earth you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself" Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the Guard. "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe."
An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the Irishman replies: They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."
And saving the best 'til last ... Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere
-
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day
he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
-
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
-
Today I decided to go to the local Mosque for a first time.
I sat down and the Iman came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk today. ???
I told him I was not paralysed.
Ten minutes later he came back and laid his hands on me again and repeated the same thing.
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me. ::)
After the prayers I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my bike had been stolen. >:(
-
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "VIC BITTER" cheap at the local Bottle Shop.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home.
I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous sheila in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in Barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
.
.
.
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?" 8)
-
Funny.
But remember lucky and VB should never be used in the same sentence.
-
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
-
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
-
(https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=6f52ea7bb7&view=fimg&th=14acb67d490cccc3&attid=0.1&disp=emb&attbid=ANGjdJ9lW0QhRaqKI8lcBtbQfXgHC7S_7tE_9VvSM0DLDdesSYouVWzJf1-P_USG331ismhDfJpx9lzJWOKONWj06w3DyKS1aHR-28S62R6N2VK_0U-p9NdnV4XLSVg&sz=w800-h784&ats=1420838586593&rm=14acb67d490cccc3&zw&atsh=1)
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This is gold!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWIMRKq2eZI
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Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator
-
It's NOT about the Nail!!
http://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg (http://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg)
But, I'd rather be a Hammer than that Nail.
-
a bit sad... ::)
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking tea when
he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a
clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you´ve obviously got the wrong man", and
shuts the door.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson´s nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr. Mandela smiles and says "look young man...you've got the wrong man"
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson
Mandela yells at him, "Look, I don´t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says, "Aren't you Nissan Main Dealer?"
-
^^^ ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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(http://i1274.photobucket.com/albums/y426/Maurice3743/letter_zps3a40525b.jpg) (http://s1274.photobucket.com/user/Maurice3743/media/letter_zps3a40525b.jpg.html)
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Thats a gem bud. ;D
-
A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blew. The gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't p*ss in your eye."
-
One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down the island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandanna around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Harley?”
-
https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/TxNrizGdhtY?vq=hd720&rel=0&showinfo=0&start=0&end=
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A wedding occurred just outside Alice Springs in the Northern Territory.
To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's
families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room
and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the police were called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the court room until the judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer,
shouting, "Silence in court!"
The court room goes silent and Jackie, the best man, stands up and say's.
"Judge.... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The judge agrees and Jackie takes the stand.
Jackie begins his explanation by telling the court it's traditional at an indigenous wedding
that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The Judge says,"OK".
"Well," says Jackie, "after I'd finished the first dance, the music kept going so
I continued dancing to the second song, and the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song....
when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her vagina.."
The judge instantly responded, "God... that must have hurt!"
Jackie replies; "HURT!!... he broke three of my forking fingers!"
-
Adam and Eve
A little girl asked her father,
"How did the human race start?"
The father answered,
"God made Adam and Eve, they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered:
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered,
"It is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."
-
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London, England, has been sacked , much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway line....I am waiting for the train to come so that I can finally meet Allah."
"Remain calm and stay on the line ," was not considered to be an appropriate response
-
Little Hodiaki
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some history.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.
...
'Very good!'
Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.
'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'
Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said:
'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F . . k the Japs,'
'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.
Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'
Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed again!'
Little Hodiaki said quietly, “Collingwood half way through 4th quarter of Grand Final, 2011..”
-
Geoff,Geoff until the last line I thought you were a good bloke. I was mistaken. Floreat Pica you...........
-
Geoff,Geoff Love it. was that Eddy Mc
the last line was gold ..Sorry Bill Mate
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I have said before, and do not hesitate in repeating myself - but I don't like Geoff!!!
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/13066_804542769600745_9140318197070959844_n.jpg?oh=e08ba16e321dbd81c4cabee5e09582f2&oe=5595F024&__gda__=1435374287_63cf63f5e3c5b3d3c219b74eeaef1441)
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Geoff,Geoff until the last line I thought you were a good bloke. I was mistaken. Floreat Pica you...........
I have said before, and do not hesitate in repeating myself - but I don't like Geoff!!!
Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk
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Fat Toy
you are spot on like the dad in the story my family was created not evolved from slime LOL
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SENIOR SEX heart emoticon
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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(https://s3.amazonaws.com/WEBPOSTS/OZVMX/Welder.jpg)
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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, fork the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? 'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor!"
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
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(http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u194/TooFastTim/fly%20yes%20land%20no_zpss03bfuly.jpg)
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Awe - he tried, any landing you get stretched away from is a good landing.
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(http://i907.photobucket.com/albums/ac276/zane255/Yoga%20-%20vodka_zpshxvooqzf.jpg) (http://s907.photobucket.com/user/zane255/media/Yoga%20-%20vodka_zpshxvooqzf.jpg.html)
Zane
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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her........and she fell over.
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Sarcasm of the Day
1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
6. I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around a lot in the courtroom.
7. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what’s your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never saw the glass coming.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuI6GTY9eVc
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Wish I'd seen that years ago.
I spent far, far too much time playing in the Danger Zone ;)
cheers, DJ
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;D Unicorn Zone....that's gold.
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Unfortunately, I have to admit that I have been out with a "girl" that was above 8 hot and below 2 crazy.
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Was her name Ralph
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> Subject: Grandfather of the Year
>
>
>
> A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his
> badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child
> screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
>
>
> The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we
> won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say,
>
>
> "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of
> here. Hang in there”.
>
> At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
> Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,
>
> "William, relax buddy, don't get upset.
> We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
>
> Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading
> his groceries and the boy into the car.
>
> She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I
> don't know
> how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter
> how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things
> would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
>
> "Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William,
>
> this little arsehole's name is Timmy".
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This is more of an interesting fact than a funny
Did you know that in 1866 a New Zealander invented the condom using sheep intestines but
it wasn't until 1869 that an Australian perfected the condom by removing the intestine
from the sheep first.
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A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt pistol and yelled,
"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the room called out ........
.
.
.
.
"You'll need more ammo!”
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My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair. He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
He asked "How do you know?"
"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him, yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left!"
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'
HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Sign of the times?
Registration on the first day back at school.....
Ahmed Al Sheriah?
“here”
Mustafa Al Sheriah?
“here”
Fatima El Bindiri?
“here”
Ali Acmah Shabeeb?
“here”
Ali Sun Al En?
No answer
Ali Sun Al En?
No answer
Ali Sun Al En?
Little girl at the back stands up and says
“It’s pronounced Alison Allen, for f**k’s sake.”
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^^^^ ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D^^^^
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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior.
"I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed.
"So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister.
"In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
"You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster 540 yard Par 5,
with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life.
I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made..
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...
and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.
"While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister.
"And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God,
this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off,
with my ball still clutched in its paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight,
the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped it right there on the green,
and the ball popped out of its paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the forking putt, didn't you?"
-
Subject: Car Keys- PRICELESS!!
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice."Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
sid
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted,"I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the golden years...
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Pet Diaries:
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:
* 8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
* 9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
* 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!...
* 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
* 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
* 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
* 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
* 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
* 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
* 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
* 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
*******s!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now!!..
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How The internet Began....The True Story.
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began with WTF and the arc of the covenant and keyboard ?
Regards
MOBC (Mayor of bleak city)
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Thanks Mick
I now know who to blame for all of my Computer ;D ;D ;D problems
-
Very good MatchoMick ;-)
-
Never ever trust a cat
-
Ever wanted to try Freestyle MX but you are a bit too cautious?
You could start out like this. ::)
http://www.funnyjunk.com/The+south+america+s+russia/movies/5612185/ (http://www.funnyjunk.com/The+south+america+s+russia/movies/5612185/)
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Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:‘You see that bridge over there?’
The Spaniard replied:‘No.’
As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.
Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.
What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet?
I.O.U.
I'm investing in a new currency...the George Foreman Euro.
Same as the other Euro, but no Greece.
Alex Tsipras has said that Greece will "Bounce Back".
Just like it's cheques.
My son wanted to know what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
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I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14 day diet in just 3 hours and 14 minutes!
Zane
-
The Darwin's are out ...
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honourable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger... The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies... The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.... The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for... Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember.... They walk among us, they can reproduce..
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Somebody buy the man a drink! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Paddy, The Irish Wrestler
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.
-
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nono's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married
today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'
-
oldie,but a goodie
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Ahmed froze and with a look of horror said, “Ghost? Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
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(http://i1297.photobucket.com/albums/ag23/kdxGeoff/12002041_1294518513910731_1449299943079338273_n_zps5nozxrl7.jpg) (http://s1297.photobucket.com/user/kdxGeoff/media/12002041_1294518513910731_1449299943079338273_n_zps5nozxrl7.jpg.html)
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Took the wife to the doctors the other day to see what could be done about her touretts syndrome.
Turns out she doesn't have it?
Apparently I am a c*nt & I should f*ck off!
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"Took the wife to the doctors the other day to see what could be done about her touretts syndrome.
Turns out she doesn't have it?
Apparently I am a c*nt & I should f*ck off!"
That's the best one this year! Or maybe I can relate?
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[Jesus going over the bill at the last supper]
"Why would [closes eyes and rubs bridge of nose]..why would anyone order wine"?
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Since it started raining.. all my wife had done is look through the damn window...
if it gets any worse , I'll need to let the c*** in .
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This cracked me up...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxcWtCopXpI
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That's gold.
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Apologies if these have been posted before.
(http://i388.photobucket.com/albums/oo330/bishboy/Miscellaneous/Funnies/why%20do%20you%20need%20a%202nd%20bike_zpsex58fstr.jpeg) (http://s388.photobucket.com/user/bishboy/media/Miscellaneous/Funnies/why%20do%20you%20need%20a%202nd%20bike_zpsex58fstr.jpeg.html)
(http://i388.photobucket.com/albums/oo330/bishboy/Miscellaneous/Funnies/and%20I%20was%20like%20braaaap_zpszwcmhwfu.jpg) (http://s388.photobucket.com/user/bishboy/media/Miscellaneous/Funnies/and%20I%20was%20like%20braaaap_zpszwcmhwfu.jpg.html)
(http://i388.photobucket.com/albums/oo330/bishboy/Miscellaneous/Funnies/started%20first%20kick_zpsovohpfhq.jpg) (http://s388.photobucket.com/user/bishboy/media/Miscellaneous/Funnies/started%20first%20kick_zpsovohpfhq.jpg.html)
(http://i388.photobucket.com/albums/oo330/bishboy/Miscellaneous/Funnies/motocross%20because%20football%20players%20need%20heros%20too_zpsxl48ezjw.jpg) (http://s388.photobucket.com/user/bishboy/media/Miscellaneous/Funnies/motocross%20because%20football%20players%20need%20heros%20too_zpsxl48ezjw.jpg.html)
(http://i388.photobucket.com/albums/oo330/bishboy/Miscellaneous/Funnies/soccer_zpsxvq7cinz.jpg) (http://s388.photobucket.com/user/bishboy/media/Miscellaneous/Funnies/soccer_zpsxvq7cinz.jpg.html)
(http://i388.photobucket.com/albums/oo330/bishboy/Miscellaneous/Funnies/cassette%20and%20pencil_zpsamyiudac.jpg) (http://s388.photobucket.com/user/bishboy/media/Miscellaneous/Funnies/cassette%20and%20pencil_zpsamyiudac.jpg.html)
(http://i388.photobucket.com/albums/oo330/bishboy/Miscellaneous/Funnies/How%20Twighlight%20should%20have%20ended_zps574cymar.jpg) (http://s388.photobucket.com/user/bishboy/media/Miscellaneous/Funnies/How%20Twighlight%20should%20have%20ended_zps574cymar.jpg.html)
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As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at the pauper’s cemetery out the back of the coast. As I was not familiar with the behind the hinterland I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I was still lost…
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That is gold, right there. :) :) :)
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I thought having a vasectomy would stop the wife getting pregnant but she tells me it just changes the color of the baby..... :o ::)
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Talking Australians
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DHQRZXM-4xI
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That series is gold. Some of it was even filmed near me here.
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DIVORCE SETTLEMENT
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates
and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining-room table, by candle-light. He put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a kilo of prawns, a jar of caviar, and a bottle
of spring-water.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten prawns dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the
curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at
first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a
few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they
had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in
half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow
a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told
him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that
he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his
divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed
on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ...
but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, and
just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU.
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WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan,
several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the
women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said,” Land mines."
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
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Amazing word lesson
This is the best, most interesting English lesson I have had to date.
Did you know "listen" and "silent" use the same letters?
Do you know that the word "racecar" spelled backwards still spells "racecar"?
And that "eat" is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit- grabbing, resource-sucking, non-English-speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-shagging, raggedy-ass bastards with you."
How weird is that?
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Heart warming xmas story....
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing $10 in 50c coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Boral deliver the forking bricks on time.' :o
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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
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Funny
http://www.youtube.com/embed/2kpjnGWPmj0
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Late in the night, the Biker finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, agonizing in pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in every arm, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realised he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
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A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside
him so he leans over and says,
"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk."
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A magician is entertaining the residents in a old peoples home. Standing in front of them he pulls a gold fob watch from his pocket, then as he sways it from side to side he tells the audience that the watch is a heirloom that has been in his family for 4 generations. At that moment the watch chain broke and the watch crashed to the floor, the magician says Oh Shit.
Took the staff 3 days to clean the room.
Zane
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Social pressures are forcing people to cut back on their sleep, contributing to a "global sleep crisis", according to new research collected through a smartphone app.”
I am leading a campaign to eliminate this scourge from our society and I believe the untapped potential of seniors can make a huge difference. To this end I am suggesting a campaign based on the following three point plan:
1. Take at least one hour longer to get out of bed and read the morning news.
2. Take a midday “Nanna Nap” at least 5 times a week.
3. Fall asleep in the sunshine on the front porch when trying to read the paper.
As you pass this onto other enthusiastic pensioners the three point plan can be added to by creative solutions to rid this scourge from our society and ensure the health and well-being of our elders in society.
Footnote: Politicians falling asleep in parliament DOES NOT qualify as part of this ground swell movement.
Please pass this on as part of the “Grey Power” movement.
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The apprentice grave digger was hard at work down near beethoven's grave and as he dug deeper he started to hear odd sort of music. At first he thought it was a nearby radio but as he dug deeper it got louder. He was getting nervous and looking around trying to work out where this odd music was coming from. It got too much and he threw down his shovel and ran back to his supervisor. He was a bit embarrassed but he blurted out to the supervisor.
The supervisor looked at him and asked "what was the music like."
The apprentice said" a bit like Beethoven's 9th but backwards"
"Ah" said the supervisor " that is just Beethoven decomposing"
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maybe on here already but....
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's....The landlord goes out of his
way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the
barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,
they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no
passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
At Uni I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So
I decided to find a girl with some real ambition..
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
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It's all in the translation.
There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Hong Kong.
I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements.
She got excited and said: "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for to nigh"
Wow, I thought I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then my friend interpreted it for me.
He told me what she really said was 666136429
$5 says you will read this again - and again!
Zane
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Not everyone will get this joke, but maybe a few will..........
Three Chinese guys, Who, Foo and Choo move to India.
After a few months none of them had a job and decided
that they would have better luck if they all changed their
names to more Indian sounding names. So Who became
Whothia, Foo became Foothia and Choo went back to China.
Cracks me up every time.
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Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power,
The little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
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Haha, gold Mick
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Subject: a little Political Humour
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Greens Senator, Sarah Hanson-Young, is touring live cattle export yards in the Senator's chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road; they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Sarah in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur "You get out and check - you were driving"
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer " says Sarah, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything"
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My god, what happened to you?" asks Sarah.
The chauffeur replies; "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whiskey. The wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me. "
"What on earth did you say?" asks Sarah
"I knocked on the door and when it answered, I said to them I'm Sarah Hanson-Young's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
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A civil engineer died and went to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort available, he started designing things and making improvements all over the place. After a while, the engineer was a pretty popular bloke.
One day God rang and asked Satan, "How is it down there?"
Satan replies, "Excellent!. We have air-conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators. I have no idea what this engineer is going to do next."
God was horrified. "What! You have an engineer? That is a mistake - he should not be down there under any circumstances! You know all engineers go straight to Heaven. Send him up here!"
Satan replied, "You must be joking! I like having an engineer on my staff. I am keeping him."
God thundered, "Send him back up here or I will sue your arse off."
"Funny bugger," Satan laughed, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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Who can you trust!!!!!!!!!!!
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out
of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not
have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the
money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him
again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
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excellent!
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lol
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Love This Monty Python clip. (100 mtr dash for people with no sense of direction)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYvbaqfq9mI
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monica Lewinsky has commented on Hillary Clinton as presidential candidate... "the last time Hillary was in charge she gave me a job but I blew it...."
I wont vote for a Clinton government, the last one left me with a bad taste in my mouth....
bu bow.... ;D
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My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30am
Can you believe that?
Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.
Zane
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If three people have sex it's called a threesome
If two people have sex it's called a twosome
Now I understand why they call you handsome
Zane
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I'm in a good place right now.
Not emotionally.
I'm just up at the bottle shop.
A mate was up the pub last night having a few beers.
The barmaid yelled out anyone know CPR
My mate raised his hand and said "I Do" in fact I know the whole alphabet.
Well he said we all laughed and laughed. Oh except for this one guy.
Zane
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What made Bad Brad give the reds, the blues???
The Kawasaki Greens.
(Not a Kawasaki fan at all but its funny) ;D ;D
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Lonely Hearts
Bad-tempered, foul mouthed old bastard
living in a damp cottage in the arse end
of 'no-where' seeks attractive 21 year old
lady with big tits.
NO TIME WASTERS
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in the RSL Club. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake!!..
-
Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.
Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks,"What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket".
>:(
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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life."
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
-
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
-
Its been a while but I got this from (of all places ::)) a pommy car forum....
enjoy ;D
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing.. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know?'
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that S.O.B. before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
-
This is a story of a cool headed woman and a small calibre pistol against a fierce large predator. Whats the smallest calibre required"to protect you?? A Beretta JetFire .22
She says "i was out walking alongside the pond near my house with my soon to be Ex husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues when we were charged by a 4 metre alligator intent on dinner."
"If it wasn't for the Jetfire 22 i wouldn't be here today!"
"Just 1 shot into the ex husbands kneecap was all that was required and the Gator got him easily while i walked away unharmed".
"Its one of the best pistols in my collection, saved me plenty in alimony, lawyers fees and the life insurance was a bonus!!"
"Thank You Beretta.."
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(https://photos-1.dropbox.com/t/2/AAAgucSHT5cQaX8U-s_Hogqtsoa_Vtr6aveCTv6MmPMHog/12/291302176/jpeg/32x32/1/_/1/2/11036413_1004779889533686_6531250157156804028_n.jpg/EPC795kCGAogAigC/wZdk5kfjdhwp1VhQJSYrFcHy3bBObmsjW2zAdCZpTEo?size=1280x960&size_mode=3)
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An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says to his wife, "I want to assure you that these 50 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer will never take all that away.
'But it has always bothered me that our fifth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, pauses for moment and then confesses. "Yes, he did."
"Who was he?" her husband asks.
The woman pauses, gulps down her wine and finally says, "You."
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finally an embarrassed husband goes to his doctor,tells his doctor he's having trouble getting an erection,& it's causing problems with his wife
the doctor checks his blood pressure,& other vitals,all seemed fine,after a thorough examination,doc asks to see his wife
when she arrived,doc places her in another cubicle,then asks her to disrobe,then asks her to rotate slowly,then raise her hands above her head & rotate slowly again,then he asks her to touch her toes,& cough,having finished his examination,he then asks her to dress,leaving her he goes back to the waiting husband in the other cubicle,
you can relax now,theres absolutely nothing wrong with you,i couldn't get an erection either!!
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During a dull Parliament House dinner,
Chloe Shorten leaned over to chat with Governor General Cosgrove.
"I bought Bill a parrot for his birthday.
That bird is so smart,
Bill has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"
“Very impressive," said Cosgrove,
"but, you do realise he just speaks the words.
He doesn't really understand what they all mean.”
"Oh, I know", replied Chloe,
“but neither does the parrot."
An Irishman, named Paddy,(what else), inherited his Uncles house when he passed away, and he came across 2 old Stuffed German Pointer Dogs. So, Paddy, thought to himself he would take them to the Antique Roadshow and have them appraised.
"Oh, my goodness," said the presenter, "These are a very rare set indeed, made by the British Taxidermy Company, in the late 17th century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch in good condition?" the presenter asked.
Paddy paused then said "Sticks."
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The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.
"How is she?" I asked.
"Very critical," replied the officer.
"What's she complaining about now?" I said
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G’day viewers, on tonight’s show I’m going to show you things to look out for when trying to pull a root, so settle back and enjoy another episode of Burkes Back Yard
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i dont know what the fuss about don burke is?? he was like that 30 years ago..everybody knew!! ;D
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Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)
'For F#@k sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
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It is important for men to remember that as women grow older?
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for my wife to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical centre as a phlebotomist.
It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper.
I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired.
Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or Friday's poker game or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
EDITORS NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby.
His wife Nancy was arrested and charged with murder…
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on this golf club.
Zane
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Paddy says to Murphy,
"Have you seen the news?
3 cliff walkers have fallen to their deaths!"
"Unbelievable, said Murphy,
I can't believe they all had
the same name!"
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guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. sees a jar full of $100 notes and says "whats that for?" barkeep says "its the manhood test..put up a $100, pass it and you get all the $$".." what do i have to do ?" says ol mate and the barkeep goes " test 1. knock out Bruiser the bouncer with 1 punch..test 2 is to go out the back and pull the infected tooth from tiger the pitbulls mouth and test 3 is to sexually satisfy the old hooker upstairs, shes never been satisfied...Ol mate slams his beer down, drops a $100 in the jar and waltzes up to Bruiser and floors him with a right cross, heads straight out the back and all hell breaks loose, growling barking screams, hysterical barking yells #$%$% shit being smashed then silence... ol mate walks in..clothes shredded, bleeding from a dozen bites and says to the barkeep ..
" Right..now wheres that hooker with the crook tooth....."
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You guys crack me up ;D ;D
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Brilliant ;D ;D ;D
Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL
40 D Breasts
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say, “ JESUS CHRIST"!
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Good one Husky, That reminds me of this proud dad story...……..
Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the restroom. The ones that stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: “I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.”
The second guy says: “Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”
The third guy says: “Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multi-millionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend.”
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: “What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”
The fourth man replied: “My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said: “What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.”
The fourth man replied: “No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?”
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Forest Gump is sitting on the end of Jennie's bed. His head in his hands sobbing. And Jenny says " Now Forrest, don't be upset, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a small penis.
Forest looks up, sniffs and says. I don't know Jenny, I'd prefer if you didn't have one at all.
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worlds shortest joke.........2 women sitting quietly.........
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A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
THE NUN FAINTED! ????
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My wife asked me if I could go down to the shop and get a ctn of milk and if they have avocados get 6.
A short time after, I get back with the milk. My wife asks: "why did you get 6 ctns of milk?"
I replied: " They had avocados.
Zane