Funnies/Jokes

[TM BILL]

British police concluded at their debriefing after the riots that next time they will add persil to the water cannons as its garanteed to stop coloureds running 

[EML]

Thanks TM 

[mx250]

[FAT-TOY]

Don’t fart in Harrods.
       
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"



 
 

[EML]

That sounds like some of the motos that come up on here Fat Toy, I fart when I see 'em and shit myself at the price

[lukeb1961]

can someone help me with that white car in the photo.
urm.. what am I seeing/failing to see?

[TM BILL]

Luke click on the pic its a video and its  the background your looking at 

[EML]

I have seen wankers do this a number of times and even see a guy 'step in ' to the rotating car and get knocked over but to see the car run the driver over is shit funny-I love it and reckon it should happen to them all.
We've all done skids and had a bit of fun but it's not worth the risk of spinning off into a crowd just to show off.
If everyone thinks you are a dickhead-don't prove them correct no matter the cost I say

[lukeb1961]

Ahh.. indeed. clicking on the video showed a most interesting outcome.
ta!

[TM BILL]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.                                         
                                                                         
The following night was the same-   she stood there wearing the black    panties, and   he was in his birthday suit-but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[TM BILL]

I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving
As you know some people have brushes with the authorities on their way home.
Well I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner
and a few drinks, and having had far too much vino, and knowing full well I was
over the limit, I did something I have never done before. I took a bus home. 
 
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.

 

 

 
 
 
 
 

 

[TM BILL]

Three little ducks go into a Bar......



'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'











'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles.'

[shorelinemc]

  ideal canditate for a darwins award

[Shaun G]

Never question a drunk.

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A)    1 litre of fat reduced milk
B)    Dozen fresh eggs
C)    250ml bottle of orange juice
D)   A head of lettuce
E)    500 gm jar of coffee
F)    250 gm pack of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me
watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections
that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I  said , 'Yes you are correct, but how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

[suzuki27]

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant sea shell on her inner thigh.
Her friend asks her why she would get a tattoo in that location.
She responds , 'It's really cool. If you put your left ear up against it, you can smell the ocean'