Funnies/Jokes

[GMC]

sorry Geoff - I take offence to that.  Graham can you please blacklist him forever - what were you thinking of - for gawds sake man.  The boys are on the way around

 

[pancho]

 I heard that most people hit overdrive when they hit 40, I think my drive must be over!
 pancho.

[pancho]

 Last night my damn next-doors dog kept barking.

 So stuff him, I went and got the dog an chained it up in my yard.
 NOW HE CAN PUT UP WITH THE NEXT DOORS BLOODY DOG!

cheers

[TM BILL]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
'1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[pancho]

 To good TM!

[TM BILL]

PAIN TRANSFER!

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.  Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the baby's Father.  He asked if they were interested.  Both said they were very much in favor of it.  The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than
the father had ever experienced before.  But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.  The
husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.  At this point they decided to try for 50%.  The husband continued to feel quite well.  Since the pain transfer was
obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.


The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none.  She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch

[TM BILL]

WELCOME TO THE 21TH CENTURY!!!  How Clever and TRUE.

 

*Our Phones ~ Wireless
*Cooking ~ Fireless
*Cars ~ Keyless
*Food ~ Fatless
*Tyres ~ Tubeless
*Dress ~ Sleeveless
*Youth ~ Jobless
*Leaders ~ Shameless
*Relationships ~ Meaningless
*Attitude~ Careless
*Wives ~ Fearless
*Babies ~ Fatherless
*Feelings ~ Heartless
*Education ~ Valueless

*Children ~ Mannerless
 

*Politicans - Gutless

Everything is becoming LESS

but still our hopes are - Endless.
In fact I am - Speechless

[Rossvickicampbell]

Geoff.............................................................................wanker!
 

[GMC]

Jeez Rossco, you been hibernating mate?
You go fishing on here and it takes a while to get a bite some days.

Lets see what this brings



CONDOM HISTORY.....

Interesting piece of history!


In 1802, the Kiwis invented the condom, using a sheep's lower intestine.



In 1822, the Aussies somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine
out of the sheep first.
 

[FAT-TOY]

Love Is ... Very touching!!!   
My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip.. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you x."

I replied........"I am having a shit. What should I do?"

[Simo63]

Love Is ... Very touching!!!   
My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip.. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you x."

I replied........"I am having a shit. What should I do?"

GOLD 

[gt96]

At the end of the tax year, the Australian Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the ATO agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.  What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
 
"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
 
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.  But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
 
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
 
"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
 
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.  "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
 
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Australian Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[vandy010]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagiano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months’ vacation and five very good leads.'

[FAT-TOY]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.


Grumpy leads the pack.


'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'


Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'


The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'


In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.


Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.


Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'


The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .


'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.


Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.


Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'


The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'


The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

[GMC]

The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre.
He could not remove the pigeons from the city.
All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.

One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city'
'But, you must promise not to ask me any questions'
'Or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question'

The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.     

The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.
All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson's Column.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a cheque for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.



The mayor asked:
'Do you have a blue Muslim ??