Funnies/Jokes

[jackiemac]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married
and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation
drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion,
they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
 
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink,
the single girl leered and said, Last Friday at the end of the work day I
went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other
people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice,
black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad
passionate love on his desk right then and there!
 
The engaged woman giggled and said, That's pretty much my story! When my
fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only made love all night, but he also wants to move up our wedding date!
 
The married woman put her glass down and said, I did a lot of planning. I
made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he
grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for
dinner?'
 

[yzhilly]

Keep up the great jokes people i enjoy catching up every couple of days for a laugh even the missus gets a laugh and my kids luv the vids thanks .

[mx250]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

 

[jackiemac]

   

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
   
 
 
 
 

 
 
   
 

 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[mx250]

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.

And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

[jackiemac]

Guy says to his wife:
"What would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife Replies:
"I'd take half and leave you!"
Guy says:
"Excellent!  I had 3 & a sup….. won 10 bucks, here's 5, now fork off"

[mx250]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.........
How could anyone stoop so low?

[VMX247]

Make you cry and laugh    :'(     
FUNNY,SAD AND TRUE
Important Information on the Stimulus Payment

This year, you the Australian taxpayer will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment from the Rudd Government.
This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers.
"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.
"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. Only a smidgen.
"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A. Shut up."

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or New Zealand (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.


And none of it will help the economy. So we need to keep that money here.
You can keep the money here by spending it at
Garage sales
Go to a football game
Prostitutes,
Beer & wine
Tattoos
Since these are the only businesses still here.

[mx250]

Gee that's depressing....



...and on a friday arvo

[VMX247]

Come on mx250, you gotta see the funny side of the Aussie political humor    .

[Wombat]

JOKES FOR BRAVE MEN:

 How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
 Marry It!

 What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
 A battery has a positive side.

 What are the three fastest means of communication?
 1) Television
 2) Telephone
 3) Telawoman

 How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
 They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

 What should you give a woman who has everything?
 A man to show her how to work it.

 Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
 Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

 How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
 Put a nipple on it.

 Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
 Because they don't have balls to scratch.

 Why did God create woman ?
 To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

 Why do women fake orgasms ?
 Because they think men care.

 What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
 Nothing, she's been told twice already.

 If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
 Made her chain too long

 How many men does it take to open a beer?
 None. It should be opened when she brings it.

 Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
 Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably 
 never be able to support you.

 Why do women have smaller feet than men?
 It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer 
 to the kitchen sink.

 How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
 When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

 How do you fix a woman's watch?
 You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

 Why do men fart more than women?
 Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required 
 pressure.

 If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
 The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

 What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
 A woman who won't do what she's told

 I married a Miss Right.
 I just didn't know her first name was Always.

 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
 It's called a Wedding Cake.

 Why do men die before their wives?
 They want to.

 Women will never be equal to men..
 until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
 still think they are sexy.   

[VMX247]

Doctor's Funeral

A Cardiologist dies and is given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stands behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the flowered heart opens and the casket is gently rolled inside.

The heart then closes and the Cardiologist is sealed in the beautiful heart forever.

Seeing the procedure, one of the mourners bursts into laughter. When all eyes stare at him, he explains, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see, I'm a Gynaecologist."

[VMX247]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychologhy class.
The teacher started her class by saying "everyone who thinks there stupid" stand up.
After a while Little Johny stood up.
The teacher said "do you think you are stupid little Johnie".?
No mama but ,I hate to see you standing there by yourself. 

[mx250]

Irish Coffee:

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

[bigk]

The following is a true story, only the facts have been changed:
I was out jogging one day and I picked up a tennis ball from the side of the road. It through me a bit off balance with it in my hand, so I tried it under my arm, t shirt, headband etc but not much better. I finally stuffed it down the front of my jocks where it was comfortable. As I was coming up the driveway, my elderly lady neighbor was watering her garden, so I stopped to say hello. She immediately noticed the bulge in my shorts and asked what's that? That's my tennis ball, I replied. Oh you poor dear, she said with a concerned look on her face, that must be painful, I had tennis elbow once!
Cheers,
K