Funnies/Jokes

[Wombat]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?  TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

[mx250]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?  TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

To compensate, well we did invent motorcycles and MX

[Quicksilver]

 

 

KEVIN RUDD was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. RUDD if he would like to lead the discussion on the

word 'tragedy'.

 So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

1 little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,

is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would

be a 'tragedy.'

No,' said RUDD' that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children

drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'

'I'm afraid not,' explained MR. RUDD' that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.  RUDD searched the

room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mrs. RUDD was struck

by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a

tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed RUDD. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that

would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly

wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a forking accident

either!'
 
 
 
 
 
 

[mx250]

 

KEVIN RUDD was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. RUDD if he would like to lead the discussion on the

word 'tragedy'.

 So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

1 little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,

is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would

be a 'tragedy.'

No,' said RUDD' that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children

drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'

'I'm afraid not,' explained MR. RUDD' that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.  RUDD searched the

room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mrs. RUDD was struck

by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a

tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed RUDD. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that

would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly

wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a forking accident

either!'
 

Gee, the honeymoon must be over.

[Quicksilver]

Gee, the honeymoon must be over.

Never was one as far as I was concerned. Never voted for the sorry saying piss ant little lip licker. 

[Tim754]

Which one??? covers a bloody lot of the pollies. Lowest paid workers today get another $21.66 a week in their pay from October. Today also the head bureaucrats  get a pay rise of    $1427.70 a week start now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The pollies will have one (with back pay of course ) in the  near future and it wont be no pissy $21.66.

[mx250]

Two bored casino workers were waiting at the crap table. A very attractive
blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll
of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I
play topless.' With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice, and
yelled, 'Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!'

As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and
squealed 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers...
and then picked up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'

Moral of the story:

1. Not all Southerners are stupid.
2. Not all blondes are dumb.
3. But all men... are men.

[Rosco400]

A bloke was on his way down to the pub for a couple of cold  beers after a big day at work.

As he was walking to the pub, he took a detour along the train tracks where he seen this sweet young naked woman tied to the railway tracks. He quickly run over to her, untied her and they then proceeded to make mad passionate love.

After he was finished, off he went to the pub to have his beer.

He couldnt hold back his excitements and started telling his best mate the story, walking down to the pub, found the good looking chick, made passionate love blah blah.

His mate just couldnt believe it and said thats awesome, did she give you a blo job, to which he replied, "nah couldnt find her head"

[Wombat]

A bloke was on his way down to the pub for a couple of cold  beers after a big day at work.

As he was walking to the pub, he took a detour along the train tracks where he seen this sweet young naked woman tied to the railway tracks. He quickly run over to her, untied her and they then proceeded to make mad passionate love.

After he was finished, off he went to the pub to have his beer.

He couldnt hold back his excitements and started telling his best mate the story, walking down to the pub, found the good looking chick, made passionate love blah blah.

His mate just couldnt believe it and said thats awesome, did she give you a blo job, to which he replied, "nah couldnt find her head"

HA!! If my boy ever asks me to explain 'black humour', I'll show him this joke.

[Tim754]

I gave my wife one of those T shirts .It tasted awful.............

[pokey]

So THATS why my girl wont say yes?

 She doesnt Wash or Iron 

 Seems a a petty reason to knock back an obligatory Tee shirt if ya ask me .

[Wombat]

Wrong colour t-shirt...all kitchen appliances are white.

[mx250]

Wrong colour t-shirt...all kitchen appliances are white.

[TM BILL]

Two Gang prospects get pulled over by a hiway cop
 Cop walks up to the drivers window reaches in Bitch slaps the prospect and says " boy you better have your licence ready when i come back ".
Cop then walks round to the passenger window reaches in and slaps the passenger .
2nd prospect says "what the fork was that for '
Cop replys "Boy im just making your wish come true" Prospect looks puzzled 


Cop says "i know as soon as im gone your gonna say i wish that forker had tried that with me "

[Rosco400]

This blokes riding his bike and has a really bad accident

They go through all his personal belongings to try and identify him and ring his wife to come up to the hospital

Up she comes and runs into the triage nurse screaming 'wheres the doctor, wheres the doctor,my husband, hes been in a terrible accident

Out comes the doctor and says' we have good news and bad news but you best come along with me,

The doctor takes the wife to the emergency dept and says' your husband is behind this curtain,but be prepared for a shock,

He pulls back the curtain and heres two eyeballs, yes thats right 2 eyeballs laying on a pillow, the wife goes oh my god is that my husband, the doctor goes yes.

The wife says to the doctor, so whats the good news, the doctor says your husband is still alive

The wife then says whats the bad news

The doctor says "hes blind"