Funnies/Jokes

[pokey]

Why spelling is sooo important

[Wombat]

Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman's Answer:

One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because  no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER!!
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry... what was the question?

[VMX247]

 
So totally true right down to the letter F         

[mx250]

An Israeli  doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a  kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for  work in six weeks.'

 

A German doctor  said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a  lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for  work in four weeks.'

 

A Russian doctor  said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart  from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for  work in two weeks.'

 

The Aussie  doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Huh!, that's nothing. We can take an  arsehole out of Queensland, put him  in Canberra and have half the country  looking for work within twenty-four  hours.

 

[mx250]

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

[Wombat]

STORY AS TOLD BY A RAH RAH (that's a Rugby Union devotee for our foreign friends and out of Staters)

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the GPS Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

" Arrgghhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!

She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?'
 
'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
 

[mx250]

  Good one Wombie

[mx250]

Judge Judy to prostitute "So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'

[Rosco400]

Got this one sent to me today, has the same name as a certain forum member, need to watch it to the end

http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/

[mx250]

Got this one sent to me today, has the same name as a certain forum member, need to watch it to the end

http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/

Yeah, that's the Freaky we all know and love, I just didn't know he was an attorney .

[yzhilly]

Hah your one sick puppy freaky  .

[jackiemac]

'Viagra' is  now available in powder form for your tea.

It  doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does
stop your  biscuit going soft.
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[jackiemac]

 *Husband Store*
 
 
 
 *A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
 woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is
 a description of how the store operates:*
 
   
 *You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
 of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
 may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
 the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
 building!*
 
 
 
 *So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
 floor the sign on the door reads:*
 
 
 *Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs*
 
 *She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
 reads:*
 
 *Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.*
 
 
 *'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'*
 
 *So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:*
 
  *Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
 Looking.*
 
  *'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.*
 
 *She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:*
 
 
 *Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
 and Help With Housework.*

  *'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
 
 *Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:*
 
 
 *Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
 with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.*
 
 
 *She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
 sign reads:*
 
 
 *Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
 this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
 to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.*
 
 
 *PLEASE NOTE:*
 
 
 *To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
 store just across the street.*
 
 
 *The first floor has wives that love sex.*
 
 
 *The second floor has wives that love sex and like beer.*
 
 *The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.*

 
 
 
 

[VMX247]

Hey....... ............ WHATS IN THE BASEMENT         

[mx250]

Sounds about right Jackie