Funnies/Jokes

[pancho]

 TM bill wins this page!

[TM BILL]

A lesson in irony...


The Food Bank Program, administered by Welfare Canada, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food vouchers ever!

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the Canada Parks and Natural Resources, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on hand-outs and will not learn to take care of themselves.

This ends today's lesson!

 

[TM BILL]

Traditional Maori Ceremony:

 Wiremu had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Wiremu's 18th birthday came around, he and his friend Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in August, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in December, you idiot.............."

* * *

[TM BILL]

The Cardiologist and Mechanic :

---------------------------------------------------------

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"  The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the car.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine.  I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.  So how is that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....


 

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[TM BILL]

Scrabble...


 

Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful  .

 

 P N E S I


 


 


 


 


 


 



People who wrote SPINE became doctors... The rest are all my friends...
 
 

 

 

[TM BILL]

I just got sacked from my job with the Lifeline crisis centre.

A guy called Mohammed phoned and said, "My girlfriend left me so I'm
lying on the railway track at Sydney Central waiting for the train to
come".

I swear, all I said was,  "Remain calm and stay on the line".

 

[TM BILL]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
 
A young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.  While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out, and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
The couple sat and waited, and waited.  Two months passed and the couple are still waiting.  After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

Yes, he informs the couple, you can get married in Heaven. 

Great!  said the couple, “ But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven? 

Jesus Christ!  says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

What's wrong?  asked the frightened couple.

OH, COME ON!  St. Peter shouted, “ It took me three months to find a priest up here.  Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer? ”

 
 
 

 

[TM BILL]

SEE Language does matter – we need to say what we mean

 

You bet Facebook is a dangerous place!

 

 

I've made a big, big mistake on my Facebook page.

In hindsight I should have posted, "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford Escort XR3i sedan"

 

Rather than "I've just forked a 14 year-old Escort."

The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her Mums.

 

[pancho]

                                                                                                                                                                             You and I should meet, I was just about to post the Irish eqivalent to this one!
Traditional Maori Ceremony:

 Wiremu had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Wiremu's 18th birthday came around, he and his friend Rangi, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu went to see his grandmother

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in August, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in December, you idiot.............."

* * *

[TM BILL]

[Rusty]

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
 A young guy from Whakatane moves to Auckland and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.
 The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

 The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Whakatane ..'
 Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
 His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
 After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'
 The kid says, 'One.'
 The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day.
 How much was the sale for?'
 The kid says, '$101,237.65.'
 The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'
 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Ramco. When he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Kia.'
 The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

[TM BILL]

An  elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the Bistro area of the clubhouse.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD  BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER:  $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH :  $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. 



 



 

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.


“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”


The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers,  “I was wondering young lady, are  you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She  looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

 

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,

 

“Well  then, be sure to wash your hands because I want a  cheeseburger.”     
   
   

[Nobby25]

I really enjoy your jokes Bill      and even more now that you are adding pictures

[vmx42]

I really enjoy your jokes Bill      and even more now that you are adding pictures

+1 

[Stan S]

I really enjoy your jokes Bill      and even more now that you are adding pictures

+1 

+2