Funnies/Jokes

[pancho]

i just read 'the horth withperer' and can't stop the tears.......... "I laughed so much i pith myself it run all down my leg"!

[VMX247]

Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before
leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.

[Wombat]

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek...

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead!

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

[DJRacing]

You dirty rotten underhand bowling cheap shots in the dark Ockers     

But at least the Blonde Swiss Girl didnt dislike the idea of the kiwi having a go, she must've been keen...   

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek...

[Nathan S]

I don't think that I've ever been so amused and so horrified at the same time.

[mx250]

 

[shorelinemc]

What do you never say in a gay bar?could someone push my stool in.

[090]

First time solo skydiver jumps from the plane. He enjoys the view then decides to pull the chute. The chute wont open so he starts to panic, pulling the cord frantically.
He then remembers the back up chute and pulls that cord and again nothing happens.
He starts to really panic, thinking what can i do.
Just then he spies a guy flying upwards towards him.
In a panicked voice he yells "do you know anything about parachutes?"
The guy says "no.... do you know anything about gas stoves???"

[Wombat]

I don't think that I've ever been so amused and so horrified at the same time.

I have to agree with you on this one - that is beyond weird!
Now there's someone who needs a motorcycle in his life...

[TooFastTim]

Now there's someone who needs a motorcycle in his life... [/color]

I'd rather not have his *type* contaminating our gene pool.

[Hornet]

Hmmm without knowing Nathan personally , I was a bit scared to put up remarks about his website . Its great to see we have VMX girl site now, but I wasnt aware of the VMX gay site. Lets suck and see

[Rosco400]

Hmmm without knowing Nathan personally , I was a bit scared to put up remarks about his website . Its great to see we have VMX girl site now, but I wasnt aware of the VMX gay site. Lets suck and see

Hmmmmm Nathan, does your family & friends know what your getting upto on the computer, the ALT/TAB key must be working overtime
You hang out at some really weird websites

[VMX247]

'Sometimes  when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel  shame.   Then  I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .   If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.   
Then I say to  myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'   

[VMX247]

$500 an HOUR=
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down  and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
 
 
ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He  said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:  My name is  Susan!

ATTORNEY: So the  date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting  laid

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had  a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus  was in town I'm going with  male.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,  did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood  pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you  began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No ..
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,  Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a  jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,  nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and  practicing
law
 

[Nathan S]

Hmmm without knowing Nathan personally , I was a bit scared to put up remarks about his website . Its great to see we have VMX girl site now, but I wasnt aware of the VMX gay site. Lets suck and see

Hmmmmm Nathan, does your family & friends know what your getting upto on the computer, the ALT/TAB key must be working overtime
You hang out at some really weird websites

Found it on another forum, actually Rossco.
And the guy that posted it up on that forum was asked all of the same questions...