Funnies/Jokes

[EML]

That's worse than watching Fox Sport. The only game foxes play is the hunt -and they always seem to lose, outnumbered I believe.

[FAT-TOY]

THIS IS SO SCARY THAT THEY ARE HERE AND THEY EXIST!!!!” 

Even in Australia

IDIOT SIGHTINGS.

 I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but
they could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me
back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, 'Lady,
you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich, Qld.


IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local
council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING
sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

I went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
I asked the
person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our
car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door.
As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that
it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply,
'I know. I already got that side.'


STAY ALERT!   
They walk among us...
 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

[FAT-TOY]

*Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch *
> *standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of **airliners,
> military jets and the space shuttle, **all traveling **at maximum
> velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of
> collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
> windshields.***
>
> British engineers heard about the gun and were eager*
> * to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
> **Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the
> British engineers. **When the gun was fired, the engineers stood
> shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the
> shatterproof ** shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through
> the control *console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and
> *embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow **shot
> from a bow.
>
> The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results
> *of the experiment, along with the designs of the
> *windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
>
> NASA responded with a one-line memo --*
> **
> **
> **
> **
> *"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)

[mx250]

Ah, talking about Significant Others and Idiots  , if you do a resto pit bike for your Significant Other you might like to try this idea....

[ted]

IDIOT SIGHTING:

STAY ALERT!   
They walk among us...

Welcome GEORGE

[brent j]

I asked for half a dozen chicken nuggets at a takeaway shop the other day,

The guy told me they only have six or twelve..............

[EML]

Lucky you didn't ask for a "bakers dozen", probably would have said that they were fried, not baked

[GEORGE]

      TEDDY YOU ARE THE IDIOT!!!  PEOPLE WHO KNOW OF YOU

      HAVE CONFIRMED THIS AND YES YOU AREN'T THE FELLA THAT

       I SPOKE WITH AT CD7 WHO THEN OWNED YOUR 9K  KX HE

       WAS A DECENT FELLA UNLIKE YOURSELF  :'(

       YAMAHA YZ465 9K     

        KAWASAKI KX500 9K     

[Shaun G]

HE WAS A DECENT FELLA UNLIKE YOURSELF  :'(

Hey #29 has a fan!!! 

[ted]

That # 29 guy gets all the fan ( male )

So are you coming to Buladelah or not Georgy....Don`t be shy.

Hell i`ll even let you ride my KX

[brent j]

Lucky you didn't ask for a "bakers dozen", probably would have said that they were fried, not baked

That would stuff them completely!

[Nathan S]

A retired man went into Centrelink in Frankston and saw an advertisement for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist’s examination. The annual salary is $85,000, and you'll have to go to Mount Isa, Queensland."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

[matcho mick]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2xnWYx8YK8&feature=player_embedded

[matcho mick]

 




An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning
on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

'F**k off' . she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

[Mick D]

That's a beauty Mick