Funnies/Jokes

[EML]

Well, that answers that then.
Always wondered that myself, but had never drunk enough beer to contemplate it....or, more likely, was too wrapped up in some bench race where I was in front...... when I fouled a plug......

[shelpi]

What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so  I sat down and had a cold beer.The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the bollocks?

Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the bollocks.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the bollocks."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

[80-85 husky]

Smart Arse answer 2 Dumb questions

SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: 
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked. 
"Yes or no," she replied.
 
SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Tesco's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. 
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
 
SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said. 
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could." 
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
 
SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A truck driver was driving along on a country road.  A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, he?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"
 
SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A teacher at a High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
 "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."   
 


 
 

[matcho mick]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I afraid I don't have a husband" she replied "O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either.

Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,

"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film.The lead man was black."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that’s really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy

"Oh, I`m sorry,"

The midwife repeats, "that’s really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted Eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

"Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved.

"I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

The midwife Fainted......
 
 
 

[matcho mick]

 



       "G'day mate, Fosters Helpline. What's the problem dude?"

        "I'm in Australia with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her tits by a hornet, and now her vagina has completely closed   

               up"

        "Bummer dude"

        "Good advice, bye"


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sorelegs11]

In 1978 the great australian dream was 20,000 Kiwi's swimming home with a Vietnamese under each arm.

In 2013 the great australian dream is 250,000 Kiwi's swimming home with an Arab under one arm and a Shrilankan under the other.

[EML]

In 1978 the great australian dream was 20,000 Kiwi's swimming home with a Vietnamese under each arm.

In 2013 the great australian dream is 250,000 Kiwi's swimming home with an Arab under one arm and a Shrilankan under the other.

Then who would you have to thrash in the Rugby League?

[TM BILL]

Someone  asked me,
Now that you're retired, "do you have another job?"
I replied, “Yes I am my wife's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, they said
"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple.  The wife has told me that when she
wants my forking advice, she'll ask me for it."
 

[GMC]

I just heard back from Tech Support (the Mrs)...

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

I’m sorry to say once you have upgraded to wife 1.0 you cannot reset to last configuration and it seems that you have tried to fix the problem yourself by acquiring further upgrades and by so doing have exacerbated the original problem which could have been annulled easily enough prior to registration.



Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them

Wife 1.0 mistakes files – no access was built into the program to delete this folder however if you download the mini break 5.star with spa and masseuse options this program often overrides the mistakes folder and no further action will resurface on the folders contents by Wife 1.0.
 


Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge are viruses and once they integrate into Wife 1.0 they are very hard to fix however Romance 24/7 and Attention 1.0.1 will disinfect Wife 1.0 and program will run without too many glitches. You can prevent the launching of these viruses by installing the previous programs prior to infection but as in your case it seems that’s already too late.
 

 

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

 
Unfortunately these programs are necessary for Wife 1.0 to function correctly and if you don’t update regularly FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005 will crash.
 




Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Through personal experience I’ve found that Quality time together (upgraded regularly) works well for this problem or Young hunky Chauffer 25 will keep Wife 1.0 from attaching to your Saab93 hard drive by diverting Wife 1.0 output to other ports.



Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

 The MotherInLaw pop-up can be disabled by installing GrandChildren 2.5 thus overwhelming the MotherInLaw pop-up’s response activation codes and disabling communication interface.



Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.


Install Mistress 2005 at your own peril!!


Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.


I hope this advice was helpful to you.

Technical support

[TM BILL]

A mates missus told him to get some of those pills that help men get an erection

He went to the chemist and when he returned he handed her a bottle of diet pills

The doctor said hes expected to live but will never walk straight or ride a bike again

[TM BILL]

Victor is sitting on his usual train to London and across from him is a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Vic replies and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll Make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Victor, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Victor rushes over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Victor replies, "You’re kidding—you mean it can whistle, too?”

 

 

[TM BILL]

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist!' The priest fainted!
 

[gt96]

Pay Rise

[TM BILL]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

 

The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck."Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?"says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .



"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"
 
 
 

 
 
 

[TM BILL]

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

 

When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.

 

'What happened, Grandpa?' asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. I took it out and started to pee, but when I looked at it I didn't think it was mine, so I put it back!'