Funnies/Jokes

[FAT-TOY]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop [Garda]. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda’s expense. !

Garda says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Garda says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Garda says, “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Garda says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Garda says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the living s?*t out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”

[80-85 husky]

ripper joke.... but the cops in Ireland arnt Scottish!

[FAT-TOY]

  We had a Scottish cop in Cessnock a few years ago so there might be one over there as well. 

[80-85 husky]

I doubt it.... Cessnock would be paradise....

[TooFastTim]

There was a story a few years ago that some Saffie living in the UK gets pulled over by the plod for speeding. "Fair cop" he reckons and takes it on the chin. The Saffie got the shits with the UK and moves to EnZud and, for second time in his life gets pulled over for speeding. Same copper had also moved toEnZud. They had a good laugh about that.

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2010/dec/08/speeding-driver-new-zealand-policeman

[FourstrokeForever]

There was a story a few years ago that some Saffie living in the UK gets pulled over by the plod for speeding. "Fair cop" he reckons and takes it on the chin. The Saffie got the shits with the UK and moves to EnZud and, for second time in his life gets pulled over for speeding. Same copper had also moved toEnZud. They had a good laugh about that.

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2010/dec/08/speeding-driver-new-zealand-policeman

Classic.....surely that qualifies as "harassment"

[80-85 husky]

MOBIL (my Old Brother In Law) is a K1 W1 and was hooning home and got nabbed... handed over his kiwi ticket and told mr plod "he was here on business for a month" (he's been here since 86)

three months later, more blue flashing lights in the mirror, hands over his kiwi ticket.. " here on business for a month mate", mr Plod replies, "you were here on business 3 months ago... spill it sunshine!!" same Plod!!

cost him a fortune, had to go and get a vic ticket etc etc..

classic

[TooFastTim]

[asasin]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation

to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some very bad news...

Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an

emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below

us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the

odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on

the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our

VISA and MasterCard bills yet?"


"No, sweetheart," she responds.


Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther,

did we pay our American Express card yet?"


"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.



"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the estimated earnings

check to the IRS this quarter?" he asks.


"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."


Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.


Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"





Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

 

[asasin]

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asks Abe,"Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"

Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks."

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
 

Ready for this.......


"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter. "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."

[80-85 husky]

Manny rang Abe to see how he was... "hows business Abe?? Manny enquired?? "terrible" says Abe, "we had a huuge flood, the insurance company will have to pay out $200+ thousand dollars!!"
a long silence ensued....

Manny says "Abe, tell me...how do you start a flood??"

[Sorelegs11]

That reminded me of this one

Nick walks into the cafe and spots his mate Franco sitting in the corner, he strolls over and says " Fraonco I am so sorry to hear about the fruit shop burning down"
Franco looks at him with a stern look on his face " tomorrow, tomorrow"

[FourstrokeForever]

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asks Abe,"Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"

Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks."

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
 

Ready for this.......


"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter. "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."

That's a ripper!

[asasin]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to  Australia so that they can see their own doctor.

 

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69

 

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like
  winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror,
 we had six matching balls!

 

A politician has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving
said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.
 

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.
 Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then.
 God, I love my new taser!

 

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just
 a small white area. I've called him Bradford.


If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham
then delete it. It's spam.

 

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
 Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds
every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 

[asasin]

Another English word to ponder……….
 
Subject: What does "Service" mean?
 
Confused?   I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Inland Revenue  'Service'
Postal  'Service'
Telecom 'Service'
Sky TV 'Service'
Civil  'Service'
City Council 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
 
This is NOT what I thought
 
'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking.
 
One of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
 
BAM!!!   It all came into focus. 
 
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.   

You are now as enlightened as I am.