Funnies/Jokes

[TM BILL]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not Have a Headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and haves sex with his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying:
.
.
.
.
.
.
"She's not my Wife.
She's Not my wife.
She's not my wife..."

His funeral service will be held on Friday.

 

[TM BILL]

Why I Owe My Mother .....

**************************************


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with

me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful

parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING ..
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!
But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all time favorite!!

My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"

[TM BILL]

A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to
turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not
listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music,
especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

 

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened
the door.

 

The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?"

 

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so
fork off and wait for a camel!!"

[EML]

How dare you call that poor cab black TM-you should be ashamed of yourself !!

[TM BILL]

  you know Vaughn i hadnt even thought of that  how long till the bastards want us to start calling them coloured or perhaps Native London cabs  they can kiss my bottle and glass the bastards 

[Nobby25]

Tools explained-

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Crikey!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS (Nut Stuffers): Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be
used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH (Gas Axe): Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for
igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER (Screwhead Stuffers): Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

NAIL BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. Also converts an extracted nail into an eyeball- removing missile.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger of the other hand.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-***** TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.



 

[matcho mick]

 


 



 


A professor was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

 
To get a feel for his audience, he asks,

"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
 

 




About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says,

"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."


The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,

"So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
 
Hamad replied,

"Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
 
 

[matcho mick]

http://www.asphaltandrubber.com/racing/isle-of-nan-tt-closer-to-the-hedge/

[TM BILL]

I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official
race, I just stand in the city center & shout "Allah is a c#*t" & then
off we go....


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
Britain so that they can see their own doctor.?


I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for
two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69


I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the
wife look like she's moving during sex.


Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it
would be just like winning the lotto!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror,
we had six matching balls

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "British national party school of
diving" said they had no idea why his
snorkel and flippers did not open


 



 

[paco]

From: Ron Spencer
Date: 23/06/2012 4:58:48 PM
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:,
Subject: Fw: New Ford Truck !
     

 
----- 

















--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Nothing like a Ford Truck.

New Truck built by a company the Government didn't bail out.




I bought a new 'Ford F-250 Super Chief Tri-Flex Fuel Truck'

and it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the
radio to work.

The service technician explained that the radio was
voice activated..


"Nelson" the technician said to the radio.
the radio replied: "Ricky or Willie?"


"Willie" he continued and; 'On The Road Again'

came from the speakers.


Then he said: "Ray Charles" and in an instant

'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,

every time I'd say: "Beethoven"

I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,

"Tony Bennett" I'd get one of their awesome songs.


Yesterday, some stupid woman ran a red light

and nearly rammed my new truck,

but I swerved in time to avoid her.

I yelled: "Stupid Bitch"..........
Immediately the radio responded with:

"Ladies and gentlemen, an address from

The Prime Minister of Australia"


Damn I love this truck....




 

 
 

 




.
 







__________ Information from ESET NOD32 Antivirus, version of virus signature database 7242 (20120622) __________

The message was checked by ESET NOD32 Antivirus.

http://www.eset.com

[matcho mick]

 
'Guy goes into a bar in Canberra where there's a robot bartender!
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
 
The guy leaves, but he is curious.  So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about V8 racing, Carlton draft, the Broncos and the Canberra Raiders.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
 
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"SO, you people still happy with Julia Gillard???" 
 

[FAT-TOY]

Took the wife to a disco last weekend. 
 There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: breakdancing, moonwalking,
back flips, the works.

My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still f****ng  celebrating."

[FAT-TOY]

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
Halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home.
'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing..
They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!'
His Dad says.
'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him
in the course.'

So.... His father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?'
His father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father.
'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year,
His father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,'
 The boy says,
 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked,

'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers,
 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[Stan S]

Subject: FW: forgotten art of capital letters

From a teacher: 

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:
"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

[EML]

??wot d u meen