Funnies/Jokes

[Ted]

A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a car crash.A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!
So she throws a tampon in his face and says " There you go you miserable prick, I will pay you back monthly "

And the moral of the story is ....Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there are ALWAYS f...ing strings attached!

[Ted]

I asked my mate when is it legal to have sex with girls?

He said it`s legal once they have leave school.













Apparently 3:30 isn`t what he meant.........

[vmx42]

I asked my mate when is it legal to have sex with girls?

He said it`s legal once they have leave school.













Apparently 3:30 isn`t what he meant.........

    

[Pommie Barstad]

" . . . once they have leave school"?

Hope they got some better learning than what you did, mate; otherwise, they might not be able to read the clock!

[FAT-TOY]

  where wood we b without you skool teachars

[Ted]

" . . . once they have leave school"?

Hope they got some better learning than what you did, mate; otherwise, they might not be able to read the clock!

FFS

[TM BILL]

Just goes to show what a diverse range of people we get on here 

[GD66]

A pair of conjoined twins, joined at the hip, walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two VBs thanks."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday, lads ?"

"Off to the States next month," says John, "we go to the States every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don't we, Jim ?"  Jim agrees.

"Ah, the States !" says the bartender, "wonderful country...the climate, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that American crap !" say John, "Pies, peas, and VBs, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the Yanks : they're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Aussies."

"So why keep going to the States ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive"...

[paco]

I used to race cars.Then bikes:But they beat me every time.Even kids on scooters would beat me.p

[TM BILL]

Italian Cruise Ships

 

 


 

*************************************************

The current plight of the Costa Concordia reminds us of a comment made by Churchill in the 1950s . . .

 

After his retirement he took a cruise in the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner.

 

Some Italian journalists asked why an ex WWII British Prime Minister would chose an Italian ship.

“There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship” said Churchill.

“First, the cuisine is unsurpassed." 

"Second, the service is superb."

"And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first.”
 
 

 

 

[TM BILL]

> >> Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European
> leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC
> controllers; sitting together in the same compartment, travelling
> through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and
> very attractive female Irish foreign minister.
>
> >>
>
> >> The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is
> the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel,
> Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks,
> everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.
>
> >>
>
> >> Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have
> groped the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
>
> >>
>
> >> The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have
> tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled Merkel and she
> slapped his cheek.
>
> >>
>
> >> Sarkozy thinks: Why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped
> the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and
> she slapped me... the English bastard.
>
> >>
>
> >> And Cameron thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack
> that little French shit again.
>

[Kenneth S (222)]

Training Tips for this Race Season from the Good Chinese Doctor... Dr Wi Li Fast

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it...Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain......good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well...I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets for the race season.


And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to power slide in sideways—Beer in one hand—Burger in the other—body thoroughly used up—knees totally worn out—and screaming, "WOO-HOO, what a ride!"

AND...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

[TM BILL]

HELLO, OPERATOR!


 

ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!

Actual call center conversations!

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Customer:   'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator:    'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer:   'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator:    'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'


 

--------------------------------------------


Samsung Electronics
Caller:         'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:    'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller:         'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from

 the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator:    'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'


---------------------------------------------


RAC Motoring Services
Caller:         'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator:    'Does the policy name give you a clue?'


---------------------------------------------


Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?' 


---------------------------------------------


Directory Enquiries
Caller:         'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please.'
Operator:    'I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller:         'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.' 


---------------------------------------------


Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven , Scotland -

Operator:      'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:           'Yes.  That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.'

---------------------------------------------


On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'


---------------------------------------------


---------------------------------------------


Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer:            'OK.'
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer:            'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:    ;       'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.' 


---------------------------------------------


Tech Support:      'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer:             'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'


---------------------------------------------------------------


 

Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. 

So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'


--------------------------------------------


This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. 

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. 

Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without cause." 

I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.


Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!)

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble?'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared.'
Operator:         'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing?'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller:              'I don't know.'
Operator:         'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'
Caller:              'No.'
Operator:         'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller:              'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:         'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:              'I can't reach it.'
Operator:         'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller:              'No.'
Operator:         'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller:              'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:         'Dark?'
Caller:              'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator:         'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:              'I can't.'
Operator:         'No? Why not?'
Caller:              'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:         'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller:              'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:         'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:           'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:              'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator:          'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'
 

 

[TM BILL]

# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?   - On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?   - Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?   -  Follow the captain

# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock.   That's more than can be said for his ship.

# The captain  says he is not guilty of manslaughter.    He has witnesses to prove he was nowhere near the passengers who died.

# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises.    Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?

  Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

[paco]

A realy ugly person heard that what was ever was wrong with you was caused by some physical ailment.So he went to a chinese doctor."Ah take off all your clothes", the doctor said.And the patient did."Ah bend over",said the doctor.And the patient did.The doctoctor looked and said,"you have zackery disease".The patient said in suprise,"Why doctor what is zackery disease??The doctor said,"Your face zackery the same as your bum.