Funnies/Jokes

[asasin]

-
                         *Power Outage*
 
 
 We had an outage at our place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV,
DVD,
 
IPad and new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I
 
discovered that my IPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was
raining so I couldnt go riding.
 
 
 
 I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that
this
 
also needs power, so I talked to my wife for a few hours.
 
 
 
 She seems like a real nice person.

[FourstrokeForever]

That's gold asasin 

[pancho]

-
                         *Power Outage*
 
 
 We had an outage at our place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV,
DVD,
 
IPad and new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I
 
discovered that my IPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was   THATS  A  CLASSIC!  Even my wife thinks so!
raining so I couldnt go riding.
 
 
 
 I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that
this
 
also needs power, so I talked to my wife for a few hours.
 
 
 
 She seems like a real nice person.

[pancho]

THATS  A CLASSIC!  My wife even thought so!

[GMC]

That’s not a joke, last Wed we had a storm blow over and lightning took out the power for 8 hrs.

The new novelty of having a conversation with the missus started to wear thin after an hour

Despite several hours of knowing the power was off I can’t believe how many times I tried to turn light switches on when entering rooms.

[g465b]

          it was my mums birthday the other day
          so I bought her a dildo and a Michael Buble CD
          if she doesn't like the CD, she can go f..k herself

[asasin]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob.  I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. 
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. 

In fact, more than you.  I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. 

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen gain.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,

and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn auto correct.  I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[asasin]

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came.

[asasin]

Thought for the day...

 " It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

 

[asasin]

  The Agony of Aging
 
 
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit Bill.
 
When I arrived I couldn’t help but notice he had a tin of ‘nugget’ open and was busy
  covering his penis with black shoe polish.
 
I said to him, "Bill, is your hearing aid still playing up”?
   
  “No its fine” he said “Why do you ask”?
   
 
  I said “Then why don’t ya learn to forkin listen?  The bloke on the television said to
  turn your clock back! ya stupid old goat”. . . . .

[FourstrokeForever]

Hahahahahaha....keep em comin asasin. I get a laugh every day!

[matcho mick]

http://www.boredpanda.com/funny-chinese-translation-fails/



poor duck 

[gt96]

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little
ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to
a dog and a cat. The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:

"That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.
 
'Thanks,' says the little girl. The fireman looks closer and notices
the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and
 one to the cat's testicles.
 
'Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you
how  to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the
cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'
 
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and
at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says: 'You're
probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I?'

[asasin]

 

 

 

THE

BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation, then crawled into bed, only to find her husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.' In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!'Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

 

   
 
 
 


Keep smiling -- it makes people wonder what you are up to!

 

 

[asasin]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from
> getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."