Funnies/Jokes

[Stan S]

DAMN  FINE EXPLANATION 
       
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom  making love to a very attractive young  woman.
                   
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she  cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of  your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right  away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at  least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,'  but they'll be the last words you'll say to  me!'         
         
The husband  began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this  young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and  defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. 
                     
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very  dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days. 
                 
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the  enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat  because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured  them in moments. 
               
"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and  while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full  of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave  her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don't  wear because you say they're too tight.   
                   
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,  which you don't wear because I don't have good  taste.                   

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas  that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those  boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because  someone at work has a pair the  same.'                     

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so  grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the  door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
   
 
'Please  ...  Do you have anything else that your wife  doesn't use?

[DJVGXL]

Stan S.........................................that is GOLD     

[Pommie Barstad]

Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell ' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I Will Not Pass This Way Again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.

[matcho mick]

 

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and
was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?'
she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK,
you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Pommie Barstad]

Call Centre Conversations

Customer:	'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'
Operator:	'Where did you get that number from, sir?'
Customer:	'It was on the door to the Travel Centre.'
Operator:	'Errrrrm, they are our opening hours, sir.'
	------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
	Samsung Electronics
Caller:	'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:	'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller:	'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator:	'Ah. I think it means the telephone point on the wall.'
	------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
	RAC Motoring Services
Caller:	'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?'
Operator:	'Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
	------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Caller:	(enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in  France):
	'If I register my car in  France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
	------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
	Directory Enquiries
Caller:	'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please.'
Operator:	'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller:	'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
	------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
	Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:	'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:	'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland.'
	------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
	On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
	'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'..
	------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
	Computer Helplines
Tech_Support:	'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer:	'OK.'
Tech Support:	'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer:	'No.'
Tech Support:	'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:	'No.'
Tech Support:	'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer:	'Sure.. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
	------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Tech Support:	'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:	'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
	------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Caller:	'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'
	(Don't laugh too hard - how many of us have fleetingly thought of that in desperation?
	------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
	There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he sued the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
	Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator:	'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:	'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:	'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:	'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:	'Went away?'
Caller:	'They disappeared.'
Operator:	'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:	'Nothing.'
Operator:	'Nothing??'
Caller:	'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:	'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:	'How do I tell?'
Operator:	'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller:	'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:	'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:	'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:	'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:	'What's a monitor?'
Operator:	'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:	'I don't know.'
Operator:	'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:	'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:	'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:	'Yes, it is.'
Operator:	'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller:	'No.'
Operator:	'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable...'
Caller:	'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:	'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:	'I can't reach.'
Operator:	'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:	'No.'
Operator:	'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller:	'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:	'Dark??'
Caller:	'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator:	'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:	'I can't.'
Operator:	'No? Why not??'
Caller:	'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:	'A power....... .. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller:	'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:	'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you  bought it from..'
Caller:	'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:	'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:	'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator:	'Tell them you're too fecking stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

[Mike52]

Just figured out what to do with the stuff that clogs up the exhaust on 2/strokes.
Put it in a bucket and give it to the tax man.
Apparently they need all the carbon they can get.

[Mike52]

[jackiemac]

Not sure if this has been on yet or not.


Mate Match



Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification.  If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the
funniest thing you've heard yet.  Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win.  What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) ‘Yes, I am married.'

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

Brian: ' Sarah.'
DJ: 'Is Sarah at work, Brian?'

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?
Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for
couple of weeks...'

DJ: 'Uh huh..' .’
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred

times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this.'  [3 minutes of commercials follow.]

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.  Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah:'12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Well...'

DJ: ‘Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?’

Sarah: 'Up the arse....’

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions!



 
 
 

[montynut]

A couple living in a small Midlands village take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.

After her husband had gone off to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to darts, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"

The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"

"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy privates.

After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before."

"I know," he replied, "but the darts team hadn't!"

[shorelinemc]

three men where on a train-an american cowboy,a muslem and an american indian.the cowboy was just sitting back in his seat with his hat over his eyes,when the muslem stated -when we arrived we where few but now we are many,what do you infidels think of that!the indian said once we where many but now are few.the cowboy is ignoring the conversation when the muslem said what about you we are many now he again stated ,well said the cowboy thats because we havnt started on cowboys and muslems

[mx250]

Seen around the KKK kompound at CD7

[mx250]

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.


DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.


ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's own ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a Tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.


DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

3. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

[SLAWESY]

A Kiwi walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...   
 

 "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
 
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
 "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
 Not a cow."
 
The guy replies, "Im not forking talking to you."

[090]

How did your wife take it
You aren't a Kiwi but I bet you wish you were. With all those hot sheep running around naked mmmmm. Humans are alright, but you can't beat the real thing. Bill?
Hey, you know what's funny? Watching Jackie Mac doing the starts yesterday
I just realised what was funnier. A guy on an RM250 T flipping it at the start of practise. He was about your build.....

[Davey Crocket]

I saw that..... ...what a homo....