Funnies/Jokes

[mx250]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a coffee shop one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows. The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.' The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.' The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.' And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!' The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.' 

[Lozza]

Think your a good rider???

Well you aint this good

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=fjGfv2AeUss

[mx250]

[mx250]

[pokey]

There is currently a scam going around a few Bunnings stores.


 Here's how it works:

 Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car
as you're packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your
windscreen with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts; it is impossible not to look. When you thank them and
offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another
Bunnings; you agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start
having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat
and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had
my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,20th,
three times on Sunday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. PLEASE
BEWARE!!!

[090]

Sounds like a dream i had. I woke up ship wrecked..... broken mast and sea men everywhere !
Er, which Bunnings ?

[Wombat]

There's a Bunnings 100 metres from where I work.
I'm hanging out for payday so's I can buy a bag full of wallets!

[mx250]

Sumtink put put a smile on ya dial

[mx250]

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[GMC]

Enough of the jokes, what about a "feel good story"  It's amazing how an elephant can remember things.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.  As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.  The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.  He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.  The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.   

[mx250]

[mx250]

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. This took an awful lot of time, so John got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the sound of the bells.

John's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all morning. Curious, John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing, but Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up to a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud, he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded Brewster the No Bell Prize but also The Pullet Surprise.

[mx250]

A blonde pushes her Maico into the bike shop. She tells the mechanic, "It won't start."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it starts and is idling smoothly.

She says, "Well?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

[Wombat]

WOMAN'S DIARY
28 July 2007 Saturday
 

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we
made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 28 July

Australia lost the cricket.

Gutted.

Got a root though.

[mx250]

True Tale - a Brisvagas Cabbie's tale

One rainy night in Spring Hill, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

" Milton Road ", answered the woman.

"OK", he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"

"Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat,smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"