Funnies/Jokes

[pirie593]

  A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,    silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.  The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old Lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The walls  closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the  numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond  stepped out.

 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to  his son.....

QUICKLY, GO AND GET YOUR MOTHER......

[mx250]

  With friends like this who needs brothers

[tony27]

Histories ten best uses of the F word...

10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC


9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC


8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566


7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer,
1877


6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926


5th - "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937


4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938


3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945


2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the
head!" - JFK,1963


And ... drum roll

The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word ...
"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

[mx250]

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
 
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, & after checking the paperwork, the clerk admits that there is an error.
 
"However", the clerk explains, "it will be 24 hours before it can be rectified."

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven & they stop to have a chat.
 
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
 
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven."
 
Tiger: "Why is that?"
 
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
 
Tiger: "Sorry mate, you're a day late." 

Oh Dear

[mx250]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried forward, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
 
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
 
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.
 
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!’
 
'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
 
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

So how did it go? said the old Jewish man.
 
"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[jackiemac]

[move] [move][move][/move][/move][/move]

Good one Graeme

[jackiemac]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
 

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge.. Show him your BADGE !"

Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac

[VMX247]

ah that's what we are missing in life a badge and a tie      

[mx250]

[move] [move][move][/move][/move][/move]

Good one Graeme

Yeah, I liked  that one; the double entendre. 

[matcho mick]

Awoman went into a petstore to buy her husband a present for his birthday
after looking around she found all the pets were very expensive
she told the assistant she wanted to buy a pet for her husband,but did not want to pay a fortune!
'Well' said the assistant,'I have a very large bullfrog"
'They say it's been trained to give blowjobs'
'BLOW JOBS' the woman replied!
'it hasn't been proven,but we've sold 30 of them this month!
the woman thought,'what a great gag gift'
and what if it's true!
no more blow jobs for her
She bought the frog.


when she explained froggies talent to her husband
he was extremely sceptical,and laughed it off!

the woman went to bed happy,thinking i may never have to
preform this less than rivetting act again,
in the middle of the night she was awakened by the sound of pots & pans flying everwhere,
making hellish banging & crashing sounds
she ran downstairs to the kitchen,where she found her husband & the frog reading cooking books,
"what are you 2 doing at this hour",she asked
the husband replied
'if i can teach this frog to cook.............your'e gone!!"


   

[Mick D]

Hey Mick, how you going Mate? I am hungry, thirsty and my sack is nearly full again. I don’t suppose by any chance your frog has any bourbon loving sisters?

[matcho mick]

geezas mick too much info ,travelling ok

[Mick D]

geezas mick too much info ,travelling ok

Geezas Mick, you haven’t been scared enough yet, If that’s all it takes to give you a bad mental picture. Any how back to business, where have you hidden that forking frog Mick?

[Pommie Barstad]

Terror alerts
 
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
 
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get The Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
 
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly And Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
 
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs".
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
 
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
 
Meanwhile...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Sheet, I hope Austrulia will come end rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll Be Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled".
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[tony27]

SOCIALISM


You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and
gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both
and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes
both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes
both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The
government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that
you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to
your listed company.The annual report says the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike,
organise a riot, and block the roads, because
you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but
you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade
your country.You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of
Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few
beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive