Funnies/Jokes

[VMX247]

A   farmer in his ute, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked. I know where all the  tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."   

[pancho]

I heard on the radio that today a midget fortune teller escaped from goal. The person of interest is described as a 'small medium at large'.     pancho.

[monaro308]

I heard on the radio that today a midget fortune teller escaped from goal. The person of interest is described as a 'small medium at large'.     pancho.

LOL.....love it

[SLAWESY]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?  He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again..'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.  'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

         
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T   

I used to like Eric, the little prick.

[mx250]

I NO COME WOK TODAY!'
 
Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'
           
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.   

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.
 

[evo550]

Did you hear about the Dyslexic insomniac athiest?
He lays in bed, awake all night, wondering if there really is a dog.

[Shaun G]

Did you hear about the Dyslexic insomniac athiest?
He lays in bed, awake all night, wondering if there really is a dog.

I think he sold his soul to Santa 

[Nathan S]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMBYvKFdeiE&feature=player_embedded

[monaro308]

Its a quiet night........

[VMX247]

One for Nathan S      
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill.
The barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'   
 
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a polititian came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
 
The Politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.

[mx250]

[pancho]

In Ireland.    A cop sees a car swerving all over the road, gives chase and pulls paddy over.                                                                                                 Cop says, "what's going on here paddy, you're swervin' all over the road!"      Paddy says,                                                                                                   Its those damn pine trees, they keep on coming from the sides of the road and I've just missed them by a whisker!.                                                                        You've been into the Guinness again paddy, get rid of that air freshener thing hangin' from your mirror there!                                     cheers pancho

[All Things 414]

There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life!!!!!!!!

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions....



This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

[TM BILL]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81szj1vpEu8

[TM BILL]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRXJf-ANy2A&feature=related