Funnies/Jokes

[TooFastTim]

Got to the pub later though, for pints & pizza

What was that about culture?

[monaro308]

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young Sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya's!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[Hoony]

nice one Monaro, complete with good old Aussie Slang.

sheila, ringer,

[vandy010]

speaking of ringers and shiela's,
 a mate of mine John lost his job and all he could get was as a station hand on a remote outback cattle station.
upon arrival, the boss told him how there weren't any shiela's out there and him not being a married man had no wife or daughters so to speak but then went on to offer the services of the camel he kept in the barn and went on to say how most of the blokes use it from time to time,
well as you could imagine, John was quite shocked and wondered just what he'd gotten himself into.
first day on the job he didn't quite kow what to make of his fellow workmates as he quietly thought to himself they're a bunch of camel forkers
so after a few months, he decided he'd had enough and approached the boss about seeing the camel.
the boss took him to the barn and sure enough, upon opening the doors there she was, a beautifull lovely camel just chewin on a bit of hay.
John walks around behind the camel and says,
"she's a bit tall ain't she",
and with that, the boss pats her on the head and she kneels down,
so John now sweating proffusely, thinks to himself,
"well, it's now or never"
so with that, he drops his dacks and gets stuck into the camel
{scene missing}
and after about 15 minutes {he's a bit of a stayer old John},
he finishes his business, stands up and looks at the boss and says,
"well, that wasn't as bad as i thought it'd be",
and with that, the boss took off his hat and said,
"well you shocked the shit out of me, most blokes just ride her to town!"

[Mike52]

MyGrandpar died peacefully in his sleep.
The other 4 people in the car died screaming.

[pancho]

[quote author=Pommie Barstad link=topic=2771.msg138931#msg138931 date=12781961 (This was cricket, by-the-way, another sport we invented).

This isn't really a joke, is it? Sorry. I'll try harder.
[/quote]   Cricket ? a sport? now THATS a joke greatest cheats game ever invented. Had to be invented by pommies! cheers pancho.

[Pommie Barstad]

Clearly, there'd be nothing for my countrymen, friends or colleagues to drink here . . .

Dunno about you blokes though . . .

But if you're unsure on which side your bread is buttered, Meekatharra's the place . . .

[Pommie Barstad]

Got to the pub later though, for pints & pizza

What was that about culture?

Yes, sorry Tim, this is multiculture:- beers from a local craft brewery and a very nice German Wiessbier; pizza from next door to the pub (excellent idea!) from an Italian tradition (though the French claim to have invented it) combining such exotics as olives, anchovies, vegetable oil (cf. olives) plum tomatoes and cheese from buffaloes, speedily produced by an Eastern European kitchen crew. We encountered the cultures of half the known world in a sup and a snack . . .

[Pommie Barstad]

For when a hammer would be far too butch and a wrench too over-the-top - for when you need to give it just a little tweak . . .

[mx250]

Clearly, there'd be nothing for my countrymen, friends or colleagues to drink here . . .

Dunno about you blokes though . . .

But if you're unsure on which side your bread is buttered, Meekatharra's the place . . .

I think that's country boy talk for Brown's Ale or sim  .

[monaro308]

Stole this off another site 

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the
Talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for
The birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage
It?"

The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,
"Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?"
The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil.... This one's black."

[pancho]

Get ready for todays 'dad' joke: A turtle , a buzzard a rabbit were drinkin' mates who used to by a lotto ticket every week without winning a cent. Eventually they cracked the big one winning a huge fortune . So they discussed what the always wanted to do if they had money. Rabbit said well i'm going to the nursery and get all I need to plant and grow the best and biggest carrots ever! Buzzard says "I'm going to get a new place built where our shack is and have a rest." Turtle says, "I'm going to get some grog ordered in and  get stuck into it!... So rabbit hunts up all the carrot specialists for the best advice and orders all the best gear to be sent to there new abode. So he heads of home and finds that this great mansion is in place of the old joint. On knocking at the door he is confronted by this impressive butler looking down his nose who says to him "yes my man can I assist you?" Rabbit says 'where's buzzard?'...........  If you mean Mr Buz-aard my man  he is resting, says the butler...... 'Well where's turtle?' Butler replies Mr Tur-Tell is relaxing in the bar. Hmm... rabbit says... 'Well you tell Mr Tur-Tell and Mr Buzz-aard, that Mr Ra-bitt is here with the shit......Cheers pancho

[Mike52]

English man ,Scotsman and Irishman talking about closing time at the pub. English man says come closing time we all drink up and go home. Scotsman says , we all fight to see who has the last drink on the bar. Irishman says , thats nothing at our pubs you only have to pay for your first drink then you get free drinks all night ,then come closing they take you upstairs and you get laid.
The other two are stunned and ask, has this happened to you paddy?
Paddy says no, but it happened to my sister!

[Canam370]

Pick on Frankston.....

 Q -  Whats the first question at a trivia night in Frankston?
 A -     "What are you lookin' at C%#T?"

Q -  What does a Frankston girl use for protection when she has sex?
A -       A bus shelter.

Q -  How do you tell the difference between boys and girls in Frankston?
A _   The girls have a higher sperm count!

Q - Two Frankston guys in a car without any music - who is driving?
A -  The policeman.

Q - Whats the most confusing day in Frankston?
A -  Fathers Day!
     

[matcho mick]

paddy tells mick,"i'm thinking of buying a labrador"
"fook off" say's mick,"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"