Funnies/Jokes

[yamaico]

 A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
 Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
 When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to  God, Australia
 they decided to send it to Julia Gillard.
 Gillard was so amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
 She thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
 The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

 Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it
 through Canberra and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

[Lozza]

BUM DRILLER

[Curly3]

I have to ask the obviuos question Lozza.
What were you looking for when you stumbled across that?

[Lozza]

Was just send in the 'this weeks shit off the net' file

[VMX247]

Geez and we are spending money on curing aids   
cheers A

[matcho mick]

 

 

A Book Recommendation


A man goes into his local bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,


"Do you have the new book that’s out … for men with short penises?"
 
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
 
"That's the one … I'll take a copy."

 

 

[mx250]

[matcho mick]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at
the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do
not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that! I really don't think you should make him mad. 'Rubbish,' replied
the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew
the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about
200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, ' If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his
shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'













 

[VMX247]

'' FATHER OF THE YEAR "
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "
He replied, " No. I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints. "   

[GD66]

A man woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof, so he looked in the Yellow Pages amd sure enough, there was an ad for "Bear Removers"...

He called the number, and the bear remover said he'd be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do ?" the homeowner asked.

"I'm going to put this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage on the back of the van."


He handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for ?" asked the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the f**king dog !"   

[matcho mick]

          6 Degrees of Blonde

 
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*


          FIRST DEGREE
          A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning.
          The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
moment
          and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung

up.
          The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
          some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'


 
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*


          SECOND DEGREE
          Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
          the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in
the
          mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second
blonde
          says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the
compact.
          The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


          `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.
-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*


          THIRD DEGREE
          A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
          so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
          unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
          in the arms of a redhead.
          Well, the blonde is really angry.
          She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
          she is overcome with grief.
          She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
          The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
          The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
 
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
          FOURTH DEGREE
          A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
          She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
          A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
          The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'


 
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*


          FIFTH DEGREE
          What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant?
          'Is it mine?'


 
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*


          SIXTH DEGREE
          Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
          ransacked and burglarized.
          She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
          The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9
unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
          As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
dog,
          then sat down on the steps.
          Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find
all my possessions stolen.
          I call the police for help, and what do they do?
          They send me a BLIND policeman.'


 
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*








         

[VMX247]

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

 The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.."

 The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"


 Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

 "We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

 With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"

 Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

   


 

[mx250]

 Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit)"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[matcho mick]

 

 

 




 

 

 




 
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed
a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
 
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.
 
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
 
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.'That sure is a nice fire
truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.'
 
Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
 
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think
you could go faster.
 
The little girl replied thoughtful, 'You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.'
 




 

 

[TooFastTim]

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced.....

True story: an obnoxious American was in a queue at Heathrow, when he finally made it to the head of the queue he started berating the ground hostess, finishing with: "this must be the arsehole of the world". The hostess smiled sweetly and replied: "and we're just passing through are we sir?"".