Funnies/Jokes

[jackiemac]

 

 



The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome '

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy forked a penguin!'

'Grumpy forked a penguin!'
 
 
Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac

[mx250]

   sometimes men just get it all wrong 
happy green day for yesterday for today mx250

Did I tell you one of my forebearers was one Patrick Murphy exported at Her Majesty's pleasure. The charge? Insurrection  .

[VMX247]

   sometimes men just get it all wrong 
happy green day for yesterday for today mx250

Did I tell you one of my forebearers was one Patrick Murphy exported at Her Majesty's pleasure. The charge? Insurrection  .

Love ya work, Green Boy       

[Pommie Barstad]

Did I tell you one of my forebearers was one Patrick Murphy exported at Her Majesty's pleasure. The charge? Insurrection

I don't want to divert this to something it isn't mx250, but if your ancestor was transported at Her Majesty's pleasure, that can only have been between 1837 & (effectively) 1857, unless he was sent to WA, which had more Irish 'guests' up to 1868.
I was delighted to find that one of my possible rellies (same spelling of a difficult name) was caught trying to escape from Albany (then King George's Sound) in a laundry basket . . .

[mx250]

Paddy arrived in 1848 .

I also have a Pommy Bastard as a forebearer who arrived in 1828 at His Majesty's pleasure. He and his brother were exported by the good Sheriff of Nottingham  for sheep stealing. 'Sheep' can be singular or plural. I don't think it was a 'mob of sheep' ('they' probably would have hang them for that ) but it got them 14 years and "don't darken our doorway again". He left wet, miserable, dark, dunk and dingy NE England as a destitute starving 'with no hope' farm hand for the sunny climes of New South Wales  .  20 years later he had 2000 acres 4000 sheep and a good Irish girl 20 years his junior as a bride. Died aged 67 racing his son home from the pub at night on horseback. Silly old smart arse took a shortcut under a tree (cutting the course) and forgot to duck .

[Pommie Barstad]

Hmmm . . . . racing home from the pub? Now there's a concept I don't understand. Sure he wasn't Irish as well?

I was delighted to find that one of my possible rellies (same spelling of a difficult name) was caught trying to escape from Albany (then King George's Sound) in a laundry basket . . .

I've just thought - perhaps the attempt failed because he wanted to come clean. (Boom-boom!)

[Stan S]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

[Mick]

Karma for a greenie

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for
 getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was
 Climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth
 Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
 
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of
 splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the
 nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the
 splinters.
 
The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the
 examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours
 before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so
 long??!?!?!'
 
'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Parks And
 Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation
 and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth Timber from a
 'recreational area' . . .
 I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'

[mx250]

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"Please send me a  brother"....
Santa wrote back, "Please send me you mother".

[mx250]

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How  do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the  toilet."     
Husband: "How does that help?"     

Wife: "I use your toothbrush  ." 
   
 

[mx250]

Things that are hard to say when drunk


             THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

             1. Innovative

             2. Preliminary

             3. Proliferation

             4. Cinnamon

 

             THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

             1. Specificity

             2. Anti-constitutionalistically

             3. Passive-aggressive disorder

             4. Transubstantiate

 

             THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

             1. No thanks, I'm married.

             2. Nope, no more booze for me!

             3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

             4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.

             5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

             6. Oh, I couldn't!  No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

             7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

             8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.  I'd hate to look like a fool!

             9. Where is the nearest bathroom?  I refuse to pee on the side of the road.

             10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[EML]

You forgot the one about- "no thanks I have to get up and race toomorrow"/lol

[All Things 414]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed wasnicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.


It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scenewith Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.  Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for aids, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

  Love, your son, Nicholas.

 

"PS. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"

  I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[firko]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks..

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..



"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"

[Curly3]

Q - Why are there no Muslims on Star Treck?
A - Because it's set in the future.
The two things I hate most in the world are Racial Prejudice and Arabs.