Funnies/Jokes

[TM BILL]

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ''Greenside up.'' The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ''I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.'' The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ''Greenside up!'' The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ''I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.'' The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ''Greenside up.'' The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ''Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?'' The contractor replies, ''You see, I have four blondes laying turf across the street.''

[firko]

Best definition

There's an annual contest at the Griffith University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was 'political correctness'. The winning student wrote:
 
    'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.'     
 

[vmx42]

Best definition

There's an annual contest at the Griffith University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was 'political correctness'. The winning student wrote:
 
    'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.'     
 

    

[TM BILL]

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Oysters. Lobster. Champagne .  The whole nine yards

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a root tonight."

I said, "Would you care for dessert?



 
 
 
 
 
 

[TM BILL]

ONLY FOUR TICKETS REMAINING

If anybody wants them, I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) show.

Robbie will be flying into Sydney to stage an event at the Lakemba Mosque next weekend.


He is going to try to jump over 10,000 Muslims using a Caterpillar D-9.

 

[TM BILL]

[TM BILL]

Paddy goes into a Dublin Florist shop and says,

"I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend".

The florist looked at him and said, "Certainly Sir, what is it you're after?"

"A fu ck ", Paddy replies.
 
 
 
 
 
 

[TM BILL]

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up,  only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious...
Here she is –- in the  middle of dealing with this Libyan mess -- now this has happened

to her!



She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"You bastard! How could you have let this happen?  With all that's going on right now,

you go and get me pregnant!  How could you? I can't  believe this !  I've just found out

I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault !............Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper:
 
 
 
 
           “Who’s speaking?”
 
 
 
 

 

 

[TM BILL]

At a bar ...



Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says:




"Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds:


"No kidding, I'm in banking too!  Who are you with?"

[TM BILL]

 Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The
Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here
as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do
so.'

>

> Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the
Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5
years. You can speak two words.'

>

> Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

>

> 'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better
bed.'

>

> After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the
Priest. 'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

>

> 'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her
that the food would be better in the future.

>

> On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called
Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two words today.'

>

> 'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

>

>>

>

>'It's probably best', said the Priest, 'You've done fluck all but moan
since you've been here.'

[TM BILL]

Nun in a convent says to the mother superior
"whats for dinner "
MS says
"carrots"
Nuns smiles and says " thankyou lord "
MS says "Grated carrots "
Nun screws up her face and says fluck you lord "



Two nuns in a bath
Sister julia says to sister violet
"wheres the soap "
Sister Violet replies
" Does doesn't it "

[TM BILL]

;
Subject: FW: 5 Minute Management Course - BRILLIANT Management Course:

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour Before
she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves The woman
wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily And went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life...'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after Lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull S *# t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who s*#* s on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s*# t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep s*# t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[TM BILL]

Building Permit
Just applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with nine turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it bright purple with pink trim.

The City Council told me to fork off.

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.

Work starts on Monday.

[FAT-TOY]

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.  A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslim extremists, shouting anti-Australian slogans, with a half-burned Australian Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims praised Allah, shook their fists, hit the gas & darted off ahead of me. Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in the car. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "S**t... That could have been me!" So today; bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

[Iain Cameron]

Father O'rielly had served his church for 40 years and wanted to go home to the old country for a holiday . A new young priest was sent to relive him for 3 weeks . On his first confessional a sinner asked for forgivness , What was your sin asked the young priest . Sodomy stated the sinner . dumb founded the young priest couldn't think what to tell the sinner to do for his pennance so he slid out of the confessional to ask a alter boy . " What does father O'rielly give for Sodomy " he asked  , " A can of coke and a mars bar " was the answer .