Funnies/Jokes

[mx250]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard" replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled. 

[mx250]

The very best of the very politically INcorrect, Rodney Rude.



Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they fork off and its a really nice day. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big forking big red mark on her forehead.
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Zebu, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's forking hilarious....
----------------------------------------------------------------------

 I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton. 
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men are in a pub.  One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend......'You're so forking lucky...Mine's still alive...'
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'fork off, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
‘Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My wife's an epileptic' 
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you c*nt!'



Nominate ya favourite  .

[VMX247]

I'm with the clouds    see you later 

[Stewart Allen]

Nagging so & so's no offence intended ladies

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get
a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have
you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the> stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided
to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 

[Husk72]

People this is  a fantastic thread.
I reckon its fabo that all the posters on here take the time to put up funnies.
Unfortunately very few readers of the post leave feedback.
Up until today I'd viewed this topic twice,each time I felt guilty for not leaving comments.

Thanks everyone who'd posted on here for relieving us of everyday lifes blues.
Had so many laughs with all the posts, don't stop now please guys.
And............... people leave feedback!
Thankyou to all the posters who deliver the funnies.

[VMX247]

Husk 72...This has never been a place comment too much----- just read and laugh, 
I reckon that's whats good about it, 
or it could/would get ugly with political/sexual disagreements     
laughter is the best medicine  ENJOY 
cheers

[mx250]

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said he was still there.


 

[VMX247]

[Viper666]

Dont know if this ones been on but...


A large woman comes home and says to her husband "I want $15,000" he says " what for"?
"I want a breast enlargement operation and it cost $15,000"
"You dont need to have an operation just rub toilet paper between your breasts"
"Do you think that will work?
"Well it did for your arse!"

[mx250]

Little wonder I feel manipulated all the time .

[VMX247]

No Joke -Just in case you think you are having a hard time.

[mx250]

Love Making Tips For Seniors

 
1. Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice...

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And
make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one;
I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes And you're barefoot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of
your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need
to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use
the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?   


Isn't it reassuring to know that you ain't old yet .

[matcho mick]

Bundy rum true fish story # 4
finally got around to go fishing the other day,but after a while i ran out of  bait!
then i spotted a king brown with a frog in it's mouth,and frogs are good bait for bass
knowing the snake couldn't bite me with a frog in it's mouth,i grabbed the snake behind it's head
and got the frog & put it in the bait bucket
dilemma now was to release the snake without getting bit
grabbed the bundy rum  & poured some down it's throat
it's eyes rolled back,& it went limp,i released it onto the bank without incident,
& carried on fishing with the frog as bait
a little later i felt a nudge at my foot
it was the same snake, now with 2 frogs in it's mouth

[pirie593]

The deaf book-keeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[mx250]

I always say "never trust a lawyer .