Funnies/Jokes

[dkupf]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.  'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.'  You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre.
 
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
 
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
 
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!   
She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
 
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.   
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!  The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere.   
On him, the walls, etc.
 
'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'
 

[VMX247]

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?'

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a sma ll world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going?'

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
'The Murphy twins are drunk again.' 
 

[Wombat]

The wrong answer:

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed..

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
fork ....

[mx250]

Things you always wanted to know about life but were too disinterested to ask

1/ If  you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced  enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 
(Hardly  seems worth it.)

2/If  you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is  produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. 
(Now  that's more like it! Now if I could find away to harness this power to a VMXer.....hmmmm)

3/ The  human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to  squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!) 

4/ A  pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. 
(In  my next life, I want to be a pig.) 

5/ A  cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to  death. (Creepy.) 
(I'm  still not over the pig.) 

6/ Banging  your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour 
(Don't  try this at home,  maybe  at work)

7/ The  male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its  body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. 
(Honey,  I'm home. What the. ..?!)

8/ The  flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the  length of a football field. (Yeah, but how far can a flea jump a VMXer)

9/ The  catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. 
(What  could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) 

10/ Some  lions mate over 50 times a day. 
(I  still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) 

11/ Butterflies  taste with their feet. 
(30  minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)   

12/ The  strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......next time I can't get a rusted boly to move I'll know what to try next ) 

13/Right-handed  people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed  people. 
(yeah team!!! ) 

14/Elephants  are the only animals that cannot jump. 
(Okay,  so that would be a good thing - are BMW's elephants? ) 

15/ A  cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I  wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

16/ An  ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(  I know some people like that.) 

17/ Starfish  have no brains 
(I  know some people like that too.)   

18/Polar  bears are left-handed.
(If  they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

19/ Humans  and dolphins are the only species that have sex for  pleasure. 
(What  about that pig??)
   
Now  that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this  to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe  even a  chuckle. 

In  other words, send it to everyone  !      (and  God love that  pig!)

[Wombat]

7/ The  male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its  body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. 
(Honey,  I'm home. What the. ..?!)

Hmmm; these may be true, I don't know - but I don't believe this one!

[Quicksilver]

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47.. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer

[paul]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYp_Xi4AtAQ

[Rosco400]

I think he told her the joke about humping the sister or something

[mx250]

Wally's Wedding Night
 
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.   

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.
Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it.....

Wally is back again, rapping on the  door,   and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,

'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'   

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: ......'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Senior moments have advantages. 

[Wombat]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYp_Xi4AtAQ

Yep, there's some great stuff on You Tube; but you'll notice the head was devoured AFTER the rooting - not before.
A hickey gone wrong?

[mx250]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

         40-ish                                       -       49
         Adventurous                              -       Slept with everyone
         Athletic                                     -       No t*ts
         Average looking                         -       Ugly
         Beautiful                                    -       Pathological liar
         Contagious Smile                       -       Does a lot of pills
         Emotionally secure                    -       On medication
         Feminist                                    -       Fat
         Free spirit                                  -       Junkie
         Friendship first                           -       Former very *friendly* person
         Fun                                           -       Annoying
         New Age                                   -       Body hair in the wrong places
         Open-minded                             -       Desperate
         Outgoing                                   -       Loud and Embarrassing
         Passionate                                -       Sloppy drunk
         Professional                              -       Bitch
         Voluptuous                                -       Very Fat
         Large frame                               -       Hugely Fat
         Wants Soul mate                       -       Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

         1. Yes                                                         =       No
         2. No                                                          =       Yes
         3. Maybe                                                     =       No
         4. We need                                                 =       I want
         5. I am sorry                                                =       you'll be sorry
         6. We need to talk                                       =       you're in trouble
         7. Sure, go ahead                                        =       you better not
         8. Do what you want                                     =       you will pay for this later
         9. I am not upset                                          =       of course I am upset, you moron!
       10. You're very attentive tonight                       =       is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

         1. I am hungry                                                   =       I am hungry
         2. I am sleepy                                                    =       I am sleepy
         3. I am tired                                                       =       I am tired
         4. Nice dress                                                     =       Nice cleavage!
         5. I love you                                                       =       let's have sex now
         6. I am bored                                                     =       Do you want to have sex?
         7. May I have this dance?                                   =       I'd like to have sex with you
         8. Can I call you sometime?                                =       I'd like to have sex with you
         9. Do you want to go to a movie?                         =       I'd like to have sex with you
         10. Can I take you out to dinner?                         =       I'd like to have sex with you
         11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit               =       I'm gay
 

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!

[mx250]

[mx250]

A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.   
 
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis,
something she had lovingly done on many occasions.   
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her,
 
'Why do you love doing that?'     
She replies:
'Because I really miss mine'.
 
 

[mx250]

[mx250]