Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662375 times)

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Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #735 on: May 02, 2010, 11:29:38 pm »
whats difference between the Storm,& a toothpick?









toothpicks got points both ends,storms got none ;D
work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

Offline oldskool

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #736 on: May 03, 2010, 07:52:52 am »
you been watching sunrise matcho mick

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #737 on: May 05, 2010, 01:47:27 pm »
Escaped Convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.'

To which his wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!'

Offline VMX247

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #738 on: May 05, 2010, 01:57:40 pm »
 :D  :D  :D
Best is in the West !!

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #739 on: May 06, 2010, 09:17:20 pm »

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT   

 My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
 who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food
and drinks.

 As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the
 aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
 that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people,
 if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his
 trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
 Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't
 hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise
 your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
 She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one.'

 To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
 beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
 outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch' 

Pommie Barstad

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #740 on: May 06, 2010, 09:31:37 pm »
Understanding Engineers - Take one
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,  'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.' He said, 'Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?' 
The graduate with a performing arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it  ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn  into a beautiful princess.' He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'  The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #741 on: May 06, 2010, 11:53:08 pm »
Not bad, not bad at all - for a Pommie Barstad ;D

Pommie Barstad

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #742 on: May 07, 2010, 12:18:13 am »
Not just a Pommie Barstad, but one from a long line of barstads who were engineers and who has inherited the full range of bespoke Engineers Tools. To whit:
1) A Hammer
2) A Very Big Hammer
What more does one need?

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #743 on: May 07, 2010, 06:32:59 am »
And what was the first thing you were taught "If you first don't succeed, get a bigger hammer" ;D

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #744 on: May 07, 2010, 06:39:22 am »
A wife asked her  husband: 'What's my best feature, pretty face or  my sexy body?'
 
He looked at her  from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of  humor!'   

Pommie Barstad

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #745 on: May 07, 2010, 08:46:54 am »
That's not humour, or even humor: it's irony . . .

Offline jackiemac

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #746 on: May 08, 2010, 11:59:01 am »
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian". He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fu#kin' widow."
 



Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Be kind to your neighbour!!

Offline brent j

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #747 on: May 08, 2010, 12:13:44 pm »
Speaking of engineers, I recently had a discussion with one of our graduate engineers over the design of a new sewage treatment plant. I explained why a certain piece of equipment had proved unsuitable and why it should not be used again.
With no experience of treatment plants or the equipment concerned he boldly stated that "I don't think there will be a problem with that"
At that moment a TM Bill-ism sprang to mind so I said "Your half right, you don't think"

THANK YOU BILL ;)

« Last Edit: May 08, 2010, 04:42:13 pm by brent j »
The older I get, the faster I was

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #748 on: May 08, 2010, 05:47:06 pm »
Did it go across well or is he still thinking about it? :D

Offline brent j

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #749 on: May 08, 2010, 05:59:18 pm »
No he got all bitter and twisted about it and made a complaint.

My boss couldn't stop laughing when he "told me off" so no none is taking it seriously, least of all me.

The senior engineers who are designing the upgrades are, for the first time ever, running everything past the operators and we are reccomending changes which so far they are following.

« Last Edit: May 08, 2010, 06:25:48 pm by brent j »
The older I get, the faster I was