Funnies/Jokes

[TM BILL]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTYVjlgSrg0

[pancho]

 The first part of this is true!
 Probably contains too much information but here goes any way.

 The other day I developed a rash on my back side, so I adjourned to the bathroom and got a lanolin based nappy wipe thingo and applied it to the appropriate spot.

  BUT I grabbed the wrong container wich contained ISO anti bacterial wipes!!!!! After a few loud carefully chosen words I started to laugh, 'cos I tremembered an old joke.

 It goes like this,
 A bloke pulled up with his horse and cart to get a hamburger from the old greek cafe, he got his 'burger but his horse jibbed and wouldn't move.

The old Greek came out with a hot potato and said  'lift the horses tail, put the hot 'tater on his bum and he'll go'!
So they did that and the horse took off , ..... the bloke said

  get another one 'cos I'll have to catch the so & so.

[Montynut]

YEP Waaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy to much information

Once you mentally visualise something you can not un-visualise it

 

[MauriceR]

[matcho mick]

A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.
The Kiwi whisks three biscuits into his pocket with lightning speed.

The baker doesn't notice.
The Kiwi says to the Australian, "You see how clever we are ? You'll never beat that !!"
The Australian says to the Kiwi, "Watch this - an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi."
He says to the baker, "Give me a biscuit - I can show you a magic trick !!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker, “Give me another biscuit for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.

He eats this one too.


 

Then he says again, "Give me one more biscuit."


 

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Australian eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick ?"
The Australian says, "Look in the Kiwi’s pocket !!"
 

 

 

 

[TooFastTim]

[mainline]

 

[TM BILL]

P E T A people enjoying tasty animals 

[FAT-TOY]

First Time Sex
It is clean and funny.
 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[paco]

WARNING,WARNING,WARNING; Never buy a family pack of condoms.....They have holes in them and you will soon have a family.p

[matcho mick]

 

 

Tonsils vs. Circumcision

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on trolleys next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid.

 

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to
sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

 

The first kid says, "Circumcision."

 

"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.

 

Couldn't walk for a year.

[Nathan S]

http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/2011-Great-Wall-V200-/111135825339?pt=AU_Cars&hash=item19e0361dbb

[Simo63]

http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/2011-Great-Wall-V200-/111135825339?pt=AU_Cars&hash=item19e0361dbb

Now that's funny

"IF YOU HAVE ANY SMART ARSE COMMENTS DON'T BOTHER BECAUSE I HAVE HAD THEM ALL BEFORE"

I wonder why .. 

[worms]

just a little bit sad

[Slakewell]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

On the other hand, if you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and asks, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

 

"We're getting granite bench tops."