Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 622334 times)

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mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #570 on: October 21, 2009, 12:33:34 PM »
John was in the fertilized egg business.  He had several hundred young layers
(hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.  He kept
records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time,  so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters.  Each bell had a different tone,  so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.  Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an
efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning
he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!  When he went to investigate, he
saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,  bells-a-ringing, but the
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.  To John's amazement,
old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch,  he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.  The result was the
judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded
him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet
by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they
weren't paying attention.

 ;D

Offline jackiemac

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #571 on: October 21, 2009, 01:03:13 PM »
Thats brilliant  ;D :D, keep them coming:D ;D

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Be kind to your neighbour!!

Offline jackiemac

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #572 on: October 21, 2009, 11:11:38 PM »
3 aboriginals are sitting at the local shops in Meekatharra

The first bloke says to his mate “Hey Jeffry wat land ya gonna buy with your money from da government?”

Jeffrey says “ I’m gonna buy Arnom land, dat’s good land up der bloke”

Then Jeffry says to Lewis “ Hey Lewis, what land you gonna buy?”

Lewis says “ I’m gonna buy Gibson land…. Nice place round dere Eh?

Then Lewis says to Neville “Ai! Neville wat land you gonna buy there bloke?”

Neville replys “ I’m gonna buy LIQUOR LAND”  :D ;D

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac

 
Be kind to your neighbour!!

Offline jackiemac

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #573 on: October 28, 2009, 10:15:32 AM »
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive

woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and


said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.


She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and

Decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for


a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.


The note read:


"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in

return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to
return this to the woman.


It read:


"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account... But, not even for a woman as beautiful as
you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

 
 
 
 
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Be kind to your neighbour!!

Offline VMX247

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #574 on: October 28, 2009, 10:37:53 AM »
 good on jackiemc....:D :D :D :D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Teach her to be a greedy woman   :D
Best is in the West !!

Offline Nathan S

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #575 on: October 28, 2009, 07:00:21 PM »
This may be a repost, but:

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me,

"YOU'RE NEXT".

They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
The good thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said.

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #576 on: October 28, 2009, 09:31:20 PM »
This is a true story, it happened to me at CD5 ;) :D,

I checked into my hotel and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such.

I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Amber, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... Well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

Offline vmx42

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #577 on: October 29, 2009, 08:07:45 AM »
And people wonder why Classic Dirt has to move to a new location each year…  ???
When a woman says "What?", it's not because she didn't hear you, she's giving you the chance to chance to change what you said.

Beam me up Scotty, no intelligent life down here…

"everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not to their own facts"

oldfart

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #578 on: October 29, 2009, 06:15:04 PM »
AND...  did you'r invite turn up  ;D

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #579 on: October 29, 2009, 07:15:05 PM »
AND...  did you'r invite turn up  ;D
Yeah, both of them ;) ;D

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #580 on: October 30, 2009, 01:21:51 PM »
In his life a man has three dolls,

His daughter, the ever so sweet, cute, Baby Doll,



The one he lust after and dreams of, Barbie Doll,



And then of course is his wife,

Panadol



Offline Hoony

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #581 on: October 31, 2009, 09:54:05 AM »
apparently there is only 2 ways to understand Sheila's







No bloke knows either of them.....
Long time Honda Fan, but all bike nut in general, Big Bore 2 stroke fan.    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJoKP6MawYI
1985 Honda CR500RF "Big Red"
1986 Honda CR250RG
2005 KTM 300EXC "The GruntMeister" ( I love that engine)

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #582 on: November 02, 2009, 11:20:20 AM »
Beware  of older men - they only get wiser! ;)

 

A  woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the  results.

On her way home, she stops at a  newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she  says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how  old do you think I am?

'About 32,' is the reply.'  'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily


A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks  the counter girl the very same question.

The girl  replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'  The woman replies with  a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

 

Now she's feeling  really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to  get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
 

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old  man waiting next to her the same question. 

He  replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I  was young I had a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman  was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me  put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then  can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in  silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell,  go ahead.'
 
He slips both of his hands under her blouse  and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together  and rubs them against each other. After a couple of  minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts,  removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
 
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was  incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says,  'Promise you won't get mad?

'I promise I won't'  she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'  :-* ;D

Offline Shaun G

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #583 on: November 02, 2009, 11:37:44 AM »
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. "On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them."
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here, try these on.."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'
Mike did and said, "'I can't get into your panties.'"
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

Offline lyle2212

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #584 on: November 02, 2009, 06:27:21 PM »
This is an Incredible story!



In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in   Kenya after graduating from   Northwestern   University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and

walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same f*****g elephant.