QUOTE OF THE MONTH
"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer."
— Abraham Lincoln
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Quote of the week
"this is worse than a divorce...I've lost half my net worth and I still have my wife"
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A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn it!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' said the cop. 'Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no, no', said the old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners.
Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, and say, 'O ..K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' '
'Well, that seems only fair,' said the cop, laughing. 'OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well, you know', said the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'
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And once again, it's time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwins are awarded every year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool.
This years nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a 'farm-type truck.' Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns 'wrapped in the drive shaft.'
Nominee No. 3:[ Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was 'one of the best and brightest' (ed note:
?) members of the 200-man association.
Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff’s investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred, said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. 'It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony,' Honer said.
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, PoolE's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge . After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. 'Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both be dead,' stated Wallis. 'I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened,' said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck??? (Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)
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