Funnies/Jokes

[mx250]

Different way to take the bull by the horns   



VALENTINES DAY FRIDAY - SPOIL YOURSELVES ROTTEN

Or the horn by the bull 

[GD66]

VALENTINES DAY FRIDAY - SPOIL YOURSELVES ROTTEN
[/quote]


Friday the 13th, Friday, scare yourselves rotten. Make up on Valentines Day Saturday....if you're lucky. But remember lads, brownie points only last until the next time you screw up....

[VMX247]

Different way to take the bull by the horns   

VALENTINES DAY FRIDAY - SPOIL YOURSELVES ROTTEN

I am a Taurus 

That explains a hell of a lot,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'm a Leo     

[Wombat]

I don't have 'star sign'; There was some loophole when I was born and I simply don't have one.
True story!

[shorelinemc]

This is only funny if you are old enough to remember bil and ben the flower pot men
bill said to ben blib blubbloob and  ben said if you love me you would swallow that

[Rosco400]

Got this classic today, gotta make you laugh

> Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy
> > looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to
> > you,
> > that you're from Ireland ..'
> >
> > The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
> >
> > The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
> >
> > The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
> >
> > The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
> >
> > 'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?
> >
> > The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary
> > Street
> > in the old central part of town.'
> >
> > The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
> > And to what school would you have been going'?
> >
> > The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
> >
> > The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what
> > year did you graduate'?
> >
> > The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
> >
> > The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
> > hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can
> > you
> > believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
> >
> > About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
> >
> > Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,
> > 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
> >
> > Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
> >
> > 'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'
> >

[mx250]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfPjWQQDu3c

[VMX247]

And how good am I ,,,,,,,,Valentines day is SATURDAY   

[mx250]

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary  Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing  this was  not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the  mood  slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'   

She replied, 'Probably out riding with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the  classroom.........

 

[Wombat]

Job at the FBI:

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home..'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. 
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.  'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them...

[VMX247]

Right person for the Job then     

[Sue]

Their was a little old lady who lived behind the golf course, she was sick and tired of the golfers hitting their golf balls into her garden and while they where there they would have a leak in her garden, so one day she sat behind the bush with some secateurs and to every golfer who pulled there thingy out to have a pee she "said twenty dollars or ill cut it off," this went on for a couple of days ,she had made a nice sum of money so in two garbage bags she set off to town to bank the money, then a copper stop her and told her there was a hole in one of the bags and that she had twenty dollar notes falling out. Thank you for telling me with a smile on her face. but the copper couldnt leave it at that and had to ask, where she had got all the money from. well she said " i live behind the golf course and  these men kept peeing on my garden everytime their ball went missing." So i sat behind the bush and told them twenty dollars or i will cut it off,,,, The copper started laughing thinking she was a smart women, then he ask whats in the other bag and she said in a small voice "their the ones that didnt pay."   

[Wombat]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A bloke calls his mate, a Cowboy, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
Cowboy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a Dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the Dwarf shows up and the Cowboy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the he picks up the Dwarf and the little fella gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
Old mate is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
"What??!!" says the Cowboy.
Totally mad at this point, he grabs the Dwarf under the arms and rams his head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrathe that... can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'   

[Wombat]

Women are Evil...

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third shop, everything had just been reduced when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life, he will require round- the- clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.  He's dead. What did you buy?'

[mx250]