Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662299 times)

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monaro308

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #780 on: June 06, 2010, 06:28:00 pm »
A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had
been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . .... The part about her
being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049..'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the F**K do you do with dead people on your planet?

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #781 on: June 06, 2010, 06:35:02 pm »

'Well, what the F**K do you do with dead people on your planet?

Thanks. The sad thing is it;s probably all true ::). Thanks again. ;D

Offline EML

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #782 on: June 07, 2010, 04:39:46 pm »
Best one that ive heard in a while is...

Tax dept send an auditor to the local hospital for the annual check(should that be the other way 'round?)
The auditor asks the CEO what the hospital did with all the off-cut bandage thinking it would go to waste.
The CEO answered that they actually sent it back to the supplier who would then send them an extra box with the next oreder free of charge.
A bit annoyed at this the auditor then asked what they did with all the waste plaster they had over and the CEO smiled and said that this too was sent back to the supplier who did much the same and sent the odd freebie back as thanks.
So being a right smart arse the auditor said ''I 'spose you keep all the off-cut foreskins from circumcisions for later as well-do you?''
The CEO sees where this is going so he replys" no we box them all up and send them to the tax office and once a year they send us a full prick!"

Offline pancho

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #783 on: June 10, 2010, 10:54:07 am »
A old irish farmer lost his dog and was inconsolable. His wife said 'why dont you put an add in the paper?'  Two weeks later he is still very distressed as theres no sign off the dog and his wife said what did you put in the add? he answered "here boy"
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Offline GD66

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #784 on: June 10, 2010, 11:45:02 am »
My friend has messaged me to say he won't be making any humorous or irreverent observations on the unfortunate passing of Adriana Xenides. He feels it would be _n_ppr_pr__t_ .
« Last Edit: June 10, 2010, 02:02:24 pm by GD66 »
Nostalgia's not what it used to be....

Offline cyclegod

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #785 on: June 10, 2010, 12:13:34 pm »
My friend has messaged me to say he won't be making any humorous or irreverent observations on the unfortunate passing of Adriana Xenides. He feels it would be _n_ppr_pr__t_ .

"I'd like to buy a vowel"  :D
Ban BLACK rims NOW

Offline kipo

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #786 on: June 10, 2010, 01:26:44 pm »
Perhaps she should have bought a 'bowel' insead of a 'vowel'  ;D

monaro308

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #787 on: June 10, 2010, 01:28:48 pm »
Perhaps she should have bought a 'bowel' insead of a 'vowel'  ;D

Kipo you beat me while i was typing.....going to say the same thing ;D

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #788 on: June 10, 2010, 01:30:54 pm »
Perhaps she should have bought a 'bowel' insead of a 'vowel'  ;D
Oh dear ::).

(I'm glad you said it and not me  ;) ;D).

Offline bigk

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #789 on: June 11, 2010, 04:37:08 pm »
Warning. If you are concerned about political correctness, DO NOT read the following story. By the way, it's a true story, only the facts have been changed.
The city of Darwin was in the midst of a terrible mouse plague when out of nowhere a man came along and insisted he could rid the town of them for the princely sum of $1 million dollars. The council held out for a while but it got too much and they called the guy in. He pulled out a hand carved flute, made of Boa Boa tree wood and proceeded to cut a tune. Low & behold out came all the mice, rats & rodents and they followed the "pied piper" out of the city until he directed them over the edge of a very deep crevise to their death. The mayor was very thankful & was happy to write the the cheque as promised. The one & only question he had for the piper was "can you play a didgereedoo?"
K

Offline pancho

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #790 on: June 11, 2010, 05:01:19 pm »
A window cleaner working on an  office block lent too far and fell from the 5th floor. As he went past the 3rd floor he thought to himself 'well so far so good'                     He hit the ground and an onlooker raced up to him and said 'gees mate what happened'  The response was    "I dont know mate I just got here!"
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Offline pancho

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #791 on: June 12, 2010, 04:52:58 pm »
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.              "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"she says.   A little girl raises her hand."I had a kitty cat that stuttered."   The teacher knowing how precious some of these stories could become , asked the girl to describe the incident.   "Well she began,'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!    'That must have been scary,' said the teacher.     'It sure was' said the little girl.    'My kitty raised her back, went "Fffffft! Ffffff! Fffffft," but before she could say "fork!" the Rottweiler ate her!    The teacher had to leave the room.
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monaro308

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #792 on: June 13, 2010, 07:51:51 pm »
On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffered to
Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen
over.

As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that
someone had "pissed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY
SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense
spared" and to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ...."our
investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good
news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......we spent $5 million dollars on the
investigation and have come to a successful result.

Well says Kev what's the bad news ?

The head of ASIO says "the DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne Swann's".

Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.

Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies..."the hand writing is Julia Gillards".


mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #793 on: June 18, 2010, 07:37:10 am »
       The other day my wife came and sat next to me on the couch and asked "whats on tv".

 "Dust" I replied. Thats when the fight started.......

090

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #794 on: June 18, 2010, 04:44:12 pm »
I got a bike for my wife the other day.
It was a good trade!