OzVMX Forum

Clubroom => General Discussion => Topic started by: mx250 on April 30, 2008, 09:26:30 AM

Title: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on April 30, 2008, 09:26:30 AM
......how about having a dedicated Funnies section. And by Funnies I don't mean VMX specific funnies but funnies in general.

I come a cross a few from time to time. Sometimes I post in General but I don't want to overload the system or post to an inappropriate scetion.

(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/th_uss_montana.jpg) (http://s96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/?action=view&current=uss_montana.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on May 01, 2008, 07:44:10 PM
Like this?

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.  I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.  'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said.  'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass -  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pokey on May 01, 2008, 08:40:16 PM
Maybe a dedicated thread for funnies boys?




A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a Twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her Twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the Twinkie out for a bite.

?Careful.. you will get hair on your Twinkie," the barber playfully warns.

"Yes, I know," replies the girl. "And I'm getting boobs, too."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 02, 2008, 11:34:22 AM
----- Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4 am by the telephone.
'Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here.  Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!   I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground..  It is istimated the the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.!!!'

PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!'

Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from...  Brutain?...'
 
PM: 'No chence!!    The Poms will have a field day on thus one!'
Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia?'
 
PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten unches long and eight unches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blacks!!'   
 
Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes.   She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. With small writing on each one.........
 



'MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM'
 
 
Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie .... Oy Oy Oy     
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 02, 2008, 09:58:16 PM
Oh Dear  ;D

<embed width="448" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" src="http://i96.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/wife_s_school.flv">
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Quicksilver on May 05, 2008, 01:20:29 PM
Next time your having a bad day consider this.

Imagine if you if were a siamese twin. Your brother attached to your shoulder is gay, you're not. He has a date coming over tonight. You only have one arse!!  :o :o
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: YSS on May 05, 2008, 02:01:24 PM
Please keep us posted of the outcome . Thats one fine piece of R+D by the sounds . ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Freakshow on May 07, 2008, 07:46:01 PM
HOW TO SPEAK NEW ZEALANDER, FOR BIST EFICT, RID THESE OUT ALOUD!

Should help translating bill and Dj

Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Little crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Chully Bun - Esky
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on May 08, 2008, 06:18:19 PM
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
 
Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
 

One student,however, wrote the following:
 
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting Oh my God.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 12, 2008, 10:09:14 AM
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/th_DefectiveTreadmill.jpg) (http://s96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/?action=view&current=DefectiveTreadmill.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 12, 2008, 04:37:22 PM
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/th_dumbwebcamgirl.jpg) (http://s96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/?action=view&current=dumbwebcamgirl.flv)

Do not try this at home  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: YSS on May 12, 2008, 05:06:44 PM
10 out of 10 for that one . :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on May 12, 2008, 05:11:36 PM
HA!! but how did she explain it to Dad when he hauled the wardrobe of her?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 13, 2008, 10:34:11 AM
Some of this is corny and predictable. The last will have your eyes tearing for both reasons. ;) :D ;D.

(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/th_cielas.jpg) (http://s96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/?action=view&current=cielas.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 14, 2008, 08:31:36 AM
The Tiny Pianist


A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT0001611.gif)

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.

(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT0001922.gif)

It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT0002233.gif)

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT0002544.gif)

 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on May 15, 2008, 07:05:55 PM
This says it all:
 
I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied. 
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric...

 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on May 21, 2008, 05:14:43 PM
EXERCISES FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 (and VMXers of any age):
 
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 22, 2008, 01:55:29 PM
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/icon_lol.gif) Yeah Wombat, ya got me. I didn't see that coming.(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/icon_lol.gif)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on May 22, 2008, 10:28:20 PM
Some really classic lines in that last one. I hope I can remember them when an opportunity arises.
I think these two were Gold!

Your heart is only good for so many beats..........Want to live longer? Take a nap.

If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. :D ;D :D ;D   
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 23, 2008, 02:21:02 PM
Short and sweet - an Irish joke, just for a change  ;D.

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said; 'Paddy, will you draw your
bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'


'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because,' said Mick, 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'

'Silly buggers,' Paddy said, 'the laugh's on them. I wasn't even home yesterday.'
  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pokey on May 24, 2008, 12:58:35 AM
73  scamming rides on a mates green xr75 ... 81 seen me playing with a Z1100mk11  and angry is shorter than me and chrissie didnt wear knikkers  to her concerts :o
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on May 27, 2008, 12:12:10 PM
The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
 
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.
Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?
We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees

 
Eees a Ham Bush.
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 28, 2008, 06:54:41 PM
Wombat, ya just hamming it up now and telling porkies  ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on June 05, 2008, 06:25:09 PM
TOP TIPS:   

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.   

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. 

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply  place a few dog turds in the garbage bags along with your old bank statements.   

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.   

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and mail it to yourself via the Postal Service. You will never see it again.   

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs/Resumes into the garbage.   

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.   

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try mailing $50 to yourself.   

BLIND PEOPLE: At  least give yourself a chance of seeing something by not wearing those heavy dark glasses all the time.   

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms  frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their  way.   

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.   

DEPRESSED PEOPLE: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on anti- depressants, etc.   

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.   

SHOES: They will last twice as long if only worn every other day.   

SINGLE MEN: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside a woman's fashion  shop with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.   

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the  pan.   

McDONALD'S: Should make 'green' coloured take-away bags so they blend in with the countryside  after they've been thrown out of car windows.   

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit and you can use the saved energy to vacuum the house afterwards.           
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Quicksilver on June 07, 2008, 08:24:57 PM
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.



When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.

Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be forked if he needed glasses".
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 09, 2008, 05:26:02 PM
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/th_IRISHDUITEST.jpg) (http://s96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/?action=view&current=IRISHDUITEST.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on June 10, 2008, 06:52:26 PM
A precious little girl walks into a Pet Shop and asks:
"Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The Shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on his knees so he's on her level and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit - or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

The little girl blushes and rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers, " I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk..."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 16, 2008, 06:03:04 PM
The Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 16, 2008, 07:38:08 PM
A man owned a small farm. The Department of Labour and Industry claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board.
 
The cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board.
 
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
 
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.


'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 17, 2008, 01:35:14 PM
WOMEN AS EXPLAINED BY ENGINEERS   ;D

(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT000011.jpg)

(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT000022.jpg)

(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT000033.jpg)

(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT000044.jpg)

(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/ATT000055.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on June 17, 2008, 02:41:46 PM
Beans happen:

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. 
When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
 
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home.
So I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.   
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!'
 
 
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the  telephone rang. 
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
 
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. 
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.. 
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. 
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
 
The pleasure was indescribable.
When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. 
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long. 
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. 
 
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'  
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 18, 2008, 07:27:19 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfw4uGwKEiY&amp;feature=related

...for the Black Adder fans ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: firko on June 19, 2008, 10:58:14 PM

Tool Descriptions

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly- stained heirloom piece you were drying.

 WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh *..'

 ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. Most often the tool used by all women.

 BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

 If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

 WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

 15/16 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

 TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle

 TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel debris.

 E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

 RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

 TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health  benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark  than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to  strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

 FLAT-HEAD SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Often used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws

 AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Adelaide Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts

 PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

 POCKET KNIFE: Used to slice through the contents within cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as car seats, vinyl, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

 Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

 MICROMETER...A precision tool made for measuring objects in increments of one thousand of an inch. In emergency situations it can double as a 'C' clamp.

 CRESCENT WRENCH: Adjustable wrench used in place of proper tool.

 Generally rounds off bolts slower than pliers, but with same effect. Also used as hammering device, usually on concrete followed by loud cursing.


 


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 20, 2008, 02:25:59 PM
An oldie but so sooo true Firko  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 20, 2008, 02:38:00 PM
A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the Most
embarrassing moment in listener's lives. (Yeah, yeah, if you believe that I've got a nice new bridge I can sell you  ;D) The final four were:


4th Place (deserves better IMHO)

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons.

I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.'

After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity andwalked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter."

3rd Place

"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
for a romantic night alone.

As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'.

My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in myfamily has planned any surprise parties."

(That's a true story. I know, I rang it in ;D).

2nd Place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got
up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out
across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax
supersize.'

But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' , and replied in a business like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you belt in with a hammer.'


And the winner is . . ...

1st Place.

This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology
lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in
semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you
correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in
sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some
statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why
doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst
out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised
exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and
without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was
heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally
straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet
because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and
not in the back of your throat'.

Yeah, that deserves 1st place, it put me ROFL holding my sides.
 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pokey on June 22, 2008, 05:07:17 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Sofa King We Todd Did

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dz3whuYYxG0&feature=related
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on June 26, 2008, 02:37:32 PM
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the footpath.

Noticing this, a Policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 notes falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?'
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady.
"You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.
So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
Each time some guy sticks his willy through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop.
"OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."  
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 26, 2008, 02:50:14 PM
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)

Thats why Scrooge McDuck never had duckings isn't Micky  ;D.

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on June 27, 2008, 01:43:09 PM
HOW MANY F's
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
see below
try again there is 6.
yep, there is 6, your brain can't process the word of.
If you counted 6 first then you should not be on this website u r a genuis ;D


I guess I'm a Genius...well not really, I read it backwards and all the 'F' s stood out. Here's a bit of trivia...

Apparently we are so 'programmed' to scanning a page from left to right that we easily skip over things; such as the 'F's. We tend to look for lost items (tiny screws/circlips) on the ground in a similar manner.
The theory is that our eyes skim over these things from left to right, but if you scan from right to left you'll notice your eyes stop when they pick something out of place.

It works for me...
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on July 01, 2008, 02:58:37 PM
I loved that last post - I don't often laugh out loud when reading!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pokey on July 01, 2008, 10:06:11 PM
(http://www.boners.com/content/805658.1.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Tim754 on July 05, 2008, 01:21:28 AM
Grab the pig!! seen the price of pork lately!!!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Tim754 on July 05, 2008, 11:32:07 PM
No we used to poor petrol over the tyres and road too. Adds that touch of glamour to the run of the mill burn out. :D Cheers Tim  Best one I remember was a bloke on a Z900 doing a burnout with flames on a steel building frame girder!! 4 stories up!!!!!!! with his girlfriend on back................ :o
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Tim754 on July 06, 2008, 08:05:53 PM
And didn't your feet get bloody hot! Don't try it in an old bath tub, the poxy old crap were made out of cast iron and those little cast leg things hook up in pot holes then the whole shebang shatters like glass .............. not that I know from dumb teenage experience ;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 07, 2008, 08:14:42 AM
 AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
 
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
 
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
 
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE  A TIMER.
 
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
 
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH
 
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
 
 
7. IF YOU CAN 'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
 
 
 
DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on July 07, 2008, 11:16:22 AM
WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?  TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 07, 2008, 11:38:35 AM
WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?  TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE.

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'


(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/icon_lol.gif)

To compensate, well we did invent motorcycles and MX ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Quicksilver on July 08, 2008, 01:03:43 PM





 

 

KEVIN RUDD was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. RUDD if he would like to lead the discussion on the

word 'tragedy'.

 So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

1 little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,

is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would

be a 'tragedy.'

No,' said RUDD' that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children

drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'

'I'm afraid not,' explained MR. RUDD' that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.  RUDD searched the

room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mrs. RUDD was struck

by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a

tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed RUDD. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that

would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly

wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a forking accident

either!'
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 08, 2008, 06:46:55 PM
 

KEVIN RUDD was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. RUDD if he would like to lead the discussion on the

word 'tragedy'.

 So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

1 little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,

is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would

be a 'tragedy.'

No,' said RUDD' that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children

drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a 'tragedy'

'I'm afraid not,' explained MR. RUDD' that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.  RUDD searched the

room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mrs. RUDD was struck

by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a

tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed RUDD. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that

would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly

wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a forking accident

either!'
 

Gee, the honeymoon must be over. ::) :(
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Quicksilver on July 08, 2008, 07:12:00 PM
Gee, the honeymoon must be over.

Never was one as far as I was concerned. ;D Never voted for the sorry saying piss ant little lip licker.  :P
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Tim754 on July 08, 2008, 07:41:55 PM
Which one??????????????????????????? covers a bloody lot of the pollies. Lowest paid workers today get another $21.66 a week in their pay from October. Today also the head bureaucrats  get a pay rise of    $1427.70 a week start now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The pollies will have one (with back pay of course ) in the  near future and it wont be no pissy $21.66.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 09, 2008, 05:01:33 AM
Two bored casino workers were waiting at the crap table. A very attractive
blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll
of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I
play topless.' With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice, and
yelled, 'Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!'

As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and
squealed 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers...
and then picked up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'

Moral of the story:

1. Not all Southerners are stupid.
2. Not all blondes are dumb.
3. But all men... are men. ::) ;) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on July 09, 2008, 07:14:06 PM
A bloke was on his way down to the pub for a couple of cold  beers after a big day at work.

As he was walking to the pub, he took a detour along the train tracks where he seen this sweet young naked woman tied to the railway tracks. He quickly run over to her, untied her and they then proceeded to make mad passionate love.

After he was finished, off he went to the pub to have his beer.

He couldnt hold back his excitements and started telling his best mate the story, walking down to the pub, found the good looking chick, made passionate love blah blah.

His mate just couldnt believe it and said thats awesome, did she give you a blo job, to which he replied, "nah couldnt find her head" ::)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on July 09, 2008, 07:51:45 PM
A bloke was on his way down to the pub for a couple of cold  beers after a big day at work.

As he was walking to the pub, he took a detour along the train tracks where he seen this sweet young naked woman tied to the railway tracks. He quickly run over to her, untied her and they then proceeded to make mad passionate love.

After he was finished, off he went to the pub to have his beer.

He couldnt hold back his excitements and started telling his best mate the story, walking down to the pub, found the good looking chick, made passionate love blah blah.

His mate just couldnt believe it and said thats awesome, did she give you a blo job, to which he replied, "nah couldnt find her head" ::)

HA!! If my boy ever asks me to explain 'black humour', I'll show him this joke.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Tim754 on July 09, 2008, 09:25:56 PM
I gave my wife one of those T shirts .It tasted awful............. :-[
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pokey on July 09, 2008, 09:30:44 PM
So THATS why my girl wont say yes?

 She doesnt Wash or Iron  ;D

 Seems a a petty reason to knock back an obligatory Tee shirt if ya ask me .
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on July 09, 2008, 09:45:08 PM
Wrong colour t-shirt...all kitchen appliances are white.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 10, 2008, 11:08:43 AM
Wrong colour t-shirt...all kitchen appliances are white.
:D :D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 10, 2008, 07:34:11 PM
Two Gang prospects get pulled over by a hiway cop
 Cop walks up to the drivers window reaches in Bitch slaps the prospect and says " boy you better have your licence ready when i come back ".
Cop then walks round to the passenger window reaches in and slaps the passenger .
2nd prospect says "what the fork was that for '
Cop replys "Boy im just making your wish come true" Prospect looks puzzled  ???


Cop says "i know as soon as im gone your gonna say i wish that forker had tried that with me " ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on July 10, 2008, 07:45:43 PM
This blokes riding his bike and has a really bad accident

They go through all his personal belongings to try and identify him and ring his wife to come up to the hospital

Up she comes and runs into the triage nurse screaming 'wheres the doctor, wheres the doctor,my husband, hes been in a terrible accident

Out comes the doctor and says' we have good news and bad news but you best come along with me,

The doctor takes the wife to the emergency dept and says' your husband is behind this curtain,but be prepared for a shock,

He pulls back the curtain and heres two eyeballs, yes thats right 2 eyeballs laying on a pillow, the wife goes oh my god is that my husband, the doctor goes yes.

The wife says to the doctor, so whats the good news, the doctor says your husband is still alive

The wife then says whats the bad news

The doctor says "hes blind" ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 10, 2008, 11:09:23 PM
Adam comes home from pissed , climbs into bed kisses the missus and goes to sleep. He wakes to find an old bloke in a white robe in front of him .
 "get out of my house' he says to the bloke. The bloke replys "its not your house im St peter youv'e died and are in heaven "
What says Adam ' I cant be dead im to young to die  send me back "
Not that easy says St Peter , you can go back but not in your previous form. You can go back as a Dog or a Hen, Adam thinks about it decides a dogs to much like hard work , so he will go back as a Hen.
St pete says very well and in a flash Adams in a farm yard pecking corn . This aint to bad thinks Adam , nice set of feathers plenty of corn its all good exept for this sore guts.
Along comes a Rooster "you must be the new hen " he says "st peter said you were coming, how are you settling in "
Good says Adam "exept for this sore guts .
Your Egg bound says the Rooster you need to lay a coulpe of eggs
Adam squeezes for all hes worth and sure enough out pops an egg , Another good shove and another egg .

Adams busy laying a third egg when he hears his wife screaming




For fecks sake wake up Adam your shitting all over the bed  :-[
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on July 10, 2008, 11:45:05 PM
 :D good one bill, you can just picture that one :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on July 11, 2008, 12:32:51 AM
I'm wondering if Bill has changed the name of the lead character...hey, we've all been really drunk!! ;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 11, 2008, 08:33:11 AM
why do Arabs have oil and the Irish potatoes ?






The Irish had first choice  :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 11, 2008, 08:36:02 AM
whats the difference between a magicians wand and a Coppers baton ?


The Magicians wand is for cunning stunts  :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 11, 2008, 08:37:28 AM
Whats the difference between a bucket of shit and a polititician ?

The Bucket  :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: YSS on July 11, 2008, 08:42:02 AM
whats the difference between a magicians wand and a Coppers baton ?


The Magicians wand is for cunning stunts  :)

Bill , thats a cracker , I am trying to remember it , but keep getting it wrong . What the hell .
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 11, 2008, 08:53:07 AM
Why do Blondes drive convertibles ?


More leg room  :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 11, 2008, 08:59:19 AM
Whats the difference between a Blonde and the Panama canal




Ones a busy ditch :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 11, 2008, 09:04:58 AM
Eddie Mcguire ask the bloke on millionaire the $32,000 question
Spell clitoris ?
The bloke thinks for a while then says
"this is stupid i had it on the tip of my tongue this morning" :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 11, 2008, 09:09:10 AM
Polititians are like nappies , they should be changed often and for the same reason  :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 11, 2008, 09:12:31 AM
Definition of bravery , coming home late, pissed, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaping the wife on the arse and saying
"your next fatty"  :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 11, 2008, 09:39:26 AM
Before going to Europe on business a man drove his rolls royce to a new york city bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5000.00.
the loan officer, taken aback requested collateral.
Heres the keys to my rolls royce the man says . the loan officer promptly had the car driven to the banks underground carpark for safe keeping, and gave the man $5000.00
Two weeks later the man returned to the bank to settle the loan.
That will be $5000.00 for the principal and $15.40 in interest said the loan officer.
The man paid collected his keys and started to walk away .
Wait sir said the loan officer while you were away i did a credit check on you and found out that you are a Billionaire . why in the world would you need to borrow $5000.00 ?

The man smileed and said where else could i park my car in Manhatten for two weeks and pay only $15.40 /?   :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on July 14, 2008, 01:22:18 AM
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your girlfriend?

A: About 20 kilos...
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 17, 2008, 06:35:43 PM
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard
from a distant corner..
'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

 ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: YSS on July 18, 2008, 03:46:35 PM
Allison , I imagined your legs to look a bit different  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on July 18, 2008, 06:35:33 PM
steven found it on a carby website hunt

What interesting tattoos would we find on a 'radiator' web hunt? ::) :-\
Tatts are a very personal thing - but a carby?! :o ???  
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on July 18, 2008, 09:54:44 PM
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. 
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at  the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim.
Two Molson Canadian beers please'.

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John.
'We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.
 
'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...' 
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?
And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.' 
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.
 
 'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'  
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 21, 2008, 10:55:40 AM
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)

I think you forgot to mention 'clouded judgement' and rampant ego.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 21, 2008, 10:57:11 AM
To be topical ;D

Just arrived in Sydney and after getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!'


And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets
his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal
until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'


...


...


...


...


...


Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Quicksilver on July 25, 2008, 04:01:45 PM


A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on July 25, 2008, 04:37:56 PM
An Aussie, Kiwi & South African are sitting around having a few shots of whisky.

They have a skull down out of the shot glasses and all of a sudden, the South African pulls out a pistol, throws his glass in the air and shoots it to smithereens then yells out, in South Africa, we have so many diamonds to pay for the glasses we dont have to drink from the same one twice.

They have another skull down out of the shot glasses and all of a sudden, the Kiwi pulls out a pistol, throws his glass in the air and shoots it to smithereens then yells out, in EnZud we have so many sheep to sell to pay for the glasses we dont have to drink from the same one twice.

They have another skull down out of the shot glasses and all of a sudden, the Aussie pulls out a pistol, throws his glass in the air and shoots the Kiwi and the South African dead then yells out, in Australia, we have so many Kiwis and South Africans we dont have to drink with the same one twice. :D



Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on July 26, 2008, 11:46:08 PM
the seven Dwarfs got to the Vatican,& because they're ARE the seven Dwarfs they're immediatly ushered in to see the Pope

Grumpy leads the group

Grumpy my son ,"how can i help you"

Grumpy asked,"your excellency,are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

the pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,thinks for a moment &  answers,"no grumpy,there are no dwarf nuns in Rome"

in the backgroung a few of the dwarfs start giggling

Grumpy turns around & glares, silencing them

Grumpy turns back,"your Worship,are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

the Pope puzzled now,again thinks for a moment & answers,"no Grumpy,there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe"

this time all of the dwarfs burst out laughing

once again Grumpy turns around & silences them with a angry glare

Mr Pope,"are there ANY dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world"

the Pope really confused by these questions says,'i'm sorry my son there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world"

the other dwarfs collapse in a heap,rolling & laughing,pounding the floor,tears rolling down their cheeks,as they begin chanting



Grumpy screwed a penquin"

"Grumpy screwed a penquin"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 27, 2008, 08:53:16 AM
'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

Not wanting to go to Iraq?!! I'd say he had no balls at all ;D ::) ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 30, 2008, 07:12:07 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/BearWarningPosted.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on July 31, 2008, 04:16:17 PM
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.  As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with The devil...
Satan: 'Why so glum?'
Guy: 'What do you think?  I'm in hell!'
Satan: 'Hell's not so bad.  We actually have a lot of Fun down here.
You a drinking man?' 
Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.  On Mondays, that's all we do is drink.  Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more!  And You don't have to worry about getting a hangover, Because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: 'You a smoker?'
Guy: 'You better believe it'
Satan: 'All right!  You're gonna love Tuesdays.  We Get the finest cigars from all over the world, and Smoke our lungs out.  If you get cancer - no biggie, You're already dead, remember?'
Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'
Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you Want.  Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, Whatever.  If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, You're dead anyhow.'
Guy: 'Cool!'
Satan: 'What about drugs?'
Guy: 'Are you kidding?  Love drugs!  You don't Mean...?'
Satan: 'That's right!  Thursday is drug day.  Help Yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack.  Smoke A doobie the size of a submarine.
You can do all the Drugs you want.  You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: 'Wow!  I never realized Hell was such a cool Place!'
Satan: 'You gay?'
Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough...'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 01, 2008, 05:22:25 PM
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up
to the pharmacist, looked him straight in the eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes widened in horror and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.  That's against the law!  I'll lose my license! They'll throw us both in jail!  All kinds of bad things will happen.  Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'  ;D ;D ;D ;D
 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 01, 2008, 06:00:12 PM
There's some mystical connection between Harleys and stupidity :o ::) ;D.

Something that makes this just sooo believable ;D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsSTwuOKRKI&feature=related
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on August 09, 2008, 08:09:45 AM
 Plenty of truth in those eleven gems!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 12, 2008, 06:41:35 PM
Politicallt incorrect but funny,

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ea0b05d406
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: dkupf on August 13, 2008, 07:00:55 PM

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.  'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off.'  You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre.
 
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
 
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
 
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet!   
She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
 
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.   
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!  The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere.   
On him, the walls, etc.
 
'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !'
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on August 13, 2008, 09:35:44 PM
Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?'

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a sma ll world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going?'

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
'The Murphy twins are drunk again.' 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on August 14, 2008, 12:23:21 PM
The wrong answer:

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed..

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
fork ....
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 18, 2008, 10:45:03 AM
Things you always wanted to know about life but were too disinterested to ask ??? ::) :P :D ;D

1/ If  you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced  enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 
(Hardly  seems worth it.)

2/If  you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is  produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. 
(Now  that's more like it! Now if I could find away to harness this power to a VMXer.....hmmmm)

3/ The  human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to  squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!) 

4/ A  pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. 
(In  my next life, I want to be a pig.) 

5/ A  cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to  death. (Creepy.) 
(I'm  still not over the pig.) 

6/ Banging  your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour 
(Don't  try this at home,  maybe  at work)

7/ The  male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its  body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. 
(Honey,  I'm home. What the. ..?!)

8/ The  flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the  length of a football field. (Yeah, but how far can a flea jump a VMXer)

9/ The  catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. 
(What  could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) 

10/ Some  lions mate over 50 times a day. 
(I  still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity

11/ Butterflies  taste with their feet. 
(30  minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)   

12/ The  strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......next time I can't get a rusted boly to move I'll know what to try next ::)) 

13/Right-handed  people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed  people. 
(yeah team!!! ;)) 

14/Elephants  are the only animals that cannot jump. 
(Okay,  so that would be a good thing - are BMW's elephants? ;D) 

15/ A  cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I  wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

16/ An  ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
I know some people like that.) 

17/ Starfish  have no brains 
(I  know some people like that too.)   

18/Polar  bears are left-handed.
(If  they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

19/ Humans  and dolphins are the only species that have sex for  pleasure. 
(What  about that pig??)
   
Now  that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this  to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe  even a  chuckle. 

In  other words, send it to everyone  !      (and  God love that  pig!)

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on August 18, 2008, 04:21:54 PM
7/ The  male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its  body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. 
(Honey,  I'm home. What the. ..?!)
Hmmm; these may be true, I don't know - but I don't believe this one!  
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Quicksilver on August 21, 2008, 03:22:56 PM
How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47.. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: paul on August 21, 2008, 03:38:44 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYp_Xi4AtAQ
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on August 21, 2008, 08:38:53 PM
I think he told her the joke about humping the sister or something ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 28, 2008, 07:23:40 AM
Wally's Wedding Night
 
At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.   

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.
Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it.....

Wally is back again, rapping on the  door,   and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action. And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,

'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'   

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: ......'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Senior moments have advantages.  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on August 28, 2008, 10:15:31 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYp_Xi4AtAQ
Yep, there's some great stuff on You Tube; but you'll notice the head was devoured AFTER the rooting - not before.
A hickey gone wrong?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 29, 2008, 08:18:11 AM
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

         40-ish                                       -       49
         Adventurous                              -       Slept with everyone
         Athletic                                     -       No t*ts
         Average looking                         -       Ugly
         Beautiful                                    -       Pathological liar
         Contagious Smile                       -       Does a lot of pills
         Emotionally secure                    -       On medication
         Feminist                                    -       Fat
         Free spirit                                  -       Junkie
         Friendship first                           -       Former very *friendly* person
         Fun                                           -       Annoying
         New Age                                   -       Body hair in the wrong places
         Open-minded                             -       Desperate
         Outgoing                                   -       Loud and Embarrassing
         Passionate                                -       Sloppy drunk
         Professional                              -       Bitch
         Voluptuous                                -       Very Fat
         Large frame                               -       Hugely Fat
         Wants Soul mate                       -       Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

         1. Yes                                                         =       No
         2. No                                                          =       Yes
         3. Maybe                                                     =       No
         4. We need                                                 =       I want
         5. I am sorry                                                =       you'll be sorry
         6. We need to talk                                       =       you're in trouble
         7. Sure, go ahead                                        =       you better not
         8. Do what you want                                     =       you will pay for this later
         9. I am not upset                                          =       of course I am upset, you moron!
       10. You're very attentive tonight                       =       is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

         1. I am hungry                                                   =       I am hungry
         2. I am sleepy                                                    =       I am sleepy
         3. I am tired                                                       =       I am tired
         4. Nice dress                                                     =       Nice cleavage!
         5. I love you                                                       =       let's have sex now
         6. I am bored                                                     =       Do you want to have sex?
         7. May I have this dance?                                   =       I'd like to have sex with you
         8. Can I call you sometime?                                =       I'd like to have sex with you
         9. Do you want to go to a movie?                         =       I'd like to have sex with you
         10. Can I take you out to dinner?                         =       I'd like to have sex with you
         11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit               =       I'm gay
 

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 29, 2008, 09:55:12 AM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_Farmers3Daughters.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=Farmers3Daughters.flv) :) ;) :D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 01, 2008, 07:41:00 AM
A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.   
 
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis,
something she had lovingly done on many occasions.   
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her,
 
'Why do you love doing that?'     
She replies:
'Because I really miss mine'.
 
 ;D :D ;) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 01, 2008, 08:43:14 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/pdf.gif)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 02, 2008, 07:53:27 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image01515151515151515.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 02, 2008, 08:23:10 PM
A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a coffee shop one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows. The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.' The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.' The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.' And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!' The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Lozza on September 03, 2008, 07:03:11 PM
Think your a good rider???????????????

Well you aint this good

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=fjGfv2AeUss
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 03, 2008, 10:15:25 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image0055555555.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 03, 2008, 10:17:03 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image01717171717171717.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pokey on September 11, 2008, 09:35:43 PM
There is currently a scam going around a few Bunnings stores.


 Here's how it works:

 Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car
as you're packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your
windscreen with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts; it is impossible not to look. When you thank them and
offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another
Bunnings; you agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start
having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat
and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had
my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,20th,
three times on Sunday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. PLEASE
BEWARE!!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on September 13, 2008, 12:55:17 PM
Sounds like a dream i had. I woke up ship wrecked..... broken mast and sea men everywhere !
Er, which Bunnings ????
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on September 13, 2008, 01:00:40 PM
There's a Bunnings 100 metres from where I work.
I'm hanging out for payday so's I can buy a bag full of wallets! ;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 18, 2008, 01:25:11 PM
Sumtink put put a smile on ya dial ;D

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_animals.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=animals.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 22, 2008, 07:25:10 PM
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: GMC on September 25, 2008, 08:54:29 AM
Enough of the jokes, what about a "feel good story"  It's amazing how an elephant can remember things.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.  As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.  The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son.  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.  He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.  The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.   ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 25, 2008, 05:15:44 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_911.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=911.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 26, 2008, 01:50:12 PM
John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. This took an awful lot of time, so John got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the sound of the bells.

John's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all morning. Curious, John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing, but Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up to a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud, he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded Brewster the No Bell Prize but also The Pullet Surprise.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 26, 2008, 01:51:56 PM
A blonde pushes her Maico into the bike shop. She tells the mechanic, "It won't start."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it starts and is idling smoothly.

She says, "Well?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on September 26, 2008, 04:37:56 PM
WOMAN'S DIARY
28 July 2007 Saturday
 

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.
I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we
made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 28 July

Australia lost the cricket.

Gutted.

Got a root though.  
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 26, 2008, 06:57:40 PM
True Tale - a Brisvagas Cabbie's tale

One rainy night in Spring Hill, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

" Milton Road ", answered the woman.

"OK", he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"

"Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat,smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" :o ::) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on September 26, 2008, 08:38:18 PM
True Tale - a Brisvagas Cabbie's tale

One rainy night in Spring Hill, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

" Milton Road ", answered the woman.

"OK", he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"

"Well ma'am", replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat,smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" :o ::) ;D
Our girls are nice - she'd have to be a Tourist.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: caps 999 on September 26, 2008, 08:47:14 PM
husband and wife on 10th annversary wife strips for husband and says "what were you thinking when i first stripped for you 10 years ago"
husband replied "i was thinking i wanted to fork your brains out and suck your tits dry"
wife replies "what are you thinking now"
husband says "looks like i did a pretty good job"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on September 26, 2008, 08:50:07 PM
husband and wife on 10th annversary wife strips for husband and says "what were you thinking when i first stripped for you 10 years ago"
husband replied "i was thinking i wanted to fork your brains out and suck your tits dry"
wife replies "what are you thinking now"
husband says "looks like i did a pretty good job"
Champagne comedy - top shelf there Caps! (in a totally sexist blokey sort of way).
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: caps 999 on September 26, 2008, 08:58:44 PM
haha i thought that one would knock a bell
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: caps 999 on September 26, 2008, 09:04:37 PM
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the forking pots!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: caps 999 on September 26, 2008, 09:04:53 PM
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 28, 2008, 06:29:48 AM
(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)(http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l187/mx250a/image001.gif)Yeah, I can identify with that ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on October 09, 2008, 10:59:01 AM
SOMETHING HERE TO UPSET EVERYONE...  

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'  

Wife say's to husband, 'Doctor says I have the tits and a*s of an 18 year old'
Husband says 'What about your 40 year old c*nt?'
Wife says ' We didn’t mention you'!

My ex wife asked what reincarnation is. 
I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'Your not f*cking listening'!

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. 
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f*ck's off.  

Today an Abo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.
Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today.
Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the Mosque.  

A female Al-Queda terrorist was found dead today in her bathroom.
Police believe she got her anthrax mixed up with her tampax and blew up the wrong c*nt.

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says
'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

Young woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me an epidural.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f*cker'.
He replied casually,  'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ar*e but you said,
'F*ck off it'll be too painful',
Now who's laughing'?
 
 
 
 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 09, 2008, 11:53:12 AM
Wombie, that is the most disgusting collection of politically incorrect jokes I have ever seen.....

.....but funny ;D. ;D ;D ;D ::) :P

Here's another.

A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage,
 
"Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage answers, "Yes."

The robber promptly shoots him in the head.

He then asks the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did."  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on October 09, 2008, 12:42:38 PM
Wombie, that is the most disgusting collection of politically incorrect jokes I have ever seen.....

Yeah, I nearly deleted the racial ones but I didn't wish to discriminate...  
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: YZ250H on October 09, 2008, 06:54:49 PM
 

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**
**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**

**Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

**'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? .**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

 

 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 09, 2008, 07:35:20 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_unnamed.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=unnamed.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 10, 2008, 12:46:44 PM
Skinny Dipping.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years and
had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he
fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple
and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or even make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast. . . ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hoony on October 11, 2008, 10:17:03 AM
There's an effort to elect an unknown random person as President... and it's someone we know! Watch this online video about the surprising new nominee:

http://www.tsgnet.com/pres.php?id=46832&altf=Nbhpp&altl=
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 11, 2008, 01:31:44 PM
There's an effort to elect an unknown random person as President... and it's someone we know! Watch this online video about the surprising new nominee:

http://www.tsgnet.com/pres.php?id=46832&altf=Nbhpp&altl=

What's he manifesto? No child shall be without a VMX! All towns shall have a VMX friendly MX track! Big End and Piston Kits for CR500's are to be considered essential to the National Interest and all National Resources shall be mobilised to ensure their ongoing supply! All VMX resto costs and all VMX racing costs are to be 100% tax write offs. It shall be obligatory for all VMX race organisers to provide free beer and BBQ at the end of each race meeting ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on October 18, 2008, 08:21:15 AM
Help me with the dishes.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Bruised on October 18, 2008, 03:54:50 PM

Woman whispering .....

Fine:
This is the word they use at the end of any argument  that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up.  NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks.  This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even  trade.
 
Nothing:
This means something, and you should be on your toes.  "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
 
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
 
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you  want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few  minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a  verbal statement very misunderstood by men.  A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over  "Nothing".
 
Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft  Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
 
Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble.  Example; "Oh, let me get that".  Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.  She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.  "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie.  Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
 
That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.  “That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for  doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you’re welcome.

Thanks A Lot:
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you “Nothing".
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on October 27, 2008, 06:45:17 PM
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. 

Up to that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 28, 2008, 08:23:34 AM
A man and his wife were celebrating together for 50 years. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.

'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.'

'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today.'

Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad.. I just flew in from Sydney between cases and didn't have time to shop for you.'

'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.'

Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me overseas and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.'

After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'

The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?'

'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too.'  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 28, 2008, 08:25:35 AM
I tried a Viagra....



....... it got caught in my throat and I have had a stiff neck all day!! :D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on October 31, 2008, 08:19:08 PM
I can't locate that thread where we posted odd pictures and graphics so here's where I'll put it...
I took this photo of a spectator at the Gold Coast dirt track event two weeks ago:
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on October 31, 2008, 09:51:18 PM
Wombat,
Hope there was no Bin laden fans at the  event. ;) ;D
Can't really imagine there would be.

The silly photos and graphics page you are after is in General Discussion on page 2.
cheers
Alison
hey check out the amount of posts on OZVMX forum,,(main page at the bottom ) someone is going to be number 444444 ........cool,wonder if they will win a stubbie holder from VMX mag  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on November 03, 2008, 04:29:17 PM
This  is enough to make you think twice about fishing!
 
 
 
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the
day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that shit?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped
fishing
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Tim754 on November 03, 2008, 07:11:30 PM
A suicide bomber bursts through the doors of a pet shop and screams " you all got 30 seconds to get out!" little tortoise at rear of the shop screams back " YOU C**T"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: caps 999 on November 04, 2008, 08:48:01 PM
There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: caps 999 on November 04, 2008, 08:49:43 PM
This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: caps 999 on November 04, 2008, 08:52:27 PM
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
"I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
"Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
"What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
"I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Tim754 on November 09, 2008, 07:39:36 PM
I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on November 13, 2008, 08:20:34 PM
Dishwasher and sandwich maker sale!
Crazy prices! Everything must go!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: cyclegod on November 13, 2008, 08:37:26 PM
Anyone got a light..
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on November 13, 2008, 09:16:38 PM
Wombat,that would have to be the bestest worstest sexist pic I have ever seen  :o
you'd even have a bike polisher in that lot   ;)   ;D
Alison
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: cyclegod on November 13, 2008, 09:26:26 PM
Ever been this drunk?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on November 14, 2008, 08:57:17 PM
Little 4 year old Johnie is playing with his testicles in the bath and asks
"Mum are these my brains in here"
Mum replies "Not yet Son"   :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 14, 2008, 09:10:38 PM
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that  I should fix it.  But somehow I always had something else to take care of first - the ute, the car, the bikes. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home  one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Should be fine to ride VMX though ::) 8) ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on November 15, 2008, 11:43:32 AM
a teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students,"Human beings are the only animals that stutter",she says

a little girls raises her hand,"i had a kitty-cat who stuttered" she volunteered,

the teacher,knowing how precious some of these stories could become,asked the girl to describe the incident,

Well,she began ,I was in the backyard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start & before we knew it,he jumped over the fence into our yard,

"that must have been scary,"said the teacher,

"It sure was",said the little girl,my kitty raised his back,went Fffff Fffff Ffffff,and before he could say fork,the Rottweiler ate  him!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pokey on November 17, 2008, 08:38:54 PM
(http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c274/pokeit1st/mummy.jpg)










Mummy Works at Bunnings and sells shovels
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on November 18, 2008, 06:11:19 PM
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"The woman did not hesitate.
 
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.It will bring about world peace and harmony."The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.
 
"The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic,likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
www.vmxshotz.com



 

 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 18, 2008, 11:49:32 PM
 
"The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic,likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

I don't get it. I know 100's of guys who meet the specs, starting with me ;) ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 19, 2008, 05:49:57 PM
sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

I don't get it. I know 100's of guys who meet the specs, starting with me ;) ;D.
[/quote]   


Quote from: vmx247 on November 18, 2008, 04:13:40 PM
 
Love thy neighbor. Cool
I do, but she won't love me back
 SOMETHING JUST DON"T ADD UP  MX250  ;)
[/quote]

You're preplexed!!!! Well that makes two of us ;) :). I think they call it 'women's logic'  ::);D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on November 22, 2008, 03:53:03 PM
Yep, I expect to see that sort of thing whenever I watch these blokes.
Who here would've tried this 'free style' stuff if it was happenin' back in the day... I don't think I would. :o ::)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Tim754 on November 23, 2008, 08:26:28 PM
The truth of failure can be written in words too. Take for instance, when you lean over to peer at what wisdom is written on the toilet floor and it states, "if you can read this you have just shit on your ankles and undies...."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 28, 2008, 08:07:42 AM
A guy is driving around the back of some woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the garden. The guy goes into the garden and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Labrador replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.  In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.  I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar - he never did any of that stuff."  ;) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: caps 999 on November 28, 2008, 02:48:55 PM
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on November 29, 2008, 08:38:48 AM

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
 
Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 01P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 09 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
 
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'


This has been voted Women's Favorite E-mail of the Year!

If you agree, send it to all your friends who would enjoy this!!!!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 01, 2008, 01:09:04 PM
In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama's appearance on CBS' "Sixty Minutes" on Sunday witnessed the president-elect's unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth. But Mr. Obama's decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring. According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota , some Americans might find it "alienating" to have a President who speaks English as if it were his first language. "Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement," says Mr. Logsdon.  "If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist." The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, "Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate - we get it, stop showing off."

The President-elect's stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska . "Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can't really do there, I think needing to do that isn't tapping into what Americans are needing also," she said.

 ;D ;) :D :) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on December 01, 2008, 08:43:31 PM
A duck walks into a Hotel, waddles up to the Bar and jumps onto the bar stool.
"Good morning, I'm a duck. Do you have any bread?" he says to the Barman.
Barman looks at the duck and says, "No Mate, this is a Pub. I don't have any bread".
Duck looks disappointed, hops off the stool and waddles back out.

Two minutes later the duck re-enters the Bar, hops onto the barstool and looks at the Barman.
"Hi, I'm a duck. Do you have any bread?"
The Barman stares at the duck...
"Mate, I've told you once already. This is a pub. I don't have any bread. Now piss off!"
Duck looks glum. He hops off the stool and heads back out the doors.

After two minutes the duck waddles in again, up to the bar with the same question.
"I'm a Duck. Can I have some bread?"
"Mate, I've had a gutful!" says the Barman.
"I've told you I don't have any bread. If you ask me one more time I'll nail ya f#ckin' beak to the bar - now PISS OFF!!"
Duck ponders this; looks disappointed.
He hops off the stool and leaves the Hotel.

A few seconds later he returns and he's up on the barstool eye to eye with the Barman.
"Hi, I'm a duck. Do you have any nails?" he asks the Barman.
"NO, it's a Pub! I don't have any f#ckin' nails!" says the visibly shaking Barman.

"Cool; do you have any bread?"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 04, 2008, 12:23:39 PM
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Tim754 on December 05, 2008, 03:05:39 PM
 Two line love poems to add sparkle to your black eyes.

        My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
       Marrying you screwed up my life.


           I see your face when I am dreaming.
           That's why I always wake up screaming.


           Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
           This describes everything you are not.


           Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
           But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.


           I thought that I could love no other --
           That is until I met your poofta brother.


           Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
            But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
         


           I want to feel your sweet embrace;
           But don't take that paper bag off your face.


           I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
           Damn, I'm so good at telling forking  lies!


           My love, you honestly take my breath away.
           What shit have you stepped in to smell that way?


           My feelings for you no words can tell,
           Except for maybe "Go to bloody hell."


           What inspired this amorous rhyme?
           Two parts vodka, one part lime.

     

*
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 08, 2008, 09:16:24 AM
NPL* Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

(*Narellan Pub Laboratories, a non government full independant and opinionated public spirited charity  sponored by Jim Beam and others ;) ;D.)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: YZ250H on December 09, 2008, 10:06:29 PM
Or a Virgin  :D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 11, 2008, 02:14:25 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/ATT018031111.jpg)

Just in case you weren't feeling "too" old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who started university this year across the nation were born in 1989.


Star Wars is older than them.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

They have always had an answering machine

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They have always had CD's, never records.

Ray Martin has been on Channel 9 their entire life.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even was. 

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Do you feel old yet? (Sorry) Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading. ;D ;) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 11, 2008, 03:16:13 PM
Yep loved the larger type/font  8)  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 12, 2008, 06:41:32 AM
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns


Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work
leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't
driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the
car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.


When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom
with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the
neighbours' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I
confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an
affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his
Job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly
depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the
ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm
afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

-------------------------------


Dear Sheila:


A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on
the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these
approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.


Walter.  

--------------------------------------------

I don't get it but someone seems to think that its a good joke. It seems a perfectly good answer if you ask me.
 ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on December 13, 2008, 02:15:30 PM
a bloke fronted up to the bar in the local pub ,pulled out of his pocket a 6" high piano ,then a pet rat. he said to the bar manager "if this rat can play the piano will you give me a free beer? "sure" said the bar man with a disbelieving smerk. so the rat sets to and starts into rachmaninof with amazing talent. the bar man gave him his beer. .he finished his beer and pulled a frog from another pocket and said "if this frog can sing ok will you shout me drinks for the rest of the day? "ok" he said, with that the frog bursts into song with a voice that would rival pavorotti!... every one is astounded!... a fellow in an amani suit comes over and offers him $1000 for the frog "no thanks" he says, the offer keeps going up till it gets to $500000, the bloke gives in and says "ok".the amani man pays up in 1/2 an hour and goes off with the frog. the bar man said "you"re nuts... you could have made millions with that frog" the bloke said.. "not really the rat is a ventriloquist"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on December 13, 2008, 02:41:40 PM
A bloke enters a building site and approaches the Foreman saying, "Mate, I'm here about the handyman job you posted on the fence".
Foreman looks pleased, points at the Brickies and says, "Bewdy, we need a handyman real bad so you can start straight away - the Brickies are out of mortar, go throw a batch into the mixer".

New fella says, "I'm not real good with a shovel...".

Foreman says, "No worries, go help the Painter undercoat those new doors".
New fella says, "Painting! Mate, I'm not real flash with a paint brush either...".

Foreman has a good look at this bloke, thinks a bit and says, "Bugger, how's about you grab that hammer and knock down that old stud wall".
New fella laughing says, "Yeah I dunno... I'm not too co-ordinated when it comes to swingin' a hammer...".

The Foreman looks at the new fella, draws a big breath and says:
"Mate, ya can't operate a shovel, ya can't hold a paint brush and a hammer gives ya problems?!".
"What the f*ck makes you a handyman?".

New fella pointing says," I'm real handy - I live over there in that house on the corner".     
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 15, 2008, 07:52:32 AM
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose, where they
managed to bag six of the mighty beasts.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take
only four of the moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we also shot six, and the pilot
let us take them all. He had the exact same plane as yours!"

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded on to the plane.

Once airborne, however, the little plane couldn't handle the heavy load,
and it went down into a snow covered valley.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last
year.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 15, 2008, 11:06:16 AM
Those with failing eye sight might like to use the following chart to check their eyes.....

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/eyes.jpg)

How ya go? ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hoony on December 18, 2008, 02:35:20 PM
A bloke goes to the doctor with a large strawberry stuck in his arse ! :o

Quack says "i will give you some cream for that !"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on December 25, 2008, 11:21:58 AM
true bravery is arriving at home at 2am after a boys night out, being assualted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask "are you cleaning, or are you getting ready to fly somewhere?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 08, 2009, 08:25:52 AM
Our  troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense

of humour with the following


'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...'

1. You refine heroin for a   living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
 
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
 
3. You have more wives than teeth.
 
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean...'
 
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
 
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
 
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
 
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
 
9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
 
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
 
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
 
12. You have a crush on your neighbour's goat.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on January 08, 2009, 10:30:02 PM
Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle,she was attracted to him,& during her questions about his life,she asked him how he had sex,
"Tarzan not know sex",he repiled,Jane explained to him what sex was!,
Tarzan repied,"oh......Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree",
 horrified, Jane said,"Tarzan,you have it all wrong,but i will show you how to do it properly"
she took off her clothing,& lay down on the ground,"Here " she said,pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here"
tarzan removed his loincloth,showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her,& kicked her in the crotch!,
Jane rolled about in agony for what seemed an eternity,
Eventually she managed to gasp for air,& screamed,"What did you do that for"
Tarzan replied
"just checking for squirrel"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 09, 2009, 11:59:21 AM
I like it Mick  ;D.

Have I put this up before? Ah, it worth a revisit anyway ;) ;D.

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_unnamed-1.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=unnamed-1.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: GD66 on January 11, 2009, 04:36:51 PM
 It's been confirmed that actress Dawn French has contracted the Ebola flesh-eating disease. Doctors have given her 27 years to live... ;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 19, 2009, 08:20:02 PM
I was in Bunnings the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.
 
 I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess
 I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
 
 The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
 too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
 
 I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
 
 The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue
 eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top
 and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
 
 I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
 
 Most old guys like me are helpful like that.  ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: LWC82PE on January 19, 2009, 08:24:15 PM
thats funny ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 20, 2009, 10:19:36 AM
;) :D ;D

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/apple.jpg)

;) :D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on January 20, 2009, 02:50:21 PM
Wonder if they play that song by the ANGELS  ,,,,,,,,,,,,, "am I ever gonna see your face again....no way.......g.. f...... ,f....off.

 ;)  :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 21, 2009, 12:06:58 AM
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls'.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked

'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on January 21, 2009, 05:47:33 PM
 
An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
   
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '
   
'I'm 96' said the old man. 

'I don't want an erection,

I just want it sticking out far enough

so I don't piss on my slippers !'

 
 
Keep Smiling :)
Jackiemac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 22, 2009, 07:40:04 PM
 ;D ;D ;D :D :D :D ;) ;) ;)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/ATT626093.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on January 22, 2009, 08:39:42 PM
a Real Old wrikly lady in a nursing home sticks her hand up in the air and says," if anyone here can guess what ive got in my hand, Ill give you sex"

An old bloke with dementia pipes up and says" I think its a caravan to which she replies" Thats close enough :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: firko on January 23, 2009, 10:22:13 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rob Langlands sent me this this morning. Of course I totally disagree. :o





 
      THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

            When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
      With their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When
they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school
every morning

      ... Uphill... barefoot.

      BOTH ways

      Yadda, yadda, yadda

      And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
      There was no way in hell I was going to lay
      A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it

      And how easy they've got it!

      But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
      Thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of
today.

      You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
      Childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

      And I hate to say it but you kids today you
      Don't know how good you've got it!

      I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we
wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and
      Look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

      There was no email!! We had to actually write
      Somebody a letter, with a pen!

      ...Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put
it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

      There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to
      Steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and
shoplift it yourself!

      Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and
the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!


      We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
      Were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy
signal, that's it!

      And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
      When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be
your school,
      Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a
collections agent, you
      Just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your
chances, mister!

      We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
      Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!
With games
      Like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little
square! You
      Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no
multiple levels or
      Screens, it was just one screen
      Forever!

      And you could never win. The game just kept getting
      Harder and harder and
      Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


      You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what
was
      On! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had
to get off
      Your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and
there was no
      Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons
      On Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I'm saying!?! We had to
wait ALL WEEK
      For cartoons, you spoiled
      Little rat-bastards!

      And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
      Something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

      That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
      Today have got it too easy.
      You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
      Five minutes back in 1980!

      Regards,
      The over 30 Crowd

   
 
 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on January 23, 2009, 03:04:45 PM
 small town, the boss cop says to his constable "we're getting to many drunks in town too early in the day,go down the pub and pull them into line." the constable sees this drunk outside the pub and says "it's 1 oclock and your drunk" and gives him a belt over the head with his baton.the drunk says f@#$!k i'm glad you didn"t come an hour ago!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on January 24, 2009, 09:47:19 AM
Johnny gets ready for work, wife is making breakfast and says , "are you okay Johnny? You look crook?"
"Im fine he says" , and sets off to work.
Upon entering work , a colleague asks if he is feeling well as he looked like shit.
"I feel fine" he said and made his way to the coffee machine wear he bumps into another co-worker.
"Gees Johnny, you look terrible, you should go to the doctors looking like that!"
"Thats the thing" ( said Johnny), "you're the third person thats said that, i might go see a doctor just in case. I do feel quite good though. i will go see the boss and ask for the day off to see the quack".
Johnny goes up to the office to see the boss, to which the boss says " wow Johnny, sit down. You look like shit! You should be at the doctors looking like that"
"Thats the thing, i feel good but everyone says i look like shit".
So off to the doctors.
"Come in Johnny, gee you look like shit"
"Thats what everyone is saying. I look like shit, but i feel quite good!"
Doc pulls out his medical book for a diagnosis.

"Looks bad, feels bad..no"

"Looks good ,feels good...no"

"Looks bad,feels good..aha!"

The doc reads the the diagnosis.

" I dont know how to tell you this Johnny, but you're a C**T!!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hoony on January 24, 2009, 11:14:10 AM
A dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering,

Stars twinkling in the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire,

One from Australia , one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng  glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to the ground and killed 'em with my beer hends'

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, 'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today'

Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on January 24, 2009, 03:31:32 PM
what's the matter with you blokes dont you get my joke?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on January 24, 2009, 05:03:49 PM
ross maybe you'd better stay true to maico girl!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 25, 2009, 03:46:46 PM
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'an inch of dust!!'
And then the fight started ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started ...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive ... so, I took her to a petrol station.
And then the fight started ...


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
licence to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had
left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I
would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is
proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started ...



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at
a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started ...



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the T bone steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started ... ..

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a carton of Carlton Draught for $39.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started ... .

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her bum look big. I told her
not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started ... ..

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started ... ..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started ... .

----------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started ... .
--------------------------------------------------------------------

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always
something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I
was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep
the driveway.'
and then the fight started ...
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mainline on January 25, 2009, 08:02:21 PM
Sorry Wally, I've read it a couple of times and I just don't get it. Bear in mind it's been 30 + degrees today with 80-90% humidity in Brissy, so I may be fried.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on January 25, 2009, 10:26:54 PM
hey mainline as red skelton used to say "boy the're bad when you've got to explain them!"...ok.... its 1 oclock & you're drunk, so he hits him on the head ONCE. the drunk said @#$% thank f***k you didn't come here an hour ago! [if he copped one on the head at 1 oclock what would have happened at 12?.....    i was reading Allen Pease's joke book without much reaction till i came across that one and i nearly fell out of bed laughing. maybe i'm a bit warped! cheers wally...... mx 250&co must have fun making up after all those fights start!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mainline on January 26, 2009, 01:49:43 PM
thanks wally  ::) i must have been in the sun too long  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on January 26, 2009, 05:44:06 PM
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on January 27, 2009, 08:58:17 AM
chuckle chuckle
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on January 27, 2009, 11:05:27 AM


You may already know this – I didn`t!!!!!!!!   

 THIS IS IMPORTANT..............................
What is the difference between http and https on website address's?
FIRST MANY PEOPLE ARE UNAWARE OF
**The main difference between http:// and
 https:// is It's all about keeping  you secure**
HTTP stands for HyperText Transport Protocol,
which is just a fancy way of saying it's a protocol
(a language, in a manner of speaking) for data to
be passed back and forth between web servers and
clients.  The important thing is the letter 'S' which
makes the difference between HTTP  and HTTPS.
The S (big surprise) stands for "Secure".
If you visit a website or webpage, and look at the
address in the web browser, it will likely begin with
the following: http://.
This means that the website is talking to your browser
using the regular 'unsecure' language. In other words,
it is possible for someone to "eavesdrop" on your
computer's conversation with the website. If you fill
out a form on the website, someone might see the
information you send to that site.  This is why you
never -ever- enter your credit card number in an
http website!
But if the web address begins with https://, that
basically means your computer is talking to the
website in a secure code that no one can eavesdrop on.
You understand why this is so important, right?
If a website ever asks you to enter your credit card
information, you should automatically look to see
if the web address begins with https://.
If it doesn't, there's no way you're going to enter
sensitive information like a credit card number.
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: firko on January 27, 2009, 11:36:48 AM
I was halfway through the above post wondering when the joke punchline was going to pop up ???
 I then realised it was a serious public service announcement ::) and good advice too.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on January 27, 2009, 03:23:37 PM
I can't wait until Mothers Day. I have to share:

A Mother's Love ...... This is so beautiful!

A little boy says to his mother, "Mummy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

And his mother replied, "Don't even go there! 
From what I can remember about that F**king party, you're lucky you don't bark!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on January 29, 2009, 12:18:26 AM
a platoon of soldiers were marching north of Fallujah when they came apon a Iraqi terrorist badly injured & unconcious
on the opposite side of the road they found an Australian soldier in a simlilar but not as serious state
the soldier was concious,an as 1st aid was being given to both men,the platoon sargent ask the injured Australian what had happened
I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here,& coming south was this heavily armed insurgent,we saw each other & we both took cover in the ditches alonside the road
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable lowlife scum who got what he deserved!
He yelled back that Kevin Rudd was a bureaucratic good for nothing,leftwing labour dickhead who knows buggerall about running the country
So i said Osama Bin ladin dresses & acts like a frigid mean spirited lesbian
he retailiated by yelling,'oh yeah,well so does Julia Gilliard!
so there we were,in the middle of the road,laughing,shaking hands
when a forking truck hit us!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on January 29, 2009, 03:55:48 PM
A bat joke:

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get  some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. 
He told them to p!ss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind  him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.   
"Do you see that large gum tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the bat,  "Because I f*cking didn't."  
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on January 29, 2009, 07:46:39 PM
On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.
At  Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress:
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us?
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?" 

The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr  gurrr  king!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on January 30, 2009, 06:02:47 PM

Okay ... so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Woolworths Employee:  'Hello 'dis be Woolworths, how can I help you?'

Customer:  'I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Woolworths Employee:  'What you want on the cake?'

Customer:  'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that, 'We will miss you'.

 ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pokey on January 30, 2009, 08:31:03 PM
Why spelling is sooo important


(http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c274/pokeit1st/spelling.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on January 30, 2009, 09:08:27 PM
Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?


Woman's Answer:

One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because  no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER!!
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!


I'm sorry... what was the question?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on January 31, 2009, 12:46:35 PM
 :D :D :D
So totally true right down to the letter F        :D :D  :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 02, 2009, 07:30:25 PM
An Israeli  doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a  kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for  work in six weeks.'

 

A German doctor  said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a  lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for  work in four weeks.'

 

A Russian doctor  said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart  from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for  work in two weeks.'

 

The Aussie  doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Huh!, that's nothing. We can take an  arsehole out of Queensland, put him  in Canberra and have half the country  looking for work within twenty-four  hours.

 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 02, 2009, 07:32:15 PM
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on February 03, 2009, 07:24:24 PM
STORY AS TOLD BY A RAH RAH (that's a Rugby Union devotee for our foreign friends and out of Staters)

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ' Hi ', and I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. .

'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the GPS Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied.

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '

" Arrgghhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!!

She snapped, 'Well tell me this, Smart Ass : Have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?'
 
'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 04, 2009, 07:51:27 AM
 :D Good one Wombie ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 04, 2009, 03:55:09 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/316e6b.jpg)

Judge Judy to prostitute "So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.' ::) ::) ;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on February 04, 2009, 07:10:54 PM
Got this one sent to me today, has the same name as a certain forum member, need to watch it to the end ::)

http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 04, 2009, 08:03:13 PM
Got this one sent to me today, has the same name as a certain forum member, need to watch it to the end ::)

http://www.freakybestmanspeech.com/


Yeah, that's the Freaky we all know and love, I just didn't know he was an attorney ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: yzhilly on February 04, 2009, 08:57:13 PM
Hah your one sick puppy freaky  .
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on February 04, 2009, 09:19:49 PM



'Viagra' is  now available in powder form for your tea.

It  doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does
stop your  biscuit going soft.
 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on February 04, 2009, 09:27:48 PM
 *Husband Store*
 
 
 
 *A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a
 woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is
 a description of how the store operates:*
 
   
 *You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
 of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
 may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
 the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
 building!*
 
 
 
 *So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
 floor the sign on the door reads:*
 
 
 *Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs*
 
 *She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign
 reads:*
 
 *Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.*
 
 
 *'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'*
 
 *So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:*
 
  *Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
 Looking.*
 
  *'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.*
 
 *She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:*
 
 
 *Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
 and Help With Housework.*

  *'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
 
 *Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:*
 
 
 *Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
 with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.*
 
 
 *She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
 sign reads:*
 
 
 *Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
 this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
 to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.*
 
 
 *PLEASE NOTE:*
 
 
 *To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
 store just across the street.*
 
 
 *The first floor has wives that love sex.*
 
 
 *The second floor has wives that love sex and like beer.*
 
 *The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.*

 
 
 
 


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 04, 2009, 09:32:55 PM
Hey....... :o ............ WHATS IN THE BASEMENT   :D  ;D   :D  ???
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 04, 2009, 09:33:04 PM
Sounds about right Jackie ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 04, 2009, 09:48:13 PM
Motherhood, a natural caring bond between mother and offspring.........

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image001-2.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image002-1.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image003-1.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image004-2.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image005.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image007.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image008.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image009.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image011.jpg)

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/image012-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on February 05, 2009, 02:33:27 PM
A bloke goes to the Doctor with a problem.He drops his pants and said to the doc -my dick has gone yellow .the doctor has a look and is puzzled.i think we need to do some blood tests ,come back in a week ,the fella comes back but the doc has no answer .Spends the next week reading all books ,the internet .the bloke comes back  still no answer ,so the doc asks the usuall questions ie what do you do for a job ,work enviroment etc .still no idea  so  doc asks about hobbies, to which the bloke replies  i dont have much in the way of hobbies.the doctor said  you must do some thing to relax and the bloke said  welll i do like to watch pornos and eat twisties
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on February 06, 2009, 01:09:21 AM
A bloke goes to the Doctor with a problem.He drops his pants and said to the doc -my dick has gone yellow .the doctor has a look and is puzzled.i think we need to do some blood tests ,come back in a week ,the fella comes back but the doc has no answer .Spends the next week reading all books ,the internet .the bloke comes back  still no answer ,so the doc asks the usuall questions ie what do you do for a job ,work enviroment etc .still no idea  so  doc asks about hobbies, to which the bloke replies  i dont have much in the way of hobbies.the doctor said  you must do some thing to relax and the bloke said  welll i do like to watch pornos and eat twisties
Thanks so much for this!! You've saved me a trip to the Doctor!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 06, 2009, 08:16:55 PM
thread bear
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 06, 2009, 08:18:44 PM
Is this what they do at those kamp kevlar places ?????
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on February 07, 2009, 08:18:02 PM
Whats the odd one out

a.     A Toaster
b.     A Washing Machine
c.     A Refridgerator
d.     A Woman
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: I has to be the Toaster, its the only one that doesnt drip after its screwed. (hope thats allowed) :o
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 09, 2009, 02:51:58 PM
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.



 David Bissonette
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hoony on February 09, 2009, 02:57:42 PM
There are only two ways to understand women.

and no man knows either of them.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 09, 2009, 03:02:59 PM
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
 David Bissonette

 :D :D :D :D :D :D :D yep 22 years of madness  :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 09, 2009, 03:31:35 PM
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
 ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 10, 2009, 02:20:53 PM
Disclaimer; these are jokes ;). No personal, city or suburb slur intended. You could probably delete the particular suburbs names and insert any suburb in any city in the world - sad but true - a comment on modern life????!!!!!

A  Blacktown  girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the assessor.

"Ten" replies the  Blacktown  girl,

"Ten?" says the Centrelink worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan
and Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Blacktown girl, "Its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!' or

'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.

"That's easy," says the Blacktown girl... "I just use their surnames"





A Fairfield girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll
take the red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."





Q. Two Redfern girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?

A. Society.

 



Q. What do you call a 30 year old Mt Druitt girl?

A. Granny.

 

Q. Why did the Redfern girl cross the road?

A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

 

Q. What do you call a Bankstown girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

 

Q. What's the first question during an Wentworthville quiz night?

A. What you looking at? 


 Q. What does a Mt Druitt girl use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter. 




Q. Two Cabramatta kids in a car without any music - who is driving?

A. The policeman.



Q. What's the difference between a boy and a Mt Druitt girl?

A. A Mt Druitt girl has a higher sperm count.

 

Q. What's the most confusing day in Blacktown ?

A. Fathers day



Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Blacktown ?

A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 10, 2009, 08:54:04 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

    "I remember that too" she replied softly.
    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...

    ". . .. I would have gotten out today."

As they say, ya get less for murder. ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 10, 2009, 09:07:18 PM
http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=vrai-motard.flv

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_vrai-motard.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=vrai-motard.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 10, 2009, 09:50:13 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_HowaRealManTakesoffhisUnderwear1.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=HowaRealManTakesoffhisUnderwear1.flv)

http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=HowaRealManTakesoffhisUnderwear1.flv
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 10, 2009, 09:58:01 PM
Different way to take the bull by the horns   :D



VALENTINES DAY FRIDAY - SPOIL YOURSELVES ROTTEN
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 10, 2009, 10:03:28 PM
Different way to take the bull by the horns   :D



VALENTINES DAY FRIDAY - SPOIL YOURSELVES ROTTEN
Or the horn by the bull  ;) ::) :o :P
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: GD66 on February 10, 2009, 10:07:53 PM




VALENTINES DAY FRIDAY - SPOIL YOURSELVES ROTTEN
[/quote]


Friday the 13th, Friday, scare yourselves rotten. Make up on Valentines Day Saturday....if you're lucky. But remember lads, brownie points only last until the next time you screw up.... ::)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 10, 2009, 11:29:16 PM
Different way to take the bull by the horns   :D

VALENTINES DAY FRIDAY - SPOIL YOURSELVES ROTTEN
I am a Taurus  ;D

That explains a hell of a lot,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I'm a Leo  ;)  :D  :D ;D

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on February 11, 2009, 12:13:10 AM
I don't have 'star sign'; There was some loophole when I was born and I simply don't have one.
True story!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on February 12, 2009, 04:33:04 PM
This is only funny if you are old enough to remember bil and ben the flower pot men
bill said to ben blib blubbloob and  ben said if you love me you would swallow that
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on February 12, 2009, 05:22:56 PM
Got this classic today, gotta make you laugh ;D

> Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy
> > looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to
> > you,
> > that you're from Ireland ..'
> >
> > The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
> >
> > The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
> >
> > The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
> >
> > The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
> >
> > 'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?
> >
> > The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary
> > Street
> > in the old central part of town.'
> >
> > The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
> > And to what school would you have been going'?
> >
> > The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
> >
> > The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what
> > year did you graduate'?
> >
> > The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
> >
> > The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
> > hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can
> > you
> > believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
> >
> > About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
> >
> > Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,
> > 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
> >
> > Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
> >
> > 'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'
> >
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 12, 2009, 10:11:14 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfPjWQQDu3c
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 12, 2009, 10:30:26 PM
And how good am I ,,,,,,,,Valentines day is SATURDAY   :-[
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 16, 2009, 08:09:54 AM
Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary  Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing  this was  not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the  mood  slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'   

She replied, 'Probably out riding with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the  classroom.........

 ;) :) :D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on February 16, 2009, 06:42:56 PM
Job at the FBI:

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home..'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. 
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.  'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them...
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 16, 2009, 06:57:24 PM
Right person for the Job then  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Sue on February 18, 2009, 10:41:36 PM
Their was a little old lady who lived behind the golf course, she was sick and tired of the golfers hitting their golf balls into her garden and while they where there they would have a leak in her garden, so one day she sat behind the bush with some secateurs and to every golfer who pulled there thingy out to have a pee she "said twenty dollars or ill cut it off," this went on for a couple of days ,she had made a nice sum of money so in two garbage bags she set off to town to bank the money, then a copper stop her and told her there was a hole in one of the bags and that she had twenty dollar notes falling out. Thank you for telling me with a smile on her face. but the copper couldnt leave it at that and had to ask, where she had got all the money from. well she said " i live behind the golf course and  these men kept peeing on my garden everytime their ball went missing." So i sat behind the bush and told them twenty dollars or i will cut it off,,,, The copper started laughing thinking she was a smart women, then he ask whats in the other bag and she said in a small voice "their the ones that didnt pay."   :o
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on February 19, 2009, 07:16:39 PM
THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A bloke calls his mate, a Cowboy, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
Cowboy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a Dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the Dwarf shows up and the Cowboy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the he picks up the Dwarf and the little fella gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
Old mate is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
"What??!!" says the Cowboy.
Totally mad at this point, he grabs the Dwarf under the arms and rams his head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrathe that... can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'   
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on February 19, 2009, 07:34:32 PM
Women are Evil...

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third shop, everything had just been reduced when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life, he will require round- the- clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.  He's dead. What did you buy?'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 19, 2009, 08:25:42 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on February 19, 2009, 09:15:56 PM
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married
and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation
drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion,
they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
 
The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink,
the single girl leered and said, Last Friday at the end of the work day I
went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other
people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice,
black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad
passionate love on his desk right then and there!
 
The engaged woman giggled and said, That's pretty much my story! When my
fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only made love all night, but he also wants to move up our wedding date!
 
The married woman put her glass down and said, I did a lot of planning. I
made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he
grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for
dinner?'
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: yzhilly on February 19, 2009, 10:47:45 PM
Keep up the great jokes people i enjoy catching up every couple of days for a laugh even the missus gets a laugh and my kids luv the vids thanks .
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 20, 2009, 12:14:52 PM
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

 :o ::)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on February 20, 2009, 12:23:26 PM
   

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
   
 
 
 
 

 
 
   
 

 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 20, 2009, 12:40:10 PM
Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.

And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence... :D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on February 20, 2009, 12:59:30 PM
Guy says to his wife:
"What would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife Replies:
"I'd take half and leave you!"
Guy says:
"Excellent!  I had 3 & a sup….. won 10 bucks, here's 5, now fork off"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 20, 2009, 01:36:43 PM
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.........
How could anyone stoop so low? :P ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 20, 2009, 03:29:18 PM
Make you cry and laugh    :'(    :D 
FUNNY,SAD AND TRUE
Important Information on the Stimulus Payment

This year, you the Australian taxpayer will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment from the Rudd Government.
This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A. It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers.
"Q. Where will the government get this money?
"A. From taxpayers.
"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A. Only a smidgen.
"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A. Shut up."

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or New Zealand (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.


And none of it will help the economy. So we need to keep that money here.
You can keep the money here by spending it at
Garage sales
Go to a football game
Prostitutes,
Beer & wine
Tattoos
Since these are the only businesses still here.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 20, 2009, 04:23:57 PM
Gee that's depressing....

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/stuffit.jpg)

...and on a friday arvo ::) :P :-[
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 20, 2009, 04:27:42 PM
Come on mx250, you gotta see the funny side of the Aussie political humor  ;)  ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on February 20, 2009, 04:43:41 PM
JOKES FOR BRAVE MEN:

 How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
 Marry It!

 What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
 A battery has a positive side.

 What are the three fastest means of communication?
 1) Television
 2) Telephone
 3) Telawoman

 How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
 They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

 What should you give a woman who has everything?
 A man to show her how to work it.

 Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
 Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

 How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
 Put a nipple on it.

 Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
 Because they don't have balls to scratch.

 Why did God create woman ?
 To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

 Why do women fake orgasms ?
 Because they think men care.

 What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
 Nothing, she's been told twice already.

 If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
 Made her chain too long

 How many men does it take to open a beer?
 None. It should be opened when she brings it.

 Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
 Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably 
 never be able to support you.

 Why do women have smaller feet than men?
 It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer 
 to the kitchen sink.

 How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
 When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

 How do you fix a woman's watch?
 You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

 Why do men fart more than women?
 Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required 
 pressure.

 If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
 The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

 What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
 A woman who won't do what she's told

 I married a Miss Right.
 I just didn't know her first name was Always.

 Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
 It's called a Wedding Cake.

 Why do men die before their wives?
 They want to.

 Women will never be equal to men..
 until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
 still think they are sexy.  ;)
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 20, 2009, 04:48:15 PM
Doctor's Funeral

A Cardiologist dies and is given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stands behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the flowered heart opens and the casket is gently rolled inside.

The heart then closes and the Cardiologist is sealed in the beautiful heart forever.

Seeing the procedure, one of the mourners bursts into laughter. When all eyes stare at him, he explains, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. You see, I'm a Gynaecologist."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 20, 2009, 05:00:48 PM
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychologhy class.
The teacher started her class by saying "everyone who thinks there stupid" stand up.
After a while Little Johny stood up.
The teacher said "do you think you are stupid little Johnie".?
No mama but ,I hate to see you standing there by yourself.  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 24, 2009, 01:17:32 PM


Irish Coffee:


An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: bigk on February 24, 2009, 01:35:28 PM
The following is a true story, only the facts have been changed:
I was out jogging one day and I picked up a tennis ball from the side of the road. It through me a bit off balance with it in my hand, so I tried it under my arm, t shirt, headband etc but not much better. I finally stuffed it down the front of my jocks where it was comfortable. As I was coming up the driveway, my elderly lady neighbor was watering her garden, so I stopped to say hello. She immediately noticed the bulge in my shorts and asked what's that? That's my tennis ball, I replied. Oh you poor dear, she said with a concerned look on her face, that must be painful, I had tennis elbow once!
Cheers,
K
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 24, 2009, 01:41:21 PM
The following is a true story, only the facts have been changed:
;) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on February 26, 2009, 04:18:01 PM
A bloke comes home after a big day at work with a duck under his arm and walks into the Kitchen

He says " this is the pig Ive been rootin"

His missus turns to him and says "thats not  pig, thats a duck"

He says" I was talking to the duck" ::)

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pokey on February 26, 2009, 07:32:41 PM
(http://i159.photobucket.com/albums/t137/gzbrown/IrishYoga.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on February 26, 2009, 08:27:10 PM
Aplane crashes on a deserted island,with only two survivors.A man and a woman who was Elle Macphearson.
Bugger they said ,but we should be rescued in acouple of days  a week at the most. a week goes by then a month then two months.Elle and the bloke looked at each other and said well looks like we could be here for longer than we think,we are both healthy humans with normal urges and well they where at it like rabbits straight awy on the beach.The bloke says to Elle that was great ,fantastic but could you do me a favour Elle raises toup on her elbow and said well as long as it is not disgusting or wierd.No not at all but when you get dressed in the morning could you put on my spare clothes and act like  abloke and  you dont know me tomorrow .Elle thought about it ,said yes not a problem.
 the next morning Elle is walking down the beach when the bloke walked up next to her and said guess who i f**ked last night.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on February 27, 2009, 01:16:23 PM
After 21 pages of jokes I'm losing track of what's been posted; I don't think this has appeared:

SOMETHING HERE TO UPSET EVERYONE
 
Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying, your still my sister'!


Wife say's to husband, 'Doctor says I have the tits and a*s of an 18 year old'
Husband says 'What about your 40 year old c*nt?'
Wife says ' We didn’t mention you'!

My ex wife asked what reincarnation is. 
I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'Your not f*cking listening'!


Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. 
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f*ck's off.


Today an Abo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.
Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen...

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to
panic as they have managed to push it inside the Mosque.


A female Al-Queda terrorist was found dead today in her bathroom.
Police believe she got her anthrax mixed up with her tampax and blew up the wrong c*nt.

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says
'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.


Young woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me an epidural.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f*cker'.
He replied casually,  'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ar*e but you said,
'F*ck off it'll be too painful',
Now who's laughing'?  
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 27, 2009, 01:36:41 PM
You've reached new heights of political incorrectness Womby.

..............but funny ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on February 27, 2009, 03:28:20 PM
Now if we want to get real bad ..........why dosnt a women guts fall out of her c**t? because of the vacum in her head
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: cyclegod on February 27, 2009, 03:35:22 PM
Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?

A: It was pissed off


Q: What's worse than silicon tits?

A: A cardboard box
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on February 27, 2009, 03:42:21 PM
Why do gays prefer ribbed condoms? For better traction in the mud
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Sue on February 28, 2009, 10:22:41 PM
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hornet on February 28, 2009, 11:07:49 PM
Good one Sue , I like it
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Sue on March 02, 2009, 11:53:56 AM
(http://)A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 02, 2009, 12:21:15 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/roll-1.gif) ;D.

That wouldn't be me; I'm not that old ;).
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 02, 2009, 12:25:01 PM
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale


     Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl,

     'Will you marry me?"  The girl said, 'NO!'
     And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
     and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
     drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and
     farted whenever he wanted.

                                      THE END
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Sue on March 02, 2009, 01:02:19 PM
(http://)• A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle. After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally found his own bike. He sat on his motorcycle in a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, and again on and off. He started his engine and pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.  The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. "I doubt it," said the man, "You see, tonight I am the designated decoy... I haven't had a drink all day!"
 


Cheers Sue  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on March 02, 2009, 03:35:40 PM
i just read 'the horth withperer' and can't stop the tears.......... "I laughed so much i pith myself it run all down my leg"!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 03, 2009, 04:54:49 PM
Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before
leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..

Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on March 03, 2009, 07:51:58 PM
Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek...

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead!

The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again. ;) :D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: DJRacing on March 03, 2009, 08:05:11 PM
You dirty rotten underhand bowling cheap shots in the dark Ockers  ;)  ;D  ;D

But at least the Blonde Swiss Girl didnt dislike the idea of the kiwi having a go, she must've been keen...  ;)  ;D

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek...
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on March 04, 2009, 03:29:22 PM
I don't think that I've ever been so amused and so horrified at the same time.

(http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f128/annaandnathan/mutual-touching.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 04, 2009, 04:06:40 PM
 ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on March 04, 2009, 04:27:13 PM
What do you never say in a gay bar?could someone push my stool in.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on March 04, 2009, 06:54:58 PM
First time solo skydiver jumps from the plane. He enjoys the view then decides to pull the chute. The chute wont open so he starts to panic, pulling the cord frantically.
He then remembers the back up chute and pulls that cord and again nothing happens.
He starts to really panic, thinking what can i do.
Just then he spies a guy flying upwards towards him.
In a panicked voice he yells "do you know anything about parachutes?"
The guy says "no.... do you know anything about gas stoves???"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on March 04, 2009, 06:59:41 PM
I don't think that I've ever been so amused and so horrified at the same time.
I have to agree with you on this one - that is beyond weird!
Now there's someone who needs a motorcycle in his life... ??? :-\  
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on March 05, 2009, 10:43:56 AM
Now there's someone who needs a motorcycle in his life... ??? :-\ [/color]

I'd rather not have his *type* contaminating our gene pool.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hornet on March 05, 2009, 11:30:02 AM
Hmmm without knowing Nathan personally , I was a bit scared to put up remarks about his website . Its great to see we have VMX girl site now, but I wasnt aware of the VMX gay site. Lets suck and see :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on March 05, 2009, 08:03:26 PM
Hmmm without knowing Nathan personally , I was a bit scared to put up remarks about his website . Its great to see we have VMX girl site now, but I wasnt aware of the VMX gay site. Lets suck and see :D
Hmmmmm Nathan, does your family & friends know what your getting upto on the computer, the ALT/TAB key must be working overtime
You hang out at some really weird websites :-\
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 05, 2009, 08:48:28 PM
'Sometimes  when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel  shame.   Then  I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .   If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.   
Then I say to  myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'   ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 05, 2009, 08:50:22 PM
$500 an HOUR=
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down  and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
 
 
ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He  said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:  My name is  Susan!

ATTORNEY: So the  date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting  laid

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had  a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus  was in town I'm going with  male.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,  did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood  pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you  began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No ..
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,  Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a  jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,  nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and  practicing
law
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on March 06, 2009, 07:23:40 PM
Hmmm without knowing Nathan personally , I was a bit scared to put up remarks about his website . Its great to see we have VMX girl site now, but I wasnt aware of the VMX gay site. Lets suck and see :D
Hmmmmm Nathan, does your family & friends know what your getting upto on the computer, the ALT/TAB key must be working overtime
You hang out at some really weird websites :-\

Found it on another forum, actually Rossco.
And the guy that posted it up on that forum was asked all of the same questions...
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on March 06, 2009, 07:41:24 PM
 :D :D :D :D You knew they were gonna be coming
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Lozza on March 07, 2009, 09:01:33 AM
A survey showed what men liked most about oral sex 20% liked the sensation, 10% liked the warmth and an overwhealming 70% enjoyed the silence..........................................................................
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Sue on March 07, 2009, 08:54:41 PM
lol  :o
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 15, 2009, 01:27:44 PM
What children wrote about the sea....

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
 
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
 
 If you are surrounded by sea you are an  Island . If you don't have
sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne  age 7)
 
 Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
 
 A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy
age 8)
 
 My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily
Burniston age 5)
 
 When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be
better off eating beans. (William age 7)
 
 I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
 
 I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my
big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
15
 
 Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
 
 When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)
 
 Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky
age 7
 
 On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot
up her fanny (Julie age 7)
 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 16, 2009, 12:35:50 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/mail.jpg) :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 16, 2009, 08:28:12 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_Arab_Technology_Meets_German_Engine.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=Arab_Technology_Meets_German_Engine.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 19, 2009, 07:48:31 PM
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' He continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.'  :o :o :o

 ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on March 19, 2009, 07:55:43 PM
Bruce and Murray are 2 Kiwi beggars. They beg in different areas of Bondi.
Bruce begs just as long as Murray but only collects $2 to $3 everyday.
Murray however brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Bruce says to Murray 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?' :-[

Murray says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Bruce's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'. :'(

Murray says  'No wonder you only get $2 - $3!'
Bruce says... 'So what does your sign say'? :-\

Murray shows Bruce his sign....

It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to New  Zealand'. ;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on March 19, 2009, 08:20:22 PM
Just on the off chance there's someone on the Forum who hasn't heard this one:

A young Indian Brave approaches his Mum and asks the origin of their tribal names.
"Rippling Stream, can you explain these to me"?
She looked him in the eye and said, "It's all based on tribal custom..."; something he should discuss with his Dad.

So he walks about the camp looking for his Dad.
He passes his older brother and asks him the same question.
"Rising Sun, do you know how we get our names"?
The brother looked at him for a while, thought about it... then suggested his Dad should explain tribal custom.

At that moment the young Braves father came into view.
He waved at his Dad and ran over to find an answer.

"Prowling Bear, please share with me the reason for our names - how are they chosen"?
The Father looked at his boy and nodded...
"Son, it is our custom for the Father to name his child immediately after the birth".

"It is the Fathers duty to take his newborn child from the Teepee for the very first time, hold him close and choose a name based on the first thing the Father sees upon stepping outside".

"But tell me Two Dogs F*cking, why do you ask"?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: GD66 on March 19, 2009, 08:35:50 PM
....the only person who hasn't heard that is currently appearing in reply #334.... ::)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 20, 2009, 05:58:21 PM
opps
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 20, 2009, 06:07:36 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/ATT626093.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 20, 2009, 07:19:21 PM
cheers gd  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on March 21, 2009, 10:14:28 PM
a truckie walks into a outback roadside diner with a full grown emu behind him,the waitress asks them for their orders,the truckie says i'll have hamburger,chips & a coke,turns to the emu,whats yours,i'll have the same thanks!,a short time later the waitress returns with their order,that will be $9.40,the truckie reaches in his pocket & hands her the correct amount,the next day the truckie & the emu come again,the truckie says a hamburger,chips,& a coke,the emu says i'll have the same!,again the truckie reaches into his pocket for the exact amount,this becomes routine for a few days,till one day the waitress says the usual?,no it's friday night,so i'll have a steak,baked potato,& a salad says the truckie,same says the emu,shortly the waitress brings the order,that will be $32,75,once again the truckie pulls the eact amount from his pocket,lays it on the table,the waitress cannot hold her curiosity back any longer,excuse me mate,but how do you manage to have the exact amount in your pocket everytime,well love says the truckie,i was cleaning out the back shed one day & found an old lamp,when i rubbed it a genie appeared & offered me 2 wishes,my 1st wish was if i ever had to pay for anything,i just had to reach in my pocket &  the correct amount  would always be there!,thats brilliant said the waitress,most people would asked to be a millionaire,this way  you always have money & be rich for as long as you want,thats correct says the truckie,wether it's a gallon of milk,or a rolls royce,the exact money is always there,well whats with the bloody emu asked the waitress,the truckie sighs,pauses,& answers,my second wish was for a tall chick with long legs,a big arse,& who always agrees with everything i say
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 21, 2009, 10:17:30 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 23, 2009, 12:10:04 PM


Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money...


The first does a  total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new  makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because  she loves him so much.


The man was  impressed.

The  second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf  clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As  she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money  on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is  impressed.

The  third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the  $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a  joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future  because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man  was impressed.

The  man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money  he'd given her.


Then he married the one with the biggest  tits. ;)


Men are  like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast  implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by  2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge  erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with  them
.
;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on March 23, 2009, 06:40:54 PM
HAVING MUM OVER FOR DINNER:
           
            Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
            Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's 'roommate',
            Jennifer was. Brian's Mum had long been suspicious of a relationship
            between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

            Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
            started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
            the eye.

            Reading his mum's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
            thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

            About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother
            came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle.
            You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

            Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

            So he sat down and wrote:         
 ________________________________________
   
            Dear Mum ,

            I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
            I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
            But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

            Love, Brian   
         ___________________________________

            Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
            ___________________________________

            Dear Son,

            I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer,
            I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
            But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed,
            she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

            Love, Mum       
      ___________________________________

            LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 23, 2009, 07:43:13 PM
'My Mum drinks beer  and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks  beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the  street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
we don't even have a dog--Jack, 7 years
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: DJRacing on March 24, 2009, 04:09:04 PM
Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non -living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

 
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
 
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
 
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
 
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
 
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
 
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
 
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
 
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
 
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
 
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: vmx42 on March 24, 2009, 04:34:37 PM
Hey DJ,
Did you run those by Karen before posting???
With that kind of insight you could have your own Talk Show - Ask Dr DJ??
I can almost hear the audience cheering from here…
VMX42
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: DJRacing on March 24, 2009, 06:51:29 PM
Hell ya Jeff, otherwise I would have to learn to cook again ;)   ;D

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $2000 Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks/planes/motorbikes/sport. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 24, 2009, 07:04:14 PM
ta gd
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 24, 2009, 07:12:30 PM
WICO
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES   FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME!


Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants only.

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE


HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
 

 

 







Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: GD66 on March 24, 2009, 07:30:48 PM
Whew !...and in the Blue Corner.... :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 24, 2009, 07:39:13 PM
Whew !...and in the Blue Corner.... :D

I believe this is the only topic where opposites can dual safety in gest   ;)   :-X    ;D
alison
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: GD66 on March 24, 2009, 07:48:47 PM
Reckon ? Someone will throw a big tanty and mince off into the sunset, I reckon.... :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Sue on March 24, 2009, 08:11:29 PM
(http://)(http://i710.photobucket.com/albums/ww107/xxena5/nuts1.jpg)

mx250 after i had read your joke i found this very amusing.

Sue
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on March 25, 2009, 12:20:24 AM
 a woman arrives home,finds husband stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter
what are you doing?
,hunting flies he replies
oh,killing any, she asks
yep he replied,3 males,& 2 females!
intrigued,she asked,how can you tell them apart?
easy he responded,3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 26, 2009, 08:13:05 AM
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a  Xmas fancy dress party.  He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
 The man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.  A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.  A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as  a toffee apple.___
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on March 26, 2009, 07:32:45 PM
Two gay  men decide to have a baby.
They mixed their sperm together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
 
When the baby was born, they rushed to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the  ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other.
'All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves the superiority of gay love!'

The nurse  says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now, but  just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!' :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 26, 2009, 07:41:57 PM
 ;D Yeah, I'll pay that one.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 30, 2009, 10:12:08 AM
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen. 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. 

 ;) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on March 30, 2009, 11:49:03 PM
who is your real friend?

try this quick experiment

put your missus ,& your  dog in the boot of your car for about an hour

when you open the boot,which one is really happy to see you ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 30, 2009, 11:59:26 PM
 :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Ian P on March 31, 2009, 04:08:21 PM


 


Why Men Prefer Dogs To Women


Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs don't cry.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 31, 2009, 05:09:38 PM
All, oh so true Ian. ;D ;D ;D ;D

And dogs don't care if your car is a 20m year old shit box ute............

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/Picture070.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 31, 2009, 05:11:35 PM
Oh dear!!!!!!!! ::) :o ::)

Achmed, the Arab, came to Great Britain from the Middle East, and
he was here only a few months when he became very ill. He went to
doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: 'Take dees bocket, go into
de Odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head
down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket,
peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific!
What   was wrong with me?"

The doctor said ... "You were homesick."
;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 31, 2009, 05:16:30 PM
I've got two dogs
I can kick them and they don't kick me back  :D :D :D :D :D ;) ;) ;)
Alison
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on March 31, 2009, 06:53:55 PM
Yes and when you are tired of them  you can use a lead injection ( cant do this with kids)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on April 01, 2009, 05:05:56 AM
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

 ;D x 10.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on April 01, 2009, 07:14:53 AM
forkin oath  ;D ;D ;D classic
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on April 01, 2009, 07:22:07 AM
I like the alternative punch-line, which is:

"I don't think I'm having sex tonight, either".
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on April 01, 2009, 09:40:09 AM
SAD NEWS ARRIVED TODAY WITH THE CANCELLATION OF CD6 AND QUEENSLAND CLASSIC NATIONALS
ITS WAS REPORTED ON OZVMX HOME PAGE









APRIL FOOLS   ;)     ;D
Alison
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: bigk on April 01, 2009, 10:25:26 AM
Two Arabs had just arrived in Australia and made a pact to meet up in a years time to see which one had become more "Australian" in that time. On meeting up at the pub, Bob (Achmed), says to Phil (Ichmel), I think I've got this one in the bag mate. I love meat pies, footy, Holdens and even vegemite sandwiches, beat that. Phil looks at Bob and says, piss off towel head!
Cheers,
K
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on April 01, 2009, 08:27:05 PM



IRISH LOVER

Paddy and Colleen were making
passionate love in Paddy's mini-van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on
the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this
unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a
flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van
and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices
that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she
goes to the doctor.  The doctor takes one look at the wounds and
asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"  Colleen, a little
embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the
kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims,
"I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst
case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen"...
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on April 02, 2009, 09:34:03 AM
<embed width="448" height="361" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" src="http://i323.photobucket.com/player.swf?file=http://vid323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/9283.flv">
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on April 05, 2009, 10:41:56 AM
So a cop pulls over a biker for going 100 mph.

Cop, "You better be a good excuse or you're going to jail"

Biker "Sorry sir, but my wife ran off with a cop yesterday and I thought it was you trying to return her "
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on April 07, 2009, 04:43:20 PM
Why Condoms come in boxes of 3, 6, & 12: 

A man walks into a Chemist shop with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.' 
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'

He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, '
Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies,
'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'
Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers,
'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on April 07, 2009, 04:47:02 PM
Things were different when I was a nipper - we didn't have this sort of variety with the Lego pieces... :P
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on April 09, 2009, 03:51:17 PM
Check this piece of art:
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on April 16, 2009, 06:54:16 PM
The old bloke and the Nursing Home:

An old bloke enters a Nursing Home on the advice of his son.
He's getting on in years and it's for the best he has someone around to look after him.
After two days his son drops in for a visit to see how Dad's handling the place - does he like it and whaddya think?

Dad says, "Not too sure this place is for me... I have me doubts. Yesty I was lyin' in bed while the Nurse was givin' me a tub.
Fair dinkum, I got a hard on! So the Nurse looks surprised - but then she straddles me in the bed and grinds me like coffee!"
"As she climbs orf she says, Ya can't let one of those go to waste!"

"Sensational Dad; ya gotta be happy with that?!"

"Yep, yep, yep. I was pleased... but today I was shufflin' up the corridor and I fell over. Then quick as a flash the Male Nurse shot up behind me, dropped me daks and shoved his old fella up me bum!! UP ME BUM!!"
"Eventually he climbs out and says, Ya gotta take these opportunities when they come around!"

"Well Dad, ya gotta take the good with the bad - I saw that Nurse and she's a hottie. Don't be too hasty on wanting to leave."
"Yeah... yeah I know what you're sayin... but I only get an erection once or twice a year - and I fall over at least three times a day!" ;) :D   
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on April 17, 2009, 08:52:20 AM
    Wise Jewish Man

 

 A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had

 been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there

 he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for

an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

 "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I

 pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all

our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love

 their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a forkin' brick wall."


Keep Smiling :) :) :)
Jackie Mac

 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on April 17, 2009, 10:24:11 AM
 :D :D Very piquant.

I only have one prayer;

Lord, protect us from zealots, all zealots.
Lord, protect us from religious zealots, political zealots, motorcycling zealots, politically correct zealots,
Lord, protect us from zealots, all types of zealots.   ;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on April 17, 2009, 03:14:47 PM
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,** 

**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

 
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Pauly.'**

**After a brief pause,**


**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Pauly.'**

 


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**



 


Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**'I did it, Daddy.'**

 **'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Pauly?'**


**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****



*****Longer Pause*****



 

*****Even Longer Pause*****


 


**Then Daddy says,**


**'Swimming pool?  ...........**


**Is this 486-5731?'*



 
**No, I think you have the wrong number........*


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on April 17, 2009, 09:01:54 PM

A teacher is  explaining biology to her 4th grade students.  'Human beings are  the only animals that stutter', she  says.

A  little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered',  she volunteered.

The  teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,  asked the girl to describe the  incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the  Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we  knew it, he jumped over the fence into  our yard!

'That  must've been scary', said the teacher  '

It  sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went  'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.. And before he could say ' fork' , the Rottweiler  ate him!

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac

 
 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on April 22, 2009, 07:48:39 PM
The Missouri Sheriff:

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying,  'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff's Department with me.'  Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge! Show him your Badge!" :D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on April 22, 2009, 07:52:27 PM
  The crusty old biker:

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker  walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on April 24, 2009, 10:13:53 AM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/Thebestevertatoo.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on April 24, 2009, 10:14:39 AM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/mail.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on April 28, 2009, 06:23:01 PM
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
 
He answers,'You see it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if  I have to roll my own............ so does she.  
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on April 28, 2009, 06:31:05 PM
Journey of one Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction less.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious, that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now... and I'm looking for a girl with big tits.

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hotelmoto on April 29, 2009, 09:23:41 PM
I'm not the only one that does'nt understand the wife.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hoony on April 29, 2009, 09:33:17 PM
Last Night i just missed out on a threesome !

i was short by 2 Sheila's
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: YUMASTEPSIDE on April 30, 2009, 06:42:17 AM
Yeah Hoony, I know what it's like !  I have sex almost every night.....almost on Monday ,  almost on Tuesday .....................

                      Roger
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mainline on May 01, 2009, 02:07:57 PM
(http://i300.photobucket.com/albums/nn38/mainline_bucket/piglet.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on May 01, 2009, 03:42:39 PM
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Brisbane immigration offices.

 

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in Australia with your wife and five children.'

 

The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'


The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

 

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.

 

The refugee claimant now got bolder.

 

'I need a big house with a three car garage on Cheveron Island with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.

 

PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.


'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

 

I want to be like the Aussies with Australian clothes instead of manjams, and an Acubra  instead of this turban.

And I want to have white skin like the Aussies.'

 

 

PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a tired old flanalette shirt and a sweat stained Acubra.  He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

 

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.  'Where is my new house?'

 

 

The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to f*** all!!!!'  And she disappeared!

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on May 04, 2009, 11:30:30 PM
it was once said that a black man would become president of the united states,"when pigs flew"
lo & behold, a 100 days into the obarma presidency
swine flu  ::)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on May 06, 2009, 05:42:50 PM
 Never lie to your mother!!



Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates.'

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?'


'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.



So he sat down and wrote...



DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE.. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER



Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read



DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM xxx


Lesson of the day,
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!
 
 
 
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on May 10, 2009, 12:22:51 PM
Riders brief from across the waters  ;)   ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on May 10, 2009, 12:24:53 PM
bread money
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on May 10, 2009, 09:03:16 PM
hmmmm
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on May 10, 2009, 09:05:22 PM
hmmmmm 2
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on May 10, 2009, 09:07:35 PM
hmmm 3
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mxmaniac on May 10, 2009, 09:22:24 PM
Global economy cutbacks have taken place at telstra....
(http://i287.photobucket.com/albums/ll133/mxmaniac05/cardboardoffice.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on May 12, 2009, 05:43:40 PM
Tough times ahead
 

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned Australia that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off Australia 's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Telstra customer service reps, dole office workers and Queensland doctors.


It's getting ugly, folks!

 

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 15, 2009, 09:06:21 AM
"I'm not dwunk offisher, but I will be if you want me to be". ;D

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_da_duvam_ili_vucem.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=da_duvam_ili_vucem.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on May 18, 2009, 10:55:42 PM
I know, I tried to ring the swine flu hotline but all I could get was crackling ::)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on May 18, 2009, 11:00:50 PM
 Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts
of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of
pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets worse........

next year......
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?   :o
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on May 19, 2009, 08:40:56 AM
 
 ???The pigs are not getting away with this,
  2009 is the year of the Ox ;D ;D ;D ;D


Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on May 19, 2009, 08:43:49 AM
Wish Wish!!



An Aussie truckie walks into  an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks  them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A pie n’ sauce, chips and  a coke,' and turns to the emu,  'What's yours?' 'I'll have the  same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns  with the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and he reaches into  his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next  day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A  pie n’ sauce,  chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the  truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This  becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the  waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked  potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says  the emu. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will  be  $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out  of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot  hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage  to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 

'Well, love' says  the  truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found  an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two  wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,  I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money  would always be there.'

'That's  brilliant!' says the  waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but  you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,  the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks,  'What's with the bloody emu?' 
The truckie sighs, pauses,  and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and  long legs, who agrees with everything I say.' 

 
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on May 22, 2009, 05:12:45 PM

A family is driving behind a garbage truck ,when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect."
 
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: vmx42 on May 22, 2009, 05:32:39 PM
What a way to finish a Friday. Very funny!!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 22, 2009, 08:31:22 PM
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick
Willy up from school and go home.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: geraldo on May 24, 2009, 06:11:24 AM
Ear Infection
 
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.  I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
 
The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
 
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."   


"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
 
"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it."

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
 
The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

 

 

 

 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: ty4 on May 26, 2009, 04:59:34 PM
Eye test!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on May 27, 2009, 12:20:03 PM
>> A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
>> although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
>> party with his old buddies .
>>
>> So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
>> 'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
>> 'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
> The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
>>
>> She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
>> kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,

>> Japan , India ,etc.
>> The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
>> think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
>> know...they have frozen glasses...'
>> He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
>> him by saying,
>> 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
>>
>> She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
>> getting chills just holding it.

>> The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the

>> Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
>> won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

>> You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took
>> out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
>> blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

>> 'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know....there's swearing,
>> dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your
>> Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are
 Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'   ;D

>> .........and, they lived happily ever after.  ;D

>> Now, isn't that a sweet story?  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on May 27, 2009, 08:35:35 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D Good one!

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on May 27, 2009, 08:38:57 PM
Irish maths test*
> >
> > Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
> > little
> > maths test.
> > Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
> > represent the number 9."
> > "Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dats easy." And proceeds to draw three
> > trees.
> >
> >
> > "What's this?" the boss asks.
> > "Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
> >
> >
> > "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
> > rules, but this time the number is 99."
> > Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
> > has
> > just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "Ere ye go."
> >
> >
> > The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
> > represent 99?"
> > "Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
> > plus
> > dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
> >
> >
> > The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
> > Paddy,
> > so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent
> > the
> > number 100."
> > Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
> > and
> > makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One
> > hundred."
> >
> >
> > The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
> > represents a hundred!"
> > Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and
> > whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
> > So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
> > tree
> > and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!" ;D ;D ;D
> >
> >
> > Paddy is the new supervisor.

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on May 27, 2009, 09:03:07 PM
a man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force
the seargent doing the interview says,"your qualifications all look good
but there is a attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted"
then sliding a pistol across the desk ,he says,"take this pistol, go out & shoot 6 illegal immigrants,
6 drug dealers,6 muslim extremists,& a rabbit"
"why the rabbit"?
"great attitude" says the seargent,"when can you start"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: ted on May 28, 2009, 08:13:08 PM
(http://i582.photobucket.com/albums/ss270/ted84photos/th_cameltoe.jpg) (http://s582.photobucket.com/albums/ss270/ted84photos/?action=view&current=cameltoe.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Lozza on May 28, 2009, 09:23:44 PM
Good EBAY AD (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/200SX-S13-TRAMP-DRIFT-RACE-TRACK-DAY-JAP-TURBO-PROJECT_W0QQitemZ110389739098QQcmdZViewItemQQptZAutomobiles_UK?hash=item110389739098&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=72%3A1683%7C66%3A2%7C65%3A12%7C39%3A1%7C240%3A1318%7C301%3A1%7C293%3A1%7C294%3A50)  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 28, 2009, 09:44:50 PM
An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

Not all Seniors Are Senile ;D

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 29, 2009, 09:52:16 AM
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
       
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.     
                                     
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're     
really doing great, aren't you?'
                                         
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be   
cheerful.''       
                                                       
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;   
be careful.' 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TC91 on May 29, 2009, 05:52:14 PM
A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up and down & nipples sticking out in the cold. His colleagues have kicked his f!@#ng head in!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on June 01, 2009, 12:09:01 PM
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!



An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."


 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, th e Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
 


 

 
 

 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 01, 2009, 01:11:04 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/roll-1.gif)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on June 01, 2009, 09:27:26 PM
:D :D :D :D ;D :D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on June 02, 2009, 07:18:09 AM
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!



An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."


 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, th e Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.


The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
 


 

 
 

 




Being half Irish and Blonde,  DJ better stay away from the kitchen.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on June 02, 2009, 02:10:48 PM



 

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,  And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied
 
Jane explained to him what sex was.
 
Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.


Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for ?
 

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.' ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

I have DECIDED that this is My favourite OZ VMX FORUM SECTION :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D endless laughter, and "no bad hair day" forum user's

Ditto :D ;D :D ;D

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
 

 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mainline on June 02, 2009, 07:04:48 PM
New Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn

BBQ RULES 


It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.  When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: 


Routine...   
(1)   The woman buys the food.   
(2)   The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..   
(3)   The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.   
(4)   The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. 


Here comes the important part:

 
(5)   THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.   
More routine...   
(6)   The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.   
(7)   The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat   
Important again:   
8   THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.   
More routine...   
(9)   The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.   
(10)   After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.   
And most important of all:   
(11)   Everyone   PRAISES   the   MAN   and   THANKS HIM   for his cooking efforts.   
(12)   The man asks the woman how she enjoyed '   her night off   ',   and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on June 02, 2009, 10:09:57 PM
Franks new tee ;D ;D ;D


keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on June 03, 2009, 10:47:52 AM
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
of  first graders using a bowl of   lifesavers.                 


The children began to identify the flavors by their color:


Red.......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange................ Orange




Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. 
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.


'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. 
 It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 
 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes!'  ;D ;D ;D ;D

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
 
 
 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 211kawasaki on June 03, 2009, 02:08:14 PM
Two gay guys living together in a house

The hous catches fire and the to guys run to escape the flames.

The question is.

Which gay guy escapes the fore first? Is it the one who takes it or the one who gives it?












Correct, its the one who takes it cos he's always got his shit packed and is ready to go.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on June 03, 2009, 03:34:43 PM
What do you never say in a gay bar?..................................could someone push my stool in
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Quicksilver on June 03, 2009, 03:48:59 PM


 Testicle Therapy



                 Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
                 horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
                 playing the next hole.

                 The ball hit one of the men.

                 He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
                 fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
                 agony.

                 The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
                 began to apologize.  'Please allow me to help. I'm a
                 Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
                 allow me, she told him.

                 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
                 man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
                 still clasping his hands there at his groin.

                  At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
                 She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
                 loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

                 She administered tender and artful massage for several
                 long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

                 He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on June 03, 2009, 05:20:55 PM

Q. How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A. Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Q. What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A. They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q. Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A. Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

Q.  Why'd the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A.  She kept throwing out all the W's.

Q.  How do blond brain cells die?
A.  Alone.

Q.    Five blondes are facing execution, a rocket scientist, a historian, a bimbo, and a mathematician.  They are each hit with one bullet but, only one bleeds, which one?     
A.    The bimbo, you have to be real to bleed.

Q. How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A. Wave

Q. What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A. They both have black roots.

Q. What does a blonde owl say?
A. What, what?

Q. Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A. They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q. What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A. A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A. They both drip when they're forked.

Q. How would a blond punctuate the following?. "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q. Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A. It swells at night.

Q. A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A. The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

 
Q. How do you get 4 Gay blokes on a chair.

A. Turn it upside down

Q. How do you know when its bedtime at Michael Jacksons House

A. When the little hand touches the big hand







Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on June 03, 2009, 05:30:07 PM
Geez ..........there is some sick jokes out there  ;)   :D   ;D  :D
cheers
Thank f,,,,  I'm not a blond or a redhead  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on June 03, 2009, 07:45:41 PM


How can you tell if your sister has slept with an elephant?

When she sits on a bar stool and slides down. ??? ;D :D ;D :D

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on June 04, 2009, 10:19:36 AM
WHAT DO YOU CALL4 BLONDES IN A ROW? A WIND TUNNEL
WHAT DO BLONDES USE FOR PROTECTION DURING SEX ? A CAR
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on June 04, 2009, 12:06:16 PM
a blonde walks into a bar
theres a guy sitting there watching  the news on the big screen
it's breaking news!,theres a "jumper"
$5 says he jumps,said the guy to the blonde
$10 says he dosen't ,said the blonde
the guy jumps!!
bugger says the blonde
guys says nah,can't take your money,saw it on ealier news break!
blonde says,so did i!!,but i didn't think he'd jump twice!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on June 04, 2009, 02:58:33 PM
Geez ..........there is some sick jokes out there  ;)   :D   ;D  :D
cheers
Thank f,,,,  I'm not a blond or a redhead  ;D

I second that ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Keep Smling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 04, 2009, 03:14:30 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_vid-o_drole_new.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=vid-o_drole_new.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on June 04, 2009, 03:39:56 PM
Q: What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

A: Roberto.



Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"

"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"

"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."



Q: What has an old lady got between her breasts that a young one doesn't?

A: Her belly button.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 04, 2009, 05:00:27 PM
For real or photoshopped? ;D

I think the woman in front thinks it's a 'Minties' moment.

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/13162745.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on June 04, 2009, 05:09:52 PM
Abloke walks into a bar and orders a beer and sculls it down ,then orders another and down again. the barman notices this and says whats up? the bloke says i ahve just had my first headjob~. the barman says here a scotch is better than a beer.the bloke says good ,will tthat get the taste out?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on June 04, 2009, 11:05:00 PM
AN asian woman goes into her local NAB branch & begins exchanging her money
after the transaction is complete,she asks the teller,"Why it change?,yesterday i get two hunat dolla
for  my money,today i only get one hunat eighty?
the teller looks over his glasses,& says very slowly,"fluctuations"
the asian women narrows her eyes & says,"fluck you aussies too!!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on June 04, 2009, 11:42:49 PM
Thanks MX250 ,that was a nice/different change  ;D
Things companies do for kicks  :o
cheers
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Quicksilver on June 05, 2009, 01:05:59 PM
 Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
 asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?

 Mum said . YOU should say "no" - they only want to look at your knickers

 Susie said I know they do "that's why I hide them in my bag"!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 09, 2009, 09:11:33 AM
Welcome to parenthood!!!!  ;) ;D

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_WHYWASTEATANTRUMIFNOONECANSEEYOU.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view&current=WHYWASTEATANTRUMIFNOONECANSEEYOU.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on June 10, 2009, 08:21:50 AM
(http://[url=http://[URL=http://s146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/?action-view&current=Australian_tourist_promo__2.flv][IMG]http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/th_Australian_tourist_promo__2.jpg)](http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/th_Australian_tourist_promo__2.jpg) (http://s146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/?action=view&current=Australian_tourist_promo__2.flv)[/url][/img]
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on June 10, 2009, 07:03:17 PM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstratedthat if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria   
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
               
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, ;D ;D ;D
Than to drink water and be full of shit.  :D ;D :D

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!  ;)

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac


 

Title: re ,funnies/jokes
Post by: matcho mick on June 10, 2009, 10:38:08 PM
Lawrence Livermore Laborities have made a startling discovery ,a new element,"Governmentium"

the new element governmentium (Gv)has one neutron,25 assistant neutrons,88 deputy assistant neutrons,& 198 deputy assistant neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312
these 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,which are surrounded by lepton- like particles called peons
since governmentium has no electrons,it is inert,however,it can be detected
since it impedes every reaction in which it comes into contact.
a tiny amount of governmentium can cause a reaction that normally would take less than a few seconds,but will take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
governmentium has a normal half life of 2-6 years,it does not decay,but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a proportion of the assistant neutrons & deputy neutrons exchange places.
in fact,Governmentiums mass will actually over time increase,since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons,forming isodopes.
this characteristic of moron promotions leads some scientists to believe that governmentium is formed whenever  morons reach a critical concentration.
this hypothetical quantity is  referred to as critical morass,but not hyporthetical is the location of governmentium,deposits found in every state capital,& a mother lode in Canberra
when catalyzed with money,governmentium becomes administratium,an element that radiates just as much energy as governmentium since it has half as many peons,but twice as many morons.

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on June 10, 2009, 10:52:23 PM
How the heck did you add a new topic/heading to the funnies/jokes section  ???
    
subject, new discovery, the heaviest element known to science

I seriously have to give up red wine  8)
cheers
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on June 10, 2009, 11:20:59 PM
ooops ???(easy burbon,not merlo)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: drbob67 on June 12, 2009, 12:11:04 PM
http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing.aspx?id=223309871
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on June 13, 2009, 06:50:52 PM
Good laugh, by the way dont type in worlds biggest zit on youtube like the seller suggests :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 13, 2009, 07:27:12 PM
A man walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar,  turns to the astonished patrons....

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 

'Then he'll open his mouth & I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval....

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, & placed his manhood and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth. The crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer...
 
 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.........

'I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!' ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on June 13, 2009, 07:31:48 PM
Mate of mine wanted to train as a Dentist but he was too short so he trained as a Gynocoligist  ;D
The up side is he can change light bulbs in his hallway through the letter box  :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on June 13, 2009, 07:36:58 PM
Bloke kills a Dear brings it home and cooks it , kids ask dad whats this ? dad gives a clue "its what Mum calls me sometimes "

Kid Crys ! "dont eat it  its a forking arsehole "
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 15, 2009, 01:43:34 PM
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 19, 2009, 09:59:56 AM
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN.

1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
 
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
 
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
 
4. A dog's parents never visit.
 
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
 
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell them.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of the ute.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 19, 2009, 10:28:59 AM

The lesbians next door to me, gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me, when I said I wanna watch.

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 23, 2009, 09:37:27 PM
    Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.

    This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

    While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the
    instructor declare "it is essential that husbands and wives know the things
    that are important to each other."

    He addressed the men, "Can each of you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

    Tony reached over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered "Self-raising, isn't it?"

    Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.  ;D


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 24, 2009, 05:47:52 PM
Reasons to Allow Drinking at Work

Try these out on your boss ;) ;D

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even

be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If someone does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Lozza on June 25, 2009, 08:30:11 AM
DUMB BLONDE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEP7uti0PDw)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 25, 2009, 09:46:02 AM
There are seven types of sex........

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... 'F... You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ....

The 7th kind of sex is called .... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
 
I have enough problems of my own !!! ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 25, 2009, 03:57:58 PM
AUSTRALIA'S MEDICARE
 

A couple in their seventies went to a s*x therapist's office in Melbourne.  The doctor asked, 'What can I do for you?' The old man said, 'Will you watch us have s*x?' The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple had finished, the doctor said, 'There's nothing wrong with the way you have s*x,' and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have s*x with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, 'Just exactly what are you trying to find out?'
The old man said, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.   The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $170.  We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Is Australia great or what?' ;) ;D

 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: All Things 414 on June 26, 2009, 09:44:55 AM
Being made almost entirely of plastic, Micheal Jackson's will states that his body is to be melted down into a play-station so as some child can still play with him......
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 26, 2009, 10:42:42 AM
Being made almost entirely of plastic, Micheal Jackson's will states that his body is to be melted down into a play-station so as some child can still play with him......
Gee Ross, you are as fast off the line as a 414 ;D

.....and Wikipedia :P.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Jackson
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: All Things 414 on June 26, 2009, 12:05:09 PM
Yes Graeme. It's the quick and the............er dead. :-\
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mainline on June 26, 2009, 03:26:26 PM
McDonalds have released a commemorative burger – The McJackson

A 50 yr old piece of aged albino meat between two 8 yr old buns……..
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mainline on June 26, 2009, 03:27:32 PM
(http://i300.photobucket.com/albums/nn38/mainline_bucket/doglook.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on June 26, 2009, 05:13:13 PM
the latest on michael jackson he did not die from a heart attack- food poisoning was the cause. something to do with chewing on 12 yr old nuts!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: All Things 414 on June 26, 2009, 05:21:26 PM
He has to stay at the morge until next Thursday.

Wait for it.........






That's plastic recycling day! ;D :o
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: gator on June 26, 2009, 05:33:24 PM
Racing Victoria will ask all jockey's to wear black armband's tomorrow in memory of michael jackson;as he rode more 3 yr olds than all of them put together :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: gator on June 26, 2009, 05:40:34 PM
When Farrah Fawcett arrived in heaven god granted her 1 wish.She wished for all the children to be safe.SO GOD killed Michael jackson ;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on June 26, 2009, 05:50:23 PM
Graeme you missed rodeo sex- giving it to your missus doggie style,then telling her ,her sister was better and trying to hang on!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: DJRacing on June 26, 2009, 06:28:29 PM
Apparantly they have crossed michael Jacksons DNA with Arnold Shwartzenegers and made a Michael wasanigger
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: DJRacing on June 26, 2009, 06:30:47 PM
When the ambos arrived Michael Jackson was blowing Bubbles ,

the Monkey is in a stable condition
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: DJRacing on June 26, 2009, 06:32:49 PM
Michael Jackson didn't die of a heart attack  :o

He had a stroke in the childrens ward
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 26, 2009, 06:39:10 PM
We need jokes like this to keep things in proportion. The media is in a frenzy -  they are competing to come up with superlatives. May he rest in peace but Whacko Jacko sums it up.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Lozza on June 26, 2009, 06:58:34 PM
Got the first Jacko text at 9.30am ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on June 26, 2009, 07:11:21 PM
ebay's gonna make another killin  ::)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: gator on June 26, 2009, 07:45:20 PM
Michael jackson on his death bed requested that his ashes be packaged into a box of rice bubbles; so he can have the feeling of going through a 10 year old's ars one more time! :D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on June 28, 2009, 09:04:56 PM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle...

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . ... .


Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
 ;D ;D :D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 29, 2009, 01:45:53 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/nswrl.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/nswrl2.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/nswrl3.jpg) :( >:( :-[ :-\ :'(
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 29, 2009, 11:08:21 PM
A whale's revenge on the Japs????

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_Kayak.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view&current=Kayak.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 29, 2009, 11:10:29 PM
This is a pissa ;) ;D

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_VotedBestBeerCommercialoftheYear.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view&current=VotedBestBeerCommercialoftheYear.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 30, 2009, 08:53:13 PM
I dare you to pull this practical joke on ya wife.....

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_DareIfUCanDoThisToYourWife-1.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view&current=DareIfUCanDoThisToYourWife-1.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 02, 2009, 10:35:32 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRZw-UOIGyI&feature=player_embedded  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 02, 2009, 12:51:04 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IJBbtkBMMs
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on July 02, 2009, 10:05:24 PM
 Summer Classes for Men at   

THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, July 31st 2009 

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
 
Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
   
Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
   
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
   
Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
 
Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
   
Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
   
Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
   
Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined
   
Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
   
Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
 
Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
   
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
   
 :D ;D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D ;D :D ;D ;D :D ;D
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on July 02, 2009, 10:54:58 PM
jackiemac-----
Class 14---------- no survivor's
but hey who's judge 'n     ;D   ;)   :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 02, 2009, 11:00:21 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/beatdeadhorse.gif)Must be a 'girl thing', ::) :P ;) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on July 02, 2009, 11:05:24 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/beatdeadhorse.gif)Must be a 'girl thing', ::) :P ;) ;D


Now that MX250 is a waste of good meat----put the cow in the freezer---go country  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 03, 2009, 12:55:21 AM
Talk about the bleating obvious. You would wonder why some people would waste the time and paper ::) ;D

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/goodwife.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 03, 2009, 12:55:51 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Y0I91rubg
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 03, 2009, 12:56:54 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kmuqq729DPM&feature=related
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on July 03, 2009, 09:38:59 AM
Jackie, above course is not required as i am married and it is part of her job description ie wife -washing,ironing,food entertainment.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: suzuki27 on July 04, 2009, 04:31:26 PM
I am going to watch my wedding video later in reverse.
I love the part where she takes her ring off, walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and forks off.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on July 07, 2009, 01:43:33 PM
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the  Connor   Pass. 

At the  Connor   Pass  , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

 :D ;D :D

THERE'S MORE.............
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET................
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

the end  :D :D
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 07, 2009, 02:15:44 PM



     
    Zen Teachings

    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
    Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
    Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.
    In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

    2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

    3. No one is listening until you fart.

    4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

    5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

    7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

    11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

    12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

    13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

    14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

    15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

    17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

    18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

    20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
     
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 08, 2009, 08:31:11 AM
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.  He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.  He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ... I'm married to his freakin' widow."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 10, 2009, 06:33:54 AM
Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead  a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
 
"Ok."  I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked. :o ::) ;D

 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 10, 2009, 06:34:54 AM
Middle aged women shouldn't.............

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_VideoClips-MiddleAgedWomenShouldSta.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view&current=VideoClips-MiddleAgedWomenShouldSta.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on July 10, 2009, 08:56:37 AM
Condom Factory burns down in Australia!
 
Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

“Kevin, it’s the health Minister here.   Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!!!    I've just received word that the Durex factory in Sydney has burned to the ground.   It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week!”

PM: “sh*t!!!  - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies -  we'll be ruined!!” 

Health Minister: “We're going to have to ship some in from....Britain?”


PM: “No  chance!! The Poms will have a field day on this one!!”


Health Minister: “What about South Africa ?”

PM: “I'll  call SA - tell them we need ten million condoms;   ten inches long and eight inches thick!!   That way they'll continue to respect the wallabies!”

Three days later a delighted Kevin rushes out to open  the boxes.
He finds ten million condoms, 10 inches long, 8  inches thick, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one...

      MADE IN  South Africa
              - SIZE:  Small
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 10, 2009, 09:30:09 PM
Do you think this would make the mother-in-law less likely or more likely to visit? ;D

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_motherinlawwelcome.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view&current=motherinlawwelcome.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on July 13, 2009, 10:58:14 AM
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a
beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Seth Efrika
our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one
twice," he says.

The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "Wull
mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't
need to drink out the same glass either," he says.

The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it,throws
His glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and
the Kiwi.

He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so
many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 13, 2009, 06:21:28 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_TrojanAd.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view&current=TrojanAd.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 13, 2009, 06:24:35 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/gview.png)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/gview2.png)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/gview3.png)

What were you thinking? ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on July 15, 2009, 05:43:37 PM
 

Today's lesson






Daddy's car in the woods?

 


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the
school playground and go into the woods.Curious,
he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could
hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was
at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then
he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane
helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny,
this is such an interesting story, lets save the
rest of it for supper time..I want to see the
look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked
little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started
his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I
went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a
big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started
doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill
used to do when Daddy was away on the oil
rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt! :D :D :D ;D ;D ;D
 

 
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on July 15, 2009, 05:47:59 PM
 
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,
 
 
 "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"


 Keep Smiling :)
 Jackie Mac


 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 15, 2009, 06:29:24 PM
Dave and his buddies were discussing an upcoming week end away of VMX racing and camping.
Unfortunately, Dave had to tell them that he couldn't go this time
because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name
calling, Dave headed home, frustrated.
 
The following day when Dave's buddies arrived at the track to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Dave... He was already sitting at the
campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, bike unpacked and ready to race, and
a camp fire glowing.
 
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
 
"I didn't have to," Dave replied. "Last night when I left our meeting, I
went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.
Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
'Surprise'."
 
"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me
to the bed and you can do whatever you want!'
 
"Sooooo, HERE I AM!!" ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on July 15, 2009, 07:29:13 PM
This may or may not have been done yet and I don't want to look through 30 odd pages to find out so here we go.

 It is a one word answere.

Q - What is - more evil than the devil
                - holier than God
                - the rich have it
                - the poor want it
                - and if you eat it you will die?

Someone has surely heard it.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on July 15, 2009, 07:40:06 PM
Correction.

The Poor have it &
The Rich want it

Lucky I showed the Leader of the Opposition.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on July 16, 2009, 03:02:01 PM
whats the answer Curly3 ??????????????????



It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

 Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs. 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on July 16, 2009, 09:03:27 PM
I'll leave it out there a bit longer just to keep everyone in suspenders.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on July 18, 2009, 01:06:03 AM
 
Just love this - saw it on Facebook
 
 
 
World's Shortest Fairy Tale
 
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
 
The end
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: bigk on July 18, 2009, 08:41:09 AM
The local hairdresser broke her leg the other day. She can only cut hair on crutches now.
Cheers,
K
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shoey on July 18, 2009, 09:18:01 AM
I remember that fairlytale Rossco , I lived that one for many years (minus the golf)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on July 18, 2009, 09:46:06 AM
I remember that fairlytale Rossco , I lived that one for many years (minus the golf)

Like all good fairy tales, it comes to an end :'( :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on July 18, 2009, 08:55:57 PM
www.brainsweb.co.uk/uploads/the-wrong-bike.wmv
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Viper666 on July 21, 2009, 02:57:09 PM
The answer Curly3 is NOTHING
and wouldn't it be

The rich want FOR it? As they want for nothing
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on July 21, 2009, 05:24:25 PM
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now.... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. ???

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."  ::)

 ;D :D ;D ;D


Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on July 21, 2009, 05:36:19 PM
Good one Viper666.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 22, 2009, 09:05:55 AM
Good one Jackie ;D ;D ;D ;D.

Why dogs are more desirable than children............

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/dogcouch.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/kidspaint.jpg)

.....you can always shot the dog ;) ;D.

(I hope that was acrylic paint ::))
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 23, 2009, 02:31:11 PM
All very funny unless your name is Ainsley Harriott :-[.

(A real life Irish blooper I'm lead to believe ::))

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/fork.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on July 28, 2009, 07:07:47 AM
3 women, an Aussie a Kiwi and an Aboriginal give birth at the same time in hospital and the midwives forget to put name tags on each of the newborns amidst all the confusion.

The doctors come in and tell the women who are devasted but must make a descision who takes what baby home. They give the Aussie first choice and as she ponders over the babies she look to the little aboriginal baby and says I'll take home this  beautiful little aboriginal baby,.

The doctors are confused and say but you have a choice of two white babies, why would you pick the beautiful little aboriginal baby, to which she replies, no way am I gonna risk raising a Kiwi :o :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Rosco400 on July 28, 2009, 07:10:06 AM
Whats GAY stands for?

Got Aids Yet
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: bigk on July 29, 2009, 09:47:21 AM
This is so bad, it's GOOD...... read on.

Bloody hell. Aborigines in Darwin have pooled all their $900 stimulus payments from Kevin Rudd, formed a corporate and are buying up heaps of land in Thailand. Apparantly they're all going to move there and become Thai-coons!
Cheers,
K
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on July 29, 2009, 01:45:56 PM
Q- What does AIDS stand For?

A- Anally Injected Death Sentence.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: suzuki27 on July 29, 2009, 05:26:55 PM
How does a homosexual fake an orgasm?
He spits on his mates back.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on July 29, 2009, 09:07:24 PM
What was Michael Jackson's favourite TV show.


Cum on Kids.


Sick, I know.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldskool on July 29, 2009, 09:48:58 PM
michael jackson actaully died from a hairball.....he got it from blowin bubbles............................................new mcdonalds burger,tribute to michael jackson the mc jacko        50 year old meat between 10 year old buns................he also had an album called bad,the only reason he called it bad was he couldnt spell pathetic.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 31, 2009, 04:17:53 PM
Doctors Never Laugh

 ...the Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

 'Okay then,' Jerry said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.
 It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

 Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his
 feet and regain his composure.

 'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
 happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

 'It's swollen,' Jerry  replied.  ;D ;D ;D ;D




 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on July 31, 2009, 04:31:25 PM
I wonder if there are any Jerry's amongst us?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 03, 2009, 12:42:44 PM
Not so fun but rather 'feel good' ;) :).

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/th_SWA.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/?action=view&current=SWA.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: lukeb1961 on August 03, 2009, 05:46:46 PM
A Tale of Two Brains...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-iK8KmqNsg

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on August 03, 2009, 09:38:37 PM
Love the Doctors never laugh joke MX250  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D keep them coming  :D


Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on August 03, 2009, 09:44:59 PM

> > At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger
>
> > congregation that will pay him more.
> >
> > There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because
>
> > he is so popular.

> > Ian Follings, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago,
> > stands up and proclaims: 'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a
> > new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
> > their children!'

> > The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

> > Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If
> > the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
> > establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of
> > his children!'

> > More sighs and loud applause.

> > Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Vicar
> > stays, I will give him sex.'

> > There is total silence.

> > The Preacher, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy
>
> > lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

> > Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
> > forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
>
> > while his wife replies: 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
> > and he said, 'fork him'. :D ;D :D ;D :D


Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on August 05, 2009, 07:50:09 PM


A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.
 'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bull bars at the front of my
 ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out.'

 The manager says,'Ok, there's a ...303 Rifle behind the seat. Take it; shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove
him.'

 Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from
the bull-bar. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

 'What's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motorbike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch.'

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac

 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 06, 2009, 06:02:02 AM
  Who is your real friend?
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002111.jpg)


If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 06, 2009, 06:03:30 AM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/th_GETOUTOFMYCAR-1.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/?action=view&current=GETOUTOFMYCAR-1.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 06, 2009, 06:04:12 AM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/th_TatooRemover.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/?action=view&current=TatooRemover.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 11, 2009, 10:14:15 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/catdog.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: lukeb1961 on August 12, 2009, 08:11:47 AM
note the 1900  telephone number.  ;D    ka..ching!!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 12, 2009, 06:56:46 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_TrojanAd.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view&current=TrojanAd.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Mick D on August 17, 2009, 06:27:54 PM
THREE THINGS A KIWI WILL TELL YA!
I tried out for the "All Blacks".
My mother was a Maori Princess.
No, I was only helping it through the fence.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on August 19, 2009, 05:35:45 PM

?
 
?
 
The love story of Ralph and Edna...
?

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.? Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.? One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool.? Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.?

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.? She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.? When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.? The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.? I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.? I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


?

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.? How soon can I go home?' :D ;D :D ;D :D

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac



 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on August 21, 2009, 06:46:39 PM


A young boy comes down for breakfast.


Since they live on a farm, his mother asks

If he has done his chores.


'Not yet,' said the little boy.


His mother tells him no breakfast until he

Does his chores.


Well, he's a little ticked off, so when he

Feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.
When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.
When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his

Mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.


'How come I don't get any eggs and

Bacon, and why don't I have any milk in

My cereal?' he asks.


'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a

Chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a

Week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't

Get any bacon for a week either. I saw you

Kick the cow so for a week you aren't

Getting any milk.'


Just then, his father comes down for

Breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across

The kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a

Smile, and says, 'You gonna tell him or

Should I?'
 
 
Keeo Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: cyclegod on August 24, 2009, 03:53:45 PM
Here's a "TASTY" RG500.... ;D

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/LUCKY-STRIKE-RG500-1985_W0QQitemZ260466961188QQcmdZViewItemQQptZAU_Motorcycles?hash=item3ca50a6b24&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: YZ250H on August 24, 2009, 05:43:41 PM
Does that mean it's already been digested once ?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 27, 2009, 10:03:04 AM
It's a dogs life, woof ;) :D ;D.

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_GravityBackScratcher2.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view&current=GravityBackScratcher2.flv)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_gooddog.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view&current=gooddog.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on August 27, 2009, 07:04:43 PM
(http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_1WaO1OGuwzI/SpYjZJ5E9kI/AAAAAAAALVY/NHoHBTxiME8/s1600/spacer.gif)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on August 29, 2009, 09:13:25 PM
It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.
 
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent..... ....... ....... 12 Calories
Without her consent..... ......... ...... 387 Calories
 
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands....... ....... ...... 8 Calories
With one hand........ ......... ......... 22 Calories
With your teeth....... ......... ........ 85 Calories
 
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection.... ....... ....... ... 6 Calories
Without an erection.... ......... ....... 315 Calories
 
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris.... ....... . 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot...... ........ 192 Calories
 
POSITIONS:
Missionary.. ......... ......... ....... . 112 Calories
69 lying down........ ......... ......... . 178 Calories
69 standing up.......... ......... ...... 312 Calories
Wheelbarrow. ........ ........ ......... 386 Calories
Doggy Style....... ......... ........ .... 400 Calories
Italian chandelier.. ........ ......... . 972 Calories
 
ORGASM
Real........ ........ ........ ......... 112 Calories
Fake........ ......... ......... ........ 315 Calories
 
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging..... ........ ..... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately. ......... ....... 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately. .....816 Calories
 
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years old......... ......... ...... 36 Calories
30-39 years....... ........ ....... .... 80 Calories
40-49 years....... ......... ......... ... 124 Calories
50-59 years....... ......... ......... .... 972 Calories
60-69 years....... ......... ......... .... 2916 Calories
70 and over........ ....... ......... .. Results are still pending
 
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly...... ......... ......... ......... 32 Calories
In a hurry....... ......... ......... .... 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 03, 2009, 03:10:43 PM
Apple does it  again..
Apple Computer announced today that it  has developed a computer chip
that can store and  play high fidelity music in women's  breast
implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and  $699.00 depending on  speaker size.

This  is considered to be a  major breakthrough because women have
always complained about men staring at  their breasts and not
listening  to them.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mainline on September 08, 2009, 08:02:05 PM
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood
Pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably,
The husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on September 08, 2009, 09:16:28 PM
Apple does it  again..
Apple Computer announced today that it  has developed a computer chip
that can store and  play high fidelity music in women's  breast
implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and  $699.00 depending on  speaker size.
This  is considered to be a  major breakthrough because women have
always complained about men staring at  their breasts and not
listening  to them.

an old one-but now I realize why some men are half deaf   ;)  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Wombat on September 13, 2009, 01:22:21 PM
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered...transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father...

Fellas... just the men here... you know how we squeeze the car between the kerb and the stationary truck in front - without touching either?
You know how we sit (frustrated) behind the woman in front who won't move forward despite having a good half metre either side between truck and kerb?
Well, that's one of the differences between the two sexes. Or three sexes if we include the South African runner...

Anyway, my point is that we men are fully aware a watermelon won't fit through the garden hose... so we don't even try it.
Women on the other hand... ::)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on September 13, 2009, 07:50:35 PM
Yes Wombat, its a crazy world we score the watermelon and you score the world of dirt bikes    ;)   ::)   ;D  I know who got the best deal  ;D
cheers
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on September 13, 2009, 07:59:11 PM
ok while we're on this subject ;)

 a notable gynecologist stated
The best engine in the world is the vagina
It can be started with one finger
It's self lubricating
It takes any size piston
And it changes it's oil every 4 weeks
It's only a pity that the EPU  is so f***ing tempermental
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on September 13, 2009, 08:01:12 PM
ok while we're on this subject ;)

 a notable gynecologist stated
The best engine in the world is the vagina
It can be started with one finger
It's self lubricating
It takes any size piston
And it changes it's oil every 4 weeks
It's only a pity that the EPU  is so f***ing tempermental


some models should have never been made  ;)  :D
cheers
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 17, 2009, 10:21:11 PM
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year, I told him!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot..
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 23, 2009, 09:18:30 PM
Want an argument do ya?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on September 23, 2009, 09:58:37 PM
http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f128/annaandnathan/15f3cl2.jpg
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: lukeb1961 on September 26, 2009, 10:46:01 AM
Want an argument do ya?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y

it's a fair cop!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 28, 2009, 12:55:47 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image001-1.jpg) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on September 28, 2009, 02:53:33 PM
 ;D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on September 28, 2009, 02:54:52 PM
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a Draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man.
'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks.
Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied To the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all Night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, Sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'
'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender.
'Was she pretty?'
'Dunno...Never found the head!'

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 28, 2009, 03:22:03 PM
You're a sick puppy Jackie  ::) ;D.

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 29, 2009, 09:51:56 AM

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15:  Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2:  Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7:  He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19:  Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away'.  This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4:  Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14:  Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15:  Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if; they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23:  When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..

9. September 4:  Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10:  While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3:  In dark sunglasses he darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6:  Repeated his June 15th condom trick with a new twist; he added Depends and a personal lubricant to everyone’s carts.

13. October 18:  Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21:  When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23:  Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!  There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 29, 2009, 01:48:44 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image003.jpg) ;) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 30, 2009, 04:27:32 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image004.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 01, 2009, 07:24:42 AM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image005.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 02, 2009, 07:33:19 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image006.jpg) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hoony on October 03, 2009, 05:40:10 PM
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
 
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: k2000x on October 04, 2009, 09:12:45 AM
an eskimos holidaying in new zealand, his car brakes down so the kiwi looks under the bonnet and say" bro ya blown a seal" the eskimo says so what mate you f@#k sheep
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on October 04, 2009, 07:45:55 PM
How do you catch a Polar Bear?
Cut a hole in the Ice and put peas around it.
When he comes up for a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
You should be on the stage Graeme?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jimson on October 04, 2009, 08:12:12 PM
You blokes want a joke I went to the dentist on friday I'm sitting in his chair with that this is gunner hurt feeling  :'( he has a look say's something about root canal and $2500 lucky I was sitting down anyways how much to pull it out then he said I'll have to take two out $340 so okay I count the cash in the wallet I've got $360 on me and I'm in pain go ahead. He digs in takes a hour and half streaches my mouth that much that he splits my lip in the corner digs around has great difficulty in pulling the basteds out cuts them in half to have a better go at it. He gets there in the end then has to go back and stich the big hole he's made & says I should charge you $708 bucks for the time it took  :o  ::)  :-\  jimson
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on October 07, 2009, 11:35:36 AM
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only Bultaco rider in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and flirting...

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said:
'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 09, 2009, 10:41:20 AM
http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/?action=view&current=cinderblocks.jpg

Oh dear, someone is having a bad day.

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/cinderblocks.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on October 09, 2009, 10:46:15 AM
reminds me of truckie's 2way radio conversation on the Nullabor.  ;D
cheers
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 09, 2009, 12:19:32 PM
reminds me of truckie's 2way radio conversation on the Nullabor.  ;D
cheers
The content or the choice of words? :o
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on October 09, 2009, 12:38:31 PM
reminds me of truckie's 2way radio conversation on the Nullabor.  ;D
cheers
The content or the choice of words? :o

both kinda  8) they where discussing the gas/air styles of the driver seats in trucks. :-\....Well it is a long drive and these things are important  ;D
cheers
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 09, 2009, 01:27:50 PM
When they miniaturize it it will be a great innovation for your pacemaker.

http://vodpod.com/watch/1257043-lewrockwell-com-blog
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mike1948 on October 09, 2009, 05:41:08 PM
I have felt that way in the past!
Mike
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 12, 2009, 03:47:15 PM
Has a certain VMX flavour ::)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image007.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 15, 2009, 03:49:25 PM
There were probably many, many times over the last year or so

when I MAY have disturbed you, troubled you,

pestered you, irritated you, bugged you, or got

on your nerves with posts here that I think are funny.

Some think this is inappropriate for a VMX orientated forum :P.

So today I just wanted to tell you.........

          <>

          <>

               <> 


(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002-1.jpg)

Tough Titties, Cupcake!

There are NO changes planned!

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 15, 2009, 03:50:13 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image009.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on October 15, 2009, 06:59:25 PM
You should be on the stage Graeme.
The first one out of town.
You're on fire.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on October 15, 2009, 08:21:06 PM
I just noticed that he started this thread.
Say no more.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on October 15, 2009, 09:05:57 PM
I just noticed that he started this thread.
Say no more.

MX250's just trying to get the holshot on DJ's thread pages  ;)   ;D
Bring it on MX250  8)

http://ozvmx.com/community/index.php?topic=971.0
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 15, 2009, 09:09:50 PM
I just noticed that he started this thread.
Say no more.

MX250's just trying to get the holshot on DJ's thread pages  ;)   ;D
Bring it on MX250  8)

http://ozvmx.com/community/index.php?topic=971.0
Holeshot :o. DJ has pulled the holeshot and bolted :-[. This is more like the Paris to Dakar ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 15, 2009, 09:12:02 PM
.....especially for Hornet and Allison ;) :D ;D

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image008.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on October 15, 2009, 09:13:40 PM
He's in for the long haul.
This is survivor funnies.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on October 15, 2009, 09:20:34 PM
.....especially for Hornet and Allison ;) :D ;D


Any more of the above cleaning pics and there will be extra pages of abuse and your Paris to Dakar win will be locked up. ;)   :D   ;D ..(geez ya lucky its a joke page)  ;)   :D
did I just bite  :-X
Isn't it time MX250 to walk your Husky Montessa   ;D
cheers
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on October 15, 2009, 09:25:05 PM
I hate Cats, but I'd adopt that "TOM".
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on October 15, 2009, 09:42:37 PM
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/jerry.gif)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on October 19, 2009, 10:13:00 PM
an 70 year old cowboy sat down & ordered a cup of coffee at his local starbucks
as he sat sipping his coffee a young woman sat down next to him.
she turned to the cowboy & asked " are you a real cowboy?"
he replied," well, i've spent my whole life breaking colts,working cattle,going to redeos,fixing fences,pulling calves,baling hay,doctoring calves,cleaning my barn,fixing flats ,working on tractors,and feeding my dogs,so i guess i'm a cowboy"
she said,'i'm a lesbian!,i spend all day thinking about naked women,as soon as i get up in the morning i think about naked women,when i shower i think about naked women,when i watch tv i think about naked women,It seems everything makes me think about naked women"
   the two sat sipping in silence
a little while later,a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,"are you a real cowboy"
He replied,"i always thought i was!,but today i just found out,i'm a lesbian!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on October 21, 2009, 10:54:50 AM
:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 21, 2009, 12:33:34 PM
John was in the fertilized egg business.  He had several hundred young layers
(hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.  He kept
records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time,  so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters.  Each bell had a different tone,  so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.  Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an
efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning
he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!  When he went to investigate, he
saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,  bells-a-ringing, but the
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.  To John's amazement,
old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up on a
pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch,  he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.  The result was the
judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded
him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.  Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet
by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they
weren't paying attention.

 ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on October 21, 2009, 01:03:13 PM
Thats brilliant  ;D :D, keep them coming:D ;D

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on October 21, 2009, 11:11:38 PM
3 aboriginals are sitting at the local shops in Meekatharra

The first bloke says to his mate “Hey Jeffry wat land ya gonna buy with your money from da government?”

Jeffrey says “ I’m gonna buy Arnom land, dat’s good land up der bloke”

Then Jeffry says to Lewis “ Hey Lewis, what land you gonna buy?”

Lewis says “ I’m gonna buy Gibson land…. Nice place round dere Eh?

Then Lewis says to Neville “Ai! Neville wat land you gonna buy there bloke?”

Neville replys “ I’m gonna buy LIQUOR LAND”  :D ;D

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac

 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on October 28, 2009, 10:15:32 AM
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive

woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and


said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.


She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and

Decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for


a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.


The note read:


"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in

return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to
return this to the woman.


It read:


"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account... But, not even for a woman as beautiful as
you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

 
 
 
 
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on October 28, 2009, 10:37:53 AM
 good on jackiemc....:D :D :D :D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Teach her to be a greedy woman   :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on October 28, 2009, 07:00:21 PM
This may be a repost, but:

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me,

"YOU'RE NEXT".

They stopped doing that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 28, 2009, 09:31:20 PM
This is a true story, it happened to me at CD5 ;) :D,

I checked into my hotel and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such.

I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Amber, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... Well, you get the picture! I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: vmx42 on October 29, 2009, 08:07:45 AM
And people wonder why Classic Dirt has to move to a new location each year…  ???
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldfart on October 29, 2009, 06:15:04 PM
AND...  did you'r invite turn up  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 29, 2009, 07:15:05 PM
AND...  did you'r invite turn up  ;D
Yeah, both of them ;) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 30, 2009, 01:21:51 PM
In his life a man has three dolls,

His daughter, the ever so sweet, cute, Baby Doll,

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/ATT3.gif)

The one he lust after and dreams of, Barbie Doll,

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/ATT4.gif)

And then of course is his wife,

Panadol
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/ATT5.gif)

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hoony on October 31, 2009, 09:54:05 AM
apparently there is only 2 ways to understand Sheila's







No bloke knows either of them.....
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 02, 2009, 11:20:20 AM
Beware  of older men - they only get wiser! ;)

 

A  woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the  results.

On her way home, she stops at a  newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she  says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how  old do you think I am?

'About 32,' is the reply.'  'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily


A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks  the counter girl the very same question.

The girl  replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'  The woman replies with  a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

 

Now she's feeling  really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to  get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
 

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old  man waiting next to her the same question. 

He  replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I  was young I had a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman  was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me  put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then  can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in  silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell,  go ahead.'
 
He slips both of his hands under her blouse  and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together  and rubs them against each other. After a couple of  minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts,  removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
 
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was  incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says,  'Promise you won't get mad?

'I promise I won't'  she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'  :-* ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Shaun G on November 02, 2009, 11:37:44 AM
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. "On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''
She did and said, "These are too big. I can't wear them."
I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here, try these on.."
She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me."
Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'
Mike did and said, "'I can't get into your panties.'"
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: lyle2212 on November 02, 2009, 06:27:21 PM
This is an Incredible story!



In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in   Kenya after graduating from   Northwestern   University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and

walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same f*****g elephant.
 
 

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 
 

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 04, 2009, 02:58:14 PM
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard" replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 06, 2009, 10:27:39 AM
The very best of the very politically INcorrect, Rodney Rude.

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/whistling.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/whistling.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/whistling.gif)

Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they fork off and its a really nice day. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a Kit Kat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big forking big red mark on her forehead.
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Zebu, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's forking hilarious....
----------------------------------------------------------------------

 I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton. 
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men are in a pub.  One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
The reply from his friend......'You're so forking lucky...Mine's still alive...'
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'fork off, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
‘Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My wife's an epileptic' 
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'you've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'you c*nt!'

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/611.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/611.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/611.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/611.gif)

Nominate ya favourite  ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on November 06, 2009, 10:39:54 AM
I'm with the clouds  :D  see you later  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Stewart Allen on November 06, 2009, 03:52:10 PM
Nagging so & so's no offence intended ladies

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get
a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on
him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have
you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the> stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided
to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Husk72 on November 06, 2009, 09:30:43 PM
People this is  a fantastic thread.
I reckon its fabo that all the posters on here take the time to put up funnies.
Unfortunately very few readers of the post leave feedback.
Up until today I'd viewed this topic twice,each time I felt guilty for not leaving comments.

Thanks everyone who'd posted on here for relieving us of everyday lifes blues.
Had so many laughs with all the posts, don't stop now please guys.
And............... people leave feedback!
Thankyou to all the posters who deliver the funnies.


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on November 06, 2009, 09:45:26 PM
Husk 72...This has never been a place comment too much----- just read and laugh,  ;D
I reckon that's whats good about it,  :-*
or it could/would get ugly with political/sexual disagreements  ;)   8)
laughter is the best medicine  ENJOY  ;D
cheers
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 11, 2009, 12:10:53 PM
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said he was still there.


 ;) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on November 12, 2009, 09:54:42 AM
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/allmine.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Viper666 on November 13, 2009, 03:28:09 PM
Dont know if this ones been on but...


A large woman comes home and says to her husband "I want $15,000" he says " what for"?
"I want a breast enlargement operation and it cost $15,000"
"You dont need to have an operation just rub toilet paper between your breasts"
"Do you think that will work?
"Well it did for your arse!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 13, 2009, 04:48:11 PM
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/allmine.jpg)
Little wonder I feel manipulated all the time :D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on November 13, 2009, 09:59:51 PM
No Joke -Just in case you think you are having a hard time.

(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/wetbunker.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 16, 2009, 04:45:20 PM
Love Making Tips For Seniors

 
1. Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice...

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And
make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one;
I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new
alligator shoes And you're barefoot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of
your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need
to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use
the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?   


Isn't it reassuring to know that you ain't old yet ;) ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on November 16, 2009, 11:03:09 PM
Bundy rum true fish story # 4
finally got around to go fishing the other day,but after a while i ran out of  bait!
then i spotted a king brown with a frog in it's mouth,and frogs are good bait for bass
knowing the snake couldn't bite me with a frog in it's mouth,i grabbed the snake behind it's head
and got the frog & put it in the bait bucket
dilemma now was to release the snake without getting bit
grabbed the bundy rum  & poured some down it's throat
it's eyes rolled back,& it went limp,i released it onto the bank without incident,
& carried on fishing with the frog as bait
a little later i felt a nudge at my foot
it was the same snake, now with 2 frogs in it's mouth
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pirie593 on November 19, 2009, 11:05:25 AM
The deaf book-keeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 19, 2009, 12:12:37 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/rotflmaoHORSE.gif)

I always say "never trust a lawyer ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 19, 2009, 02:56:47 PM


The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;"   or putting it another way....Who's your Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. (I can't vouch for this ::) MX)

Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,
Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am
unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but
I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my
child as I was being sick out of a window when taken
unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list
of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little
girl. She was conceived at a party at
360 East Bolton Avenue

where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do
remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you
do manage to track down the father, can you please send me
his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my
stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW
service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate
and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he
informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that
would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn
between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise.

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do
catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my
AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....
well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic
Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing
that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme
about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and
watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56
Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my
baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you
can't be sure which one made you fart.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 20, 2009, 09:31:08 AM
Lots of wit, wisdom and humour here ;) :D.

The 35 Rules of Life

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
1 4. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldskool on November 23, 2009, 12:08:05 AM
Little Johnny was in Sunday School, and little Suzy was asleep at her desk. 
The teacher asks "Suzi, who created the Universe?" Johnny pokes Suzy with a pencil and Suzy shouts "God Almighty!!"
In about an hour, same scenario, Suzy resting peacefully, the teacher says "Suzy, who is our Lord and Saviour?" Johnny pokes Suzy again and Suzy yells "Jesus Christ!!!"
Later, Suzy's asleep again, the Teacher asks "Suzy, what did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd child?"  Johnny pokes Suzy again and she yells "If you stick that f#@$ing thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your a$$!!!!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 30, 2009, 03:16:34 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/pic10487.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 04, 2009, 04:19:46 PM
Brush up on your English lads... ;D
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
Meaning: A woman rejected in love can be very angry and dangerous.

Hell (noun): (according to various religions) a place of suffering where bad people go after death.

Hath (verb): [old English] has.

Fury (noun): violent anger; (Fury) in Greek mythology a female spirit of punishment |

Scorn (verb): to reject contemptuously

Origin: This saying is based on lines from The Mourning Bride by William Congreve (1670-1729):
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on December 04, 2009, 04:56:56 PM
My best mate ran off with my missus.
Gee I miss him.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 05, 2009, 09:13:09 PM
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.




 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on December 05, 2009, 11:08:30 PM
Speaking of Christmas, as it's almost that time, it has been brought to my attention by a good friend of mine that some of his new employees are being very difficult to buy for.
I mean it's common sense for us to get the lads a bottle of scotch or a ham for xmas, so just 'cáuse they're from some place in the desert, they shouldn't turn up their noses-should they??
Merry Christmas to all.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 05, 2009, 11:16:05 PM
Speaking of Christmas, as it's almost that time, it has been brought to my attention by a good friend of mine that some of his new employees are being very difficult to buy for.
I mean it's common sense for us to get the lads a bottle of scotch or a ham for xmas, so just 'cáuse they're from some place in the desert, they shouldn't turn up their noses-should they??
Merry Christmas to all.

Well Camel steaks can be tasty,get em one of those  ;D
after all only real man smoke CAMEL
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Mick D on December 07, 2009, 02:52:38 PM
Good doggie.
 
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a big dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 350 men walking in a single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this, Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men."Can I borrow the dog?"



  The man replied, ....................  "Get in line."
 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 08, 2009, 08:41:17 AM
Germans...........

.........strange what excites them.

http://www.gamaniak.com/video-3029-fulda-pneus-orgasmiques.html
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: lukeb1961 on December 08, 2009, 09:11:49 AM
and they weren't even knobblies ...
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 08, 2009, 09:46:00 AM
and they weren't even knobblies ...
I suppose if they were you would have gotten even more excited ;D.

Nothing quite getting your full money's worth out of  purchase is there ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 11, 2009, 02:42:46 PM
One for the Girls -----Something to look forward too, HOT FLUSH'S  ;D   
(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/hotflush.gif)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 12, 2009, 12:41:47 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/eltigre.jpg)

(Posted for humour value only ;), not moral judgement intended nor implied ::)) ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on December 12, 2009, 01:45:04 PM
The difference between Santa and Tiger Woods, is that Santa stops at three Hos.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on December 13, 2009, 12:16:04 PM
a bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand & orders a shandy
all the kiwis sitting around the bar look up expecting to see another ozzie vistor
the bartender says,"you aint from around here are ya?"
the bloke replies,"no,i'm from Canada"
the bartender says,"Canada!,do you do in Canada?"
the guy says,"i'm a taxidermist"
the bartenders says,"tixidermist!,what the hick is a tixidermist?,do you drive a tixi?"
"no" says the Canadian,"a taxidermist dosen't drive a taxi,he mounts animals!"
the bartender grins & yells out!
"he's ok boys,he's one of us!!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 13, 2009, 07:43:14 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/snowman.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 13, 2009, 08:53:13 PM
I went for a ride on the beach today and the bike just stalled. Kept trying to start for about an hour, push start also, but failed. When i got home the air filter was wet with a tad of water in the air box. What now? Do i have to change oil? spark plug? wouild there be huge damage? It is a 2002 YZ426.

 ::)   Not a bike too buy in the future   ::)    some mothers do have em  :-\    ;D
I posted this up cause it reminds me of people who buy a 60k toyota and take it down the beach for its first run and swim  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 14, 2009, 07:36:54 AM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image0088888888.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 14, 2009, 10:00:52 AM
Life is all about asses.
You're either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Or behaving like one.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on December 16, 2009, 11:32:23 AM
 


 

CHEWING GUM!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't.  In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian  replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..


The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?' The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!' Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.  Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?


MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE, HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY HOLIDAY
   
 Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on December 16, 2009, 11:53:02 AM
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEM EROTIC AND KINKY? EROTIC YOU USE THE FEATHER AND KINKY YOU USE THE WHOLE CHOOK
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on December 18, 2009, 07:38:35 AM
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "Tiger Woods. Can I go now?"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 22, 2009, 11:36:26 PM
While watching TV and having the greatest laugh   Cheesy   with an American commenting on Auzzie Formula Ford's on the east coast,and during a crash he referred to the driver saying he would have sore "DINGO BERRY'S" in the morning.  Cheesy
I know small things amuse small minds,but hearing it from an American was whacky  Grin
cheers
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Tim754 on December 23, 2009, 10:35:08 AM
Yep heard that too,  OK I will have to admit I know not what a "Dingo Berry" is......
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 23, 2009, 10:52:46 AM
Yep heard that too,  OK I will have to admit I know not what a "Dingo Berry" is......

We thought the same... ::)   American's have a odd picture of Aussie wild dog testicles ... ;D

We've heard of a Dingos Breakfast ...good scratch,pee and a look around... ;D
cheers
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: YUMASTEPSIDE on December 24, 2009, 06:40:23 AM
........yanks usually say " dingle berry's".....nuts,'nads ;D ;D ;D

            Roger
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 24, 2009, 10:37:42 AM
........yanks usually say " dingle berry's".....nuts,'nads ;D ;D ;D
 Roger

Thanks Yumastepside-That clears that up...been in the bush too long here  ;D
cheers
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 30, 2009, 08:25:14 PM

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002-3.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldskool on December 30, 2009, 08:48:09 PM
when is an elf not an elf?.....................................................when hes got his head up a fairies dress a gobblin
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldskool on December 30, 2009, 08:49:28 PM
oops hes a gobblin
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldskool on December 30, 2009, 08:52:01 PM
why do they name cyclones after women?..................................when they first arrive there all wet and wild and when they leave they take the house and car
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 31, 2009, 01:00:18 AM
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart  :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldfart on December 31, 2009, 09:35:46 AM
How true.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Husk72 on December 31, 2009, 06:49:24 PM
If I had a rooster,and you had a donkey,and your donkey ate my rooster,what would we have?

Two feet of my cock in your ass!

My first funny,hope it ain't being posted on here before.

Happy New Year to ya's all!!


                                                 Cheers,Mark.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pirie593 on January 08, 2010, 04:57:48 PM
(http://i566.photobucket.com/albums/ss106/pirie593/snoopyall.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: bigk on January 08, 2010, 05:09:50 PM
The difference between knowledge & wisdom.
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing not to use one in a fruit salad.
Cheers,
K
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Bullymad on January 08, 2010, 05:32:58 PM

Hope i am not repeating this one

A mate of mine went over to India to watch the Cricket when Australia was on tour.
While he was there he thought he might try to hook up with some of the local talent.
He latched on to a very attractive young lady with one of those red dots on her forehead.
Being a very brain dead bugga he decided to find out what was under the red dot and scratched it off.
Surprise surprise he won a new Ford ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on January 08, 2010, 08:43:13 PM
Just don't offer them any chicken. They might think you are racist. ???
 I'm no racist either, I hate everyone equally.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on January 13, 2010, 12:47:36 AM
STAY FOCUSED FOR 2010

(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/stayfocused.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on January 13, 2010, 12:53:21 AM
2010 REMEMBER YOUR MUM AND TEAM WORK  ;D 


(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/teamwork.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 13, 2010, 07:03:16 AM
2010 REMEMBER YOUR MUM AND TEAM WORK  ;D 


(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/teamwork.jpg)
That looks like a Dad playing Piggy Back with the kids to keep them entertained while Mum is off getting her nails done  ;) ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on January 20, 2010, 02:24:01 PM
Daffy  Duck, away on a dirty weekend, calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.

The receptionist replies, “Shall I put it on your  bill, Sir?”

Daffy  responds...

“Don't  be thucking thupid, I'd thufficate!!!!”       ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 21, 2010, 08:18:03 AM
CATHOLIC  COFFEE


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

slim,
tall,
38D breast,
24" waist,
34" hips.
When she walks into a room people say,
"Oh My God." ;D

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image.jpg) ;D  8) ;D 8) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on January 25, 2010, 11:11:56 PM
FEMALE

> COMPASSION

>

> A man was sitting on a blanket at the

> beach. He had no arms and no legs.

> Three women were walking past

> and felt sorry for the poor man.

>

> The first woman said 'Have you ever had

> a hug?'

> The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked

> on.

>

> The

> second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

> The man said, 'No,' so she

> gave him a kiss and walked on.

>

> The third woman came to him and said,

> 'Have you ever been forked?'

> The man broke into a big smile and said,

> 'No.'

> She said, 'You will be when the tide comes

> in.'

>
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac

 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 28, 2010, 12:45:20 PM
The Boss was about to start the morning briefing to his management staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, The Boss decided to pose a question to all assembled  staff.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.  He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

The Production Manager chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

The Foreman said it was 50-50%.

The Floor Supervisor responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, The Boss turned to one of the Workers who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Worker responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The Boss was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, management would have me doing it for them."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: bigk on January 28, 2010, 07:43:59 PM
Two not so bright guys were sitting on a park bench when one complained how bored he was and how he wished there was something to do. With that the other guy jumped up and ran off to the shops. 10 minutes later he was back with a packet of tampons. The first guy just looked in dismay. " Man this will be great" said the first guy. "I've seen it on telly, with these you can go scuba diving, horse riding, to the gym, play tennis"........
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 29, 2010, 09:04:35 AM

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found
that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin
 
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password: he replied
''Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had
to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on January 29, 2010, 06:32:31 PM
 Thought this was worth sharing

  Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. 
 
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.  Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After almost a year of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, red-bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after almost a year out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some heavy drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! . I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild rugged sex, too,'

'Hey! that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for almost a year! I'll definitely be there ... By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

   

 

 
   

 

 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 01, 2010, 06:52:22 PM
Sent to me by a demented swinger  ;)  ;D

A WOMAN'S POEM:Before I lay me down to sleep,

               I pray for a man who's not a creep,

               One who's handsome, smart and strong.

               One who loves to listen long,

               One who thinks before he speaks,

               One who'll call, not wait for weeks..

               I pray he's rich and self-employed,

               And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

               Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

               Massage my feet and help me stand.

               Oh send a king to make me queen.

               A man who loves to cook and clean.

               I pray this man will love no other.

               And relish visits with my mother.

          A MAN'S POEM:

               I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

               big tits who owns a bar on a vmx complex,

               and loves to send me racing and drinking. This

               doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 01, 2010, 07:01:31 PM
Hey Allison, your pray been answered: what about mine?  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on February 01, 2010, 09:28:00 PM
Mines been answered Graeme, because I don't give a shit.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 02, 2010, 10:56:50 AM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT00433.jpg) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 02, 2010, 11:00:10 PM
A Cow's Tail 
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. 

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'     :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 04, 2010, 10:42:09 AM
Dogs are smarter than cats ;D.

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/yammydog.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/galleryimage-0000001572.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 04, 2010, 08:13:40 PM
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.   

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for
a day, teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks..

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky...
Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile
 when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.   
It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird..
Now the world is Weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2010 :
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 05, 2010, 08:53:57 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002-4.jpg) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 08, 2010, 08:11:47 AM

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002-3.jpg)
I ordered a dvd titled "my favorite 18 holes -by Tiger Woods" thinking it was a golf video! Buyer beware. :-[

 ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 08, 2010, 11:11:04 AM
Choose the colour of your seat wisely.....
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image001-2.jpg) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pirie593 on February 08, 2010, 01:52:21 PM
  A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,    silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.  The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old Lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The walls  closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the  numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond  stepped out.

 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to  his son.....

QUICKLY, GO AND GET YOUR MOTHER......

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 09, 2010, 03:53:19 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/74649_freebigscreentv.jpg)

 ::) With friends like this who needs brothers :P ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: tony27 on February 10, 2010, 04:15:32 PM
Histories ten best uses of the F word...

10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC


9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC


8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566


7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer,
1877


6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926


5th - "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937


4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938


3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945


2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the
head!" - JFK,1963


And ... drum roll

The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word ...
"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 10, 2010, 06:22:43 PM

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image002-3.jpg)
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
 
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, & after checking the paperwork, the clerk admits that there is an error.
 
"However", the clerk explains, "it will be 24 hours before it can be rectified."

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven & they stop to have a chat.
 
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
 
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven."
 
Tiger: "Why is that?"
 
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."
 
Tiger: "Sorry mate, you're a day late." 

Oh Dear ::) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 12, 2010, 08:17:50 AM
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried forward, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
 
The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
 
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.
 
The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!’
 
'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'
 
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

So how did it go? said the old Jewish man.
 
"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on February 15, 2010, 01:30:36 PM
[move] ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D [move][move]
[/move][/move][/move]

Good one Graeme :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on February 15, 2010, 01:31:58 PM
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
 

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge.. Show him your BADGE !"

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac



Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 15, 2010, 02:08:00 PM
ah that's what we are missing in life a badge and a tie  :D   ;D  :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 15, 2010, 07:15:26 PM
[move] ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D [move][move]
[/move][/move][/move]

Good one Graeme :)
Yeah, I liked  that one; the double entendre.  ;) :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on February 18, 2010, 10:12:38 PM
Awoman went into a petstore to buy her husband a present for his birthday
after looking around she found all the pets were very expensive
she told the assistant she wanted to buy a pet for her husband,but did not want to pay a fortune!
'Well' said the assistant,'I have a very large bullfrog"
'They say it's been trained to give blowjobs'
'BLOW JOBS' the woman replied!
'it hasn't been proven,but we've sold 30 of them this month!
the woman thought,'what a great gag gift'
and what if it's true!
no more blow jobs for her
She bought the frog.


when she explained froggies talent to her husband
he was extremely sceptical,and laughed it off!

the woman went to bed happy,thinking i may never have to
preform this less than rivetting act again,
in the middle of the night she was awakened by the sound of pots & pans flying everwhere,
making hellish banging & crashing sounds
she ran downstairs to the kitchen,where she found her husband & the frog reading cooking books,
"what are you 2 doing at this hour",she asked
the husband replied
'if i can teach this frog to cook.............your'e gone!!"


   



Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Mick D on February 18, 2010, 10:31:38 PM
Hey Mick, how you going Mate? I am hungry, thirsty and my sack is nearly full again. I don’t suppose by any chance your frog has any bourbon loving sisters?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on February 18, 2010, 11:23:27 PM
geezas mick too much info ;D ;D,travelling ok :P
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Mick D on February 18, 2010, 11:31:21 PM
geezas mick too much info ;D ;D,travelling ok :P
Geezas Mick, you haven’t been scared enough yet, If that’s all it takes to give you a bad mental picture. Any how back to business, where have you hidden that forking frog Mick?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on February 19, 2010, 01:50:20 AM
Terror alerts
 
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
 
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get The Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.
 
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly And Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
 
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs".
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
 
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.
 
Meanwhile...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Sheet, I hope Austrulia will come end rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll Be Right, Mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled".
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: tony27 on February 28, 2010, 10:56:55 AM
SOCIALISM


You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and
gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both
and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes
both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes
both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The
government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that
you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an
intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to
your listed company.The annual report says the
company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike,
organise a riot, and block the roads, because
you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and
market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but
you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade
your country.You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of
Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few
beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive



Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 05, 2010, 07:09:38 PM
Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on March 06, 2010, 10:29:36 AM
Kathy Freeman walks into an exclusive golf club in americas deep south.as she walks in the doorman sheepishly says i am sorry but maybe youi are at the wrong club .you should go down the road to another club where they admit people like you its only a 10 min walk .kathy turns around and says do know who i am yes he said well maybe it will take 3minutes then
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 08, 2010, 07:31:14 PM
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rudd fans.
 
Not really knowing what a Rudd fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for the infamous, Little Billy, in the front row.
   
The teacher asked Little Billy why he has decided to be different.

'Because I'm not a Rudd fan.'

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a Rudd fan?'

'Because I'm a Liberal.'
   
The teacher asked him why he's a Liberal.

Billy proudly answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Liberal and my Dad's a Liberal, so I'm a Liberal.'
   
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'
   
With a big smile, Billy replied, 'That would make me a Rudd fan.'

 ;D

(No correspondence will be entered into - I'm a Rudd fan ;) - this is humour ;)).

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 08, 2010, 07:35:12 PM
Confucius say,

"If you are in a book store and cannot find

The book for which you search, you are obviously



 
in the.....





(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/Image.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 11, 2010, 11:53:55 AM
Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work.
 
Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night?
 
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?
 
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale!
 
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
 
Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night?
 
Husband 2: Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep.  What about you?
 
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to walk home for an hour – and when we got home, there was no electricity, so I had to light forking candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did, I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

 ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on March 11, 2010, 12:19:00 PM
A teacher in Detroit,Michigan kindergarten class asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and said...
"UP AGAINST THE WALL MOTHER F@#KER!"
I guess there aren't too many farms in  Detroit
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 12, 2010, 07:50:08 PM
Being a non-golfer we can have some more fun at Tigger's expense ;D.

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/TWvia.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/TWmv.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/TWdh.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/snoop.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 13, 2010, 08:40:58 PM
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.  Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.  Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly?  It's time to give up that dream.  Let me get you some nice Legos instead.  Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
 ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on March 15, 2010, 11:47:00 AM
This is an interesting way of looking at things . . .

It's a slow day in a little east Norfolk town. it's dull, and the streets are deserted. Times are hard, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist is driving through town.

He stops at the pub and hotel and lays two £50 notes on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the £100 and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the £100 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the £100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The tom rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the £100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the £100, says that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the British Government is conducting business today . . .
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: T250K on March 15, 2010, 01:38:35 PM
Sounds like they've all been watching that soapie ' Wall Street ' on TV    ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: tony27 on March 15, 2010, 05:41:37 PM
Are you sure thats only the british goverment? ;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 15, 2010, 05:51:10 PM
Year 7 Economics, economics 102 - the Multiplier effect.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multiplier_%28economics%29

But funny anyway ;D I'll save and see if my daughter can work it into one of her Economic essays ;) - put the cat amongst the pigeons :D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 17, 2010, 12:06:45 PM
No one you know I hope  :D :P

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 18, 2010, 01:24:04 PM
Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."  (http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/dfk6xy.gif)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 18, 2010, 01:29:16 PM
 :D   sometimes men just get it all wrong  :D
happy green day for yesterday for today mx250
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on March 18, 2010, 01:35:44 PM
 

 



The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome '

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......

'Grumpy forked a penguin!'

'Grumpy forked a penguin!'
 
 
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 18, 2010, 01:43:38 PM
:D   sometimes men just get it all wrong  :D
happy green day for yesterday for today mx250
Did I tell you one of my forebearers was one Patrick Murphy exported at Her Majesty's pleasure. The charge? Insurrection  ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on March 18, 2010, 01:52:07 PM
:D   sometimes men just get it all wrong  :D
happy green day for yesterday for today mx250
Did I tell you one of my forebearers was one Patrick Murphy exported at Her Majesty's pleasure. The charge? Insurrection  ;D.

Love ya work, Green Boy  ;)  ;D   :-*
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on March 18, 2010, 09:39:43 PM
Quote
Did I tell you one of my forebearers was one Patrick Murphy exported at Her Majesty's pleasure. The charge? Insurrection
I don't want to divert this to something it isn't mx250, but if your ancestor was transported at Her Majesty's pleasure, that can only have been between 1837 & (effectively) 1857, unless he was sent to WA, which had more Irish 'guests' up to 1868.
I was delighted to find that one of my possible rellies (same spelling of a difficult name) was caught trying to escape from Albany (then King George's Sound) in a laundry basket . . .
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 18, 2010, 10:35:18 PM
Paddy arrived in 1848 ;).

I also have a Pommy Bastard as a forebearer :-[ who arrived in 1828 at His Majesty's pleasure. He and his brother were exported by the good Sheriff of Nottingham  8) for sheep stealing. 'Sheep' can be singular or plural. I don't think it was a 'mob of sheep' ('they' probably would have hang them for that ::)) but it got them 14 years and "don't darken our doorway again". He left wet, miserable, dark, dunk and dingy NE England as a destitute starving 'with no hope' farm hand for the sunny climes of New South Wales  ;).  20 years later he had 2000 acres 4000 sheep and a good Irish girl 20 years his junior as a bride. Died aged 67 racing his son home from the pub at night on horseback. Silly old smart arse took a shortcut under a tree (cutting the course) and forgot to duck :P.

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on March 18, 2010, 11:47:35 PM
Hmmm . . . . racing home from the pub? Now there's a concept I don't understand. Sure he wasn't Irish as well?
Quote
I was delighted to find that one of my possible rellies (same spelling of a difficult name) was caught trying to escape from Albany (then King George's Sound) in a laundry basket . . .
I've just thought - perhaps the attempt failed because he wanted to come clean. (Boom-boom!)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Stan S on March 21, 2010, 06:41:34 PM
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'

The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.



Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Mick on March 23, 2010, 10:12:15 PM
Karma for a greenie

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for
 getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was
 Climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth
 Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
 
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of
 splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the
 nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the
 splinters.
 
The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the
 examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours
 before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so
 long??!?!?!'
 
'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Parks And
 Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation
 and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth Timber from a
 'recreational area' . . .
 I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 26, 2010, 09:50:42 AM
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"Please send me a  brother"....
Santa wrote back, "Please send me you mother". ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on March 26, 2010, 09:52:37 AM
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How  do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the  toilet."     
Husband: "How does that help?"     

Wife: "I use your toothbrush  ." 
   
 :-* ;D


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on April 07, 2010, 07:28:45 AM
Things that are hard to say when drunk


             THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

             1. Innovative

             2. Preliminary

             3. Proliferation

             4. Cinnamon

 

             THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

             1. Specificity

             2. Anti-constitutionalistically

             3. Passive-aggressive disorder

             4. Transubstantiate

 

             THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

             1. No thanks, I'm married.

             2. Nope, no more booze for me!

             3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

             4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.

             5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

             6. Oh, I couldn't!  No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

             7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

             8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.  I'd hate to look like a fool!

             9. Where is the nearest bathroom?  I refuse to pee on the side of the road.

             10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning. ::) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on April 07, 2010, 08:04:59 AM
You forgot the one about- "no thanks I have to get up and race toomorrow"/lol :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: All Things 414 on April 09, 2010, 01:36:25 PM
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed wasnicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.


It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

 

'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scenewith Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.  Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

 In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for aids, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

  Love, your son, Nicholas.

 

"PS. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"

  I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: firko on April 10, 2010, 09:34:20 AM
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks..

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..



"What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on April 10, 2010, 10:17:08 AM
Q - Why are there no Muslims on Star Treck?
A - Because it's set in the future.
The two things I hate most in the world are Racial Prejudice and Arabs.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on April 19, 2010, 12:33:40 PM
Here do you find this shit Greame???
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on April 19, 2010, 08:12:17 PM
Sorry ladies in advance.
How many animals can you stuff into a ladies pair of jeans?
Two calves
One beaver
One ass
One pussy
Countless hares
The occasional cock
and a dead fish no bastard can find.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on April 19, 2010, 09:05:09 PM
Very good Brad, can I use it?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on April 20, 2010, 06:02:38 AM
Knock yourself out!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: brent j on April 20, 2010, 06:54:49 AM
Q - Why are there no Muslims on Star Treck?
A - Because it's set in the future.
The two things I hate most in the world are Racial Prejudice and Arabs.

Why are there no Kiwis on Star Treck?

Because they do any work in the future either
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on April 20, 2010, 05:30:05 PM
What's the difference between a fanny and a coffin?
You cum in one and go in the other BUT you've got to be stiff to get into both!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on April 20, 2010, 05:48:31 PM
A Tasmanian woman writes into a newspaper column and asks, I'm 31 and still a virgin, does that mean my Dad & Brother are gay?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on April 21, 2010, 12:43:58 PM
Didn't take long......
Why did carl Williams buy a treadmill?
Because exercise bikes were doing his head in!  ::)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on April 22, 2010, 09:14:34 AM
eBay Help Required.
Yesterday I bid on a beaut ''Cowboy Outfit" and now there's only 2hrs 9mins before I get the whole Queensland Govt.!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldskool on April 22, 2010, 09:22:04 AM
two fat lesbians sitting talking about their weight problems                                                                                                                              lesbian one says well you are what you eat                                                                                                                                        lesbian two replies so now you think im a fat c@#t ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on April 22, 2010, 09:22:51 AM
eBay Help Required.
Yesterday I bid on a beaut ''Cowboy Outfit" and now there's only 2hrs 9mins before I get the whole Queensland Govt.!!
Gee, I bet that it would cost a small fortune to buy the whole of the Queenland Govt ::).

Most of the 'white shoe brigade' only buy one polly at a time ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on April 22, 2010, 09:48:11 AM
Queensland....beautiful oneday,Japanese the next  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on April 22, 2010, 10:11:06 AM
Queensland....beautiful oneday,Japanese the next  ;D
You're behind the times there Monaro......

These days it's

Queensland....beautiful one day, Chinese the next :D.

Bless their little commie Land Banking hearts, getting ready for the next Cultural Revolution or fall from political grace. ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: bigk on April 22, 2010, 12:42:36 PM
Two nuns were sitting in the dark, one says "wears the candle", the other replies " yes, doesn't it".
K
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: STW996 on April 22, 2010, 01:12:58 PM
Keeping with big K theme, why are nuns always in pairs? one nun makes sure the other nun doesn't get nun
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on April 22, 2010, 01:37:16 PM
Queensland....beautiful oneday,Japanese the next  ;D
You're behind the times there Monaro......

These days it's

Queensland....beautiful one day, Chinese the next :D.

Bless their little commie Land Banking hearts, getting ready for the next Cultural Revolution or fall from political grace. ;D.

Sorry mx250....yeah i was thinking in the past,then again it is a vintage forum ;) my excuse anyway!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on April 22, 2010, 07:04:54 PM
Q - Name the worst Rugby League side in history.
A - Melbourne Storm, 5 years and no competition points.
This will be huge, a lot of other clubs will be shitting themselves.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on April 22, 2010, 08:06:00 PM
Q - Name the worst Rugby League side in history.
A - Melbourne Storm, 5 years and no competition points.
This will be huge, a lot of other clubs will be shitting themselves.
That's not funny Curly  ::)







 ;) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on April 22, 2010, 08:31:05 PM
Graeme, a good mate is a Rugby League Historian and all this has been a strong rumour for a long time. And the kick in the tail is that News LTD are heavily involved in this club.
Hang on to your seats.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on April 22, 2010, 09:34:39 PM
Graeme, a good mate is a Rugby League Historian and all this has been a strong rumour for a long time. And the kick in the tail is that News LTD are heavily involved in this club.
Hang on to your seats.
If I was a wrong doer I would be worried about News ltd - their director was talking police and fraud. Losing competion point might look pretty tame compared to having Big Budda as your bunk buddy at Pentridge (or where ever) for a year or two.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on April 22, 2010, 10:10:02 PM
No one would be happy to share a cell with Ben Dover.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: STW996 on April 23, 2010, 07:06:20 AM
No one would be happy to share a cell with Ben Dover.

Or his hlaf brother Phil Mc racken
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: bigk on April 23, 2010, 08:46:28 AM
My kids want to go and see How to tame your dragon at the movies, but isn't that a marriage counselling show?
Cheers,
K
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on April 23, 2010, 09:00:59 AM
So what has 26 legs but can't climb a ladder.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: cyclegod on April 23, 2010, 09:09:14 AM
So what has 26 legs but can't climb a ladder.

13 Paraplegics or the Melbourne storm ?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on April 23, 2010, 09:24:24 AM
So what has 26 legs but can't climb a ladder.

13 4ft tall Honda riders  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on April 24, 2010, 01:06:09 AM
 
 
 
 

 

A Letter To Jessie James:

 

You Stupid Bastard!  You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid?  You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for, and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."   

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away. 

You are really a piece of work!  You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!     

How can you live with yourself! 

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are.

Thanks for taking the heat off of me.

Let’s do lunch. 

 

 ~Tiger
 

 

 
 

 

 

 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldskool on May 02, 2010, 10:44:35 PM
q:why are clouds like women                                                                                                                                                              a:because eventually they both f#%k off and it turns out to be a nice day
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldskool on May 02, 2010, 10:56:21 PM
sick of people knocking on my door asking for donations,just had a woman from the sperm bank,boy did i give her a mouthfull ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldskool on May 02, 2010, 10:59:44 PM
just had some muslims move in nextdoor with 3 children they asked if id like to have a water fight,im just waiting for the kettle to boil
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on May 02, 2010, 11:29:38 PM
whats difference between the Storm,& a toothpick?









toothpicks got points both ends,storms got none ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldskool on May 03, 2010, 07:52:52 AM
you been watching sunrise matcho mick
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 05, 2010, 01:47:27 PM
Escaped Convict

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: 'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.'

To which his wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on May 05, 2010, 01:57:40 PM
 :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 06, 2010, 09:17:20 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/Image-2.gif)
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT   

 My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
 who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food
and drinks.

 As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the
 aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
 that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people,
 if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his
 trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
 Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't
 hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise
 your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
 She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
Princess and I take orders from no one.'

 To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
 beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
 outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch' 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on May 06, 2010, 09:31:37 PM
Understanding Engineers - Take one
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said,  'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.'

Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'
The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.' He said, 'Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.  They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, 'That's so sad.  I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?' 
The graduate with a performing arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?

Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it  ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn  into a beautiful princess.' He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.'  The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'
The engineer said, 'Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 06, 2010, 11:53:08 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/roll-1.gif)Not bad, not bad at all - for a Pommie Barstad ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on May 07, 2010, 12:18:13 AM
Not just a Pommie Barstad, but one from a long line of barstads who were engineers and who has inherited the full range of bespoke Engineers Tools. To whit:
1) A Hammer
2) A Very Big Hammer
What more does one need?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 07, 2010, 06:32:59 AM
And what was the first thing you were taught "If you first don't succeed, get a bigger hammer" ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 07, 2010, 06:39:22 AM
A wife asked her  husband: 'What's my best feature, pretty face or  my sexy body?'
 
He looked at her  from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of  humor!'   
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on May 07, 2010, 08:46:54 AM
That's not humour, or even humor: it's irony . . .
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on May 08, 2010, 11:59:01 AM
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian". He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fu#kin' widow."
 



Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: brent j on May 08, 2010, 12:13:44 PM
Speaking of engineers, I recently had a discussion with one of our graduate engineers over the design of a new sewage treatment plant. I explained why a certain piece of equipment had proved unsuitable and why it should not be used again.
With no experience of treatment plants or the equipment concerned he boldly stated that "I don't think there will be a problem with that"
At that moment a TM Bill-ism sprang to mind so I said "Your half right, you don't think"

THANK YOU BILL ;)

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 08, 2010, 05:47:06 PM
Did it go across well or is he still thinking about it? :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: brent j on May 08, 2010, 05:59:18 PM
No he got all bitter and twisted about it and made a complaint.

My boss couldn't stop laughing when he "told me off" so no none is taking it seriously, least of all me.

The senior engineers who are designing the upgrades are, for the first time ever, running everything past the operators and we are reccomending changes which so far they are following.

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on May 09, 2010, 12:03:53 PM
The senior engineers who are designing the upgrades are, for the first time ever, running everything past the operators and we are reccomending changes which so far they are following.

Helps to get a bit of "buy-in". Better still is to let the operators walk away with the impression it was their idea.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldfart on May 12, 2010, 06:58:40 PM
A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No ! no ! mate, Where's your dust bin?".
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista.........!"


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on May 17, 2010, 10:13:30 AM
Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail ?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

 
 

 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on May 17, 2010, 10:16:22 AM
The Ballerina

 

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in  Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as  she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man  here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the  end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter  and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned  to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the  same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little  drunk slapped his money down on the bar and  said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your  business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep  calling  her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to  be a ballerina!
 

 

 




Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on May 17, 2010, 10:17:52 AM
A sexually active woman tells  her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in  size because they were too loose and floppy. 
Out of embarrassment she  insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the  surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia  after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately  calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had  carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose  was from him:
'I felt sad because you went  through this all by yourself.'
 
'The second rose is from my  nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood
because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
 
'And what about the third rose  ?' she asked.
 
'That's from a man upstairs in  the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new  ears.' 

 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on May 17, 2010, 10:19:52 AM
Given the following scenario posed to three different police forces. (see results)

 

 



Question:

How can you tell the difference between a Australian, New Zealand, and an American Police Officer?

Pose the following question:

"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with

a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are

carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family."

What do you do?

NEW ZEALAND POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)

Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or Maori?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
Is he an undercover Sunday Star times reporter looking for a news breaker?

Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
Warn and Charter him as he approaches.

AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS

Answer: BANG!


AMERICAN OFFICERS

Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (Sounds of reloading) BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Yay for politically correct New Zealand !!!!!
 

 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on May 17, 2010, 10:21:35 AM
A Greek man and an Italian man were talking one day discussing who had the
superior culture. Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "Aha! But we invented
sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced
it to women."

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on May 17, 2010, 10:22:37 AM
 SEX WITH AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT
 


 
  An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant  style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdo's from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him.  Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good.  So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS , IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US NOW !

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on May 17, 2010, 06:05:58 PM
Funnily enough, I reckon that last one works heaps better the way I first heard it: When its about a Kiwi...  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on May 17, 2010, 06:28:55 PM
Go Billy.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on May 18, 2010, 08:34:45 PM
iv'e found a cheap yet effective way to stop the ethnic minority from robbing my house while im at work :)

I just hung a sign on my gate , it says









JOB CENTRE
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on May 19, 2010, 02:42:26 PM
Last month a world survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was ::
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what shortage meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
8. In New Zealand they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on May 19, 2010, 02:44:52 PM
An Obituary printed in the London Times - 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

 He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
 



Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: colmoody on May 19, 2010, 05:43:51 PM
TM BILL'S on fire.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on May 24, 2010, 09:47:43 PM
I was at my bank today. There was just one lady in front of me, an older Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a getting irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dollar fo yen.. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!''

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: bigk on May 25, 2010, 08:49:10 AM
President Obama and his chief of staff were sitting in a coffe shop when a passer by stopped and asked what they were doing. The cheif of staff replies, "we're finalising the detaills of the next war where we plan to kill 1 million muslims and just to make it look fair, 1 blonde with big tits". The passer by whined, "not a blonde with big tits," to which Obama looked at his COS and said " I told you no-one would give a shit about the muslims!"
K
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on May 25, 2010, 12:39:22 PM
Kia Ora you fullahs (and gidday dingos)
Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England .  At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Kiwis buy just one
ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn cuz," answers one of the Kiwis

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Kiwis cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis  don't buy a ticket at
all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Aussie.

"Watch and learn cuz," answers a Kiwi ....

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby.  The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Kiwis leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."              :-*
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on May 25, 2010, 10:02:05 PM
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman : I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 26, 2010, 12:56:48 PM
For those surfing the web whilst at work; something to contemplate ;D.

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/birdshitassholechart.jpg)

I suppose that the corollary is that the further down the organisation you are the more shit you have to deal with ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on May 27, 2010, 08:58:24 AM
I thought of the Lead Dog and the rest of the Huskies-that was the original version of that joke.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on May 27, 2010, 09:13:52 AM
WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS  ;D

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
 
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
 
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
 
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
 
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill (about Clement Attlee)

Her "you're drunk". Sir Winston "That is true madam, but tomorrow I'll be sober and still will be ugly"
(Sir Winston on being disapproved of for drinking;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on May 27, 2010, 08:45:18 PM
Graeme: be nice if it were true . . .

The last insult you cite is an abbreviated version of a (sadly) apocryphal exchange. But it might have happened:-

Bessie Braddock: "Winston, you are drunk, and what's more, you are disgustingly drunk."
Churchill: "Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."

For those with no knowledge of Elizabeth Margaret Braddock (1899 - 1970) the comment was apposite: she was the much-loved MP for Liverpool Exchange, elected in 1945 and serving until 1969, but by God, she was ugly . . .

Some say the exchange was with Nancy Astor (the first woman MP). You decide -

(http://www.bbc.co.uk/liverpool/content/images/2006/12/20/bessie_braddock_home2_203x152.jpg)        (http://www.lastingtribute.co.uk/image/Nancy_Astor_2775938.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldfart on May 27, 2010, 09:04:52 PM

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys.
All are on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 02, 2010, 08:23:57 PM
The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He felt that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need ... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye'd him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of f***ing headache.! ' ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on June 03, 2010, 02:49:35 PM
A bloke walked into a tailors shop for a bargain in a nice new tailor made suit . A week later he tried the suit on and was not real happy 'cause the left sleeve of the jacket was 3 inches too long and the right leg was too long by the same amount. When he complained about this the tailor explained that as he obviously could not afford an expensive suit he could just keep his arm up across his back to make the sleeve appear shorter and to walk with his left knee bent and a fair way back for the same reason. He left the tailors shop with a disgruntled look on his face, and as he walked down the street a couple of blokes were walking towards him, one whispered to the other "have a look at this poor bastard", the other bloke said "yeah look at the way he walks all twisted up like that" the first bloke said "geez yair but he must have a terrific tailor!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Viper79 on June 03, 2010, 03:01:47 PM
One day, the wife came home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" I asked.

"Well," she replied, "my boss and I played the lottery and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, she came home with a long shiny fur coat.

"Where did you get that coat?" I asked.

She said, "My boss and I played the lottery and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, the wife came home driving a flaming red Ferrari!

You guessed it: Her share of the lottery winnings....

Last night, the wife asked me to run her a nice, warm bath while she got undressed.

When she entered the bathroom, she found that there was barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug.

"What's this?" she asked.

"Well," I replied, "we don't want to get your lottery ticket wet, do we?!"

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on June 03, 2010, 06:15:27 PM
for Stewie

(http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r259/vmx247/image001225.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 03, 2010, 06:28:04 PM
 ;D Hmmmm, fact or fiction. That story is like the WLA stories - I heard that many versions it ain't funny. The fact that it made it into a newspaper as 'fact', well............ ::) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on June 04, 2010, 08:31:36 PM
Rudd, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call   Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls   England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.

Finally Rudd gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Rudd

got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call.
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Stan S on June 05, 2010, 05:03:43 PM
Hot & Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. ' After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
 
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
 
'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in June and the second time is in December.'
 



Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on June 06, 2010, 06:28:00 PM
A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had
been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . .... The part about her
being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049..'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the F**K do you do with dead people on your planet?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 06, 2010, 06:35:02 PM

'Well, what the F**K do you do with dead people on your planet?

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/laughing6-hehe.gif) Thanks. The sad thing is it;s probably all true ::). Thanks again. ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on June 07, 2010, 04:39:46 PM
Best one that ive heard in a while is...

Tax dept send an auditor to the local hospital for the annual check(should that be the other way 'round?)
The auditor asks the CEO what the hospital did with all the off-cut bandage thinking it would go to waste.
The CEO answered that they actually sent it back to the supplier who would then send them an extra box with the next oreder free of charge.
A bit annoyed at this the auditor then asked what they did with all the waste plaster they had over and the CEO smiled and said that this too was sent back to the supplier who did much the same and sent the odd freebie back as thanks.
So being a right smart arse the auditor said ''I 'spose you keep all the off-cut foreskins from circumcisions for later as well-do you?''
The CEO sees where this is going so he replys" no we box them all up and send them to the tax office and once a year they send us a full prick!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on June 10, 2010, 10:54:07 AM
A old irish farmer lost his dog and was inconsolable. His wife said 'why dont you put an add in the paper?'  Two weeks later he is still very distressed as theres no sign off the dog and his wife said what did you put in the add? he answered "here boy"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: GD66 on June 10, 2010, 11:45:02 AM
My friend has messaged me to say he won't be making any humorous or irreverent observations on the unfortunate passing of Adriana Xenides. He feels it would be _n_ppr_pr__t_ .
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: cyclegod on June 10, 2010, 12:13:34 PM
My friend has messaged me to say he won't be making any humorous or irreverent observations on the unfortunate passing of Adriana Xenides. He feels it would be _n_ppr_pr__t_ .

"I'd like to buy a vowel"  :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: kipo on June 10, 2010, 01:26:44 PM
Perhaps she should have bought a 'bowel' insead of a 'vowel'  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on June 10, 2010, 01:28:48 PM
Perhaps she should have bought a 'bowel' insead of a 'vowel'  ;D

Kipo you beat me while i was typing.....going to say the same thing ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 10, 2010, 01:30:54 PM
Perhaps she should have bought a 'bowel' insead of a 'vowel'  ;D
Oh dear ::).

(I'm glad you said it and not me  ;) ;D).
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: bigk on June 11, 2010, 04:37:08 PM
Warning. If you are concerned about political correctness, DO NOT read the following story. By the way, it's a true story, only the facts have been changed.
The city of Darwin was in the midst of a terrible mouse plague when out of nowhere a man came along and insisted he could rid the town of them for the princely sum of $1 million dollars. The council held out for a while but it got too much and they called the guy in. He pulled out a hand carved flute, made of Boa Boa tree wood and proceeded to cut a tune. Low & behold out came all the mice, rats & rodents and they followed the "pied piper" out of the city until he directed them over the edge of a very deep crevise to their death. The mayor was very thankful & was happy to write the the cheque as promised. The one & only question he had for the piper was "can you play a didgereedoo?"
K
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on June 11, 2010, 05:01:19 PM
A window cleaner working on an  office block lent too far and fell from the 5th floor. As he went past the 3rd floor he thought to himself 'well so far so good'                     He hit the ground and an onlooker raced up to him and said 'gees mate what happened'  The response was    "I dont know mate I just got here!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on June 12, 2010, 04:52:58 PM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.              "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"she says.   A little girl raises her hand."I had a kitty cat that stuttered."   The teacher knowing how precious some of these stories could become , asked the girl to describe the incident.   "Well she began,'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!    'That must have been scary,' said the teacher.     'It sure was' said the little girl.    'My kitty raised her back, went "Fffffft! Ffffff! Fffffft," but before she could say "fork!" the Rottweiler ate her!    The teacher had to leave the room.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on June 13, 2010, 07:51:51 PM
On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffered to
Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen
over.

As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that
someone had "pissed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY
SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense
spared" and to report within two weeks.

Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ...."our
investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good
news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......we spent $5 million dollars on the
investigation and have come to a successful result.

Well says Kev what's the bad news ?

The head of ASIO says "the DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne Swann's".

Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.

Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies..."the hand writing is Julia Gillards".

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on June 18, 2010, 07:37:10 AM
       The other day my wife came and sat next to me on the couch and asked "whats on tv".

 "Dust" I replied. Thats when the fight started.......
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on June 18, 2010, 04:44:12 PM
I got a bike for my wife the other day.
It was a good trade!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on June 25, 2010, 09:22:25 AM
Not sure if this has already been put up, but I got a good laugh out of it ;D

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac

 

A jackeroo named Bluey was droving his herd in a remote paddock in the Kimberley region of Western Australia when suddenly a brand-new BMW M6 advanced  towards him out of a cloud of dust.

 

The driver, a young bloke in a Zegna suit, shirt & tie, Gucci shoes and RayBan sunglasses leaned out the window and asked the jackeroo, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd will you  give me a calf?"

 

Bluey looks at the half back flanker, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure why not?"

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 satellite phone, connects to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area to produce an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the jackeroo and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves"

 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bluey.

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as he stuffs it into the boot of his car.

 

Then Bluey says to the young bloke, "Hey mate, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 

The half back flanker thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

 

"You're a senator in Kevin Rudd's Labour Government", says Bluey.

 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required." answered Bluey. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

 

Now give me back my forking dog."

 

 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on June 25, 2010, 10:09:06 AM
Funny  :D  ,but sad cause its true.  :'(
They changed the name of our road out here and now when they need to find it on there GPS ,they can't, because there is another road named the same 2 km away  ::)    which is actually a disused road   :-\   ::)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 01, 2010, 08:26:10 AM
It's cold, you're blue, so.........

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_animals.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=animals.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 01, 2010, 08:29:56 AM
Another one, for the same reason........

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/th_Farmers3Daughters.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/?action=view&current=Farmers3Daughters.flv)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on July 01, 2010, 08:43:33 AM
On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffered to
Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen
over.

As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that
someone had "pissed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY
SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense
spared" and to report within two weeks.   DEA JA VOU

Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ...."our
investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good
news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......we spent $5 million dollars on the
investigation and have come to a successful result.

Well says Kev what's the bad news ?

The head of ASIO says "the DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne Swann's".

Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.

Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies..."the hand writing is Julia Gillards".


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on July 01, 2010, 08:45:13 AM
deaja vou for the above
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: bigk on July 01, 2010, 08:51:28 AM
I suppose this is funny, sadly though, it's true. The other day a client came into the shop with his young son, who commented that I had Chad Reeds number 22 on my bike. My reply was, yes that's because I'm Chad's brother. The young fella looked at me and said, no way can you be Chads brother. When I asked why, he came back with, Chad's not bald! Not bad for a 7 year old.
Cheers,
K
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on July 02, 2010, 09:19:12 AM

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.20am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

(http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e2013484ec3fb8970c-pi)

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.

Thanks Shan.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards, David.
 
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.

Regards, David.
(http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e20133f1c58cf3970b-pi)

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards, David.
 
 
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.

Regards, David.
(http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e20133f1c58f1e970b-pi)

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

(http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e2013484ec46dd970c-pi)

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,
I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.

Regards, David.
(http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e20133f1c59291970b-pi)

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
 
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
 
Regards, David.
 
 
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

(http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e2013484ec4b1c970c-pi)

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

(http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e2013484ec4bbd970c-pi)

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

(http://www.davidthedesigner.com/.a/6a00d834516c0669e2013484ec4cd7970c-pi)


From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.





Iceland go bankrupt, then manage to set their island on fire. Insurance scam written all over it.


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: bigk on July 02, 2010, 09:47:21 AM
That is funny, love it.
K
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pirie593 on July 02, 2010, 04:03:13 PM
What’s the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....   

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**te. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything.

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**te team we should easily have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning, "its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

FIFA have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?"

To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this frigging mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: tony27 on July 02, 2010, 04:57:59 PM
Have you heard that there are now two man made things that can be seen from space?
The Great Wall of China and the hole in the England defence.

 

Illusionist David Blaine is heartbroken that the record he got for doing nothing in a box for 42 days has just been beaten by Wayne Rooney.
 

I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the laughing stock.

 

What’s the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

 

What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.

 

What does the Englishman do when England wins the World Cup? He switches off the Play Station.

 

What’s the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.

 

What’s the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.

 

I’ve just won two tickets to see the England team. Do you want to come with me? We’ll catch the bus to Gatwick Airport on Thursday and watch them come home.

 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on July 02, 2010, 09:45:48 PM
what did one kiwi say to the other with one leg shorter than the other ?
not even bro
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on July 04, 2010, 08:29:36 AM
Yeah, thanks for the football jokes: there were a couple there I'd not heard before. So what were you expecting after the first two matches against the footballing titans of the USA and Algeria? A win over a good team?

So, remind me, how did Australia do playing proper football instead of that pansy footie stuff? Did they cover themselves in glory against Germany?

Seriously, though, what about the Netherlands? Nine goals scored and only four scored against them. And isn't it illegal to knock Brazil out of the World Cup before the semi-finals?

We didn't go to the pub when the England-Germany match was on - I suspected what was coming and find it unsettling to watch men cry; we copped a bit of culture at an independent art gallery, then to the Victoria and Albert Museum and finally Tate Britain. (PM me if you want some help with the concepts 'culture' or 'art gallery').

Got to the pub later though, for pints & pizza and saw England sneak up from behind to take the One Day International Series three nil. (This was cricket, by-the-way, another sport we invented). Can't remember who we beat, but it'll come to me in a bit.

This isn't really a joke, is it? Sorry. I'll try harder.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Turtle.Inc on July 04, 2010, 09:44:40 AM
Little Timmy was sitting in class with the teacher going  around the classroom asking what your fathers do for a living. Little Sally says my dads a fireman, little Josh says my dads a copper, little Mikey says my dads a milkman.

When it gets to little Timmys turn he says " My dads takes all his clothes off for men, men pay him to strip down naked and dance around the room with nothing on at all, he then does something he calls sexual acts with men for money.

Little Timmys teacher is gobsmacked, she asks all the other kids to leave the room, leaving only her and little Timmy in the room together. "Does your father really do all those things you said earlier, about sleeping with men for money and taking there clothes off"

Little Timmy says " No, he actually plays Football for the NSW state of origin team but I was too embarrassed to say" ::)

Homo nuts
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Turtle.Inc on July 04, 2010, 10:00:44 AM
Bills down the pub having a couple of beers bragging to Brad about how hes sleeping with both the new Swedish twins who had just moved into town without them knowing

Brad said that is so cool but isnt hard to tell them apart.

Not at all says Bill, Inga has the type of body you could only deam about, 36=24=36 figure, blond hair, the whole package, Trevor has a big cock :o
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on July 04, 2010, 10:51:43 AM
Got to the pub later though, for pints & pizza

What was that about culture?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on July 04, 2010, 11:02:34 AM
A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young Sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya's!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hoony on July 04, 2010, 11:33:43 AM
nice one Monaro, complete with good old Aussie Slang.

sheila, ringer,
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: vandy010 on July 04, 2010, 12:21:56 PM
speaking of ringers and shiela's,
 a mate of mine John lost his job and all he could get was as a station hand on a remote outback cattle station.
upon arrival, the boss told him how there weren't any shiela's out there and him not being a married man had no wife or daughters so to speak but then went on to offer the services of the camel he kept in the barn and went on to say how most of the blokes use it from time to time,
well as you could imagine, John was quite shocked and wondered just what he'd gotten himself into.
first day on the job he didn't quite kow what to make of his fellow workmates as he quietly thought to himself they're a bunch of camel forkers :o
so after a few months, he decided he'd had enough and approached the boss about seeing the camel.
the boss took him to the barn and sure enough, upon opening the doors there she was, a beautifull lovely camel just chewin on a bit of hay.
John walks around behind the camel and says,
"she's a bit tall ain't she",
and with that, the boss pats her on the head and she kneels down,
so John now sweating proffusely, thinks to himself,
"well, it's now or never"
so with that, he drops his dacks and gets stuck into the camel ;)
{scene missing}
and after about 15 minutes {he's a bit of a stayer old John},
he finishes his business, stands up and looks at the boss and says,
"well, that wasn't as bad as i thought it'd be",
and with that, the boss took off his hat and said,
"well you shocked the shit out of me, most blokes just ride her to town!" :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Mike52 on July 04, 2010, 12:25:03 PM
MyGrandpar died peacefully in his sleep.
The other 4 people in the car died screaming. :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on July 04, 2010, 04:24:41 PM
[quote author=Pommie Barstad link=topic=2771.msg138931#msg138931 date=12781961 (This was cricket, by-the-way, another sport we invented).

This isn't really a joke, is it? Sorry. I'll try harder.
[/quote]   Cricket ? a sport? now THATS a joke greatest cheats game ever invented. Had to be invented by pommies! cheers pancho.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on July 05, 2010, 10:41:26 PM
Clearly, there'd be nothing for my countrymen, friends or colleagues to drink here . . .

(http://talshiar.dk/fun/20040701/reciept.jpg)

Dunno about you blokes though . . .

But if you're unsure on which side your bread is buttered, Meekatharra's the place . . .
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on July 05, 2010, 10:56:37 PM
Got to the pub later though, for pints & pizza

What was that about culture?

Yes, sorry Tim, this is multiculture:- beers from a local craft brewery and a very nice German Wiessbier; pizza from next door to the pub (excellent idea!) from an Italian tradition (though the French claim to have invented it) combining such exotics as olives, anchovies, vegetable oil (cf. olives) plum tomatoes and cheese from buffaloes, speedily produced by an Eastern European kitchen crew. We encountered the cultures of half the known world in a sup and a snack . . .
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on July 05, 2010, 11:02:00 PM
For when a hammer would be far too butch and a wrench too over-the-top - for when you need to give it just a little tweak . . .

(http://www.lolpix.com/_pics/Funny_Pictures_674/Funny_Pictures_6743.jpg)

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 05, 2010, 11:09:15 PM
Clearly, there'd be nothing for my countrymen, friends or colleagues to drink here . . .

(http://talshiar.dk/fun/20040701/reciept.jpg)

Dunno about you blokes though . . .

But if you're unsure on which side your bread is buttered, Meekatharra's the place . . .
I think that's country boy talk for Brown's Ale or sim  ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on July 06, 2010, 01:42:48 AM
Stole this off another site  :P

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the
Talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for
The birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage
It?"

The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,
"Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?"
The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil.... This one's black."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on July 07, 2010, 06:12:43 PM
Get ready for todays 'dad' joke: A turtle , a buzzard a rabbit were drinkin' mates who used to by a lotto ticket every week without winning a cent. Eventually they cracked the big one winning a huge fortune . So they discussed what the always wanted to do if they had money. Rabbit said well i'm going to the nursery and get all I need to plant and grow the best and biggest carrots ever! Buzzard says "I'm going to get a new place built where our shack is and have a rest." Turtle says, "I'm going to get some grog ordered in and  get stuck into it!... So rabbit hunts up all the carrot specialists for the best advice and orders all the best gear to be sent to there new abode. So he heads of home and finds that this great mansion is in place of the old joint. On knocking at the door he is confronted by this impressive butler looking down his nose who says to him "yes my man can I assist you?" Rabbit says 'where's buzzard?'...........  If you mean Mr Buz-aard my man  he is resting, says the butler...... 'Well where's turtle?' Butler replies Mr Tur-Tell is relaxing in the bar. Hmm... rabbit says... 'Well you tell Mr Tur-Tell and Mr Buzz-aard, that Mr Ra-bitt is here with the shit......Cheers pancho
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Mike52 on July 07, 2010, 06:33:31 PM
English man ,Scotsman and Irishman talking about closing time at the pub. English man says come closing time we all drink up and go home. Scotsman says , we all fight to see who has the last drink on the bar. Irishman says , thats nothing at our pubs you only have to pay for your first drink then you get free drinks all night ,then come closing they take you upstairs and you get laid.
The other two are stunned and ask, has this happened to you paddy?
Paddy says no, but it happened to my sister!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Canam370 on July 10, 2010, 08:55:23 PM
Pick on Frankston.....

 Q -  Whats the first question at a trivia night in Frankston?
 A -     "What are you lookin' at C%#T?"

Q -  What does a Frankston girl use for protection when she has sex?
A -       A bus shelter.

Q -  How do you tell the difference between boys and girls in Frankston?
A _   The girls have a higher sperm count!

Q - Two Frankston guys in a car without any music - who is driving?
A -  The policeman.

Q - Whats the most confusing day in Frankston?
A -  Fathers Day!
     
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on July 10, 2010, 11:10:00 PM
paddy tells mick,"i'm thinking of buying a labrador"
"fook off" say's mick,"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on July 11, 2010, 02:57:24 PM
That one I like Mick can I use it? cheers.pancho
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on July 11, 2010, 03:13:34 PM
I went to the doctors the other day.
I found out my new doctor is a young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was a bit embarrassed but she said " don't worry, I'm a professional and I've seen it all before."
"Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
 I said " I think my penis tastes funny"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on July 11, 2010, 07:01:42 PM
(http://i41.tinypic.com/242svnt.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on July 15, 2010, 09:24:17 PM
First woman (proudly): "My husband's an angel!"
Second woman: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."   ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on July 15, 2010, 10:55:03 PM
An old friend told me about a fellow he knew that had the word "Wog" tattooed in big letters on his donga, which he claimed on regular occasions changed to "Wollongong"! Cheers
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 16, 2010, 11:03:06 AM
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?


   
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 16, 2010, 11:03:54 AM
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.   
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

 
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.   
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 16, 2010, 11:04:40 AM
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.   
He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground..   
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect.   
Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'   
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 16, 2010, 11:05:13 AM
Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....   
This is for the Christmas period only!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 16, 2010, 11:06:04 AM
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one  punch.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 16, 2010, 11:07:39 AM
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 16, 2010, 11:08:29 AM
Statistically.... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on July 16, 2010, 11:09:34 AM
A history teacher asks a class full of kids - 'What was Churchill famous for?'   
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'   
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on July 16, 2010, 06:06:15 PM
A joke from the entrenched UK NHS. You may just need to look up 'Proctology'


The improved National Health Service

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

The Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't  have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ********* in London.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on July 17, 2010, 11:11:51 PM
Got your iPad? Love your Kindle? Well tough, new technology's on the way that will make them all redundant:-

Introducing the new Bio-Optical Organised Knowledge device, trade-named - B-O.O.K.

B-O.O.K. is a revolutionary break-through in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.  It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a  CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works:

B-O.O.K. is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable) called P-a.G.E.s (Pre-arranged Guided Evaluation), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.  The P-a.G.E.s are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (O.P.T.) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.  Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, B-O.O.K.s with more information simply use more P-a.G.E.s.  Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain.  A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

B-O.O.K. may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

B-O.O.K. never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface.  The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "Bookmark" accessory allows you to open B-O.O.K. to the exact place you left it in a previous session - even if the B-O.O.K. has been closed.  Bookmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single Bookmark can be used in B-O.O.K.s by various manufacturers.  Conversely, numerous B-O.O.K. markers can be used in a single B-O.O.K. if the user wants to store numerous views at once.  The number is limited only by the number of pages in the B-O.O.K..  You can also make personal notes next to B-O.O.K. text entries with optional tools, such as Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (P.E.N.C.I.L.S.).

Portable, durable and affordable, B-O.O.K. is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave.  B-O.O.K.'s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest.  Look for a flood of new titles soon.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 17, 2010, 11:25:04 PM
I think we'll have to rename you Old Pommy Bastard  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: retrowrex on July 18, 2010, 06:17:25 AM
Cecil had been sent home to pass in the comfort of his home, there being nothing more that could be done to cure his ailment.  Being in severe pain, he was hooked up to a morphine drip with a constant dose trickling through.  While drifting in and out of consciousness, his senses became aware of something.  It immediately made him feel a little happier, a little stronger. Good memories flowed.  Pondering the source of his content, he realised that it was a smell. The smell of his favourite cookies being baked.

He then realised that his wife must be baking him a treat.  He cast his mind back over his 60 years of marriage to his wife Martha. There were some good times, and many of those other times.  He then realised that this must be Martha’s last attempt to put things right and say sorry in his darkest time, and send him on his last journey in peace.

Filled with a little more strength Cecil tears the drip from his arm.  Almost immediately the pain increases no longer being kept in check by the morphine. As he attempts to sit up, he painfully falls to the cold, hard floor of his room. He then drags himself across the floor to the top of the stairs and carefully starts t make his way down.  After just the first step, he slips and tumbles all the way to the bottom.  Thankfully, he passes out.

A short time later, he is again awoken by the scent of the baking.   He painfully makes his way into the kitchen he sees his Martha busy baking and a rack on the bench piled up with his favourite choc chip cookies.

He drags himself across to the bench and lacking the strength to speak to Martha he uses the very last of his strength to stand and reaches out to take a cookie.

Martha turns around to see him reaching out and swats him on the hand with her spatula, saying “Pi55 off, they’re for the wake.”
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on July 18, 2010, 06:49:50 PM
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/married-life.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Davey Crocket on July 18, 2010, 07:18:51 PM
Are you having a go at all us married men? ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on July 18, 2010, 09:07:20 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jimson on July 18, 2010, 09:38:01 PM
That sounds like my wife  :-[ jimson  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 18, 2010, 09:51:44 PM
That sounds like my wife  :-[ jimson  ;D
It sounds like all our wives  ;D,

They have a secret school somewhere where 'they' teach these tricks; 'Ten new ways of how to make your man to feel guilty without even trying' etc.

Then they have The Sisterhood, a secret society of support, aiding and abetting.

So give up now, go quietly; retreat to your garage and do something that creates dust and noise - two naturally occurring phenomenons that wives find repulsive. If your defense of your sanctum is failing get a buff wheel. The noise is not so great but the greasy lint dust lingering in the air is 100% successful in repulsing and reviling. (http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/smiley79.gif)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: lukeb1961 on July 18, 2010, 10:06:15 PM
They have a secret school somewhere where 'they' teach these tricks; 'Ten new ways of how to make your man to feel guilty without even trying' etc.
some of the secrets of Women School are revealed in Love, Sex & Tractors (http://www.amazon.com/Love-Sex-Tractors-Roger-Welsch/dp/0760308683/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279454428&sr=8-1) by Roger Welch. Strongly recommended.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on July 18, 2010, 10:21:16 PM
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/tiger.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on July 18, 2010, 10:32:14 PM
What has 9 arms and sucks?









Def Leppard
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on July 19, 2010, 09:00:11 PM
Quote
I think we'll have to rename you Old Pommy Bastard

Possibly, possibly.

In my mind, I'm 27, but my body thinks I'm 47. What the calendar says, however, is utterly ridiculous.

Now, aren't you like that mx250?

Aren't we all like that?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on July 22, 2010, 09:29:56 AM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image-4.gif)

WHY MEN ARE RARELY DEPRESSED:
 

 Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !
 
 Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

 Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
 
 You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

 You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 No wonder men are happier.
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image2.gif)

It's probably been 'done' before but I just had to use the little self portraits ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Pommie Barstad on July 23, 2010, 08:03:26 AM
Two for the Little Ladies, Cooks & Sheilas out there . . .

(http://i36.tinypic.com/t9w303.jpg)

(http://www.lolpix.com/_pics/Funny_Pictures_488/Funny_Pictures_4886.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on July 23, 2010, 08:58:31 PM
I did think about changing these to "Bultaco owners" or "Abbott supporters", but...

How do you know when you're staying
in a Redneck hotel ?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, "Go ahead."


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ?
It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.


Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a
Redneck murder . ..
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There's no dental records


Who invented the toothbrush ?
A Redneck.
(If it had been invented by anyone else,
it would have been called a teethbrush.)


A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . .
and the driver replies "Bout wut ?"


Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? . .
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.


A new Redneck law was just recently passed .
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.


Did you hear that the Redneck governor's
mansion burned down ?
"Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on July 24, 2010, 10:06:13 PM
My whole family is into riding motorbikes ;D

(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/asians.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on July 26, 2010, 08:14:49 AM
There's gotta be a market for sidecars over there.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: All Things 414 on July 26, 2010, 08:27:36 AM
There's gotta be a market for sidecars over there.

 :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on July 26, 2010, 09:23:06 AM
This is an oldie but a goodie.
A long time ago a feller was riding his bonnie out on a country road. He stops for a bloke hitching a ride and says 'hop on'. Hitch hiker says 'stuff that its bloody freezin!'. Feller says 'don't worry about that' just take your jacket off and put it on backwards, I'l button it up and that stops the wind blowing through you. Off they go and the feller settles in to riding with the extra weight on the back and starts to  take a few adventurous lines around these fast bends and next thing he drops it. The feller is out to it and the hitcher is rolling round moaning. A car comes along and this big bloke jumps out to help. The bonnie rider comes to on hearing this horrible scream and turns round from checking his bike and says 'is that bloke alright?' The big samaritan says 'he was moaning and groaning a bit but when I screwed his head 'round the right way he made a hell of a fuss and stopped moving!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on July 26, 2010, 11:36:26 PM
a biker goes to his doctor with hearing problems.
"can you describe the symptoms to me?",asked the doctor
"Yes,Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard & Marge is a tall skinny chick with blue hair"

i lost a pub quiz the other night by 1 point
the question was where do woman mostly have curly hair?
Apparently,it's Africa!

you can say a lot of bad things about paedophiles,but at least they drive slowly past schools!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on July 29, 2010, 09:23:44 AM
a airplane is about to crash, a woman jumps up, rips off her clothes and says "if i gonna die i wanna die feeling like a woman,is there any men on this plane that can help me feel like that?" a guy stands up,takes off his shirt and says "here, iron this." 
well he's gonna die anyway  ;D

a very brave man posted the above on facebook-lucky he lives overseas  :o  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on August 05, 2010, 01:08:24 AM
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we started
swearing.'

The 4 year old nods his head in approval, so the 7 year old says, 'When we
go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me,
ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm..

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for
breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up,
and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, ' And what do
YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f@#king Coco Pops'
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: rn400 on August 06, 2010, 10:19:17 PM
HOW TO SPEAK NEW ZEALANDER, FOR BIST EFICT, RID THESE OUT ALOUD!

Should help translating bill and Dj

Milburn - capital of Victoria
Peck - to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside - chemical which kills insects
Pigs - for hanging out washing with
Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
Pug - large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough - computer game
Munner stroney - soup
Min - male of the species
Mess Kara - eye makeup
McKennock - person who fixes cars
Mere - Mayor
Leather - foam produced from soap
Lift - departed
Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
Little crusps - potato chips
Ken's - Cairns
Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
Inner me - enemy
Guess - vapour
Fush - marine creatures
Fitter cheney - type of pasta
Ever cardeau - avocado
Fear hear - blonde
Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
Duffy cult - not easy
Amejen - visualise
Day old chuck - very young poultry
Bug hut - popular recording
Bun button - been bitten by insect
Beard - a place to sleep
Chully Bun - Esky
Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze - well known computer program
Brudge - structure spanning a stream
Sex - one less than sivven
Tin - one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
Earplane - large flying machine
Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds - children
Pits - domestic animals

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on August 06, 2010, 11:00:31 PM
Little Johnny during a sex ed class.
Miss, my dad has 2 penis's.
Don't be silly Johnny, that's impossible.
No it's true miss, he's got a little one he wee's out of and a real big one he cleans mummy's teeth with.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 10, 2010, 11:26:54 AM
Here's a tip if you ever suffer bouts of dementia  ;) ;D

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/HowaReal1.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on August 10, 2010, 05:29:43 PM
That's a good plan MX250-so you don't forget what to call her when you wake up, still if I woke up next to Jane, I'd probably have forgotten my own name :D :D she's a good looker.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 11, 2010, 10:19:42 AM
The Thought for Today ;) ;D;

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/highbeam.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on August 12, 2010, 10:51:45 AM
Where do you get this shit from MX?
I think the knob on the right is the thermostat control-no wait-is it the one on her right-damn, I'll have to try both-again....
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 12, 2010, 11:13:26 AM
Are you looking for a job change EML  ;D.

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/yoga.jpg)

I keep protesting my innocents - I don't find it, it finds me  ;).

Son, brother, cousins, work mates they email me the 'shit'  8).
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on August 12, 2010, 12:05:23 PM
I like this one
http://s199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/?action=view&current=RR.mp4
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on August 12, 2010, 12:43:08 PM
I like this one
http://s199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/?action=view&current=RR.mp4
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/ATT7777777.gif) Love the punch line  ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on August 13, 2010, 05:27:55 PM
A   farmer in his ute, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked. I know where all the  tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the boar, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."   ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on August 24, 2010, 08:55:20 PM
I heard on the radio that today a midget fortune teller escaped from goal. The person of interest is described as a 'small medium at large'.     pancho.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on August 25, 2010, 01:02:14 AM
I heard on the radio that today a midget fortune teller escaped from goal. The person of interest is described as a 'small medium at large'.     pancho.

LOL.....love it ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: SLAWESY on August 31, 2010, 08:32:59 PM
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?  He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again..'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.  'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

         
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T   

I used to like Eric, the little prick.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 06, 2010, 08:51:29 PM
I NO COME WOK TODAY!'
 
Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'
           
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.   

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon........You got nice house'.
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: evo550 on September 07, 2010, 07:26:11 PM
Did you hear about the Dyslexic insomniac athiest?
He lays in bed, awake all night, wondering if there really is a dog.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Shaun G on September 07, 2010, 08:48:04 PM
Did you hear about the Dyslexic insomniac athiest?
He lays in bed, awake all night, wondering if there really is a dog.

I think he sold his soul to Santa  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on September 12, 2010, 08:35:42 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMBYvKFdeiE&feature=player_embedded

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on September 12, 2010, 09:01:12 PM
Its a quiet night........
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_A277F1AFF62F4D6698DF56E64D8B6763stuartPC.jpg)
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_CFB024ED394E4676810D2EDA57EDC5FFstuartPC.jpg)
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_10393ED78C8441B88EC834E56C79BA8CstuartPC.jpg)
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_5AF698AEE19A49DCBAAF4435C82492E7stuartPC.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on September 16, 2010, 07:32:21 PM
One for Nathan S   ;)  ;D 
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill.
The barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'   
 
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a polititian came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
 
The Politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 16, 2010, 07:41:32 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/ATT7777777.gif)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on September 16, 2010, 10:20:02 PM
In Ireland.    A cop sees a car swerving all over the road, gives chase and pulls paddy over.                                                                                                 Cop says, "what's going on here paddy, you're swervin' all over the road!"      Paddy says,                                                                                                   Its those damn pine trees, they keep on coming from the sides of the road and I've just missed them by a whisker!.                                                                        You've been into the Guinness again paddy, get rid of that air freshener thing hangin' from your mirror there!                                     cheers pancho
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: All Things 414 on September 17, 2010, 12:22:08 PM
There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life!!!!!!!!

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions....



This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on September 20, 2010, 03:33:25 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81szj1vpEu8
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on September 20, 2010, 03:34:19 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRXJf-ANy2A&feature=related
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: All Things 414 on September 20, 2010, 05:46:57 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAONkS06LFU&feature=channel   :D :D

What a nutter!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on September 22, 2010, 01:28:59 AM
It's Hard, Getting Old...
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry
Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we
couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine
medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 22, 2010, 08:32:55 AM
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price.

His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Lozza on September 22, 2010, 04:33:59 PM
Courtesy of ARCH on the rgv forum

A husband and wife are just leaving a small roadside cafe mid journey. They've been married 40 odd years and thus the honeymoon period could be considered to be over.

"Have you got everything? says wife.

"Yes dear" getting into car.

"are you sure, you know what you're like."

"yes, I'm sure." starts car and pulls away.

As he's driving onto a stretch of dualcarrigeway the old fella realises he's left his hat behind. 'Bugger' he thinks in dread 'well, here goes'

"I may have forgotten my hat" he says tentatively.

Suffice to say Herself goes off on one "I said to you ...." etc, etc, etc [you get the picture]

After driving 20miles to the next turning, then missing the turning off to the cafe 'cos Herself is STILL banging on, then another 15miles to the next one to be able to turn back, they finally arrive back at the cafe. "..... I don't know how I put up with it....." etc, etc, etc.

As he's trudging across the carpark, wifes voice still ringing in his ears, come the words ........

"And while you're in there you can pick up my handbag"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on September 23, 2010, 01:12:48 PM
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...
 
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
 
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
 
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
 
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
 
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
 
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
 
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
 
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
 
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: suzuki43 on September 23, 2010, 01:16:49 PM
Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England.  At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one
ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn  bro," answers one of the Maori's

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies  don't buy
a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Maori.

"Watch and learn  bro ," answers a Aussie .

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby.  The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on September 23, 2010, 08:43:04 PM
 :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D
Love it :)

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Turtle.Inc on September 24, 2010, 11:28:14 AM
Did you know that:

In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of
the sheep first.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Turtle.Inc on September 24, 2010, 11:37:22 AM
 
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

 

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be forked!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.
 ;D
 

 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: SLAWESY on September 24, 2010, 12:45:59 PM
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the
Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,   Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from
his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....
 

‘I'll do the f****** dishes’!!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on September 24, 2010, 01:45:39 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....thats a goodie slawesy :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on September 26, 2010, 07:54:42 PM


 

 

 

 

 

 

 








A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment. He proudly went
down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she
started up a conversation with him.

As they talked her robe slipped open. It was obvious that she had nothing
else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my
apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature ?'

Flustered and embarrassed he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded and hurt she asked, 'My ears ? Look at these breasts, they are a
full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and
solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How
can you think that the best part of my body is my ears ?'

Clearing his throat he stammered, 'Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming.......that was me !'

 


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on September 26, 2010, 08:01:45 PM

 
UCLA  STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.  For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men  with rugged and masculine features.  However, if she is  menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 


 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on September 26, 2010, 08:16:51 PM


On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years..'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as
a public service.
 
 

 
 

___
 

 

 


 



 

 

 
 


 



 

 

 
 

 

 





D

 

 



Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hoony on September 30, 2010, 10:22:58 AM
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKYS. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Lozza on September 30, 2010, 12:18:54 PM
How many motorcyclists does it take to change a light bulb?


 ???



1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” …

another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light
bulb” is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL’s

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

13 to say “do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs”

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W. isn’t
the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: vmx42 on September 30, 2010, 01:23:51 PM
How many motorcyclists does it take to change a light bulb?


 ???



1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” …

another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light
bulb” is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
this discussion to a light bulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs

15 People to post “I can’t see S$%^!” and their own light bulbs

7 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL’s

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

13 to say “do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about
light bulbs”

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that George W. isn’t
the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

1 moderator to lock the light bulb thread.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
start it all over again.


Sorry Lozza,
I am not sure I understand…? Can you supply more detail?  :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Lozza on September 30, 2010, 04:57:04 PM
Careful vmx42 this thread has moved off topic I have to envoke the.......

(http://thorgolucky.com/images/Banstick_Hyah.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on October 01, 2010, 09:11:12 PM
A women walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one. 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: GD66 on October 01, 2010, 10:39:17 PM
Good one ! ;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on October 02, 2010, 01:29:54 PM
I liked the UCLA study Mick. cheers pancho
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on October 04, 2010, 09:58:43 PM

 
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and

I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'




 

.
 

 

 


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on October 08, 2010, 04:39:16 AM
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potatoe pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f#cking will power'


 
Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck, I appear in court next Monday.


 
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '


 
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry, you'll lose it eventually '


 
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'



 

I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.



   
Snow hell! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be lucky with a face like that!'




 
I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them...............Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'





 
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!








Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 08, 2010, 06:03:00 AM
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait '

I said ' don't worry, you'll lose it eventually '


(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/roll-1.gif) Thanks Bill  8)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on October 08, 2010, 08:39:36 AM
I bought one of those 3D televisions the other day.
Man do they make things look like they are coming out of the screen at you.
I fell asleep last night watching a doco about Aborigines and when I woke up my wallet was gone.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hoony on October 08, 2010, 06:49:22 PM
Nice...... :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: FAT-TOY on October 08, 2010, 10:54:04 PM
2 work mates talking first bloke says I dont know whats wrong with me lately I was trying to order lunch earlier and do you think I could say what I meant to say, the words just wouldn't come out right and in the end I just said give me a pie.  second bloke says I know exactly what you mean at dinner last night I meant to say to the wife( can you pass me the salt) but insted I said ( you f#cked up my life you bitch)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: suzuki27 on October 11, 2010, 05:40:55 PM
Did you know:
                   That in 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom by using a sheep's bladder.
                    In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on October 11, 2010, 06:50:26 PM
Q - What is the difference between Erotic & Perverted.
A - Erotic is when you use a feather & Perverted is when you use the whole chook.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on October 11, 2010, 07:48:56 PM
Q - What is the difference between Erotic & Perverted.
A - Erotic is when you use a feather & Perverted is when you use the whole chook.
;D


Gee, I was told erotic when you used a younger woman, perverted was when you used an older woman. 8)

(Women readers can invert gender ;) :D)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: montynut on October 12, 2010, 09:35:46 AM
For your deep and meaningful consideration
 
Are you a Labor, a Liberal, or a National Voter?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,
praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Smith & Wesson 6 shot revolver gun, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?   

THINK AND READ CAREFULLY THEN SCROLL DOWN:




Labor Voter’s Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation?

Does the hand-gun have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?  Should I call 000?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have community clean -up day.  Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.

I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.   

This is all so confusing!   


...............................................................................
Liberal's Answer:
BANG!


..........................................................................
National's Amswer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'We’re those the Winchester Copper Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the Taxidermist!’


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on October 12, 2010, 09:57:02 AM
I had sex with a girl that stutters.
It was great,i managed to finish before she could say no!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on October 12, 2010, 10:02:04 AM
My girfriend doesn't like my new aftershave,called 'Chloroform.'
Apparently it makes her feel sleepy and gives her a sore arse..... :P
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on October 12, 2010, 12:43:43 PM
They're looking for 2 Muslim bashers in the Bankstown area.
I applied but aparently it's not a job.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on October 12, 2010, 02:25:18 PM
A pakistani has been shot with a starting pistol at the commonwealth games  :o

Police say the attack was definetly race related  :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on October 12, 2010, 08:10:28 PM
Got caught sniffing my mates sisters undies yesterday.
Wouldn't have been so bad but she was wearing them at the time.
He went nuts!
Made the rest of her funeral awkward.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: oldfart on October 12, 2010, 08:13:29 PM
Brad that's sick
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on October 12, 2010, 08:15:59 PM
Thanks  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Stan S on October 13, 2010, 06:51:27 AM
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up  with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a  deserted island.

After being there  awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach  every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening,  the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was  warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the  sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned  over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever  protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from  around the sheep.

After that, the three of  them continued to enjoy the sunsets together,but
there was no more  cuddling.

A few weeks passed by  and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was  Julia Gillard.

That evening, the man  brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful  evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of  romance.

Pretty soon, the man  started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as  long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told  her he hadn't had sex for months.

Julia batted her  eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

The Kiwi said, 'Take the dog  for a walk!'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on October 19, 2010, 07:31:54 PM
Got caught sniffing my mates sisters undies yesterday.
Wouldn't have been so bad but she was wearing them at the time.
He went nuts!
Made the rest of her funeral awkward.


You are definately one sick puppy Brad ::)



A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica .
 
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
 
The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,' explained the man.
 
'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy!?'

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

 And from that moment..... we have lived happily every after!
 

Keep Smiling :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: FAT-TOY on October 19, 2010, 10:30:21 PM
 Saw this sign on the wall of a railway underpass a few years ago ( NEWZEALAND SUCS) about a week later when passing the same spot noticed another sign under it (AUSTRALIA NIL)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on October 21, 2010, 11:26:54 AM
Reported  to be true--
Perth Uni. The lecturer says, right now, todays exam is very important for you people Please give your best. Mr. 20yr old smart-arse at the back says to the amusement of the whole class , Miss I am sexually exhausted from last night can I do this tomorrow? Lecturer in come-back of the year says
 'No I suggest you do the paper with your other hand!'
cheers pancho.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on November 03, 2010, 07:27:40 PM
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.  Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said, ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I  replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad,  she was here, and you could have." 

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: DOK on November 04, 2010, 12:00:48 PM
The Love Dress

A woman drops in to see her newly married daughter one afternoon and finds her laying back on the lounge completely naked.
Shocked, she asks what's going on.
Her daughter tells her whenever her husband works late she awaits him in her love dress and they make mad passionate love for hours.
Thanking her for the idea the woman heads home and prepares herself for the arrival of her husband.
Upon arrival the husband finds his wife reclined and naked on the lounge.
Shocked he asks whats going on.
She replies I am wearing my love dress .
to which he replies
well it needs ironing
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on November 04, 2010, 04:44:44 PM
I went upto a fat chick down the pub , i said "do you have a pen " "yes " she replys  :)

So i said you better get back in it before the farmer notices your gone  :)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on November 04, 2010, 06:23:43 PM
I just saw a boat load of Kiwis sinking. They were in real trouble, so I alerted the authorities.
I hope the emergency services found them, or I've just wasted a f$%king stamp!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on November 04, 2010, 06:27:11 PM
 :D  :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on November 04, 2010, 06:43:48 PM
They are getting better :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on November 04, 2010, 06:44:23 PM
Bloke goes into a shoe shop and buys a pair of tortoise-skin shoes.

Took him half hour to get out of the shop



Irish bloke goes for a job on a building site.

Boss asks "Can you brew tea?" he says "Yes"

Boss says "Can you drive a stacker truck?" he says "How bigs the forkin teapot?!"



Irish bloke goes for a job, boss says "Whats yer name?"

He says "Paddy Mulligan!", the boss says "How do you spell that?"

Paddy says "Stick the job up yer arse!"


I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in
Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.



I have a pakistani who lives next door to me,
He said the other day to me "I'm a better man than you"
I said "I never said you forking wasn't, but what makes you think your a better man than me?"
He said "I don't have a forking Paki, living next door to me"







Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on November 04, 2010, 06:45:20 PM
A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little
angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his
rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently
declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom,"
he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on November 04, 2010, 06:46:58 PM
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spit, swallow, and gargle,

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on November 04, 2010, 06:48:47 PM
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at
the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided
to take a nap.
The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out.
Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle,
anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good
morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?"
"Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely."
"But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up."
"If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected.
"That's true; but you have all the equipment."
THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
By Tom P

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on November 04, 2010, 06:51:32 PM
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on November 04, 2010, 06:54:51 PM
There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that
his cajones (testicles) ached almost all the time. As he was always
complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that
he go to the doctor see what he could be done to relieve the problem.
The midget took his advice and went to the doctor told him what
the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants he would have a
look.

The midget dropped his pants the doctor put him up onto the examining
table, and started to examine him.
The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget
to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for hernia.
"Aha!"
mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked
the midget to cough again.

"Ahhha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip,snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip,
snip, snip,
snip, snip, snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was
afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not
hurt.
The Doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants see if they still
ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around
the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

"Gee, what did you do Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on November 04, 2010, 07:02:56 PM
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They
loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could
spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained,
"and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the
barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on
their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from
an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed
at on our ski holiday up North."

Yes, I do."

Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and have sex with her?"

Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I
have to admit that I did."

And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your
name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid
I did. Why do you ask?"

No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me everything!

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on November 04, 2010, 07:08:43 PM
little johnny asked his mum one day what a puusy and bich was .mum thinking bugger how do i explain this one.so she said you know how we call the cat kitty ,pussy is just another way of saying it.well what about bitch johnny says ,no woorries mum said you know our dog spot? well amale dog is called a dog and a female dog a bitch.phew says mum i got out of that one one.little johnny wasnt real sure about mums answer so off to dad.well john dad says i think the time has come to explain a few things to you.come out to the garage and all will be explained.dad gets a copy of pent -black label with the full legs wide open centrefold.as he grabs amarker pen and circles the the fun bits he said that is a pussy within the circle,every nthing outside the circle is a bitch :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on November 04, 2010, 07:11:39 PM
Heres a  frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on November 04, 2010, 07:20:36 PM
worlds two greatest lies-yes i love youand know i wont come in your mouth
sorry thursday night late shopping and a couple of bourbons ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: AdamN on November 04, 2010, 08:39:53 PM
A husband has a real bad habit of farting all the time, daytime, night time, all the time. The wife, growing sick of all the farting says to him, "for God's sake dear, you fart that much, one day you are going to fart your guts out, you need to see someone about this". Hubby laughs, tells her not to be silly, it can't possible happen.
One Sunday morning the wife is up early stuffing a turkey for Sunday lunch, while hubby is upstairs, soundly sleeping in, with a chorus of constant farting  every few minutes. The wife see's the dish of guts and turkey insides and has a great idea to scare the husband, and finally get him to seek help for his problem. She get's the dish of guts and gizzard and quietly sneaks into the bedroom, carefully pulls his undies back and tips the turkey guts into the back of his pants. "This will teach him" she said to herself as she quietly snuck out back to the kitchen and continues to prepare for the day's lunch.
A little while later, the wife hears a blood curdling scream from upstairs. She can hardly stop herself from rolling around on the floor in a fit of laughter. Finally, she contains her composure, and notices everything is quiet upstairs.
Just then, the husband, white as ghost, carefully makes his way down the stairs to the kitchen. The wife, barely holding it together again says, "what's the matter dear". He turns to her and says " you know how you said that one day I would end up in trouble if I kept up the constant farting? Well, you were right, this morning I let out a big one and it woke me up, and I found a mess in my undies, I farted my guts out". He continues " but don't worry dear, with the grace of God, these two fingers, and the jar of Vasoline in the bathroom, I got them all back in".
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on November 04, 2010, 08:46:10 PM
Billy, your killing me, but don't forget we have mixed company.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: suzuki27 on November 04, 2010, 09:18:14 PM
A guy with a shoe fetish gets on a long haul flight and happens to be sitting beside an attractive woman-  wearing nice shoes.
After a while it gets too much for him and he asks;"Can I smell your shoes?"
The woman replies; "You most certainly can NOT".
The guy replies with;"It must be your cu.t" then"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: FAT-TOY on November 04, 2010, 10:21:11 PM
 2 mates a Hyena and a Monkey are talking and the Monkey says I'm braver than you are,  and the Hyena replys no I'm braver than you,  and the Monkey says no I'm braver than you, then before the Hyena can answer a Lion jumps out from behind a tree grabs the Hyena and starts to tear it to bits, after a few minutes it spits the half dead Hyena out and walks away.  The Monkey comes down from the tree where he was hidding and stood over his mate. The hyena then says I thought you said you were brave, why didn't you come down and help me, the Monkey replyed the way you were laughing I thought you were getting on top.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on November 05, 2010, 01:15:45 AM
I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.

A poor homeless man sat there and said,  'I've not eaten for two days'.

I told him,  'I wish I had your f#cking will power'.


A woman buys  a wall mirror from K-Mart, manager says, 'Would you like a screw for that mirror ?'

She said,  'No, but I'd suck your penis for a lawn mower'.

 
Top Tip: If you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you

               that because it's so hot  she will be sleeping with her flaps open,

               it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex ...........


Wish  me luck; I appear in court next Monday.
 
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today ....

Apparently the instruction 'Finish off on her face ' didn't mean What I thought it did.

 
A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said, 'Sorry about the wait.'

I said, 'Don't worry fatty ,  you're bound to lose it ... eventually.'


 A Nuffie is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, his Nuffie buddy meets him & says, 

'If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?'

The first Nuffie replys, 'If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there, you can have both of them.'

The Second Nuffie says,  'Four.'



One of life's great mysteries:
How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch butt, IN THE DARK ....

but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT

Snow ... eh!

The TV weather woman said she was expecting  8 inches tonight, I thought to myself,   

'Fat chance with a face like that!'
 
I have a new chat up line that works every time ....

It doesn't matter how  gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be,  this line is a winner ...

AND I always end up in bed with them:

Here's how it goes,   'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? 

                             Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you ?'


Years ago it was suggested, 'That an apple a day kept the doctor away.'

But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.

 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on November 05, 2010, 10:14:39 AM
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .   They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.





The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex fanatic?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.  As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'







 






 

 



 




 

 



 

 
 





Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hoony on November 07, 2010, 05:18:35 PM
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and said,  'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' 
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's  me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, doesn't go fast, doesn't handle, doesn't stop, doesn't give VMX riders the horn, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and read the results.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,'  God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on November 07, 2010, 05:33:41 PM
Thats nasty comparing women to HD..now a Honda would be getter cause we are more the same..fast ,hot blooded, can turn red faster and sleak lookin  ;D

Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: hitatreeonce on November 07, 2010, 08:55:19 PM
What do you do if the wife is covered in blood running round the back yard screaming?
....
...
..
.
Take a breath careful aim and fire again!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on November 07, 2010, 09:59:11 PM
Just confided in my girlfriend about my premature ejaculation problems.
She was really good about it and took it on the chin  :P
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on November 07, 2010, 10:03:07 PM
I met a girl at the park.
Sparks flew between us instantly,she fell at my feet and i had sex with her.
I thought to myself 'these taser guns are really worth the money!'  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on November 07, 2010, 10:12:19 PM
Two mates having a drink.
One says 'if i went to your house while you were at work,got a blowie off your wife, sucked her nipples,had sex with her and she got pregnant....would that make us related?'
Mate replies......'dunno about related but it would definitely make us even.' :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on November 08, 2010, 06:55:57 AM
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

   
_____________________________

       

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.  But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_(hahahahahaha....)_______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the  van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on November 09, 2010, 11:41:29 PM

=============================================
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please, my Lord."

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:

"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"




 
 
 

 




 


 


 
 
 


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on November 10, 2010, 12:06:41 AM

>
>                          A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to
> have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he
> didn't live far and would just walk home.
>
>                          On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store
> and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed
> store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling
> outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases
> home.
>
>                          While he was scratching his head he was
> approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can
> you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
>
>                          The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my
> farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry
> this lot.'
>
>
>                           The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the
> can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken
> under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
>                          'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded
> to walk the old girl home.
>
>                          On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and
> go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
>
>                          The little old lady looked him over cautiously
> then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I
> know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,
> pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
>
>                          The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady!  I'm carrying
> a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world
> could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
>
>                          The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover
> him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the
> chickens
>
>
>
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Fabulous on November 10, 2010, 12:44:26 AM
So a Father Shark and a Son Shark are swimming around and they see a cruise ship sinking so they swim over to have a look.
Sure enough the boat is sinking , there are people thrashing about in the water.
"Dad, can we go and eat them?" says the Son Shark
"Not yet son, swim around the people with just the tips of your fins showing". So they do that.
"Can we eat them now,Dad?" says the Son
"Not yet my boy, now swim around them with ALL your fins showing". So they do that
"Now Dad, Can we eat them now?"  "yes boy eat them now" says the Dad. So they tuck in.
As they are swimming away the Son Shark asks his Dad why they had to circle the people twice before they ate them.
"Thats easy son" says the Dad... "They taste better without the sh*t inside!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Stan S on November 10, 2010, 06:50:33 AM
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
 
"Well, whatcha' gonna do 'bout it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
 
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
 
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
 
"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then, some asshole shows up and drinks the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 10, 2010, 08:35:19 AM
A woman's dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German tourist dives in, pulls out the dog, resuscitates it and saves its life.

'Are you a vet' asked the woman.

'Vet?' said the German 'Im f…ing soaked!'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 10, 2010, 10:38:40 AM
Young Arab asks his father:

- What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?

-  It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !

-  And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?

-  It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !

-  And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?

-  These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !

-  Tell me, papa....

-  Yes, my son ?

-  ... Why are we living in Bankstown and still wearing all this shit ? 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Frank M on November 11, 2010, 08:06:07 PM
Why men do not get cellulite?


















Because it just looks like shit.  8)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 11, 2010, 09:40:17 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/th_Retard.jpg) (http://s323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/?action=view&current=Retard.mp4)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 11, 2010, 11:24:48 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOrjcLJ2IE0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_N0w2rORwSc&feature=related
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: frostype400 on November 12, 2010, 08:17:17 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIrvpn3k9A4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MytfhzcSF-Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHCxdlZ7G18&feature=channel
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on November 12, 2010, 09:12:05 AM
joel monahan has a new contract - with canterbury ,the bulldogs.they have asked for a drug test ,to which the answer was thats fine the sample is in the lab
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on November 12, 2010, 09:48:01 AM
I found a young homeless girl hidden out by the bins last night.
She was dirty and didn't smell too good,but underneath the grime i could see she was pretty and
had a good body.
I brought her inside and gave her a bath.
As i was towelling off her naked body i became aroused and one thing led to another.
Before i knew it i was making passionate love to her.
I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was alive  :P
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on November 12, 2010, 09:50:42 AM
My gran just walked in on me having a toss.
She was so surprised she had a stroke.
I couldn't believe how soft her hands were.....
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on November 12, 2010, 10:01:04 AM
God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking,drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven...
The man says he'll try...
God visits the man a week later to see how he's getting on..
"Not bad" says the man. "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite
& I caught sight of her long slender legs,I pulled up her skirt,pulled her knickers to one side and gave it to her hard and fast from behind".
"They don't like that in heaven" replies God...
The man says "They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on November 19, 2010, 05:52:55 PM
Good Mums let you lick the beaters,great Mums turn the mixer off first !!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on November 23, 2010, 02:55:28 PM






A blonde was on holiday and driving thru Darwin ..
She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde  shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank when he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimey banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out........." SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 

 

 

 

 





Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pirie593 on November 23, 2010, 04:42:16 PM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in
a small  club in Sydney western suburbs.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes
when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

 'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do
with her worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep women like me from
being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full
potential as people.


 
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general... and all in the name of humour!'


 The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You
stay out of this mate! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!'

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on November 23, 2010, 05:34:52 PM
To Be 6 Again!
 
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his  wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.
 
'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .
 
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
 
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.
 
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite  candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
 
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.
 
 
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'
 
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
 
'I meant my dress size, you f*** retard!!!!'
 
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: suzuki27 on November 24, 2010, 01:45:46 PM
I went to a really beautiful female Doctor for my annual check-up.
She told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked "why"?
She said,"because I am trying to examine you".
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on November 24, 2010, 08:39:28 PM
I went to a beautiful female doctor too. I was all nervous and fidgeting and said I was a bit uncomfortable about telling my problem to a female doctor. She said ''just relax, I am a professional and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Now tell me your problem.''
I said , ''I think my di#k tastes funny''.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: suzuki27 on November 24, 2010, 10:08:50 PM
Did she bulk- bill you?
or did you only get the mastur-rebate ?
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on November 25, 2010, 01:43:06 AM
Kids know far too much these days.
Today in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls immitating
the doggy position.
I bent down & told her,"You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that.
She replied,"I don't think so,he's doing her up the arse"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on November 25, 2010, 02:04:23 PM
The hard way to get a beer....

http://www.break.com/index/amazing-beer-bottle-dominoes.html
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on November 27, 2010, 01:00:11 AM
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems..

'Dactor, it's me ahrse I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look..

'Incredible', he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.

'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on November 27, 2010, 09:59:20 AM
You're an eedyet! :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: suzuki27 on December 03, 2010, 07:49:25 AM
T-Shirt I saw the other day.

                  I wish my lawn was an Emo'
                  So it would cut itself.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on December 06, 2010, 10:57:23 AM
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Arkansas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked
At the three of them and said, "So ya'all want to be cops, huh?" The
blondes all nodded in the affirmative.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be
a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice
Things such as distinguishing features and oddities, like scars and so Forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and
withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any
distinguishing features about this man?"
The blond immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first
blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her
face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice
anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear
what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of
Course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde
sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and
said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....", He flashed the photo
in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The
detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at
some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a
puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he
wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his
Picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only
One eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on December 07, 2010, 07:39:22 AM
http://craphound.com/images/or2dv.jpg
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 07, 2010, 10:59:57 AM
http://craphound.com/images/or2dv.jpg
That would be a 'no' I take it ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 07, 2010, 06:12:56 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/914.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on December 08, 2010, 10:26:45 AM
 A black baby was given a pair of wings by God. He asks "God does this

> mean that I am an angel?

> God laughs 'of course not you silly prick. You’re a fly!



> Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do I always

> get a hard on when I look at myself?"

> Wife says "Coz your cock thinks you’re a c%^t too"

>

>

> Why is there only one pall bearer at a Ragheads  funeral?

> Because there’s only one handle on a wheelie bin!

>

>

> Talk about forking Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I recently came back

> from a tour of duty in Afghanistan ..

> Having not seen my wife for months I was looking forward to a night of

> hot passionate sex.

> Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel around her head

> so I shot her!

>

>

> Two blokes talking. Do you look at your wife's face when you make love?

> I did once and saw the anger in her face.

> Why anger?

> Because she was watching from the forking window.

>

>

> > Scientists found that many women develop " Hoover 's Disease" after a

> year of marriage.

> They make a continuous forking whining noise and don't suck anymore.

>

>

> Just watched "antiques road show".

> This old lady placed a used tampon on the table and said "There you go

> you clever bastard tell me what period that’s from"

>

>

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on December 08, 2010, 10:30:31 AM
Murphy's' old lady  had been  pregnant for some time and now  the time had come.

He brought her to the   doctor and the doctor began to deliver the  baby.

She had a little boy, and the  doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey,   Murph! You just had you a  son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got  excited by this, but just then the doctor   spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't   finished  yet, !'

The doctor  then delivered a little girl.

He said,  'Hey, Murph! You got you a  daughter, !!!!  She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy  got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor  said, 'Hold on, we  aint got done yet,  !'

The doctor then delivered another boy  and said,  Murph, you just had   yourself another boy, !'

Murphy  said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem   babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You  never know Murph, it was probably something that  happened during  conception.' 

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during  conception.'

When Murph and his wife went  home with their three  children, he sat  down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you  remember dat night  that we ran out of  Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1  Oil.'


She said, 'Yeah, I   remember dat night...'

Murph said,  'I'll tell you, ......it's a  f?? kin' good ting we didn't  use WD-40.

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Husk72 on December 08, 2010, 03:12:04 PM
Ahhhh,all good stuff.


Scientists have recently discovered that the average weight for womens breasts is 1.5kgs.
They're yet to discover the average weight of a c#&t.
So, could you please pop on the scales and call me!


Chilean miner making love to his wife for the first time since released from under the ground....
"can we switch the lights off?"
"Of course,honey"
"can I have you from behind?"
"anything you want my brave boy."
"Ok,can I call you Pedro?"


A teacher asked her class to use the word handsome in a sentence
A blonde sticks her hand up and replies....
"When I'm sucking dick and my jaw gets sore,I use my handsome time."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Husk72 on December 08, 2010, 03:18:13 PM
Two more....

I had my first night with my new Thai bride...
We got into foreplay,and I was sucking her off,when I thought, "Hang on a f#@king minute !

Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.
By the end you'll wish you had a f%#king club,and a spade!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on December 08, 2010, 05:05:40 PM
Got a Chev badge on your Holden?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkeMvvm5sGA
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 08, 2010, 05:39:31 PM
Got a Chev badge on your Holden?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkeMvvm5sGA
My daughter was asking me about Chevy badgers on Holdens the other day: I don't think I'll refer her to this vid to further her education ::) ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 08, 2010, 05:47:48 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/816.jpg)

That didn't end well did it? ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on December 09, 2010, 10:24:05 AM
My closet gay friend drowned while he was on holiday in Egypt and no one can find him.

I think hes in denial.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 09, 2010, 12:17:43 PM
A summary of the Battle of the Sexes  ::).

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/1242.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 10, 2010, 06:11:27 AM
Choose your number plate carefully ;) ;D

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/818.jpg)

(Truth or PaintShop ::))
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hoony on December 11, 2010, 01:30:53 PM
A good citizen

 

Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western Aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan.

 

He was standing on a jetty in Sydney Harbour.

He got so excited he lost his footing and fell in and could not swim.

Being a responsible citizen, I notified the emergency services.

By noon today, they still hadn't arrived.

I'm beginning to think, I've wasted a forking stamp!

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 16, 2010, 10:54:17 AM
Redundant sign  ::).

(Not photoshopped; Britain today ;) :))

Ah, Australia, one day hot and humid, the next day perfect  ;D.

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/_50364049_010803427-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: DOK on December 16, 2010, 01:38:18 PM
   
 

 
Ken and Edna 






Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year  Ken would say,

' Edna , I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied, 'I know Ken , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'       

One year  Ken and Edna went to the fair, and  Ken said, ' Edna , I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. 
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't
charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken  and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to  Ken and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'

Ken  replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out,

But you know..................

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
 

 

 


 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: firko on December 17, 2010, 10:57:12 AM
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known.

Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3.. There are two theories to arguing with a woman .. . Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. ?The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10.. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 17, 2010, 11:15:33 AM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/locoalvolante2.jpg)Thanks Firko, there's some classics there ;D.

How about;

"First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it."

or

"Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. "



Maybe we should do the VMX equivalents.  ;) :D
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 17, 2010, 07:27:39 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/1159.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mainline on December 19, 2010, 02:49:14 PM
Baywatch vid

http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=eYb3aQjWp78
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on December 20, 2010, 09:18:22 AM
That's a ripper classic Mainline. The boys have done well.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 20, 2010, 10:03:24 AM
Baywatch vid
http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=eYb3aQjWp78

Fantastic,,execellent- send some this way  :P  8)
cheers A

 and some extreme fittness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFWf60ln8II&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 20, 2010, 06:21:59 PM


(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT000033.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT000077.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT000088.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT000099.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT0001010.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT0001111.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/ATT0001212.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/4.jpg)

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/3.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/2.gif)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/xmas/merryXmas.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 22, 2010, 11:19:30 AM
Baywatch vid

http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=eYb3aQjWp78

Just watched the interview with film editor on Sunrise..explosion on youtube with 25,000 hits .  8)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on December 23, 2010, 07:50:49 AM
'Chinglish', now there’s a new word for you.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/talking_point/8220166.stm
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on December 23, 2010, 09:18:59 PM
A Blonde goes to Big W to buy a xmas tree.
The guy on the checkout asks if she's gonna put it up herself.


She replies "No, its going in the loungeroom you sick ****"!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: DOK on December 24, 2010, 11:19:30 AM
Just heard the lifegaurd at the local pool was dismissed.
All he did was point out the no bombing sign the arabs
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on December 24, 2010, 04:55:47 PM
Man, I'm exhausted! Just spent all day painting the rocks in my front yard white.
I hope it was worth the effort - I really hope the Kiwi across the road challenges me to a snowball fight this Christmas.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on December 26, 2010, 09:32:39 PM
Heard a good one the other day.
You should have been there...

This ones alright too.
Hubby comes home to see the wife watching the telly. She's watching a cooking show.
He laughs and says to her, ''why are you watching that for? You don't know how to cook!"
She turns to him and says " well you can talk. You're always watching porn".....
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on December 26, 2010, 09:42:38 PM
Hubby comes home to see the wife watching the telly. She's watching a cooking show.
He laughs and says to her, ''why are you watching that for? You don't know how to cook!"
She turns to him and says " well you can talk. You're always watching porn".....
:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;
Obiviously he couldn't dance ;D

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on December 26, 2010, 10:25:56 PM
What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Afghanistan?
A map!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on December 26, 2010, 10:28:21 PM
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/kiwispeak.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on December 26, 2010, 11:27:17 PM
While we are on the subject of kiwi's  8)

New Zealands most GOOGLE searched word is 'SHEEP'   :o


Dont laugh cause Australia is second !  ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on December 27, 2010, 08:09:43 AM
While we are on the subject of kiwi's  8)

New Zealands most GOOGLE searched word is 'SHEEP'   :o


Dont laugh cause Australia is second !  ;D  ;D
lots of NZer's looking for a date
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Davey Crocket on December 27, 2010, 08:12:24 AM
Brad's speaking from experience....worked for him ;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: FAT-TOY on December 27, 2010, 07:35:22 PM
 Man goes for a walk in the New Zealand country side, sees a farmer behind a barn with one of his ewes. The man says thats a really nice sheep do you shear it?  The farmer replies " NO I KEEP HER ALL FOR MYSELF "
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on December 27, 2010, 09:57:48 PM
2010 version

(http://i1199.photobucket.com/albums/aa474/090bvb/et.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on December 28, 2010, 09:01:43 AM
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: sudman on December 28, 2010, 09:45:59 AM
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pancho on December 28, 2010, 05:59:00 PM
  The English lady dropped her purse of the edge of the railway platform onto the track.
  She asked a railway porter to get it for her,
  He answered "sorry Madam thats below my station."

cheers  pancho
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: trailietrash on December 28, 2010, 09:40:42 PM
A young boy standing on the railway station platform said to his Mother... If big cows have little cows and big sheep have little sheep then why don't big trains have little trains?
I don't know why.. said his Mother, but you could ask the Station Master.
so the young boy went up to the Station Master and said... excuse me Sir... If big cows have little cows and big sheep have little sheep then why don't big trains have little trains?
Ah.. said the Station Master, that is because the big trains always pull out on time  :D



















Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: GD66 on December 29, 2010, 07:03:13 PM
             

      Message for Agent Ponting :

      Mission accomplished !


      Return to England asap....








Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: suzuki27 on December 29, 2010, 07:44:28 PM
I think he might be a Double Agent.
I think Seigfried from "Chaos" got to him while Max and the Chief were busy!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: monaro308 on December 29, 2010, 10:17:23 PM
Simple animation to explain complex principles:-
These are great mechanical principles...shows the greatness of the human mind
1: Aircraft Radial Engine
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_24A4D358AADB467EB18870B4E80CBC8BstuartPC.gif)
2: Oval Regulation
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_63591CA4275846AF84099BBA17FA8F81stuartPC.gif)
3: Sewing Machines
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_EEDCD9515D3F489982E59665DE8BDE5DstuartPC.gif)
4: Malta Cross movement - second hand movement used to control the clock
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_96CECEBA0E654F5C90091B3E0C4FAE38stuartPC.gif)
5: Auto Change file mechanism
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_1338191669C2449D84D508E595ABB293stuartPC.gif)
6: Auto Constant Velocity Universal Joint
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_DE5B6973EC954615B560858083D1B804stuartPC.gif)
7: Gun Ammunition loading system
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_7CBCC25471A5440688ED97957B561F66stuartPC.gif)
8: Rotary Engine - an internal combustion engine, the heat rather than the piston movement into rotary movement
(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_28123817648842C2B12FDE64DBF60FACstuartPC.gif)
9: Inline Engine - it's cylinders lined up side by side
 (http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_6F0DD48EBC9A43F2B30DC0B10CA70D29stuartPC.gif)

(http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa250/hjcoupe/cid_894BB77C12DE45B59062FDA8D95E84DAstuartPC.jpg)
 
 

 

 

 

 




 


 









 
 
 


 
 
 



 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on December 30, 2010, 10:13:10 AM
That sounds like most of the cars we work on now days- take one basic 4 cycle engine, hook up to a computor(management system) and it turns into a c#*t (Vagina) of a thing!!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on December 31, 2010, 09:57:14 PM
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2,000 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50 million in forged British banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said: "We're shocked; we never knew we had a Library!!"

______________

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.  It was not a terrorist attack; a bunk bed collapsed. 

Police are attributing the blame to AL IKEA.

______________

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

______________

Speaking of which, I've heard that Apple have scrapped plans for a new children's iPod after realising that iTouchKids is not a good product name.

______________

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sports shirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me: "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back: " Manchester United."

______________

My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre.  He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Grandad."

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

The child replied, "Grandad."

The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"

The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "Red wine and women with nice  tits and long legs"


Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on January 03, 2011, 02:07:14 PM
Politically incorrect? 


I walked past an abo sitting on the ground this arvo, & he said, "Any change
mate"?
 
I said no, you're still black.
_____________________________ ______________________________ _
I've just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop.

I only asked for a bomber jacket.

Touchy bastards.
_____________________________ ______________________________
 
I'm going to KFC for the Julia Gillard Meal deal tonight

2 small breasts, 2 large thighs, & a big red box.
_____________________________ ______________________________
 
I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.
 
All I said was, "will you bastards hurry up, some of us have a home to go
to".
_____________________________ ______________________________
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 blokes then
dropped the mike on his foot & said "fork me".
 
What happened next will haunt me forever..
Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
 
 
 
 
 



 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: cyclegod on January 03, 2011, 04:39:03 PM

I'm going to KFC for the Julia Gillard Meal deal tonight

2 small breasts, 2 large thighs, & a big red box.

you forgot to mention that the "big red box" has a Colonels face on it  ;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Canam370 on January 03, 2011, 06:28:29 PM
Hey CG, I like the new avatar. I watched for ages and she never gets tired. Must be a fitness freak......... :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on January 03, 2011, 09:05:29 PM
A wealthy family took their frail, elderly grandmother to a famous and expensive nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses luxuriously bathed her- fed her a tasty breakfast cooked by a famous chef, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.

The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Grandma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied.

"Except they won't let me fart."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on January 04, 2011, 03:33:40 PM
Not really a joke but a bit of a laugh:

Forget air marshals and pleading pursers subduing wayward airline passengers – when it comes to air rage you need a genuine macho man. I feigned death in Business Class and left air-rage resolution in the cheap seats to the big guy who needs his beauty sleep.

Heh! Business Class. No queues all the way to Frankfurt. Some legroom. Maybe even a bit of broken sleep if I drink enough port.

A few years ago Lufthansa Business Class was not a patch on the flat-bed facilities you get today, but at least it was a break from the cramped incessantly-broken nightmare in the back of the plane. Well, as it turns out, not a total break.

It’s two in the morning. I have, let us be truthful, not drunk water with dinner. Or, for some time, before. The wine was excellent. I am restful. A doze is in order. I am reluctantly awoken when the cabin chime rings with exaggerated urgency at two in the morning. Through the groggy cloud of partial consciousness, I’m waiting for what must surely be the captain’s announcement of imminent death and order to don life-jackets and/or oxygen masks. It doesn’t come.

It’s far worse.

Instead a tense voice delivers a crisp Teutonic announcement:

“Ladies und Chentelmen, ze Kapitan. If zere are anny military or police personnel on board, please make yourselves known to ze kabin crew immediately!”

I sink further into my costly seat. The commander has my attention, though I feign death in the darkened cabin. If there’s any calamity unfolding in the back of the aircraft, frankly it’s their problem. I wish no part of it. I can hear a bit of commotion in the rear of the plane, but my stillness is an award-winning approximation of a death in the family.

Another announcement comes over the PA telling us that unless someone with military or police expertise is available, we will have to land at the next available airport. At this stage we’re over Niger or Algeria or Chad or God-knows where. But it’s not anywhere you’d plan to spend the rest of the night. This is serious.

I am resolute. Heroically, I remain corpse-like. Two minutes pass and now a third hysterical dispatch from the flight deck ratchets up the tension on board as we slice through the dark African sky:

“Ladies und chentelmen, PLEASE! Anny military or police personnel please identify yourself to ze crew.”

Across the aisle the most spectacularly-built and tanned young man with a crew cut and tight-fitting white T-shirt slowly gets up and stretches his expensive steroid-fuelled muscles. He actually ripples and bulges like an advertisement for testosterone. He’s pissed off rather than scared – his costly Business Class slumber has been disturbed. He’s like Rambo, only meaner and bigger. Probably better spoken too. He’s so wide he has to shuffle sideways down the aisle.

He storms purposefully and crab-like down to the rear of the aircraft and soon after there’s the sound of breaking glass, exclamations, screams and what I suspect is collapsing bone and tearing flesh. Then silence.

I attempt to drain more blood from my face and press further into my seat. What calamity could have befallen our hero? Will I be next? Are we doomed? There is some more confused commotion and then the young Hercules strides triumphantly back to his seat, slumps disgruntled into it and falls asleep. His knuckles are bleeding.

The cabin chime rings again. It’s the captain.

“Ladies und Chentlemen,” he says professionally, “If zere are any medical personnel on board, please make yourselves known to ze kabin crew.”

I’m asleep in seconds.

And the sucker in steerage who got all aggro with the cabin staff is arrested as the aircraft door opens safe on the ground in Frankfurt. Business Class – it’s the business.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on January 04, 2011, 06:39:46 PM
Hey CG, I like the new avatar. I watched for ages and she never gets tired. Must be a fitness freak......... :D
She's a hypnotist . I was certainly hypnotised!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on January 05, 2011, 09:58:52 AM
Don't you mean hypo-tits, they're a bit saggy already
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on January 05, 2011, 12:37:35 PM
Don't you mean hypo-tits, they're a bit saggy already
What are you on about? Saggy ! As if you could afford to be that fussy. They would look great on my face! Oh yeah. :P
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Canam370 on January 05, 2011, 12:51:47 PM

What are you on about? Saggy ! As if you could afford to be that fussy. They would look great on my face! Oh yeah. :P
[/quote]



I believe they would be called jowls then Brad.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on January 05, 2011, 09:50:48 PM

What are you on about? Saggy ! As if you could afford to be that fussy. They would look great on my face! Oh yeah. :P



I believe they would be called jowls then Brad.
[/quote]
 :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :'( ;D :D :D ;D :'( :D ;D :D :D :'( :D ;D :D ;D :D :'( :
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on January 06, 2011, 02:16:12 PM
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the Melbourne, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.' The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs.
'Stupid Australian docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!'
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on January 06, 2011, 11:06:04 PM
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found ‘absolutely **** all’. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
Title: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 07, 2011, 07:19:21 PM
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month,  Sydney University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.  The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
 

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
 
1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
 
3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.
 
5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.
 
7) Failed to think rationally, and
 
8 ) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

You have been warned  ;) :D ;D
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 12, 2011, 12:09:02 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/pic18467.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on January 18, 2011, 05:57:08 PM
Q. What's a mixed feeling? 
   
   A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

   
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
     
  Q What's the height of conceit?
   
   A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~


   Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'? 
   
   A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
   
   A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? 
   
   A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
   
   A. Because it's worth it!

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q. What is a Yankee?
   
   A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common? 
   
   A. They both like a tight seal.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
   
   A. Their balls are just for decoration.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'? 
   
   A. About three inches.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
   
   A. The grip.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony? 
   
   A. It's not hard.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

     
  Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife? 
   
   A: 45 pounds.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~


   Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
   
   A: 45 minutes.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

  Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? 
   
   A: Breasts don't have eyes.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

     

   Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
   
   A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~


   Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? 
  A . They don't have balls to scratch!
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
 
   

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on January 18, 2011, 05:57:56 PM
A policeman in Adelaide pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written:
 

"This man suffers from chronic asthma.
Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"

The man produced another letter.

This one said:

”This man is a hemophiliac.
Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read:

"This man plays cricket for Australia; please don't take the piss out of him"
 

 
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Captain Bilko on January 18, 2011, 06:23:22 PM
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

   Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'? 
   
   A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~


There's an old school motocrosser off of this forum who rode his 'pushy' home after having his and then played raquetball that night..... :P
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on January 18, 2011, 10:18:52 PM
This was sent to the usual suspects but I liked it that much I thought I'd share it with a wider audience!

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes  producing an anticlimax.



Ø   I asked God for a bike, but I know God  doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Ø    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
 
Ø    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear  bright until you hear them speak.
 
Ø    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
 
Ø    We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
   
Ø    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a  train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
 
Ø    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the  street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are  sexy.
 
Ø    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: shorelinemc on January 19, 2011, 03:23:16 PM
3 blokes where walking down the road when the see a sheep stuck head 1st in a fence,the australian says i wish that was elle macphearson,the pommie says i wish that was kate moss,the kiwi says i wish it was dark
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: asasin on January 19, 2011, 05:45:07 PM
From a dirt bike add circa 77
 SPEED KILLS ! ride a Yamaha
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: bigk on January 19, 2011, 07:34:14 PM
Love this one...
A man was driving around the backwoods in USA somewhere when he saw a sign on a fence which said talking dog for sale. Intrigued he stopped to inquire. " You have a talking dog for sale?" "Yes, he's out the back." was the reply. Sure enough out the back was a golden labrador retriever. "Can you talk?" "Yep." was the reply. "So what's your story then?" "Well I learnt I could talk at a fairly young age and got a job with the CIA. I actually became their number 1 spy, travelling the world, sitting in with the Germans, Russians, etc as no-one ever suspected a dog of evesdropping. The travelling started to ge me down so I got a job at the airport. Not only could I sniff the drugs, but could listen in as well. Made some really good busts back then. After that I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm retired."
Impressed the man asked the dogs owner how much? "Ten dollars." "Ten dollars, that dog is amazing, why so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit!"
Cheers,
K
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on January 19, 2011, 08:17:46 PM
BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE  DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A  CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND  WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD  GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A  $45,000 CAR,SEVEN VINTAGE DIRT BIKES, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.  IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.  SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD  GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN  A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND  WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS!
  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on January 20, 2011, 06:02:50 PM
Due to the popularity of facebook and the inevitable over crowding, they are moving all ethnic members to a new site and calling it junglebook  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: tony27 on January 21, 2011, 07:25:13 PM
I've heard that 1 before but it's flawed, only works if you were born last century. If you take whole birthyear & this years age it equals 2011 though & will do all this century  ::)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 23, 2011, 09:06:27 PM
My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?"

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake." ...............














.......... Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM ;D

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT111.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 24, 2011, 10:41:30 PM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/image0011.jpg) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on January 24, 2011, 11:06:34 PM
I was walking down the road when I noticed my Arab neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony, shaking a carpet. I yelled to him, "What's wrong Abdul? Won't it start?" 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on January 26, 2011, 07:06:17 AM
Took a dyslexic woman home last night, told her what to do - she ended up cooking my sock!

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby.

Just Fostered a Muslim kid.
All 4 cans hit him right on the back of the head.

Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke.
All I said was, "Golly, you're tall."

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the beanstalk',in Birmingham .
Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, and Luton : because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Muslim terrorists have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Years ago it was suggested that, 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away.'
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: chrisdespo on January 26, 2011, 10:13:32 AM
There was a bloke walking down the road swearing and spitting going #$@& I'm lucky to be alive! the coppers grabbed him and said mate you can't go around carrying on like that whats going on ? the bloke goes you see officer its like this i was walking down the lane over there and this giant of a man comes up and hold a gun to my head and says suck this or i will blow your head off , shit @#!& i'm lucky to be alive!!!!!!!! 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TM BILL on January 27, 2011, 05:58:39 AM
The Old Flame


I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to
enjoy together.


I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "old magic".


"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.


"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older
and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really
have the energy I used to have."


She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".


"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few
inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she
was sure I would still be a great lover.



Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"



So I told her to fork off.
 




Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 27, 2011, 02:01:46 PM
Dear Romeo,
        My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
                                                        Sincerely, Juliet
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 28, 2011, 11:42:01 AM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT44447.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT44446.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/25b58658449afc404baa2eb217bed3fe.jpg)(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/funnies/ATT44438.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on January 28, 2011, 07:03:26 PM
Thanks for those last couple TM and Graham, just what I needed at the end of a tough week.
Cheers.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on January 28, 2011, 09:49:05 PM
(http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n289/bdavies_02/image005.jpg)

(http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n289/bdavies_02/image002.jpg)

(http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n289/bdavies_02/image001.jpg)

(http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n289/bdavies_02/image006.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on January 30, 2011, 07:49:18 PM
(http://a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs745.ash1/163715_10150130805141412_665511411_7792313_7844221_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on January 30, 2011, 08:20:50 PM
Islamic exremists have gone on a rampage in the Bankstown area of Sydney killing all non Muslim residents.
Police expect the death toll to reach 5.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 30, 2011, 09:08:56 PM
Dear Santa,
       Please tell me how you managed to stop at just three Ho's.
                                                          Sincerely, Tiger Woods
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on January 30, 2011, 09:13:28 PM
  Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – all he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary!!



Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on January 30, 2011, 09:26:06 PM
:D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D :'( :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :'(  :D ;D :D ;D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: SLAWESY on January 30, 2011, 09:28:31 PM
Quote
  Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – all he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary!!


Brad you should have your own prime time show!!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on January 30, 2011, 09:41:43 PM
A tight dress is like a barbed wire fence.
It protects the premises with out restricting the view.

Marriage is like getting into a hot bath tub. After a while it aint so hot.

I was walking down the road when I saw my Arab neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him " What's wrong Abdul? Won't it start?

Sex is the price women pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men pay for sex!
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on January 30, 2011, 10:10:09 PM
Sex is the price women pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men pay for sex!
;) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Mike52 on January 31, 2011, 09:28:07 PM
Englishman Scottsman and an Irishman were discussing closing time in their respective pubs.

Englishman says" at closing time we all drink up and go home"

Scottsman says " at closing time we put a beer on the bar and we all fight to see who drinks it"

Irishman says" Your pubs are shyte, in an Irish pub you pay for the first drink then you get shouted drinks all night long then
at closing time they take you up stairs and you get laid."

The Englishman say,s " what a load of tripe paddy, has this ever happened to you?"




The Irishman replies " no but it happened to my sister"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on January 31, 2011, 09:42:14 PM
http://attitude.adforum.com/top5/2010/01/27/aides-graffiti-tbwaparis/
 ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on February 01, 2011, 09:46:25 PM
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.   Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.


He replied in disgust  "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"


Paddy handed his drink back and said  "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Don't mind this one either....


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey!  There's a bloke here who was 152!"


Paddy says "What's his name ?"


Mick replies "Miles,  from London !"
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on February 02, 2011, 08:09:43 AM
Brad, where do you get this shit!!! :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: FAT-TOY on February 02, 2011, 04:41:23 PM
My Wifes Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


My Diary:

  Parts from the U.S. still haven't turned up yet, and I cant get the bloody Husky to start, can't figure out why , got a root though .






Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on February 02, 2011, 08:12:26 PM
Brad, where do you get this shit!!! :D :D :D
Other forum members mainly  :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on February 02, 2011, 08:58:17 PM
Good one Fat, I think we can all relate to that.
We are so misunderstood.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: GD66 on February 02, 2011, 10:09:12 PM
Brad, where do you get this shit!!! :D :D :D
Other forum members mainly  :D



Exhumed from the crypt, more like.... ;)....and a few old favourites from the mcnews.com giggle file...


Keep 'em coming, son... ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 02, 2011, 10:46:14 PM
Dear Fox News,
        So far, no news about foxes.
                                    Sincerely, Unimpressed
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on February 03, 2011, 08:10:58 AM
That's worse than watching Fox Sport. The only game foxes play is the hunt -and they always seem to lose, outnumbered I believe.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: FAT-TOY on February 03, 2011, 12:32:16 PM
THIS IS SO SCARY THAT THEY ARE HERE AND THEY EXIST!!!!” 

Even in Australia

IDIOT SIGHTINGS.

 I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but
they could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me
back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at MacD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, 'Lady,
you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said,
'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich, Qld.


IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local
council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING
sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

I went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
I asked the
person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our
car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door.
As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that
it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply,
'I know. I already got that side.'


STAY ALERT!   
They walk among us...
 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: FAT-TOY on February 03, 2011, 01:23:53 PM
*Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch *
> *standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of **airliners,
> military jets and the space shuttle, **all traveling **at maximum
> velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of
> collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
> windshields.***
>
> British engineers heard about the gun and were eager*
> * to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains.
> **Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the
> British engineers. **When the gun was fired, the engineers stood
> shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the
> shatterproof ** shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through
> the control *console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and
> *embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow **shot
> from a bow.
>
> The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results
> *of the experiment, along with the designs of the
> *windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
>
> NASA responded with a one-line memo --*
> **
> **
> **
> **
> *"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 03, 2011, 08:58:16 PM
Ah, talking about Significant Others and Idiots  ::), if you do a resto pit bike for your Significant Other you might like to try this idea....

(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/OzVMX/img_0051.jpg) ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: ted on February 03, 2011, 09:05:40 PM

IDIOT SIGHTING:

STAY ALERT!   
They walk among us...

Welcome GEORGE
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: brent j on February 03, 2011, 09:55:52 PM
I asked for half a dozen chicken nuggets at a takeaway shop the other day,

The guy told me they only have six or twelve..............
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on February 04, 2011, 09:31:16 AM
Lucky you didn't ask for a "bakers dozen", probably would have said that they were fried, not baked :D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: GEORGE on February 04, 2011, 11:33:30 AM


      TEDDY YOU ARE THE IDIOT!!!  ;D PEOPLE WHO KNOW OF YOU

      HAVE CONFIRMED THIS AND YES YOU AREN'T THE FELLA THAT

       I SPOKE WITH AT CD7 WHO THEN OWNED YOUR 9K  :D KX HE

       WAS A DECENT FELLA UNLIKE YOURSELF  :'(

       YAMAHA YZ465 9K  :D  :D  :D

        KAWASAKI KX500 9K  :D  :D  :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Shaun G on February 04, 2011, 11:54:35 AM

HE WAS A DECENT FELLA UNLIKE YOURSELF  :'(


Hey #29 has a fan!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: ted on February 04, 2011, 03:23:35 PM
That # 29 guy gets all the fan ( male )

So are you coming to Buladelah or not Georgy....Don`t be shy.

Hell i`ll even let you ride my KX

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: brent j on February 04, 2011, 05:06:18 PM
Lucky you didn't ask for a "bakers dozen", probably would have said that they were fried, not baked :D :D

That would stuff them completely! :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on February 04, 2011, 11:50:13 PM
A retired man went into Centrelink in Frankston and saw an advertisement for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist’s examination. The annual salary is $85,000, and you'll have to go to Mount Isa, Queensland."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on February 05, 2011, 11:32:17 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2xnWYx8YK8&feature=player_embedded
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on February 06, 2011, 11:22:11 PM
 




An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones
wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning
on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

'F**k off' . she said, 'they're for the funeral.'




Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Mick D on February 06, 2011, 11:36:48 PM
That's a beauty Mick :D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 08, 2011, 03:54:09 PM
Do a China search on the forum and you come up with titles like...
Demise of manufacturing in Aus
Chiness Motocross Bikes
Looking for a job
Chinese Shocks
and Global Crisis .....but one things for sure, thay are sold on this from us !!!
They have just gone live in China  ;D
Geez I love Australia  ;D  8) No other bugger could come up with something like this!! Enjoy

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-MucVWo-Pw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdOeS_bJzE0&feature=related
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Mike52 on February 08, 2011, 04:31:45 PM
More Idiot stuff.

Question in the application for a disability support pension. This form is standard for EVERYONE.

Are you under 21 and are you applying for a disability support pension? [tick one box]

Yes
No

This is a real question and these people run this country. :o

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: TooFastTim on February 08, 2011, 07:59:52 PM
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time,

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.

It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something.

"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me get up? I'm starving."
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: DJVGXL on February 09, 2011, 09:12:54 PM
Whats the difference between your wife and a battery????????????????



The battery has a positive side
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on February 09, 2011, 09:20:24 PM
Today, just like every other morning, I walked into the kitchen to get my breakfast and I found my wfe passed out on the floor not breathing.
I immediately went into a panic and for a while I couldn't think of what to do next.
Then I remembered.
Macca's do breakfast until 10.30.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on February 09, 2011, 09:49:40 PM
With 75 pages I'm sure it's been said but...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About 30kg...
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Viper79 on February 09, 2011, 10:07:07 PM
What's the most fattening food on the planet??   Wedding cake....
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on February 09, 2011, 10:13:44 PM
My wife has started using a new contraceptive at 50 years of age.
Flanalette pyjamas.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: VMX247 on February 09, 2011, 10:35:58 PM
With 75 pages I'm sure it's been said but...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About 30kg...

yes ,but now its 45kg  ;D  ;D
cheers A
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: matcho mick on February 09, 2011, 10:38:28 PM




>> RAY THE POOFTA !!!
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 
>>
>>
>>
>> He goes  into the doctor's office and
>> has some tests run.
>>
>> 
>>
>> The  doctor comes back and says, '
>> Ray, I'm not going to beat around the  bush. You have AIDS.'
>>
>> 
>>
>> Ray is devastated. 'Doc,  what
>> can I do?
>>
>> 
>>
>> Eat 1  curry sausage, 1 head of
>> cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno
>> peppers,
>>
>>
>>
>> 40 walnuts and  40 peanuts,1/2 box
>> of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of  prune juice..'
>>
>> 
>>
>> Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure
>> me, Doc?'
>>
>> 
>>
>> Doc says, No, but it should leave you
>> with a  better understanding of what your arse is for.
>>
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 10, 2011, 08:43:42 AM
(http://i323.photobucket.com/albums/nn458/mx250syd/icons/jerry.gif) Ya got me  :D. I wasn't expecting that punch line Mick - I was thinking it was going to be another wife joke ;D.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 10, 2011, 08:45:41 AM
So very Politically Incorrect and bigoted - but bloody true - and funny. Good for a smirk on Thursday morning.................. ;D

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even"A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out..
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody
Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots (You gotta love them!!) have raised their threat level from
"Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."They don't have any other
levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the
British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide.." The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and
"The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of
the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: DJVGXL on February 10, 2011, 06:06:05 PM
whats the difference between your wife and a terrorist



at least you can negotiate with a terrorist
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: EML on February 10, 2011, 07:06:43 PM
In the new aids ward the nurses have been told to order and feed them only pizza.
When asked if it was best for them the reply was "no, but it's what fits under the door!" 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on February 11, 2011, 10:07:27 PM
 As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.  It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. 
 
Harold Schlumberg is such a person.
 
“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?   
Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and other alcoholic beverages into piss”   
 
Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.  :D ;D

Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac

Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: jackiemac on February 12, 2011, 04:39:58 PM


Bloke in a night club sees a big fat girl at the bar, he walks up to her and asks;
"Have you got a pen?"
 She looks up and smiled and says;
"Yes"
 
"Well" he says; "you'd better fork off back to it then before the farmer finds you're missing".
 
 
 Keep Smiling :)
Jackie Mac
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: 090 on February 12, 2011, 08:55:31 PM
Thought this was worth sharing. From another forum member :)

PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN
ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS
SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS
TO SEE HER TICKET.
 

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY
CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS
THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO
EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M
GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD
HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR,
AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES
BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND
ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS.



"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Hoony on February 13, 2011, 06:56:44 PM
this is an ad i saw in local paper yesterday ( fair dinkum   ??? )

house cleaning -   i come to you  ::)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Nathan S on February 13, 2011, 07:44:21 PM
Remembering the Harley threads from a ew months ago, I choose to believe that this guy was OK...






































(http://chivethethrottle.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/burning-racer-0.jpg?w=920&h=461)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Mike52 on February 13, 2011, 08:18:04 PM
That got the attention of all the other guys Nathan.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: mx250 on February 13, 2011, 08:21:35 PM
Gives a whole new meaning to a Shit Hot Harley - it normally means they are 50% shit and 50% hot.

That Harley is just plain HOT ;D
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: SLAWESY on February 13, 2011, 08:23:54 PM
DAZ n BAZ.... Queenslanders will appreciate this one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2brDNo23ic&feature=youtube_gdata_player (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2brDNo23ic&feature=youtube_gdata_player)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: YZ250H on February 13, 2011, 09:02:47 PM
That got the attention of all the other guys Nathan.

Number 53 still has his race face on  ;)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: tony27 on February 14, 2011, 06:12:08 PM
Brings new meaning to firing up on the start line :o
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: pirie593 on February 15, 2011, 06:57:59 PM
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on
the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in
Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side
on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.


"I haven't got an erection" said the man.


"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
 
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Mick D on February 15, 2011, 11:11:25 PM
(http://i677.photobucket.com/albums/vv132/mc125mick/cid_E7233922D0C1426A8033FF23D02F34D7pc.jpg?t=1297771436)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Curly3 on February 15, 2011, 11:18:07 PM
Sadly a young Arab kid from Lebkemba tried to set himself on fire the other day using 1/2 lite of petrol.
The local community have rallied together and are asking for donations to help his family.
So far we've managed to raise 205 litres.
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: Mick D on February 16, 2011, 12:02:31 AM
A Pom on holidays at Ularu sneaks over to take a leak with Morton behind the Coolabah tree.

Pom can’t help spying Morton’s Jewelery. “ Oh my lord! If only I had one like that” Pom exclaims.

Morton says “ Hey,,,,, no prob bro,, just hang a brick from it for a week bro”

Morton runs into Pom a week latter, and says “Hey,,,,, bro,,,, ,, how you go with that brick bro?????"

Pom replies, "Ooooh owe Ooh,,,,,,  I am half way there,,,,,   Its turned black".
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: DOK on February 16, 2011, 11:37:56 AM
An Indian guy walks into Franklins.
Excuse me miss I have found a name for your no name toilet paper.
it should be called John Wayne cos it dont take no sh!t from no indians
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: DOK on February 16, 2011, 11:42:17 AM
For people who like words!
 
 
 
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again
invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
 
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.
 

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
common words.
And the winners are:
 
1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing
only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has
been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam paper.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men

and Vulvoline when personal lubrication is required (you know what I mean)
Title: Re: Funnies/Jokes
Post by: yamaico on February 16, 2011, 01:50:22 PM
 A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
 Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
 When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to  God, Australia
 they decided to send it to Julia Gillard.
 Gillard was so amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
 She thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
 The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

 Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.. However, I noticed tha