Funnies/Jokes

[jackiemac]

Not sure if this has already been put up, but I got a good laugh out of it

Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac

 

A jackeroo named Bluey was droving his herd in a remote paddock in the Kimberley region of Western Australia when suddenly a brand-new BMW M6 advanced  towards him out of a cloud of dust.

 

The driver, a young bloke in a Zegna suit, shirt & tie, Gucci shoes and RayBan sunglasses leaned out the window and asked the jackeroo, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd will you  give me a calf?"

 

Bluey looks at the half back flanker, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure why not?"

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 satellite phone, connects to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area to produce an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the jackeroo and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves"

 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bluey.

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as he stuffs it into the boot of his car.

 

Then Bluey says to the young bloke, "Hey mate, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 

The half back flanker thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

 

"You're a senator in Kevin Rudd's Labour Government", says Bluey.

 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 

"No guessing required." answered Bluey. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

 

Now give me back my forking dog."

 

 

[VMX247]

Funny    ,but sad cause its true.  :'(
They changed the name of our road out here and now when they need to find it on there GPS ,they can't, because there is another road named the same 2 km away      which is actually a disused road      

[mx250]

It's cold, you're blue, so.........

[mx250]

Another one, for the same reason........

[shorelinemc]

On a bitterly cold morning in Canberra Kevvy is being chauffered to
Parliament House. It is so cold that Lake Burley Griffin is frozen
over.

As he jumps out of the limo Kev looks over the lake and notices that
someone had "pissed" on the ice and left the message........."KEVVY
SUCKS".

Kevvy is enraged and orders ASIO to investigate with "no expense
spared" and to report within two weeks.   DEA JA VOU

Two weeks later the head of ASIO reports to the PM and says ...."our
investigation is over and I have three pieces of news for you... good
news, bad news and terribly bad shocking news".

Well says Kevvy give me the good news. The head of ASIO says......we spent $5 million dollars on the
investigation and have come to a successful result.

Well says Kev what's the bad news ?

The head of ASIO says "the DNA testing shows that the urine is Wayne Swann's".

Kevvy is shocked beyond belief.

Looking pale, Kevvy says "and what is the terribly bad shocking news?"

The ASIO chief replies..."the hand writing is Julia Gillards".

[shorelinemc]

deaja vou for the above

[bigk]

I suppose this is funny, sadly though, it's true. The other day a client came into the shop with his young son, who commented that I had Chad Reeds number 22 on my bike. My reply was, yes that's because I'm Chad's brother. The young fella looked at me and said, no way can you be Chads brother. When I asked why, he came back with, Chad's not bald! Not bad for a 7 year old.
Cheers,
K

[Pommie Barstad]

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.20am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster

Hi
I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not to busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.

Thanks Shan.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.

Regards, David.
 
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.
 

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster Dear Shannon, I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat. Attached poster as requested. Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,
It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.

Regards, David.
 
 
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.
 
 

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster Dear Shannon, Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun. I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions. Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.
 
 

From: David Thorne Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am To: Shannon Walkley Subject: Awww Dear Shannon, I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go. I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions. Regards, David.

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
 
I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
 
Regards, David.
 
 
From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.
 
 
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine. That will have to do.

Iceland go bankrupt, then manage to set their island on fire. Insurance scam written all over it.

[bigk]

That is funny, love it.
K

[pirie593]

What’s the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....   

Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely s**te. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything.

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**te team we should easily have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning, "its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

FIFA have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?"

To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this frigging mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."

[tony27]

Have you heard that there are now two man made things that can be seen from space?
The Great Wall of China and the hole in the England defence.

 

Illusionist David Blaine is heartbroken that the record he got for doing nothing in a box for 42 days has just been beaten by Wayne Rooney.
 

I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the laughing stock.

 

What’s the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

 

What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.

 

What does the Englishman do when England wins the World Cup? He switches off the Play Station.

 

What’s the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.

 

What’s the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.

 

I’ve just won two tickets to see the England team. Do you want to come with me? We’ll catch the bus to Gatwick Airport on Thursday and watch them come home.

 

[VMX247]

what did one kiwi say to the other with one leg shorter than the other ?
not even bro

[Pommie Barstad]

Yeah, thanks for the football jokes: there were a couple there I'd not heard before. So what were you expecting after the first two matches against the footballing titans of the USA and Algeria? A win over a good team?

So, remind me, how did Australia do playing proper football instead of that pansy footie stuff? Did they cover themselves in glory against Germany?

Seriously, though, what about the Netherlands? Nine goals scored and only four scored against them. And isn't it illegal to knock Brazil out of the World Cup before the semi-finals?

We didn't go to the pub when the England-Germany match was on - I suspected what was coming and find it unsettling to watch men cry; we copped a bit of culture at an independent art gallery, then to the Victoria and Albert Museum and finally Tate Britain. (PM me if you want some help with the concepts 'culture' or 'art gallery').

Got to the pub later though, for pints & pizza and saw England sneak up from behind to take the One Day International Series three nil. (This was cricket, by-the-way, another sport we invented). Can't remember who we beat, but it'll come to me in a bit.

This isn't really a joke, is it? Sorry. I'll try harder.

[Turtle.Inc]

Little Timmy was sitting in class with the teacher going  around the classroom asking what your fathers do for a living. Little Sally says my dads a fireman, little Josh says my dads a copper, little Mikey says my dads a milkman.

When it gets to little Timmys turn he says " My dads takes all his clothes off for men, men pay him to strip down naked and dance around the room with nothing on at all, he then does something he calls sexual acts with men for money.

Little Timmys teacher is gobsmacked, she asks all the other kids to leave the room, leaving only her and little Timmy in the room together. "Does your father really do all those things you said earlier, about sleeping with men for money and taking there clothes off"

Little Timmy says " No, he actually plays Football for the NSW state of origin team but I was too embarrassed to say"

Homo nuts

[Turtle.Inc]

Bills down the pub having a couple of beers bragging to Brad about how hes sleeping with both the new Swedish twins who had just moved into town without them knowing

Brad said that is so cool but isnt hard to tell them apart.

Not at all says Bill, Inga has the type of body you could only deam about, 36=24=36 figure, blond hair, the whole package, Trevor has a big cock