Funnies/Jokes

[pancho]

That one I like Mick can I use it? cheers.pancho

[090]

I went to the doctors the other day.
I found out my new doctor is a young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was a bit embarrassed but she said " don't worry, I'm a professional and I've seen it all before."
"Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."
 I said " I think my penis tastes funny"

[Pommie Barstad]

[VMX247]

First woman (proudly): "My husband's an angel!"
Second woman: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."   

[pancho]

An old friend told me about a fellow he knew that had the word "Wog" tattooed in big letters on his donga, which he claimed on regular occasions changed to "Wollongong"! Cheers

[TM BILL]

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?


   
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

[TM BILL]

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.   
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.

 
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.   

[TM BILL]

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.   
He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground..   
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect.   
Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'   

[TM BILL]

Tampax are changing their design they are replacing the string with a piece of tinsel ....   
This is for the Christmas period only!

[TM BILL]

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one  punch.

[TM BILL]

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."

[TM BILL]

Statistically.... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
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[TM BILL]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids - 'What was Churchill famous for?'   
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'   

[Pommie Barstad]

A joke from the entrenched UK NHS. You may just need to look up 'Proctology'

The improved National Health Service

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

The Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't  have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ********* in London.

[Pommie Barstad]

Got your iPad? Love your Kindle? Well tough, new technology's on the way that will make them all redundant:-

Introducing the new Bio-Optical Organised Knowledge device, trade-named - B-O.O.K.

B-O.O.K. is a revolutionary break-through in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.  It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere - even sitting in an armchair by the fire - yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a  CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works:

B-O.O.K. is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable) called P-a.G.E.s (Pre-arranged Guided Evaluation), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.  The P-a.G.E.s are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (O.P.T.) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.  Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, B-O.O.K.s with more information simply use more P-a.G.E.s.  Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain.  A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

B-O.O.K. may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

B-O.O.K. never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface.  The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "Bookmark" accessory allows you to open B-O.O.K. to the exact place you left it in a previous session - even if the B-O.O.K. has been closed.  Bookmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single Bookmark can be used in B-O.O.K.s by various manufacturers.  Conversely, numerous B-O.O.K. markers can be used in a single B-O.O.K. if the user wants to store numerous views at once.  The number is limited only by the number of pages in the B-O.O.K..  You can also make personal notes next to B-O.O.K. text entries with optional tools, such as Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (P.E.N.C.I.L.S.).

Portable, durable and affordable, B-O.O.K. is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave.  B-O.O.K.'s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest.  Look for a flood of new titles soon.