Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662230 times)

0 Members and 3 Guests are viewing this topic.

mx250

  • Guest
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #840 on: July 17, 2010, 11:25:04 pm »
I think we'll have to rename you Old Pommy Bastard  ;D

Offline retrowrex

  • Novice
  • *
  • Posts: 45
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #841 on: July 18, 2010, 06:17:25 am »
Cecil had been sent home to pass in the comfort of his home, there being nothing more that could be done to cure his ailment.  Being in severe pain, he was hooked up to a morphine drip with a constant dose trickling through.  While drifting in and out of consciousness, his senses became aware of something.  It immediately made him feel a little happier, a little stronger. Good memories flowed.  Pondering the source of his content, he realised that it was a smell. The smell of his favourite cookies being baked.

He then realised that his wife must be baking him a treat.  He cast his mind back over his 60 years of marriage to his wife Martha. There were some good times, and many of those other times.  He then realised that this must be Martha’s last attempt to put things right and say sorry in his darkest time, and send him on his last journey in peace.

Filled with a little more strength Cecil tears the drip from his arm.  Almost immediately the pain increases no longer being kept in check by the morphine. As he attempts to sit up, he painfully falls to the cold, hard floor of his room. He then drags himself across the floor to the top of the stairs and carefully starts t make his way down.  After just the first step, he slips and tumbles all the way to the bottom.  Thankfully, he passes out.

A short time later, he is again awoken by the scent of the baking.   He painfully makes his way into the kitchen he sees his Martha busy baking and a rack on the bench piled up with his favourite choc chip cookies.

He drags himself across to the bench and lacking the strength to speak to Martha he uses the very last of his strength to stand and reaches out to take a cookie.

Martha turns around to see him reaching out and swats him on the hand with her spatula, saying “Pi55 off, they’re for the wake.”
Apparently you can only ride one bike at a time, and hence you should only have one bike.  :(

monaro308

  • Guest
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #842 on: July 18, 2010, 06:49:50 pm »

Offline Davey Crocket

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 4408
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #843 on: July 18, 2010, 07:18:51 pm »
Are you having a go at all us married men? ;D
QVMX.....Australia's #1 VMX club......leading the way.

monaro308

  • Guest
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #844 on: July 18, 2010, 09:07:20 pm »
 ;D

Offline jimson

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 1308
  • Sanctuary point N.S.W
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #845 on: July 18, 2010, 09:38:01 pm »
That sounds like my wife  :-[ jimson  ;D
Just a balless freak having a go

mx250

  • Guest
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #846 on: July 18, 2010, 09:51:44 pm »
That sounds like my wife  :-[ jimson  ;D
It sounds like all our wives  ;D,

They have a secret school somewhere where 'they' teach these tricks; 'Ten new ways of how to make your man to feel guilty without even trying' etc.

Then they have The Sisterhood, a secret society of support, aiding and abetting.

So give up now, go quietly; retreat to your garage and do something that creates dust and noise - two naturally occurring phenomenons that wives find repulsive. If your defense of your sanctum is failing get a buff wheel. The noise is not so great but the greasy lint dust lingering in the air is 100% successful in repulsing and reviling.

Offline lukeb1961

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 1019
  • PE175N, RM80B, JR50C
    • View Profile
    • PE175N
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #847 on: July 18, 2010, 10:06:15 pm »
They have a secret school somewhere where 'they' teach these tricks; 'Ten new ways of how to make your man to feel guilty without even trying' etc.
some of the secrets of Women School are revealed in Love, Sex & Tractors by Roger Welch. Strongly recommended.
« Last Edit: July 18, 2010, 10:07:59 pm by lukeb1961 »

monaro308

  • Guest
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #848 on: July 18, 2010, 10:21:16 pm »

Offline Nathan S

  • Superstar
  • ******
  • Posts: 7275
  • HEAVEN #818
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #849 on: July 18, 2010, 10:32:14 pm »
What has 9 arms and sucks?









Def Leppard
The good thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said.

Pommie Barstad

  • Guest
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #850 on: July 19, 2010, 09:00:11 pm »
Quote
I think we'll have to rename you Old Pommy Bastard

Possibly, possibly.

In my mind, I'm 27, but my body thinks I'm 47. What the calendar says, however, is utterly ridiculous.

Now, aren't you like that mx250?

Aren't we all like that?

mx250

  • Guest
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #851 on: July 22, 2010, 09:29:56 am »


WHY MEN ARE RARELY DEPRESSED:
 

 Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !
 
 Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

 Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
 
 You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

 You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 No wonder men are happier.

It's probably been 'done' before but I just had to use the little self portraits ;D.

Pommie Barstad

  • Guest
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #852 on: July 23, 2010, 08:03:26 am »
Two for the Little Ladies, Cooks & Sheilas out there . . .




Offline Nathan S

  • Superstar
  • ******
  • Posts: 7275
  • HEAVEN #818
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #853 on: July 23, 2010, 08:58:31 pm »
I did think about changing these to "Bultaco owners" or "Abbott supporters", but...

How do you know when you're staying
in a Redneck hotel ?
When you call the front desk and say,
I gotta leak in my sink, and the
clerk replies, "Go ahead."


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ?
It seems they want to keep alcohol
out of the high schools.


Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a
Redneck murder . ..
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There's no dental records


Who invented the toothbrush ?
A Redneck.
(If it had been invented by anyone else,
it would have been called a teethbrush.)


A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . .
and the driver replies "Bout wut ?"


Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? . .
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.


A new Redneck law was just recently passed .
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.


Did you hear that the Redneck governor's
mansion burned down ?
"Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them."
The good thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said.

monaro308

  • Guest
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #854 on: July 24, 2010, 10:06:13 pm »
My whole family is into riding motorbikes ;D