Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662794 times)

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mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #270 on: February 24, 2009, 01:41:21 pm »
The following is a true story, only the facts have been changed:
;) ;D

Rosco400

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #271 on: February 26, 2009, 04:18:01 pm »
A bloke comes home after a big day at work with a duck under his arm and walks into the Kitchen

He says " this is the pig Ive been rootin"

His missus turns to him and says "thats not  pig, thats a duck"

He says" I was talking to the duck" ::)


Offline pokey

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #272 on: February 26, 2009, 07:32:41 pm »

Offline shorelinemc

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #273 on: February 26, 2009, 08:27:10 pm »
Aplane crashes on a deserted island,with only two survivors.A man and a woman who was Elle Macphearson.
Bugger they said ,but we should be rescued in acouple of days  a week at the most. a week goes by then a month then two months.Elle and the bloke looked at each other and said well looks like we could be here for longer than we think,we are both healthy humans with normal urges and well they where at it like rabbits straight awy on the beach.The bloke says to Elle that was great ,fantastic but could you do me a favour Elle raises toup on her elbow and said well as long as it is not disgusting or wierd.No not at all but when you get dressed in the morning could you put on my spare clothes and act like  abloke and  you dont know me tomorrow .Elle thought about it ,said yes not a problem.
 the next morning Elle is walking down the beach when the bloke walked up next to her and said guess who i f**ked last night.

Offline Wombat

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #274 on: February 27, 2009, 01:16:23 pm »
After 21 pages of jokes I'm losing track of what's been posted; I don't think this has appeared:

SOMETHING HERE TO UPSET EVERYONE
 
Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.
Husband says ' Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying, your still my sister'!


Wife say's to husband, 'Doctor says I have the tits and a*s of an 18 year old'
Husband says 'What about your 40 year old c*nt?'
Wife says ' We didn’t mention you'!

My ex wife asked what reincarnation is. 
I explained, when you die you come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'Your not f*cking listening'!


Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. 
I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f*ck's off.


Today an Abo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.
Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen...

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to
panic as they have managed to push it inside the Mosque.


A female Al-Queda terrorist was found dead today in her bathroom.
Police believe she got her anthrax mixed up with her tampax and blew up the wrong c*nt.

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of.
The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.
The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says
'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.


Young woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me an epidural.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f*cker'.
He replied casually,  'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ar*e but you said,
'F*ck off it'll be too painful',
Now who's laughing'?
"Whadaya mean it's too loud?! It's a f*ckin' race bike!! That pipe makes it go louder - and look faster!!"

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #275 on: February 27, 2009, 01:36:41 pm »
You've reached new heights of political incorrectness Womby.

..............but funny ;D.

Offline shorelinemc

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #276 on: February 27, 2009, 03:28:20 pm »
Now if we want to get real bad ..........why dosnt a women guts fall out of her c**t? because of the vacum in her head

Offline cyclegod

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #277 on: February 27, 2009, 03:35:22 pm »
Q: Why did the condom fly across the room?

A: It was pissed off


Q: What's worse than silicon tits?

A: A cardboard box
Ban BLACK rims NOW

Offline shorelinemc

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #278 on: February 27, 2009, 03:42:21 pm »
Why do gays prefer ribbed condoms? For better traction in the mud

Sue

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #279 on: February 28, 2009, 10:22:41 pm »
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................
"Try doing it with the engine running."

Hornet

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #280 on: February 28, 2009, 11:07:49 pm »
Good one Sue , I like it

Sue

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #281 on: March 02, 2009, 11:53:56 am »
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a motorcycle in there!"

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #282 on: March 02, 2009, 12:21:15 pm »
;D.

That wouldn't be me; I'm not that old ;).

mx250

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #283 on: March 02, 2009, 12:25:01 pm »
The World's Shortest Fairy Tale


     Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl,

     'Will you marry me?"  The girl said, 'NO!'
     And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
     and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
     drank beer and scotch and left the toilet seat up and
     farted whenever he wanted.

                                      THE END

Sue

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #284 on: March 02, 2009, 01:02:19 pm »
• A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his motorcycle. After trying his keys on five other bikes, he finally found his own bike. He sat on his motorcycle in a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, and again on and off. He started his engine and pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.  The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. "I doubt it," said the man, "You see, tonight I am the designated decoy... I haven't had a drink all day!"
 


Cheers Sue  ;D