Funnies/Jokes

[mx250]

Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money...


The first does a  total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new  makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.  She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because  she loves him so much.


The man was  impressed.

The  second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf  clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As  she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money  on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is  impressed.

The  third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the  $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a  joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future  because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man  was impressed.

The  man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money  he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest  tits.

Men are  like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast  implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by  2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge  erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with  them.

[Wombat]

HAVING MUM OVER FOR DINNER:
           
            Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
            Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's 'roommate',
            Jennifer was. Brian's Mum had long been suspicious of a relationship
            between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

            Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
            started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met
            the eye.

            Reading his mum's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
            thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

            About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother
            came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle.
            You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

            Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

            So he sat down and wrote:         
 ________________________________________
   
            Dear Mum ,

            I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
            I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
            But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

            Love, Brian             ___________________________________

            Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
            ___________________________________

            Dear Son,

            I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer,
            I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
            But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed,
            she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

            Love, Mum             ___________________________________

            LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!

[VMX247]

'My Mum drinks beer  and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks  beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the  street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
we don't even have a dog--Jack, 7 years

[DJRacing]

Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non -living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

 
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
 
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
 
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
 
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
 
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
 
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
 
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
 
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
 
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
 
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[vmx42]

Hey DJ,
Did you run those by Karen before posting???
With that kind of insight you could have your own Talk Show - Ask Dr DJ??
I can almost hear the audience cheering from here…
VMX42

[DJRacing]

Hell ya Jeff, otherwise I would have to learn to cook again    

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $2000 Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time. !
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks/planes/motorbikes/sport. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[VMX247]

ta gd

[VMX247]

WICO
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
Is proud to announce the opening of its
EVENING CLASSES   FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants only.

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH;
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT;
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
 

 

 

[GD66]

Whew !...and in the Blue Corner....

[VMX247]

Whew !...and in the Blue Corner....

I believe this is the only topic where opposites can dual safety in gest         
alison

[GD66]

Reckon ? Someone will throw a big tanty and mince off into the sunset, I reckon....

[Sue]

mx250 after i had read your joke i found this very amusing.

Sue

[matcho mick]

 a woman arrives home,finds husband stalking around the kitchen with a flyswatter
what are you doing?
,hunting flies he replies
oh,killing any, she asks
yep he replied,3 males,& 2 females!
intrigued,she asked,how can you tell them apart?
easy he responded,3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone

[VMX247]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a  Xmas fancy dress party.  He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
 The man is offended that the outfit  emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.  A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.  So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.  A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as  a toffee apple.___

[Wombat]

Two gay  men decide to have a baby.
They mixed their sperm together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
 
When the baby was born, they rushed to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the  ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other.
'All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves the superiority of gay love!'

The nurse  says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now, but  just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!'