Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662537 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline FourstrokeForever

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 1702
  • AKA Mark H #35 VCM
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2115 on: March 13, 2014, 08:33:23 pm »
CLASSIC...... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Arrogance.....A way of life for the those that having nothing further to learn.

Offline mick25

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 1162
  • Hunter valley NSW
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2116 on: March 13, 2014, 08:44:14 pm »
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from
> getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
"If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

;D

maxvmx

  • Guest
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2117 on: March 14, 2014, 08:53:44 pm »
To make things fair, why can’t subscribers to internet broadband and new mobile phone connections in India be diverted to a help desk in Scotland?

Offline TooFastTim

  • A-Grade
  • ****
  • Posts: 325
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2118 on: March 20, 2014, 05:41:55 am »
A Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop. The Aussie whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn’t notice. The Aussie says to the Kiwi: "You’ll never beat that!" The Kiwi says to the Aussie: "Watch and learn!" He says to the baker: "Give me a biscuit, I'll show you a magic trick!" The baker gives him the biscuit which the Kiwi promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another biscuit for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again: "Give me one more biscuit." The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Kiwi eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and yells: "Where's your famous magic trick?" The Kiwi says: "Look in the Australian’s pocket!

Offline FourstrokeForever

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 1702
  • AKA Mark H #35 VCM
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2119 on: March 20, 2014, 10:36:20 am »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D 8)
Arrogance.....A way of life for the those that having nothing further to learn.

Offline asasin

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 547
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2120 on: March 24, 2014, 05:47:28 am »
AN AMISH WOMAN AND HER DAUGHTER WERE RIDING IN AN OLD BUGGY ONE COLD
>> BLUSTERY DAY.
>>
>> The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'
>>
>> The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat
>> will warm them up.'
>>
>> The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
>>
>> The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
>> 'My hands are freezing cold.'
>>
>> THE GIRL REPLIED, 'PUT THEM BETWEEN MY LEGS. THE WARMTH OF MY BODY
>> WILL WARM THEM UP.'
>>
>> He did and warmed his hands.
>>
>> The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
>> daughter. He said,
>>
>> 'MY NOSE IS COLD.'
>>
>> The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body
>> will warm it up'.
>>
>> He did and warmed his nose.
>>
>> The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and
>> he said,
>>
>> 'My penis is frozen solid.'
>>
>> The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her
>> mother again,
>>
>> and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
>>
>> Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'
>>
>> The daughter replies: 'They make one hell of a mess when they
>> defrost, don't they?!
>>

 
If in doubt ,WIND IT OUT

Offline asasin

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 547
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2121 on: March 26, 2014, 05:50:04 am »
 

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:

"Windows frozen."


Husband texts back:

"Pour some luke warm water over it."


Wife texts back:

"Computer completely buggered now."

If in doubt ,WIND IT OUT

maxvmx

  • Guest
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2122 on: March 26, 2014, 08:00:43 pm »
Clive Palmer

Offline FourstrokeForever

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 1702
  • AKA Mark H #35 VCM
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2123 on: March 27, 2014, 09:13:29 am »
Was at a music festival a while back,
A copper and his dog come up to me,
The cop says "this dog tells me you're on drugs"
I say, "I'm on drugs?" You're the one who reckons his dog talks"......
Arrogance.....A way of life for the those that having nothing further to learn.

Offline William Doe

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 570
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2124 on: March 28, 2014, 07:20:18 pm »
" NEWS FLASH" " NEWS FLASH" They found the wings They found the wings but Mr & Mrs wing have no idea where the funkn plane is.
Its only old bike racing FFS get over yourselves





The Artist formerly known as TM Bill

Offline asasin

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 547
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2125 on: March 29, 2014, 06:18:37 am »
Clever..........

Subject: You can bank on it

A few years ago in a small town robbers entered a bank and one of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.”
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.

This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their world view.


One woman lay on the floor in a provocative manner. The robber approached her saying, " Ma'am, this is a robbery not a rape.
Please behave accordingly."

This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.


While running from the bank the young robber (who had a college degree) said to the older robber (who barely finished elementary school):
"Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole."
The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait for the news to be told how much money was taken from the bank."

This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.


After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant: "Let's call the cops."
The accountant said: "Wait, before we do that let's add the $800,000 to the robbery of that we took to ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen."

This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.


The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed in of $3 million. The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two million dollars without blinking?
Maybe it’s better to learn how to work the system, instead of being a simple robber."

This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.


Moral: Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank.

Give a person a bank, and he can rob everyone.

 
If in doubt ,WIND IT OUT

Offline asasin

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 547
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2126 on: March 29, 2014, 06:18:58 am »
All Oscar Pretorius wanted was a new toilet door but his girl friend was dead against it.

If in doubt ,WIND IT OUT

Offline EML

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 3110
  • Ride the World before it Rides You
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2127 on: March 29, 2014, 09:40:26 am »
very good Asasin....on both counts :D :D :D :D

Offline asasin

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 547
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2128 on: March 30, 2014, 05:59:05 pm »
A good looking man walked into an agent's office
in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway,
he had the right credentials. The agent asked,
"What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesb ian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order
to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to
change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name
is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my
name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for
years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood  with a
name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change
your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it!  I guess we will not do business together,"
the guy said and he left the agent's office.
>>
FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...
>>
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood  with a name
like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about
what you said I decided you were right. I had to change myname. I had too much  pride to return to your office, so I
signed with another agent. I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a
token of my appreciation.
>>
Thank you for your advice.
>>
Sincerely,
>>
Dick van Dyke

If in doubt ,WIND IT OUT

Offline asasin

  • Legend
  • *****
  • Posts: 547
    • View Profile
Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #2129 on: March 30, 2014, 06:01:57 pm »
Never Lie to a Woman


A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey, I have
been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several
of his Friends
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for
me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you
please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and
fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by
the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good
wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but
otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many
fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few
Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas
like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ...."

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!
If in doubt ,WIND IT OUT