Funnies/Jokes

[oldyzman]

Why do shopping trolleys have handles?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs, of cause!

[asasin]

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, none of whom were smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[matcho mick]

GREAT WISDOM FROM AVIATION TRAINING  MANUALS…
 

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'

-Infantry Journal-

 

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'

- US.Air Force Manual –

 

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'

- General Douglas MacArthur –

 

'Tracers work both ways.'

- Army Ordnance Manual-

 

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'

- Infantry Journal –

 

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'

- Naval Ops Manual –

 

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'

- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

 

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'

- Infantry Journal-

 

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil, for I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'

- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

 

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'

- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

 

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

-Unknown Author-

 

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter --

and therefore, unsafe.'

- Fixed Wing Pilot-

 

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'

-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

 

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'

-Unknown Author-

 

'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!” the last two will be echoes.'

If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'

-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

 

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up... the pilot dies.

-Sign over Control Tower Door-

 

 

'Never trade luck for skill.'

-Author Unknown-

 

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:

'Did you feel that?  What's that noise? and 'Oh S...!'

-Authors Unknown-

 

'Airspeed, Altitude and Brains.

Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'

-Basic Flight Training Manual-

 

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person

on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'

- Emergency Checklist-

 

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) –

 

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'

-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

 

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'

- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual –

 

JOKE:           

 

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'

The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
 
 

 

[80-85 husky]

A woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the  problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep  finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
 The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said

 "Those aren't  postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

[asasin]

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds.
She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running
around having fun, kicking a football.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she asks.
'Yes,' he replies.
'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she says.
'It's best I stay here,' he says.
'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde..
The boy looks at her incredulously and says: "Because I'm the f-----ing goal keeper !!!

 

 

[asasin]

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you
ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" 

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,
silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled
approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled
up?" 

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a
crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little
quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and
excited, ......

 

 

"Check the garage."

[80-85 husky]

A young blonde girl, in her late teens and wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

....."Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi."

[kdx Geoff]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Melbourne to Sydney. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
 
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.

He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
 
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

[bazza]

 Saw a sign that made me piss my pants today
"toilet closed"

[yamaico]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new
 BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a
 Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window
 and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in
 your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing
 flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his lap top and connected it to a cell
 phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database
 and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.

He sent an e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.
 Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer
 then turns to the Shepherd and says, You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his
 car.

Then the Shepherd says: " If I can tell you exactly what your business
 is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd.

"That’s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
 that?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up
 here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already
 knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know shit about my business.
 Now give me back my forking dog."

[FAT-TOY]

Clever Jury...

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of:

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defence's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied:

"Yes, we did look, But your client didn't."

[FAT-TOY]

My Road Rage Is Gone
>>
>> I no longer have problems with road rage.
>>
>> You may not have known I had issues with road rage.
>>
>>
>> However, since I picked up my new bike,
>>
>> people no longer seem to annoy me any more.
>>
>> Maybe I have mellowed.

[TooFastTim]

https://commonstruggle.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/sinisterlink.pdf

[Toolboy]

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his  wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[mainline]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?