Funnies/Jokes

[Lozza]

No matter how good you are or how famous one is still required to push

[pancho]

Love it! TV  ;
D

[firko]

                                                                                                     

[Slakewell]

                                                                                                     

Tasteless and funny Firko like most good jokes

[80-85 husky]

                                                                                                     

Gold Gold Gold....

[FourstrokeForever]

                                                                                                     

Gold Gold Gold....

SCHWEEEET, Rhonda is back on the prowl....hope she comes to central Vic 

[firko]

                                                                                                 

[80-85 husky]

I see Shapelle has released a new perfume

its called...

Con- Viction ...for the woman who has lost her appeal 

[80-85 husky]

and another (apologies if this is already up....)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
 

[GMC]

[FourstrokeForever]

Hahahahaha 

[matcho mick]

                       

A man is  alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit  down at the table next to  him.

   
He  decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an  off-duty flight attendant.


So he  decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the  airline she flies for, thereby impressing her  greatly.
   

He leans  across to her and says the British Airways motto :
   

'To Fly.  To Serve'?
   

The woman  looks at him blankly
   

He sits  back and thinks up another line.
   

He leans  forward again and delivers the Air France motto
   

'Winning  the hearts of the world'?
   

Again she  just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her  face.
   

Undeterred, he tries again, this  time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
   

'Going  beyond expectations'?
   

The woman  looks at him sternly and says
   

'What the  fork do you want?'
   

'Aha!' he says, "Qantas

 

[asasin]

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.

He sits in the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.
 
After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks.

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts

spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.

The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

 

[asasin]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.' Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let’s save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy takes his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

 

[asasin]

Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if
she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't
have a bath, although if  she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in
front of the fire.



"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband
had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and

watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass
didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he
came home.



He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts,
leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in
the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday,
while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do
you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her
nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in
the hair department.



The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the
husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said,
"but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you
worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I
know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"