Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 662877 times)

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Offline Nobby25

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1890 on: February 22, 2013, 08:47:31 pm »
Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the first bloke to wake up legless on Valentines Day, after shooting a load into his girlfriends face whilst imagining she was someone else?



He wants to get bail so he can go to CD When is it?  ;D
« Last Edit: February 22, 2013, 08:56:10 pm by Nobby25 »
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Offline gt96

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1891 on: February 23, 2013, 10:06:16 am »
Chili

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do"?

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead".

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too".

Offline Viper666

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1892 on: February 24, 2013, 09:31:32 pm »

Cowboy ties his horse up at the front of the bar, walks around the back, lifts the horse's tail, wipes his fingers down its bum then wipes the finger across his lips.
A bloke walks up to him & says "What did ya do that for?"
Cowboys says "Chapped lips"
The other bloke says with a curious tone "Does that fix em?"
Cowboys says "Nah, but it stops me licking the bastards"

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1893 on: February 25, 2013, 08:07:56 am »
  She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her.......... It was the
silence of the
  limbs.
 
  Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
 
  When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes,
  who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
 
  Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.
  White man arrested for murder.
 
  Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
 
  Surely Oscar Pistorious cant be the first man to wake up legless on
  Valentine's Day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone
  else!
 
  I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.
 
  What do you call a room full of dead people?
  An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.
 
  Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name..
  Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
 
 
  A young woman is dead, the life of up-and-coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious,
  is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's
  prosthetic... I mean pathetic.
 
  I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over
  tonight.
 
  And the Oscar goes to...
  Prison.
 
 


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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1894 on: February 25, 2013, 08:14:30 am »
"Pardon the interruption, kind sir, and I’m most awfully sorry to bother you, but would you mind terribly if I asked you - in the gentlest and friendliest terms, mind you - whether you might consent to considering yourself under arrest?”


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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1895 on: February 25, 2013, 08:17:34 am »

Offline gt96

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1896 on: February 26, 2013, 12:00:27 pm »

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.  He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.  It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple really, says the seller, 'Whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.  It protects it from the rain.' (true story)
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.  Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.  In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.  And in they go.
Joe is shocked.  Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.  Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.  Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.  So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and does it, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom and does the same thing right there on the dinner table.
After that, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted. 'I'll do the dishes!!'


Offline Canam370

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1897 on: February 26, 2013, 12:10:39 pm »


I want one! Trouble is that the ones it applies to probably can't read it anyway >:(
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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1898 on: February 26, 2013, 12:40:37 pm »
Im with you  :) i went to a great deal of personal trouble and expense to procure these signs , but then i realised that the average genius we deal with cannot read or write  ::)

I have considered the repeating DVD option , but the Bastards will probably thieve the screen  ::)











« Last Edit: February 26, 2013, 12:43:40 pm by TM bill »

Offline Canam370

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1899 on: February 26, 2013, 04:00:58 pm »


Doesn't seem to help.
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Offline Lozza

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1900 on: February 26, 2013, 08:02:11 pm »
Whilst Oscar missed out on a Valentines Day blow job, he can look forward to anal sex every night for the next 20 years

he had fairly good aim for a bloke that prefers to use blades

Roses are red
 Violets are glorious
 Never surprise
 Oscar Pistorius

I don't understand why he didn't just leg it after shooting her.

if he represents himself in court, does that make him a paralegal?


He'd have to anyway - no way he could foot the bill.

the gun's safety catch was disabled

Magistrate grants Pistorius bail, no decision on where to put ankle monitor.

Oscar Pistorius wanted to change the colour of his bathroom door , but his girlfriend was dead against it .

Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins have signed on for a new movie about Oscar Pistorious breaking out of prison.
 
It'll be called The Sawn-shank Redemption.

Oscar Pistorius has complained about insensitivity to Reevas death by 'gutless' internet warriors making jokes.
 
He's obviously lost his funny bone now too..

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Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1901 on: February 28, 2013, 05:58:17 pm »


  Now .... about those 72 virgins.....
   
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah..
 


He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since
I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I
Never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know
What to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"
 


Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72
Virgins are here in heaven because arseholes like you murdered them
Before they could experience the pleasure of sex.. So 'you're' here to
Service 'them'. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually
Ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
 


The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard
Can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

And Allah replied................."Who mentioned women?"
 
 
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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1902 on: March 02, 2013, 06:42:22 am »

Offline motomaniac

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1903 on: March 02, 2013, 01:46:49 pm »
THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."


The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.


"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his Face. "Have sex with me."


The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.


"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"


"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!



Offline VMX247

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1904 on: March 17, 2013, 12:12:29 am »
In a Tottenham church on Sunday morning a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

... The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know Sir-- It ain't 'til next Thursday."
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