Funnies/Jokes

[gt96]

4 old guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom.

The three others talked about their kids.

The first guy said, my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas.

The second guy said, Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift!.

The third man said well that's terrific! My son studied in the best university and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!

The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what all the congratulations are for. One of the three guys said, were talking about the pride we feel for the success of our sons 

What about your son?   They asked the 4th guy.

The fourth man replied,: my son is gay and makes his living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.

The three friends said that's a shame what a disappointment.

The fourth man replied, Nah, I'm not ashamed he is my son and I love him and he hasn’t done to badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.

[TM BILL]

Gt thats gold 

[TM BILL]

  Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Jan. 28th, 2013

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM ..

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Bunnings Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ...
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT !
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

 

Class 11

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

.................................................................................................

 
 

    From Guys in the Witness Protection Program

 

[TM BILL]

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror ... remembering her intimate times with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help: "Lord, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off.

[TM BILL]

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

 

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

 

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

 

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

 

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

 

 

 

You're going to love this......

 

 

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

 

 

 

"Defrost the chicken."

[gt96]

Tim decided to marry his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes.

His new wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

“Tim Darling now that we are married I think it's time you gave up golf. Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs."  Tim looked horrified.

She said, “Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.” Tim replied.

“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before!"

“I haven't!” He replied.

[TM BILL]

A blonde goes to Frank's pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.  As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.   The sign says:

'SEX FROGS'



Only $20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.


The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to Frank behind the counter,  'I'll TAKE one!'

As Frank packages the frog, he quietly says to her,  'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.  She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens!   The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper that says,  'If you have any problems or questions,  please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store.  Frank says, 'I'll be right over.'   Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. 

The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.  The damn frog just SITS there!'

Frank. . .  looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:


LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE MORE TIME!!!
 
 
 

[Bitten]

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top, I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
     
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi' and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it
on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
     
'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well I have,' I corrected her. 'You see when I was 17 I was picked to play for the school 1st XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it
up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now' she purred. 'OK' I replied. Again she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping
past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point,
but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”
     
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, she pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton and she was wet !

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c#nt?'

'I certainly have' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

[TM BILL]

Registration on the first day back at school in Birmingham UK

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-


"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here."
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here."

"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."


"Ali Son al Len" - Silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al Len" - Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeated the call.

A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced
Alison Allen.

[TM BILL]

This outfits a joke

http://vintagextrememotorcycles.com.au/make/yamaha-motorcycles

Piss poor joke  Read the full story here

Reply 42 on page 3 sums it up

http://ozvmx.com/community/index.php?topic=26190.0

[gt96]

Vacation


Every year Susan goes on holiday with her flat mate.

[pancho]

  His wife says-
 GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU ONLY WANT SEX WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK ! ! !

 He says,
 



   Thats bullsh*7           Sometimes I want Pizza.

[TM BILL]

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
>
> Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
> ears and I think both his legs are broken.'
> Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
>
> Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
> Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
> Silence..... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
> Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
>
> More heavy breathing and another minute later.
>
> Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
> This goes on for another few minutes until....
> Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
>
> Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat.... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
> dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'
>

[TM BILL]

The postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his
usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that
both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the home owner,
coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the
recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a
party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had
it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since
4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the
neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we
started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you
play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out
one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels'
showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who
it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun,
I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.
'Your name came up 7 times.

[gt96]

A look back at 2012...


To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,
Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

-----------------------

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

------------------------

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.................
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

---------------------

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

-------------------

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face
I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

-------------------------

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.  They're both in hospital... one's in a korma...
the other's got a dodgy tikka!

----------------------

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.
You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

----------------------------

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead
and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

-------------------------------
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth