Funnies/Jokes

[matcho mick]

                One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into
> his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
>                  He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to
> the chemist.
>
>                  "Could you taste this for me, please?"
>
>                  The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth,
> swills the liquid around and swallows it. It tasted unpleasant.
>
>                  "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
>
>                  "No, not at all," says the chemist, pulling a face.
>
>                  "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to
> come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
>

[TM BILL]

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG...


Please be advised I am sick and tired of receiving questions about my dog who mauled six illegal immigrants, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, two Liberals, one member of parliment and a Pakistani taxi driver.

 

For the last time:

 

The dog is NOT for sale!!!

 

 

 

[Hoony]

Men Are Just Happier People
 
 
 
NICKNAMES
 
·        If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
 
·        If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D!ckhead and Sh!t for Brains.
 
 
 
EATING OUT
 
·        When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
 
·        When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
 
 
 
MONEY
 
·        A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
 
·        A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
 
 
 
BATHROOMS
 
·        A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
 
·        The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
 
 
 
ARGUMENTS
 
·        A woman has the last word in any argument.
 
·        Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
 
 
 
FUTURE
 
·        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
 
·        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
 
 
SUCCESS
 
·        A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 
·        A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
 
 
MARRIAGE
 
·        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 
·        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
 
 
 
DRESSING UP
 
·        A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
 
·        A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
 
 
NATURAL
 
·        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
 
·        Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
 
 
 
OFFSPRING
 
·        Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
 
·        A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
 
 
 
 
 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
 
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
 

[TM BILL]

Your  Duck is Dead

A  woman brought a very limp duck into  a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the  table, the  vet
    pulled  out his stethoscope and listened to the  bird's
    chest.

After  a moment or two, the vet shook his head  and
    sadly  said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,  has
    passed  away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you  sure?"
"Yes,  I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied  the
vet..

"How  can you be so sure?" she protested. "I  mean
    you  haven't done any testing on him or  anything.
    He  might just be in a coma or  something."

The  vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left  the
room.  He  returned a few minutes later with a  black
    Labrador  Retriever. As the duck's owner looked  on
    in  amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put  his
    front  paws on the examination table and sniffed  the
    duck  from top to bottom. He then looked up at  the
    vet  with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted  the dog on the head and took it  out
    of  the room. A few minutes later he returned  with
    a  cat. The cat jumped on the table and also  delicately
    sniffed  the bird from head to foot. The cat sat  back
    on  its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly  and
    strolled  out of the room.

The  vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm  sorry,
    but  as I said, this is most definitely, 100%  certifiably,
    a  dead duck."

The  vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few  keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the  woman..
The  duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.  "$150!"
    she  cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" 

The  vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken  my
    word  for it, the bill would have been $20, but with  the
    Lab  Report and the Cat Scan, it's now  $150."

[EML]

That duck must have been on a benfit-I pay heaps more than that for a Cat Scan.

[TM BILL]

The exchange rate to the pound has dropped a fair bit this week 

For some reason the pound got stronger almost overnight 

[TM BILL]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

FIVE RULES TO RE MEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.
 

[TM BILL]

My Maori mate got his kid a trampoline off the internet  "i said Ebay or trade me ?" he said " neither, Google maps "

[TM BILL]

Ritchie McCaw goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit down.  "What's up guys?" he asks.



 

"Well Ritchie, to be honest we're having all sorts of trouble getting motivated for this game against Australia . We know it's important but we've just beaten Argentina and South Africa in consecutive weeks and, let's be honest, it's only the Aussies this week. They're crap and we simply can't be bothered".

 

Ritchie looks at them and says "Okay guys, I hear what you're saying.  The way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat these Aussies by myself. Why don't you fellas go down to the pub, have a few jars and maybe catch it on telly. I really think I can do this by myself" 

 

The rest of the team reckon it’ll work and they agree.  So Ritchie goes out to play the Wallabies by himself while the rest of the ABs go off for a few pots. After a couple, they begin to wonder how the game is going, so they get the barman to put the telly on.

 

A huge cheer goes up as the screen reads (after 10 minutes): "New Zealand 7, (McCaw, converted try) -- Australia 0”

 

Dammit, he's actually beating Australia all by himself.  Surely he can't do it, can he?

 

Anyway, a few more beers later, the telly goes off and the game is temporarily forgotten until someone suddenly remembers, "Heck, It must be full time now, let's see how Ritchie got on". They get the telly put back on and look on eagerly. 

 

There on the screen is the result: Full-time from Eden Park,: New Zealand 7, (McCaw, 1 converted try); Australia 7, (Sharpe, 1 try, Cooper 1 conversion.)

 

They can't believe it!  It's a draw.  Ritchie v Australia and he single-handedly managed a draw against the Aussie Wallabies

Delighted, they rush back to Eden Park to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, slumped over with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down guys," he mumbles disconsolately. "I'm so sorry, but I've really let you down."

 

"Don't be an idiot skipper; you got a draw against Australia, all alone, all by yourself. And they only scored a single try, right at the death, after 79 minutes!”

 

"No, no, I have" says Ritchie.  "I've let you down.  I hope you can forgive me. Twenty minutes from full time, I got sent off!"

[TM BILL]

The Business Deal

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge £50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him £60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for £75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras and why don't you want the matching knickers at £3 a pair or the lot for £50?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut thebras in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for £200.00 each and I don't think you'd wear the knickers."

...and this is why the Chinese are becoming better than us!

Business is Business!
 

[TM BILL]

 

 

 

 

News flash , just in  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 



 



 

News just in....makes you think!!!

 

A British  Navy  Destroyer stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards Brighton .  "The captain gets on the loud haler and shouts

"Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"

 

One of the Muslims stands up and shouts,

"We are invading England !"

 

The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loud haler and says

"Just the four of you?"

 

The  Muslim stands up again and shouts,

"No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
 
 

 

 

 
 
 

[09.0]

Thanks for sharing the laughs Bill.
Tough crowd in here. You don't get much feedback.

[brent j]

A wise man once told me the four solutions to all of life's problems
1 put you foot down further
2 use a bigger hammer
3 pull the trigger
4 pull the trigger again

[TM BILL]

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is  at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them,  and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the  woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in  the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there. 

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here. 

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear  anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.' 


Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's  nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No,  thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK,  how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

in the next few weeks,  it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together. 

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.' 

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover,  remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?' 

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few  days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football,  let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father  asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..' 

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your  friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm  going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.' 

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in  the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says,  'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'don’t start that shit again  you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

[EML]

A grade 3 teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition and decides to ask the kids what they had for breakfsat.
To add a spelling component she asks the kids to spell their answers.
Sally goes first as always and says she had an egg, E-G-G. V good says the teach.
Timmy is next and says he had toast, T-O-A-S-T. Excellent says the teach
Lil Jonny is last, just because, and says he got bugger all for breakfast. B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L
Teacher is shocked as normal but carries on.
Next leason was geography and she asks some fairly simple questions.
Sally answers that the capital of England is London.
Peter tells her the coast of California is the Pacific.
Jonnys turn arrives and she asks where the Pakistani border is.
Jonny thinks on this for a fair while then answers-
The Pakistani border is in bed with my mum--and that's why I got buggerall for breakfast!!