Author Topic: Funnies/Jokes  (Read 653531 times)

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Offline Tim754

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1725 on: October 30, 2012, 07:24:35 pm »
Two flies crawling around on a pile of cow shit. "See our stock have dropped another twelve points today    Yippee!"
« Last Edit: October 30, 2012, 08:20:36 pm by Tim754 »
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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1726 on: October 31, 2012, 06:23:29 am »











A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the wife that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new face. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I ever possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
 


 

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1727 on: October 31, 2012, 06:47:12 am »

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1728 on: October 31, 2012, 10:47:38 am »
 
----- Original Message -----
From: Dave & Sunita
To: Dave & Sunita
Sent: Tuesday, October 30, 2012 7:39 PM
Subject: FW: Jokes that are equal opportunity offensive


 

 

Kia kaha,  Dave

 

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.

-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

 

From: PeterCRSSL

Subject: Fwd: Jokes that are equal opportunity offensive

Date: Thu, 25 Oct 2012 08:39:43 -0400 (EDT)

 





 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

 

 

 

 


What is a Yankee?


The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

 

 


Why is divorce so expensive?


Because it's worth it.



 
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?


 
Doughnuts

 


Why is air a lot like sex?

 


Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

 


What do you call a smart blonde?



  A golden retriever.

 


What do attorneys use for birth control?

 


Their personalities.

 


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

 


10 years and 45 lbs

 


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?


  45 minutes

 


What's the fastest way to a man's heart?


Through his chest with a sharp knife

 


Why do men want to marry virgins?


They can't stand criticism.



  Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?


Because those men already have boyfriends.


 


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

 


After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

 


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?


The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?


  Because they have cotton balls.

 


What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?


A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

 


What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

 


"Are you sure it's mine?"

 


Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?


Mace will do that to you.

 


Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?


Everyone has the same DNA.

 


Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

 


Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

 


Where does an Irish family go on vacation?


A different bar.

 


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a

blonde baby?


They named him "Sum Ting Wong"



  What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?


A speech impediment

 

 


  What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

 


A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

 


How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

 


Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

 

 

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?


A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time .." -

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

 


 


Offline pancho

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1729 on: November 03, 2012, 10:13:51 am »
 true.
 I've had a nasty virus the last two weeks.
 I think I'd  better not buy any green bananas.
pancho.
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Offline pancho

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1730 on: November 03, 2012, 10:22:19 am »
 To old irish dears are having a drink in the local Wallacia pub.
 One says 'I can tell you're Irish dear, where did you come from?
 Dublin dear came the answer.
 Really lovey what street?
 Dublin road luv.
That's amazing , What school did you go to?
 Mary Magdalene.
 SO DiD I !
Dont tell me your kindy teacher was Miss o"Donnell!
 
 Over at the bar the barman says to the bar made "I'm afraid its going to be a long night,

 The murphy twins are pissed again!
 
dont follow me i'm probably off line!

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1731 on: November 05, 2012, 06:34:26 am »
“Hurt me”  she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well”  I replied………  “You’ve got fat ankles, a fat arse, and no dress sense.”

 

Offline matcho mick

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1732 on: November 05, 2012, 10:47:40 am »

Julia Gillard met with the Queen in England. She asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”
“Well,” said the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Julia frowned, and then asked, “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen took a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.”
The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send David Cameron in here, would you?”
David Cameron walked into the room and said, “Yes, Your Majesty?”
The Queen smiled and said, “Answer me this please, David, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” said the Queen
Julia went back home to Australia and asked Wayne Swan, her Deputy Prime Minister the same question. “Wayne, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” said Wayne. “Let me get back to you on that one.” He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men’s room and recognized Tony Abbott’s shoes in the next stall.
Wayne asked, “Tony, can you answer this for me? Your mother and Father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Tony yelled back, “That’s easy, it’s me!”
Wayne smiled, and said, “Thanks!” Then, he went back to speak with Julia.
“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Tony Abbott”
Julia got up, stomped over to Swan, and angrily yelled into his face, “No, you idiot! It’s the English Prime Minister, David Cameron!”

 
work,the curse of the racing class!!
if a hammer dosn't fix it,you have a electrical problem!!

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1733 on: November 05, 2012, 03:08:32 pm »


The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
”Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.
The first is that I iron better than you.
”Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
 

 


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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1734 on: November 05, 2012, 03:09:01 pm »

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1735 on: November 05, 2012, 03:10:11 pm »
Don't find many Heroes like this one!!!!




On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .
So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 


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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1736 on: November 05, 2012, 03:11:58 pm »

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1737 on: November 06, 2012, 06:47:15 am »


Exhaustipated

 

Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.

Exhaustipated:  Too tired to give a shit.

 

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1738 on: November 07, 2012, 06:02:28 am »


I dialled a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.

Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
**************************************************
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
**************************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."

Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
************************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

* Stress is when wife is pregnant,

* Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,

* Panic is when both are pregnant.
**************************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints."
**************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
**************************************************
Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied

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Re: Funnies/Jokes
« Reply #1739 on: November 07, 2012, 07:06:34 am »