Funnies/Jokes

[FAT-TOY]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude was never invited back

[TM BILL]

The Dot .





 FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

 

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

 

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in London has recently revealed the true story.

 

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a corner shop,

a petrol station, a curry house, a taxi cab, or an old peoples home in the UK .

 

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with BT technical advice.

 

 

[Toolboy]

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face......


My girlfriend says that a small penis wont affect our relationship. Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!


My wife gave me a list to go to the supermarket with, however a few items I
couldn't find so I discreetly approached the young girl on the check-out.
"Excuse me, love," I whispered, "This is a little awkward, but I was wondering
where you keep your tampons?"
"In my handbag," she replied.



My wife suggested we play 'Doctors and Nurses' last night. I was hoping
for something sexier than just being left to wait around for six forking hours.


I was In a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me , squeezed my arse and said " give me your phone number sexy " I said " have you got a pen? " she smiled and said " yes " I said " well fork off back to it , before the farmer notices you're missing ".


Chatting to my mate on the phone today, he says to me "Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “forking wait a minute…”



Got cut off driving to work this morning by a car with a bumper sticker on it saying ' Veterinarians Drive Like Animals ' .
Funny that , I would have put money on him being a gynaecologist...


So the Paralympics has just begun and already Six paralympic athletes
have tested positive for WD40


Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Tim

[IT400C]

Two old High School friends run in to each other in the Queen Street Mall one day, and decide to go have a drink and catch up.

They go to a bar, order a couple of drinks and start talking..

"What do you do for a living?" says the first.

"I'm a Gynocologist." says the second.  "What about you?"

"I'm a Dentist." says the first.

To which the second guy replies "I don't know how you do it!  I just couldn't handle having my fingers in other peoples mouths all day!"

 

[Andrew L]

stop tellin jokes and get out in the shed

[IT400C]

it's even worse than that....

I'm still at work and telling jokes....

[gt96]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then  backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.
 
Her heart was pounding...her face was  flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.  Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted…
 
 
 
 
 



 
 
 
"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the f**ing car! You do it, you SMUG  bastard!"



   

[TM BILL]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CZAVf1SY-4&feature=related

[TM BILL]

Warning may put you off your lunch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8vKXz746oM&feature=related

[TM BILL]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXI8G2MBOpQ&feature=related

[Andrew L]

May need a login for this one but it is very cleverly done

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weN9QSHBqs0&NR=1&feature=fvwp&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DC8vKXz746oM%26feature%3Drelated&ytsession=8rfI0Em3OB46E3aNkqaSgFB_2yqUj77Ufr-MGaxN2qKokwmdiDYZonwlRuPVgwzQDXi9hSaLbBVZdCfYeNx350VF1GvrfJ7GBLIwa3HJvNj0OYCGLyGeMI4cbygLXYh6hNlDtS71x6hgbAN79zvUQCsbCbpHwsm0Sjp5XQ5wjaynL53t4x2f94FoyvRSrSB_URsxiTieA127LYvZLLatUIxOwET2s1kGBa-jqZODORxstZzkjZlzO7QTAO1Sb-tTJW1q-3NIES5LoB68RWJdkq5Lijc7zHHL8sCLH1yKmQAkkF1OaKwcj88NK_PPyt4uIehZ6eKJCE6IjgISVj5KKUpUJ_Unv_VkaVzVQwgkctD2ZigjtMoCrLDvskXBg4lRLivZnSnFIQiDT5FWu3aBs-qABcLTd_iE5i8cy_8ji6nYGWA0pvgt4VTsnuTrthDZn3ZsVU3DlW4muHz9EePP7IPgiAgux1rUOzKCTHwpEwHxGIg2F_dPHq-oJCZoE0APa8JgNDQSdvwYK6BiGSrnBPaLxD5MpNzw_jQrXmADoNLmN4jqXl_nta3sXTx-Wtfgzfe35cycrAWhzQDoE2pb1py-rDZ8sSbnXY-4ZJsMETuu59Zi1JEqw-H9SehcHEyR24-NEIyrnY_rWCt6ufajDSbAitTISlmpd1kAqZmWnnnQYiV9hldpWsNxHaBbdBnr

[TM BILL]

A businessman is getting on a flight when he hears from another passenger that the Pope is going to be on the flight.

"WOW, great!" he thinks, being a devout Christian, "What a great place to be today."

Just before the aircraft doors are closed, the Pope enters the plane, and to the guy's delight,  sits next to him. I am surely blessed the man thinks. Here I am, a good Catholic on a flight, with the Pope sitting next to me. The plane takes off and after a few minutes the passengers take off their seat belts.

The man looks sideways and sees the Pope reaching into his bag to take out a crossword book. Marvellous, he thinks, not only am I blessed with the Pope next to me but he does crosswords and so do I. He notices that the Pope is working his way through the puzzle, and that His Holiness is tapping his pencil, thinking.

After a little while of pencil tapping, the Pope turns to him and says, "I usually don't talk to anyone on flights, but I wonder if you can help me?"

"Anything Your Holiness.. What is it?"

"Do you know a four letter word that ends in 'u-n-t' that means something associated with women?"

The man feels uncomfortable. He thinks and thinks. Finally he says, "The only word I can think of is aunt."

The Pope looks at him and asks, "Do you have an eraser?"
 


 

[TM BILL]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

 

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could

arrange a divorce for him.

 

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the

circumstances, and asked him the following questions:


Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.


No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.


I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

 

I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland .


Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.


Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

 

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.


Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.


What makes you think that?

I got proof.


What kind of proof?

She going to poison me.

 

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

 

I can read English pretty good, and it says:



 

 
 

[mick25]

  you are on fire bill

[TM BILL]

 ;

Works a bit quiet