Funnies/Jokes

[All Things 414]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAONkS06LFU&feature=channel   

What a nutter!

[monaro308]

It's Hard, Getting Old...
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry
Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we
couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine
medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too

[mx250]

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price.

His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

[Lozza]

Courtesy of ARCH on the rgv forum

A husband and wife are just leaving a small roadside cafe mid journey. They've been married 40 odd years and thus the honeymoon period could be considered to be over.

"Have you got everything? says wife.

"Yes dear" getting into car.

"are you sure, you know what you're like."

"yes, I'm sure." starts car and pulls away.

As he's driving onto a stretch of dualcarrigeway the old fella realises he's left his hat behind. 'Bugger' he thinks in dread 'well, here goes'

"I may have forgotten my hat" he says tentatively.

Suffice to say Herself goes off on one "I said to you ...." etc, etc, etc [you get the picture]

After driving 20miles to the next turning, then missing the turning off to the cafe 'cos Herself is STILL banging on, then another 15miles to the next one to be able to turn back, they finally arrive back at the cafe. "..... I don't know how I put up with it....." etc, etc, etc.

As he's trudging across the carpark, wifes voice still ringing in his ears, come the words ........

"And while you're in there you can pick up my handbag"

[mx250]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...
 
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
 
'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'
 
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
 
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
 
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
 
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
 
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
 
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
 
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[suzuki43]

Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England.  At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maori's buy just one
ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn  bro," answers one of the Maori's

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Maori's cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies  don't buy
a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Maori.

"Watch and learn  bro ," answers a Aussie .

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Maori's cram into another nearby.  The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."

[jackiemac]

  Love it

Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac

[Turtle.Inc]

Did you know that:

In 1872 the New Zealanders invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder.

In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of
the sheep first.

[Turtle.Inc]

 
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

 

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think
the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be forked!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.
 
 

 

[SLAWESY]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the
Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,   Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from
his pocket...
Suddenly the father shouted....
 

‘I'll do the f****** dishes’!!!

[monaro308]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.....thats a goodie slawesy

[matcho mick]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 








A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment. He proudly went
down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she
started up a conversation with him.

As they talked her robe slipped open. It was obvious that she had nothing
else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my
apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature ?'

Flustered and embarrassed he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded and hurt she asked, 'My ears ? Look at these breasts, they are a
full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and
solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How
can you think that the best part of my body is my ears ?'

Clearing his throat he stammered, 'Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming.......that was me !'

 

[matcho mick]

 
UCLA  STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.  For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men  with rugged and masculine features.  However, if she is  menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 


 

[matcho mick]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years..'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as
a public service.
 
 

 
 

___
 

 

 


 



 

 

 
 


 



 

 

 
 

 

 





D

 

 

[Hoony]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. About lifting the toilet seat by using the shower.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKYS. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.