Funnies/Jokes

[TooFastTim]

The senior engineers who are designing the upgrades are, for the first time ever, running everything past the operators and we are reccomending changes which so far they are following.

Helps to get a bit of "buy-in". Better still is to let the operators walk away with the impression it was their idea.

[oldfart]

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No ! no ! mate, Where's your dust bin?".
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista.........!"

[TM BILL]

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail ?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (my fav)

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

 
 

 
 

[TM BILL]

The Ballerina

 

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in  Dublin . She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as  she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man  here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the  end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter  and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned  to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the  same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little  drunk slapped his money down on the bar and  said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your  business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep  calling  her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to  be a ballerina!
 

 

 

[TM BILL]

A sexually active woman tells  her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in  size because they were too loose and floppy. 
Out of embarrassment she  insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the  surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia  after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately  calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had  carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose  was from him:
'I felt sad because you went  through this all by yourself.'
 
'The second rose is from my  nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood
because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'
 
'And what about the third rose  ?' she asked.
 
'That's from a man upstairs in  the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new  ears.' 

 

[TM BILL]

Given the following scenario posed to three different police forces. (see results)

 

 



Question:

How can you tell the difference between a Australian, New Zealand, and an American Police Officer?

Pose the following question:

"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with

a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are

carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family."

What do you do?

NEW ZEALAND POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)

Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or Maori?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
Is he an undercover Sunday Star times reporter looking for a news breaker?

Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
Warn and Charter him as he approaches.

AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS

Answer: BANG!


AMERICAN OFFICERS

Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.... (Sounds of reloading) BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Yay for politically correct New Zealand !!!!!
 

 

[TM BILL]

A Greek man and an Italian man were talking one day discussing who had the
superior culture. Over coffee the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

The Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics."

The Italian, nodding, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end
the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "Aha! But we invented
sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced
it to women."

[TM BILL]

 SEX WITH AN ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT
 


 
  An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant  style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdo's from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him.  Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good.  So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

AND THAT MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS , IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US NOW !

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



 
 
 
 

[Nathan S]

Funnily enough, I reckon that last one works heaps better the way I first heard it: When its about a Kiwi... 

[Curly3]

Go Billy.

[TM BILL]

iv'e found a cheap yet effective way to stop the ethnic minority from robbing my house while im at work

I just hung a sign on my gate , it says









JOB CENTRE

[TM BILL]

Last month a world survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was ::
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what shortage meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
8. In New Zealand they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
 

[TM BILL]

An Obituary printed in the London Times - 

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

 He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
 

[colmoody]

TM BILL'S on fire.

[Nathan S]

I was at my bank today. There was just one lady in front of me, an older Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a getting irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dollar fo yen.. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!''