Funnies/Jokes

[bigk]

President Obama and his chief of staff were sitting in a coffe shop when a passer by stopped and asked what they were doing. The cheif of staff replies, "we're finalising the detaills of the next war where we plan to kill 1 million muslims and just to make it look fair, 1 blonde with big tits". The passer by whined, "not a blonde with big tits," to which Obama looked at his COS and said " I told you no-one would give a shit about the muslims!"
K

[VMX247]

Kia Ora you fullahs (and gidday dingos)
Three Australians and three Maori's are travelling by train to a
Rugby match at the World Cup in England .  At the station, the three
Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Kiwis buy just one
ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn cuz," answers one of the Kiwis

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats
but all three Kiwis cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket
please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
the game, they decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis  don't buy a ticket at
all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Aussie.

"Watch and learn cuz," answers a Kiwi ....

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby.  The train
departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Kiwis leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket please."             

[Nathan S]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman : I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[mx250]

For those surfing the web whilst at work; something to contemplate .



I suppose that the corollary is that the further down the organisation you are the more shit you have to deal with .

[EML]

I thought of the Lead Dog and the rest of the Huskies-that was the original version of that joke.

[mx250]

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS 

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
 
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
 
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
 
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
 
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -- Winston Churchill (about Clement Attlee)

Her "you're drunk". Sir Winston "That is true madam, but tomorrow I'll be sober and still will be ugly"
(Sir Winston on being disapproved of for drinking;)

[Pommie Barstad]

Graeme: be nice if it were true . . .

The last insult you cite is an abbreviated version of a (sadly) apocryphal exchange. But it might have happened:-

Bessie Braddock: "Winston, you are drunk, and what's more, you are disgustingly drunk."
Churchill: "Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."

For those with no knowledge of Elizabeth Margaret Braddock (1899 - 1970) the comment was apposite: she was the much-loved MP for Liverpool Exchange, elected in 1945 and serving until 1969, but by God, she was ugly . . .

Some say the exchange was with Nancy Astor (the first woman MP). You decide -

       

[oldfart]

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys.
All are on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

[mx250]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He felt that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need ... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye'd him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of f***ing headache.! '

[pancho]

A bloke walked into a tailors shop for a bargain in a nice new tailor made suit . A week later he tried the suit on and was not real happy 'cause the left sleeve of the jacket was 3 inches too long and the right leg was too long by the same amount. When he complained about this the tailor explained that as he obviously could not afford an expensive suit he could just keep his arm up across his back to make the sleeve appear shorter and to walk with his left knee bent and a fair way back for the same reason. He left the tailors shop with a disgruntled look on his face, and as he walked down the street a couple of blokes were walking towards him, one whispered to the other "have a look at this poor bastard", the other bloke said "yeah look at the way he walks all twisted up like that" the first bloke said "geez yair but he must have a terrific tailor!"

[Viper79]

One day, the wife came home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" I asked.

"Well," she replied, "my boss and I played the lottery and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, she came home with a long shiny fur coat.

"Where did you get that coat?" I asked.

She said, "My boss and I played the lottery and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, the wife came home driving a flaming red Ferrari!

You guessed it: Her share of the lottery winnings....

Last night, the wife asked me to run her a nice, warm bath while she got undressed.

When she entered the bathroom, she found that there was barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug.

"What's this?" she asked.

"Well," I replied, "we don't want to get your lottery ticket wet, do we?!"

[VMX247]

for Stewie

[mx250]

  Hmmmm, fact or fiction. That story is like the WLA stories - I heard that many versions it ain't funny. The fact that it made it into a newspaper as 'fact', well............

[VMX247]

Rudd, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call   Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls   England and talks for 30 minutes. When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.

Finally Rudd gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Rudd

got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call.
 

[Stan S]

Hot & Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. ' After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
 
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
 
'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in June and the second time is in December.'