Funnies/Jokes

[mx250]

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[mx250]

So a cop pulls over a biker for going 100 mph.

Cop, "You better be a good excuse or you're going to jail"

Biker "Sorry sir, but my wife ran off with a cop yesterday and I thought it was you trying to return her "

[Wombat]

Why Condoms come in boxes of 3, 6, & 12: 

A man walks into a Chemist shop with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the
Boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.' 
Oh I see,' replied the boy.' Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'

He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3 and asks, '
Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies,
'Those are for high schoolboys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one For Sunday.'
Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
'Then who are these for?' Those are for college men,' the dad answers,
'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12Pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
'Those are for Married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...'

[Wombat]

Things were different when I was a nipper - we didn't have this sort of variety with the Lego pieces...

[Wombat]

Check this piece of art:

[Wombat]

The old bloke and the Nursing Home:

An old bloke enters a Nursing Home on the advice of his son.
He's getting on in years and it's for the best he has someone around to look after him.
After two days his son drops in for a visit to see how Dad's handling the place - does he like it and whaddya think?

Dad says, "Not too sure this place is for me... I have me doubts. Yesty I was lyin' in bed while the Nurse was givin' me a tub.
Fair dinkum, I got a hard on! So the Nurse looks surprised - but then she straddles me in the bed and grinds me like coffee!"
"As she climbs orf she says, Ya can't let one of those go to waste!"

"Sensational Dad; ya gotta be happy with that?!"

"Yep, yep, yep. I was pleased... but today I was shufflin' up the corridor and I fell over. Then quick as a flash the Male Nurse shot up behind me, dropped me daks and shoved his old fella up me bum!! UP ME BUM!!"
"Eventually he climbs out and says, Ya gotta take these opportunities when they come around!"

"Well Dad, ya gotta take the good with the bad - I saw that Nurse and she's a hottie. Don't be too hasty on wanting to leave."
"Yeah... yeah I know what you're sayin... but I only get an erection once or twice a year - and I fall over at least three times a day!"    

[jackiemac]

    Wise Jewish Man

 

 A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had

 been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there

 he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for

an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

 "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I

 pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all

our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love

 their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a forkin' brick wall."


Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac

 

[mx250]

  Very piquant.

I only have one prayer;

Lord, protect us from zealots, all zealots.
Lord, protect us from religious zealots, political zealots, motorcycling zealots, politically correct zealots,
Lord, protect us from zealots, all types of zealots.   

[Rosco400]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,** 

**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

 
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Pauly.'**

**After a brief pause,**


**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Pauly.'**

 


**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**



 


Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**'I did it, Daddy.'**

 **'And what happened, honey?' **
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**


**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Pauly?'**


**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**


**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****



*****Longer Pause*****



 

*****Even Longer Pause*****


 


**Then Daddy says,**


**'Swimming pool?  ...........**


**Is this 486-5731?'*



 
**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

[jackiemac]

A teacher is  explaining biology to her 4th grade students.  'Human beings are  the only animals that stutter', she  says.

A  little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered',  she volunteered.

The  teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,  asked the girl to describe the  incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the  Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we  knew it, he jumped over the fence into  our yard!

'That  must've been scary', said the teacher  '

It  sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went  'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.. And before he could say ' fork' , the Rottweiler  ate him!

Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac

 
 
 

[Wombat]

The Missouri Sheriff:

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying,  'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriff's Department with me.'  Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge! Show him your Badge!"

[Wombat]

The crusty old biker:

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker  walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".

[mx250]

[mx250]

[Wombat]

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cottonballs and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
 
He answers,'You see it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if  I have to roll my own............ so does she.