Funnies/Jokes

[mx250]

  Yeah, I'll pay that one.

[mx250]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen. 

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. 

 

[matcho mick]

who is your real friend?

try this quick experiment

put your missus ,& your  dog in the boot of your car for about an hour

when you open the boot,which one is really happy to see you

[VMX247]

 

[Ian P]

 


Why Men Prefer Dogs To Women


Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs don't cry.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs love red meat.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

Dogs never need to examine the relationship.

A dog's parents never visit.

Dogs love long car trips.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

Dogs like beer.

Dogs don't hate their bodies.

No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.

No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

Dogs never criticize.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs never expect gifts.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.

Dogs like to do their snooping outside, as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs never want foot-rubs.

Dogs can't talk.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

[mx250]

All, oh so true Ian.

And dogs don't care if your car is a 20m year old shit box ute............

[mx250]

Oh dear!!!!!!!!

Achmed, the Arab, came to Great Britain from the Middle East, and
he was here only a few months when he became very ill. He went to
doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said: 'Take dees bocket, go into
de Odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head
down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.'

Achmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket,
peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific!
What   was wrong with me?"

The doctor said ... "You were homesick."

[VMX247]

I've got two dogs
I can kick them and they don't kick me back 
Alison

[shorelinemc]

Yes and when you are tired of them  you can use a lead injection ( cant do this with kids)

[mx250]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

  x 10.

[Rosco400]

forkin oath  classic

[Nathan S]

I like the alternative punch-line, which is:

"I don't think I'm having sex tonight, either".

[VMX247]

SAD NEWS ARRIVED TODAY WITH THE CANCELLATION OF CD6 AND QUEENSLAND CLASSIC NATIONALS
ITS WAS REPORTED ON OZVMX HOME PAGE

APRIL FOOLS        
Alison

[bigk]

Two Arabs had just arrived in Australia and made a pact to meet up in a years time to see which one had become more "Australian" in that time. On meeting up at the pub, Bob (Achmed), says to Phil (Ichmel), I think I've got this one in the bag mate. I love meat pies, footy, Holdens and even vegemite sandwiches, beat that. Phil looks at Bob and says, piss off towel head!
Cheers,
K

[mx250]

IRISH LOVER

Paddy and Colleen were making
passionate love in Paddy's mini-van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on
the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this
unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a
flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van
and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices
that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she
goes to the doctor.  The doctor takes one look at the wounds and
asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"  Colleen, a little
embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the
kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims,
"I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst
case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen"...