Funnies/Jokes

[mx250]

"I'm not dwunk offisher, but I will be if you want me to be".

[Rosco400]

I know, I tried to ring the swine flu hotline but all I could get was crackling

[VMX247]

 Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts
of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of
pigs around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets worse........

next year......
2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?   
 

[jackiemac]

 
 ???The pigs are not getting away with this,
  2009 is the year of the Ox


Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac

[jackiemac]

Wish Wish!!



An Aussie truckie walks into  an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks  them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A pie n’ sauce, chips and  a coke,' and turns to the emu,  'What's yours?' 'I'll have the  same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns  with the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and he reaches into  his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next  day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A  pie n’ sauce,  chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the  truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This  becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the  waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked  potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says  the emu. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will  be  $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out  of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot  hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage  to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 

'Well, love' says  the  truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found  an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two  wishes.  My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,  I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money  would always be there.'

'That's  brilliant!' says the  waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but  you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,  the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks,  'What's with the bloody emu?' 
The truckie sighs, pauses,  and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and  long legs, who agrees with everything I say.' 

 
Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac
 

[VMX247]

A family is driving behind a garbage truck ,when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect."
 
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

[vmx42]

What a way to finish a Friday. Very funny!!!

[mx250]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick
Willy up from school and go home.

[geraldo]

Ear Infection
 
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.  I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
 
The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
 
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."   


"You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
 
"There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it."

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
 
The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

 

 

 

 
 

[ty4]

Eye test!

[VMX247]

>> A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
>> although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
>> party with his old buddies .
>>
>> So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
>> 'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.
>> 'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'
> The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
>>
>> She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
>> kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland ,

>> Japan , India ,etc.
>> The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
>> think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you
>> know...they have frozen glasses...'
>> He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
>> him by saying,
>> 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
>>
>> She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
>> getting chills just holding it.

>> The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the

>> Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I
>> won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

>> You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took
>> out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
>> blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

>> 'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know....there's swearing,
>> dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your
>> Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are
 Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'   

>> .........and, they lived happily ever after. 

>> Now, isn't that a sweet story? 

[jackiemac]

  Good one!

Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac

[jackiemac]

Irish maths test*
> >
> > Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a
> > little
> > maths test.
> > Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
> > represent the number 9."
> > "Without numbers?" Paddy says? "Dats easy." And proceeds to draw three
> > trees.
> >
> >
> > "What's this?" the boss asks.
> > "Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says Paddy.
> >
> >
> > "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
> > rules, but this time the number is 99."
> > Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
> > has
> > just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. "Ere ye go."
> >
> >
> > The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
> > represent 99?"
> > "Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree,
> > plus
> > dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
> >
> >
> > The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
> > Paddy,
> > so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent
> > the
> > number 100."
> > Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
> > and
> > makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere ye go. One
> > hundred."
> >
> >
> > The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
> > represents a hundred!"
> > Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and
> > whispers, "A little dog came along and pooped by each tree.
> > So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
> > tree
> > and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
> >
> >
> > Paddy is the new supervisor.

Keep Smiling
Jackie Mac

[matcho mick]

a man is seeking to join the Victorian Police force
the seargent doing the interview says,"your qualifications all look good
but there is a attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted"
then sliding a pistol across the desk ,he says,"take this pistol, go out & shoot 6 illegal immigrants,
6 drug dealers,6 muslim extremists,& a rabbit"
"why the rabbit"?
"great attitude" says the seargent,"when can you start"

[ted]